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User Topic: You all tried to warn me - napalm part 2
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Well that break up with napalm guy? It didn''t stick. After staying in contact somewhat (texting only occasionally) and a lonely xmas where for the first time in my life I spent the day by myself, we started talking for real. We had some heart to hearts. He demonstrated that he had made some changes. I realized I''m prejudiced about money and if I wanted this guy, then I needed to be ok being the breadwinner.

I thought things were going well. We were talking in terms of him moving here to be with me, as in dates. The only thing I asked was 1. to make sure he was done with CS payments and 2. to schedule the back surgery he needs. These two things were to help alleviate my anxiety about money & his health because if both of those things were done, then from my perspective he could come her without a job and it would be fine. If he wanted to work, yay but he would not *have* to work. Oh and the other thing was, I didn''t want to be sending him money to help him out b/c the goal was to get him to where I am, not pay him to make it where he was.

Ive been, as many of you know, more than generous and forgiving. But today, via text, he asked for more. And my heart started racing. And it made me feel like I''m nothing but a "sugar mama" because he was always asking, and very not understanding that I don''t have the money to send him. Even just $50. I''m tapped out trying to payoff the big bills (some of which went to him).

I was ruminating in my mind how to respond to the text given my visceral reaction to it. Before I do, he also tells me via text he finally spoke to the surgeon he has been playing phone tag with for weeks & that surgery for his back isn''t possible. And expensive. Ugh, but I wasn''t sure he wasn''t just being fatalistic about the surgery. And so I waited until I got home to call ... & after he explained the surgery thing a little (still not so clear) I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health. And he hung up on me. I tried calling back. And then he sent a text telling me I was selfish and that he never wanted to talk to me again and to never contact him. There are 3 more long texts I haven''t read because I''m sure they are just as ugly. And he''s already deleted me from facebook.

I''m stunned & not. I''m stunned because when I started with I feel like our relationship is ... all he had to do was say I disagree. Or don''t worry we"ll figure this out.

But obviously that isn''t what happened. I''m taking him at his word to not contact him. After all, what would I say?? Hey I was telling you how I feel and you took it too far, assumed the worst, attacked me and made sure that I know that I can''t trust you.

Well. Feel free to tell me "I told you so".

An expensive lesson. Wow. I''m just stunned. And sad.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

(((cayc)))

He sounds like a narcissist to respond the way he did. I'm sure it hurts like hell, as it's not fair. But I am really glad you broke it off. He is not good for you, your self esteem, your mental health.

Big hugs to you. I know it feels really bad.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Oh, honey. I'm sorry he turned out to be someone other than you thought he was. And I'm furious that he used and hurt you. You deserve so much better.

((((cayc))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25776 | Registered: Aug 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

((Cayc))

I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up over it- learn from it.

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7773 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

@williesmom, that''s part of why I''m not responding. To not get sucked in. I have to admit that I''m not even upset yet. I''m sitting here just stunned. I really don''t understand his reaction at all. bleah. I''m just bleah.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Emotions are very powerful things. It's hard to learn to navigate them. I don't say this as someone who knows how to do it, just someone who is starting to understand the magnitude of the difficulty.

((cayc))


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Take pride in the fact that you figured him out. It sounds like he was using you for the money, and when you pointed out this was becoming a problem, he probably moved on to his next piggy bank. You did nothing wrong, and in fact you didn't allow yourself to get sucked in any deeper. That's great!

Stunned is better than hurt. ((Cayc))


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 725 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Take pride in being able to recognize and learn an important lesson. Don't beat yourself up, there are many kind and compassionate people that are taken advantage of.

This time, you read him correctly, and learned a valuable lesson when he showed you exactly who he really is.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I don't understand this relationship you have with this man. Have you ever met him or do you just know him from online and texting?

If you have not met him, I'd say you were getting scammed all along.


Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

He sounds like something you would see on Dr Phil. I have the same question, have you met him? He sounds like a classic scammer. Run!!!


