SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: The revenge affair..that wasn't.
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I have been lurking for several months now trying to figure out what to do. Since January 2013 I has suspected my wife of 13 years had been cheating. She was angry with me all the time and making comments to our three children about how daddy isn't home because he has a gf and other nonsense. My wife was a sahm and I was the only paycheck coming in. We had agreed to this and she was always telling me we needed more money so work OT.

As you can tell by my screen name I work in law enforcement, I am a tactical officer and work in a street crimes unit. Jan 2013 I got a new partner who was a female. She is married with children as well and we were just that work partners. March 2013 my partner went on light duty due to a pregnancy.

My immediate supervisor a sgt was supposedly my best friend. However that was not the case. Since he knew me and my wife he had no problem contacting her since I trusted them both. Well long story short he convinced my wife I was cheating with my partner and they "plotted to get even". In March my wife started turning cold and would not talk to me by April they had sex several times. May of that year I was seriously injured when thrown through a plate glass window and was rushed to the hospital where I was in emergency surgery for three hours. No one could find my wife and miraculously my sgt was not working that day.

Well the next day my wife comes to the hospital out kids and is all apologetic about how she was visiting her grandmother who lives several hours away and had tried to contact me but her phone was dead.

You all know what happened next. She becomes the model wife and loves me like crazy. Well I managed to get all of the texts and emails and all the garbage they spewed to one another about me and how I was the problem.

I sent everything to the IA division since my sgt used work information, computers and violated numerous policies involving the treatment of subordinates. I sent my wife a certified letter containing all of the documentation I had gotten as well as proof I had not done anything the sgt had said I did. Also in her letter was divorce papers.

Now she has told me everything and says she loves me and I'm her soulmate. BS I say. She says he had her convinced I was cheating and he was always saying I was out banging my partner when I was supposed to be working OT. She says she only did it to get even for my "cheating".

I told my wife it doesn't matter anymore we are done. The problem is I love this woman more than anything She is and has been since the moment I saw her the most important thing in my life. I adore and love my children but I will never survive without my wife.

What can I do now? I'm sorry for he length of his but I jut couldn't stop.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

SWAT70... Sorry about your situation. I surmise your pain must be really deep. I know that often the first instinct is to "being done." And that is totally understandable. However, the general wisdom is to wait at least 6 months before making any final decision. In my opinion, finding out everything should precede that final decision.

Gently, I have an overarching question: Is your wife really so weak and shallow to give in the kind of pressure you described? Is this consistent with her character and history?

I am asking this to make sure that you think hard about whether there is something else that you are not being told.

[This message edited by frankier at 10:46 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Swat; you will receive a lot of good advice on this site however I do want to talk about the last sentence what you say you cannot survive without your wife.

Been three months into post fair territory and having filed for divorce today I can tell you you can survive without your wife. One breath at a time that's all you have to worry about one breath at a time.

Post here and read here often there is a lot of great advice and great information to help through the healing process but it is a process you have to go through it.

In regards to your marriage if there's any chance of saving it any chance at reconciliation my vote chase it. There are plenty of resources on this website that will help walk you through how to rebuild your marriage.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I agree this is a time for information gathering before making any final decisions.
I also agree with frankier, does this story sound feasible? Granted, we have all been blindsided by our spouses behavior to some extent or we wouldn't be here, but is the WW telling you the truth. How about you alleged best friend? How does anyone do that to with a friends wife?
Sadly, experience tells some of us here to keep looking, because the may not be her first. Perhaps it is her only discretion. It's was months later when I was thinking clearly that I realized all the signs were there and I was just not looking for them, she had been cheating for years and years.
Keep looking further back to be sure.

[This message edited by twisted at 1:52 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I am so sorry. Have you actually filed for D yet? Are there certain requirements that, if your wife met them, would convince you to stay, or would nothing be adequate?

If you are really done, it's ok. She risked this when she betrayed you; she could have discussed your superior's insinuations with you instead of accepting them. But if you can't imagine life without her, you can put things on pause while you figure out if you are willing to try with her.

It is a big risk to extend a second chance to someone but also hard to walk away when your heart isn't in it, so long as she is remorseful.

I know none of this is really helpful; you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and the only one on the ground. But you've been heard.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Wow. What a story. I have heard that law enforcement is particularly rife for affairs -- not sure why that is.

Look, I believe in reconciliation, so that is my bias. I also think that no one should make any decisions for up to a year after dday. Get some MC. . .you have kids, right? What your wife and your friend did (whether he was manipulative or not) was reprehensible, but this site is full of reprehensible stories. Some of us find our way back to each other -- some of us even end up with better marriages.

I know that sounds crazy, and I know there is a lot of ego involved. I don't know if your wife is a good or a bad person, or if she was played or not. What matters is she was broken, and she couldn't or didn't tell you.

Don't think of the affair as a trip to Disney -- they both felt like crap about themselves or they wouldn't have done it. But, it wasn't ok for them to take you (and the OP if there is one) down with them. Don't let it take the kids down, if you can avoid it-- if your marriage can be saved.

I hope for peace, clarity and strength for you.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2081 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

For some reason, there seems to be far more people giving the advice of just divorce than there ever used to be on here.

Right now you are mad as hell and you deserve to be and you deserve for your wife to start giving you intelligent answers as to what in the hell was she really thinking.

It is hard to say whether or not she had this affair because she was just told that you were messing around. I would think some kind of proof would have been needed.

Another question for your wife is, why didn't she come to you with this information before having the so-called revenge affair.

It does seem to me that she is using this as an excuse for the affair. And she does have some adult explaining to do.

If you really do love her more than anything in the world, you should try and get through this. Have you thought of any kind of MC to talk this over with.

It sounds like your wife is truly sorry and remorseful, which has become somewhat unusual anymore.

I am hoping that this Sqt. no longer has a job there. And never again works in law enforcement.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
Credence
Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

So sorry you're here SWAT70 but glad you found us. I'm not sure whether Frankie was alluding to this but something about this just doesn't sit quite right for me. You only need to read some of the posts in this forum to realise that for most betrayed spouses the emphasis after finding out about the affair almost immediately turns to getting the truth - not jumping into a revenge affair. If you cast your mind back to when your W 'found out' about your supposed affair, did she confront you and did it seem to you that she was focussed on getting the truth? Was she visibly traumatised?

I may be way off the mark here but I can't help wondering if your 'affair' was a story they fabricated just in case they got caught.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

It does seem to me that she is using this as an excuse for the affair.

I agree with Craigs comment. It could be she wanted to screw around with the OM; have a brief exciting affair, and when she got caught she had this excuse all prepared and ready.

She didn't do any investigation to support her suspicions; just took his word and cheated? Don't believe it. She wanted her romantic/sexual fantasy and now she's trying to wriggle out of responsibility.

I would give her the scare of her life and file for divorce. You can always retract at some later date; preferably after you've made her sign some kind of agreement signing over marital assets to you.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm all over the place right now and have been for awhile now. I have to go to work now but I will try to explain the whole situation, as I know it later. I really do appreciate you all just wanting to help me.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Since January 2013 I has suspected my wife of 13 years had been cheating.
This started before you got your new partner?
She says he had her convinced I was cheating and he was always saying I was out banging my partner
Your WW is blameshifting and not taking responsibility for her choice to have an affair.
but I will never survive without my wife.
I can assure you, you will most definitely survive without your wife. Many of us have felt that way. Not only have many survived without their spouse but have thrived. We aren't called SurvivingInfidelity for nothing. However, that doesn't mean I am saying to divorce your WW.

Have you been to MC? When did the affair end? Is there NC in place? Are you separated?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

SWAT70:
"...I will never survive without my wife."
Adding to what SisterMilkshake said, you really shouldn't limit yourself to a future of contingency to a woman who has proven she does not deserve such allegiance.

You may believe this-- certainly, many BS feel this very thing at first. But the truth is, you can not survive WITH your wife until she becomes a radically better spouse. A woman who zealously protects YOUR trust and FIGHTS any and all enemies of your marriage.

She is not yet that person- and both you and she must acknowledge this.

She needs to PROVE she can become a woman WORTHY of you, and you need to KNOW you are WORTHY of that. Absent both of these conditions, you will not be able to fully re-establish trust or respect, and any future reconciliation will ultimately be doomed by that.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
trojan007
Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Swat first of all sorry that you're here... But due to the circumstances this is a good place to be. First off your WW that story she is trying to sell you not for one minute buddy do you buy that. Posting here already helped you and this horrible situation. she's lying to you and I would watch out because there's much more of that coming your way from her. Listen the most important advice I can give you. Is please listen to people on here and they're great advice I see it numerous times on here people getting the best advice and yet they think their situations different you're coming to see that the stories might sound a little different but basically they're all the same so I can't emphasize this enough please take the advice that people give you on here I seen a lot of people go through unnecessary misery because there situations is different and you guys don't know my wayward like I do. Anyways good luck And file for D

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Fwh claims he thought I was cheating on him, so he felt it was just fine for him to cheat on me.

Had he bothered to do ANY investigating, he would have discovered he was wrong. I have always been completely transparent, I have excellent boundaries, and absolutely adored him.

The thing is...he didn't bother to dig for any info. He just had a "feeling" that I was cheating.

He did not dig for info. He did not ask me if I was cheating. He did not appear to be upset or traumatized in any way that his wife was cheating on him.

Why? Because he knew if he looked he would have found nothing. Therefore, he wouldn't have been able to justify cheating on me and he couldn't blame me.

He cheated because he wanted to. And so did your wife.

What is she doing to figure out her issues? Is she in IC? Is she transparent? Does she answer all of your questions?

I'd ask if she own this..but clearly she is blaming OM for her actions. Until she takes full responsibility, you can't R.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mightsurvive
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Swat

You've gotten lots of good advice and all have made some excellent points. Consider it all HOWEVER maybe you should slow down. It sounds like you are forcing yourself to make a decision now. You have drawn your line in the sand which is necessary and awesome ....good job. But now step back a bit. You can think of YOU now. You owe it to yourself to figure out what you want...not what society or your parents or any others expect you to do

As my dad told me "no one else has to live your life"

Allow yourself to take all the time you want. You have enough pressure right now. Don't add extra for yourself


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Some history maybe in order. I have known my wife for close to thirty years. She is the younger sister of one of my best friends growing up. I used to think she was "a pest" when I was a teenager. I am six years older than her and joined the military right out of high school. Didn't see her again for seven years and when I did. Wow I couldn't believe that it was her. The OM, her brother and I all grew up together. My wife was married at that time. I had never been in a LTR lasting more than two years, was always to busy. I had been cheated on before and always ended those relationships. I say my wife again after serving another three years and she was divorced due to her ex cheating. We started dating and got married three years later after I has join the police department. Her brother and I were still great friends but her brother and OM no longer would talk to one another. I was never told why.

My wife has some issues with depression and is a notorious non communicator. She never actually confronted me about her suspicion I was cheating. She would always make snide remarks about "my girlfriends". The thing is my wife and I had lots of talks about cheating and we both knew the other would not tolerate it. We both said we would end any relationship before we cheated. She also knows I had ended relationships in the past.

My wife never deletes anything on the computer or her cell phone. She printed out and gave me all of the messages from the OM. He had seriously painted a great case for me cheating. I never carry my phone at work and when I would message my wife my replies were rather brief and to the point. OM knew what I was doing all the time at work since he was my immediate supervisor. His messages and calls to my wife would ask her whre i was because I had left early or should have been home. My wife would send me a messge when i was unavailable. When I would get her message my reply would be "working late. Or be home soon". But see the OM knew I was working and I would not answer my messages. My wife being the non communicator she is and she never a wants to argue just thought the worst. OM continued to do this for several months prior to January 2013. When I got my female partner OM was telling my wife my partner had gotten into our unit by sleeping with other officers. OM played it up and was always saying he was just looking out for my wife because everyone was such good friends for so long.

When I got hurt my wife found out the truth. OM had told my wife I was not working and was at a hotel with my partner. My partner was pregnant and working an office detail. My wife did not tell me anything about the affair until I confronted her in February of this year. I knew about it in full detail early January of this year. I had pages and pages of texts and emails none of which she ever expressed any deep feelings for OM. Sh never once said "I love you " to him. Her replies where always saying mean and nasty things about me. OM even suggested he try to get her pregnant so I would have to work longer and when she would finally leave me she could get more money. I can at least say she told him to go to hell on that one. Since I was injured my wife changed completely. She was perfect in every way. My wife and i have both started IC. My wife is so upset because her brother has now finally told us why he is no longer friends with OM. He tried to do almost he senthing to her brother and his wife. Wish they would have told me sooner or let my wife in on the issue. But they were unaware of our problems. My wife would never talk to her older brother about relationship issues due to her previous marriage and the issues it caused in her family.

I know my wife is remorseful and is trying so hard. But I can't keep wondering "Why?" Just talk to me ask me demand answers anything. Why did she want to hurt me so bad?

Good lord this is long. I am so sorry but I just had to get it out.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Sorry for the typos. Fat fingers small keyboard on an iPhone.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Credence
Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Wow SWAT, this is far more complex than it seemed at first. The OM really did a number on you and your wife and that is something that needs to be taken into consideration. It was a carefully planned and well executed manipulation.

The overriding issue, and it's something many of us struggle with, is why was it easier for her to jump into the sack with him than it was to confront you about her unhappiness? I appreciate that she isn't a great communicator but this is her life, her marriage. Why did she not feel secure enough in her marriage to ask you what was going on? I get that she was in a bad place but still, the onus was on her to talk to you or seek advice/counselling.

She made a decision to do what she did and she needs to own that decision. The OM's manipulation may have clouded her judgement but he didn't hold a gun to her head.

I really do think you need to give this some time. Work through the issues in counselling and allow your wife the opportunity to show true remorse for what she did. As you get a bit further down the road you'll be able to see things more clearly and make a decision on whether or not R is an option.

Please keep posting here, there are plenty of people here to offer you support and advice.



If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Sorry that you are here, friend. And thank you for your past and present service.

You have received good advice, and it will come from many angles. And while I believe in giving yourself time to sort things out before making a life-changing decision, I am not in disagreement with you sending her divorce papers.

No, I am not pro-divorce. But I am definitely all for a strong stance, as you discover ALL that has led to this tragedy. Maybe your wife is remorseful; maybe there is more to the story. But what you do know, is that you are hurting badly...and you need to protect yourself.

Divorce doesn't happen overnight. You can stop the proceedings any time that you wish. But it does put your wife on a stopwatch, which may be a good thing. If she is truly remorseful, then she isn't going to give up---she is going to prove that she is worth a second chance. And if she ISN'T willing to put in that effort, are you going to be okay with that?

That will be for you to decide.

I think that the OM will get his come-uppings. There is no justification in his actions, and quite frankly, law-enforcement does not need the likes of him. As for your wife, you will need to dig deep. She will need to dig deep. If she was able to be snowed into another man's bed, WITHOUT CONFRONTING HER OWN HUSBAND, then what will stop her from doing it again? This is what she really needs to investigate...assuming that this is the truth.

No one wants to discover that their spouse is capable of things that we never imagined---yet here we are, devastated by their actions. Read confused615's post again, and take a harder look at your wife than you ever had. Is there more to this?

Good luck moving forward. Do not be afraid to press your wife for answers to very difficult questions. It may just be able to save your marriage...if you so desire.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Howie
Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 28th (Friday)

As one betrayed my "best" friend, I am aware of the compound pain caused by multiple-layed deceptions; the OM in your case was truly vile (I don't use the word evil with people's wanderings but this man was evil) and I deeply congratulate you on making a civilized,non-violent (and effective) response to his treachery. This said, your wife is partially absolved and fully responsible: most loving wives would-given all the evidence, have confronted you even with the feature of betraying their source(and hence making added trouble). A revenge affair with a friend simply smells wrong. She really should not have but that is done. And whatever the special circumstances (and how) you are in the post discovery position, as all of us.
What-if you are to continue, happens now? Her real remorse, in words and actions (many messages on SI about that). Her vow never again,her support of you and total transparency. Her earning, every day, your daily trust You: that in your heart you can respond to this things and after the great injury,still love her.If she can conform, I'd say give her a second chance-IF you can.You could still have a good life together, if..
For me, there is no answer to the "why" question.
We were happy, I was loyal, our sex was great. Why kill me? Because the old me surely died, in great pain.Why do this to your life partner? She was fully communicative and I have explored every aspect of the betrayal. I know all the common human stuff, people compartmentalize, they are selfish, they have agendas and 15 years later I still get up every day and ask "why?" That question is part of the long term injury.Life isn't fair ( you see that everyday in your work).
We carry on.Best to you-

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 28th (Friday)

This said, your wife is partially absolved and fully responsible: most loving wives would-given all the evidence, have confronted you

Agreed, but she's grown up with the guy and doesn't know he's full of crap? The OM needs to have a full investigation by the PD and see who else he's tried this on.
I'd make sure his superiors understand the possibility of lawsuit coming.
As to the why, well that's a question your WW needs to answer.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Did the cheating lovers use condoms? Any form of protection?
One hell of a difference. The use of condoms implies some form of respect for your marriage in that she didn't want to expose you to disease and herself to pregnancy. Also coming home, having sex with you after having unprotected sex with the OM, is frankly insulting and disrespectful.

Get the impression that your wife had an affair now expects that a few sorries will make things right. After all she's got you to believe she was tricked into cheating, which I think is a load of baloney.

Hope you have reported the OM to his superiors, which, together with testimony from your wife should cost the sleaze ball his job.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 28th (Friday)

The OM needs to have a full investigation by the PD and see who else he's tried this on.
I agree with that! I can't imagine this guy has one friend left in the entire police dept.

SWAT, after this, you and your wife could have an even stronger and better relationship. It sounds like she is truly remorseful and not just acting. I hope she also feels foolish for ever allowing this happen.

Like others though, I don't understand how she would not have confronted you first without having sex with the informer of this news.

You say she is the non-communicating type, and her way of confronted you could have been the snide comments she was making. My wife is also the non-communicating type, and that sure as hell can lead to problems in all areas of life and marriage.

Hopefully you can get over this. This mind images will get old after a while, like seeing a commercial a million times you hate, it finally just gets old.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 28th (Friday)

The reason I advise the betrayed spouse to seek post nup agreement or D is because cheating is such a severe betrayal..All bets are off..I think that the betrayed partner and any children should be legally and financially protected before any work on the relationship begins...So that the injured partner doesn't feel trapped in the marriage due to financial reasons /child custody reasons..

If the cheating partner is willing to cooperate in post-nup or D which weighs heavily in the betrayed partner's favor ( in order to see to it that the betrayed partner is financially / legally protected ) than it is likely that this WS is remorseful and willing to move mountains to fix things..

I am speaking from the perspective of anticipating a difficult D..I feel trapped because I am having to spend more time than I want to in getting my ducks in a row to file.


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 28th (Friday)

When I mailed my wife the evidence she just looked shocked. I had all the messages and emails of when I was supposed to have cheating. I went into work and requested my time sheets for almost an entire year. This at least proved to her I was actually working. OM transferred to a different unit when I confronted my wife. I did file a complaint with IA since OM used department resources to do this and he manipulated subordinates and often gave unlawful orders. Turns out OM did so much shit it wasn't funny. IA seized his work computer and he was suspended for 90 days pending the investigation. I have actually spoken with the Chief of Police, also former military and a victim of infidelity. The Chief assured me OM will not be returning to work ever. The president of our PBA has also stated OM is going to be terminated. Every officer in the department is a member of our union and had the right to be defended by union attorneys. However OM is not fighting the charges filed against him and his employment is over at the end of the 90 days. OM cleaned out his locker and office the day I walked into IA. The Chief and union president state the County DA may even file criminal charges against OM for some of the things he did. Nothing that will get him jail time because in the grand scheme of things in my State and area tampering with the computers and some of the other things he did are criminal, but the seriousness just isn't there.

As to my wife. When I confronted her she was obviously in shock. She just kept yelling "No..this can't be happening now." My wife then went on to explain she had ended the affair when she found out I was hospitalized for my injury. She said she was afraid to tell me anything because I had always said I could never stay with a cheater. My wife went on to say she was always afraid I would cheat on her or leave her anyway. It seems my wife has no self esteem due to the abuse from her previous marriage. My wife is gorgeous, the love of my life and the mother of my children. I never went a day without saying ILY. Earlier this month was our eleventh wedding anniversary. In my first post I said wife of thirteen years however we have been together 13 years but only married for ten. My wife and I got engaged and were planning the wedding when we had an "oops" and she became pregnant with our daughter. My wife didn't want to get married because she was pregnant. She didn't want me to do the "right thing". So we waited and I thought she realized how much I love her.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 28th (Friday)

As far as I know my wife always used a condom. She was devastated when I confronted her. She has gotten and std test and showed me the results and everything is fine.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 28th (Friday)

We are currently separated sort of. We are in the same house however I have changed shifts and work from 1400-0400 hours. The 12 hour days give me a lot more time off to see my children. I just sleep in the basement guest suite. I am sorry if my posts are rambling and I hope I can and have answered some of the questions.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 28th (Friday)

My wife has agreed verbally to not go after my pension and did not want spousal support if we divorce. My wife has been remorseful and she is not faking it. I do believe her snide remarks were obviously her way of telling me what she was thinking. But when I would ask her WTF she was talking about, she never actually said it and would just turn away and do something else or change the subject. Since my wife has started IC she has told me more things than ever and is communicating better as well.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 28th (Friday)

So sorry you are here SWAT70. Terrible story you have on your hands. I don't have any additional advice that hasn't already been said. I want to let you know that you have been heard. Sounds like the beginning stages of your situation are well underway. Where are you emotionally? How do you feel about what remorse your wife has shown? Being in-house separated, are you leaning one way or the other at the moment towards R or D?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, March 28th (Friday)

The best advice is to not rush into this. If you still love this woman, and she is genuinely remorseful, you can both explore reasons why it happened, and try to work on saving your marriage. It doesn't sound like your marriage cannot be resolved.

In my situation, my wife cheated, told me she wanted a divorce. So I filed the next week - to show her that I was serious. And I told her up front that filing for divorce is a formality...there is ample time to reconcile, seek MC, try to make things work. But I wanted her to know that I was serious - that I would not tolerate her continued adultery with this other guy.

She never showed any remorse, nor any apologies offered. I was willing to go to counseling, but it was a moot point.

In your case, from what I've read, you still have a marriage that can be resolved. Or at least it is still within the realm of possibilities.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Swat:
I have actually spoken with the Chief of Police, also former military and a victim of infidelity. The Chief assured me OM will not be returning to work ever.

This was a joy to read. A lot of us Betrayeds have been through a variation of what you've experienced-- having a wife targeted by a serial adulterer with whom one spouse worked.

In my case, my wife worked with him-- and he was a pro at the long con. He worked to establish trust over a few months-- and used the rapport he built to lead things towards an affair.

It doesn't absolve my wife of her responsibility for cheating, but made it easier to understand after the fact.

Yet after the exposure, the leadership at their company closed ranks around him-- unlike in your case. It amounted to a tacit endorsement for infidelity -- and was pretty damn ugly to watch.

I don't know what you'll choose to do. But it does sound like you have better prospects for a successful reconciliation than many here. As one who has fully reconciled -- and been greatly blessed in the years after -- I hope you'll at least give it some consideration (provided there is nothing else uncovered about this, or some prior betrayal, that makes the matter more complicated).

Please keep us posted-- we're rooting for you, man.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I'm so glad scum OM got his just desserts; doesn't seem to happen very often.

My problem with your wife's story concerns a typical BS's reaction to infidelity:
1] First thing is we confront, because we want the sex and intimacy to end and explanations as to why the WS cheated. Your wife did not confront; apparently she was OK with your supposed adultery continuing. BS's just don't do that; if we care for our WS then we want that affair over, right now

2] As Uncertainone said a few weeks ago, whats the point of a revenge affair if you don't tell the spouse you have had one? Where is the revenge? Your wife was not going to tell you that she had cheated so we can rule out revenge as a reason.

3] She knew the OM wanted to get in her pants and therefore had a motive for spreading tales about your supposed infidelity. Why should she then believe this guy when he wanted her sexually and would do anything to get her between the sheets?

