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User Topic: Should kids see you date?
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Maybe that should say…should kids see you picked up for a date?

I dunno. I tell my kids I date, but I've never…shown them I date.

So, onto date 4 with new guy. The future situation is really uncertain due to his work, but we are enjoying the time for now.

He wants to pick me up for dinner this week…and he doesn't live in my city, so he doesn't know where we are going.

I told him I need to think about it the "hows" and the "wheres" for a minute, so I'm talking this out on SI.

I have no interest in "introducing" him to my kids. I'm just imagining telling my kids "bye!" as I walk out and get in his car. It may work out that they are getting ready for bed before he can get here, so it may be moot. They will be asleep by the time we return, so no worries there.

This is the problem with dating and having primary custody.

I'm leaning toward acting like I'm 17 and have him meet me up the street.

[This message edited by cmego at 1:51 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 24th (Monday)

This is something I have been mulling over, too, lately, so I will be interested in what people have to say.
I think I would probably lean toward saying bye and going out the door. You would probably have to warn your date not to come up to the door to get you so you don't have the whole introduction thing.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2585 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm leaning toward acting like I'm 17 and have him meet me up the street.

No advice, just wanted you to know you made me chuckle


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I don't think they have to meet everyone you date. I haven't dated yet (still separated and not ready!) but my cousin has after divorce and said this:

"My child only meets those who have potential to be in my life and even then he's introduced in a social setting ie with others around as a friend. They get to know him as my friend and eventually boyfriend." She has let her daughter meet 1 guy and they're still together today (together about a 1 year) and she only recently explained to her daughter that she really liked Mr. X and would like to be more then friends (after she saw him interact with her daughter and her daughter's response to him) and that she plans on seeing only him.

I say be 17 and meet him up the street

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:20 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I never let someone I dated casually come to my house. With all the revolving door dating going on at XWH's house, I wanted my home to be a sanctuary for my kids.
I preferred to drive to the agreed upon meeting place. Once we were "serious", I let my SO (now hubby) pick me up at home, but only when the kids were at their dad's house.

It wasn't until now-H and I had been dating for nearly a year that he met my kids.

ETA:
I wanted to add that it was also a safety issue for me as well. I didn't want some Stage 5 Clinger showing up unannounced on my doorstep with my kids in the background.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 2:25 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6353 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Been dating exclusively since November. Kids know "of" him, but nothing "about" him, and we always met at an agreed-upon place (he lives 40 miles away and we take turns driving to the others' city). I am not prepared for kids to meet yet as I simply am not sure where this is going at this point. However, that being said, DS20 ended up being at the airport weekend before last sending off his fiancé on the same flight as me and my guy when we were flying back home from a weekend together (long story). So son met him, briefly. Still only knows first name and nothing else. Even with that I am not prepared to make any further introductions and will continue to meet elsewhere. Yeah, I feel like a teenager sneaking around my parents all over again...

As a side note, I also don't want kids to know anything about him because XPOS has a notorious jealous streak, and with his recent (unsuccessful) attempts at hoovering and moving back to my city I don't want to put my kids in the position of having to lie to their father to protect me. If they know nothing, they can honestly say they don't know anything about my new guy to their father (even inadvertently). That is another bridge I am hoping I don't have to cross with this...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:44 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Why not meet him at the restaurant?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Gomphus
Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I think it depends on your kids and their individual personalities/coping level with divorce/desire to understand.

My girls are 12, 10, and 8. They 'date' in school at those ages. Basically talk about who the like, who likes them, etc. No actual activities, just something they talk about. They have seen their mom shack up with OM pretty quickly and have been through the 'this is my friend, this is my bf, this guy is moving in' stuff. They brought up me dating long before I thought I would. They have met one person that I dated awhile prior to introductions, but they were also present when I was set up with her, so they basically knew I was going on a date b/c it was discussed publicly. (a friend of the date came up and said I needed to ask her out while we were all 5 chatting in public).

I don't think you can put rules on these things. My kids want me to date and enjoy life. They understand that people couple. The WILL NOT see me in a revolving situation door b/c it hasn't, and never will, happen.

Talking to kids about dating and having them know you're going out on a date while they stay with the sitter could be completely benign and unimportant to them. Or they could get sad b/c they don't want a new mommy/daddy or whatever.

Overall I would much rather let my kids in on my life in hopes that I will set a good example of the difficulties associated with love and dating and to show them how to do things 'properly', according to my life rules.

Funny story. When my first post-D relationship ended, whom they had met and interacted with extensively, my oldest says, 'it's ok dad, people break up all the time'. I was floored.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Yeah, I've been separated over 3 years and they've never seen me go out on a date since I always meet the guys at the place. My only SO lived close, and we did a lot of sneaking around after kids were asleep.

The "issue" is becoming my kids ask about my dating life. They have never met anyone I've dated, and only met fSO at a park once or twice with a big group of people. Never knew we were dating, he was introduced as a friend.