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Oh yes I''ve met him, we were dating & he had to move for work & we''ve been in a LDR for awhile.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Aren't you pissed off at this guy for calling you 'selfish'.....A-gain??!?? Anyone who has been *loaned* as much money as this guy has been has a lot of damn nerve to CONTINUE asking for more and even MORE nerve to get pissed off when you don't extend him any more credit. The cherry on top would be if he included another "You deserved what your ex did to you" statement in one of those additional messages that you haven't read yet.

CC, you want a partner who will share your life.....not a toddler who throws a tantrum when he is told 'no.'

surgery for his back isn''t possible. And expensive

Huh? Which is it -- not possible or possible, but really expensive? I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.

Good riddance to this guy.....and {{{hugs}}} 'cause I know you liked him.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I get the feeling that he is setting you up to pay for this surgery.
I have my doubts as to whether or not there was actual surgery needed. Back problems are very difficult to diagnose and we can all claims back issues on SOME level. I wonder if his was just a way to milk more money out of you.

So sorry that this happened, but I'm very glad you saw him for what he is before you sunk even more money and emotional investment into him.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I predict that he'll be back at some point, all sweet and apologetic. My wish for you is that you are strong enough to resist him.

^^THIS. This. A thousand times this.

The warnings haven't stopped.

"Selfish"?? Are.You.Fucking.Kidding.Me.? Its your fucking money!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This dance is familiar to you, me and all of us. You know how this ends.

Even if you do ignore these further warnings for the love of god please don't move in with him and do not support him. Do that for a few years and if he goes back to the man you thought he was then maybe this was a brain explosion.

I strongly doubt it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Oh Cayc!

I know it hurts but believe me before long you will surely look back and realize that you had a close escape.

My ex needed money from the start. These guys never change. There is always a crisis. They never have savings. They always promise to pay you back as soon as xyz happens and of course there is always some unforeseen event to prevent that.

I paid his debts, his dental bills, his medical bills and subsidized his business. I left my marriage poorer and now is is raging that he didn't get enough money in the divorce. Now he can't afford cataract surgery and that is my fault.

That is the problem: they don't get ever on their feet. They become accustomed to you paying and it sounds as if that was happening here, he expected you to pay.

You are right: you need a partner. This guy was never going to be it.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I woke up this morning to a string of ugly texts that I barely read and a Facebook friend request.

I just sent him this:

I wasn''t trying to break up with you. I was trying to express my distress over where we are & how frustrated I am about what''s going on. But you hung up on me and I haven''t read further than the first text since I know the rest are just as ugly. Why? Why did you have to over react and ruin everything? It didn''t have to happen. You didn''t have to take it so far. You could have listened, and been a real partner to me to talk with me and to try and figure out a solution for us. You didn''t have to be awful like this. You didn''t have to ruin everything.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

(((cayc)))

Sometimes it takes a few times for us to learn lessons that seem obvious to those on the outside.

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

He's shown you who he is. Please don't let him suck you back in.

You are so amazing and I know a great guy is out there for you -- but you won't be able to find him if you're trying to fix this guy who is so clearly broken.

More hugs. (((cayc)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Ugh. (((cayc))) Stay strong!!! I'm proud that you recognized what was happening and tried to talk with him about it. He certainly showed you his true colors when he hung up on you. I hope the break up sticks this time around. You deserve way better than anything this guy can provide for you!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

CAYC, cut off all contact with this guy. Don't keep dealing with him. He will be fishing to get his hooks back into you. You recognized him for who he was but still gave him the benefit of the doubt. He showed you exactly who he is now you must believe him.

Do not engage with him, block his number from your phones, block his email address and ignore his friend request. There are men out there that don't play games, don't use people, and truly appreciate and adore the women they are with. This guy is not one of them. No more projects. People have to take responsibility for there own lives and this guy isn't doing that and likely never will. He is leeching off you and likely others. Step away from the crazy.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

You didn't have to be awful like this. You didn't have to ruin everything.

Should have continued with......

