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Just Found Out
User Topic: 3 Weeks In: Help?
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I've been lurking on this site for two weeks, reading everything I can. Today I am finally ready to post.

My WS and I have been married for 23 years. We have 4 kids ages 7 to 20. I think we had typical marriage: madly in love at the beginning, then got caught up in parenting and work and busy lives and lost touch a little bit.

About 3 weeks ago, I came home from work early with a headache. There was a strange car parked in my driveway. I assumed my H had a meeting with our financial advisor, or one of the other leaders from our son’s troop, and had just forgotten to tell me. I walked in expecting to find them at the dining room table, but the house was dark. Then I heard voices coming from our guest room. At this point I knew what I was going to find, but was still devastated to open the door and see my husband and this woman rolling away from each other off the bed. Thank god they were both still dressed or I might have committed homicide right on the spot.

I held it together long enough order to order her out of my house. Then I faced my husband, who confessed everything. They had been seeing each other for seven years -- SEVEN YEARS! – ever since our youngest child was a newborn. They met at a local community meeting, had lunch a couple of times, then progressed quickly to a sexual relationship. She is 11 years younger than me, has no kids, and works from home, so she was at his beck and call any time he wanted her.

They had perfect cover for their affair: my husband would leave my bed each weekday morning saying he was headed to the gym before work, and go straight to hers. He would have her for an hour or so, and then go on to work. On weekends, he would go out to "run errands" and meet with her. She contacted him only through his work issued phone and email, which I could not access. They lied so well and so often that I was totally fooled, and had no idea what was going on.

Did I mention that this slut has been to my house on social visits? She runs a business where she takes high school music students on trips to Europe. We had a babysitter who was from her favorite country, and my husband thought they would enjoy meeting each other. So she waltzed into my home, introduced herself as a “friend” of his from the civic organization, and came and went several times to visit the sitter and – I am sure – flirt with my spouse under my nose. He says that she got a real thrill out of this.

After he confessed, I gave my husband 24 hours to make a decision: he could keep her and move out immediately, or give her up and remain in the house until I had time to decide on what to do next. He called her the next day to tell her it was over. Her response was to plead for one more night of “goodbye sex.” She wanted to rub my nose in the affair, for me to have to spend at least one night knowing she was screwing him and to suffer. When he told her no, that he had hurt me enough, she got so angry that she hit him.

My husband is now remorseful, and begging me to stay. He has realized exactly what he stands to lose: his home, his kids, the respect of his scouting and church communites, all of our friends and my extended family, and the woman who has loved him through the very worst and very best times of his life. He is going to counseling to try to figure out why he acted like such a shit. I am going to counseling to try to figure out if 20+ years of love and good memories can ever cancel out such a massive betrayal. We are doing MC together weekly. I’ve also seen a lawyer to begin formalizing a separation agreement cover myself financially, just in case it goes that way.

My heart is shredded, my sense of safety and my self-esteem are gone, and I am lost. I cannot believe that I am in this position. I truly believed that my H was one of the good guys who would NEVER even THINK of cheating. And I have so many questions! I plan to post many of them here, but for today, just wanted to send up a white flag and see if anyone responds.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
swank
Member
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

What an awful story. To catch him in the act must have been beyond painful. I'm so sorry.

You're reeling now, it's only been 3 weeks. Time helps a lot, it really does. And it sounds as if your husband is doing the right things to try to restore your trust and save your relationship.

Try to take care of yourself and look ahead, not back. I found out 6 months ago and I feel so much better than I did when I was where you are now. It still sucks, but it's much, much easier to get through the days.

Good luck to you.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Krispy

I think you are awesome and no white flag is needed.

Your husband needs therapy. About 7 years worth.

He is the one leading a double life. Did you never suspect over 7 years that he was cheating?

For now focus on you and your kids. Protect yourself financially and good luck with your decision.

Because he deserves a divorce. You don't.

Take your time making that decision.