4] Every case of revenge affair I have ever heard of stemmed from a 100% certainty that the spouse has cheated. It was a given. Your WW did not have this certainty, nowhere near, so why proceed without 100% proof?

I think your wife is quite a clever gal. This tale about being tricked into sex by the OM lies is brilliant, because it gives her an out. She can look shocked and tearful and appear quite devastated. Hell, she's almost innocent of adultery; from her perspective anyway.
In reality, the OM came on to her, she was flattered by the attention and supported by some resentment of you, it was exciting affair time. She had her excuse, didn't really care if it had a basis or not, she got to enjoy another lover and you would probably never know.

I also think you should reconcile; just don't be hoodwinked into believing her deceit. Start off with honesty if you want the reconciliation to be successful.

One further sad point. Your wife has known you for 30 years, bore three of your children and she yet she 'chose to believe' lies from the OM who wanted sex with her. Either way you have been deeply insulted; either she is guilty of exciting adultery, or an awful lack of trust in a husband who has known her for nearly all of her life. Soul mates indeed!

[This message edited by OK now at 1:44 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Thanks everyone for your kind words. A lot of you have touched on my biggest issue. I have known this woman for so long. How could she not trust me? How could she not say anything to me? Why do this to me? I'm sick everyday because what she has done. She knows this yet she can not honestly tell me why. I've asked her if she thought I wouldn't care? Did she think I would not notice the change in her behavior. I asked her all the time to talk to me. Would she...no. Her only reply is she thought she had already lost me. I asked her what I did to make her think this. Her answer...nothing. I told her the only conclusion I can draw from this was she wanted to. She must have like it. She did it more than once. She has told me about the three times (she says) together. Twice was oral sex and touching one time actual sex. I call BS. If she was so upset with my "cheating". Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it? I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it? I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.
That is the big question. To get even with someone, they must first know what you did to get even in the first place.

As for her thinking. There is no real rational thinking during an affair. There is never a conscience thought about getting caught.

The thought that she already lost you, sounds like someone who gave up...before even trying or fighting.

Maybe talking in front of a MC would help your wife communicate all of this better to you.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 28th (Friday)

The trouble with seeking the truth is that the WS is rarely willing to give it. Your WW wants to preserve her marriage, she certainly would be horrified at the very idea of divorce. The 'truth' you will get will be the facts that make her look as acceptable as possible. Hence the 'I thought you were cheating' 'I thought I had lost you' statements.

She is not going to tell you anything that casts her in bad light because that undermines reconciliation. Everything will be sanitized because her goal is to get you to forget her affair, get you back into the marriage bed and move on with life. She will ruthlessly pursue that objective and veracity doesn't figure into the equation.

I'm sorry to say that you will not get the truth you seek for quite a while, if ever. She cheated selfishly, regrets getting caught and you might as well get along with reconciliation. Things however, will never be the same, nor should they be.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I have known this woman for so long. How could she not trust me? How could she not say anything to me? Why do this to me?

These are the questions that you CANNOT leave unanswered. Her responses are woefully inadequate, and she needs to start being honest with you(and herself).

I've asked her if she thought I wouldn't care? Did she think I would not notice the change in her behavior. I asked her all the time to talk to me. Would she...no. Her only reply is she thought she had already lost me.

Again, this is totally unacceptable. It shows a real lack of remorse. Your feelings were never taken into consideration.

I told her the only conclusion I can draw from this was she wanted to. She must have like it.

Yup.

She did it more than once. She has told me about the three times (she says) together. Twice was oral sex and touching one time actual sex. I call BS. If she was so upset with my "cheating". Why didn't she get "even" and tell me. Why try to ignore it?

You will never have a chance at true reconciliation, without the answers to these.

I say just tell me the truth. I need to know.

Isn't it amazing(and cruel) that we can often work past the actual infidelity, but it is the ensuing lies that really kill the marriage?

[This message edited by jb3199 at 11:38 PM, March 28th (Friday)]


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, March 28th (Friday)

Well I talked with the wife tonight. Was actually enlightening. She opened up and said she has always been afraid I would find someone better. She believes I was just to good for her and would find a better woman. She said she always noticed other women checking me out and what she saw as flirting with me. She said she is just not pretty enough or woman enough to keep a man like me. My reply was I choose you. I wanted to be with you. I loved you with everything I had. I never looked at another woman they way I looked at you.

She lost it again and apologized saying she will do anything. I asked her to write everything in a letter since she does have a hard time expressing herself. She agreed to do so and is in the kitchen writing it now. I truly want to believe her but I know it just doesn't add up.

I mean why him of all people. Yes I considered him one of my best friends. My BIL now hates him but he never said anything bad about OM. These people have been major influences for the majority of my life. BIL,WW and their family were my rock growing up. I was the only child of a single mother (divorced). That family took me in and treated my like a son. Even before I actually was on. OM was the third amigo when we were growing up. BIL has since told me OM has always been jealous of us. No one knows why actually.

Wife has said it would not have happened if it wasn't him. I don't get that really. Does it make sense to anyone? I did have my wife served with divorce papers when I sent her all of the evidence. She hasn't responded to them yet and has obviously said she does not want a divorce. I'm trying my best to be strong through all of this. That is what I do and have always done. It is just my nature and how I have lived my life. I will always stand up for what I believe is right. I have fought for and bled for this all of my adult life. Tonight I told me wife I am tired. I have been fighting for what is right for more than twenty five years. I asked her one more question. Are you ready to stand up and fight for what is right? She cried and said she would. I am praying she does. For me, her and our family.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, March 28th (Friday)

She opened up and said she has always been afraid I would find someone better. She believes I was just to good for her and would find a better woman. She said she always noticed other women checking me out and what she saw as flirting with me. She said she is just not pretty enough or woman enough to keep a man like me.

This is a wayward's backhand compliment. Its taking any of the responsibility off her and laying it on you/your looks/your personality, etc.

Why, if she was so afraid of losing you, did she go fuck someone else? Not once. Oh no. But numerous times. She had a relationship outside of your marriage and is blaming it on thinking she might lose you? That sounds rehearsed. Honestly. It all of a sudden came to her when you were hospitalized and the truth of your whereabouts came out - right.

Ask pointed questions, not open ended ones. Ask her specifics.

Her letter will be all flowery and make you out to be this wonderful guy that she doesn't deserve. Don't lap it up. Read it for what it is, a manipulation.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, March 28th (Friday)

broken
I understand and agree with you. I just need her to open up and start a real dialogue with me. I know it doesn't seem like it but I know my wife. I knew there was a problem and I wanted to fix it. She has always held grudges but in the past they were minor things. I have asked her some difficult questions recently and she has answered them truthfully I believe. I do question people for a living and can almost always tell when people are lying. WW has not really lied a whole lot. I get she is down playing what happened and that is a natural defense. I have told her she has some time to get to the bottom of her problems. I love her with everything I have but I will not be treated this way. I know there have been people telling my she is not being completely honest and I know this as I see it everyday. WW now knows the ball is in her court. Fix her shit or I'm gone. WW is trying I know this and I know she wants to paint me as this paragon. I know I am. Just kidding. I'm no where near perfect. I'm just like everyone else here. I have tried to be the best person I could be. I've made mistakes in life and my marriage, but I was always the best person I could be.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

On a lighter note. I also told her the "too good looking" thing isn't gonna fly no more. I've got too many scars now.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Since this all happened I keep having these random thoughts and people have mentioned it just doesn't seem right. So I keep thinking and digging into the past. Arguments, good times and bad. Why does my middle boy have blonde hair and blue eyes? Why does my daughter have blonde hair? My youngest is a carbon copy, so no question there. These things all popped into my head early on when I found out. These are thoughts that kill me inside. I know I'm no different than anyone else here. My questions,thoughts and issues are the same as everyone else's. I hope and pray that I can find the strength to fight this fight. I also hope and pray for you all who are going through this as well.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

SWAT,

Putting your pain aside for just a moment, look at the current situation from a different angle.

She may very well be telling you a good(if not most) portion of the truth, but that is not enough. She not only betrayed you, but she betrayed herself. How was she able to debase herself so easily...and repeatedly?

If she doesn't dig deep to get these answers, then unfortunately, the chance for more D-days in the future is very high.

The two parts of the problem are (1) getting the entire truth about the affair(s), and (2) discovering how it became possible. How personal morals and boundaries were simply dismissed, and a perpetual lie was kept until discovery. How to put new, healthy boundaries in place, so trust can eventually be rebuilt.

She has to want to do this, friend, or the marriage can never recover. I hope that she has it in her to find out.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Swat)))
I'm sorry man.
It's a little slow on weekends, but we're listening. Keep posting brother.
Swat)))

Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

You also need to find out about the frequency and amount of sex with the OM; was it really 3 times. Hopefully writing it all down in a letter might help her to recount the truth and not the minimization WS's are inclined to give. Have there been other affairs in the past? All needs to be revealed.

When you finally have all the ruth you are going to get you need to define the path towards reconciliation. Maybe counseling might be in order; discussing issues together with a third party is often helpful.

You might ask if she had any intention of confessing her adultery sometime in the future if you had not found out. Gives an interesting insight into how emotionally close she feels to you and how much she values honesty.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

The color of your children's hair is a common thought. After being shocked by something like this, it is common to question everything. Because everything you thought was fine was not.

You might even find yourself questioning if 2+2 really is 4.

I think the most important part right now is for your wife to be honest with herself and you. Honest as to the why, what really allowed her to do this.

The reason for her to fully understand the why, is so it never happens again. There are lots of asses in this world, and certainly your wife needs to understand how she let this happen just because she was lied to.

Soul searching on her part might reveal her previous marriage, which I believe you said had some kind of abuse during it, have any part. Will it in future decisions.

Make sure you let her be honest, which means that she is not afraid of being honest with you.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Verbal assurances from WS's are not enough..
Promises of no more cheating, assurances of not going after your pension, etc, not enough if they are only verbal assurances...

For the immediate time being you may not see any cheating or other misbehavior...It is only with a lot of time ( maybe some additional digging) that you will know your WW's true motivations and intentions..

Over time you will have more clarity into how you feel in the aftermath of WW's A's..

You will begin to get an idea whether or not your resentment over what your W did is too overwhelming to stay in the marriage...

Protect your self legally and financially in writing in a way that is legally binding.Taking the time to see how the affair aftermath unfolds / and or attempting R should not risk your future livelihood..

I don't mean to sound cold or bitter, but I think a remorseful WS would understand why his/her BS would not want to risk his/her future livelihood to attempt R..... Sometimes it is years down the road before one realizes that attempted R is a false R..

So before R happens, protect yourself..You will have more peace of mind if you have a good (legal/financial) exit plan in place in the event R goes badly..

I broached this topic to my WS several months into attempted R..The answers I got from him gave me the clarity that I needed...

I found out that what my WH wanted out of the marriage had nothing to do with loving me as a wife...He just wanted the comforts of home/stability..A little cake and ice cream on the side..Apparently I could never be enough for him..

My WS made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was entitled 1/2 of community property in a D..He told me that I was a crazy bitch to broach the topic of post nup and NO WAY was he gonna cooperate..

What you need from your WW are ACTIONS...Let your WW prove she is remorseful without any intention of taking advantage of you or the marriage..

Her cooperation or lack of it in drafting / signing post nup can give you much needed clarity..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:17 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Hey brother, thank you for all you do.

Something sticks out like a sore thumb. It's a very common assumption, especially when viewed in the context of a RA.

Why do this to me?

All of us, and I do mean all, get this stuck in our forebrain. It is from our heart, our soul and our confusion. How could the one we loved and trusted so much do this to us? Seems obvious, right? It's not.

Actually, all affairs, even RA's have very little to do with us the BS. Strip away the surrounding circumstances (everyone has their excuses, just like a certain body part), and what you're left with is; *what need/want/desire* did the A fill? She wanted to hurt you as a result of your *A*? Without talking to you or confronting you? Really? My own questions would fall along the lines of, *Why would you be so willing to demean yourself just to get back at me?* *After all of our discussions about an A ending our M, why was your first response to f*** him?*

Just occurred to me. As close as all of you were in your youth, is there a sexual history between them in the past?

Strength today brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Well today has been a Charlie Foxtrot. Went to the store with BIL to get a swing set for the kids. Saw OM with another female co worker. OM gave me the bird and caused a scene telling me I f'ed his life up. BIL about punched his lights out. All I said was I did nothing wrong you and WW did that on your own. OM said something that scared the heck outta me. He said she was his first and always would be.

Went home and asked WW, "WTF was he talking about?" So it appears they had a little history I knew nothing about. WW said they dated briefly before she was married to her first husband. WW says it was an intimate relationship, but she ended it due to his "deviant" nature making her uncomfortable. That and she didn't love him like she loved her ex.

I told my WW I was leaving for awhile. She gave me her letter today, which is more of a timeline. I read it and said. So she had an obvious history with OM, dumped him because she "loved" a man who physically and mentally abused her. Divorced him and decided I was the best option.

WW said that is not true. She has loved me since she was a teenage. She says she settled before not now.

I almost threw up. I told her im leaving and went for a run. That was about three hours ago. I'm at my in laws right now. WW has been texting me for the last hour. In laws know everything now. MIL is pissed, she told me she never liked OM. OM was a strange kid according to FIL, stated one of the happiest day of their lives was when I asked WW on our first date.

I just don't know anymore. WW letter says she choose OM because she thought it would upset me but not destroy me because she never loved him. It was just sex. My MIL thinks WW depression (not diagnosed) along with the mental abuse from her ex caused her to exaggerate her feelings and thoughts about my "cheating". MIL stated the ex really did mess up WW.

MIL stated she was concerned early last year because she also noticed WW acting strange and mentioning my "gf's". MIL said she asked WW what was going on but WW said everything was fine. MIL is so upset that she never mentioned it to me. I just wish WW would have done or said something before this all happened.

The look on OM face today and how he acted like he owned her. I can't get that out of my head. I was upset before but now I just see them together in my head. God I want to throw up.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

I'm done for now. I don't know how much more I can take. I sent my WW a text. I'm not going home. I'll be staying with BIL the rest of the weekend. I am teaching at the police academy for the next two weeks anyway. I guess I'm gonna have to seriously start to 180. I'll deal with my kids. She can fix all the other shit.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

Maybe its symptom of the modern society but it seems crazy that WS's cheat with so little justification. They get some petty resentment between their ears and then take off all of their clothes and make passionate love to some other person than their spouse.

Then they look amazed at the pain of the BS and say something dumb like "it was only sex". Its supposed to take as much as 5 years for the BS to climb out of the post-fidelity depression, but you can bet the WS will be complaining after a few months "why can't you get over it and move on"

Hope you can come to some decision fairly soon that brings some measure of peace.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, March 29th (Saturday)

sending you strength.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

I am glad you are able to feel safe at your BILs and that they are supporting you. Getting some distance sounds like a very good idea to give you time to process the history with OM and hopefully, teaching will be a welcome distraction for you. As you say this really is her mess to fix and your energy is better spent on you and your kids.

None of this is easy but you are holding up incredibly well under the strain--especially when confronted with the OM! I hope you are able to be proud of yourself for that. I also hope you will eventually allow yourself to put your strength down in order to process the feelings as needed; but the early numbness can be a blessing and using the 180 as a tool will only help.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

You are doing as well as could be expected. Good luck, stay as strong as you can for your kids. You can do this, R or D.

Working 12's is a good way to reasonably maintain 50/50 custody. If you are separating, keep up the time with them. It will be hard, but it sounds like you have help for times when you can hardly breathe.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Jun 2012
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

hey swat,

i was on a direct action CQB team in the marine corps. i know that this betrayal cuts even more deeply because of the work relationship with the OM, teammates are supposed to have each others backs. instead he stuck you into harms way and then ambushed you.

id feel the same way towards OM as you do.

i do think there is more about your WW and OM than you know right now. revelations keep coming out that alter their relationship. a good question to ask is of your brother in law ... why is it that he wont talk to OM from years before? what happened? there is a story there and it may shed more light on what is going on...


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jan 2014
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

i do think there is more about your WW and OM than you know right now. revelations keep coming out that alter their relationship. a good question to ask is of your brother in law ... why is it that he wont talk to OM from years before? what happened? there is a story there and it may shed more light on what is going on...

I agree with this post from William. If you are going to start digging, this is a very good place to start.

So your WW figured it wouldn't be as bad because it "was just sex"? Wow---I bet that you feel better now. The shit that comes out of our spouses mouths can be amazing.

And let's add to that---she "just had sex" with someone she had an intimate past with....that you were totally unaware of. And she stopped dating him because his *deviant* behavior? But had her *revenge affair* with that same person? You can see how this doesn't add up.

Also, is there any possibility that her ex wasn't this abusive monster, and your WW contributed heavily to their failed marriage? I am just throwing that question out there.

It appears that you are quite comfortable with her in-laws. I'm glad that they support you. Hopefully, with some pointed questions, they may be able to give you some answers that will help the puzzle fit together a little better. I know that it is hard to make sense out of nonsense...which is what affairs are...but there may very well be some darker background from your WW's past that you never even thought possible. And now that you are neck-deep in this mess, you are going to want some explanations.

On a different note, I see that the POS OM hasn't learned anything yet, has he?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

. OM gave me the bird and caused a scene telling me I f'ed his life up.

I give this guy (OM) absolutely zero respect, there are immature people walking in this world with no character and they have my pity. He has his own issues that are surely eating him up. Any direct response will only feed his need for validation, even beating the holy crap out of him as I'm sure you're tempted to do. He has learned to cope with being a miserable human being, you cannot reason with such people. Don't even try.
Keep looking into the history, give it some time. Good luck and keep posting.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

Me and BIL went to have a few drinks last night. I must be getting old tequila is not my friend anymore either.

BIL explained a lot of things last night. OM had attempted to split BIL up with SIL years ago. OM did the almost exact same thing. Tried to make each of them think the other was cheating and was always giving some typed of "proof". I got to say after a few drinks and the talk I have a lot more respect for my SIL. Would not want to piss her off. OM had tried setting them up and when he made a move on SIL, she punched him. BIL said he and his W also had problems communicating when this all happened. MC helped them a lot he said. When this happened my BIL did have it out with OM. OM has actually hated us for years now. OM was apparently jealous of us. BIL was always the ladies man even in high school. When I graduated and left OM hated me because I was missed by several classmates and the in laws. According to my BIL, WW did have a huge crush on me then. OM actually wanted her then. OM said he should have been the one my in laws "took in". He was born locally and knew he family longer. I'm an only child of a single mother and my in laws treated me like a son from early on. My mother is a wonderful woman and did her best to provide for me. My friendship with all of these people was so important to me. They became my family.

So while I'm away, OM is still friends with everyone and eventually moves in on my WW. They date briefly and it ends badly due to WW also dating her ex at the time. BIL did not think either relationship was very serious at the time as WW was still very young and at no time did she act exclusive with them. BIL did confirm the abuse and does not believe there was any infidelity in that relationship.

I asked my BIL why he never told me any of this and he said he did not know exactly. BIL thought the mess between him and his wife was the extent of the problem. He did not know OM still held such hatred for me or still had feelings for my WW. BIL said his avoiding OM and not saying anything to his family probably caused my WW affair more than anything.

I told him no. That is all on WW. She did this to us not anyone else. She was the weak one and gave in. She choose to believe him and not fight for me or our marriage.

I went to the coffee shop and had to get this all out. I sent my WW a message. I told her I'm hurt and angry with her. I love her but I don't know how I can fix this or get past it. I told her not to respond. My WW sent me this "SWAT, I love you with all of my heart and soul. I am so sorry for what I did to you, me and our family. I will fix this, just wait and see. Give me some time and I will probe it to you. Please!! I love you."

I sent another message telling her she can try I will be watching. I also said I would not be returning home anytime soon, but would stop by tonight to see the children and get my things for work.

This stuff sucks so bad. I want to thank everyone who has posted. I have read them all and your well wishes are awesome. It's just ironic that you all sometimes seem to know what's going to happen or that there maybe more I don't know about. To those of you who actually R, god bless you all cause this shit is hard. I always thought I could take anything thrown my way. Now I'm not so sure.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Hurthalo
Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

Swat, hope things are better for you mate. The way you have dealt with the OM is pure justice porn, I was giggling like a schoolgirl reading how he lost his job on account of his arsehole ways. My W/OMs supervisor at their work had no spine and tried to smooth the whole thing over, the situation there only sorted itself out when I took action and forced the supervisor's hand, so the support you have gotten is excellent.

OM certainly sounds like a broken piece of detritus, don't try and understand him or thw situation mate, because to quote our MC, 'there is no logic to be found in an affair....because they are completely illogical to begin with.'

OM is my case is a serial cheater who admitted to my W in the closing stages of the affair that he was sleeping with hookers at the same time hewas trying to position my wife into the sack. Yeah, real classy guy.

Don't feel rushed to make a decision mate, take your time. It certainly is uncanny how people on here can predict what has happened, but that is purely because these things follow an almost identical script...one that has played out thousands of times.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

Swat, stay strong. You need to know that there is hope. You can survive this. Me and my FWW did.

Time will tell, but it looks like you have reason to hope. You have a remorseful WW and that's half the battle.

And think on this. Do you want the POSOM to
know he won by destroying your family?


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

If the OM hated you before, he sure as hell hates you even more after losing his job. Note his claim that you ruined his life.

He also said that your WW belonged to him,not you, which is not exactly a rational statement.

I would watch for this flaky, unstable nut to take further action against you. In particular your wife needs to make sure she takes no personal risks safety wise. Maybe you should go home at nights just in case; family protection and all that. This guy's attitude and mental health is somewhat disturbing and you need to be extra vigilant.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
UneasyFeelings
Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

Good luck brother. Be safe on the streets.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 31st (Monday)

Hey SWAT,

I‘m a former LEO. Joined up young and left to pursue a different career 9 years later.

I think I can understand the world you are coming from – the sense of double betrayal (your wife and your supervisor), the sense of duty (to family and to the Force), the “do-right” complex, the doubts, the questions, the ground-shattering of all your believes and values…

I might as well share my d-day story with you [Old-timers; bear with me. I know I have shared this numerous times but IMHO SWAT might benefit from it]
Friday night-shift from 22:00-06:00. Before I left we went over some details for our wedding (planned Saturday 5 weeks from that day). She told me she might go visit the girls from the saloon (she was/is a hairdresser) and have a drink or two, but otherwise she was going to have an early night.
At around 2:00 a guy wrapped his car around a street-light and I was in one of the first cars to respond. I helped the ER get the guy out of the wreck and got some blood over my shirt sleeves and chest. I knew I was out of shirts in my locker so I dropped off home at our apartment.
I entered quietly so as to not wake her up. As I got closer to the bedroom I heard the groans and moans… I looked in and there she was – in our bed – with another man thrusting between her legs. I switched the light on… Wow. What an explosion! Just imagine the poor OM – having the time of his life and all of a sudden a big and bloody police officer is standing at the foot of the bed!
She screamed the classic line “It’s not what you think!” and he more or less fell out of bed in a struggle to get his pants on. I told him (in a surprisingly calm voice) “Don’t bother getting out of bed. Finish what you are doing. Shame to waste a good hard-on. She has no relevance to me anymore”. I then went and got a couple of clean shirts and left the room, closing the door behind me.
I changed shirts and left the apartment – NEVER to enter it again.
I went back to my parents after the shift. My brother went and gathered my stuff some days later. The wedding? Well… it never took place.

For ME this was the right decision. I “only” had time invested in that relationship. Granted it was nearing 5 years (about 2-3 living together) but at THAT TIME I decided that I did not want to enter a lifetime commitment if she wasn’t more committed than this indicated.

In my case the OM was irrelevant in the sense that for him this was an ONS with a woman he barely knew the name of. I learned afterwards that she had done this several times in our relationship – picked up random men for sex. Friends had suspicions, some had knowledge but no-one had the balls to tell me.

OK – so now you know where I come from.

It’s not really true that LEO cheat more than others. About 30 years ago researchers discovered that LEO have a significantly higher divorce rate than other professions. This has been researched a lot since then and is a major concern for HR in LEO. A good officer becomes “good” with time and experience. A veteran is a very valuable commodity, just as a bad officer is a major liability. Considering the higher divorce-, alcoholism- and suicide rates most departments have invested heavily in making professional services such as IC and MC available to its officers.

