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Just Found Out
User Topic: New here and lost
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 31st (Monday)

A friend of mine suggested the website to me last week. I found out last week that my husband has been having an affair for over a year and wants to divorce me. I am a lost soul. I have no idea what to do or where to go. I am barely breathing, or functioning. I can't even take care of my child. I am just looking for support.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Welcome to the best club no one wanted to join, turnedupsidedown.

Hopefully, you've spent some time reading the boards and looking through the Healing Library (the link is in the yellow box on the main page above Dr. Phil's head). There's a lot of information in there that's very valuable, so please spend a lot of time reading here.

Has you husband actually told you he wants to divorce? Has he been to a lawyer? Is he still living at home? Unfortunately, without more details, it's a bit hard to try to give you some advice as to which direction you might need to go.

You're amongst good company here.

I wish you much strength.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
cbrum84
Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, March 31st (Monday)

So sorry you have to be here. My situation is fresh also, so my advice to you, as hard as it may be, is that you just have to take it day by day.
If he wants a divorce...it will be his loss. At some point in all this you will try to blame yourself, but when that happens, please take all those harsh words you put upon yourself and throw them out the window. You are not to blame.
You have a child...so sadly this can not be the end of you. You CAN NOT let this beat you. Stay strong and keep posting. These people on here will be your support

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 31st (Monday)

He did tell me he wants a divorce. He said our marriage will never be the same. He is basically blaming me saying that I showed our child more love and attention than him so he went elsewhere to find it. I am just so lost. I am 28 years old, and have been with him since we were 15 years old. We've been together 13 years and married 7 years.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Turnedupsidedown - You are not alone! SI is a great place and I'm glad you found us!

Right now everything IS turned upside down for you. Please remember to eat well and drink plenty of water. Take care of yourself.

Read the healing library and practice the 180!

Know that you are not alone, and you did nothing wrong! His affair is a reflection on himself, not on you. NOTHING makes it OK, and don't you let him convince you otherwise.

You can't "nice" your husband back, practice the 180 immediately!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Give him exactly what he wants. Kick him out. He's probably in the fog and doesn't even understand the repercussions of his actions. If he thinks he doesn't want to be with you, let him see exactly what that means. Whats the difference anyways? If he really means it, there's no point in delaying the inevitable. This may seem harsh, but his statements make me mad for you! How dare he blame you! It is not your fault at all!!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Fortunately, I did kick him out. I packed all his belongings and put them in the garage. I also changed the locks on our home. I don't even know how its possible, but I have lost 19 pounds in 6 days. How do you move on when you thought your spouse was your world?

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
Credence
Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 31st (Monday)

He is basically blaming me saying that I showed our child more love and attention than him so he went elsewhere to find it
He was jealous of his own child?????? This shows you that he is broken and definitely needs help. None of this is your fault and don't you allow yourself to think for even one second that it is. Take it one step at a time, there is no rush. You have a whole lot of thoughts and emotions to process and you need time to work your way through them. Keep yourself hydrated (plenty of water) and try to eat and sleep. Post here regularly and you will get loads of support and advice and it will become a little easier to process this. So sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Credence at 10:44 AM, March 31st (Monday)]


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
cbrum84
Member
Member # 42061
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Let him leave...dont give him the satisfaction of seeing you tore down. Get a lawyer and start the process. Dont wait on him!
Of course, I say that, but only you know what to do...although I believe you agree!
Most importantly take care of you and your child.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Aww sweetie, don't ever let anyone make you feel bad or guilty for being the best mom a woman can be. While it's true some women unfortunately do give 100% to motherhood and have nothing left to give anyone else, it's not intentional nor is it a malicious 'choice' anyone makes . Something tells me he's still pretty young (late 20's, early 30's) and unfortunately, everything is still "all about him."

I promise you, your life is NOT over. I totally understand that half your life has been dedicated to this guy - I really do. I, too, married my high school sweetheart that I'd been with since 15 years old, thinking it would be forever. Sadly, it wasn't. People grow and change and become completely different individuals as they grow into adulthood and get older. It's just a fact of life. You became a responsible young mother once you had your baby, but your husband didn't progress at all. That's NOT your fault, and it wasn't your job to constantly feed his ego 24/7 just so he wouldn't stray. That's on HIM, and him alone.

You might want to seriously consider going to a lawyer and getting some good solid legal advice, since your husband seems to be pushing the divorce issue. I know you don't want a divorce and that's perfectly fine, but knowledge is POWER, Turnedupsidedown. When your cheating spouse is telling you that he wants a divorce, you can no longer assume that you're both on the same team and that he's got your best interests at heart, because he clearly does not.

No doubt, having his 'girlfriend' waiting in the wings offering him a safe place to land has given him the courage to act like a horse's ass and basically desert his family. That's on HIM.

I remember a time in my life when I was so completely devastated by betrayal that I honestly didn't know how I was going to perform the monumental task of putting on my makeup that morning for work. I distinctly remember looking at my makeup bag that morning, wondering how in the name of all that was good and holy was I going to be able to physically do it? You might as well have asked me to climb Mt. Everest.

