New Beginnings
User Topic: Red flag????
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I don't know what to think about this???

So this guy on OLD and I have officially winked at each other and started chatting. I asked him to tell me a little about himself because his profile was very short. He said, "My divorce will be official in two months but I've been on my own for a year."

In his profile it says "divorced"

So on one hand, he was honest in telling me up front that it wasn't final yet but on the other hand his profile says he's already divorced.

What do you guys think?

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I think that he is in the process of D and it is taking longer than he expected to work thru the courts. But I also would ask him why his profile says divorced when he is not in fact divorced. You need to know what he is thinking and mind set is.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17684 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I think this happens often. People "feel" divorced even though they are only separated or the case isn't finalized yet, and they know that a status of "separated" isn't going to get them the same amount of interest on a dating site.

Proceed with caution. The first stages of OLD and dating in real life are all about discovery not about decision making. He could be a liar about things, he could be an honest guy. You just don't know until you have conversations and find out more information.

Personally, I do have a pretty strict policy about not dating "separated" men...I just don't think people make good partner material when they are so fresh out of a marriage...I know I didn't and so I feel I have the right to generalize.

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I think it's okay because he clarified right away.

There is also a difference between "legally separated" with paperwork filed en-route to D and "separated" (which could be a trail separation, with plans to try out dating with an option of also R)

Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Echoing what better4me said...

It doesn't necessarily mean he's a liar or that there's a problem... it could just be that he thinks he's ready and since the D is on it's way, it's ok.

But he is EARLY in the process on this. He may have dealt with everything and be really ready to date. But odds are against it. The first few relationships during/after a D are usually crash-and-burn situations.

Not telling you to run, but I would either tell him you are only interested in casual dating & keep it that way (as long as his story checks out ok to you), or be EXTREMELY cautious proceeding with any kind of relationship.

Given hindsight on my situation along with how many people here and elsewhere I've seen who have had major problems dating too soon, I would probably give him a pass. But that's me. Follow your instincts, and if something seems off to you, pay attention to that.

Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

On CM you can not post your profile unless you say you are divorced or single.

On that note, my SO had to white lie because of that. He put me in his "favorites" and never emailed me. I contacted him and we started chatting and he let me know right away that his divorce wasn't final....which is why he didn't contact me yet under that DIVORCED title. He felt bad about having to lie.

So in my opinion, he told you right away. That's awesome! Keep chatting and good luck. :)

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 3:01 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

You know my policies....get your business done first. Regardless he's still a married man despite what he thinks. Personally if it were me, I'd tell him contact you agin in two months. You aren't going anywhere.

I won't even consider a woman who is only separated.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

When he filled out his profile he knew he was lying but he did it anyway because he knew women don't like to date separated men. He lied because he knew it would work out in his favor. Bad bad bad.

And it probably will work out in his favor he might find someone to date and if he even gets to chat with somebody he's got his foot in the door.

How does he know his divorce will be final in two months? Why believe anything he says anyway?

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Honestly, if everything else "checks out", then I'd at least give him a shot.

He could easily be like me, separated for over 3 years…and it has nothing to do with "not being ready" or "emotional anything", simply a financial decision we made.

Worth exploring, make sure the rest of his dates add up. (as in when he really moved out…) and go slow.

Oh, and have fun.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He's been on his own a long did he wait to start OLD? Seems a little red flag-y that he couldn't just wait 2 more months, and makes me wonder if he rushed into this. I'm totally projecting, but I know when I'm in the frame of mind that I just HAVE to have something, do something, be with someone, etc. and am feeling restless and impatient rather than accepting of whatever it is that's currently in the way, then that's a sign of a deeper issue that needs resolving.

My S and D process were very short and very close together, so I recognize that I'm not a good judge of when to date in an otherwise extended process, but something does seem a little off about this to me.

I agree with Sean. I'd tell him I'd like to get to know him better once his D is final (and if he reached out again in 2 months then I'd check public records to make sure it was final). If he's still interested once he's D and you're still single/interested after keeping yourself open to other possible matches, then you'll both only be better off for having given him the space to deepen his detachment from his M.

Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Not divorced yet but separated still...generally says to me there's still more behind the story than he's probably telling you. Besides, even if he's staying separated for financial or healthcare reasons for his stbxw do you really want to get attached to a guy who has those reasons for not being legally single? What future would you be hoping for? That hopefully he gets his divorce done? At this time, regardless of what reasons he's still married(financial, drama, etc), there will remain three in the picture. We certainly didn't want that with the AP's in the our marriages. Why would you want to start a brand new relationship with that in it? Save yourself a bunch of potential heartache and next him. Just sayin'.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Yellow flag in my mind. As someone said, this is a discovery process and until you have more conversations you can't tell what it means.

I had a long separation process as my x sat on the divorce papers for months stalling the process. After 18 months I felt ok to date, not expecting more than a few dinners out w nice men. As it turned out, by the time I got past the emailing stage, the phone call stage, the meet over coffee stage, and to my first real date the D was final. 4 years later I am still w this nice guy I met during that time.

Of course proceed w caution, but in my mind it is not a red flag, or a deal breaker, it's something to watch out for as you get to know him.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Personally for me, dating before the divorce is final would be a red flag. I would have a major problem with it.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

When I was OLD, I wasn't divorced yet either.
The only options were married or single. I put single, BUT the first line in my profile corrected that info.

I dont necessarily think dating before you're divorced is horrible, since some divorces take forEVER. XWH and I had been apart for quite a while and I'd already filed, so I saw no reason to sit at home.

That said, I was always up front about my marital status and didn't take offense if someone chose to opt out.

This guy told you right away. I say give it a shot if all else checks out...but proceed with caution!

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6526 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Not sure if you're on Christian Mingle as someone had mentioned, but a lot of other dating sites DO have 'separated' as a status choice along with single, divorced, etc. etc.

In my years of off and on experience with online dating, I came to find that most people who are separated were finding that no one really wanted to bother with them, so they changed their status to "divorced."

I had an iron-clad rule that I would NOT waste my time on 'separated' men and I stuck to it with NO exceptions. I had to argue my case several times with a few men who had contacted me who were separated and didn't like that I wasn't going to persue getting to know them because of that.

I'd also met one or two for drinks who had claimed to be divorced but confessed they really weren't...yet. I told them I DON'T date separated men and didn't appreciate being tricked into coming out to meet them.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

What is OLD.

Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013

Posts: 201 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

OLD = online dating

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6526 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
New Member
Member # 42660
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I don't think it's a red flag. If he didn't say divorced, it would say married. And if they are that close to a finalization, he is really only "married" on paper. Carry on...

When you betray somebody else, you also betray yourself. – Isaac Bashevis Singer

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Nashville
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I personally don't trust any OLD only because my WH use to use those and put he was single and he wasn't. I agree with SeanFLA. I would be very careful. You don't want to get sucked into the Drama of anything. You had your own. Its time to be free of that.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I've been in and out of OLD. He does indeed know that if he posts himself as divorced his chances are better of getting someone to accept him. Some people just don't like the "separated" status. I agree with Cmego, if all else checks out then I would give him the chance if you are interested in him.

BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 557 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 20