SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Fool me twice, shame on mew
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I'm back. A lot of you may say "I told you so". It's ok. Just say it. I know. My intuition has been naggingr me for the past two years. Tonight, I found conformation. I found this nicely folded up letter in his wallet, dated 12/24/13:

Dearest douche,

thank you for this wonderful gift. I am very happy...I couldn't wait to try it out. I have a lot of work to do. I need more practice and patience.

You are so amazing!!! You are the best present ever. Merry Christmas to you/us! <3 twatwaffle.

I'm surprisingly calm. Haven't confronted. Gonna sleep on it. I tool the note (he SAVED it, in his wallet) and hid it between my phone/phone case. Meeting friend for dinner now.

Oh, we have a 4 year old. She's the reason I hung on for so long. Hoping.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Oh, Foolme1, I'm so sorry. How awful. Out of curiosity, if you dont mind sharing, what did recovery look like the first time he cheated and you took him back? Was there counseling? Was there true remorse? Was there transparency, full disclosure, no contact with AP?
I hope you let him deal fully with the brunt of the consequences of his A and force him to move out. He is not your financial responsibility now. He made his bed. Now he should have to deal with the aftermath, an aftermath that will never come close to comparing with what you are going to be dealing with emotionally. Have you read from the healing library?
Please keep coming back here for support. We're here for you. Take care of yourself and please remember this is not about you or how good you are or how beautiful you are. It's about him. He is broken. Right now he doesn't deserve you.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry.

(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Ill have to respond tomorrow as I'm typing on my phone. I've decided to put this nicely folded note on the counter tomorrow before I leave for work, with my own note "so what did you get her?" I could care less if it gives him all day to come up with an excuse. I just want him to know what I found and that's it. Then calmly discuss how to co parent our daughter together and how we will be telling her hat daddy is leaving but he's not leaving her.

That's the hardest part. Our daughter. Daddy's girl.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry.

Your daughter is so young that she will adjust. It will be hard of course, I know she will be impacted, but she won't have many memories once she's older of life pre-co-parenting. And you can stand by her in this time and be her rock. I hope you find a great lawyer to get the best situation for you all.

Sending peace and strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Woke up shaking uncontrollably. Still haven't cried. Just anxiety attack USA. Can't even put makeup on without shaking


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

(((Foolme1))) Sit down. Take a deep slow breath, let it out even slower.

"Love is not love. Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove..."

You aren't losing love here - he doesn't know what love is... but someone out there does....


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Of course you are shaking with anxiety. I would be, too. Take care of yourself. Breath. Drink water. Make a Dr appt for yourself. After you confront him with that note, you might need meds. I'm so sorry for your pain.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry this happened to you again.
I too gave as second chance only to get knifed in the back again years later.

Do not give him the original letter. Make a copy.
He will destroy it and tell family and friends you are crazy and there was no letter.

Stay strong.

Oh, is the OW married?

Out her if she is.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 609 | Registered: Mar 2003
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I left her note (I don't want it. I took a pic of it though) with my note on top "so what did u get her?" I'm waiting for the hateful texts of how I snooped. Etc. I don't even care anymore. Now I'm just nauseous. Hoping I can keep food down


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I'm so sorry your WH has broken your heart again. How dare he! Please take care of yourself. Call out of work if you can't handle it. Sip on ice water. Hug your daughter. (((((Fooleme1)))))


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Foolme: We are here for you. You and your daugther deserve better then this. Take some time for yourself.

You have nothing to regret in trying to save your marriage. You acted honerably and in fulfillment to the vows you made. Your H is the fault here. How a spouse can be so selfish and sacrifice their family is beyond my understanding. I think that is why my own WW betrayal is so crushing because I could never even imagine hurting her or my children this way.

You keep us posted. We are all pulling for you.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Ok, I am at work now and I have some time. HOpefully I answer some questions.

When I was pregnant with our daughter, he cheated on me and left me on his own will. He had just gotten back from Iraq and claimd PTSD and that he just needed space. I found out shortly before out daughters birth that there was another woman for the past 6 months. We separated, reconciled, then separated again when he started another relationship with another woman. When our daughter was 1, I divorced him. A couple of months later, he showed up on my door step, crying practically, saying he made a huge mistake and he wanted a second chance. I gave in because of our duaghter. She deserved it. and if I didnt, i would have always wondered "what if". So, the first few weeks were bliss, we did marriage counseling, he was the ideal husband/boyfriend. Then, he texted me one more, a text htat did not make sense. Something along the lines of "I bet your picture is cuter with your messy hair". I immediatly logged in to his phone acct, and found a number that he was texting minutes before texting that to me. So I asked him what he was talkinga bout, and he said he was half asleep and must have texted me as part of his dream. Stupid me, I was determined to make this work, so I just shrugged it off. I did call the number and it was a female.

