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Just Found Out
User Topic: so many fears
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I am new

found out in oct 2013 that he was cheating, suspected over the years but no real proof. we have had problems of course but for him to tell me ILUBINILWU was devastating. he will not give up OW because 'she has nothing to do with us, and his feelings about me wouldn't change if she wasn't in the picture'
I was willing to work on it but now I'm not sure. we have 3 kids and I am a SAHM
I started counseling alone and he came once out of 5 visits so far.
I still really love him and I pray we can find a happy medium and continue our marriage, and keep our family in tact.
it turns out there is more than one OW, and I am finding out bits and pieces of this horrid story via my own investigating. i'm not sure that he knows what I know but he knows I am suspicious.

I'm so scared to make a move

what if he wont move out if I end up putting him out
what if he leaves us for the OW
what if he tries to come back after leaving
what will this do to my children
how will our families react
will I find a job that sustains us if he leaves

I know this is a choppy post, missing info etc but my mind is a mess right now

I have been reading a lot on this site and I realize the things I should do but its really hard to get started. Its crazy to me that I still love him enough to try and protect him from the consequences of his cheating by not taking some kind of action

he said he wants to try and work things out but he has yet to do anything substantial, like cutting off the OW
I guess i'm hanging on to hope that he may have something left for me. why am I settling for scraps and crumbs? my mind says "put his ass out" but my heart says "give him a chance, he's in pain too"

what the hell is wrong with me?


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I am so sorry. It is not fair to you that he keeps seeing the OW, while you have the constant pain of being rejected. He is cake eating as we say here, and having the best of both worlds. It's so much less than you deserve and he needs to see consequences for the A. Otherwise he has no motive to change. And if being pushed off the fence means he ends up with the OW, it may hurt but it is far better than suffering in limbo with a man who no longer loves you!

Don't feel stupid that you still love him as it is normal...but stop letting your fear of change hold you captive. You're so unhappy right now that any change is good. You will figure out the finances, etc as you go forward.

Many advise to take half your money out of joint accounts before confronting. Please also see a lawyer ASAP. Knowledge is power.

Sending you strength. You are worth so much more in this. Stand up for what you deserve.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 14th (Friday)

thanks norabird
you are so right and I know I need to do something


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
yme32313
Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 14th (Friday)

Let him know how it feels to be without you and having that dependability he has had on you.
I left the house and my husband hated the fact that I wasn't around, no one to call, no one talk to at dinner, sleeping alone.
My husband had been a bachelor for 40+ years and the 5 months that I was married to him and left because of what I found out prior to getting married, had him devastated.
He was so dependent on me that he didn't know what to do to himself.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Imissmyhusb.. My thoughts.. Change YOU.

Fears.. Courage will beat fear. Ignore your fear.

I'm so scared to make a move

This is about YOU and your courage you can find. It's much like jumping into a cold pool.. you fear the shock of the cold.. yet in a few minutes you get used to the water.

what if he wont move out if I end up putting him out

You might not be able to put him out. You ask him to move out. If he won't, do not cook for him, no laundry, no talking other than, No, yes.. Do not touch him. If he comes in your room, you go to anther. You start looking to be independant.

what if he leaves us for the OW

You should view this a postive. This could be a very good gift to you. Good men fight for his woman, even when he sins.. he sees his sin and wants to no longer be that man.

what if he tries to come back after leaving

That will be YOUR choice, not his.

what will this do to my children

It will hurt them. This is when you will need to be very good. Learn what it means to raise kids healthy in D. You stop being a little girl and become a woman.

how will our families react

How hard is it to say, "I am not going to live my life with any man who believes in infideltity" That is not what YOU signed up for. Who in thier right mind would not RESPECT that?

will I find a job that sustains us if he leaves

That depends on YOU. What is your passion? Now is the the time to chase it..

Be a woman.. Be strong.. This is a choice, an attitude.. A girl will crawl up, hide, stay depressed.. Change YOU.

You never needed a man before you got M and you don't need one now. A good man will choose to join you in your life in happiness and be open, loving, caring, giving, intimate.. Good men have been thrown out by selfish women. I am sure you are very attractive in many ways or your weak H would have been gone a long time ago. A selfish man will keep you around to enjoy those attraction.. He is not worthy with an attitude of.. I don't need any Counciling.. That means he is such a man who will not work on himself to improve. If he won't now, he NEVER will. He is one of the 1/3 of weak men in this world. You can do far better. The odds are in your favor.

No man is ever going to tell you again he loves you but not in love with you. That is a weak man. A weak person. You make yourself worthy of only strong men. Either a man is going to be ALL IN.. or the woman in YOU says get out. 1/3 of all men are stong men, these kinds of men, masculine, the kind YOU want.