I’m guessing that if you are working a large department (since you are in a tactical squad) so PLEASE look into what resources are available to you.

I think that in many ways I did the perfect recovery after d-day in all aspects but two: I didn’t think to get anti-depressants (I was afraid they might cloud my professional abilities) and I did not get professional help. 15 years later I got help from an IC regarding PTSD symptoms from the d-day.


SWAT – As an officer then the chances are you have training you can utilize do deal with your situation. If you do then fall back to it. In officer training in the military and in my police academy training great emphasis is placed on evaluating the data you can access, reaching a decision based on your resources and options and then implementing. Once you implement you constantly reevaluate the data, new data, the options they offer and whether you need to take a new decision based on the changes. Officers are trained that the ONLY completely fatal mistakes is NOT reaching a decision, [Over time those that tend to make the wrong decisions are weeded out, along with those that can’t reach a decision].
The same principles apply in law enforcement. A drastic example: Imagine you are facing two opponents. One has a handgun that he’s holding but pointing down, the other has a big bowie knives. You are standing with your gun drawn pointing at them 20 feet away. Where would your main focus be? Where would you point your gun? All three are a threat but of the three who is most capable of causing you trouble at that particular moment?
OK – so you evaluate and decide to point your gun at the guy with the handgun. You definitely keep your eyes on the other two and you are ready to switch targets, but you gun is drawn straight at the chest of Mr. Handgun. Then you realize the handgun is a starter-pistol, incapable of firing live ammo. You all of a sudden have new info and this makes you reevaluate the situation. All of a sudden Mr. Bowie Knife is the threat. Even knowing that you also know that this is only one of a number of steps you have to do. But right now – there and then – disarming them and gaining control is the only step that matters. The other steps… Deal with them at the right time.

An example I often use for those that don’t have military- or LEO training: You wake up to the smell of smoke and the wailing of your smoke-detectors. You evaluate and realize your house is on fire. This is not the time to worry about your insurance coverage, the damage the firemen’s boots will do to your hardwood floors or the damage from the water. You simply focus on making sure everyone is safe and then calling 911. Focus on the prime task in hand and then deal with the rest as appropriate.


OK – How does this apply to your marriage and your situation?

Well – You are all over the place with your problems;
Are the kids yours?
Can you remain married?
Is the affair over?
How could she do this?
And so on…

These are ALL issues you need to and will address. But in a clear and organized way.

Let’s get the paternity issue out of the way. That is a major concern and I can imagine being worried about that issue must be eating away at you. If you are determined to know the truth then do either of the below:
1) Know your, WW and children’s blood-type? Simply look up online if the types indicate paternity (http://www.canadiancrc.com/paternity_determination_blood_type.aspx). This might provide you with answers and/or eliminate some possibilities.
2) Check online for paternity DNA tests. It’s enough that you send your sample as well as samples from the kids (swab or hair). It’s not legally binding but will give you an answer that you can evaluate your options from.

See? You analyze the problem, look for options and then you implement. Sometime later you get an answer that might end the problem, but it might open new problems. But you act. You don’t stew in the problem.

SWAT – IMHO the BIGGEST issue after d-day is making sure the affair is over.
It’s really an exception where and when a WW says she has ended an affair and it’s really over.
Is there ANY communications between them? Can your WW assure you there is no communication?
Working on R while the affair is ongoing – even if it’s an occasional peek at OM Facebook page – that’s like spicing your coffee at an AA meeting. It’s not going to work.

So I suggest you totally focus on making sure the affair is over. Right now that task is the guy pointing the gun in your direction. Other issues (why, has she cheated before and so on)… they are there but right now do not have the same importance or value as simply getting assurance the affair is over.

SWAT – if you want me to watch over your shoulder then don’t hesitate to reply. I hope I have given you some hints on how to progress and how to move on; evaluate your issues and focus on those that really matter. Act rather than react and then react on the actions you take.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 31st (Monday)

SWAT so many things about your WW don't sit right with me.
I don't believe most of what she said. I can't imagine someone telling me that my husband was cheating with his partner, and my response being A)not to immediately confront, and B)to almost immediately have an affair with the messenger? Really out of the realm of normal reactions of a supposedly betrayed wife.

Also, her not telling you they had a history together, is a lie of omission imo. Even without cheating, I would feel kind of betrayed to find out my husband had had a relationship or history with someone in our circle and did not tell me about it. Probably not a deal breaker on a marriage, but sneaky at the very least.

Her comments to you about thinking you were too good for her really struck me too. My ws has said similar things to me, and my reaction has been that I've felt strangely insulted by it and the first thing I think is "excuse". As someone else said, it's a backhanded compliment intended to blameshift. WH has also said things like "I'll probably be the one to mess up our relationship because I have so many issues". Again - excuse, blameshifting, ego (like his problems are soooo much worse than mine or anyone else's) and pity seeking.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Great post from Bigger. His account of finding his girlfriend in bed with another guy is disturbing and I hope your wife's adultery is limited to the one guy, and there hasn't been a pattern similar to that described by Bigger.

You need to probe and investigate; have their been other physical encounters? Has she regularly cheated?

As I mentioned before she is fighting for her marriage and her children's stability; don't expect her to be truthful as to why she betrayed you.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 31st (Monday)

When it rains it pours. This morning a former classmate of mine and a LEO in upstate New York was shot and killed in LOD.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 31st (Monday)

My condolences. LODD's are always traumatic. I will say prayers for the family.

How are you?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 31st (Monday)

I'm doing alright. I went to school with him, he was a couple of years behind me and stayed local. I know several officers he worked with and LODD are always hard to deal with. I have no idea how to link anything on internet, I'm very IT deficient. The story is posted on Officer.com. It seems he never had a chance. I played HS football with his cousin. Small world we live in.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 31st (Monday)

I'll be heading home tonight and staying at my house. The academy has postponded the class I was suppossed to teach due to the shooting. Sevreal of the DT instructors are also members of the regional Critical Incident Managment team. This is the first LODD from an assualt on an officer for that agency.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, March 31st (Monday)

((((SWAT70))))

Sending you strength and peace.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

How are you doing today brother? I hope last night went well.

sending strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

SWAT70)))

Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

SWAT,
So sorry for your loss. I just read your story & it has several similarities to my WW's A. She also suffers from depression and was pursued by a family friend who had a track record of doing similar things with other women. I can't provide much advice as to how you should proceed with your WW but I can give you one piece of advice. If I were you, I would begin a campaign of exposing the OM to the world. Starting tomorrow! This man is no man at all and deserves more than he will ever get. I would think that you could have him fired from his job with your evidence. I wouldn't hesitate for a millisecond. I exposed the OM in my case and found out he lost his job. I exposed him to the world and brought him to his knees. So much so that he finally called me sobbing and apologizing profusely and begging me to stop. One good way to expose is on Facebook. That was a huge success for me and with the push of a button 400 of his friends and relatives knew exactly what type of person he really was. Good luck brother!

Posts: 259 | Registered: Oct 2013
guiltyone
Member
Member # 30907
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Playing Devil's advocate-

Are you sure those printouts were not fakes? Anybody can type something fake and print it.

And I don't believe this whole story she is portraying.

No matter how much you WANT to believe it.

1. She didn't reveal that she dated OM when she was young AFTER she already got caught.

2. The whole story about she thought you were cheating and it was only a revenge affair does not jibe. She wanted to do it- no matter what the back reasons are. Anybody who has an affair wanted to do it at the time.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

First. I would like to thank everyone for their well wishes and support. LODD in law enforcement are tough to deal with especially when it is your agency or someone you know.

I returned home last night and got to see my children. My oldest (DD) would not go to bed. She spent the night with me in the guest suite. My boys are to young to understand but were happy to see me. My youngest just said "Daddy your home". I cried like a baby.

Just a couple of days away from them was excruciating. WW meet me with a hug and told me "Your dress uniform and medals are ready and I polished your shoes." I never asked her to do that, but she did. I know it is a small thing but to me it means a lot.

I put my two kids on the bus this morning and had a conversation with WW. I pointed out some of the questions you all had and how what she was telling me did not make sense and I was having a difficult time believing her.

WW took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. She said her and OM went on less than ten dates and had barely started a sexual relationship. WW said they had "made out" and had sex one time before I returned home. WW stated OM was very aggressive and seemed to like "causing her discomfort and some pain". She did not like this at the time and ended it with OM. Less than a week later I asked her out and the rest is history. WW said that at he time she was so happy that I seemed to want her and I treated her so well. WW stated that over time she began to feel like she did not deserve being treated well. She could not pin point exactly what made her feel this way but said it happened after our second child was born. WW said the feeling kept getting worse and then she got pregnant again with our third child. While he is loved and a blessing, he was not planned. I was supposed to get some...ah hum surgery, but there was a family planning accident and you all can guess. WW had not gotten back her figure and this may have added to her depression.

Fast forward to affair time. WW was angry and depressed. When OM played his little game she did not really fight it to hard. WW admitted she was curious and felt she wanted to be "punished" so OM was the logical choice on her mind. WW said while she regrets what happened she can not blame anyone but herself. WW said she was upset with me over the extra OT and me spending most of my free time with the family and not her. I took exception to this as she is the one always asking it there was OT for me to work. (Just like everyone else money is tight) Cops don't do the job to get rich. WW said she knew that and in her mind understood it, but still resented it. WW said the affair ended the day I was hospitalized. I believe her since the text messages and emails I read back this up. WW admitted she went to OM voluntarily and feels she deserves my anger. WW asked me to forgive her and wanted to know if we could ever possibly stay married. I told her I did forgive her but I just didn't know if I could get past the cheating. WW told me she has sent OM a NC letter, which she sent without me asking and showed me a copy of the letter. No feeling or sappy words. Just "You where once a friend of my family and deaf husband. You made it possible to destroy the best thing that ever happened to me, my marriage to the best man I ever knew. I will never speak to you again do not contact me in anyway. Any further contact from you will result in me contacting the police." I have to say I ...


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Sorry....I seem to write novels for every post.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

While home we are still not sleeping together. I am still in the guest suite. The three munchkins watched "Frozen" with me and fell asleep on the bed. Not much room for me.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Glad to see you wife is showing remorse and is displaying the right attitude for reconciliation. Concentrate on your kids for the time being and stay in the guest suite for a while. Your wife shouldn't get away with treating this as just casual sex; she betrayed the intimacy of marriage and freely chased down the OM and gave away what should have been exclusively yours. If you just resume marriage sex then she never will learn the lesson on what being a soulmate really means and how utterly she has disrespected you.

I have listened to quite a few women who have committed adultery and the common theme is once they get the BH back in bed with them forgiveness will quickly follow. Rather cynical exploitation of male sexual desire. Its not that easy to heal these wounds and most BS's never forget. Ever.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Continuing along with OK now's post,

WW stated that over time she began to feel like she did not deserve being treated well.

Let's see... where have I heard this before....Oh yeah, my WW! I think most of us guys here that have caught our wives eventually get to this part of the story. I did because of a "bad" childhood, or " I didn't deserve to be loved by a good guy...".
Frankly, the " I'm not worthy, so I cheated" story begins to grate my cheese after awhile. Now you're hearing that "you worked too hard and long to make extra money, so I cheated" on top of that?
OK, fair warning, this is on of those hot buttons that sets me off even now. Can this marriage be saved? Probably. I'm just giving prejudicial advice to not be too quick and willing to buy into some of these reasons as being causes, as much as they're rationalizations in her own mind. That does not do you any good in the long run. Exploring the "why" will always be the 400 lb gorilla in the room.

Good luck, Brother. You're gonna make it.

[This message edited by twisted at 8:31 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

SWAT,
Early on in my LEO career an old vet pointed out that it was an extremely rare case where someone admitted with total honesty and no excuse that what they had done was wrong. He was totally 100% right. Burglars – when caught – would tell you they HAD to steal, they had to feed their families and that since everybody is insured then there was really no harm in what they did. Wife abusers would try to convince us that she made them do it. That her behavior left them no other option. Rapists would say she wanted it. Assailants claim the other man was asking for it. The other car was driving too slowly so he HAD to speed way past the limit to get past and away…
The list goes on and on.

Your wife (and in a sense you too) are falling into that trap.
Your wife is finding all sorts of reasons for why she “had” to have that affair.
You are finding all sorts of reasons to explain why she had the affair.

Simple fact is that she cheated. Simple fact is that even when you take all the factors into considerations then at the end of the day it was SHE and SHE ALONE that decided to take this relationship with OM one step further than she should have. Everything and anything she tells you now… it’s irrelevant. The explanations, excuses and so on… they don’t matter right now. They are simply the burglar pushing the responsibility on to the insurance company.

What you need to hear from her soon (as in the next 3 months or so) is a complete and unlimited apology. Total remorse.
Personally I don’t think WS are capable of total remorse until a bit into recovery. To show total remorse you need to grasp the total damage you caused and right now your WW isn’t really capable of that. She might realize what she risked but she does not realize the damage.

The reasons and why’s do matter. In order to prevent another affair your wife needs to realize what made her reach the conscious and deliberate conclusion that she was entitled to an affair. So on your path to reconciliation (if that is the path you decide to go) then one of the many milestones is for her to realize what’s wrong. Yes – she should share it with you but she needs to find out the why with IC help and not (necessarily) yours.

For the sake of argument then let’s assume the affair is over. Let’s assume she’s being honest when she tells you she isn’t contacting OM at the moment.

Once again I’m going to suggest you fall back on your training:
Remaining in the present situation isn’t really an option.
Way too often you hear here on SI the suggestion not to do anything right away after d-day.
Well – I totally disagree. I think you need to do something after d-day because otherwise you are doomed to remain in pain. I would rather suggest you look at the options you have in front of you and start following through on the one that seems the best for you and the one that causes the least permanent damage. For example; if you feel the affair is a total and unequivocal deal-breaker then start thinking of how to separate. Start wearing the idea; start thinking of how to separate assets, debts, custody… There is so much that needs to be done before you would actually implement a divorce or separation.

If however you are not sure… well… then start implementing the tools you need to recover. Chances are your department offers IC and MC. Look into that. DO NOT be too proud to get help. Like I have told you then the departments realize what an asset an experience officer is and they do offer this help for a reason.

List your major issues. I took paternity as an example. Take them one at a time and decide how to handle them.

SWAT – take time to think of yourself. After my d-day I added to my jogging, to my weights, to my cross country… I got into the best shape I ever was in. I exercised because I realized it handled my stress and helped me sleep.
Make sure you eat. Healthy is better but not an issue. I realized that I hadn’t had anything to eat about 36 hours after d-day and when I tried I could hardly keep anything down. So I went and got two milk-shakes and a burger. Eat by the clock if you need to: it’s noon so have some food.

It’s OK to relax. It’s OK to enjoy being round your kids. You are dealing with something that’s going to take months and years to recover from. You have to pace yourself and work really really hard to move out of this.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

You have to wrap your head around the fact that everyday husbands throughout the world mightily piss off their wives. However the vast majority of those women get over it and see their complaints in a proper context; just a problem that will pass. The idea of cheating on my husband because he recently had to go on three consecutive business trips is ludicrous.

However a tiny few, your wife included, go out and give themselves to another man; the whole works, oral and penetrative sex. The excuses are pathetic; BH working too hard, a little too controlling, didn't think you cared, not helping around the house etc. etc. they are reasons given to disguise the real reason; they saw an opportunity for intense excitement and romantic and sexual fantasy. Power, being desired, self-importance and being treated as very special by a fawning OM, all figure into the equation.

The affair is discovered. Damn! Now we have the pitiful explanations, writing NC's and promises not to do it again; all in an effort to save their precious marriages. The lot of the BS is to put up with this crap.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

WW took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. She said her and OM went on less than ten dates and had barely started a sexual relationship. WW said they had "made out" and had sex one time before I returned home. WW stated OM was very aggressive and seemed to like "causing her discomfort and some pain". She did not like this at the time and ended it with OM. Less than a week later I asked her out and the rest is history. WW said that at he time she was so happy that I seemed to want her and I treated her so well. WW stated that over time she began to feel like she did not deserve being treated well. She could not pin point exactly what made her feel this way but said it happened after our second child was born. WW said the feeling kept getting worse and then she got pregnant again with our third child. While he is loved and a blessing, he was not planned. I was supposed to get some...ah hum surgery, but there was a family planning accident and you all can guess. WW had not gotten back her figure and this may have added to her depression.

Fast forward to affair time. WW was angry and depressed. When OM played his little game she did not really fight it to hard. WW admitted she was curious and felt she wanted to be "punished" so OM was the logical choice on her mind. WW said while she regrets what happened she can not blame anyone but herself. WW said she was upset with me over the extra OT and me spending most of my free time with the family and not her. I took exception to this as she is the one always asking it there was OT for me to work. (Just like everyone else money is tight) Cops don't do the job to get rich. WW said she knew that and in her mind understood it, but still resented it. WW said the affair ended the day I was hospitalized. I believe her since the text messages and emails I read back this up. WW admitted she went to OM voluntarily and feels she deserves my anger. WW asked me to forgive her and wanted to know if we could ever possibly stay married. I told her I did forgive her but I just didn't know if I could get past the cheating. WW told me she has sent OM a NC letter, which she sent without me asking and showed me a copy of the letter. No feeling or sappy words. Just "You where once a friend of my family and deaf husband. You made it possible to destroy the best thing that ever happened to me, my marriage to the best man I ever knew. I will never speak to you again do not contact me in anyway. Any further contact from you will result in me contacting the police." I have to say I ...

Your wife minimized her relationship with OM. You have known her for this long and never knew she had a relationship with this guy. Her first statements to you about the 'revenge affair' are contradicted in what she says here.

Her NC letter was good, glad she kept a copy for you to read because it made you feel so good (her intent). Are you sure she sent it?


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

What OK now said prior to this post is spot on to how I feel..
Accomplishing R that is healthy for both of you is very difficult..
You will have massive resentment towards your WW to deal with and overcome..How are you gonna know her true motives..Does she want R because she is afraid to give up stability and the comforts of home? All questions that need honest answers..
For some the resentment in the affair aftermath is a deal breaker..Especially if one has had a difficult marriage prior to D day happening..
Do lots of soul searching, talk to a GOOD counselor or impartial friend..Don't be surprised is you find that blood is thicker than water as time goes on..
Sending you strength...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Bigger, I got the same speech eons ago when I was a rookie as well. I have since relayed the same information as well. maybe with a little more colorful language. I also always likes the saying there are three sides to every story, he said, she said and the truth

I agree with everyone who says WW is lying about this, she choose to do this and use the excuse that she believed him. I told her that is not true, she wanted to F him and she did. Of course she originally tried to deny it. But when confronted with the fact she never told me she had a prior relationship with someone who was one of my best friends. I am hurt and angry at WW, what she did, what she has done to my plans, what she has done to our family. WW says she understands and wants to do what ever she can to fix this.

WW has her entire family, while they do love me and support me they are her family first, I'm the interloper there. I have no brothers or sisters, parents and grandparents are gone. Aunts, uncles and cousins are hours away. I do speak with IC through EAP and it helps. IC has asked me if I want to stay in the marriage for love or am I afraid the be alone at this point in my life. The sad part is, I'm not sure. I do love my WW and my family, but she has done something that is the polar opposite of my beliefs and character. I've made mistakes in my marriage, I've screwed up a bunch of times. When I noticed she was depressed some times, I should have pushed harder to find out the problems. When she would ignore me, I should have tried harder to get her to talk. I know the affair isn't my fault. She choose to do this, I had no part in her decision.

I never intentionally hurt my wife and was always faithful. I waited a long time to get married, I wanted to do it right. I tried to be the best husband I could be, to bad it wasn't enough for WW.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I just realized something, part of my problem is I have no control. I've always had control. Dealing with people on the street, I take control. I had not control of what WW did, and maybe I just don't know how to deal with that.
I'm not a control freak by any means, I'm just saying I can usually control what is going on around me and in my life. I've done what I can to take care of myself, I'm eating alright and working out like a maniac. Lost some weight, didn't have a whole lot to lose, but hey it happens and now I fit in all of my older clothes and uniforms.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
LineInTheSand
Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I just realized something, part of my problem is I have no control. I've always had control.

We "thought" we had control until we realized we never really had it. I, too, thought I had control until D-day opened my eyes. I then realized that we don't truly have control over anyone's actions. If they want to up and leave, they can. It's quite eye-opening to say the least.

Sorry that you're here, Swat. This site is a godsend! Keep coming back here for support.

(((HUG)))


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I told her that is not true, she wanted to F him and she did.

Chances are that‘s not correct.
As a rule affairs tend to be about power and validation. For men getting a woman to accept sex tends to be the affirmation of power. For a woman sex tends to be the price for the validation the man offers in exchange for sex.
Sort of “I must be hot because he’s offering me all this attention. That attention feels good… I want more of that… Oh No! He’s losing interest… Better offer some sex…”

And about control… You have more control than you think buddy.
If nothing else then grasp the issues you can control the impact on and act on them.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Bigger, I understand what you are saying. I guess what I meant to say was, she didn't want MY attention or interest anymore. WW wanted his so she went for it.

I'm working on me and spending as much time as I can with my kids right now, that I can control. I want to thank you, you've pointed out something to me. I'm being too trusting of WW, I'm believing what she says. I do think she is remorseful, I do believe she loves me. While her actions showed she was selfish and wanted to hurt me. I'm a "fixer", I want to fix this and it is causing me to accept things that can't be proved yet. Another thing that goes against my nature.

I guess I'll just have to see what the next several months bring and how she acts. WW did start IC, I'm not sure if I mentioned that before. I guess only time will tell whether or not this can be salvaged.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

The reason your WW is coming up with these varied excuses about why she decided to cheat is to avoid the bald and naked truth. She did it because she wanted to. Little to do with you, except for not respecting you and taking you for granted; more a case of wanting an affair for the sheer attention and excitement. The validation turned her on. Desired and f*cked by two men.

If she was honest and told you this, then from her perspective you would never trust her again. What about the next guy and his sweet, tempting validation? Also if she capriciously acts on her desires why can't you?

Hence her refusal to tell you she cheated because she felt like it. She must trot out an excuse[s] to avoid the horrifying conclusion, that she is a wife that can never be trusted because she screws guys she fancies and therefore she can't complain if you do likewise. Loyal, faithful soul mates don't coldly and casually f*ck other men because they just plain want to. She needs to project an image of a caring, family oriented wife and will fabricate any excuse that fits that image.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I guess what I meant to say was, she didn't want MY attention or interest anymore

Disagree. Your attention and interest were taken for granted. No longer had any value to her. Up to her to determine why that is.

I do think she is remorseful, I do believe she loves me.

Remorse can only be shown through time and actions. My FWW gave me the *snot bubbling, mascara running "I'm sorries"* immediately after D-Day. True remorse, 8 months later.

Did you go to a debriefing? Little concerned for you.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I'm actually doing alright. I saw IC today and we talked about everything under the sun. I kinda feel like she's the rock star of IC.

I had written a fairly lengthy post, go figure. I erased it because I can sum up how I feel right now in one sentence. "I really don't give a flying f@ck right now." WW can go f@ck off right now.

I guess I'm and angry elf this very early morning. But will probably change my mind two hours from now. I apologize to everyone for being all I've the place. Hopefully I can really stick to the 180, while teaching the next couple of weeks. I'll be a few hours away so no commute. My plane is to face time with the kids and try to stick with the 180 with WW.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

The 180 is not as easy as it sounds. I look at my wife and see the woman I fell in love with. But that woman would not have done this, right? What did WW do with the woman I fell in love with?


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

She lost sight of her, and you and her family.
I hope she can find herself soon before she actually loses you for good.

Keep strong

(((Hugs)))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
ExpatSouth
New Member
Member # 40594
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Never apologize about being all over the place emotionally at this point. This is still too raw, and the mind racing at 150MPH is completely normal.

The 180 can be a challenge, but stick to it. It will help keep you grounded. It was a source of freedom for me.


Me: 54
WW: 48
Married: 27 years
Kids: 2 Ds, grown.
D-Day : 31 AUG 2013
Divorced: Feb 2014
WS refused MC, wanted divorce. On D-day, WS was loving, kind, warm, cozy in bed-3 hrs before being confronted and telling me she's movi

Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Just to add a couple of things.