There were other instances too. Last may, I caught him text a female. She was talking about his cute butt, he was eating it up, they would meet for "study dates", I confronted him, and he denied anything happened, but me threatening to leave opened his eyes to what he has, blah blah blah. Again, I stayed. This girl that left teh note. I've ALWAYS had suspicions about her. He is in Nursing school. He doesn't work. the Militayr pays him to go to school. HE met her in nursing school. I've caught him texting her things like "Hey beautiful, sorry I didn't text back, I had my duaghter this weekend", like he had VISITATION with his daughter, not that he lives with her. In the back of my mind, I've always been suspeicious about her. I just so badly wanted this to work. for my duaghter. and because I just don't want to start all over.

He loses his military pay next month. I work a fulltime job and bring in $50k, so I AM OK financially. I DO NOT need him, HE NEEDS ME. and he pulls this shit. I have decided to start sleeping in my daughters room unitl our lease is up (May). I signed for a newer, nicer apartment yesterday, so in May, my daughter and I are moving. I donm't know where he is going. I will give him half of savings (thought a lot of you may disagree), because I can't just leave him homeless. Half of the savings is his anyways, from student loan refunds. I will give him that in May and wish him luck, bcause at the end of the day, we still have to be amicable and coparent together for the next 14 years. So, as nice as I may be, and hate it, I am doing this to benefit my daughter. She does not need to see us fighting, hating each other, or feel tension when we are near each other. ONce I give him the money and he moves out, he's on his own. I will not hold his hand and help him anymore.

I'm just shaking. I still haven't cried. I'm just exhausted.

***sorry for the spelling errors. I just don't even care today....


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

This note, although I know it does, I need to hear it too. This CLEARLY sounds like a relationship, not just a girl with a crush. "You are the best present"..."Merry Christmas to you/us". "Thank you for the gift". He got her a Christmas gift. He bought my gift on 12/23-i know this because my stepson and him left that night to go get it. My stepson would have told me if he was taken to her house. So, she dated this 12/24. Between the time he got me my gift and the time she wrote this letter, he did not disappear. So, he got her her gift before he got me my gift. I am checking my bank statement now. MY BANK STATEMENT. with MY money. So technically, ****I****** got her a Christmas gift.

we picked up my stepson on the 22nd from the airport. my ex was home, had not disappeared the entire time my stepson was here. So clearly, he was thinking about her christmas gift before he was thinking about mine.

[This message edited by Foolme1 at 9:29 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

You have a great plan for yourself in getting a new place for you and your DD. You just focus on the two of you and be good to yourself honey. You deserve so much better and you are still really young--you have a whole new life ahead of you. I know right now you're mourning and in shock and traumatized but the sun is going to come out for you again one day, I promise.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

You have nothing to regret in trying to save your marriage. You acted honerably and in fulfillment to the vows you made.

Remember this.

I'm glad you found a better apartment already for you and your DD. You will get through this and be stronger when you break free from his destruction. You sound like a terrific person and I know you'll have a better life in the future. Keep on keeping on!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

First text of the morning from him. I don't think he's found the note:

him: what's going on with you? You didn't say anything before you left yesterday and today

Me: crickets


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

More unimportant texts from him pretending he still hasn't seen teh note. So, after many more texts asking me what my problem is, I sent him this:

I've always had that nagging feeling that you just can't be trusted. this entire relationship, youve proven time and time again that you just cannot be trusted. From female A, female B, texts that you've accidently sent me, among others. i turned the other cheek hoping and praying that things would change. that you COULD be faithful. Then I received enough evidence to prove that yes, I was right. Your a liar and a cheater. I'm exhausted. And I'm done. I'm a GOOD woman. I have done so much for you. Held your hand through so much. I wasn't perfect, but I tried to be a good woman to you. Its never enough and I'm done struggling to be "enough". I'm done with a relationship that I know I will never trust. this is not what I want for my life, and its not what I want for dd. we've essentially turned in to my parents. You, cheating, flirting, lying and me, turning the other cheek, hoping and praying for a change that will never come. So that's "whats wrong" with me. trying to figure out how to lessen the blow to our sweet baby girl, who didn't deserve this. Who deserved a faithful daddy. That's my problem.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Damn Foolme ....can you write my texts to my WW? Way to go. You are young and I am sure a GOOD woman. Proud of you for standing up for yourself!!! You make that baby girl proud and she don't even know it. Someday she'll know a smart woman doesn't take that abuse. Victory today is yours...