HM


Posts: 862 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I am so sorry for you(((((HUGS))))))........I too experienced this horrible pain....just like you.....the pain.......in my house.......with someone who visited my home........I saw them in bed together except my husband was making love to her.........I attacked him....I wanted to kill him......I punched the hell out of him.....I wanted to grab his balls and yank them out of his body......my son was the one who drag me off of him eventually.....yes my son saw the OW and my H naked......my husband gave me the same speech as yours.....I ASKED HIM: HOW THE F$$K ARE YOU SORRY YOU HURT ME NOW BUT IT NEVER CROSSED YOUR MIND FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS???????....I agreed to work on the marriage....UUUGGGGHHHH......I so wish I had SI back then.it would have saved me so much pain.....for 13 years we stayed married.....I never was happy again , never smiled, had nightmares, cried all the time, never trusted him, especially when he said he loved me and he was sorry for hurting me, I could not stand him touching me....no sex... MC AND IC could not help me....I was numb....how do you betray the person you love...how do you go to bed with me after you were with her...how do you lie and look me in the eyes like all is fine....how do I nelieve anything you say..........I divorced him......I am free of those emotional chains.....I am happy, i now smile and sleep well......I no longer look over my shoulder,wondering if that woman is cheating with my husband.....I AM FREE.....I AM NO LONGER UNDER MY EXH'S CONSEQUENCES BY HIS BAD CHOICES>>>>>I AM FREE>>>>>>>> it hurts right now for you but you will come to understand soon that you were not married for 20 years....you were only in a married partnership for 13 years......the other 7 years you were in a threesome....you did not have a husband....you had ab open marriage....open only to him.....7 years is not an AFFAIR.....7 YEARS IS A LONG TERM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP>>>>A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE>>>>>can you ever forgive this kind of betrayal??....can you ever forget that he had sex with her in your HOUSE,your HOME.....how can he do that??......this type of disrespect for you,your marriage vows, your family, your most intimate place ,your zen place....your love nest.....I could not even after 13 years......I lost 13 years trying to glue back together what was broken...I so regret that decision....I should have moved on right away after finding them....please think clearly and not emotionally...do not make hasty decisions....he has already shown you who he really is...how he lies and cheats....he has shown no love or compassion for you as his partner....do not waste your life or time on someone who knows no boundaries....you deserve to be loved not deceived.....what you have is not love....it is a lie

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

So sorry for your situation. Just started posting here as well and can tell you the support is a lifeline between IC and MC. It's a safe place to vent and ask those really difficult questions that nobody around you can probably answer.

Get ready for some tough love though. People will call bullshit as needed in an effort to help protect you as you navigate this mess.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
allusions
Member
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Hi Krispy,

Glad you found us.

Just wondering, you said he called her to end it and she got so angry she hit him. How did she hit him over the phone?

There should be no contact between them now, and he certainly shouldn't be seeing her for ANY reason.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Allusions: He broke the news to her over the phone, but I was dumb enough (numb enough?) to give him permission to meet with her in person at a local restuarant the next day. He "needed closure." I know, I know....

Justinpain: Tough love is what I need, I think. I certainly don't trust my own judegement any more.

And to the poster above, no I really did not suspect a thing. I knew that our marriage had holes -- we were having sex less often, he was gone more often and not fully engaged in family life -- but I attributed that to his extreme unhappiness at work. I guess I told myself that fireworks die, but we still had a bedrock commitment. Turns out I was the only one who had it.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Lastdance: what you're saying is NOT what I want to hear, but it sounds like truth. Your comment about a common law marriage is a gut punch, but also exactly right. I think site is going to be important for reality testing for me. Thanks.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

The final meeting between your WS and the OW may have been a discussion on how to take this affair underground; they will be much more careful next time.

My advice is that this betrayal is too much to absorb and forgive. Maybe after the divorce you can be polite friends for the children's sake. Meanwhile the OW can have him; see how long that lasts.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and file. The post from lastdance is both heart rending and an example of how forgiveness has its limits.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. Stick to your guns and enforce the NC and make sure that you verify everything instead of trusting his words just yet. Most importantly continue taking care of yourself. You know what you deserve; stay strong in your knoedge of your own integrity. I hope your WH gets how much is needed from him in order to R and feels true remorse for the betrayal.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4168 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

You mentioned a business that the OW runs. The URL leads to the female owner, which could be tracked back to your WS and yourself. Might consider removing this.

Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

krispy47,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37607 | Registered: Sep 2007
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Just wanted to say I read your story, and my heart goes out to you. Why do our WS do this shit?? I'm so sorry :(


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 202 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)

Sorry to hear you have to go through this. I'm in a similar situation, so it's good to know we're not alone!

I agree with what another poster said. Your H was living a life with someone else for many years, so that is more than just an affair. As sad as it is to tell you, your marriage was already over. Surely you had to see signs? And he now has a strong history with the OW...even if he has NC now, will he let go?

I don't see how you could ever trust him to not do this again, with her or someone else. For my situation, I think it is better to heal and start over with someone else, rather than try to repair something that is so broken and a lie. You deserve to be happy.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 24th (Monday)

Krispy- Another voice telling you that you've been heard, no effing way you deserved ANY of this horrid, painful mess, and to urge you to focus on yourself. It's hard at this point to think straight, I'm certain that you're still in shock. My advise: make NO decisions. Buy the book 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and force your POS WH to read it.

A bit of a thread-jack, sorry, but I must say that I've never quite seen such strong posts urging a newbie to throw in the towel quite so quickly, especially when the WH proclaims he wants to work on repairing the damage his choices have inflicted. It started me thinking......what is the limit? a 7 year affair is too long to forgive, beyond salvageable? If someone gets caught after 3 weeks for instance, who is to say that that infidelity wouldn't have lasted 12 years? How about crossing that line, breaking that special bond once? Lying, deceiving and knifing your spouse in the back only once......why is that maybe forgivable, but a long term A is not? I just don't know. If you steal your friends lipstick, is that any less sinful and wrong than if you stole your friends bracelet? Or if you stole a dollar from your friend every week for 13 years? Know what I mean?
Ugh. It's all so sad and sordid and head spinning, isn't it?
Anyway, good luck and keep posting. You will always get support here.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, March 24th (Monday)

@GotMeGood: I also am a little surprised and dismayed at the vehemence of some responders, but none of you are saying anything I have not already thought. When I told my best friend, her response was, "Seven years! That's a hell of a lot of lying!" I am curious however. Some LTAs are worse than others?

Regarding the current state of my roller coaster ride...

On the plus side: WH has answered every question I've asked and I have been able to verify much of what he has said. He appears to have broken things off with OW, as evidenced by her increasingly hysterical attempts to contact him. He seems genuinely sorry, and feels like shit. His guilt is causing him to be very generous as we draw up a separation agreement. He initiated IC and MC. He is reading a lot about his responsibilities as a WS, including everything here, and he is saying all the right things.

On the minus side: I can't believe anything WH says! OW continues to pursue him relentlessly, even showing up to confront him in our church parking lot last weekend. In our discussions, he still sometimes hedges (yes, I fucked her in our guest room, but I didn't want to. She insisted!) The fact that he brought her TO MY HOUSE and allowed her to gloat about it is really sticking in my craw. How is it possible that he was so in love with OW that he would risk our lives for her, and now suddenly he is ready to be done with her and commit to R? I have had occasional good moments when I think I'm going to be OK, but then I remember that WH is a lying sack of shit and nothing will ever be OK again. Sigh...

Can someone please tell me how long the acute symptoms of this horror last: nightmares, insomnia, lack of appetite and hysterical crying in the car are getting old.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, March 24th (Monday)

I also am a little surprised and dismayed at the vehemence of some responders

I think vehemence isn't the word I would use. We gave advice reflecting that some of us think 7 years of deceit and betrayal, in your own home at that, is just too much to forgive.

You have a decision to make. Do you have enough capacity to forgive and trust this man over the rest of your marriage? Or are you going to drag out the suffering and misery as you struggle to reconcile; leaving bitterness and ultimately a ruined relationship.