A new job, a new career, this will bring you much strenght. Focus on that! be independent.

Anybody can do it. It take effort. Courage.. your fear will then fade.. when they do, good will come.

Attitude.. thoughts always come before feelings. YOU control your thoughts. You work toward having good feelings, go have fun with friends, excersise, do a hobby.. work on a new career.. Want less "things".. Strong is good, attractive.. YOU be strong.

It is his choice to seek Counciling. There are consequences to his weak, unmasculine self, This kind of man should get disqaulified.

Tell him what you know.. tell him that YOU are making the choice he is too weak for you. And you are not going to be with a weak man.. Take on this attitude... 100% effort by him or he is NOT WORTHY of YOU..

Your peace will come with strenght! Be strong, I know you have it within.. we all do. Start today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:55 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
DragonBunker
Member
Member # 42551
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 14th (Friday)

This is scary, and I can only answer your questions with the experience that I have- I had the same fears.

Your kids will be fine if you are honest with them in an age appropriate manner and never fall apart in front of them. For a child to see their parent lose control is a potentially terrifying experience.

If he doesn't leave her and instead leaves you, or comes back and it doesn't work, you will be sad to begin with. And angry beyond belief. But you will be free. And from freedom comes a chance to build a new, stronger you and a better, happier life. I promise x


Never looking back with longing. Always looking forward with hope.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Courage is definitely lacking right now

Im afraid of the unknown
Im also still kinda in denial. I cant believe this is happening to me


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I have been told that i am strong because i have kept my composure and not reacted
I think i am numb


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I didnt mention that OW is married... to a cop. Im so afraid that he will try to do my H serious harm w his weapon.

I dont want anythg bad to happen
I see 'the fog' written all over him.
Its very sad and yes very scary


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I guess i'm hanging on to hope that he may have something left for me. why am I settling for scraps and crumbs? my mind says "put his ass out" but my heart says "give him a chance, he's in pain too"

He's not in pain.

In fact, he's in the opposite of pain. He's got a wife and family at home, and an OW on the side to stroke his ego and other parts. Sound like something you would enjoy? Me neither. that's because we have empathy and honesty and are not selfish and cruel.

He is selfish therefore he is not in pain.

Don't ascribe to him feelings of empathy that he doesn't possess.

Get angry. Put him out, or leave yourself with the kids.

Also in regard to a prior suggestions to take 1/2 the money. I'd actually take 3/4 since you will have the kids with you. Split it proportionate to however many kids you have.

I am so sorry he is doing this to you. Be strong. Keep reading here for support. Tell your entire family! Including his! Expose the OW.


Posts: 451 | Registered: Feb 2014
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I've been reading a lot about this stuff, and when I found out, I was numb, too. That is a natural reaction according to a lot of blogs and web sites I've read. That is just your brain's way of protecting itself. Please follow the good advice that the others have posted. See a lawyer, make sure you have half the money (I got cleaned out) and do what needs to be done. One small task/baby step at a time. You will eventually regain your power and be able to cope with it all.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Oh yeah
They work together, H is OW immed supvsr

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 2:54 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I found out yesterday that OW H knows. He used a recording device


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Why didn't you expose it to OW's H when you first learned of the affair.

The fact the OW is H's inferior at work, means he could lose his job.

Not only is he hurting you emotionally and physically, he is also putting your family's financial well being at risk.

Time to see a Lawyer. He will continue cheating on you as long as you allow it. Up until now, you haven't given him any consequences for cheating, so he has continued to do it.


Posts: 451 | Registered: Feb 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I thought he would try to kill my H
Maybe unlikely but i couldnt chance it. Now he knows so my worries begin for Hs safety


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

Thank you to everyone for your responses

This is the most difficult situation


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 15th (Saturday)

It is a difficult situation certainly and my heart goes out to you. But ask yourself: why are you so worried about your H, and not about yourself?

He decided to put himself at risk by having this affair. I certainly hope the OW's BH does not go after him but, why is it your business? Did you cause him yo take that risk? No! So why on earth are you worried that he might see consequences for his actions? That is HIS problem. Your problem is how to protect your emotional and financial well-being. Stop thinking about him and protect yourself instead. You need to learn to be selfish. Caring so much about him didn't make him treat you right so now he has no right to be given the time of day by you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 15th (Saturday)

I have been told that i am strong

Super.. These are people who know the real you.

Ignore the numbness.. View this a temporary pain in your life and it will be.

Forge on! You once were fine single right? a power you once had that is within you.. to find again. You can and will.

No Man treats you this way. Be strong.