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Thank you Justin. He still have not responded. I';m sure he will respond with something along the lines of "Talking to you is like talking to a child". That's his go to insult, always calling me a child, that I fight like a child, argue like a child, talk like a child, or don't talk at all, which is what child will do. I don't even care anymore.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

We all know who the child is in your relationship. The child is the one with no boundaries, no empathy for others, no self-control, selfish and entitled. He sounds like NPD, to the extreme. There's very little hope for those type of people. They have no heart.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 12:49 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Fool Me: Of course you care...that's why we're all here. Because we care so much about those that didn't care enough to protect us.

I have always been faithful. Even when dating as a younger man. Never cheated once. Always honorable. I know most here tell the same story. The reality is that the selfish ones don't have to be here because they have their fantasy messes to keep them warm....fools I say. (Exceptions to WS in other forum that are legitimately trying to repent....props to you).


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

He's responded:

"I have been faithful. Just because you act like your mom does not mean I act like your day. You can draw what ever conclusion you want. Some one gave me a pin. I have no use for a pin so I gave it to someone else they really liked it and thought I picked it out and bought it for them I did not. You can't just assume I'm cheating. I rearranged my life to try and work better with you. I stopped to home work at home to be with my family and you withdrew. The more I started being home and not doing homework you started doing more and more to not spend time with me and Dd as a family. Blam who you want for what you want but i quit everything to work on our family!

See this is what happens. We start to do good then you convince your self I'm cheating you pull away. I'm not doing the things you think I'm doing but you convince your self I am. Then you start to get over we start to get close something happens and you convince your self I'm cheating again then you pull away again. But the problem is I'm not cheating!!!

So I do believe you are exhausted of it but you are making most of it up in your head.

I live in a prison. I go to school I got to the hospital I got to the gym sometimes I go to J's and I go home. Home is my escape. You are my escape from prison. But your an emotional closed box. The only person I can escape with won't communicate with me. We can't agree on how to raise our child. That's a huge problem between us. We can't agree on our standards of livings. We can't agree in groceries. We can't agree on how to clean our cloths. I don't have any friends other than J and school friends. I don't flirt with people at school I'm nice to everyone some people take it as flirting but most just take it as me being nice. But generally girls leave me the hell alone!!! You find little things that are upsetting and your escalate them into huge deals and convince your self I'm being unfaithful. I'm not I'm home more than ever and I'm really present when I'm home for once. Your the absent one this time not me!"

End text.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Damn, he's good. That's just enough to be believable and something my stbx would say.
I'm so sorry hun. I hate this damned ride.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Sounds like the gaslighting being done is using "laughing" gas because I ain't buying it. Why would he keep a letter in the first place? Because he already did this before why wouldn't he be proactive and tell you about the pin and letter to begin with? Looks like duck, sounds like a duck, walks lie a duck....must be a duck. Just saying.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Justin and whiteflower,

His story makes not sense. Her letter says "I couldn't wait to try it out. I have a lot of work to do. I need more practice and patience". So, does she not know how to write with a pen? Or maybe he literally meant a pin...so does she need practice pinning this pin to her shirt???

And if it was nothing, why did he keep this note folded neatly in his wallet for 3 months?

I'm not buying it. and I don't want to go home. If I could have someone get my dd tongith, I would just rent a hotel to think and relax ALONE.

[This message edited by Foolme1 at 2:12 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

What are you still doing with this man??

He has cheated on you so many times. Its nothing short of abusive. He is a serial cheater

I really hope you get that apartment and file for divorce. You are so young, and have so many years ahead of you, and they should not be spent
with a man who doesn't respect you.

As to his response....well we all know its BS. Just the standard shit. There is NO QUESTION he cheated. She referenced "us" and "You are wonderful!!!". He SAVED the note and HID IT. In one breath he is denying cheating, yet in the same breath is giving excuses (for the "non cheating"?) --- you not being there, isolating yourself, being closed off, having friction. So transparent, so stupid, SO ABUSIVE

Have you checked his computer? I suspect he cheats online, via online dating sites, in addition to at school. That would be my guess. Uses his phone. Probably has lots of downtime at school to do so. Im curious what his phone/ pc would reveal. But not that it really matters. You have clear evidence.

If I were you, I wouldn't even respond. Is there somewhere you can stay until May 1? Will he leave?

HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE...too many years, too many chances. Even when your daughter's happiness is at stake.