If you can fully forgive go for it; easily the most productive option. If however, its going to be a deal breaker then spare yourself a lot of suffering and file. Only you have the answer to the choices that your husbands selfishness has presented you.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 24th (Monday)

You have a decision to make. Do you have enough capacity to forgive and trust this man over the rest of your marriage? Or are you going to drag out the suffering and misery as you struggle to reconcile; leaving bitterness and ultimately a ruined relationship.

If you can fully forgive go for it; easily the most productive option. If however, its going to be a deal breaker then spare yourself a lot of suffering and file. Only you have the answer to the choices that your husbands selfishness has presented you.

Exactly. And right now, I am totally incapable making that decision. I feel like I've just survived a tsunami, and am treading water and trying not to drown until I can get my bearings and figure out which way to swim. I do truly appreciate every single comment on this post so far. I know that the angry-sounding comments are not directed at me, but are life lines thrown out by those already in the lifeboat.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 24th (Monday)

Your story is just breaking my heart. This is the first time I have actually cried real tears for a fellow BS. So so so sorry.

I wish this was like some support group that meets once a week, because I want to give you such a huge hug. I also want to beat the crap out of this leech. I see a bunny boiler in your future.

I would out her to everyone. It has been 7 yrs and it is going to be really hard for them to stop cold turkey. Outing it to everyone will let the community shame them and keep a close eye on them both.

It took me 5 months to get over the acute symptoms. By then I had lost 20 pounds (I was down to a size 2), my sanity, and my joy. My poor children had to suffer through my lack of anything but the basics for them. Then I woke up and started to fight back. Anger will do that for you...when you get to that phase. Going on an anti anxiety med helped me. Escitalopram. It really made it easier to deal with sleep issues too. I started around month 4/5 and stayed on 5mg for about 4months.

From the outside it is easy to judge. I have to agree with LASTDANCE.

Your husband (if you can call him that) has been married to another woman on a day to day basis for 7yrs while married to you. He is not going to give this relationship up so easily. Even if it does stop, you are going to question where his heart and thoughts always lie.

You still love your husband. Do not be ashamed of that. You are a good person. In time as the shock wears off and you stop fighting to keep this man, you will wake up and realize "Do you even want this man?"

Do not let him railroad you anymore. You can't allow anymore private conversations. Most likely they are planning a way to take the affair deeper. NO ONE lets go of 7yrs that easily.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:19 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 24th (Monday)

You cannot make any permanent decisions right now, and you shouldn't. For those of us whose marriages included years of lies and deception, we need time before making changes, the trauma we are facing is too intense.

However, to all appearances, he threw her under the bus. That gives you a pretty good indication of his level of commitment and attachment to her. Not much. More likely she was a convenience. An ego kibble. An unpaid pro.

His job is to bend over backwards to ensure you that he's done with that hobby. Full transparency. Passive tracking of his cell phone with followup photos of where he is at all times. Total no contact with the toy-woman and a harassment charge if she won't go away. You have complete and total access to passwords, to credit and debit accounts so you see what he is seeing, saying and spending. A polygraph if you want it. ANYTHING you need, and he still doesn't know if he hasn't indeed, thrown away everything good in his life. That's the price he pays. He balks at any of this, you walk. He did this damage, caused the distrust, not you.

You will get through this, with or without him. Practice self care, eat healthy, stay hydrated, get medication if needed. YOU are the prize.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3542 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Michman
Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 24th (Monday)

Acute symptoms of this can last a few weeks...or months...get thee to IC.

Eat and drink healthy when you can. Best thing for me is to work out too. Walk, shovel snow, yardwork, swim, any exercise. You would be amazed at how good beating the shit out of snow/ice (I live in MI) feels.

Get to a DR and get tested for everything. Protected sex until WH does also. Also talk to doc about situation. She/he may prescribe something short term (I had to take BP medication for about 4 months) depending on your needs.

3 weeks or so in is still about protecting and taking care of you and your children. ef him. He needs to work on his shit. You did not do this, you are not the reason. You have plenty of time to make the best decision for you! How your WH uses that time may sway you from R to D/S.