Your statement that your WW wanted to f... the OM, so she did---is in my opinion, correct.

Bigger's statement that she didn't necessarily want to f... him, but sought out the validation, in my opinion, is also correct.

The truth is, she sought attention, and KNEW that sex was a very high possibility...and yet still pursued such. Only your WW can really answer if she pursued the sex, or just the validation.

I look at my wife and see the woman I fell in love with. But that woman would not have done this, right? What did WW do with the woman I fell in love with?

This is the tough part to accept: no matter how much pain that we have incurred, we as betrayed spouses do not understand how much they have betrayed themselves.

Think about it---she debased herself for someone else. How will she ever explain that to her children? How could she have gone so low, that she was to damage her soul? She doesn't get a do-over; she has to go on, and try to be the best person that she can be. But no matter how well she adjusts in the future, this dark time will always be a part of her life--a dirty fling that compromised everything that was good in her life. That is a heavy burden to wear.

By no means am I sympathizing with your WW. I am just reminding you to look at her this way, when you know that she is trying hard to better herself.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

SWAT,

I am very goal oriented. See my tagline? I truly believe in it;
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

OK – So you didn’t chose to have your WW have an affair. I get that. You don’t chose to be all mixed up about it. I also get that. But in my life – when I encounter traumatic moments – I tend to evaluate my options, decide and implement. I’m totally unafraid to reevaluate and change my decision, but I try to keep on a steady, constant path out of the shithole I have been dropped in.

It’s sort of like if you imagine being on a boat that sinks in the middle of a large lake. You can tread water and drown or you can swim east because you evaluate that’s the shortest route to land. Swimming half a mile east, then one mile west, then one mile east… that’s not going to get you anywhere positive. It’s OK to head north because you see a reef that’s closer than shore. It’s OK to stop swimming to rest for a minute. But you constantly evaluate, decide and implement.

I also think we know when a marriage is over. I think one experiences a feeling of acceptance. Frankly I’m not sure you are there yet…
So my advice is going to be based on how to reconcile with your wife…

About your wife… I’ve referred a bit to our LEO training and background. Like me you must have arrested a bunch of people. You know you have basically two groups; the group that doesn’t give a shit, are totally unafraid, feel no remorse or shame… and then the group of frightened, ashamed people. As a rule you see the former several times over the years, the later tend to be one-time criminals.
And you tend to treat these people in as neutral and professional way as you can. It’s not our job to judge or carry out punishment so you listen to their excuses, gather their stories and do the report. So even if I do have a feeling OM saw a weakness and pursued it then I am not in any way diminishing the simple fact she had an affair.

I see most WS in the latter group. That’s where I would place your wife; a one-time criminal who might learn from this experience and change her ways. Granted if your examination of your children’s paternity shows differently I would change my mind but based on what you have posted so far I think this is a one off event.

The 180 is a mantra here on SI and it’s an extremely good and useful tool.
But…
It’s not necessarily the best tool if you have a spouse that wants to reconcile…

So I’m going to suggest you use parts of it but do some other things that are not necessarily in line with the 180…

OK – First of all. I’m all for mission statements. I believe in the spoken word and in clear and direct commands. I think it’s to everyone’s benefit that the goal is clear. So I would start by letting your wife know that she is totally free to do whatever she wants… but not as your wife.
So if she wants “freedom”, external validation, unlimited sex-life, more exciting dates, taller guys, and shorter guys… whatever… then she is totally free to go out and do whatever she wants. But if she is going to do ANYTHING that is outside the perceived definition of “marriage”… then by doing any of those things she’s telling you she does not want to be married.
You also tell her that until and unless she clearly tells you she wants the marriage then you simply assume she doesn’t want the marriage and will behave accordingly.
No threats, no screaming. No talk about throwing her out or not being able to afford divorce. It’s really simple: if she isn’t willing to accept with a free will to be in a marriage the only logical option left is ending the marriage. How to do that is simply a task.

BUT… IF she tells you she wants the marriage…. Then you two have to decide the next steps.
It’s OK for you to tell her that you are having a hard time accepting reconciliation. It’s OK to tell her that this will take months or even years. It’s OK to tell her that you are totally messed up about feeling desire, wanting solace and seeking warmth and support from the very person that placed you in this emotional hell-hole.

You two then discuss HOW you can progress. Some suggestions:
How can she assure you and show you with actions that it’s over. How can she be accountable?
Both commit to IC
MC with an MC that has experience with infidelity and is pro-marriage.
Total honesty. Find a way to communicate without anger and repercussion where she can tell you all you need to know.
Talk about how it’s OK to feel anger and sadness towards each other.
Date nights? IF she commits to the marriage then consider creating days or evenings where you two spend time together with no reference to the infidelity. It will feel strained at first and it does not have to be the classic dinner and a movie. Just time you two spend in each other’s company doing something other than talk and think about the affair.


SWAT – Trying to reestablish love and a relationship with your wife is not a sign of weakness. Nor is it a sign of condoning the affair. No matter how your relationship develops it’s more or less inevitable that the affair will always be seen in a negative light. But IMHO the most common way of “recovery” from infidelity is also the absolute worst form of recovery: That’s where the issues are ignored and after a couple of weeks of sleeping on the couch the couple find a way to coexist WITHOUT dealing with the issues. Please don’t fall into that trap.



"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I know what you mean about the no control thing..

You hit the nail squarely on the head..No one has control over whether or not a person near and dear to him her is gonna make the choice to lie/cheat..

It sucks to be the person who is suffering the loss ..After some sympathy is expressed, the people who aren't our true friends avoid us like the plague.

These superficial people tend to treat us like we are contagious..The reason why is because they have a fear of being triggered into sadness.. They don't want to be reminded that someday they will go thru a tough time of some sort..NO ONE has complete control over when bad things will happen to him or her...

Infidelity is one of those extremely traumatic life changing events that we have no control over..

We don't have control over how another person chooses to cope with life...

Influence maybe, control no.....

Some people cope with life by overworking, overeating, drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs, having affairs..

IMHO all we can do is trust ourselves in how we will react to the evil stuff that the world dishes out to us.....We can learn to enjoy our own company... Cultivate the ability and desire to make new friends as often as we want..Enjoying our own company and our friends company won't make us immune from any evil that comes our way, but it sure serves as a good buffer..

Focus on who you were before you assumed the role of husband..Was there a part of yourself that you were asked to sacrifice in order to make your marriage smooth sailing ? For instance did you give up touring in a band, or training for olympic swimming? Maybe it is time to pick up some of the things you used to like doing but gave up...

Having your own life in art, music or athletics is a solace in distraction whenever you need it..


A good way to cope and to survive the bad things that we have no control over is to reach out.. Reaching out to others will help us to learn or relearn the things that we need to know to heal and thrive..

I am glad that you are reaching out to us.....

Putting the focus on you and your healing will serve you well whether R or D..

You don't have to make any commitments to stay M or to D at this point unless you feel that you are ready to..

As long as you are PROTECTED legally and financially, you may have the luxury of letting time unfold to give you greater clarity into your own feelings and your wife's behavior (remorse, truthfulness) over the long term..

If your wife is remorseful she won't demand any commitment from you to stay or go .. She will understand and accept being in limbo for the foreseeable future.. She will patiently wait for you to move forward in one way or another..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:04 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

^^^what Bigger said.
I should read Bigger weekly, like a refresher course.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Swat

Bigger is right on the money.

But I will reiterate one crucial pint.

Your wife needs a good shrink.

She lied.
She cheated.
And she lied before she married you.....
Think about that.

And while I am pro reconciliation it was right of you to give her Divorce papers.

She needed the wakeup call those papers bring.

I tried to be the best husband I could be, to bad it wasn't enough for WW.

Your emotions are all over the place and you know it. This is normal.

When your emotions calm down you are going to realize something very important.

Your wife's infidelity is no reflection on you as a man or husband.

She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to believe the words of a liar.

That is telling. It tells you what kind of person she really is. And it kills you because you love and trusted her.

But maybe, just maybe she truly wants to be the woman you thought she was.

So Swat man how much do you love her?

Do you love her enough to hold her feet to the fire? To have her prove just how much she loves you and your family?

Do you love her enough to give her the time to figure out who she is and why she made such crappy decisions?

Think about it. Time is on your side.

Keep fighting the good fight my friend. You are in good hands here.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 4th (Friday)

It is a healthy human response to step back and distance ourselves from those who have hurt us..

A betrayal of the magnitude of adultery calls for cutting the adulterer out of your life....Society in general and all of the major religions stand behind this..

You don't have to carry on with married life or family life as if nothing happened if you decide to give your WW time to figure things out..

Trying to pretend for your family and friends that everything is okay in the M is like trying to do a marathon or walkathon on a newly fractured leg..

It might be better for these people to know that you have an event in your life that is causing you to limp or struggle for the time being..

Your WW knew what she stood to lose when she made her decisions to cheat..

Don't accept anything less than undying gratitude from your WW for the very fact that you are even speaking to her..

ANY impatience or arrogance on your WW's part for the way you are processing things is inappropriate..

You are the one who gets to decide if there is an R..You are also the one who gets to decide what R looks like..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:14 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 4th (Friday)

I had more I was going to say, but Bigger got that covered.

I will add this, talk is cheap. She is saying a lot of things right now, but you have to look at what she says in the context of what she does.

Your background gives you a solid foundation with this part.

Control in the cotnext of infidelity is a really odd thing. One thing that got pointed out to me early on in this ride was that any control I thought I may have had over my W wasn't really there to be gin with. IF she wants to do X, y or Z she will.

Bigger's comment is spot on with the "free will" comments. If she works on the M because it is what she thinks she ought to do, it won't last. Either of you can leave the M at any time, really for any reason. What she needs to focus on is, why would you want to stay ?

Lying is something that can be changed. Not communicating is something that can be fixed and being immature in dealing with adult emotions can also be addressed. However if all of these things are done to "just stay married," that is a weak foundation to build Reconciliation on.

Remorse and forgiveness are things that are a lot more complex and a lot more varied that most people will admit. You can't think of them as either black or white. They take many forms and once you see a newer version of it, you realize what you saw before wasn't real "remorse."

So just to illustrate the paternity example cited above:

Your W with regret would say, " Yes you can check. I have nothing to hide."

Your W with deep and true remorse would say," Based on my actions, I understand why that concerns you. I know for a fact that they are all your children. However, if this is something you are worried about, I will get a kit and let you collect and submit the samples. I don't want you to be concerned about this anymore and I am sorry my actions have destroyed your trust in me."

Regret is passive. Remorse is very active and takes into account your feeling.

Take care man. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 10:56 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 4th (Friday)

It’s not necessarily the best tool if you have a spouse that wants to reconcile…

So I’m going to suggest you use parts of it but do some other things that are not necessarily in line with the 180…

I just want to highlight this part of bigger's post. I believe this to be extremely true.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 416 | Registered: Dec 2013
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 4th (Friday)

SWAT, what I feel from your WW actions and responses is one of playing that damsel in distress routine. As a female I abhor that act, and it's prevalent amongst OW who cheat with married men, so I am coming at it from that perspective. My ex WH OW played this. Either nothing was ever her fault, or she had an excuse based on some sort of pseudo angst which was never based on really anything. I have found there are usually two main types of female personality who play the OW/AP woman type of game ...1)the wanna-be-damsel-in-distress and 2) what we very inelegantly refer to as attention-whore. I feel your wife is playing the former.

Your wife's pseudo angst is based on what - you working too hard, she somehow conjured up that she had lost you, you're too good, this guy came on to her, she deserved to be hurt. None of these are reasons, they are excuses taken from the damsel in distress handbook.

As women, I hate to say it but any of us with even minimal attractiveness get hit on occasionally, married or not, and have and will our whole lives. Your wife being attractive as you say she is, she would be used to this and used to averting it and turning it down. My little teen daughter already knows how to say "eff off" to men, and the more assertive they are the stronger she says "eff off" just like it's a reflex. So I find little excuse for grown women who act like some big bad man took advantage of their weak little selves. (not saying he's not bad, he sounds like a real jerk)

Anyway, I can't help throwing this out there so you can be aware that this is a common game play. Now, that does not mean women have to act tough or anything, we can be completely feminine and soft and love to depend on our men. But that's different than jerking men's protective instincts and pride around by acting helpless.

Whenever she tries to pull that on you, divert it back to her and don't fall for it. You can't have a woman or trust a woman who creates weakness in herself and tries to use it as some sort of weapon. She better get strong or get packing. I mean that's what I think but you don't have to listen to me.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 4th (Friday)

Don't really want to talk about the WW today. I watched a "brother" be buried today. 43 years of age and he left a wife and 11 year old son. My prayers and thoughts are with his family today.

OM was sighted today walking in the procession wearing a suit and tie. OM was officially terminated on Wednesday. Maybe I'm getting a little better. I saw OM and felt nothing. I just wanted to pay my respect for the fallen officer. When it comes down to it, OM showed some class today and did what I would have expected of him for several years. Today he was a good human being.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, April 4th (Friday)

Praying...
The world is a better place because of awesome people like you and him! I am so thankful for what police officers do to save and protect our lives/communities and ensure that we are safe...

((((SWAT))))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:54 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

A good day to put all of our problems on hold to pay respect where's it due. My condolences to all that called him friend and family.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

@outofthedeep:
Thanks for an interesting perspective about reasonably attractive women being hit on all the time. I had never actually though about that until now. I find that a bit of a revelation, as I will usually notice most women and find something attractive about them, but it never occurs to me approach them in a sexual way , but I have a friend that will try to turn every encounter into something suggestive.

Maybe a new thread


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

Well I got home this morning , slight hangover. Seems WW is a little angry with me this morning. My children were very happy to see me, but WW just stood on the porch. DD asked to take her shopping. The boys want to go to the park. Told them to give me a minute and took my luggage inside. WW followed me to my room and asked me why I didn't come home last night. My only reply was that she knew why. LODD are rough and funerals of fallen police officers are important and very emotional. Sometimes there is excessive drinking so I stayed in a hotel since I would not drive dunk and it was three hours away. I told WW she knew this. It was in my message to her before I left. Apparently she feels I should have been home. She needed to be reassured I was alright and wanted to be with our family. Got me thinking about me in a hospital cut all to hell and having to be rushed into emergency surgery. WW couldn't be found and no one knew where to find her, she wasn't to concerned about our family then.

I guess just spending some time away from WW shows me how she really thinks and acts. Prior to me leaving for the funeral, she was helpful and made sure everything I needed was ready. Being in the guest suite has kept us separated for the most part. I've been trying to keep conversations about the household and kids not us. So now that I am back and did not talk with WW for two whole days, she is pouting. This seems to have upset WW and I have actually been listening to what she is saying and not allowing my feelings or perceptions to cloud the conversation. Not so sure I like what I am hearing.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

Oh hell no. WW just told me OM called her last night and he wanted her to know I was "drunk and all over tons of women." WW says she did not answer the phone and he left a message. Sure as shit. I just listened to it. WW asked what she should do. My reply was this is your mess. You fix it. I set down my digital camera which also has videos. I said this is what happened yesterday and last night, look at it watch all the videos. That is what I was doing yesterday.

Why does she wait until I'm ready to leave with the kids to say this? Why didn't she tell me right away and call the police? After all that is what she said she would do in her NC letter. I just don't think she gets it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Don't want my kids to see me upset. Looks like I was wrong again OM is still a POS.

[This message edited by SWAT70 at 9:30 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

Your wife could be very concerned you will now have a revenge affair or just leave her.

This OM calling is a real problem. After everything that has happened, he still does this crap. I guess he doesn't know when in the hell to stop.

You probably know better than most what the next best step is, but I guess some legal steps against this OM, a restraining order for one thing.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, April 5th (Saturday)

Something of a problem. As long as the OM is hanging around contacting your wife then there is a real possibility of the affair reigniting. Eventually your wife will get angry because you are 'not back to normal' and fawning all over her. The temptation to meet the OM will now turn into justification; after all you are not getting over her adultery as fast as she would like, so she has a right to seek solace and comfort with her former lover and friend.

Your wife is a little selfish and doesn't understand what she has done. She has destroyed the intimacy and romance in the marriage for years to come but she just isn't going to accept this. She won't acknowledge the necessary hard work and pain that reconciliation entails. Your WW wants relatively instant healing and if you don't deliver maybe the OM has an opportunity to get further revenge.

This is quite a common issue in marriages tainted with adultery. The problem of the impatient WS.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Swat,

Bro, I was not going to comment yesterday. POS showing up to MARCH? Holy Shit!!! I would have bitch slapped his ass back into the dark corner where he belonged. You realize that had things turned out differently for you he would have marched for you?

WW just told me OM called her last night and he wanted her to know I was "drunk and all over tons of women."

Be interesting to see if she follows through. TBH, I don't know whether or not she's too scared to do it or trying to keep plan B viable.

Do your brothers(force) know what he's doing now?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

5454, Just about everyone does know. To be honest that's kind of embarrassing. Came home to find the WW did call and filed a complaint against OM.

Well when I saw him yesterday I was in formation with our honor guard. Surprisingly I was shocked but not upset he was there. We had been to other LEO funerals together and it was within the state we live in so I guess way deep down I knew he could be there.

While I as with the kids, my DD asked me why mommy was so sad. Apparently WW has been really upset about this. DD says mommy has been crying a lot and saying she was sorry to the kids. DD said she asked mommy why she was sorry. WW told her for hurting your daddy.

My MIL called and asked how I was doing. MIL is very upset over the situation and asked me if I could ever forgive WW. I told her I've probably already forgiven her. I just don't know if I will be able to stay with WW. MIL said she understood and hoped I was taking care of myself. According to MIL I seem to be very calm about this mess and she is afraid I'm bottling everything up inside. I told her I've seen an IC and I'll continue to see her for sometime.

I've gotten a couple of emails and text messages from WW asking to have a talk with me. She says she has a lot to talk about but knows I'm avoiding her for my own well being. WW says she understand that I need my time and space, but just wanted me to know some things that may have a bearing on my decisions. When I read those I felt like I had been punched in the gut. What if there is more? I'm going to talk to her later. This maybe the end of us I just don't know.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Your children are 3 and 6. She needs to pull her shit together. Im guessing she knew there was a chance your DD would tell you she was crying and shit and it would get back to you.

This is manipulation..and she is using your child.

And if it's not manipulation? Then it's just a shitty thing to do to those kids. Mommy is crying..she is sad..she hurt daddy..daddy didn't come home one night..kids get scared and confused.

No.

It's ok to cry in front of your children. But what she is doing is not ok.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

Just about everyone does know. To be honest that's kind of embarrassing.

Yep, it is. Curious as to why they didn't close ranks around you. I was hoping for a better response. I'll bet you're not the only one he's done this to. Deserves to be squished.

Came home to find the WW did call and filed a complaint against OM.

I've gotten a couple of emails and text messages from WW asking to have a talk with me. She says she has a lot to talk about but knows I'm avoiding her for my own well being. WW says she understand that I need my time and space, but just wanted me to know some things that may have a bearing on my decisions.

Great signs. I won't yet go as far as to say she's remorseful(proven through actions over time), but very positive indications.

What if there is more? I'm going to talk to her later. This maybe the end of us I just don't know.

Only you will know that. If there is more, assuming you are open to R, complete, open honesty is the only way to get there. There's a level to the details though. You likely(as did I) will want to know it all. A warning, be sure, once you *know* it, you can't unknow it. Personally, the details were *better* than what my imagination was able to provide.

I told her I've probably already forgiven her. I just don't know if I will be able to stay with WW.

I forgave pretty quickly myself. I gave myself a year to figure my own answers though. Around 8 months past D-day, I was pleasantly surprised to *see* FWW actively remorseful. At a year, I told her that R was/is my goal and began my quest to repair/rebuild the M. The previous year, I was fixing me. Figuring out who I was.

A little of my background. I've been in 5 long term relationships(2 M's). All 5 women have cheated(I've pretty well figured out I've got a busted picker ). Instant deal-breaker the first 4 times(including the 1st M). I mean I *knew* as soon as I found out. This time, there were questions.

My suggestion to you is to figure yourself out before you make a final determination. Sounds like you are on the right path. A word of caution. You are on the rollercoaster from hell brother. What you feel today, heck, this hour can and will change on a dime. Wait until you stabilize a little before you make a final determination.

it's just a shitty thing to do to those kids. Mommy is crying..she is sad..she hurt daddy..daddy didn't come home one night..kids get scared and confused.

I agree with confused. A convo with WW is in order. If she can't hold her shit together, would it be possible for her to go stay with MIL? The kids desperately need stability right now, if she can't provide it, you need to.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, April 5th (Saturday)

5454. Sorry I have not touched on that. Most of my coworkers have been very good to me. Some of the wives of fellow officers have been great. I've gotten a lot of dinner offers and even a couple of them wanted to set me up with friends. They were joking of course.

OM was not well liked due to the way he did treat a lot of the other officers. One guy transferred back to patrol so he never had to deal with OM. Said he didn't like the way OM would act around other officers wives or girlfriends.

I'll be really honest I'm nervous right now. WW is driving the kids to grandparents so we can talk.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Well I guess it isn't going to get much better. WW and I had our talk. She was calm and answered most of the questions I have asked her. WW is adamant this was her only affair and has volunteered to take a polygraph. WW also said she would have all three kids DNA tested if I wanted. She said she knows they are mine as she never cheated before.

WW then broke down and said she was sorry for everything. For the cheating and the lies. She said she was most sorry for hurting me and disrespecting me and our marriage. WW said the affair was actually fairly brief and they were only together three times, with actual sex occurring the last time. She was really upset that it occurred the day I was hurt. She said that at that time she knew I never cheated. She said it was like a light went off in her head. That little light became a huge neon sign that said WTF are you doing.

WW had gone out of town with OM, she said she couldn't do "it" anywhere around town. She said she had turned her phone off because she didn't want any reminders of me. When she turned her phone on it was blowing up. She read the texts and messages and started to panic. She said she thought I was going to die. When she saw me in the hospital she was so happy I was alive and She was feeling so guilty she was afraid to confess. WW said she knew way deep down that I knew and everything would eventually be ruined. She wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. WW said she knew how I felt about cheating and was afraid I would just leave her. WW said she is most sad about ruining my relationship with her family.

I asked WW to not involve the children and she apologized for that as well. She said she was having a bad time and was talking to BIL on the phone and DD heard her crying. My daughter has some emotional issues and is very empathetic to other people when they are hurting. She gets very upset to see anyone she loves hurting in any way. WW apologized again and said she will try to keep "her" problems to herself. WW said her IC has been very hard on her, but understands she needs to be held accountable for her actions.

I have to say I haven't cried this much since I broke my arm when I was a child. WW asked me to please reconsider our separation and not make any decisions about a divorce. She has asked for some time. She said she wanted time to show me how much she does love me and wants our marriage. She wants to show me she can change and be a better person. She wants to show me the respect she should have shown me all along. WW did not sugar coat anything as far as I can tell. She did not down play anything. She said the sex with OM was good but it wasn't like what we had. She said he did fulfill something she always wanted but would never have asked me for. Apparently WW is extremely submissive, sorry if that's TMI. WW said she didn't want me to think she was a slut or a freak. My only reply to that was that I never thought she was until she let another man inside her. I would have given her anything she wanted or needed and not just in the bedroom.

What does everyone think? To me she appears to get it. She hasn't had any actual contact with OM, but he has tried. From what I can see she shut him down right after I was hurt and did so for several months. She just ignored him but after I confronted her she did send her NC letter and today she filed a complaint against him. She even requested charges be filed and asked for a temporary order of protection.

I love this woman with all of my being. She is beautiful, funny, smart (well most of the time), she is the mother of my beautiful children and my truly best friend. I want to be able to trust her again. I know it will not happen right away or even the foreseeable future. Do you all think we have a chance? Can we fix this?


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Sorry for the novel. God I write way to much. With regards to my kids. WW is a good mother with the exception of her infidelity. WW does suffer from depression and can be emotional. I may have portrayed it wrong on my one post. I hope I clarified it in my prior post. I think my DD asked my wife. I don't think she talked to our daughter in an attempt to manipulate. (I hope )


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Its very encouraging that your wife came right out with it and admitted that she had lost respect for you prior to the affair. Thats what it takes to cold-bloodily have sex the way she did with the OM. From one perspective the sex was better with him because it satisfied that submissive need that she admitted to. I also wouldn't be surprised if thats the reason she cheated; to experience this particular brand of kinky sex. She saw an opportunity and took it. All that crap about you possibly cheating was just to justify her adultery - she didn't necessarily believe it.