Did you find anything in the bank account that could be the gift? (not that it really matters I suppose)

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 2:18 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2014
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Well sadly you have the WS who loves you but loves to love other people too. Thats it in a nutshell. And I am not saying it is romantic love, he loves you like a sibling or a parent, thats why this one is so hard for a BS to figure out cuz you have someone who is saying "I want to stay and I love you and I want to make it work" yet also continuously doing inappropriate things and cheating and manipulating and "blaming". Its the classic cake eater. These are the hardest to get rid of as they tell you one thing and do another. And then blame you.

So sadly the only way it stops is if you stop it. So I would cut him off, stop taking texts and emails and phone calls. Believe in you and stand firm. Its hard I know but it is the only way you will break free from this type.


Posts: 5669 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

ShiningAutumn....this was my breaking point with him. Its a shame it took THIS MUCH to be my breaking poitn. It should have been 2 years ago when I caughter him texting her saying "Hi Beautiful". I check hsi computer all the time. I try to find other email accts that he may have, because I know he does. I've checked his icloud acct, and there are pictures in there that i have never seen that I know he sends to other people, possibly her. Were already divorced, so no paperwork there. I signed my lease yesterday, in MY name only (And I have to say, I'm excited because they are considered luxury apartments EEK!!!!)so he has not rights to that apartment. He alwasy turns this around on me. ALWAYS. My bank account did'nt show anything. Mostly just two withdraawals, one for $60, the other for $100. So who knows what he spend it on (I know its him because I never keep cash on me).

REality bites, I didn't respond to him. His response to my non-response is that its nice having a serious conversations with a child. He knows that pisses me off, so he always resorts to calling me that. So sick and tired of his shit. I'm thinking about going to stya wiht an aunt for a few months until my lease is up. I will pack up my apartment (things I dont want him stealing), pay the retn (because lease is in my name), he can stay there, then I will move in to my new place when the lease is up here, and he can go his own way. I just worry about uprooting my duaghter.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

My bank account didn't show anything. Mostly just two withdraawals, one for $60, the other for $100

Foolme, I'm not sure if this means he can access your account or if it's joint. Either way, please consider separating your finances right away.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Never, it is a joint account, but I am already working on separating our finances today.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

His story doesn't jive with me either.

But regardless, you've been through enough. You said it yourself.

I'm done with a relationship that I know I will never trust. this is not what I want for my life, and its not what I want for dd.

You don't need hard proof, you don't need to stay in a marriage where you have been cheated on so many times. You do know that your life will be better without this man in it. I think all of the proven cheating has allowed you to distance yourself to a point where you are finally ready to say goodbye without hard proof.


Posts: 241 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Some one gave me a pin. I have no use for a pin so I gave it to someone else they really liked it and thought I picked it out and bought it for them I did not.

Interesting he didn't think of giving the "pin" to you. He didn't address giving it to a woman and her wonderful thank you note that makes her seem oh so special. And of course he SAVED it. Who would give him a pin appropriate to give to a woman? It must have been for a woman if she thought he picked it out for her!

Also interesting he attacks you as a child when you call him out on his behavior. Don't respond when he starts down that line. Tell him, I'm sorry, stop trying to change the subject to me, right now we are talking about YOU and my concerns.

How sad he feels he is in prison....if he had real boundaries he would know what married life is. (Did you re-marry him or just living together now?)

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:11 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I'm thinking about going to stya wiht an aunt for a few months until my lease is up. I will pack up my apartment (things I dont want him stealing), pay the retn (because lease is in my name), he can stay there, then I will move in to my new place when the lease is up here, and he can go his own way. I just worry about uprooting my duaghter.

Now that is a good plan.

your daughter will be FINE. Yes it will be hard and an adjustment for her. But whats even harder is 2 parents living together unhappy, not respecting each other, and seeing her mother treated as a dormat and continuously abused by a serial cheater.

As long as you shower your daughter with love, give her age appropriate explanation, and done bad-mouth her father to her she will be FINE. She will even be BETTER than if you stay together.

Please keep us posted. Please keep posting so you don't get weak and go back to him. Go to your aunts!


Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

dreading going home. I choose not to talk to him, especially in front of my daughter, about this. And because I will refuse to talk to him or make eye contact with him, he will call me a child. I just hate the tension that is caused. I'm not good at confrontation, so that makes things worse. Luckily, I have plans after work, but I still have to go home. I'm not afraid of him. I just don't want to talk to him. About anything. In my state, I cannot just kick him out, even though he is not on the lease. I have to give him 30 days. SO FRUSTRATING


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

momentintime,

My best friend said the same thing you said: He thought of giving this Pin to another woman, but not me...and he SAVED his note??? Dont worry, I aint buyin it. He attacks me as a child because he knows that a soft spot for me.

I did not re-marry him, and I never had the desire to re-marry him, thank God. WE sitll have our custody and child support order from the divorce, so I don't have to waste anymore money on a lawyer. We can literally just break up, nad move on. No legal crap.