I can still remember that day and moment many years ago because I believe that's when I was at my absolute lowest point. And it's cliche as hell but the truth is that once you hit bottom, there's only one other way to go - and that's back up. And that's exactly what I eventually did.

My point is that you won't always feel like you do right this moment. I promise you, you won't.

Please, PLEASE go to a lawyer as soon as possible.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 31st (Monday)

We are young. I am 28, and he just turned 30 a few weeks ago. I don't know where to go from here.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Read and reread NeverAgain's post.

Breathe, try to eat, try to sleep, call on friends and family to help with your child, and know that this is not your fault. Know also that you are young, and will honestly be better off without this manchild. You will make it through.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, March 31st (Monday)

What am I supposed to do if I still love him and pray he comes home? Clearly, he wants nothing to do with me. But, I cant help my feelings.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 31st (Monday)

It is okay if you still love him and want him back. It is okay to have those feelings, that is. Acting on them is different.

If your loving them causes you to disrespect yourself...are you going to choose loving him, or loving yourself and your child? I hope it's the latter.

Unfortunately we can't tell ourselves to stop loving who we were with. We can't disengage the feelings by turning a switch. They linger, painfully, for a long time while we mourn and grieve. It shows you have a good, loyal heart.

That is okay. It is being human.

But you can't let the desire for the comfort of being near him, being back together, override your healing. If he wants to divorce you, your healing includes accepting that. It's a struggle to get to acceptance. But begging, pleading, fighting will not help.

You can share those feelings with friends; with family; with a therapist; with church, if you have one; with us here at SI. Certainly you should not judge yourself for being heartbroken. You've been traumatized! It's awful.

Try getting a copy of Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Try to remember the bad things about your marriage, so you are not remembering a partial picture. But feel your feelings, and give in to expressing them so long as you do it in a safe place. I can't tell you how many bathrooms I cried in while this all went down.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Welcome, you have rec'd excellent advice already.

I want to tell you to hang on. You are smart, strong and capable You will survive this, and be better off for it, believe it or not.

This:

He is basically blaming me saying that I showed our child more love and attention than him so he went elsewhere to find it.

Pisses me off!!! What selfish immature thing to do or say.

He is a sad broken man. You are doing great so far. Changing the locks, and throwing him out was smart. If the OW he is having an A with is married you need to reach out to her spouse ASAP and pull the secrecy off of this ugly thing. A's tend to die in the light of day, and the more people that know the sooner reality can come crashing down around your H.

I get wanting to work it out, and I get being with him your whole adult life. I was 15 when I started seeing my H. You have to put yourself, your needs, and your childs needs first and foremost right now though.

See a lawyer, and start drawing up D papers, hold his cheating behind accountable when it comes to being daddy.

See your Dr get the full STD work up and talk to your Dr about what you are emotionally dealing with right now. That kind of weight loss is bad for your body, and you will be much more likely to catch any bug that comes your way. Talk about meds to help you sleep, and allow you to eat. Get some ensure, or protein shakes, and if you don't like those, make smoothies with chocolate icecream with them. Your body needs these calories right now. You have gone into an extreme and extended fight/flight mode.

Remember NOTHING YOU DID or DID NOT do caused this. He is broken, he has to figure that out on his own.

Keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 31st (Monday)

I guess, I am having a really hard time with everything. I am losing my job in 2 months due to budget cuts, and he was going to let me be a SAHM to our daughter. He took me out on a date last week. 6 months ago he bought me a another wedding band to add to my set. He sent me flowers at work last month. I get they may have been remorse purchases, but then why does he want to give up? Literally, the morning before he shattered my world he said he wanted to grow old with me. I am so devastated. I can't even begin to comprehend what or where to go from here. I can't even be in our home.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
SeekingPeace84
Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Turnedupsidedown,

I'm so, SO sorry for the agony that you're in. It's a terrible place to be.

Please, read and re-read neveragain and norabird's posts. I'm asking you to read them more than once because you're in shock and can only absorb so much at a time. Go, read them now and hang on to every word (even if it's hard to believe right now), it will start to sink in slowly. Even if you only absorb and hold onto one sentence, it's a start.

Please, please go read their replies again. They have so much wisdom to offer.

I'm praying for peace and direction for you, I know it's hard to even breathe right now.

(((((turnedupsidedown)))))

~Charity


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, March 31st (Monday)

His actions are very telling. He is deep, deep, in the fog of the affair. It is like a drug and he will not be thinking rationally. You did the right thing by kicking him out. You will need to be really strong and make him think that you are done.
See an attonorney and see what your options are. You need to protect yourself and your child. Let him know you have seen an attorney. It is amazing how many times that cheaters pull their head out of their ass when the reality of losing their family sets in.

It is really the only thing you can do at this point. If he is really serious and wants out, then there is nothing you can do to change that and you need to try and move forward. You will get tons of support here.

If he panics and decides he wants his life back, then the real work starts. The HARD work. None of this will go away in a day. It will take time but you will get plenty of advice how how to do a successful reconcilliation.