Peace be with you..


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

I have been going to counseling and he has said the same things you all have said - dont be concerned with the outcome. I am on the fence just like H


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
ChinaCat
Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 16th (Sunday)

trynhard:

What you posted above has given me a whole new outlook on my situation!

Thank you from the very top of my heart!

I printed out your words and am putting them in my pocketbook and my drawer so i can read it while I make my journey.

Thank you!


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 17th (Monday)

How can i confront without revealing my sources? I want to be able to continue to use them.
I know he will deny and deny so i expect to need to provide proof to get this conversation moving.

Help


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Nothing is wrong with you....everything is wrong with him! Do NOT blame yourself for his selfish actions. He is not in pain, but completely sick in the head! Start your journey and focus on YOU! He doesn't deserve you focusing on him. I know the thought of the future scary but there is no doubt about it that you will grow tremendously in ways you don't even realize at the moment.

We are all understand and here for you on your journey. It is not fair and not right but we understand your pain!

Keep your chin up and find your inner strength. You've got this and will make it through!!! Hugs!!!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

You can stonewall if he asks how you know. Just say you do. That's the part that matters, not how, and if he just wants to focus on how you found out, he's not getting it--the real issue is his behavior.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

You don't have to tell him how you know, just that you DO. Do not ask him IF he is doing this, tell him that you KNOW that he is.

How did you find out that the other BS is aware?


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Good men fight for his woman, even when he sins.. he sees his sin and wants to no longer be that man.

t/j - Sorry, but I just had to say how much I LOVE this quote.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Another one saying you don't reveal your sources-ever. Say you know. If he asks how you know say that doesn't matter, what matters is that I know.

As long as you are worried about how things will fall down on your husband, he will continue to treat you like you don't matter. Nobody should be treated that way, especially a spouse. You need to start being concerned about yourself.

Start exposing. Kick him out. He wants her-let her have him. I'd drop all his stuff off at her house in hefty bags. You could just leave it out on the front lawn.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1895 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I know the other BS knows because i have Hs email password and i saw an email from OW sayg her H recorded their conversations w a secret pin.
She also said that her H accused her and 'he believes it'. 'It' meaning that she is involved w my H, i presume.

I know you all are tell me the right thing, to look out for me, stand up for me... But its really difficult. It something i hav to explore further in IC.

In my last session i talkd abt the women i grew up around didnt stand their grounds either, so i at least know where i learned it from. They all accepted crappy treatment in some form. Why i am havg so much trouble breakg free from that pattern is another story

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 12:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Imissmyhub, there was a story in, After the Affair by Janis A Spring that reminds me of your story. The H, cake eating, the wife hoping he "sees the light" and the AP waiting in the wings.

The wife eventually played it cool. Was friendly, but kept busy, went about her life, no begging, pleading, etc. The AP grew more demanding. Turns out, he wasn't so in love with the AP after all. He eventually realized what a jackass he had been and wanted to come home.

The sitch as is, cannot sustain itself. You need to be the change you want to see. Isn't that a saying on greeting cards? Be the Change you Wish to See in the World?

You can do this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I know you all are tell me the right thing, to look out for me, stand up for me... But its really difficult. It something i hav to explore further in IC.

In my last session i talkd abt the women i grew up around didnt stand their grounds either, so i at least know where i learned it from. They all accepted crappy treatment in some form. Why i am havg so much trouble breakg free from that pattern is another story

It's a journey for sure. Keep exploring it in IC and maybe the light will dawn. If we could see our problems and fix them by snapping our fingers, the world would be a different place! But instead it is a long process. Starting to ask the questions is huge though. We all are accountable (though not blame-worthy) for our own attitudes, and yet often don't quite know what drives them; it's like unpeeling an onion or unknotting a ball of string to try and figure it all out.

Keep building up your knowledge of yourself and your strength will come out of that knowledge. Be the woman who breaks the pattern. You can do it. We believe in you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Welcome Imiss,
You know that you are in a safe place here. More importantly you know we are trying to help you from mistakes we have made and seen others make.

I am also going to be me, and not pull any punches here, and give you my take on this.

You are in an abusive relationship. Yes you are. Any man that has an A, and makes his wife a choice is abusing her.

Your fear of the OW's spouse harming your spouse is really unfounded, there are stories, and so forth of a cop losing it and shooting the AP, but believe me more often than not they don't. Why would he risk his prosperity, his profession, his livelihood to harm some man that his wife CHOSE to sleep with.

You on the other hand have allowed fear to paralyze you. You cannot allow this. Do you realize the horrible example you are setting for your kids? That is acceptable for a man to treat his wife like an option, that lies are ok, that you don't deserve respect? No Way sister. You need to pull up your big girl britches, and start taking control of the situation.