You decide your needs. WH needs to meet them or you walk. Sometimes you have to be willing to leave the marriage (file for D) to save it. I read that on here multiple times.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 24th (Monday)

I'm sorry if you feel some of our comments are harsh. My H only strayed for a few weeks and I still couldn't get over it.

It does take a long time. I'm 3 months out and still in pain. I try to exercise and do things to stay distracted.

Someone said to "out" them to everyone. I don't know if that is the best idea. If everyone knows the truth, that might make it easier for them to just decide to start a life together. They would have nothing to lose at that point.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Oh, god... The shit just keeps hitting the fan. Today I learned, from OW of all people, that WH left a bunch of stuff out. Like numerous online sexual relationships. A series of one night stands while he traveled on business. The fact that he lied to me about how he met OW, and the fact that they did in fact fuck each other in my marriage bed, when he said they had not. He confessed to it all by phone, but only after me pressing and pressing and pressing for the truth.

WTF?!?! What hell is that about?! Do they really think that "trickling" the truth makes it less awful?

I think this is the proverbial straw that has broken the camel's back. I absolutely do not want this lying sack of shit. I think I am still going to wait to kick him out until the end of the school year, when the kids and I will have time and energy to grieve this debacle. Right now I am just too sick to cope.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Sounds as if your WS is trying to get you to pull the trigger on your marriage. He's confessed to just about every carnal sin when he could have continued lying and possibly ensured reconciliation.
This way if you end it, having all the sordid details, then he can say its out of his hands and concentrate on the affair with his lover.

Strange irony; if he really wanted to reconcile if would continue lying given the enormity of his adultery. Maybe he arranged this with the OW; "tell her the whole truth and see what she does" You end up giving a continuance to their affair by ending the marriage.

The OW seems determined to have your husband; she doesn't seem inclined to give up and preserve your family unity. What an evil bitch.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 24th (Monday)

Oh no, how horrible! Your story was bad enough before this additional information. At this point, you need to focus all of your energy on taking care of yourself and your children. Hard 180 for your WH. Stop MC and double up on IC for yourself. See a lawyer as soon as you can and start to get your ducks in a row. Gather financial information, if you don't already have it. Definitely STD tests, if you haven't already done. Keep posting, we are here to support you. (((krispy47)))


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Aug 2010
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

I disagree, seems like ow is trying to pull the trigger. I personally found out about betrayal that lasted over a long period. My fwh was not honest in the beginning. I would have him send a no contact. If that didn't work a restraining order and I would have a post nup in place. He and you I would suggest ic. I would make it clear neither he or she are victims. They are the criminals. It is easy to confide in your fellow criminal. It seems like you need to figure out if he is a sex addict.

This all should go on your pace not his or hers. She is willing to scorch earth to have him, ow lie. You can have him do a poly. You can work on conditions of recovery. But first and for most is nc by you and him with shank ho.

I made some initial mistakes in not going with my time frame. This is a horrible trauma, you just got hit with a bus. Get help from a medical Dr. And therapy. Make clear to wh, this is your feeling. No more meetings with her, his job is solely to treat you as if your in intensive care, in the hospital. The ow is a n addict and frankly not your problem or his.

If you want to you can save this marriage, if he is willing to put you first above his self and do what you need. Not easy but it is true. Our issues spanned over 12 years of him acting out sexually. I realize my message is different, but I to know that it is your choice. They had 7 years to know reality, you have had essentially days. I support you whatever you decide, but you do deserve to know things can work out.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 8:05 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 295 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks to those who PM's me to suggest 180. I had to look the term up!

I made the decision yesterday to just not care at this point, to not put any pressure on myself to make any big changes for the next 3 months, and to really focus on ME and my boys rather than on "us". I also decided not to waste one more minute trying to understand WH. He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Last night was also the first in three weeks that I slept all the way through. Coincidence?

[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:18 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Congratulations Krispy47.

Sounds like you are doing the 180 naturally. Don't get upset if you feel differently in the next hour. The first several months are a fast and super hilly roller coaster ride.