You can definitely reconcile given your wife is fully remorseful. The big worry is that after this all dies down in a few years, will she revert to this lack of respect for you she mentioned. Most adultery is rooted in either extreme resentment ; a lack of respect or both. Address this issue now before marriage rebuilding - why did she think so little of you that she permanently stained your marriage with this affair.

I would start the process of reconciliation at a slow pace according to how you feel. Sleep separately until you are ready to resume sexual relations and just take everything at your tempo not hers. Don't push yourself; this something you will control and your wife will have to accept this. Remind her that something unique has been lost, she is no longer a faithful wife and you will forgive but never forget.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

God I write way to much.

Lol, no, you don't. There is no better place to get it all out. We've all BTDT.

For example

She said it was like a light went off in her head. That little light became a huge neon sign that said WTF are you doing.


Heard exactly the same words. Unfortunately, it was after they finished and she was laying in bed next to him.

I love this woman with all of my being. She is beautiful, funny, smart (well most of the time), she is the mother of my beautiful children and my truly best friend. I want to be able to trust her again. I know it will not happen right away or even the foreseeable future. Do you all think we have a chance? Can we fix this?

Yes, you can. I won't sugar coat things and tell you it will be easy. There is literally going to be hell to pay. Mind movies, roller coaster emotions etc. It's generally accepted that it is a 2-5 year process. You will change your mind minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day.

We're here. Keep writing.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

If you make the decision to reconcile, make sure you put your wife through some turmoil over the next year - a form of aversion therapy. You want to make sure this never happens again.

I personally insisted my WH sleep in another room for 6 months while we conducted a chaste brother/sister reconciliation. There was no hostility or screaming anger, but I did more things on my own. I even went on vacation alone and left him with the kids.

Its important that your relationship change - don't go back to what you had. Keep your wife a little insecure and not sure of where she stands. You must never allow her to become complacent with the marriage again, take you for granted or lose respect for you like she did with her affair.

I even told WH that I would re-evaluate our relationship again when the kids left for college. If I wasn't fully satisfied I'm gone. Thats what I mean about never allowing your WW to become complacent again. She dumped over your old marriage so there is no sense in rebuilding a clone - it has to be new and original.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

OK now makes a good point @ "why did she think so little, etc"
But be careful here.
The answers have to be about her choices, issues, brokenness, etc., and have nothing to do with anything you did.
Just to be clear...

This might be a helpful read for you Swat:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460


Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

OK now. Thanks for your support. I get what your saying. I noticed several things about WW during our conversations. She is still avoiding things. That is one of her major issues I think. Since her affair WW has kind of put me on a pedestal. She acts like I've never done anything wrong. Hey I'm a guy I F up like every other guy. I've been wrong, stubborn and even mean to her over the years. I've made her cry and be angry. She has done the same to me. But she never dealt with her anger or hurt.

We would have an argument and separate for a while. I would run or hit the gym. I would be calm when I got back and apologize. WW on the other hand held her resentment in and I believe it just kept growing. All the while telling me she was fine and we were alright.

I think I understand how she was able to become the person she was during her affair. That person was not the person I married and I realize I should have seen it sooner. The nasty comments and her cold demeanor. I guess in a way I avoided or ignored the problems to. I think I see and have enough drama at work that I avoided it at home.

I can tell you that's not going to happen again.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

WW and I had breakfast alone this morning. It was nice and she looked beautiful. The kids where still at in laws so we had a lazy morning. WW still looks good in her pj's. We did have a nice talk though. It seems we hadn't done enough of that lately. Just us time and relaxing.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Just us time and relaxing.

Sweet.

Best wishes to the both of you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

*******Your wife is a little selfish and doesn't understand what she has done. She has destroyed the intimacy and romance in the marriage for years to come but she just isn't going to accept this. She won't acknowledge the necessary hard work and pain that reconciliation entails. Your WW wants relatively instant healing and if you don't deliver maybe the OM has an opportunity to get further revenge.

This is quite a common issue in marriages tainted with adultery. The problem of the impatient WS.******

This really resonates with WH and I..Our marriage was difficult to begin with but the added layer of cheating and deceit on my WH's part made working on the marriage impossible..

Part of me was contemplating D even before I knew of WH's cheating..I found his volatile temper and emotional abuse increasingly hard to deal with as I got older..He did not put in any work to support us financially, for our future..I was the one with all of the unwanted pressure to make sure we as a family would be okay..I was the one who financed or or cosigned with my kids for their college classes when needed..

Any WS who is impatient for R to happen his or her way, impatient for the limbo to end is not truly remorseful..This person remains selfish..R with this kind of spouse? IMHO? Hell no !

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:59 PM, April 6th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 6th (Sunday)

Remember SWAT the goal of your wife is to rugsweep and she will use every bit of her sexuality and femininity to get you to 'heal' as fast as possible and put this unpleasant incident behind you both.

You have to ensure this does not happen again and that your selfish wife is held to account for her sexual adventure. I'm sure she looks ravishing in her pj's but her goal is to seduce you and short circuit the otherwise painful process of rebuilding by exploiting your carnal needs.

Your wife told you that she enjoyed sex with the OM and that he did something special to her which she enjoyed greatly. That would piss me off royally, especially since she did not need to tell you this. She has a lot of growing up to do and you need to get tough and make her realize that what she did was a horrible betrayal and not a jolly, spiffing adventure..
Are you they she used a condom during sex? During the BJ's? Ask her again. If she honest enough to tell you about the exciting sex with OM maybe she'll reveal more about the details.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 7th (Monday)

doggediva. Your right she was very selfish and immature. WW still is in some ways. Believe me I noticed how she was acting during our alone time. I've known and slept with this woman for years. What she was wearing was not typical and brand new. I saw the package and receipt. I actually asked her about it and she said she wanted to look nice for me.

OK now. Your right I have been way to lenient with WW. I need her to step up and take responsibility and fix the mess she made of our marriage. The timing of the whole scenario was suspect from the beginning. WW know the academy class I was teaching was only postponed for a week due to the funeral and several instructors would not be available. I'm teaching today and to be honest it is kind of good for my ego.

I mean I'm a 45 year old man who has lost some hair but am I the best shape of my life. WW affair helped me lose those five or was it twenty five pesky extra pounds. I teach DT and we started what we call instructor challenges. We would not ask anyone to do or try to do anything we would not do. So I guess I'm a sit up machine. Not one recruit has been able to keep up and not one is even close.

I believe WW was taking the opportunity to try to get some type of "insurance" that I was going to forgive and forget. I have td WW forgiveness is the easy part. It's the forgetting I may not get past.

The condom question has plagued me for a while. I've heard so much about waywards and not using condoms. WW has said all along they used condoms and she did get negative results for her std tests. To be honest the "type" of sex she had with OM and whether it was special or not doesn't seem to bother me at this point. I mean is she wanted to be used, she got it. I don't understand how or why she feels they way she did or does.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 7th (Monday)

I mean I'm upset she didn't come to me with her desires or needs. What gets me upset is the fact she took what was special and sh!t on it. WW allowed the POS inside of her body. I know there were others before me and if I was dead I wouldn't want her to be alone. But we were a couple and that is just not acceptable to me at this point. I'm not sure she understands how I really feel about this. I've told her but she may not be getting it.

Tommorrow I'll probably feel different. The roller coaster sure sucks. But hey all my negative emotions are whipping the young kids butts.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, April 7th (Monday)

You are so very normal and justified in the way you feel..
That was how I felt in the aftermath of my D-days too..
R is difficult, so very difficult..Some people find it impossible..
Finding a way to get past the massive resentment we feel post A towards our WS is not easy..A remorseful WS will quickly understand why we feel so resentful..A remorseful WS will let go of his/her feelings of entitlement and impatience..A remorseful WS who is thinking logically, will realize that the enormous betrayal they put upon us cannot be undone... The damage is often too final and too devastating for the marriage to be saved..
I mean really, all marriages have their problems...Problems ranging from minor irritations to major insurmountable and life changing problems..
We were in the same marriages as our WSs.. Problems of the marriage usually affect BOTH spouses in some way..So what gives the WS the right to justify their cheating by blaming it on the marriage? That is one of the first questions a WS must answer for themselves and us..
From reading these boards, I have come to the conclusion that many/most cheating spouses don't want to face the enormity and the horror of what they did to us....
Unless and until our WS face the music head on and reform their behavior, life in the M will feel fake for us..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:42 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 7th (Monday)

What gets me upset is the fact she took what was special and sh!t on it. WW allowed the POS inside of her body.

Your statement sums it all up and you are right, she just doesn't get it. To her it was an exciting episode that caused no lasting harm and was just sex after all. If you had not found out it would have been her delicious secret which she would have never revealed to you.

From her perspective she is still your woman because there was no emotional relationship with OM. From your POV she is no longer exclusively yours and the deeply intimate minutes she shared with OM are part of your marriage.

If she doesn't learn the tragedy of what she has done, she may be doomed to repeat. At least she will soon get angry with your tardiness in 'forgetting' her harmless escapade and moving on.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, April 7th (Monday)

Swat, are you the type of person who is at your strongest when others are at their weakest? You rise to your best when other's are at their worse? You do these things instinctively regardless of whether or not it benefits yourself? You might even thrive on it?

God knows you have been dealt two gigantic blows at the same time, no, three things: wife infidelity, OM being someone who should have been like a brother to you, and the death of a fallen work brother.

Your fellow workers are suffering due to the death of one of their own, your children are suffering due to the death of the innocence of the marriage between their parents. you have obviously risen noblely in response to both of these situations and to the people who need you in both of these situations. And on top of it, you responded to OM's terrible actions by showing him you aren't ashamed and you are willing to go scorched earth on him.

I think your wife is taking advantage of this in you. You are in strong mode, for everyone. You are in handling-everything mode. You probably feel even somewhat invigorated when you are in this mode? She's riding this energy, perhaps? Hoping to jump in and be one of the victims (again with the damsel in distress thing) whom needs help and your strength at this moment?

Plus, I get a real feeling she is worried about a revenge affair. She's for sure gonna pull out all the stops with trying to keep you sexually interested in her.

From this board and in my own life, it seems caught cheaters respond one of two ways 1)suddenly and immediately decide they are capable of being the perfect spouse and suddenly deciding they will do anything to keep BS, or 2)become defensive maybe abusive and maybe even leave for the AP

(in case you haven't noticed I tend to think in sets of twos, with subcategories under each. It helps me find equilibrium in situations that are chaotic. )

I always find it sad when WS are so immediately able to pull out all the stops for the marriage AFTER they have all but murdered the marriage with an affair. It reeks of such selfishness.

Protect your heart, take all the space you need to observe this situation you are going through and your wife's actions.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 7th (Monday)

@outofthedeep:
Thanks for an interesting perspective about reasonably attractive women being hit on all the time. I had never actually though about that until now. I find that a bit of a revelation,

Glad to provide some insight. I will start a thread in general.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 7th (Monday)


As OutoftheDeep wrote:
Swat, are you the type of person who is at your strongest when others are at their weakest? You rise to your best when other's are at their worse? You do these things instinctively regardless of whether or not it benefits yourself? You might even thrive on it?

Back in the old days, we used to call that "character'. You've got it, the OM scumbag has no clue what it is.
One word comes to mind when dealing with a cheating spouse, selfishness. These are exact opposite traits and are not compatible.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 7th (Monday)

As other SI members have pointed out you have one hell of a problem. Your wife is vain and selfish; I'll warrant she's used to being spoiled and getting her own way, given she is very good-looking lady.

In a nutshell, she is going to demand that you heal quickly. No 2 - 5 years will be accepted; she's going to want you over this minor infraction in just a few days/weeks and she'll use sex to achieve this.

She doesn't understand the male perspective of another man taking your woman and the humiliation this has exposed you to - what an insensitive clod. From her POV, she loves you not him, so where's the hurt? As I said she isn't involved with the OM emotionally, so your WW just can't grasp your sense of loss and betrayal. Her inability to understand your grief is going to pose a significant issue for you to deal with in the coming months. Her adultery will change your relationship and sadly I don't think she will be happy with the changes.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Thank you everyone. It helps to vent to you all. It's hard saying some of these things to my BIL. While he is my best friend WW is still his little sister.

Outofthedeep. Your absolutely right. I do thrive in these types of situations. I have always done what I thought was the right thing when people needed help. I guess I just need someone to be strong for me. I can't fix this and that hurts.

I'm out of the house for two weeks, except for the weekend. I think I'm either going to move out or ask WW to move out for a while. I need to see what she does and if she is willing to work on her problems. WW has shown some positive growth and admits I really never did anything wrong, yet she still choose to cheat. WW says she resented things and her resentment grew. But she was selfish and disrespectful and did not care about me or our marriage for a brief amount of time. I have asked her why. She says she does not know right now. If she can't figure out why and fix her issues. We have nothing left. I'll be the best father I can be to my kids and move on. It will hurt and it's is not what I wanted for my marriage. But I will be alright.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 7th (Monday)

Ok...back to work. Gonna run the recruits five miles the we are going to do some more PT.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I would move out not WW. If she is alone in an apartment the OM will come sniffing around. Things are bad enough right now without your wife restarting her affair because you have thrown her out of the house. If she is at home with the kids then OM will find it that much more difficult to gain access to your wife.

I gather your sensible objective is to face your wife with the prospect of losing her marriage because of her adultery. Hoping to shock her into the realization that what she did was very serious, and requires genuine deep remorse. Maybe she will 'get it' before separation is necessary.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I have asked her why. She says she does not know right now. If she can't figure out why and fix her issues. We have nothing left. I'll be the best father I can be to my kids and move on.

FYI, there's probably never going to be a *why* that is acceptable to you. It might be that the *why* only is understandable to her and allows her to fix her issues. Take the time for yourself.

IMO, sounds like she's trying. It is a process. Mine took 8 months of the year I had allotted myself to figure out remorse. Why don't you suggest the book "Not Just Friends" to her as well as "After the Affair"> Both are great resources for both of you.

Run the probies into the ground!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Been an interesting day. Ran the recruits until some tossed their cookies. Wasn't expecting such a large class. The region has 46 recruits in the academy. My class was 16. Anyway split them into two groups and ran em ragged.

Got kind of a shock. During a break a female recruit asked where I was staying and if I would be going out at night. I told the entire group that personal questions were not allowed. Later I went to a local cop bar with several other instructors and a couple of the local PD I know. Said recruit and several other females were there. The bartender said they were the "Badge bunny brigade" which kind of made me laugh. After a while a group of five young ladies sat next to me. They were a rather attractive bunch probably mid twenties to early thirties. They started talking a little bit and I noticed at least three engagement or wedding rings. They asked me if I wanted to hang out and I said no I'm married. Their reply "We didn't see a ring and we've never seen you here before." What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her." To tell you the truth that really pissed me off. I said "maybe she wouldn't know. But I would. "

In a way I was kind of happy that some attractive young things wanted to chat me up. But I never started any conversation and I shut them down rather quickly. The comment about my wife would never know struck a cord with me. Did WW think this? Maybe I'm just old I don't know. But even with everything WW has done and some of the things she said during the affair. I could never cheat on her. Some people have posted WW maybe afraid of a revenge affair and I know she portrayed hers as one.

I noticed at least one of the young women (wearing a ring I might add) did leave with a strapping young man. I hope he as her husband or fiancé. Cause to be honest seeing it kind of made me sick. Is it really that easy? Cause I just couldn't fathom doing that.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Just so everyone knows. I'm not a huge drinker. I like my beer every now and then and have gone out with my co workers a couple of times a year. Never gone out and gotten drunk without the wife and never spoken to women I didn't work with. I was kind of shocked when they approached me. I thought I was giving off a I want to be left alone vibe, not a hey I want to cheat on my wife one. Guess I'm gonna have to work on that. I'm definitely not planning on going out again.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Just so everyone knows. I'm not a huge drinker. I like my beer every now and then and have gone out with my co workers a couple of times a year. Never gone out and gotten drunk without the wife and never spoken to women I didn't work with. I was kind of shocked when they approached me. I thought I was giving off a I want to be left alone vibe, not a hey I want to cheat on my wife one. Guess I'm gonna have to work on that. I'm definitely not planning on going out again.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I was kind of shocked when they approached me. I thought I was giving off a I want to be left alone vibe, not a hey I want to cheat on my wife one.

Lol, *blood in the water*. You're wounded. You've just met the female versions of Knights In Shining Armor and predators. It will happen again.

" What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her."

Is this the first time you've been an instructor? Anytime training/instruction takes place over an hour from home, the low boundary folks seem to take advantage of the *What happens here stays here" meme.

To tell you the truth that really pissed me off. I said "maybe she wouldn't know. But I would. "

Damn, you make me proud to be a man. WTG bro.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Sorry for the continuous posts. Just frustrated and can't sleep. I forgot to comment on moving out. To be honest I don't want to leave my home. I didn't cheat and crap on my marriage. She did. I wouldn't throw her out. She can take the kids and stay with her parents. Not ideal I know. I would rather the kids stay home but with me working that is difficult. WW hasn't had to work since we were married. I know being a SAHM is a job, but it doesn't require making arrangements for child care.

OKnow your absolutely right. This mess has ruined my marriage and changed me greatly. I'm not so sure WW is going to like the new me or what needs to happen for a new marriage.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

5454. No not the first time instructing or away from home. In the past I would just stay in the hotel and call home. This time I'm kind of doing a modified 180. Not calling home and telling WW every detail of my day. Just calling to talk to the kids. WW gets I'll call tommorrow, going out with the guys. Let her sweat a little bit. If she caves and does something stupid, oh well she was warned.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

My FWH doesn't like the new me; too independent and not in the least submissive. I put him on a pedestal before the affair but I pulled away after; started building protective walls I suppose. All I know is I won't be that vunerable again.

I think your wife hinted why she was unfaithful when she admitted the sex was good and fulfilled hidden needs. She was hit on by the OM and tempted by the idea of a short, exciting sexual affair. Ramped up some temporary anger/resentment to make it easier to cheat, then went for it, never intending for you to find out.
She probably would have continued the affair for a few weeks to milk every drop of sexual interest, then ended it. She would then turn off the resentment and start being nice to you again. Back to being a respectable married woman with three young children. An exercise in selfishness, but not uncommon given the present day temptations of Facebook, Ashley Madison etc.

The affair would also settle past grudges she has with you; pretty common in most marriages. She got to 'balance' things, so as to speak and you would never know about it. Very convenient revenge without any pain on both sides.
Just didn't work out the way she planned; now she has a nightmare to deal with.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I think your wife hinted why she was unfaithful when she admitted the sex was good and fulfilled hidden needs. She was hit on by the OM and tempted by the idea of a short, exciting sexual affair. Ramped up some temporary anger/resentment to make it easier to cheat, then went for it, never intending for you to find out.
She probably would have continued the affair for a few weeks to milk every drop of sexual interest, then ended it. She would then turn off the resentment and start being nice to you again. Back to being a respectable married woman with three young children. An exercise in selfishness, but not uncommon given the present day temptations of Facebook, Ashley Madison etc.

The affair would also settle past grudges she has with you; pretty common in most marriages. She got to 'balance' things, so as to speak and you would never know about it. Very convenient revenge without any pain on both sides.
Just didn't work out the way she planned; now she has a nightmare to deal with.

I believe this theory, also. Your WW may not even grasp this yet, but I would not be surprised if she "gets it" real soon...if not already.

And that is where she has to focus---on everything that led up to the affair: the sexual curiosity; the allowed flattery and moves by the OM; her interest in the OM, and her perceived resentment towards you. She has plenty of work ahead of herself. But, if she does put in the effort, I would be surprised if you didn't find yourself starting to feel a little more "normal".

It is all part of the rebuilding process.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Swat, do you think your wife could have set up those women to hit on you?

(not implying that they wouldn't otherwise, but...with all the other conscience attempts from WW to play this A outcome)

A bunch of gorgeous 20/30-somethings, most of whom were wearing rings, completely aggressive and even that stupid "what you wife won't know" line. So, most of them committed, gorgeous, and looking for an A. Am I reading that right? Totally possible, but I'm a suspicious person.

I'm sure it's what 5454 said though, blood in the water.

But well I thought I'd give you the benefit of my devious mind and wild imagination and throw that out there. I gotta admit I've had more than one gf suggest something similar to catch a guy cheating.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Swat, do you think your wife could have set up those women to hit on you?

... or your favorite best friend OM ?
Unlikely, but I wouldn't put it past a scumbag like that.
Most likely, you ended up in a bar with people that have fallen for the miserable Hollywood version of marriage being sold to the masses. Decency, honor, commitment, and self respect are relics it seems.

[This message edited by twisted at 8:40 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

SWAT,

You ask what we reading your situation think about your WW and whether she “gets it”.
Well… I think she’s showing positive signs.

SWAT – I guess my view on how to deal with situations like yours are not necessarily in line with what many suggest. That’s OK – there is no black and white here and nobody should (nor could) claim to have the perfect solution.

I think one of the main reasons we are so mixed up after discovering infidelity is because we aren’t expecting it… We can’t prepare (and maybe we shouldn’t). So try substituting infidelity with another trauma, one we might be better able to relate to.
Imagine you wake up and your house is on fire… (I think I used this simile in my first post to you but bear with me…)
You can’t just lie there looking at the flames and mutter how unjust the situation is. You can’t tell yourself that since it was your wife that left the stove on and thereby caused the fire then she should call 911. You can’t save one child and then expect the wife to save the other. You can’t get half your valuables out and then sit down and pout while your wife tries to get the other half…
What you can do is evaluate whether the fire destroys the foundations of your house or whether you can rebuild.

I am one of those that think infidelity DEMANDS we act. It DEMANDS we decide. Just like the fire demands we wake up, get everyone out, get help, extinguish the flames and save what valuables we can… The tricky part is evaluating what decisions are reversible and what decisions aren’t.

I think the big issue is evaluating what we need and what we want and is attainable and then acting to reach a goal. OK – I can understand that you aren’t clear on what you want. But then you have to think: Is my indecisiveness good for me and those that depend on me? (In your case your children). Are my actions today helping in moving out of infidelity?

OK – I want to be very clear on one issue: IMHO infidelity can only end in two “positive” ways. Divorce or reconciliation. Unfortunately the third path is the one most chosen: a situation where the underlying issues aren’t dealt with and both partners learn to live with the big elephant being dragged around in the marriage.

SWAT – If you truly feel that you can’t learn to live with the fact your WW cheated and will always see her as an adulteress… Then there is no way you can ever regain or recreate a true marriage. File.
If however you think you COULD get pass these issues and IF you are willing to try… Then start reconciliation. Personally I think this is where you are at. And frankly I am not sure shunning her, ignoring her, not responding to her, an unclear and undefined separation… none of those are beneficial for reconciliation.

In an older post you say (when told OM had been in touch) that you told your wife:

My reply was this is your mess. You fix it.

SWAT – IMHO that would ONLY apply if you have already checked out of the marriage.
The mind-boggling, ground-shattering fact about reconciliation is that you are reconciling with the CAUSE of your issues.
The “mess” your wife dropped you into – as long as you are married and plan on reconciling – that is the marriages mess and thereby YOUR mess. YOU and WIFE need to handle OM being in contact IF you are still in the marriage.

And SWAT – Like I have already said there are many different suggestions on how to deal with infidelity – but I don’t think it’s your prerogative or role to dish out punishment to your wife. To start off with: What the hell is appropriate punishment for infidelity? I can’t think of any.

SWAT – Maybe the only time I was ever in a law-enforcement situation I felt I didn’t control was when I had a short-term partner that allowed a situation to escalate. He had a couple of years’ experience on me and therefore the lead-officer in dealing with some amphetamine-cooked gang members. I saw he was dealing wrongly with them and a tense situation was escalating into what could turn into a physically dangerous situation. When he had lost complete control and a couple of the guys more or less cornered him up against a wall I didn’t say “this is your mess. You fix it”. I stepped in, defused the situation and solved the problem. That SWAT is what your marriage needs.