You said you don't want to confront because you will loose your source? Why is this important? You already know he is cheating. What is your plan. Are wanting to R? If so why? And don't tell me because you love him. What are the real reasons you are choosing R over D. Lets get the stuff you are afraid of out on the table.

You mention you are afraid of losing him. Honey you already have. You are allowing your husband to have a girlfriend. That is not ok.

See a lawyer immediately. Find out your rights, his responsibilities, and what would happen should you have to get tough and show him the door.
Read up on 180 start implementing it, this will give you strength.
See a Dr, and if you are not sleeping and having trouble with eating talk to them about it, in addition have STD testing done. If you can't sleep then you can't keep emotions in check and make sound decisions. Sleep deprivation is real and harmful. Get some meds to help you through this if you need to. No shame in it.

You deserve so much more in life. Time to start reaching out and getting it.

Keep reading, keep posting.
I bumped some great topics the ones with bullseyes, if you haven't read them please do. I wish I had that info prior to confrontation.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Since your WH is OW immediate supervisor he is risking his job and his family's financial security. I would ask him isn't he afraid her H might find out and tell his company?



BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Tushnurse gave you some SOLID advice imissmyhusb. Seriously, read that last post a few times.

You on the other hand have allowed fear to paralyze you. You cannot allow this. Do you realize the horrible example you are setting for your kids? That is acceptable for a man to treat his wife like an option, that lies are ok, that you don't deserve respect? No Way sister. You need to pull up your big girl britches, and start taking control of the situation.

Also, you need not reveal your source to confront. That is YOUR biz. You need to get your power back.

The teeter-totter is waaaay off balance here.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks again for your replies

Tushnurse pls be you :-) i need to hear it

All out in the table, here it is...
- i dont wanna raise my kids alone
- this shit is embarrassing.
- i dont have a job and dont know when i will get one that cn sustain my family without him. I have no savings and if he doesnt give me what i need im kinda screwed
- i do love him and i am hopg, based on resding posts on this site, that he will emerge from the fog and mend his crazy ways like some other WSs did.
- it hurts that he doesnt love me anymore and i want to feel that from him again
- i dont wanna have to explain 'why daddy left' to my kids

So many reasons that im sure are desperate attempts to save what feels like my life! This is the worst and im scared


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

i do love him and i am hopg, based on resding posts on this site, that he will emerge from the fog and mend his crazy ways like some other WSs did.

(gently) imiss, they don't just "emerge" from the fog. It takes place after some major introspection on their part and most often when the BS takes a hard approach.

i dont wanna have to explain 'why daddy left' to my kids

You don't have to explain it to them. He can do that. But really, wouldn't you rather let them know when they can fully understand, how Mommy used every ounce of strength she had inside of herself, picked herself up and came through a horrible time with sheer guts and a whole lot of effort and found a much better life?

That's a much better story then fighting for this excuse of a man.

I wish you well Imissmyhusb


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2457 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I'm other than his financial support aren't you already easing your kids alone?!? I know I was when H was in his A.
Do not assume that e will not provide you financial support. There are laws to protect you and your kids. Do not assume you know what will happen. SEE A LAWYER.

As far as revealing your source I would quickly reach out to the APs spouse and work together to drag this ugly shitstorm out into the bright daylight where it will shrivel up and die. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. Now if you continue to allow him to have a wife AND a girlfriend and do nothing then you will have something to e ashamed of.

As far a the kids go, they are far more intuitive than you know. It isn't your job to explain why daddy left, that is on him. Honestly the day I threw H out and told him it was up to him to explain to my kiddos why dad wouldn't be here anymore. That I think is. Big reason why he finally got it. He was going to loose it all.

It's up to you to put you and your kids first. He won't do that. He is worried about himself and his ego only. To get him back and out of the fog isn't some magical mystery. It is taking control and telling him you will not tolerate one more minute of it. But be ready o follow through. Because even if he wants to stay, he will try to have his cake and eat it too, or his wife and girlfriend both.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks for bumping those posts. I had read them months ago as a lurker

Lots of good info here

I found out where OW H works... How to start that conversation OMG


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Did you talk to him?????


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 31st (Monday)

Who, to my WH or the OWH?

I did not speak to OWH yet. Im overthinking it, worrying about where the chips will fall. I hav his job number. Im thinking of telling him that i am suspicious and see what he says. What do u guys think? Is there a better way to approach it?