ShiningAutumn: I know, you are right. I will miss the comfort of my home, but this is only temporary.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Tell him to re read the note and come with a better explanation cuz his "don't fly". The other stuff he said was done to change the subject off the note and distract you.

I would put focus back on the note and ask who it was etc.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
mandala
Member
Member # 41724
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Why can't you kick him out?

If the lease is in your name, and you aren't married, how can he have a right to be there except by your good grace?

Do you have something in writing letting him be there?

Stay strong. It will be oh so much better for your daughter to have a good example to follow when she gets older than to see you take abuse like this from her father and think it is OK.
You are young and so is she.
You will be fine and she will be fine.


Me: BW 50
Him: WH 50
Married 21 years
Four awesome kids
EA Began 6/2013 PA 8-9/2013 (4 meetings) DDay 9/10/2013
OW : "friend" - older, fatter and uglier than me.
Working on R

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: usa
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

I agree with you when you asked why she needed to practice with it.

Good luck to you, I hope you can find some peace.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Don't give him half the money in your account; he has done nothing to deserve it and has betrayed your trust frequently. Consider withholding the money as a fine; for wasting your time when you could have done so much more with your life.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
zulay44
New Member
Member # 42772
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

((Foolmel)) I am so sorry that you are going through this, but glad that you decided to end it up for good. You are young, I am sure a good woman and have a life ahead of you and I promise that one day, this will seem just like a bad dream and you will find happiness again...


Me-50
WBF-39
Dday- 10/2013
Left him since Dday.
"Better happy alone, than unhappy with somebody else"

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Tell him to re read the note and come with a better explanation cuz his "don't fly". The other stuff he said was done to change the subject off the note and distract you.

I would put focus back on the note and ask who it was etc.

Meh. What difference does it make? This is not a 1 time A after 20 yrs of marriage. Its just one OW in a long string of serial cheating, between two young people in a BF/GF relationship. This guy has shown over and over he cant bemonogomous. He is lying and gaslighting.

IMO there is nothing worth salvaging. She is the breadwinner. Already have a support/custody order in place.

Stay strong OP. You seem like a smart, strong lady and can have a wonderful life ahead of you without this man


Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2014
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Just wanted to add my support here for what a good job you are doing. Good for you for taking your life back. Im sorry for all you've had to endure. You didnt deserve this and he doesn't deserve you. Keep your head held high and remind yourself when you do have to be in the same house/room as him that his ploys to belittle you are just that, ploys and are of no use as you are protected now by your own invisible force field that his verbal vomit cannot penetrate. Take care of yourself.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

When we got home last night, he was here. He literally acted as if nothing was wrong. Asking how my day was etc. I gave him short, one word answers. He tried telling me things or sayings things to really engage in a conversation, but I didn't bite. I was laying on the couch watching tv with our dd when he sat next to me and said "so you're just not gonna talk to me?" I told him no, and to please stop trying because I'm not having this discussion in front of dd. So he just sat there and watched tv. I went to bed in dd's room around 8 and passed out. I was exhausted. I'm off today, and I'm hoping he has some more "studying" to do at the "library" so that I can just do my homework (I got a zero last week/weekend bc of all the fighting we were doing over the weekend. Hopefully my professor will allow me to make up some work) and ran the house. Mani/pedi and gettin my hair did today too. I'm determined to make today about ME for once!


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Someone gave me a pin?

Oh brother.

Let's see, if that were true, he could have given it to YOU. He could have handed it back. He could have given it to Goodwill.

And of course this does not explain the letter. It does not explain why he SAVED the letter.

Asshole.

I wouldn't respond because, you know, there's no point in arguing with a CHILD.

Asshole times infinity.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Your BF is good at turning the tables. A weaker BS would have fallen for it. Good for you, standing up for yourself and not accepting his ridiculous excuses! I hope you get some alone time today and he doesn't try to pressure you into talking.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Dear Fool

First, you are not a fool. You are smart and strong. I am proud of you.

Stick to your guns.

Your xBF is a narcissist and a liar. What a load of complete BS. Really? He gave her a pin and "he's the best present ever" - WTFE !!!

Make this all about you. It has been all about him for too long. He needs to grow up and stop being a selfish ass.

His manipulation on calling you names and projecting this being your fault is a pure display of his lack of maturity and ability to own his actions.

You and your daughter deserve better. Don't believe him for one second.

Cut your losses and move on. He doesn't deserve you and you certainly don't deserve his BS.

Good luck and keep moving.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Sending you strength, Foolme1. (((((hugs)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

"The Pen Excuse".