So…my kids are now trying to set me up on dates. They tried to "pick up" a waiter that was begin nice to me a few weeks ago. "Hey…MOM! He was talking to you! You should ask him out!! He was really nice!". They ask constantly when I'm going to date, and I always reply, "Mom goes on dates, I just haven't met anyone special enough to introduce to you."

Again, I am not introducing, and he has already been to my house. I can't find a single red, or even yellow, flag about this guy, so no concerns about safety.

I'm thinking about, "I'm going out with a new friend for dinner, see you guys later!" We've also been working on some things in life are "private" vs. being "a secret". and that my dating life is "private".

I'm probably worried about nothing. They will be distracted by the sitter/TV/Pokemon cards…he can text me he is here, I'll go hop in his car and leave. They probably won't even notice.

edited to add:
LittleTurtle, one…he asked if he could pick me up, and two…he isn't from my area. The restaurant is new and doesn't show on GPS.

[This message edited by cmego at 3:01 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm thinking about, "I'm going out with a new friend for dinner, see you guys later!"
Good instincts. I'd second them. All those in favor signify by saying "Ay"

[This message edited by better4me at 3:08 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3086 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Yes, I like the "I'm going out to dinner with a friend, bye!" and make your exit when he rings the doorbell.

I'm old fashioned and would prefer he come to the door. Sets the tone for what I expect in a relationship which is a lot of mutual respect.

Make sure the babysitter has them involved in something when he arrives so you can just open the door and go. I don't know how old your children are or if they would be curious and follow you to the door?


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm thinking about, "I'm going out with a new friend for dinner, see you guys later!"

I like this, too. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of sneaking around. Your children know you have friends so this tells them what they need to know in an honest manner but makes it clear that no other information is required.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3401 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I gotcha. I think your plan sounds good. Dinner with a new friend. Have him text when he arrives.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4143 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I am in the same boat...four years out and my kids still never see my dates.

I meet them at a mutual location or I will go to their house and go from there.

I guess it depends how curious your children are? IE....will they be peeking out the curtains to grab a glimpse? I think that is the only risk with him coming to the house and you running out and hopping in - they might feel there is a reason you don't want them to see him.

Sometimes I wonder if I am toooo stringent on this "don't meet my kid's rule". I don't mean that I desire some revolving door of men....but I wonder if I do myself/them an injustice by not letting them see it is ok to go out with a male friend for dinner. IE...that mom is really a woman too! LOL I guess it depends on the age of the children as well.

Bottomline - I say go with your gut. If you are not comfy with him coming to the house...just meet up.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2053 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I do think there is a difference between having people "hang out" with your kids early in a relationship and "seeing Mom date".

Do I want to set the standard for my kids that it is expected for a man to come to the door to pick me up? I don't know. I like the way this man is very respectful, almost…doting? Opens doors, lets me go first, asks me what I want to drink and goes to get it…respect. Asks to pick me up for a date.

Soon after d-day, I wouldn't have considered this. Frankly, my fSO and I didn't typically "date", we kept everything from everyone. He met the kids at a park playdate…but never saw us date.

So, I am rethinking my position about "introductions" and if a man, being respectful and picking me up for a date, is an "introduction". I don't want to "hide" him from then, I feel that is disingenuous to where I am in life.

I am single. I am dating. Men should respect me. I deserve to be "woo-ed". I set the example for BOTH of my children, what my dd can expect when she is dating, and how my son should respect women. (and vice-versa too!). I would expect my dd's boyfriend to come to the door and greet me, and I would expect my son to go to the door of his future girlfriend's door to pick her up.

So, I'm definitely tossing this around as a "teaching tool"?

I haven't decided how to handle yet, but I need to, since date will either be tomorrow night or Thursday, depending on my sitter.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:45 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

My kids are older and nosy and i had this worry as well.

I think having him ring the bell to get you and you walking out without serious introductions would work fine.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Feb 2011
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I always tell my kids that I am meeting a friend. Both of them have actually said they don't mind if I date, but I just feel weird about it. My daughter is at the dating age so I feel strange dating as well, so I keep it to myself.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Mom, There's A Man In The Kitchen And He's Wearing Your Robe: The Single Mother's Guide to Dating Well without Parenting Poorly

http://www.amazon.com/Theres-Kitchen-Wearing-Your-Robe/dp/B000C4SOA2

I read this book a little while ago and it was pretty much the only one that I've read that supports letting kids (well after divorce trauma calmed down) know that you are dating. And like you mention, letting them know you date, not having new person a part of their life.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

My kids were older, so my opinion may not count for much.

I think there are a few different issues. The one we see most often on SI involves bringing a new person into your kids' lives, too soon, too deep, and then when a breakup happens, it traumatizes them, and is a loss for them as well as for you.

Another is the whole issue of Mom dating. You've already covered that one; they know.

I don't think having him come to pick you up is the same thing as injecting him into your kids' lives. Even an introduction, if necessary, at the door, like "Tara & Tyler, this is Mr. Smith. We're going out to dinner. Good night, darlin's! Be good for the babysitter.", would be sufficient. He's a date, one of many (as far as they know). Light and casual.