Just stick to your indifference and vent to us.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Great job taking care of yourself! Good to hear you were able to get some rest.

That new information had to be hard. If he is capable of several short affairs plus a LTA, then he is definitely hard to trust. I would get to the lawyer's. I don't know how you can stand to have him in the house! I'm sorry you have to go through this.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Krispy, you are a strong woman. No matter what happens, no matter your decision or what other shit is flung your way, you WILL survive this. You will be okay. You're naturally defending yourself in the best way possible. I, too, had to just sit on information for several months. I couldn't handle the severity of the situation so I just survived for about 3 months. One day, I just woke up and knew what had to be done. You're doing the right thing. There's no pressure to make huge decisions right now. Keep drinking and eating and exercising. Spend lots of time with your boys. They'll give you something to look forward to everyday.
I'm sending you lots of prayers and support. You're doing great, Krispy. We're all here for you.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Well, you do have company, a similar 7 or 8 year LTR I discovered from my WW, along with several other "quickies along the way.
Never saw it coming, and yes, it does make you feel like a complete idiot. You will eventually realize all those clues you decided to ignore in the past that should have been red flags.
The good news is that you will rarely miss one again. You'll begin to see those in other people as you get tuned into all the signals.
You will find good advice from those here that have been down every possible avenue of Shitville.
Try to keep a sense of humor about it, because you will get through it.
It's time to be a little selfish and take care of you for awhile.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

AlwaysTooNice, may I ask what the "right thing" was in your case? Did you D or R?


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, March 30th (Sunday)

By the "right thing," I meant you were taking time for yourself and not being pressured into making life-altering decisions when your emotions are off the chart. I would never suggest a "right" or "wrong" choice regarding someone else's relationship. Just to clear up my previous statement.

In my case, I did move out for separation and just lived day to day for 3 months. I just survived while my heart and head constantly fought. I went back and forth like a ping pong ball. Should I give him another chance to get his shit together? Should I move on before wasting more time (and possibly/probably suffering more heartache)?

One day I just felt like my head cleared, the fog lifted, and I just knew. Our marriage was a sham. He lied and cheated from the time we were dating. The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was. And I realized that he would have to turn into a completely different person in order for me to even truly contemplate R. That's not fair to ask of him, and I would only be let down for years to come.

Your relationship and situation is different than mine. Just know that you can take all the time you need to figure out what's best for you and your future. We're all here to listen or offer our experiences for you.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, March 31st (Monday)

He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it.

Realizing they are broken and only they can fix themselves is a huge first step and you made it very early on. I wish I would have come to this realization as fast as you have!

Take care, and wish you (and your kids) the very best!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
AlwaysTooNice
Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, March 31st (Monday)

That is so true, BSB. They will only fix problems they find worth fixing. I think true R can only be achieved if the WS is 100% dedicated.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 31st (Monday)

You seem to be detaching from him, that must be good for you whatever the final outcome may be.

Was he having these other encounters during the years with OW? if so, what sort of an idiot is she, even if they pre-dated her, she knew about them and still got involved with him. aargh what a moron.

You don't need to make any decisons right now, as you said, you feel like you are treading water, well you need to wait unitl your feet can touch ground again.

In the meantime, if he is still trying hard to gain your trust to make the marriage work, and is having no contact with her, well good, at the very least it is a kick in the teeth for her. she must be furious that she is trying so hard to split you up and he hasn't left you and you haven't kicked him out.
No matter what your decision is later, for now at least take some dark satisfaction in that she's not getting what she wants.
Stay strong (((((hugs)))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 31st (Monday)

The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was.

That was the realization that I came to as well. It is a very hard thing to do, because you don't want to give up what you thought you had. But our marriage wasn't going well before the A, and that is what I have to face in my own IC.

I also am *starting* to see that forcing him to stay would have been asking him to be someone who he doesn't want to be. We were not very sexually compatible, for example, so I think it would have only caused more struggles for us later. Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less at all. I lost the dream I thought I had...but it wasn't real.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 31st (Monday)

krispy, I am so sorry you have had the misfortune to need SI, but I am so glad that you found us and to find us so early on. (It took me 8 months.)