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new excuse for the WS Handbook.

(please note the HEAVY sarcasm)


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6579 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

Good for you for not letting him BS you.

Based on the "couldn't wait to try it out" and "I need more practice", I figure he either gave her a musical instrument or a BOB.

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 11:37 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 27th (Thursday)

I have decided to start sleeping in my daughters room unitl our lease is up (May). I signed for a newer, nicer apartment yesterday, so in May, my daughter and I are moving. I donm't know where he is going.

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

I will give him half of savings (thought a lot of you may disagree), because I can't just leave him homeless...

I guess if that's the price of finally unloading this loser who brings NOTHING to the table, then it's money well spent. Myself, I'd rather throw it down a black hole than give him anything.

I live in a prison. I go to school I got to the hospital I got to the gym sometimes I go to J's and I go home. Home is my escape. You are my escape from prison...

Awwww, what a tough life for him. Soon, his 'prison' will require WORKING at a job and not letting his wife support him while he goes to school and the gym. Yup, time to grow up.

Do remember that child support is your daughter's right, regardless of whether you earn enough money to support her on your own or not. That's not the POINT. So make sure your child support order is filed with the court the MINUTE you move out. Don't need it? Put it in the bank each month for her when she grows up. She can use it towards college or a car or her first house.

Don't deny her that.

Good luck to you and stay strong!

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:52 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Never again, we already have a court ordered child support agreement from the divorce so I will make sure he pays that to me.

I called my MIL today. After years of hiding this from her, I finally told her the whole thing She was upset, obviously. But said she can't tell me what to do. She understands though. I think she's thankful that I'm not throwing him out on his ass (legally I can't. Even though the lease is in my name, he's an occupant whose listed, so I'd have to give him 30 days anyways. But, since my lease is up in 60, I'm being nice. For my daughter. ) but she understands that I deserve better.

Had a nice, comfortable relaxing night last night in my daughters bed. No words were exchanged this morning.

Right now, I'm sitting in a massage chair getting a pedicure. After that, a hair appointment. Then back to business: homework. Ugh. Cried finally today while telling my mother in law. It felt good to finally get it out.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

I'm so glad you're taking the day to yourself. You deserve to relax and be pampered.

Have you told WxBF about you getting a new apartment?


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Always, yes he knows. I had decided to move prior to this and happened to sign my new lease literally hours before that note. So he knows I was smart though and made sure not to include him on my lease. My gut just told me not to.

It's very awkward here. We're not speaking to each other. Only to our daughter. He's acting as if he has the right to be upset with me. I know that note wasn't innocent.

He later "explained" that by pin, he meant pen, as in calligraphy pen. This note was written in calligraphy pen. Why would someone give him a calligraphy pen and that still does not explain "DEAREST douche", "you are the bed t present", "Merry Christmas to you/us", and "Love, Ruby". Not does it explain that my gut has been screaming at me.

This is the same bitch who I caught him texting "hey beautiful, sorry I haven't responded, I had my daughter this weekend". The same bitch who started following me on Pinterest, then the moment I started following her and pinning her line, she deleted and blocked me. She graduated from nursing school last year. So in order to give her this "pen", it wasn't in the halls in passing. He had to deliberately go to her or meet her somewhere to deliver it.

He makes me fucking sick. I stood by him through THREE 12-15 month deployments. Never cheated, never thought about it. I was devoted, head over heels in love with him. He's the only man I've ever been with. We're high school sweethearts. His son was born a few months before we met in high school and considers me his mother. All he's had to do was go to school. I cooked, did his laundry, filed his bankruptcy for him (did all the work and research for him), worked OT to make ends meet. As a return favor (he supported me through school, so I followed through on our agreement even though we are divorced-stupid, I know). I figured, he's bringing in $1500/month, so ateast I'm not paying his bills. But he knew good and well that $1500 could not get him out on his own, so he decided to move half in with me under the guise of "I made a mistake". Yeah you did. You fucked over a GOOD WOMAN.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

You sound like a very strong person. Good for u knowing whats best for u and ur child.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Keep your chin up as best you can and keep posting. We're here to be the friends to help you through this!


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

Well I suppose it doesnt really matter since you are DONE with him, but you could always contact Ruby to see what she says. If anything it'll burn his ass cuz he's certainly lying to her to.

Your story just infuriates me. How dare he use you, lie to you, all right under his own daughters nose.

God what an ASS.

Have you thought more about staying with family the rest of the month. It really seems unhealthy to be under the same roof.

Don't ever lose sight of the fact he has NO REMORSE. Dont worry one iota about how he'll get by, where he'll live etc. He's an able bodied, grown man. He will be fine.


Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2014
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, March 28th (Friday)

No advice as you really don't need it, I just wanted to say that you are amazing!

I really respect the calm, dignified manner in which you are dealing with this and have no doubt that you are an inspiration to many posters and lurkers who are struggling with making the next move.

I wish you all the peace and happiness that you deserve.


Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 28th (Friday)

I think I am emotionally/mentally falling apart today. It's all really hitting me that this is over. And do I REALLY want to ever date again? I truly do not believe that monogamy exists.

I want another baby. I'll be 32 this year. I'm almost past my "prime". I don't want another one with him, I don't see myself trusting anyone enough to date. So my daughter will be an only child.

And he still acts as if he did nothing wrong.

Playing everything over in my head and I almost forgot tha about a year ago, I caught him texting another girl from nursing school (seriously, WTF was I thinking when he started nursing school???) Well, the texts went like this:

Her: can I borrow you this weekend
Him: depends, what are you going to do with me?
Her: hmmmm....there are so many ways I can answer tha question. But I've decided to answer professionally for now and after we take our MCAT, I will give you an unprofessional response.
Him: I like the sound of that.

Why the hell did I stay?? Because he cried and begged and swore nothing happened and that he just enjoyed the attention. He swore he would tell her he was in a relationship, yet I never followed up. I was in the "what I don't know won't hurt me" mentality.

I'm so glad I'm done with him.

I can't stay with my aunt because my cousin is moving back home and will be staying her with for a few months. I won't stay with my parents bc that's an even worse atmosphere for my daughter. So. I will stay and continue sleeping in my daughters room. I have not told him my plan yet. I will this weekend. Just wasn't ready for shit to hit the fan yet.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Cascade
Member
Member # 28774
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 28th (Friday)

A. You can TOTALLY still find a good man and have a baby. I have 3 preggo friends who are 35-37 all nearly full term.

B. Look at you go sister!!!! Be the woman you would want your daughter to be. You are setting a wonderful example for her, take pride in that.

C. There is still monogamy in this world. Now you know some of the flags to look for early on, but don't be afraid to love again. You sound so lovable! Ladies like you make me wish I liked ladies! :)

Hugs


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Tampa, FL
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 28th (Friday)

I have not told him my plan yet. I will this weekend.

I wouldn't tell him shit. Let him be caught off guard just like you have been so many times before. You don't owe him anything. HE is the one who threw you away with both hands. Let him find out when he comes home and all your and DD's belongings are gone.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

Fool me....

Sounds like you've got this... good on you..

Love that you're putting you and DD first. Dont buy into his BS

twatwaffle.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, March 29th (Saturday)

I wouldn't tell him shit. Let him be caught off guard just like you have been so many times before. You don't owe him anything. HE is the one who threw you away with both hands. Let him find out when he comes home and all your and DD's belongings are gone.

I agree with Chicky, don't tell him sh*t.

By the way, I put my unemployed H through Nursing school too. Paid for everything.

Had 2 A's with MOW, his nurse co-workers. Same attitude as you WH.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel for male nurses looking to cheat. General Hospital ain't got nothing on "real life"


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 609 | Registered: Mar 2003
justlikethat
New Member
Member # 42768
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, March 30th (Sunday)

By leaving, you are showing your daughter how to have the strength to respect herself and walk away from an unhealthy situation/person. I think that is one of the most valuable lessons a person can have. While she may not understand it now, she will eventually become a stronger woman because of the example you set. This man sounds like a major asshole who is NEVER going to be worthy of you.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
two2muchpain
Member
Member # 29306
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Hey Foolme1, how are things going? Haven't seen anything new on this thread. Did you tell him your plans this past weekend?

Don't let him smooth talk you. He has shown no real signs that he's gonna change. Girl, you are still very young and you two are not even married, that's half the battle right there. He has shown you no respect.

Let us know how you're doing.


Me:49,at time of A
H: 47,at time of A
M: 23 yrs.
OW:27 at time of A
Admitted to EA and other things: 6/16/10
PA (one night stand,sexting and more: 7/15/10
S:19, SS: 30, SD: 26
R: Currently trying to work it out.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Aug 2010
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

two2muchpain, Yes, I told him. I ended up texting him "when the lease is up, we need to go our separate ways". I got my own checking account set up and just set up my direct deposit through work today. He did not take it well, denial denial denial, even though I threw the proof in his face. he swears up and down that he has been good, and he said he was sorry for the note, and the classic "its not what it looked like". Still sleeping in separate rooms, but trying to maintain a "friendly" in house separation for our daughter. We ate dinner as a family last night (after I told him he needs to leave on June 1). Normally, I'll say I'm done then he can sweet talk me back, but not this time. Today is a week, the longest I've stuck to my guns, and I hope he realizes real soon that this time, I am 200% serious. I have had enough.