This site was founded by a couple that reconciled after infidelity. Some of the admins and moderators are reconciled as BS or WS. I think all of them wanted their WS to suffer but I also venture that none of them really saw or had any benefit from it. I would hope that every now and then a reconciled BS looks at his/her spouse and thinks “thank God I managed to get over my initial reactions and work things out”. I would hope a reconciled WS looks at his/her spouse and thinks “Thank God we managed to put the work into being where we are and I hope I can someday forgive myself for my affair”.

And SWAT – I don’t see your wife as a super-manipulative, Machiavellian sex fiend. I see her as a super-confused and worried woman who does not have the benefit of a sounding board like SI…
Her anger and worried after your day away… Well SWAT; you are in a profession with a higher than average suicide rate, a macho society where your manhood might be seen as having been subject to shame, a society where guns are aplenty (and yes SWAT – I sucked my barrel and thought about it…). She is probably just as confused as you are, possibly even more so.
I won’t EVER excuse her affair and it will ALWAYS be her fault – her decision. But it really sounds as if OM saw a crack and pounced on it. Should she have allowed it? NO WAY.

I want to leave you with this one task; one exercise:
Sit down and THINK. Do I want to be married to this woman?
Don’t think “do I want this marriage” or “can I forgive her”. Only think “Do I want to be married with this woman”.

Whatever “marriage” comes out of R will be a completely new one IF YOU RECONCILE.
If however you come to the conclusion that you don’t want to be married to her… well… tell her so. And then start work on emotionally, physically and financially separating.



"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Come on...I sure hope no one put those women up to it. Massive blow to the ego. I don't believe that is possible. I've never been to the place before, it's fairly new. Retired cop opened it last summer and I was still in no condition to go out after my surgery. The bar is about an hour from where I live so not a likely place for me to go, besides I'm not really one to go out without the wife. Work functions sometimes, but wife would get an invite and was usually home within an hour.

Bigger...Thank you for your post. Everyone is different and they deal with problems differently. I've always been the fixer, you have a problem. I'll do my best to fix it. I've been the strong one for many of my friends, family and co workers. But I can't fix this and that hurts me. It just seems the biggest challenge of my life and I'm failing. To answer your question or really MY question....yes I want to be married to my wife. I just don't know if I can. Does that make any sense? I love her more than anything and she has done so much improving. I think she is either on this site or one like it. WW is trying and I know she is getting IC and wants us to start MC. I see this and love her for it, but then "slap" I remember. I don't even get angry just sad. I know I'm better than this. I know I'm better than OM. I just can't remember that all of the time. I'm hoping I can get to the point where I can. Because I don't want to hurt my wife or my family. I get some people feel I'm punishing her and maybe deep down I am.

I have an IC appointment tommorrow so maybe we can figure some things out.



Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I know I'm better than this. I know I'm better than OM.

Damn right bro.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I am going to follow up on Bigger's last post. I strongly agree with what he has told you. Look at the (limited) history I have posted and you will see I have been thru all of this a long time ago. Doesn't necessarily make me wise, but it gives me the perspective of that time can provide. From that perspective I want to offer a few thoughts.
Moving out of the house AT THIS POINT is a mistake. Maybe 3 or 6 months from now things will have deteriorated to where it makes sense. But right now it can only be detrimental. I say that because: Bigger is correct that your W is showing many positive signs. She seems to be truly remorseful; to really "get it" as to the devastation she has caused; to be committed to do anything and everything possible to help you and the marriage heal; and, perhaps most important, to truly love you. OK, so maybe she is able to fake all of that and none of it is true. The only way you are going to know is to observe her actions and to interact with her on a daily basis. To see if they remain constant and consistent. If she has the staying power and determination that can only come from her words being honest. You can't see that; feel it; sense it in your gut; if you live separately. If you live separately the paranoia, anger, bitterness and sadness will be able to take hold and, potentially, blind you to making a realistic assessment of her efforts and her sincerity.
True, living at home will have its own burdens, seeing her all evening can trigger emotions too. But IF you think you might want to R, you are going to have to learn how to start dealing with those emotions and triggers that proximity to her brings.
Bigger is correct that if you KNOW - for a fact, for sure - that this has been a dealbreaker, then separate and begin building your new life. But if you are thinking you still would like to try to rebuild -- that can best be done by being at home. By watching and evaluating her efforts. By starting the process of learning how to handle your emotions. And by allowing her efforts to heal you into your heart.
The brutal truth is that R may be the hardest task you will ever undertake. There truly is a roller coaster ride in it and the coaster will make some trips down thru hell as well as to the mountain top before you can get off. I have ridden it. I Learned a lot along the way. About life. About my W. About myself. I learned that the world is not the black and white, a person is either good or bad that I assumed before her A. I learned that I am not perfect and that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that she is not perfect (duh!) like I had believed. But also that she is not evil. I learned how screwed up she became in her thinking and how selfish in her approach to life and how that led to the A. And I have seen how deeply she now grieves for the damage and pain she caused. And I have seen and felt her love now. And I have seen and felt and learned so much more.
And the point?? The point is it took time. A lot of time. And a lot of patience. And strength. That is what it will take for you.
You said you are by nature a "fixer". So am I. So you will get frustrated. That healing doesn't happen over a week or a month or even a year. That there will be set backs here and there. In your healing. In her actions. Because we are human and we get tired or discouraged sometimes. But over time, if she stays true to her assertions of wanting to do everything right and if you really want to R, over time you will find real closeness, real love returning.
Some truths/warnings to answer some questions you are asking yourself. Will you ever be able to forget. No. But you will learn how to make it just an unhappy past memory that can be shunted aside while you move along with living your life with your kids and your W. If you have a horrible accident with bad injuries but you recover --- you won't forget the accident but you won't let it control the rest of your life.
Will you, even in the future have a bad hour or afternoon or day every once in a while? Maybe. Look, the truth is that this has changed you and changed your life forever. So there will always be a fleeting thought here and there. But I can tell you that it is possible to get your life back; your marriage and your family life. I did. Yeah, it was hard and took a lot of work and time. But I always loved my W and now we are closing in on retirement -- together. With kids that grew up in an intact house and, now, grandkids.
Sorry if this is rambling but I wanted you to know that there truly is such a thing as R and that it truly is possible to emerge on the other side of the shitstorm you are in now. But to get there you have to be prepared to give it a chance; to give your W a chance to prove to you that she can and will do everything possible to make your life happy again.
If you ever want to talk or just vent, PM me.
Good luck. I hope you find peace.

[This message edited by 1985 at 11:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 593 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

1985 and Bigger

Thank you both. Actually thank you everyone. I'm speechless right now.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Come on...I sure hope no one put those women up to it. Massive blow to the ego

So sorry Swat!! That's not what I meant.

I'll be honest, I am in the camp of having little trust in your WW. So consider me on the dark side in my opinions?? I admit I'm one jaded girl at the moment, and it pours into my view of everything, sorry.

For what it's worth, my exWH sent his lay-of-the-month to try to come on to my current husband when we first started dating. yeah, ex cheated on me, and then didn't want me moving on. Luckily for current husband he told me about the encounter, and long story short by description, timing, her car, a few things my ex had said, etc it was clear who it was and what was going on. As crazy as that sounds, it was typical of my ex's manipulation.

People are such jerks,

And, to be honest, it made me really sad that those women wearing rings were out affair fishing, probably while some poor guy was waiting at home. A part of me wanted to convince myself that people aren't just that terrible, all the time, everywhere it seems. But they are.

Best of luck Swat.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

SWAT
You a fixer? I can understand that. I guess I’m one too. I’m the guy that goes and gets the owed pay for my brother’s daughter when her sleazy coffee-house boss stiffed her. I’m the guy that people call when they have an issue they need dealt with. Heck – for years I have volunteered in a program that helps young recovering addicts get back on their feet. As a past-time I call banks and negotiate payment plans… So I get the fixer mentality. I have it.

I have this theory and both my personal experience and what I have heard others say sort of supports the theory: When faced with an extremely dire and hard choice you feel a sense of relief and purpose once you reach a decision. It’s like a feeling of inevitability that also fills you with a sense of purpose. I once listened to that guy who got caught under a boulder in Utah and had to saw off his hand. He described the very same feeling; once he decided and committed to sawing off his hand he felt fine with the idea. I felt the same when I walked in on my fiancé. I knew right away that I did not want to reconcile. I was totally comfortable with that idea.

Research shows that the majority of people that divorce regret the decision 12 months later and/or acknowledge that they could have solved their problems. I just don’t want you in that statistical group. I just have this feeling based on what I have read from you that you would want to reconcile – but you just don’t have a clue how to do so – how to control it – how to fix it.

Let me suggest this beginning: Try to view your wife as two different people: W and WW. The WW is the one that had the affair. She’s the one that is going to “explain” why she had to have the affair and give all the reasons and excuses. Then there is the W. She’s the one you want. Exorcise the WW out of your W.

Don’t see this as an argument or competition.
Tell your wife that you want to reconcile. But also tell her about your doubts and worries. Be totally open and honest about how you wonder if she has the ability to work on this and if she really gets the extend of the damage done. Reach a compromise where she commits to patience and transparency for the next 2-3 weeks and you commit to calming down, not doing anything stoopid and not committing to a divorce.
That’s it. Buy some time to simply not have to worry. Time to calm down, find a good MC, get back into routine and gather strength to deal with the marathon ahead.


Finally: I totally get what OutoftheDeep is saying. As a LEO SWAT has probably encountered that nice person that turns out to be a back-stabbing maniac. So yes – there is always a chance that WW surpasses W and that WW eventually becomes your wife’s dominating personality.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'm pretty sure you will end up reconciling, but I put a lot more stress on the why she cheated. You yourself have a lot to offer as a husband. You are honest, moral, a great father and you have kept yourself fit and more than presentable. If you don't mind me saying, a heck of a catch.

You have stated that you could never cheat on your wife, but she did; BJ's, penetrative sex the lot. Also it is possible a condom was not used. Whats the difference between you and her? Why do you hold fidelity as precious and she doesn't?

Since you are a first-rate husband and your wife had no intention of ever permanently swapping you for the OM, why the hell did she cheat? Because she is selfish, and obsessed with her own needs. This is not going to go away when you reconcile, neither is the loss of respect for her. You will have to accept that your wife is flawed in a really unpleasant way; sort of, fuck you I come first philosophy. This is part of her personality and will predispose her to adultery given her obsession with her own needs.

Thats why you have to make this turmoil in your marriage really painful for her as well as you. Either that or you are always going to wonder what she's doing when you are away on business. Will the OM get to enjoy your wife again? Right now I don't think you could guarantee that he won't, or a least some other guy. It like a virginity lost. She has cheated once [maybe more than once]; there is less of a bridge to cross doing it a second time.

She screwed up your marriage and all she can think about is avoiding the consequences. Some posters are virtually advocating letting her off easy. That would be a mistake.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
1985
Member
Member # 28171
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I want to do a brief follow up. You still love your W. You still want to be married to her. That was me also.
You say you just want to "fix" the situation but you don't know how. And what is going unsaid is that you have this sense of despair that if you can't figure out how to fix it -- then there is no hope and you might as well give up. I have been there. As have about every Betrayed Spouse on SI.
The truth is you can't "fix it" in the way you are used to fixing things. Where you come up with a solution that you then activate and which makes the problem disappear.
That kind of "fix" here would look like what? That you learn that there really was never any physical contact; and that she really couldn't stand OM and never said nice things to him; and that it all is just a big misunderstanding. That would be a fix. But you know that won't happen and so you feel hopeless/helpless because how do you fix that your W had sex with another man while you were out working? That she ---- as you put it, let another man be inside of her. And gave away what was supposed to be special between just the two of you. SWAT, I have BTDT as so many others here have.
The key is coming to the realization that YOU cannot, by yourself, fix this. You can't. And so long as you view it in terms of "I can't fix this so my marriage is over" you will never be able to move towards R. You have to accept that fixing requires tremendous effort from both you and your W. And in fact, your W has to pull the true laboring oar. SHE has to be the fixer. And she has to demonstrate to you every day that she is dedicated, determined and dead serious about fixing it no matter how much effort it takes. And you? You have to give her the chance to show you and prove to you. You have to be prepared, after a while and when she has shown you enough to develop credibility, to open your heart back up. To take the risk of committing yourself back to the marriage. To show her that you do still love her despite what she has put you through. That is your part of fixing. But it comes down the road a ways. She has to be the fixer first.
I have followed you from the start. It sounds like she is trying to be the fixer that she needs to be. So step back and watch. See if your intellect and your gut can, over time, believe her; trust her at least a reasonable amount. And don't obsess over your need to immediately fix. This takes time to get to the point where you will feel safe enough to let her back in to your heart. And it circles me back to my first post. Separating at this point will seriously impair the process.
I know you mentioned that maybe subconsciously separating was a form of punishment to her. I get it. We all have had, at different times, the urge to punish. The need to make her feel at least a small fraction of the pain we have. And certainly it would be deserved. The problem is that IF you want to R, punishment does not help the process and in fact probably delays it. One thing you will see in the postings of many Betrayed Spouses is anguish over the feeling of unfairness. The lack of justice or consequences for the cheater. And it is true that if you choose to R, there is some fundamental unfairness there. So, I mentioned that your life has changed forever. Part of the change is that you have to learn to accept that unfairness has occurred and will just be a part of your history. Life can be unfair. Yours has been. And the sad fact is that you just have to accept it, swallow it, and move ahead if you want to R. In the long course of the rest of your life, if your W becomes again the woman you believed her to be at your wedding, the joy you will experience will way surpass the unfairness.
Again, I hope you find peace.


Me-BH 63
Her-fWW 63
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
DDay June, 1985
DDay June 1985
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 4 grandkids

Posts: 593 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest - large city
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

The fixer thing...

This is an interesting and valid perspective going on here. But one I totally don't see through my eyes.

The marriage was killed, murdered, by your WW. It's dead. Nothing dead can be fixed. The only thing that can be done with a dead thing, is to grieve it properly, and accept that it is gone. A new marriage must be created.

Fixing I don't get. Solutions and problem solving and creation, I understand. I also, am one of those people who can deal beautifully with someone else's crisis. I'm a rock, I'm clear, I'm invigorated by the honor of the responsibility, and I am relentless in applying my intelligence to finding a way through whatever is going on. Funny though, I've never thought of it as "fixing". My own problems, however? It's totally different for me. I'm emotional, I'm unclear, I doubt myself, I'm fearful.

Of course, a new marriage would be built out of the same two people. With old memories, and familiarities and habits. So there would be remnants of the old marriage. But to resurrect a marriage destroyed in such a fashion as this....this just isn't how I see things.

This is not a disagreement, but rather a different perspective for you.

There's also the point brought up of the character codes of two people being completely incompatible. This is intriguing, and has caused me some thought toward my own situation. What is the outcome if it is simply that: the WS code of character and honor is simply not as important to them as it is to the BS, or their code is even nonexistent?

ETA: I'm not attempting to threadjack with these observations and questions. If they don't apply to YOU, Swat, don't get distracted by them

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 2:09 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I would do what feels most comfortable to you in regards to a separation situation (you moving out vs WW moving out)...

But protect yourself and your kids legally if you decide to be the one to move out, even if it is a temporary separation..

And know that with the passage of enough time you will be a lot more clear on whether you will want R or D...I promise you..

The issue that a lot of people contend with is that once they know what they want, especially if it is a D, they have a lot of difficulty in implementing the decision if they haven't an exit plan in place...

So while you are still in a limbo or holding pattern which may last a long time, get your legal and financial ducks in a row and continue to focus on your own growth/ strength and that of your kiddos...

IMHO, having your ducks exactly where you want them will buy you time..The time you need to let life unfold while watching the consistency of your wife's actions..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I think this is excellent, diva nails it, and at the same time, you get to 'keep busy'

The issue that a lot of people contend with is that once they know what they want, especially if it is a D, they have a lot of difficulty in implementing the decision if they haven't an exit plan in place...

So while you are still in a limbo or holding pattern which may last a long time, get your legal and financial ducks in a row and continue to focus on your own growth/ strength and that of your kiddos...

IMHO, having your ducks exactly where you want them will buy you time..The time you need to let life unfold while watching the consistency of your wife's actions..


Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Well it's been an interesting night. I had made a decision to R with my wife and was planning to call my attorney in the morning.

I drove home after work and was kind of surprised to see several cars at my house. I had forgotten that today was the monthly "Police Spouse" meeting. I walked in and found my wife talking to 10 other wives. Wife had asked them to come over after the meeting. Wife told them all what she had done and was crying. She had apologized to all of them as well since they are the wives of the guys on my patrol and tactical teams. My wife was happy to see me and ran up and hugged me. She whispered she was sorry and had asked them over so she could get some information. One of the wives is my attorney. Wife asked what she needed to do and they all rallied around her and where talking to her. My wife had told my attorney to draft an agreement for her. She wants nothing to from me if we divorce. She doesn't want anything except child support and 50/50 custody. She doesn't want to divorce, but if I did she wanted me to know this.

I just blurted out that I forgave her and wanted to try and work everything out. Wife just fell to the floor crying and saying thank you. The other wives left and we talked. I told her I'm going to try my hardest but I'm gonna have bad days and she is going to have to be there for me and our marriage. She just said thank you. You will never regret this. Wife cried until she fell asleep and I put her to bed.

I want to thank everyone. I'm praying this works out. I need this to work out. I know it's going to be difficult but I think she will fight for me and help me when I need it. So please send some good thoughts our way.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Stick around brother, we've still got your back.

once again she is doing all the right things. only time will determine if She is able to continue. Grab ahold of something. you are about to embark on a mighty wild ride.

check out the reconciliation forum.

as always, sending you strength to get through these hard times. hoping for the best for you guys.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Time will tell.. Time is a good thing...
Sending you strength...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Best of luck SWAT. Your wife may have made a stupid decision when she decided to cheat, but confessing in front of all those wives was simply brilliant. It really convinced you to reconcile and that she was obviously remorseful.

She woke up and saw that she was in danger of losing her marriage and she really pulled the stops out. Going to make it much easier to R.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Fuckin A, brother. I love to here a success story.

There's going to still be a lot of hard work for both of you, but you have a real chance of making it.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your advice and experience. I just spent an hour watching my wife sleep. I have not done that in a while. She just looked so tired, but beautiful in my eyes.

My wife told me she is ashamed of what she did and how she hurt me. She decided to tell the wives so I would not have any issues at work and to squash any rumors that may have started. My wife also wanted to apologize to my partners husband. She said that she never really believed I slept with her and is sorry for any distress it caused in her relationship.

The wife said that we still have a lot to talk about, but she has not hidden or lied about anything that happened during her affair. (Just typing that word.. )

I will be around. Hopefully posting in reconciliation and general. I expect a bumpy ride. I am hopeful and scared at the same time. I read all of the correspondences between them and she never said ILY to OM and never indicated she wanted to leave me. That and how she has acted and her admissions to family and friends gives me hope.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

**fingers crossed for you**


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Wow! Her admission to the other spouses is huge.

I agree though, strap on to something substantial because it will be a bumpy ride.

Perhaps you can brush up on the stages of grief. You will most certainly go through them. Try not to skip a step...it will not bode well for you.

I really love LOVE. I am hoping a praying that you two can work through your pain and she gets better at understanding what caused her to stray...

Just know that the old marriage is dead. Let it go. Build another one! And have fun doing it.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

I am happy you have made a decision. Just want to point out a potential issue.

Well I got home this morning , slight hangover. Seems WW is a little angry with me this morning. WW followed me to my room and asked me why I didn't come home last night. My only reply was that she knew why. LODD are rough and funerals of fallen police officers are important and very emotional. Sometimes there is excessive drinking so I stayed in a hotel since I would not drive dunk and it was three hours away. I told WW she knew this. It was in my message to her before I left. Apparently she feels I should have been home. She needed to be reassured I was alright and wanted to be with our family.

Your wife should have told you right then OM called and said you were cheating. Her first instinct was to not trust you and to simmer with anger. This is a major problem. She doesn't tell you what is going on in her mind, especially when someone plants ideas. Until she can deal with her lack of trust in you, and not speaking up right away with an issue to clear the air, you will continue to have problems in your M.

This really needs to be worked out. Once you settle into R, and everything seems to be working this may come back to bite you if you don't work out how to deal with her insecurity and mistrust.

I am sorry I came late to your thread and just wanted to draw you attention to this, as it seems to have been glossed over.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:55 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

Good news.
But SWAT… what you have just posted is akin to telling us you and wife have decided to run a marathon… The decision might be there but you two have a lot of training, preparation and running ahead of you. At times you might have to pull the wagon, at times she has to do it and at times you run side-by-side.
But all good things start with a decision, and I’m happy for you because I sensed that this is what you really wanted.

I want to leave you with one final thought or idea.
Every now and then… maybe once a week while you drive to work or do the long jog… take time to evaluate the information you have, assess the situation, decide what to do and implement your decision… Never let your guard down because basically all you and W have decided is to start a long and hard journey. You need relatively constant progress and movement to reach your destination.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

So I have decided to commute to the academy for the duration of the class I'm teaching. The wife and I decided it would be best if I moved back into our bedroom. I did tell her that I'm going to still need some alone time and she would to.

I told her one of my biggest problems right now is her inability to tell me things that are bothering her right away. Momentintime hit the nail on the head. She said she understood and would talk to her IC about it.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

She told your partner's husband that she never *really* thought his wife was having an affair with you, her husband?

Um..what?

Isn't that why she chose to cheat on you? Because she believed you were having an affair?

So..if she didn't *really* believe that..then why did she cheat?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Confused, I questioned the same thing. Her answer was she was selfish, depressed, and resented me at the time. She said she "allowed and then encouraged" herself to believe I was cheating. She said that she never "really" believed it, but it allowed her to cheat. It confuses me, but we are trying to work it out. She said the resentment came from me working so much and the shift work. She knows all of the work was for the family, but I was gone a lot. Kind of made her feel like a single parent I guess.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday)

Before you go back to the marital bed... you and your wife have BOTH had STD checks, right?

Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Yes we did. That was one of the first things done after d-day.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 11th (Friday)

So glad she is showing true remorse. Get some books on communication and building intimacy (Hold Me Tight is highly reccomended though I havent gotten to it yet.) Also Not Just Friends as well as How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. Read a chapter or two at a time together and discuss. You can bond and learn as you compare feelings and reactions to what you read. Get ready for hyper bonding. Lots of sex is probably coming your way. It's normal at this stage. The best thing you can do as you reconcile is to be determined to build the strongest most intimate, best communicating marriage you can. You won't be sorry if you do that. I can say I am in the best marriage I ever thought possible now and it is because of focus and commitment. Above all else communicate, communicate, communicate. And let her comfort you when your heart is hurting. It will for quite a while. There's no quick way to get over this kind of pain. Good luck to you both.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 452 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, April 11th (Friday)

Whoa! To put herself out like that in front of all the others? Swat, I'm so happy. Dude, that's as close to real remorse as I can see. Now you got something to work with.
Bumpy ride, lots of work, sure. No doubt. Still, real remorse provides all the raw materials you need to build a new M.
I'm excited for you.

We have a Wayward forum - if you get to the time you're comfortable with the idea - she would find lots of help there.

Swat)))


Posts: 6684 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Update with too much information.

Ok. So I posted in another thread the other day about me not having mind movies and how me and my wife being intimate again did not go so well that night. I got some sage advise and had a long talk with the wife last night. I'm paraphrasing a lot here so cut me some slack. The conversation creeped me out.