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
getnbtr1
Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you are seeing things more clearly and that its painful. Good for you for setting boundaries by letting him know what you were feelings and that financing him was not acceptable.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

(((Cayc)))

I know it hurts, but he sounds very manipulative. Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

It sounds like you're very generous and patient, yet he throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

The tantrums are a way to manipulate and control you. You push back, he blows up, you feel bad, then he starts getting what he wants. It's a pattern.

Block him from everything so you're not tempted to get hooked back in. NC him.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

He's an expert abuser and he is pushing all your buttons.

If you continue to communicate with him or give him one penny more, you'll experience nothing but the same, over and over again.

The choice is yours to make. For your own sanity I hope you make the right one.

Why on earth would you settle for this?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17559 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I hate to say this cayc, but you shouldn't have sent that message. I understand why you did, it's hard to end things on an abrupt note without getting your say, but you still shouldn't have. Your gut feeling when he asked for money again told you everything you needed to know.

Please try to learn from my mistakes. I dated someone very much like this guy for a little over three years. He was and still is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. It was what made him good at using people for money. It was always about just this one time, or we can partners if you put up the cash and I'll do the work. It's funny, but I started to notice what he was doing to other people financially before I noticed what he was doing to me.

By the time I ended it I had $10,000 in additional debt. I never actually handed him any cash. For instance he'd tell me he was taking me out on his houseboat on Saturday and ask what I was going to feed us on the boat. After I we'd decide he'd tell me about the other 6 people he invited too. I'd feed them all. This kind of thing went on routinely. Because I was having a good time, and I felt privileged to be on his boat, I didn't really think about it. It turns out he didn't really own the boat. That was another no money from him "partnership" deal.

Please spare yourself the financial burden you will almost certain incur if you continue this relationship. He reaction to your refusal of the money speaks volumes. His wanted to make you feel cheap and superficial because he knows that's how he can keep you roped in.


Posts: 389 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I would never have the audacity to ask someone for money like that. Then, when turned down, lash out viciously? Seriously? Talk about screaming red flags!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Since I''ve sent that text, the FB friend request disappeared and there are 9 new ugly-grams which I haven''t bothered reading.

I learned an expensive lesson but I''ve learned it. I reall have no feeling about this right now. I''m just stunned and numb.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I believe you have dodged a huge bullet. In fact, a freaking grenade!

My mother always told me that if a man asks to borrow money from a woman, he's a bum and don't waste your time.

I used to brush it off and told her times are different now (she's 83).

After some hard lessons, I have found Mom was most definitely right.

I know it hurts, but please cut off all communication with this guy. You deserve sooo much better. In the long run, you'll look back and see it with a different set of eyes.

If you continue with this guy, you will become a piggy bank, care-taker, a mother. HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!

Good luck to you. Stay strong!


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

(((cayc)))I have nothing to add, you've received some good advice here. Be strong. Stay the course.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3213 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

^^^This is an interesting thought. I don't know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And I third the motion that there IS someone out there for you that will treat you how you deserve. You just gotta be brave enough to let go.

(((cayc))))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.

Definitely this....

((cayc)) you are a good person with a large heart who is also going through a difficult time right now which makes you more susceptible to manipulators like this.

I'm having a difficult time in some ways myself lately.

I'm going to say something you already know. You. Deserve. Much. Better.

I'm sorry he's acting like this, but I agree that it's better now than later. He really is showing you who he is. Dump the chump and don't look back. ((cayc))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

You definitely deserve so much better.

I also have to add: At our age, who does this kind of shit over facebook? Be a man if you've been an ass and want to apologize - don't sent me a fucking friend request.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7773 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health.

Ok, so I really want to point out that you say this, but then earlier in the post you basically say that you need him to be done with CS and surgery because then he won't be such a leach on you.

Hon, you made it about money from the moment you were not ok with being the bread winner.