I feel the 180 is very good for you at this point. It is usually used to detach from a remorseless WS. Do you feel that your WH is remorseful? What has his actions been since d-day? BTW, WH needing "closure" was not what a remorseful WH should have been thinking about. Once again, thinking only about what his "needs" and not what is best for you.

In what context did OW give you all the other information? Did you contact her or did she contact you? I would suggest you go NC with OW. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She, in fact, wants to destroy you and your marriage. Destroying you makes a path straight to your WH for her as does destroying the marriage. OW will make sure she tells you everything (and oftentimes make up stuff or exaggerate) in the most hurtful way possible. Your WH is in CYA mode. He doesn't want to give you anymore information because he wants to control the damage he has done.

7 YEARS IS A LONG TERM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP>>>>A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE>>>>>
I vehemently disagree with this statement. It was nothing like a marriage. NOTHING. OW was just a long term cumdumpster. My FWH liked the fact that he didn't need to put any effort (other than his sneaking around) into the OW. OW was there ready and waiting with legs spread and all FWH had to do was make the call, show up, fuck her, and then be on his merry way. Marriage isn't about that. Marriage is messy and hard work. There is a household to run, children to raise, bills to pay, extended families to deal with. It takes time and effort. It just isn't a fuck for an hour in the morning and fucking on weekends in the time it takes to run errands. My FWH had a LTA (which OW said was 7 years but FWH denies) and he wasn't in love with it. What he was in love with was the attention, the ego kibbles, the shady side sex, the feeling of power and control. Oh, he liked OW well enough. He did spend one three day weekend with it when I thought he was on a snowmobile trip with his BFF. He realized on that weekend he would never, ever want to spend that much time with it again. However, OW was still good enough to fuck on the side. I want to let you know that many have recovered and reconciled their marriages after LTA's. We have a thread in the ICR (I CAN RELATE) Forum that you might want to check out. Some of the WS's have had a 25 year LTA. Actually, the lack of an emotional attachment to the AP is oftentimes why an affair is able to last that long.

I know you are leaving it up to your WH to fix himself, which is what needs to be done. I would like to suggest that you print off something from the Wayward forum for your WH to read, though. My FWH was very remorseful immediately. He told me he would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. The thing was, he didn't know what he needed to do. Most WS don't know what to do. When I found SI one of the first things I found was the "Things that every WS needs to know" thread in the Wayward forum. I bumped it so it should be on the first page of the Wayward forum. I printed it off and gave it to WH. He read it and started doing the things that were suggested. He used it as a guideline of what he needs to be doing. It was extremely helpful to him and in turn me.

Please keep posting, krispy, and let us know how you are doing. (((((((((((((((krispy)))))))))))))))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Thanks again to all of you. Today was a particularly bad day -- really feeling the weight of the betrayal and the extent of the damage it has done to me -- and it was good to come here and read all of posts from people who have survived or are surviving this hell. I had no idea there was so much misery out there. I am so very sorry that this forum is necessary, but so very glad I am not alone.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
jules6710
New Member
Member # 42965
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Krispy it was not a "common law marriage", it was nothing like a marriage. That is like comparing apples and oranges. She was a booty call, nothing more. In fact I think often the LTA shows even less committment to the OW, if he had wanted to be with her he could have left a long time ago. The affair itself became a habit and circumstances (the fact you did not find out and that the OW clearly has so low self esteem that she was happy to accept whatever scraps of his time she could) allowed it to continue for a long time. Read this post from another SI member concerning the character of the OW

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

Don't even think about making any decisions for the long term yet, it's far too early. However, be aware that just like any bad habit this will be hard to break. Do not assume that all contact has been severed. The OW has a lot invested in this and is unlikely to give up easily. And he, even knowing this is wrong, may not be able to help himself at this point (still in the fog) until he is further along in therapy.