The whole submissive thing my wife has going on is kind of romance novelish. It appears that the wife started living a mild form of BDSM lifestyle in her late teens early twenties. She said she likes to be "forced" to do things. She said that she didn't like pain and anything she just feels she needs to be made to do things. Nothing extreme just being "dominated".
I had to tell her this confused the hell outta me. The wife had
several pages of information and photos. Thank god she got it off the Internet and they were not her. I do understand she has feelings and needs and while what she showed me is not something I understand at this point, I am trying to get it. While I'm a type A personality at work and my everyday life, it isn't something I considered to be in the bedroom and at home. I was raised to respect women and treat them gently. Blame that one on my mom. My wife has always known how I act and treat people and she loves me for it. She said she just needed more and was afraid to ask me because she was afraid I would react poorly. That one hurt. I would never have done anything to hurt her and I believe that I'm one of the most level headed people I know. I would have done anything for her, she only had to ask. To be honest she does get it and how I'm feeling. She again apologized and took responsibility for what she has done. At one point a while back she said it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't OM and she had ended their dating relationship due to him being "deviant". At the time I didn't think to question that further. After reading everything my wife gave me I understand the terminology so here it goes. OM thinks of himself as a strong dominant. He and my wife did have a relationship in the past and it involved that lifestyle. During the affair he did lie and manipulate my wife to an extent. I know she chose to do it but he was persuasive. Prior to the affair my wife said she kind of slipped into her sub role and just went with it. She is not using that as an excuse she was just explaining her thoughts. OM was telling her all of his lies and played on her sub nature and insecurities. The wife said she was foggy and justified her actions to herself and engaged in the affair. She swears there were only three sexual encounters and only the last time involved full sex. My wife said the encounters were of a Dom/sub nature and she does not have feelings for OM. She said she had ended their prior relationship due to OM being increasingly abusive in his nature and pushing for sexual things she did not want and she did not love him.

There was one more point that hurt. She had the affair with OM because she felt comfortable having that type of relationship with him due to their history. God that one hurts.

Sorry for the novel and TMI. But we are trying to R and everyone has given me such great advice and support. I felt there were a lot of you who needed to know where we were at.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I would say that a lot of WS's look for a relationship in their A that is as far from the context of real life as possible..I am willing to bet that once your WW reexamines her life and her marriage with you, she is gonna appreciate you for who you are..
She isn't gonna want to have any thing to do with BDSM..
She is likely grasping at straws to find justification for her A...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I agree with the above post. Your wife's story has... evolved many times since you first found out.

This is more justification.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I'm not necessarily sure her story is evolving as much as she has actually opened up about some things. I maybe wrong but there really isn't a whole lot I can do to change things. While it is wrong in these circumstances my personal experience has shown all people want to justify their actions.

I'll compare it to my job. People will commit crimes all of the time and they always have an excuse. Doesn't matter what the crime is they can and do try to justify it. When it happens I don't care they get arrested. The rest is up to the court to decide. They get punished, be it jail, a fine or any other alternative sentence.

My wife had her affair(crime) and she was arrested (discovered). Now she has to face her sentence. She knows I need her to be honest and open with me. She has tried and is doing well in my opinion. I know she is and probably will continue to present what she did in as positive (to her) point of view as possible. . We have decided to try and R, so I ask what choice do I have?

She has put herself out there. She has admitted what she did and is making an honest attempt to fix her issues. Are there guarantees, absolutely not. Her and her family all know what happened and she is not shying away from it. She has humbled herself to just about everyone I know and has asked for a second chance. I have decided to give her one. I will compare it to probation. She does what she has to do and doesn't break my laws and everything will be fine. She doesn't comply and she faces the punishment. She knows there will be no more chances after this.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

Is she saying that those "desires" of hers have been dormant all these years until recently?

Were pics or video taken during her "encounters" with the OM?

You really need to educate yourself on the BDSM lifestyle!!

Good luck!


Posts: 1546 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

Your point well taken about justifications, paying for the crime, forgiveness, and second chances...I do understand what you are saying..
The point that I was making was that none of this A behavior of your WW's has anything to do with who you are and what you did and didn't do in your marriage..Nothing to do with your personality..When your WW gave you her flawed reasoning for her behavior she may or may not have realized that she was barking up the wrong tree..
Once your WW (and you to some extent) learn this, R will be of a much better quality..
At that point in time when your WW told you about the OM , the dominant behavior, why the A continued, etc, she was showing you that she still didn't quite get it..She has miles to go to reexamine her life and learn her whys..
The fact that she wants to is a good sign..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:09 AM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Toby. I am trying to understand it. Don't forget I just learned about this. Thanks for making sure I have something else to stress about. Now I have to wonder if she is one the Internet somewhere. Thanks for that.

Doggie. I understand what your saying. Maybe I'm not explaining myself properly. She is not giving me excuses per se. She admits this is all on her and her flawed logic and her selfishness. She knows I am hurt and she did that to me. She is not defending her actions and has not blamed me since I confronted her and I believe that was her shocked reaction and she was rationalizing her cheating as revenge, because that was her way of excusing her affair in the first place. People have pointed out her actions were not consistent with a BS and she knows this. She readily admits she was lying to herself and me to justify her actions.

In general my wife is kind of a "wall flower". While she is a stunning woman she is quiet and actually a little shy. She has expressed some self esteem issues from past abuse, but isn't using them as an excuse. Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm posting a lot of what we are discussing and am probably doing a bad job of it. It's just that you all are my sounding board. I have no siblings and my mother has passed on. My best friend in the world is her brother, and he is not someone I can discuss this with. I have lots of friends at work, but it's just not appropriate ya know.

I just don't know what to do anymore.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Last thing I wanted to do was to stressed you out anymore than you are already. I'm just blunt when I post.

Listen SWAT, I've been at this a long time. And one thing that I've learned (the hard way) is that trickle truth is almost "a given" after discovery. What I'm saying is this...WS's lie!!! What I would hate is for you to continue on with your reconciliation and then have something significant surface! It happened to me!! If it doesnt happen to you.... Super!! You'll be the first that I've ever read here!

In my case, after 8 years into my R and continued TT, I demanded a poly! She passed, but not before some last minute "truths" on the way to the exam. We're good now. You and yours can be also!


Posts: 1546 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Swat,

Now I have to wonder if she is one the Internet somewhere.

Ask. Hopefully you will get the truth. She was open about the sexual desires right? Might not have happened, but the little I know of Dom's is that photos/videos are part of the game. Hope not though.

I'm actually hopeful for you guys. It doesn't happen often, but every so often, a WW comes along who is immediately remorseful. Yours has seemed to be one such. The only thing that will show you that is a much hated word around here....Time. The generally accepted timeframe is 2-5 years(sorry). It's a rollercoaster.

asked for a second chance. I have decided to give her one. I will compare it to probation.

Bingo.

Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm posting a lot of what we are discussing and am probably doing a bad job of it.

Nope, doing pretty damn well. Remember, you're the one *on the spot*. You've got incident command, take the advice you need and leave the rest.


Strength Brother


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I just blurted out that I forgave her and wanted to try and work everything out. Wife just fell to the floor crying and saying thank you.

OK, this is progress. Each of you have committed to R.

Nevertheless, there are still 3 separate and distinct healings that need to occur for R to be successful:
1. BS (IC may be helpful)
2. WS (IC may be helpful)
3. M (MC may be helpful)

wife started living a mild form of BDSM lifestyle in her late teens early twenties. She said she likes to be "forced" to do things. She said that she didn't like pain and anything she just feels she needs to be made to do things. Nothing extreme just being "dominated".

While it's wonderful that she's being honest about her needs now, maybe you are too raw to handle this all immediately. For example, if a male wayward's primary complaint or "reason" for affair was sexual, we'd advise the BW that pre-A sexual problems can be tabled until she felt safe and secure in the M.

So, SWAT, one step at a time. Healing takes time, but you are making much forward progress!

[This message edited by IWantDoOver at 2:29 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Just wondering if her contrition isn't part of her submissive role as punishment. I'm not sure how all that works but I can see how it would get confusing


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
toby
Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Just wondering if her contrition isn't part of her submissive role as punishment. I'm not sure how all that works but I can see how it would get confusing

Exactly!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^

Posts: 1546 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 13th (Sunday)


Posted: 3:11 PM, April 13th (Sunday)
Just wondering if her contrition isn't part of her submissive role as punishment. I'm not sure how all that works but I can see how it would get confusing

Exactly!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^
Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas


So what your saying is she isn't really sorry. She is just punishing herself and taking me along for the ride because she is submissive.

Well I guess I'm f'ed then. Maybe we are done I don't know. I guess only time will tell.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Now I'm confused. I thought maybe things could work out but I guess maybe things aren't what they seem. Maybe your right and this is all a waste of time. Maybe she is punishing herself and it will all fall apart. I'll have to talk with WW tonight and maybe staying S is the best thing for now.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

It's called the R rollercoaster for a reason.

I'll have to talk with WW tonight and maybe staying S is the best thing for now.

Sleep on it.

Are your familiar with the H.A.L.T. acronym?
My IC advised me never to make a life-altering decision when I'm
Hungy
Angry
Lonely
Tired


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Gently here SWAT. I find it difficult to post to your wife's latest revelation regarding the BDSM stuff because I don't fully understand it myself which is why I haven't commented. But I do want to say this... don't jump to conclusions yet. I think other's here do not have a grasp on BDSM either. Be patient, watch, listen. This is still unfolding as you go. No need to jump to conclusions yet. Be observant.

In my past, an ltgf asked me to beat her while having sex. Not a BDSM thing but actually beat her. I'm fairly certain looking back that her father sexually abused her. I didn't understand it then, but over the years have been in long term relations with sexually abused women and had to deal with the effects of various forms of abuse. Not that your wife has been sexually abused. Just saying with time I began to understand the behavior behind the way my x used to think and why she was begging me to assault her (couldn't do it for more than a few seconds and I myself became traumatized by it). Awful. Crazy dark stuff and was one of the many reasons we didn't stay together.

Be patient SWAT. Gently bring it up to your wife if you want, but don't hang your hat on it just yet.

Pulling for you SWAT.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

SWAT, I've been following along like the rest, and only have what you've posted and my experience. WW's stray for reasons, mine probably not for the same as yours or as others, but I just don't see them changing over night when it's a deep seated issue.
I have no real knowledge about the dom/ sub lifestyle so I'm just wanting you to be careful, I'm just throwing out a few observations I see from an objective distance. Question everything, especially early on.
You seem like a great guy, decent, caring, and wanting to put the wheels back on. I'm a nice guy. You're a nice guy. Remember where guys like us usually end up!


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

I'm packing for work this week. Just got done talking with the wife. I'm just sick right now. I want this all to go away, I know it won't but a guy can dream can't he? I've have changed my mind I won't be commuting this week. I need some space and hopefully I'll make a decision or two. However much I want this to work. To many people have pointed out flaws in my thinking and what has likely happened. Right now I'm angry and hurt and I don't think much is going to change my mind. I can't really take much more and I hope my family can deal with this.
Maybe it is for the best if we D. I'm not sure I can handle this much longer. I like to think I'm a good guy but maybe I'm not. Maybe WW and the kids will be better off without me. Maybe she just needs to live her life and I'll live mine.

I'm five years from reaching retirement eligibility. If she doesn't want to mess with my pension maybe I should just walk. I thought I could read people but maybe in this case I'm wrong. It appears I really know nothing about my wife, since she couldn't tell me this s@it before. Hell for all I know she is the worlds best liar. I had hoped we could work it out but I keep getting the impression everyone(or at least quite a few of you) thinks she is lying or at least not being totally honest. I'm not sure I can tolerate any more information or truth at this point.



Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

Remember that you are still on the roller coaster and it's going to keep going for a while. Because of that you are in no place to say R or D at this point. Be kind to yourself SWAT. I know you are at wits end here. She may be completely telling the truth. Be patient. Watch, observe. Mostly take some time for yourself to get in a better head space. That's what you need to do. If that means not commuting for the week so be it.

We are not trying to infringe on your happiness. We are trying to look out for you. Personally I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, at this point it's still a little early for that. You don't have to make any life changing decisions right now. Especially when not being able to think clearly. Think R or D later. Think yourself and your kids for now.

How did that conversation with WW go? Doesn't sound like it went too well.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

SWAT -

I am going to focus on the BDSM dimension of your situation as it seems that is giving you some pause.

If you read my profile, you will see that my WW engaged in BDSM with her AP. She had never expressed or known that she had an interest in that. The AP, however, had and talked her into it.

From what I know (and I have read a lot of books, participated in fora, web sites, etc.) and experienced with her and other women, it is a matter of trust. That is, there is a strong trust that the submissive, or bottom, has in the dominant or top. Usually, the party who is in charge is really the submissive, not the dominant. The dominant is just how the submissive gets her/his "needs" met.

Her lack of feelings for the AP is a little bit at odds with her BDSM inclination. That is, usually people (especially women) do not engage in (any form of) BDSM unless there is a strong element of trust, which usually comes with love, admiration, respect, or some combination thereof. This is an area where I feel that your WW might not be 100% forthcoming when she says that there were no strong underlying feelings for the AP. And this is consistent with observation in my first post where I questioned whether your wife is so naive to have fallen for the AP's deception). Maybe she is minimizing her feelings for the AP. But again, this is an observation based on what I am reading in your posts. You may have formed a different conviction based on your direct interaction with your WW.


Everything will sound new now to you and somehow as if it does not pertain to your relationship with your WW. I remember for at least three months after DDay struggling to accept/internalize that my WW was interested in that lifestyle. Who was that woman, I kept asking myself. However, if you continue on the R journey, and when and if you can get past the initial connection of BDSM to the AP, then I would tell you that you might be in for a very fulfilling journey of discovery. You may want to explore your own interests in BDSM, share them with your WW and include them in your relationships, if she agrees. My WW and I have now created our own brand of BDSM, somehow far, more intimate, and deeper that the (relatively mild) one that she had been initiated to. I find her surrender very fulfilling as it makes me feel closer to her and she experiences the same. Again, it is not for everyone, but I would not discount it a priori.

One aspect you may want to clarify/explore with her is if she feels/wants the submissive role only in the bedroom or in all other aspects of your life together. It should not have to be degrading for her, as the "submission" should be evident and known only between the two of you.

I am not sure what else I can add at this point, but if you have any specific issue you want to discuss, hit me either as a reply or via PM.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 6:04 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, April 13th (Sunday)

It appears I really know nothing about my wife, since she couldn't tell me this s@it before.

TBH brother, embarrassing stuff for her to admit if she had you on a pedestal. IME, very few marriages are based on total complete honesty by both parties. I'll take your word for being completely open and honest with her, but really?

You don't need to make any decisions now brother. It's a great time for you to reassess who you really are and what you want out of life. Great time for her to be working on her and salvaging what she can. TBH, she does sound like she *gets* it. Unfortunately, it takes time to prove it.

Take your time. This is your decision. Expect it to change many, many times. It truly is a rollercoaster.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I think it become obvious that your wife had sex with the OM because she could. The invitation was there and she liked his brand of 'love-making' so she seized the opportunity. She generated some resentment to justify her decision, but all in all it was about wanting to get laid by someone she was attracted to. Meanwhile she had no intention of leaving her comfortable marriage.

She had precious little guilt and had no intention of confessing to you, which makes me think she might have gone back for the occasional dabble, as soon as she convinced the OM that this was causal and not to be taken seriously. Just sex.

Not much respect for you, but you need to accept the fact that your WW is rather a selfish person who loves you and the kids, but is not to be fully trusted because of this selfishness. If she wants something then why can't she have it? She understands she can't have a brand new BMW because of financial reasons, but she can have the OM with no repercussions as long as you didn't find out.

Currently she wants this horrible mess to go away hence her extreme efforts to display remorse. I wonder what her mindset will be when she realizes this isn't going to be instant; it will take years.

I think your WW has learned a lesson from this; just make sure she doesn't get complacent about the marriage; leave her unsettled and insecure about what her future holds. Will the marriage survive? Almost certainly, but don't let her know that.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Hey SWAT,

I know what I’m posting and suggesting is easier to say than to implement. I’m more or less suggesting you try to control you completely understandable and logical thoughts and replace them with something that really doesn’t make sense.

Sort of like your job…
What sensible and logical person goes TOWARDS a situation where you could meet a drugged, hyperactive homicidal maniac with nothing to lose and armed with a firearm? What sort of sane person walks willingly into such a situation if they have options to do something else?
Frankly SWAT – none.
What you do as a vocation really doesn’t make sense. Deliberately going into harm’s way… If we only apply self-centered and focused logic and sense… it breaks all the rules of logic and sense.

But you do it…
And you minimize the risk by training, equipment, precautions.
You prepare by overriding, controlling or focusing your fears. Unlike most people that would curl up in a ball if fired at you might be just as scared but you react differently. You react to your situation and your reactions impact the situation. If you impact it often enough and get results to your impacts… You get control.

And SWAT… that’s what you have to do now…

Look. If I continue comparing your marriage to a street-fight. Wondering on the whys and what’s right now… It’s like you and gunman share discussions about his troubled youth and abusive father while he is still taking pot-shots at you.
Unlike your job you CAN walk away from this fight. You can turn in your husband-badge. But… Like your job you can’t turn in your police-badge for one tough event and then reclaim it a couple of hours later because you have easier jobs…

Now – based solely on what YOU have posted – then I think your wife got taken by the OM. This does not in any way diminish her responsibility or diminish the affair. Affairs extremely seldom happen because WS and AP are “meant to be” “love at first sight” “destiny” yadayadacrap. Generally they take place because the WS is lacking something [Note I don’t say missing or needing – they are LACKING as in it being a need that they should be able to fulfill differently and in a “normal” acknowledged way]. It’s as if a person open for infidelity send signals that others in the same wave-length can receive. In your case it really sounds as if OM saw an opportunity with WW and really mined that gap. Once again – this does not diminish her responsibility in ANY way. BUT it can impact her willingness and ability to reconcile.

All this BDSM talk…
You have gotten some great advice on those issues (special accolades to yop [an apt name considering the subject…] and frankier)
There is a difference between being submissive and BDSM…
I could argue that your WW was submissive because that was what she needed to have sex with OM. That a) she needed him to be dominant in order to feel she had no choice or option other than comply b) she needed something completely different from you so she could carry on with it. But then – she might have a heavy bondage streak in her that the OM somehow managed to tap into. Who knows? But right now… that’s like the gunman telling you his father drowned his puppy…. It’s not really relative to the situation right now.

SWAT. This is a long-term project. There is no way you will get reasons, resolve or any form of real understanding right now. Your WW is just as messed up mentally right now as you are. You are both confused.
I can’t strongly enough encourage you two to find a pro-marriage MC and to start the work of channeling all this good, required communications you two seem to be having now into the correct paths.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I wish you could take a few days vacation and go to the the sea shore or someplace beautiful...
No internet, no kids, no wife just you and a quiet beach house for a few days..
I think a break from the overload of info and roller coaster of emotions would be soothing to a broken heart..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 14th (Monday)

What I meant earlier by your wife's story evolving is that her cheating started out as one thing, then turned into something different, and has now become BSDM. I said it was an evolution, others might call it a lie.

What I do know is there is a fair amount of trickle truth that comes out in the beginning, even by the most honest waywards. Everyone has a self-preservation mode and, from years of being here and reading many thousands of stories, waywards minimize their involvement and only give up initially what is known.

Is your wife telling you the truth now (as opposed to the initial truth she told you when she admitted having an affair)? I don't know. Time will tell.

That is the other thing. Going by what is said here, affairs take 5 years to heal. That is a long hard road with many bumps and hurtles. It isn't a 'forget about it' kind of thing. You are in the new and very raw part of this. You are on the roller coaster still. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle to you. A lot of things are going to change in your feelings between yesterday and today and maybe even right now and 10 minutes from now. Don't make any rash decisions. Get into counseling. Figure out what YOU want.

It doesn't seem like it, but it gets better. Its so hard in the start. Your world has crashed down around you and its hard to know what to rebuild first. We think its our relationship that needs rebuilding - but what we really need to do is save ourselves first. This is where that cliche about putting your own oxygen mask on first goes.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 14th (Monday)

Hi SWAT. Im sorry it seems to be getting worse.

Maybe I missed it...but why is she telling you(and showing you pics, articles,etc) about her interest in NOW?

Is it something you have been asking her about and encouraging her to talk about..including going to the trouble..and forethought...of gathering pics to show you what she is talking about?


I guess Im just wondering WHY this seems to have become necessary to talk about now. She had an affair. But the focus has turned to the type of sex she had with OM.

This just strikes me as a compete load of crap.


Correct me if Im wrong..but is she wanting you to have sex with her the way OM did?


Also...her outting her affair to the other wives? I see that as self serving. You were not there when she told them..you came in at the end of her speech, or whatever. I think she told them what OM did...and put the majority of the blame on him..yes she admitted she fell for it...but it's still his fault..KWIM? And the rumors were already flying. So everyone knew..or was going to hear..anyway. She had nothing to lose by telling them...and had a chance to spin things in her favor.


I don't know. Something just seems off here. Im really bothered by her wanting you to have sex with her the way the OM did. I get having certain sexual kinks...but this is just too far, IMO.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:53 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 14th (Monday)

In your case it really sounds as if OM saw an opportunity with WW and really mined that gap.

Affairs and the people who conduct them manipulate. Even your wife. Even if the OM was the most vile human on the force, she went there. It is her responsibility to be an adult and whole person. She chose to embrace fear and infidelity. Is she a smart capable women in other areas of her life? She isn't a lamb led to the slaughter, she had options and choices. She made them.

I do think that being at a weak point in your life is a topic worth discussion/investigation. But often it is used to mitigate actions and buffer consequences. Don't go there. You are not her caretaker. She is.

Another thing that is bugging me here is-

I walked in and found my wife talking to 10 other wives. My wife was happy to see me and ran up and hugged me. She whispered she was sorry and had asked them over so she could get some information. One of the wives is my attorney. Wife asked what she needed to do and they all rallied around her and where talking to her. My wife had told my attorney to draft an agreement for her. She wants nothing to from me if we divorce. She doesn't want anything except child support and 50/50 custody. She doesn't want to divorce, but if I did she wanted me to know this.
I just blurted out that I forgave her and wanted to try and work everything out. Wife just fell to the floor crying and saying thank you. The other wives left and we talked

This is an ambush. What if you didn't want her speaking to your lawyer? What if you preferred to handle things more privately?

She made the decision without you, put you on the spot in front of an audience and dramatically fell to the floor?

She did this for you? It seems soap opera dramatic and over the top. Attention seeking.
I will be the first to admit that the cynic in me is pinging hardcore.

If it was a grand gesture made of an insecure mind, so be it. But time to get on the same page. She doesn't make decisions that have an effect on your lives without consulting you in this process.

She may be unburdening herself and being honest about the sub thing as well. That happens at this stage. A whole lot of important flotsam and jetsom gets in the mix. It doesn't mean it is not important to you as a couple, but you both have to get in the triage mode.

Most important life threatening issues first. I think you need to make some decision on what you want R to look like. What your expectations and boundaries will be. And then discuss them with her and see where you are headed.



I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 14th (Monday)

SWAT,
I think you've got a pretty good handle on everything at this point, although I know you think you don't. You probably think you're all screwed up. You know what, you're supposed to be at the point.
I've seen a lot men come across this site over the years, and most seem like like great guys. Guys that adore their wives. Guys that would give everything and anything to their spouse.
I truly think, for some women, that does contribute to the affair. I'm not sure if it comes across as a sign weakness, or more likely as a signal that they have won another battle. These types of women aren't so much looking for a commitment as they are a conquest. We've all known women (excuse me ladies, I'm sure there are men that fit this too) that if they don't have a soap opera going on in their lives, they'll go find one. They would repeatedly exhibit bad judgement or bad behavior to cause it. They thrive on the emotional turmoil because it gives them center of attention, which in turn, they perceive as control. And it IS control if you are trying to fix their problems.
I'm not even saying it's a conscience manipulation, but a learned coping defense for what ever the underlining reason is. Looking back, I remember the look on my WW's face when I wanted to leave a party early, she had to be the last to leave. It was a look of compulsion. It was her grasping for some sort of control.
Breaking that cycle is the key, because they will fight everybody to avoid having to face their demons. I'm thinking this may apply to your WW.
I hope some of this makes sense.

Take time to do something against your nature. Be selfish for a while. Do what SWAT wants. You don't need to answer to anybody. A little " my givashit is broke" attitude does wonders to clear the head.

[This message edited by twisted at 11:13 AM, April 14th (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Swat,

It seems like YOUR needs so far aren't being addressed in this whole mess. So far all I can see is that she messed up and now YOU are the one listening to her, she is the one getting to go on about what SHE was lacking. You are the one screwed over nine ways to Sunday here, but somehow this has turned into you attentively seeking out her desires, reasons, hidden sexual preferences, etc.

What about you?