As far as him, he showed you who he was more then was necessary to tell you what you needed to know about him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

* I have a boundary which is really important to me

and

* Hey, you're violating my boundary really hard; I don't want a relationship focused on this violation

seem logically consistent, to me. Having the boundary does not automatically focus the relationship on the boundary.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?
^^^This is an interesting thought. I don''t know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And this is why I''m stunned. And remain so. I''m still just numb in my reaction. It made no sense whatsoever. This is the one thing I''m turning over in my head. What''s this about really? My best guess so far is that he''s is ashamed of his situation and instead of doing something about it, he''s lashing out at me. So that''s where some of the over reaction is coming from, but it still doesn''t account for the scorched earth policy.

He''s still texting, it''s up to 12 today alone. I''m still not reading them. What''s the point? I guess the only good thing is that I''m not thinking what do I need to do to fix things, or what should I say, or really anything. It seems I am stronger today without even knowing it. I guess it crept up on me :)

(@undefinbl3, go back and re-read my opening post. You seem to have misunderstood.)


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?

Shockingly I do. With the exception of the chunk of change I gave this idiot, I''ve been responsible since the D. I''m ok. Not great. Not buy a plane ticket to the SI G2G next week room for maneuver. But ok in so far as I can meet my monthly obligations and eat without incurring more debt.



"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

he is ashamed of his situation

Nah. He was pissed off because you didn't give him money.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8828 | Registered: Jan 2008
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I vote mental illness. It's been brought up about him before.

Good for you for recognizing this for what it is, for not internalizing it, for not blaming yourself, for not reading his vitriol (can you let someone else read them and delete without you seeing?). That's huge growth and progress, and I hope you see that and take pride in yourself for handling this well.

And finally, huge ((((hugs))))


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13802 | Registered: Jul 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

It made no sense whatsoever.

Kind of like my Dday - it never fucking will because it isn't logical - it's crazy shit - and you don't need it in your life - ever again.

((cayc))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Please block this guy from all avenues.

The unfriending on FB...and the texts.....are all part of the game. Once you didn't respond, then he sends a friend's request (ooohhhh - lucky you....)

When you did not reply favorably (in his opinion), he pulls the request back and starts the ambush of texts again.

Please disengage from him (block his number, FB, etc). He is playing games - you deserve better.

hugs!!!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Why are you still receiving texts from him? He should be blocked.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Cayc,

Re-read this thread, but pretend it was posted by someone else. What would your advice to them be?

Block
Block
Block

This guy is nothing but trouble. You're still enough in the fog that you are trying to make excuses for him (he's ashamed, etc). He's a user and a manipulator and an abuser.

You can do SO much better!!!

Sheilds at maximum and warp speed away from this douche.

Edited for a typo...

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 2:49 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I''m not in any kind of fog whatsoever. That''s what this whole thread is about, admitting that this is a person I can''t have a relationship with. I''m also not going to block him. The day he says he has money to send, I''d like for him to be able to tell me.

I also don''t think I''m making excuses. I think I''m trying to understand so I can put it context so I can learn from this.

I did contact him again though to tell him to stand down and told him I was ashamed of his behavior and appalled that he thought any of this was ok. And that when he could I''d appreciate him paying me back as it would be the decent thing to do. He whined some but eventually realized that I''m not having a conversation with him, or even arguing with him, I''m merely saying it''s over. It seems to have worked.

I''m in this weird mix of disappointed, relieved and numb. In many ways this guy was a fabulous fit for me and my life. But obviously this not a fit component is too huge to overlook. I''m relieved because it''s resolved and any worry I had about being in a relationship with him goes away.

But, I feel body slammed. I''m just not in the position to meet men easily nor date for a long time before I move again and it''s hard for me not to see my fate as cursed. Which leads me back into being angry about the reason why I''m a member of SI in the first place. As if no matter what I do, I''ll never be free of the fallout of the A''s and D.

Bleahh. Meh. Dammit.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Stages of Recovery

Stage 1:
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.


Stage 2:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.


Stage 3:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.


Stage 4:
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.


Stage 5:
I walk down a different street.


