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New Beginnings
User Topic: Do you feel like you don't fit in anywhere?
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I wish I was part of a tighter knit community somehow. I feel very floaty especially since I divorced.

My work and home are far apart, I have friends far away too. Many I don't see. I am often alone and too exhausted from doing my best to stay afloat to socialize. It's a weird life. There are many good things in it I am grateful for but there is a lot of disconnection and feelings of being outside groups, not quite fitting in or being embraced by a group.

Is it just me? I know, probably not! But how common an experience is this? Is it just part of modern life?


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I understand. I like to be alone, but it wears on you after a while. I don't get a respite at work because my staff are a bunch of entitled 20-somethings--being an introvert, this is exhausting.

I go on hikes with different meetup groups and birding clubs, but I've yet to connect with anyone. I do have good friends (people I grew up with) about 3 hours away, so I get to see them every few months.

I think it's me (not saying, however, that you're to blame for your situation.) I have very diverse interests, and it's impossible to find someone who shares them or even compliments them. I try not to think about it too much.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20221 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Yes, especially when most of the people I know are couples. My age group doesn't seem to have a ton of singles and I feel like a third wheel most of the time.
I have even started to feel like I don't belong anywhere on SI either. Like I am not quite firmly in NB but I don't belong in D/S anymore. I feel more comfortable in D/S but I don't feel as though I have much to share there anymore since I am strict NC.
I guess I am kinda in limbo here and IRL.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I feel like this too. I am alone most of the time. I find it hard to move beyond the acquaintance level.

I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it does.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:09 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2683 | Registered: Jan 2010
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I have a great group of close friends, but lately I do find myself backing off from them. They are mostly couples, which hasn't been an issue, but maybe it is at times. Outside of work and time w my SO, which is primarily every other week, I'm finding myself alone most of the time. I know I need to change that but I haven't yet. Though I do feel rather isolated.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4561 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I am still trying to work outl where I belong. Maybe one day I will figure it out.....


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Yes this is exactly how I feel. It's frustrating and exhausting. I am hoping once my kids have grown up I can sort of re-invent myself and have a life of my own. But getting to the that point is a long time away. I have a few friends who either don't have kids or kids are too young or all grown up, nothing in between. I grew up in a military family, we moved a lot. I have no childhood friends that I am still in contact with. My schooling finished before the social media age commenced. I have a special needs child, and that is very isolating.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1348 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
waterloo09
Member
Member # 26422
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I feel this way too. I moved away from my family when I married and now I have a good job here and kids spend time with ex so I can't really move back. I think back to my childhood when every Sunday we had dinner with aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents and it makes me lonely and feel a bit bad for kids missing out on this experience. But, I don't think many families do that anymore. I really wish I had a close girlfriend. I have in the past but they are all married or coupled up and don't seem to have time for me any more. Not sure how to find a new bestie Between my work, kids and caring for a home there isn't much time for friends and family which is quite sad really! So yes, I often feel that I'm floating too, not connected to other people.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I have never fit in. I never felt I exactly fit in with my family. I love them and all, but I am very different from all of them. I never fit in at school, except my senior year when I started running with the "misfits" where our only common characteristic with that none of us fit in. I did finally feel I fit in with X, so for almost 20 years I did fit in. Then he betrayed me and I realized that I did not really fit after all.

Honestly, I have stopped trying to fit in. I have friends but no deep friendships. I am close with my family, but not very close. Even with DD, we are close and talk a lot, but in public my teenager DD does not want anyone to know I am her mother (nothing mean, just typical teenage actions). I don;t think anyone has ever really understood me and at this age I have stopped trying to find someone who might.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

My entire life!

My tastes are so diverse and sometimes contradictory and always changing. I like to go tent camping with a nice bottle of wine. I can appreciate vegan food and the thought behind it, but also a nice steak and the lifestyle that supports it. I can enjoy trash TV and an obscure Oscar movie. I want kids but don't have them, which at 30 I can say and people will ask why I don't just get knocked up? I can support both sides of a political argument, which strangely no one seems to appreciate

I try to focus on what I do have in common with people rather than what I don't. I can relate to most people on some level so that is still pretty good.