I think most spouses who cheat obviously do it for some sort of sexual, purely sexual, reason. There may be other components, like emotions, involved, but the sexual attraction is the sexual attraction. She's not special in this. It's not special that she liked the sex because they had a bdsm history, the same as another WS would not be special because their AP attracted them due to XYZ reason (insert attraction/sexual preference here). If you want to understand it, that's up to you. But don't let it distract you, and I hope to all that is holy that you do not feel this was a good reason for her behavior or that you somehow weren't fulfilling her and caused this. She should have spoken up!!! It doesn't even sound like she's into anything that extreme, heck I'm probably more "submissive" than her and I wouldn't consider it bdsm, but whatever. If she is bdsm, it sounds like she is on the vanilla end of the scale, and this was not some off the charts kink that a husband would have found impossible to fulfill.


There is a scene in the movie Unfaithful that portrays the "he coerced/forced me" fantasy/excuse in an obvious way. The WW does little to stop the attention of the OM and forward motion of the A that is leading up to a PA, except utter a few weak statements about knowing it's wrong. When they actually end up in bed together, again she meekly and insincerely ACTS like she is unsure of whether to do the deed. Her and OM decide in an instant that she will slap him a few times, that way she can *tell herself* (Pretend!) that she was forced and therefore bears no responsibility for what she is doing against her BH.
See what I'm saying here.

In any case, just be aware of your own needs during this terrible time. You are doing great btw, honestly you are. If, god forbid, this M does not make it, I think you will be able to say you applied everything you had to it. Hang in there.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I've been on edge the last couple of days and don't even really know why. Yesterday told WW I was in a bad place and didn't want to talk about her A for awhile. She said she understood. I told her I would be spending a few nights at a hotel near the academy this week, but would be calling to talk to the kids. She accepted this but I could tell she wasn't happy.

I'll be talking two weeks vacation next month. Going to the police memorial week in DC. Then I'm going to our west to visit and old friend from my army days. WW is not invited. She was upset with this since I usually sell back to two weeks of vac to have some extra cash for the family summer vacation. She is also upset because I had always wanted to go to the memorial and she always said she wanted to go as well. To be honest I'm not all that upset her feelings are hurt.

She seems to think we can get past this quickly but I realize that isn't going to happen. We had planned on going to OC Maryland and Bar Harbor Maine for my two weeks vacation this summer. WW says she is concerned we won't be going. She has no idea I'm getting a workers comp settlement and the lawsuit against suspect from my injury. My hearings were right after d-day and she didn't know about them. I've got the money for all of the vacations and then some.

I talked to my in laws last night and they are very happy I want to at least try to R. BIL told me to take some time for myself since he could see this shit storm was really messing me up. I told them my plans for next month. They all agreed to keep an eye on my family and make sure they were alright. I broke down for a bit but they were really great. FIL is tough old bastard though. Told me to stand up straight and fix my shit. Told me I'm a good man, husband and father. FIL said his daughter was a "f'ing dumb a$$" and she needed to fix her own shit. MIL cried but agreed with him. They all agreed I was in a tough spot and would always love and support me as best they could.

Well at least I'm at work and training recruits is fun. Not sure to many of the appreciate me right now since defensive tactics and officer survival are pretty physically intensive classes. I just love the making them go through the "Circle of doom". Young pups should be in better shape. By the end of this week they will be.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 14th (Monday)

Also got an email from my lawyer. WW did sign documents waiving any rights to my pension and spousal support. Kind of like a post nup I think. If we split she can have the house since it was in her family before we married. If it doesn't work out I just want to be able to see my kids...oh and my new truck, I want to keep that.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 14th (Monday)

I'll be talking two weeks vacation next month. Going to the police memorial week in DC. Then I'm going to our west to visit and old friend from my army days. WW is not invited

This sounds like an excellent idea. Hopefully you will gain some perspective. Plus, there is no doubt you need a break, infidelity is a trauma in every sense of the word.

Focus on yourself and relaxing while you are gone. Someone wise once told me this during my problems with my ex WH (nobody knows about my problems with my current WH):

love yourself and treat yourself like you are your own child. All the gentleness and love you would give toward your child during something like this, give to yourself.

here's another one of my personal favorites that has gotten me through a lot (it's kind of my definition of god):

When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe one of two things will happen: either there will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or you will be taught how to fly.

You will be okay SWAT!

Okay, end of my sappy mood and sayings!


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

The biggest threat to your marriage may very well be your wife's intolerance. She is going to expect you to 'put this all behind you' and move on with life, especially with three kids to raise.

As the months pass and you emotionally withdraw to some extent, anger may set in followed by demands you get your act together and accept what has happened. It was only sex and you set the stage to some extent by your 'neglect'.

If the OM re-enters the picture, I'm not sure your now irritated wife won't re-ignite the dormant affair. She has something of the 'spoiled brat' persona, and seems to be lacking true remorse, so I wonder if she has the maturity to accept your temporary rejection and knuckle down for the long haul.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Ok now has a very good point..
That kind of WS attitude was what killed my feelings for my WH..
Not to imply that your WW has the same attitude, but to be forewarned is to be better prepared to anticipate the bumps that may appear as you make your journey into R..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

In many ways she acts like some sinner who haas just bee n to the tent revival meeting, seen the error of her ways, confessed in front of the assembled crowd and begged in public for forgiveness. The emotion of the event carried her away, but you can't help but wonder how sincere or long lasting this change of heart will be.

I think you are doing the right thing now by backing off and doing your surveillance.

Confession and contrition doesn't mean the sinning never occurred. Nor does it entitle her to a "get out of jail free" card.

Your main obligation is to you and you're doing the right thing.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Well got a couple of texts from MIL. My wife dropped them off so she could go to her doctors appointment. Seems the kids were not being little angels. I called and told her to tell my wife I'll be home tonight to see the kids. I have an IC appointment later today so I'm leave work early and I'll take them all to dinner.

MIL asked about my planned trip and offered to watch the kids if I wanted to take W. I told her I no and I wouldn't be taking her with me. I kind of went on a rant. Told MIL that when I was injured it was police week last year. W was off with OM and I as close to being added to the wall this year. I was laying in a hospital with my arms, face, head and stomach cut up. You could see my teeth, skull and intestines. She was in some hotel two hours away and could not be reached. She did not even care enough to have her cell phone on. She came to the hospital twelve hours after I arrived. Twelve fucking hours!! So NO I don't want her going with me. I've known people on that wall and I know another name that will be added next year. I was very close to being on that wall. I know I'm lucky to still be here and it is always a possibility l could still end up on that wall. I want and need to see that memorial. I can't really explain why. I just HAVE to. MIL said she was sorry she upset me. I explained it wasn't her. I have been hurt and was sad before, but now I'm just angry. MIL said I have nothing to apologize for. God I love that woman.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)

when I was injured it was police week last year. W was off with OM and I as close to being added to the wall this year. I was laying in a hospital with my arms, face, head and stomach cut up. You could see my teeth, skull and intestines. She was in some hotel two hours away and could not be reached. She did not even care enough to have her cell phone on. She came to the hospital twelve hours after I arrived. Twelve fucking hours!!

Wow that is sad. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. You're right, that is not love the way she treated you. That's not love.

Take your vacation Swat, you owe nobody anything, your fidelity credit balance is in the black. And don't feel guilty about leaving the kids for two weeks. They may not be angels the entire time but eh, they're kids, so what. It will be fine.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Has your WW explained why it took 12 hours to see you in hospital? Surely she wasn't with the OM all that time.

Which brings up another point, how long did she and the OM have sex for while you lay close to death in the hospital? How many times? The more you reveal about your wife the more I question her truthfulness, dedication and loyalty to your marriage. Sure we have seen flashy remorse, full of drama and emotion, and an audience of 10 wives that this drama queen could appeal to. True remorse? I don't think so.

As per my last post. I suspect she does not have the patience for a long drawn out reconciliation.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I have to agree with OK now...I don't mean to pass judgement, I am just stating a fact..To be with this woman you will have to be on your guard for many years to come..Just something to be factored in your decisions in moving forward with your life..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

So I saw my IC today. She said that she could tell I was highly agitated today. Well I went off and questioned everything I know or thought I knew to this point. Apparently I have been really holding a grudge over the time it took her to get to the hospital. Gosh I wonder why? IC told me I did need to take time for myself and thought getting away for a couple of weeks was an excellent idea. She also said that it is obvious I want and need some more answers from my wife. It's kind of funny I get home and check this thread and y'all say the same thing or
at least voiced my same questions.

So I took the family out to dinner and we dropped the kids at the in laws for awhile. The wife and I went home and had it out. I'm actually proud yet upset with myself. I told her everything that was bothering me in a fairly rational manner. I told her how I didn't believe the whole sub thing and that I really don't believe she loves me. She sure hasn't shown it. I also told her that I'm sick of her making decisions for me, which to be honest is something that she has always done.

What I am not proud of is now I acted when I asks her why it took her so long to come to the hospital. I will say this my wife didn't act like a drama queen at least. She apologized for everything that had happened and said it wasn't my fault. She then proceeded to tell me about that night. Apparently OM had set the whole night up. I was supposed to be working my regular shift which at the time was eight hours and there was going to be OT after my shift. I always work the OT overnights so I would have worked a double shift. OM and WW made a date night out of it. They went to dinner and for drinks then went to the hotel. She said they went out of town so no one would see them. WW hired a babysitter and told her to call the in laws if there was an emergency. WW didn't want any reminders of me so she turned off her cell phone. Apparently after about eight or nine hours she decided to check her messages. Then her phone blew up.

OM and WW panicked and did not know what to do. OM drive WW back to where her car was parked and she called the babysitter and asked to met her for the kids. WW said she made up an excuse about visiting her grandmother who lives out of town and told the kids to say they where with her. DD said why and WW said because daddy is really hurt and didn't want anything to upset me. WW said one of the people who had texted her kept sending text messages which said I was getting progressively worse. WW was not making any excuses she just laid it one the line. I was injured fifteen minutes into my shift and she had already turned off her phone. She had no idea I had been hurt and by the time she found out and they drive back it was almost twelve hours. I asked her why she really turned off her phone because she knows I am not a person who calls or texts a lot and she knows I could have gone the entire night with out contacting her. WW said she knew about the OT and she was afraid I would call her and ask about working the OT. She thought if I didn't get an answer I would just work it and then she could have spent more time with OM. I called bs on that. She then admitted she had done some research on how to have an affair and mot get caught and she knew her phone had GPS.

Well I really lost it. She made my kids lie and she and OM planned this whole thing out days in advance. I called WW some not so nice names and managed to break the kitchen table. At which point I told WW that I almost feel like I hate her. I get waywards lie but Jesus...she did research on how to cheat.

WW again apologized and said she was sorry I'm hurt and would never do anything like this again. She sees how it has affected me and the kids. They know I'm upset and not getting along with WW. There used to be lots of hugs and kisses but not so much since d-day. According to WW the kids have noticed and have started asking questions.

I told her to not plan on any vacations this summer. I won't be going anywhere with her and if she wants to stay together she is going to have to prove it to me. She said she understood and wanted to work on the marriage. But thought I maybe punishing the kids by not going on vacation. I then said I was still taking vacations I just didn't plan on taking them with her. She cried a little bit but seemed to understand. So I'm back in the guest room for awhile it seems.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I also wanted to let y'all know that we have discussed OM and she has told me she now has no feelings for him. I have checked her phone records and computer so I really believe there has been and will not be any more contact. I think her family would disown her if she did. She has been on a sight similar to SI and I have seen this sight on her browser history. I have asked her to not read my posts at this time and I'm fairly certain she is not. I also noticed WW is looking very tired and mentioned to her I'm not the only one who needs a break from this mess. WW smiled and said her IC said the same thing. WW said she knows I'm hurt and angry and she was so selfish and disrespectful. She said "I messed up so bad. I know it and I don't deserve you. But I love you and hope and pray you will give me a second chance. I know that I let you down, but I promise you I won't ever let you down or disrespect you again." I have also done some research and checked out the wayward forum here. While it is painful to read I have seen a lot of people there trying and I can see a lot of what they say and do in my wife's actions and what she says to me. The roller coaster sure sucks, I've never felt so unsure of myself in my entire life.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Oknow. I did ask her about the sex. She said that night it was full sex. They did everything. The two previous encounters where oral by her only.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

SWAT, I really feel your pain and it seems its down to our old friend time to fix things again. At least the affair was about sex and not an EA as well.

Since it would seem there were multiple sex acts in the 8 hours she was screwing the OM I still question whether she was using condoms. Everyone hates the things anyway and when she was deep into sex as she was during the encounter with OM, there would be a literal heap of contraceptives by the side of the bed. Not very believable. Why would she lessen the intense excitement of the special encounter by putting horrible, sensation killing rubbers on.

Whatever, you need to find out why she thought so little of you to cheat on what you both say was a happy marriage. Presumably she wasn't going to confess; so one would presume she was quite happy carrying this dark secret into old age. Not very romantic or respectful is it?
Was the affair really over after the full sex encounter? Did she actually intend to go back for more some time in the future, had your accident not happened?

Keep asking questions until the TT'ing ends. You deserve the truth, and you need to keep digging for facts that make sense if reconciliation is to be successful. No more lies.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

I couldn't sleep. So I fixed the kitchen table which woke everyone up. My wife come down stairs and made a pot of coffee and just kissed my cheek. She went into the living room and sat down and got on her laptop. About twenty minutes later she walked up to me and handed me a letter.

"SWAT,
I just want you to know something. I made a very bad decision when I slept with OM. I regret hurting you and the kids. Most of all I'm upset I hurt myself. Your the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn't respect or cherish that. You will never know how sorry I am. I did what I did for selfish reasons and I allowed OM to say things about you I never really believed and I allowed myself to make you the scapegoat in my mind. I listened to another man tell me and write me things I never should have allowed him to say. I let another man make me feel good about myself and did not defend you or our relatinship. I allowed myself to want compliments and attention from another man when all I had to do was look at you and I knew I had everything I ever wanted or needed. I allowed another man to touch me. For these reasons and some you have probably thought about, I will never be able to make that up to you. But I can tell you I will regret my actions for as long as I live and I will try everyday until I die to show you how sorry and how special you really are.

I do not have any excuses and while it has been difficult I want you to know I have been completely honest with you.
It took me a while but I can see your pain and it hurts to know I caused it. While it is difficult and I know I have down played a lot of what happened before. I have and will not lie to you about this. I will admit it is painful to do this and I never wanted to hurt you. I honestly wish I had never done this and it makes me sick to think I did what I did. I understand that you need time and space to feel better. I understand that you really hate me now and you are struggling. I want you to know I will give you all the time and space you need. I truly love you with all of my heart and soul. You will always be my one, WW"



Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)

Ok now...I am sorry I missed your last post. I've asked a few times about condoms and she insists they used them. She is a liar and a cheat but way deep down I believe her. I know she wouldn't risk getting pregnant. WW had abuse issues in her previous marriage and her ex tried to get her pregnant while they were separating. When I found all of the text messages and emails with OM. He suggested she try to get pregnant so it would punish more. She did say no to that. Her last pregnancy was high risk and her doctor recomended she not get pregnant again. I have since gotten a vasectomy since she does not react well to most forms of birth control. I could be wrong but on this one I'm going to give her a pass. Oral sex is another matter and I haven't had the guts to ask.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

We all assume the pain of not knowing is the sole preserve of the unfortunate BS, but the WS suffers too.
1] Your WW will never be able to prove she would not have continued the affair if you had not found out.
2] She will never be able to prove that this was the only time she has ever cheated.
3] She will never be able to prove that the sex wasn't better with the OM and that protection was used for both oral and penetrative modes.

That must also be pretty mortifying for the WS to be sincere and truthful, yet not be believed. Part of the misery that affairs produce.

Best of luck SWAT with your reconciliation. That was a nice letter from your WW, who sounds as if she intends to be a FWW as soon as possible. The rest is up to the healing power of time.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

She knows about this site..and knows you're a member..and you're posting about her,etc?

And you think she hasn't read this thread?

I think you're wrong.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7756 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

confused615..I'm sure your right. She has probably read everything I've written on here. Not much I can do about it. I've seen her browser history and I know she has at least been on this sight and others like it several times. I'll admit I looked around for her a little bit on this site and others. I know she joined marriage builders. I don't know if she has posted anything on there or other sites. I guess I wimped out and I don't really want to know what she is posting or if she even is.

I lurked on this site for awhile before posting anything and I just read and got some advice. Maybe that is what she is doing. I actually believe she is mostly getting her advice from our SIL. SIL has some experience in counciling though her expertise is dealing with troubled youths. I'm also sure MIL has chimed in as well. Both are good women and are upset with my wife but they also want her to get her life straightened out.

After answering a PM I just remembered something in all of this mess. Wife's birthday is tommorrow. To be honest I almost forgot. Good thing my iPhone has a calendar with reminders. No plans for her b-day she's just getting her a card and gift from the kids. Probably a gift card for e-books, she is a reading junkie.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

OK now. I would like to thank you. You have gently held me and my wife accountable and been supportive. Your last post shows exactly how I feel. She ruined something that I thought was very special. She will never be able to remove the "taint" to that. I believe she is very sorry for what she choose to do and she is seeking her from family and her IC.

While I'm hating her one minute and loving her he next. I have to admire her strength. She is not stupid, she knows she let a lot of people down and they are looking at her differently. They still love her but they do not trust her and that is a bitter pill to swallow.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

SWAT - I've been following along and read your wife's letter. It sounds as if she is feeling the consequences and understands the ramifications of her actions. Very positive steps... although nothing eases the pain in the early stages.

I want for you to consider something - it was something that took me a while to learn in regard to all the "stuff" that took place between my wife and her AP.

It is SO easy to get caught up in the events of the affair. "OMG... they didn't use condoms!" "OMG... she didn't show up at the hospital for 12 hours!" "OMG.... they did it in THAT position!" "OMG.... in our bed!!"

The "OMGs" are never-ending. And they all hurt.

But you know what? This is what people do in affairs. People have unprotected sex. They fuck like rabbits. They try new things. They scheme and plan and do things not necessarily in a malicious way to hurt US, but rather to get more pleasure themselves [an important distinction].

This is hard to put into perspective when the trauma is still raw. But eventually you will come to the understanding that what actually happened is of far less consequence than what she is doing NOW. I say this because I want to encourage you to consider this as you move forward... and potentially toward reconciliation.

As your wife begins to understand more about what she did and shows genuine remorse there will come a time when you will need to move toward HER. And this will require you to put what happened between THEM to bed and allow new, pleasant memories of YOU to take root. For me, putting the affair into perspective (She had an affair... and you know what? People in affairs fuck - a lot!) allowed me to settle myself into a stronger, better marriage.

Hang in there. It's a tough ride but it seems that you may have a truly remorseful spouse. If it's going to work that is an essential ingredient.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)

It is SO easy to get caught up in the events of the affair. "OMG... they didn't use condoms!" "OMG... she didn't show up at the hospital for 12 hours!" "OMG.... they did it in THAT position!" "OMG.... in our bed!!"

The "OMGs" are never-ending. And they all hurt.

But you know what? This is what people do in affairs. People have unprotected sex. They fuck like rabbits. They try new things. They scheme and plan and do things not necessarily in a malicious way to hurt US, but rather to get more pleasure themselves [an important distinction].

LifeisCrazy's post really hit on some key points.

You are still very early in this disaster called infidelity, and you can't rush through it, but it can give you some comfort to think of the end game---because the two of you are definitely heading on the right path.

One of the things that I always try to point out, is that a remorseful spouse awakes to the fact that they betrayed themselves....which has to be the biggest betrayal of all(although it may not feel that way to us).

They debased themselves---and for what? To compromise all the good that they stood for? To have to fight themselves to feel equal in their relationship? To always wonder in the back of their minds of what their partner *really* thinks of them....only to struggle with an authentic answer?

The bottom line is that you are eventually going to have to accept what has happened as part of your past. And I can assure you that it gets easier. For example, I can remember as plain as day, the early times when I literally did not have the strength to ask the tough questions. I couldn't ask how many men, how many times, and what acts were performed. I thought I would just cease to exist if I heard the answers.

The truth is my WW slept with several men, several times, and did acts that were supposedly only for us, in our marriage. Our exclusivity is forever gone, and I can't change it. But I did have the option not to accept it, and leave my marriage. I eventually chose to stay...for several reasons....and one of those reasons being what I described earlier. My WW disgraced me, her children, but most importantly, herself. And she has to live with that, but she is proving to herself and to her family that a dark time in her life does not define who she normally was(and is again). Good people sometimes make very poor decisions....for various reasons.

It is how they handle themselves after their realization that shows their true character.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Yesterday was the wife's birthday. When I got home I gave the kids their gifts and cards for her. Watching them with her was a blast. DD gave the gift card, DS 5 gave her the flowers and the little guy gave her the card and a big sloppy kiss. Took them all to dinner cause the wife loves seafood. I believe a good time was had by all. After dinner and putting the kids to bed my wife wanted to talk for awhile. We actually just talked about day to day things with no talk of the affair and it was kind of nice.

Today I was done teaching at the academy and went out with the other instructors and recruits. They graduate in three weeks and they get to coast from here on out. When I got home I was kind of shocked. No kids and wife had made dinner. Candles, wine the works. She was dressed to kill to. I was a little shocked and she just said she wanted to thank me for giving her a second chance and for one of the best birthdays ever. I was stunned at this because it really wasn't anything special and I told her so. She said it was special because she realized what she could possibly lose. Well we ended up in the bedroom and dinner got really cold. This maybe the first time I ever ate cold chicken parm and loved it.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, April 18th (Friday)

Good! It is awesome to have a good day like yours happen..My prayers are that these kind of days will get more frequent as time passes..

I just read something earlier that has me thinking...

Remorse is good but remorse by itself doesn't guarantee that a partner can stay with his mate for life thru thick and thin..For some people the shame post A can be too much...

Remorse + Devotion are an unbeatable combination of qualities to have in a partner who is one's mate...

From what I am reading in your posts, your W seems to feel both of those ...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Nov 2011
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

I was just reading through this thread again. Kind to wish I felt the way I did on April 18.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

What a difference a month can make.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 336 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

You have learned a lot more about your WW since that day on April 18th and you are that much further down the rabbit hole. So be kind to yourself SWAT. You are on the roller coaster from hell and every day is going to be different. You still have had a lot going on in a very short amount of time. Embrace whatever you feel on that day that you are feeling it. Know that tomorrow you could still feel the same or something else completely different. It's going to be a while before you get off this ride.

Don't let your feelings at this point dictate what you think the outcome may be later. You will get there.

That said. I know what you mean. It's a much better place to feel good rather than feeling shitty or just down right blah. It's the pain talking. We are listening.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

A very wise man, maybe the philosopher C. Stengel or his student Y. Berra, once commented: "It ain't over till it's over".

You're in the top of the second in this serious game.

On the other hand, it looks like OM has been ejected. That's a positive. He got himself thrown out of the game by insane behavior.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Yep SWAT, huge difference in a months time. Even bigger after a year. The roller coaster is the only analogy that comes close to describing this ride.

I haven't commented on your other threads but, I keep up with you. My daughter is married to a police officer and I think of him every time I read your posts. He too, has earned a very good reputation by being a man of character and, I love that guy like I gave birth to him.

Since you seem to be a fixer, I genuinely believe that you are desperately wanting to stabilize this situation and, I get that. I'm a fixer too but, sometimes it doesn't serve us well in that in our knee jerk reaction to "fix" things, we are quick to forfeit things that would serve our own best interest. Please go slow SWAT. I've tried to read your WW's posts but, the immaturity she displays makes me recoil. In the immediate aftermath of dday, many of us BS's cling to the idea that there is hope in all the wreckage so we grab on to every positive word or behavior we think we hear or see. Right now, seems to me that she is telling you what you want/need to hear but, please be careful. She is nowhere near safe for you right now. While she says she understands things much better, her thinking is still not right yet.

Just be careful. Proceed with caution. Pay attention to the warning bells. You can't let her off the hook yet. She may be very sorry, remorseful, regretful...but, she still has SO much to learn before she will be a safe partner for you.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 762 | Registered: Apr 2013
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Just sending positive vibes your way. (((Swat)))


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
Topic Posts: 236