((((cayc))))


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:02 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I'm not in any kind of fog whatsoever.

The day he says he has money to send, I'd like for him to be able to tell me.

I think you are in a fog, at least about the money.


Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 7th (Friday)

And it''s been a text and email free evening so I guess that''s progress :)


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I wouldn't hold your breath over the money. I know it royally sucks to lose it, but if that's the cost of not staying enmeshed...


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13802 | Registered: Jul 2011
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 7th (Friday)

(((((cayc)))))
you are not cursed.

It could have been worse if money is all you lost from this abuser.

Take good care of yourself. It's a process for all of us to find our way to a healthy fulfilling life after all the crap we've been through.

Self-compassion is key.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:35 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

(((cayc)))

I just read this thread. I''m so sorry to hear that.

This guy sounds like a classic Narcissist. All he cares is about himself and how he can manipulate you, and he will blow up when you go "off script" of what he expects you to do. He''s charming for sure, he has to be, it''s his job (i.e. that''s how he gets his money/supply/etc).

As much as it hurts, consider yourself lucky you found out relatively early. It''s worse the longer you''re enmeshed with him.

Take care of yourself. Better not to get any money back than to risk being sucked in by someone like that. Chalk it up to a pricey lesson learned.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

No one has a right to call you terrible things.

It is an abuse cycle. And they are fucking hard to see, and really hard to get out of when you are in one. I was in a verbally abusive relationship in college, my first serious boyfriend. It took 18 months for me to finally see him clearly.

Stay strong. Keep what he said to you in the forefront of your mind so you can have the strength to end it.

We are all here to support you. Look at this thread?? Look at the people who REALLY see you

You can do this.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

cayc,

Do you mind me asking (ballpark) how much this guy owes you? Because I don't think he's going to repay you. You might either want to just let it go and block him or go ahead and file small claims now.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

The barrage of nonsense appears to have finally stopped. I''m sure I''ll get the little bon mot every now and again for a bit, but at least the outright harassment has stopped.

It appears that what happened is we were talking about a tough subject and he says he heard me say "Yes, I want to break up with you" (with the implication that I want to do so because he''s poor and has a health issue). I said no such thing. But because he has low self esteem about these two issues, he expects to hear it and so his brain told him he did. And then in his hurt he conducted his scorched earth policy that gives me no choice but to walk away. After all, it''s not that I don''t care, but I can''t trust him. I can trust him to be faithful. But I can''t trust him not to be a mean motherfucking asshole to me.

I don''t think he''s a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (Whereas in contrast, I always blame myself for everything that goes wrong and I try and fix it).

As for the money. If he''s ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he''ll ever be in the position to do so.

I''m sad today. Amazonia is right. The first break up after a D is harder. The D, as hard as it is, you feel a bit self righteous because well, it''s so clear where the fault lies. But this new relationship had so much hope and overcoming the D built into it that this failure really hits at all of my insecurities (I''m old, I''m not girly enough, I have a career that makes me undesirable to men) and I feel hopeless. Like I''ll always be alone and it''s because there is something wrong with me. That I''m not lovable etc. and so on.

Damn. I''m very sad today. This really is just getting to be too much loneliness and pain to bear.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Intent is not a prerequisite for abuse.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Hey, be easy on yourself. Understandably you feel down. You've just had a huge betrayal of decency.
This is not the time to conjecture your years of relationships ahead.

When I hear you say this:

I don't think he''s a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (
I think you are working hard to explain his behavior. It's a bit like saying he's not really an asshole he just acts like one.

Take good care of yourself, get a massage, ride a horse, visit good friends, ask someone to do your favorite hobby with you. Consciously work to get your mind off of him every day until the pain recedes.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 10th (Monday)

If he's ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he'll ever be in the position to do so.

Presumably, he has your physical street address. If you relocate annually for work, then provide a second address of someone in your life who will always know your whereabouts. Then BLOCK him on social media. Block, block, block.

If you play with napalm, you will get burned.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 55