Think of him as someone who needs protecting from himself right now. Install GPS on his phone, get passwords to all his mail/social media, insist on utter transparancy from him regarding his movements. And get a restraining order on the OW.

Don't listen to anyone telling you that you have to divorce him because of this LTA affair. Stick with MC and wait and see how things develop and whether you see true remorse from him. And remember, at this early stage your feelings may well flip from one day to the next, even from hour to hour. An LTA is not automatically worse than other affairs.

As for your despair right now, it's hard to give a timeline. So much will depend on how your H behaves from her on in and how helpful he is. I am nearly 17 months from DD and still think about it every day, however the gut wrenching pain and despair is gone (cant remember exactly when). Dont look too far ahead, survive one day at a time. And you will survive, because you will discover that you are an absolute bad ass! :)

Right now you need to spoil yourself. Treat yourself at the salon, buy new clothes, do anything to help make yourself feel better. Cancel any committments which are not absolutely necessary.

My husband also had a LTA. Pls PB me if you want to compare notes!!!!!

Best wishes

Me: 51 yrs
WS: 56 yrs
Married : 21 years Together: 30 years
Kids: 16 & 19
Affair 8 years!
DD: November 2012


Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Europe
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Krispy, I'm so sorry to read this. Everyone has their own response. My history is similar. My WS had a twelve year 'love' affair that I found out about 23 months ago. He was also in another relationship that had endured for 18 months concurrently. What I additionally found out six weeks later was that there was a previous affair that lasted for ten years and various others. It sounds hideous, I know.

What I can say is though is that my WS has done everything that I have asked of him. He dropped the one he 'loved' (it wasn't real love - how could it be?); and has been in IC and MC and I am now the most important person in his life. He was like a deer in the headlights for the first two months or so and it took a good year for the 'fog' to lift but he was determined to work on the marriage and himself after I found out.

Three weeks is such a short time. I am almost two years out. It's been hell but it's getting better. A marriage can be worked on if two people want to make it so. You need real glue underneath and a real friendship too.

Please take your time to consider your options but don't simply take your WS's words as gospel truth. Use your forensics and check everything for evidence of anything else and watch him! Watch his actions, his body language, his responses to your questions and read as much as you can. 'After the Affair' is a must and is certainly a book that should be read together.

MC is for the both of you once all the truth is out. No point if he's still hiding or foggy.

Please read as much as you can here but you can't take ALL the advice that is offered.

Please keep posting too. It's a great site and a wonderful help - especially in the beginning.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

'After the Affair' is a must and is certainly a book that should be read together.
I don't agree with this book recommendation at all. Maybe later on in your healing journey, but not now. Two much better books are "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald for your WH. But, you should read it, too. It is a very short and easy to read book. Can be done in a couple of hours.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

My IC recommended "Not Just Friends," and I found it helpful up to the point where she starts describing tasks leading to R. I am simply not ready to read those chapters yet, so I keep re-reading the how-to-deal-with-trauma parts, and they keep being very useful.

WH read the other one, highlighting most of it. I skimmed it and agreed with what I saw, but left it to him. It's his job.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

krispy, we didn't read NJF's until about 8 months after d-day. That is when I found SI. We had gone to MC and it was helpful, up to a point. Basically, after 2-3 months of MC she said we were good and dismissed us. Basically told me to rugsweep. Which we did. Until I nearly had a nervous breakdown and finally found SI and my sanity again.

NJF's was recommended here to me. We got two copies. FWH and I each read a chapter a week and set up an agreed time every week to spend at least an hour discussing what we had read and what spoke to us in the chapter we just read. This was better than the MC we received. It jump started so many deep emotional conversations in a weekly discussion. I don't feel I would have been ready for that at 3-4 weeks post d-day. I understand how you aren't ready for that part of the book. Many recommended to skip the chapter(s) on the AP's as who gives a fuck about them.

I am glad you are reading NJF's it is a great book.

(((krispy)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Many recommended to skip the chapter(s) on the AP's as who gives a fuck about them.

I was not aware that there were chapters on/for them! Thanks for the warning.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 45