Posts: 3397 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I did at first. I felt like I was the only divorced woman for miles around. Everyone seemed to be in couples.

After a while, I just got used to it and stopped caring. While I do have great friends who are happy to spend time with me without dragging their husbands along, I also did two things that have been good for my introverted self:

I joined a choir because I love to sing. That has been a great way for me to get out once a week in a social setting, doing something that I love, and I feel like I'm part of a community.

I started volunteering for an organization. Again, it has been a great way to meet people, and I enjoy doing something for the greater good.

Doing those things, spending time with friends and family, raising three children, and working are more than enough socialization for me. I'm not going out and doing anything tonight, and I'm thrilled with that. You should join some sort of group. You'd be amazed by how much it makes you feel connected without sapping too much of your energy; my choir rehearses weekly, and I volunteer once per month. That has been enough for me.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

If you want to fit in somewhere, I also recommend joining a group. My running group has become a second family to me, and I also have made life-long friends as an adult through volunteering.

As you can see from this thread, there are a lot of people missing that connection, so sometimes it helps if you're willing to make the first move and see if someone wants to do something with you. (I know that is easy for me to say!)

Be open to someone who doesn't have all of your interests or who may not fit the type of your typical friend -- I have friends (in that I do things with them frequently and I know they'd be there for me if I needed it) in all decades from their 20s to 70s.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Same here. I go to work and spend my day in my office, because there is just so much to do.

I leave work, and go to an almost empty gym where I work out and go home to an empty house.

I have a group of girl friends that are all married and busy.

My platonic male friend recently purchased a business and is consumed with it.

I spend a LOT of time alone. It's also the winter that never ended here in Western PA. I'm going stir crazy, and I'm lonely.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Right there with you IL.

Ever since I moved almost 3 years ago. I either work for home or travel. I haven't found a 'group' here in town. I need to get involved in a group activity but I just can't seem to find anything.

I miss my friends at home and just don't see to know how to make new ones here.

It makes me sad.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8452 | Registered: Apr 2008
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I feel the same way. I've been kind of lost recently now that I'm coming out of the acute emotions of the D.

Socially, I've mostly been a hermit. I have the same schedule as some of the posters who work then come home to an empty house.

I don't hang with my married friends anymore because I just don't fit. I can tell my D makes some of them uncomfortable (rug sweeping in their own M). Most of my single friends have never been M and are dying to find "the one." I don't know if I'm too jaded or cynical to be encouraging and supportive.

I'm an introvert and enjoy my own company, but it gets to me sometimes. Thankfully, I have my furbabies to keep me company and bring me smiles.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 404 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
fadedrainbow
Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I feel the same. I am an introvert. I spend much of my time alone. I have very few friends here and no family here since I have NC with the X's family. I live in the UK but originally from the US and stay because my kids are here but no longer living at home. I have to force myself to go out of my house and I live in the big "exciting"city. Though I have been D for 4 years I am still coming to terms with the reality of my life now. I am sad to see so many of us feel lonely and isolated. I know a couple of people who have D because of infidelity but they are now happily remarried. No one else understands, except my IC, and SI er's.


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Wow, too bad we don't live in the same city, we could form a support group! My issue isn't so much not "fitting in" as not having "enough" connection with others. I have close friends and do fit in with them, but they don't come home with me after we go out and do something. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. The cat is company, but not "great" company. This is the part I dislike most about not being in a relationship with a partner.

I just read a chapter in a book about our need as humans for a feeling of connection. Ugh.

Is "trying not to let it bother me" the best solution??


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

In my experience, the key is to do one or two things regularly. It takes time to become part of a group. I would give it 6 times at a group to begin to feel a part of it. I think it is better to do a few things regularly than flit from activity to activity.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

This is kind of a interesting topic. When the hardest part of the recession hit it effected my industry really bad. I felt way lost and exWW couldn't really understand that because her business was going in the opposite upward direction and wasn't effected. The majority of men relate their worth and self-esteem to their jobs. Just like many women do the same thing with regards to motherhood sometimes. It's just how we are wired. We never had a household income problem, just a WW with an FOO and need for self-validation problem.