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
two2muchpain
Member
Member # 29306
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

You go girl!!! Thanks for the update. Sending you hugs and strength.


Me:49,at time of A
H: 47,at time of A
M: 23 yrs.
OW:27 at time of A
Admitted to EA and other things: 6/16/10
PA (one night stand,sexting and more: 7/15/10
S:19, SS: 30, SD: 26
R: Currently trying to work it out.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Aug 2010
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Foolme: Proud of you and your resolve. I know ur hurting and probably really mad at yourself for giving it another go after the D but u should be proud. 1 u fought to give your daughter a stable home and 2 u followed ur heart. U'll never have to doubt if u gave ur all.

Reading this site offers me hope. I know that one day (several months from now) when I start to date again (never thought I'd say that again)there are really good people left in the world. This site has shown me the horrible capability that people have to hurt those that love them but it has also shown me there are people out there that do cherish their commitments.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Justinpain, I love your outlook. I wish I could have the same. Being here should show me that there are people who take their commitment as serious as I do, but I still don't believe that I'll ever find anyone that believes in commitment. It's hard because I WANT to be settled down and I WANT to have more kids. It tears me apart because I don't believe, at this point, that it's possible for me....


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
twicefooled
New Member
Member # 42976
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Big fat hugs from someone currently living your nightmare.

Been together 16yrs, married for 11 (sadly enough, our anniversary is this weekend). Two children ages 10 and 7.

We separated last May (not due to infidelity, I had no idea at that time) and I found out after the fact that he was shacking up with someone he'd been communicating with for at least a month. Then he came back in July, grovelling and pleading and saying all the right things. The kids were sad that daddy was gone so I went against my gut and allowed him back. I wanted to be able to look myself in the eye and say "I did everything I could to save my marriage"

All seemed OK until last week. He left his facebook account open on the computer and I looked at his messages. He has been trying to hook up with no less than 6 different women since the day he moved back here. That was the straw that broke our marriage.

My kids and I are moving out at the end of the month and he needs to find a place as well. Neither of us can afford our townhouse on our own (luckily we rent and only needed 30 days notice). I'm waiting to hear today if we got the apartment I wanted, still in the neighbourhood where we presently live, the kids will go to the same school, etc.

I have decided that I don't deserve that. Yes, my stbx has many wonderful qualities but I refuse to have a marriage with no trust. I'm a very trustworthy individual and I even stayed faithful to our vows while he was out breaking them. I will never give him a chance to make me feel stupid a third time. He had a chance to change and he didn't. No longer my problem.

I'm only 2 weeks past finding out. He is living in the basement while the kids and I live upstairs till we move. He's been leaving in the evenings and coming home in the morning, I haven't asked him where he's been because at this point it's not my business, just like my stuff is no longer his business.

Foolme1 I feel for you. So very much. Just know that you and I will be just fine. I'm a bit older than you (37 on moving day, actually!) but I have plenty of friends that went on to have very healthy pregancies mid-to-late thirties. You deserve to bring a new life into the world with a man that treasures you, not one for which you are an afterthought.

I wish us both the very best of luck.


BS 37
stbxWH 40
Together 16yrs married for 11yrs with 2 children
Dday 1 5/5/13
Falsely Reconciled
Dday 2 3/27/14
On the road to divorce

Posts: 32 | Registered: Apr 2014
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I don't know about the faithful partner thing..Im pretty bummed about dating...don't even feel like dealing with it.BUT I would like to say I was pregnant with my first at 37.You can do this! He absolutely does not deserve you!!

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Foolme1
Member
Member # 38606
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I can't even put in to words what I am feeling right now. Just overwhelmed with sadness. I spoke to my MIL this morning. She has literally been like a mother to me since we dated (I was 18). My own mother has her own issues and I am not very close to her. For the past three years, I have hidden everything from my MIL...shame I guess. I called her last week and told her everything. She called me this morning to see how things were, and it helps that she supports my decision and agrees that I need to leave the relationship. She is very disappointed in her son. I just feel so broken right now. The codependency in me wants to reach out to him and just ask "why?". But I know it is pointless.

I have therapy this weekend, so hopefully my therapist can give me some insight. She's been my therapist since I filed for divorce, so she knows our entire history, which helps. I just want to fall asleep for a very long time....


BGF-me (31)-devoted girlfriend
xBF-him (30)-manipulative cheater
One beautiful dd. 14 years together (off and on). Married for 8 years, divorced, then "dating" for 3 more years.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 72