Just try to breath right not, take care of your health, be good to yourself. You did nothing to deserve this. Hugs.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 31st (Monday)

(((((( HUGS ))))))

so sorry to see you here........you will cry and hurt........you will be in denial......you want to die.........BUT REMEMBER YOUR HUSBAND HAS 12 MONTHS AHEAD OF YOU.....HE HAS ALREADY DETACHED HIMSELF FROM YOU..........HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGD........HE HAS LIED TO YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE FOR A YEAR........HE HAS ALREADY CHECKED OUT OF THIS HOTEL.........YOU CANNOT STOP HIM........YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM STAY.....HE HAS ALREADY MADE HIS CHOICE>........

just remember that you are suffering,missing him ,and wanting him back ,but this will pass too.........he had his time to get over you,this is your time.......you had no warnings.....very unfair, we .......that is what betrayal is....

read as much as you can......do NO CONTACT.....180 right away......HE NEEDS TO MISS YOU......NEEDS TO KNOW HOW IT WILL BE NOT TO HAVE YOU IN HIS LIFE AGAIN.......see a lawyer as fast as you can.....educate yourself about your rights,,,,,,protect yourself and your child,,,,,,REMEMBER HE HAS HAD 12 MONTHS LEAD ON YOU......STAY ALERT,,,,,,,HE HAS BEEN PLANNING HIS ESCAPE ......HE HAS THE LEAD ON YOU


Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
turnedupsidedown
New Member
Member # 42953
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Lastdance- your comment really hit me. Like really really hit me. I guess I didn't think of it that way. I am a mess. I feel worse off today than I did yesterday. Each day, I feel like I am dying. I WANT TO DIE. But, I have a beautiful daughter who needs her mommy. Every time I close my eyes, I picture him with her and his hands touching her or kissing her. Then, when I do finally fall asleep, I dream he wants to come home and work on us.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014
flygirl96
Member
Member # 22954
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Oh my gosh your hurting my soul. My first husband cheated on me and as soon as I found out I changed the locks and I was done. I thought I was going to die! My world was him and he was gone. He didn't care and sad to say he never did again. He hurt me more and more even though I moved to another state. I thought I was mentally going to loose it, but my morals held ground and I slowly got my life back.

I never ever talk about it because it was the worst pain in the world. For someone to just throw your love away is just the hardest. It took me a good year to get over the pain and took several years to trust again.

I know it hurts and you just wish god would take you! I remembering waking up and thinking "that was just a horrible dream" and then getting that pit in the stomach feeling that no this is no dream. I lost ton of weight and was only 114lbs to begin with. Drink water! Eat fruit. Try anyway.

I'm so sorry their was another jack ass out there. I was hoping he was the only one. Can I tell you that 18 years later he is still a loser. Cheated on the girl he left me for than got married. Cheated on her and from her I hear he is in prison! They get theirs eventually!!! So sorry for you pain!!!!


Posts: 343 | Registered: Feb 2009
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Do you know who the girl is? Find out if she is married and tell her husband right away.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

First of all, Im so so sorry you are here.Secondly I have could have written your story..right down to the excuse for him having and affair and leaving us.I paid too much attention to our daughter. ..What grown man says that? A selfish self centered narcissist that's who.You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your child.I know its hard.I was always sick,couldnt sleep,my hair fell out and I lost like 30 lbs.It's the worst pain but im here to tell you it does get better.I never thought I would say that.I mean trust me I still have bad days and when my child is with the OW I want to kill them both but Im doing better.And so will you. HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU!

Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I would try to find out more about OW and report A to her spouse or bf. I would have to wonder if she is pregnant. Some OWs intentionally get pregnant to trap a man or try to and its worth rulung out.

If they are coworkers you can report it unless you feel there would be financial risk.

Shedding as much light on the A by telling people may help get him to wake up. Many As can't survive in the light.

So sorry this happened to you. The reason he's giving you is pure BULL.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LynW
Member
Member # 73
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

You have had lots of good advice. Let me just say this....
Years ago, I was you. I was older, my children were older, but I had been with him since I was 15 and married at 21. I was in shock and a tangle of raw emotion. I had to remind myself to breathe...
I kicked him out but hoped he would try to win me back...and he did. He did counseling with me, he went through all the motions with sincerity, and I wanted so much to believe he had come to his senses. Things seemed to be going so well... Until it happened again. That time I did not react with sadness, I reacted with anger. It is a lot easier to keep your head above water when you are really angry than it is when you are really sad.
I concentrated on my kids and began the process of detaching emotionally from my husband, as well as seeing a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row. We are divorced now, and he is not happy about it. But I knew I would never trust him again.
Sometimes of course, they come crawling back and you are able to repair, forgive and move on. But not often.
Every time you close your eyes and picture him with her, consciously replace that image with an image of your daughter. She needs her mama whole and functioning. Don't give your husband the satisfaction of seeing you broken.

[This message edited by LynW at 8:16 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2529 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: New Jersey
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Big ((hugs)) honey. I'm glad you came here. If there is anything I can do please let me know.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 26