So upon discovery of her extra curricular activities and her decision to file for divorce I remember her saying..."Well I know who I am and that's your problem to figure yourself out." It was really mean and derogatory that way she said it. So in return I said..."Yes, you're an lying, egotistical adulteress who destroys our family and the family of the other BS....that's who who are. I hope you're proud of your accomplishments"

I still feel lost most days. I think the feeling (I read) stems from a lost in identity because many of us were married so long. If you asked who we are prior to discovery, most would say a husband, father, wife, mother or loyal partner with pride at what they've built with their lives. ExWW and I started out with nothing but our college degrees and moved half way across the country to take a chance when we were first married. She quit her professional job and moved for mine. But we worked hard and I thought did everything right. Now it's like all of that feels like it's gone.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Yes. I've felt like this my entire life.

Does anyone remember the music video of No Rain by Blind Melon with the plump, bespectacled little girl in a bumblebee costume who dances her way through her town until she finds a group of people just like her? That's me - but I haven't found my bunch of dancing bumblebees yet.

For those saying to just get out there and meet people and participate in groups, for some of us it's a lot more difficult than that.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I have been a loner my entire life. I am very introverted, and can get along with most people but it never really turns into deep lasting friendships.

I think that is why it was so hard to get past my ex cheating - he was the one person I really felt I connected with.

I have no friends from childhood, high school or college. I do have a couple close friends I met through hobbies and interests, but the one that lives the closest is an hour away. So it's hard to get together without some prior planning. Plus, she is a single mom and dating so she has a lot going on in her life. I have a couple other close-ish friends but they live 1+ hours away. Then there are some people from work and whatnot that I will go out to dinner with or grab a drink with but those are not people that I share real personal details of my life with.

I, too, am often feeling too exhausted after work and other personal obligations to really want to socialize. I don't make friends easily, so it's just easier to stay home by myself and be a hermit.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Yes, I feel this too. But I think ti has more to do right now with the fact that I live in the middle of suburbia with almost all married families around me. I don't fit in with them. I don't' fit it at the kids school, or at the pool or at birthday parties or at the park. They are all families. I do have a few single mom friends, but most have boyfriends. My BFF is married and has no kids…so she has no idea what my life is like. I only have one single girlfriend that isn't dating, but she works so damn much that I rarely see her.

Somedays it bothers me more than others. Sometimes I'm happy on my own, with my kids and animals around me. The introverted part of me is happy…but after awhile it sucks. I know I need to get out more and see my friends and meet new people.

But, yeah, my identity was wrapped up in begin a mom and wife. I've had to reinvent myself and I don't yet fit in.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Like I just don't quite get how to be part of a group or socialize with others. I think post-D, I've discovered how to be in a group of people. I've even made a couple of friends post-D...which is pretty damn exciting to me.

I don't have a social life to speak of...but I don't feel lonely...

For me, my difficulty was always in making the first step to reach out and ask someone to go do something...I'm getting better at that.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
JenniMay
Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I can relate!

I've always been an introvert, but it seems like post-D, I've really plunged deep into introversion.

I have really alienated myself from the few friends I had. My closest friend has never been married & is so hyper-focused on "finding a man". I can't bear to even talk to her b/c that's ALL she talks about. She thinks a relationship/marriage is the key to her happiness & her life isn't complete until it happens.

I am really happiest at home or at the barn---spending time with my animals (I don't have children). If it weren't for the ladies at the barn who I ride with, I'd be a total hermit--but I honestly can't say I'm unhappy. My life has just changed...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I have made some good friends in my rural area post D but they sold or foreclosed (our area is very underwater) and moved away. 3 good friends in the past 2 years. I think disconnection is the price we pay for mobile modern lives.

I just came from a seminar 4 hours away in the big city. There I saw many people I've known for years, had plenty of friends, acquaintances or colleagues in that circle. I fit in there, for a few hours a year. But I probably won't see any of them for another year or more. I just live too far away.

When I come home I am so glad to be away from the never ever ending buzz and noise of the city, to hear the songs of frogs, and the brightest swash of Milky Way stars - things you never experience in the city. I am grateful to be here, but I do feel more isolated.

I think I might plan a neighbor potluck to see if I can cultivate more connections here. I am almost exhausted at the thought,
But I have to try something. I don't think disconnection is healthy.



BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I know I don't fit in. I'll never be the warm, fuzzy person that everybody loves to be around. I wish I could be. My therapist says that the level of childhood physical and sexual abuse and abandonment I suffered made me hypervigilant in putting up walls to prevent me from getting hurt again. Being vulnerable is so foreign to me that I have no clue how one does that. I have lived most of my life alone, except for my wonderful son and my few good friends, and probably always will.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
eleanor2012
Member
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I really believe it is a part of modern day life. People are very stressed out. I notice no one entertains at home much anymore. I think it's a combination of a society that has to always be "perfect" in front of other people and the economy (people can't afford to entertain).


Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
eleanor2012
Member
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Whalers11:

I think there are many of us like you out here!

Of course, I came from a family where "friends" were not valued. Only family. So I was taught to be this way, but here I am :)


Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I know for a fact that I don''t fit in anywhere it''s a problem with no cure. Some of it is all of the reasons already noted (singleton surrrounded by families, 47 with no kids so I can''t hang with the single moms, small not close family, no friends from childhood, no friends who live near me, introvert who doesn''t do superficial well, & like lieshurt, I''m both defensive (so too often too blunt & brusque) & super closed off & awkward to be around due to multiple traumas).

And then there are a few extras just for grins. The most obvious is my career which means I move countries every 2-3 years. But then .... I''m wierd. Truly. You can''t pigeon hole me as a type e.g. when I was racing motorcycles, everyone around me was a gearhead (nothing wrong with that, so am I!) but if I tried to talk classical liberal economics, it was all blank stares. I am all over the place, a walking dichotomy and it throws people b/c it messes with their minds to suddenly realize that all their assumptions/prejudices about me are wrong. Layer that over how awkward I make people feel in general and well, I''m cursed!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3106 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I realize it's sort of pseudo-science, but.. just for fun...

Anyone take the MBTI?

I identify as INTJ currently.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 835 | Registered: Nov 2012
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

@PIC, you may not be surprised to hear that on MBTI I scored 100% introversion, and for the rest, right down the middle, i.e. I''m not clearly one or the other.

And just last week I took a right brain/left brain test. The result? I use both sides of my brain equally. Sigh


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3106 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I sometimes feel like I'm the little kid peering in the window. For the most part I'm a very social person.

Using Myers-Briggs Personality sorter I'm ENFP.

I am involved with the New Member class at my church. I have a yarn group that meets every Tues. Since we're a homeschool family we have a group of homeschoolers that get together every Wed at local parks and libraries.

If you are lonely, find a local homeless shelter and volunteer. Those people define loneliness, just sayin' ... they have no home, no family usually and few if any friends.

Volunteering is a good way to get out and help someone else. Places that you can volunteer: The local animal shelter. Homeless shelter. Home for Abused Women & Children. The NICU at the local hospital. Hospice. The Food Bank. If there is nothing like this near you, start a group to collect donations for the impoverished, local schools, hospitals etc. Call the organizations and find out what donations are accepted.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
JenniMay
Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

INTJ here...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 669 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

ISFJ here…
*edited to add* I am also a "both sides equal" brain too. I have an undergrad art degree yet now pursing a legal degree and am extremely organized. It all makes sense to me.

[This message edited by cmego at 4:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I am ISTJ.


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

(again, not taking this TOO seriously)

ENFP's are fun. I think my daughter would probably test as ENFP or ENTP if she were a bit older and took the test. Probably 100% E.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 835 | Registered: Nov 2012
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I'm "in between" too. My mom friends and I were all in transition anyway as preschoolers became big kids and we all started going back to work and school and the kids got busy and getting together got harder. Then Dday and I fell off the face of the earth for awhile with grief, and then started school myself (and a doctoral program, so its intense) and then got D. So now when I have time to socialize they are all with their families, and when they would be able to go out and grab a drink I have my kids.

My D'd friends and I all have jobs or school and worst of all -- competing custody schedules. So we can't get together easily with the kids OR without!

My school friends are great but mostly childless and in the city and living a very very different life than I am. They don't get it, and I get left out of a lot because they just pick up and go.