I tried talking to my WH but he is still denying the A so thats that. We had a really good talk, then made the best love - omg it was awesome - HB i guess. Then i told him 'she doesnt love you'. It came outta nowhere and i figured since he seemed so loving and open and listening to me that he would listen to that. But no. He clammed back up and got mad, askg me what i know, what am i basing this on, defendg her, etc. the next day we talkd a bit more, he ate and then said he was going out 'for juice'. He was gone for 4 hrs, told me he was 'thinking and driving around'. But i saw the phone records and he calld her not more than 5 min aftr he left home and they talkd for an hour. Then they talked back and forth for the next 2 hrs, abt ten calls btwn them - 10 min, 5 min, 17 min, etc. Im sure he blabbed our entire conversation to her and they r plottg on how to hide some more. Pissed me off. Im done trying to make him see the light. Now i am lining up my ducks. This week i am looking for a L to consult with.


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
nekonamida
Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Imissmyhusb,

It sounds like you've realized you can't nice your WH back. Taking the first steps are hard but always remember that you can file for D and stop it from finalizing if he truly comes to you remorseful, stops denying the A, and takes full responsibility for it without blaming you, your marriage, or anyone else for his actions. I would highly suggest not sleeping with him again until OW is out of the picture through him going NC with her. Continuing to be a wife for him will continue to enable his cake eating.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

The disrespect they show is so staggering. I'm glad you're going to cut him off from his cake-eating. You deserve so much more.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SeekingPeace84
Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

Just wanted to add my voice to the others who are proud of you for doing the right thing, even though it's so hard! Best of luck and I'll be praying for wisdom for you.

(((((Imissmyhub)))))


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

I found out that he applied for an apt, after tellg me he wants to try to work things out. Why hasnt he mentiond thy he is actively looking to move out?
He did suggest separatg which i posted abt in anothr forum, but this is a big move he is makg in silence. Wow


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)

why are you still surprised?????........he is a cheater and a liar........do you actually believe anything he tells you??............you need to wake up..........he is already out the door.......this is what he wants..........he wants out,but will let you think it is what you want.........no contact and 180.....quick.....make him miss you

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Just removed him from my mastercard!
Next, set L consult

I know im movg slow but Im really tryg. this is painful

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 9:42 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
hewasmine
New Member
Member # 42727
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I have just been reading your thread here. You don't know it yet but your strength is building day by day. I have seen you grow and change just while reading these posts. You have to start living for yourself and your children. You said many of the women in your family have allowed themselves to be abused. You will break the cycle and teach your children better. Just know that when you see your kids upset by this they will be OK in the long run. You have to look at the big picture. Don't let another generation of your family accept abuse as a normal part of life. Fight for your kids well being and the well being of their future families. I am sorry you are going threw this. I think you should work with the other BS on this. Together you two stand a better chance then each of you do alone. Start the 180 today. You are worth way more then your husband is giving you. Demand love, respect and transparency or don't even consider R. Once you have seen a lawyer lay out what you expect from your WH and if he won't comply send him on his way. He doesn't deserve any more of your time if he is not doing what you want him to do.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

Imissmyhusb, as painful as it may be, now is NOT the time to move slow.

Summon up every little bit of courage and energy you have and get to a lawyer TODAY.

Your husband clearly does NOT have your best interests at heart at ths point. As horrific as it is to have to digest that fact, the bottom line is that you can no longer count on him being loyal to you and the children, nor can you count on him having yours and your children's best interests at heart. He's made it very clear that he's looking out for Number #1 and that's it. I'm so sorry, it's an ugly fact but it's your reality that you have to deal with.

You need to get to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Forget your aching heart, forget your battered soul, forget your devastation.

For the moment.

Swallow it all and get to a lawyer. You need financial protection NOW, Imissmyhusb. Before this man cleans you out and leaves you hanging on the clothes line. Please get an appt. with a lawyer NOW.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Thank you! U guys know my pain

Any suggestions on what to say to OWH?


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 6th (Sunday)

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 10:25 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 14th (Monday)

I contacted the OWH

He was very forthcoming with what he knew and i will be in contact w him to share info

Thanks for the 2x4s. I still hav a ways to go


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I plan to confront my H this week or next week. We hav a home business and i need him for some of the work so im not sure how the confrontation will affect that

OBS seems to really want to save his M but he sees that she is not truly remorseful. She confessd to a PA w my H but WH has yet to even acknowldg this A to me.

My plan is to put a few items of clothg in a bag with a letter i wrote cursing him out and the evidence (emails and facbk chats). I will drive to his ofc and leave it in the drivers seat of his car. (Stole that from another poster). The letter says that i dont want him to come home. I do want him to at some point, but the goal is that he gets a shocking realizatn of whats at stake. What do u think?


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 50