I think there should be a protocol for more formal introductions. For instance, when I was trying to set up a meet&greet with My Lady's boys, I tried very hard to do it outside her home, in a restaurant or something. So I wasn't an interloper, a complete stranger coming into their home. This was AFTER we were exclusive & committed.

Didn't exactly work out that way, but I was trying to be sensitive.

How about this: Follow your gut. You know your kids best. And, Hey! Feeling 17 can't be all bad...


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
I.will.survive
Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I am single. I am dating. Men should respect me. I deserve to be "woo-ed". I set the example for BOTH of my children, what my dd can expect when she is dating, and how my son should respect women. (and vice-versa too!). I would expect my dd's boyfriend to come to the door and greet me, and I would expect my son to go to the door of his future girlfriend's door to pick her up.

I agree 100%!

This man sounds like a real keeper out of the gate with the way you described him so far. I hope he measures up and makes you feel special. Ringing your door bell is the right thing to do since he's asked to pick you up at your house. If he isn't pushing to meet the kids so soon, he's just being polite and respectful. That's good stuff!!


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

OMG! Your kids are trying to set you up with dates!

All kidding aside, if they are starting this behavior, I don't see anything wrong with having the guy pick you up for a date after you've gotten to know him, which seems to be the case for Mr. Date #4. As you say, it sets the precident for your kids regarding dating.

Believe me, your kids are going to figure out that you're sneaking around--they are smart like that


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20002 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

So, I am rethinking my position about "introductions" and if a man, being respectful and picking me up for a date, is an "introduction".

I think there's a very big difference between the "introduction" at the door, "So-and-so, these are my kids, kids, this is so-and-so" and the "introduction" of them hanging out together. I have a lot of people in my life that my kids know of and know their names, but they are not people my kids hang out with.

I say, if this guy is a great guy, let him come to the door and pick you up like a proper date. If the kids are hanging around, introduce them to your friend. If they're anything like my kids, they'll be distracted by something else within 25 seconds and won't even think twice. He's not going to "register" with them unless he's actually hanging out with them.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Well, darn it. Sitter cancelled for tomorrow night, but still going to see him for lunch.

I don't have to decide on this issue as the date will be over before kids get home.

I think this is a fascinating discussion, and I am leaning toward allowing him to meet me at the door…maybe for date 5?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Dadtryingtocope
Member
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

This is an interesting and polarizing topic. I don't think there is a right answer. It really depends on your kiddos.

My EW in a year went from married to me, to separated, to divorced, to married. So my kids gained a step father in a years time. They were introduced to him in a matter of weeks after she moved out.

Me, I'm dating and have had some people I've dated for a period of time. Two of them met my kids. One of which spent quality time with my kids once I was ready for that to happen (because kids will hang out with anyone - at least mine will). What does that do for me? It let's me see how they interact with my kids. My kids are still young (8 and 11) and I have a special needs kid. So I want to see how that dynamic works. It will be important long term. Some can say it could become the revolving door. Maybe it does. My kids understand that someone I date today I may not be dating tomorrow. They already know people break up, hell they saw that with their parents. I have already sat with them and explained why their parent broke up. Now I tell them that when people date and break up that is okay. They are not married. For me I want to be sure the person I end up with is good for me AND for them.


Now I totally understand the picking up at the door, being cautious thing. I'm a guy so I always pick up and pay for dates. That's just part of being old school (or just old).


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 497 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I would meet him up the street. My girls are only 6 and 3.5 but I have vivid memories of my mums dates coming to the door when I was 15 (5 years after we left my dad - NC because he was a dangerous POS) and TBH it felt weird.

There were a lot of different men. Some she only dated once, others a few times, a few for a few months. None ever slept over.

I HATED it. I don't want my girls to see me 'date' - ever. I have 50/50 so it's completely unnecessary in my situation. When I'm serious with someone I'll still probably wait a year or three before introducing them.

For me it's not so much the dating that is the biggest issue - it's the revolving door/breakup part I never want them to go through again. They'll have enough of it every 2-5 years with their dad.

I personally don't subscribe to the notion that kids learn how to date via their parents. Interpersonal relationships (romantic, platonic and familial), yes. Not dating. I know I didn't. It felt so weird to me that the sad clown was the first and only boyfriend my mum ever met. I left home at 17 - 11-odd years later she met him a few months before we married 18m after we met.

Having said that I think it would be more difficult if I had majority custody. Even then it would be a long while and serious before I brought my kids into it. I'd have to be fairly sure he was worth the risk.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

We are still kinda talking about it, but dodged the bullet last week since we had to switch to a "day date". For now, we are still working around my custody schedule, and I do have primary custody, but I think this will come up again soon.

Since I am not a revolving door, this is only the second man I've even considered dating with any seriousness in 3 years, I'm not too worried about my kids seeing him pick me up.

I hope it will open a dialogue about dating. It won't be long before my dd is dating, and I want her to talk to ME about it. She watches everything I do and all I've ever said is that I hadn't met anyone special enough to introduce to them, but I do tell them I date when they are gone.

They probably won't even notice. This is just my brain running scenarios.

Great discussion


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 26