Its hard. I am single but with kids so not carefree. I am a mother but not always with my kids. I don't quite fit in anywhere. It means I spend way too much time connecting on people with Facebook, which is better than nothing but not really nourishing, and am a lot lonelier than I'd like, despite being constantly busy. Once I am done with school I hope I will have the energy and will (and money!) to join groups and such. It won't always be this way. I hope.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I'm INTJ--89% introverted

It's really not a matter of joining groups. I rarely feel comfortable in any group. I need a lot of time away from people.

I do have very good, very long-time friends and made one close friend in my former neighbor in Tucson, and that was a fluke. We are several decades apart in age, but from the same area of the country, but our interests and lifestyles are very different, yet we mesh.

So I never say never-who knows.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20221 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Being a widow in your 50's sucks.

Your friends are married. Even though you know they love you and don't feel like you are a third wheel you still are. And at my age there isn't even eligible guys around they want to fix you up with.

And my widow friends are 65+. They physically can't do the things I do like hike, ride my horse, kayak.

I have a great life and I am thankful for everything I've got. But there just isn't enough people around here that I can hang with and it's lonely.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

ISTJ
This was an interesting test.
I had a hard time choosing in some cases.

I am an introvert.
I don't fit in.
I am anti-social.
I am very socially inept.
Even voluteering would set me into a panic attack.

This situation that brought me here has set me back in so many ways.

On the other hand, I have had to become more self sufficient and at the moment I can't see myself ever becoming vulnerable enough to NEED someone again.
Even a friendship.
My family is becoming annoying too.
I don't want to have to justify my decisions.
I don't want to have to answer to anyone else but myself.

I'm not sure if that's entirely a good thing.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I feel sad that so many feel so disconnected. I have nothing more to add in the way of advice or suggestions. I agree that much can be attributed to our mobile society where connections become lost.

Strangely, I feel I fit in more now than ever. Xpos is very hostile, negative, angry, and dislikes being around people. We seldom did things with anyone outside of his family or our children. He would not go to festivals, fairs or the like because,well, people are there! We went out to eat alone or infrequently with one other person or couple.

Now I'm busy all the time doing things with people of all ages from my grandchildren, to friends my children's ages, to friends near 80 and having a great life. And I've been traveling a LOT. I've reconnected with friends from childhood and school and made new friends from all over, like friends from SI and from my travels.

Life is good now! I never realized how much xpos was dragging me down!! I hope you find what you need to fit better.

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 7:09 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2337 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I used to feel this way a lot. Then I kind of woke up and realized that the majority of people feel this way, and if I was unhappy with something in my life, it was up to me to change it. Since then I have gone out of my way to be the one including others, and you know what? That feeling of not belonging has completely faded.

I moved to a new country less than three months ago and already have good friends here, because I intentionally sought out people to connect with, made plans, made calls, reached out and intentionally made a community. I planned events, I invited myself to events others were hosting, I went out of my way to make potential friends feel special and to be a good friend - and people reciprocate.

Community is built, not intrinsic. So if you're unhappy, start building.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

You are right Ama. And I've done that.

But sometimes it would be nice to be on the receiving end of the invites instead of being the one to do the inviting.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I'm not intrinsically unhappy at all. I like being alone most of the time, but there are times when it's fun to share fun with someone else. I can meet this need by going to targeted events (hiking meetups/bird club outings/knitting groups/etc. My musing is that there has never been anyone with whom I could share everything.

I have a few friends that I can be with who, while we don't share the same interests, we just mesh. I've moved closer to them, but not close enough. We are like a family--somewhat far-flung, but when we get together, it's like we never left.

I know I'm weird; I own it, and I like it.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20221 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I read in a book {rebuilding after your relationship ends, i think)that the feeling of being outside looking in at your life was a sign of depression\mourning the marriage.

I remember feeling like that at the mall. Could all these people look at me and know i was a marital failure? It passed, thank goodness.


Posts: 268 | Registered: Feb 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

K9, ask to be included. "I've always wanted to try xyz, would you let me know next time you're going?"

I guess also in my experience if you treat people like they are special, they learn to value you and start inviting you naturally. Maybe that's not normal, but it has yet to fail me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13756 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 46