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Reconciliation
User Topic: Can't get this out of my head
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I am just over three years past DDay. My WH has worked really hard since then. ALmost from the very first he did all the things that needed to be done. It has been a rough 3 years, but we have made good progress. There are still times when the affair gets into my head and messes with my mind, but all in all I think we have done well.

However, lately I have really been struggling again. I am not sure why. The biggest problem is that WH is a captain with the local fire department, and for extra money mans the fire truck for a 24 hour shift a couple of weekends a month. Sometimes his only partner on the truck is one of a couple of women who work for the department. This means for 24 hours at a time, he works solely with this person, eats together, etc. This has only started recently, and it has bothered me a little bit all along. Every time I just grit my teeth and get through it. It also includes them sharing sleeping quarters.

However, now there is one thing that is really bothering me. When the song "What does the Fox say" came out, my teenage daughter showed he and I the video. He did not really seem impressed or comment on it.

Then a couple of weeks ago he worked a shift with several other firefighters, including one of the females. He came home from the shift and his ringer was suddenly that song. He always uses the generic ringers on his phone, so this was a little out of character for him. When I asked, he just said he and one of the other firefighters (male) were listening to it and laughing at the station. So I moved on.

Then last weekend we went to the zoo and he posted a picture of a fox he took there and made a comment about he was trying to get it to talk to see what it says. The female who had worked with him commented on the pic, and it was obvious it was some sort of inside joke they had about the fox. I asked him and mentioned that he had said it was him and the other male firefighter joking about it, and he said, Oh she was there too.

Then last night she posted something on her FB about the weather and the fact that she had to work because she was a public servant, and not being happy about it. My WH posted"yes, but what dos the fox say?" To which she replied with his name, and CHI CHI CHI

This is driving me nuts! I don't know whether to bring it up to him again, or if I am being crazy. The affair has really been getting to me again lately, and it makes him sad that it feels like I don't trust him still. So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust. I don't know what to do and I cannot get this out of my head


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Why not ask him to stop working the shift. Seems odd they would share sleeping quarters.

Would be cheaper in the long run if he didn't work the shift. Meaning if something is happening again he is risking career and maybe marriage which are both costly.

Also have him remove her from social networking and stop any communication other than professional.

This all sounds very fishy and inappropriate and very obvious. I would call him on this cuz he told you something different about the fox stuff which seems like a lie. Hes on a slippery slope best case and already cheating worst case.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:11 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 484 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

He needs to shore up his boundaries.

Summer of 2012 I found emails on my H's laptop. He handed me the laptop to see a joke, I chose to just look at other emails. There seemed to be quite a few from *Lauren*. I looked and they were way too flirty for my liking - smiley faces, winkies, come to my office I have candy, etc.

When I called him out on it, he was exasperated to think I would think he would do such a thing again. Well since I didn't think he would do it in the first place... He said "FINE I won't email her anymore if that's what you want." It needed to be what he wanted.

He went quiet for a few days. Then came to me and said "You're right - I still have really shitty boundaries."

Even the best WW's need to be diligent in order to not fall into old habits. I hope he realizes the the error of his ways. When my sitch happened I posted in the ICR BS ?'s for WS thread - the WW's all said he didn't get it and would cheat again with that mindset. Thankfully he came to his senses.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6011 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Why does he have FB? If he does have FB, than he needs to be totally transparent and know that you are looking at his FB, no reason for him to get his undies in a bunch about it.

If this female is making you feel uncomfortable, she needs to be unfriended. To bad if your WH doesn't feel you trust him. It takes a long, long time to earn back the trust and I feel that for most BS's we will never trust our FWS's 100% again. It is just a sad fact.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The affair has really been getting to me again lately, and it makes him sad that it feels like I don't trust him still. So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust.

Steel yourself. Based on what you have written, he's lying to you. You need to approach this with the stance that you KNOW he is lying. Collect your evidence, and present him with the package with all the confidence of someone who will NOT let this be turned back on her.

Is he having an EA? Maybe not. More likely, he is "tired" of not getting to be friends with whomever he wants. This could really and truly be just some stupid inside joke about the fox between him and a coworker - I believe that it's a real possibility. The HUGE problem here is that he's choosing to lie and minimize so that he can keep up this rapport.

So be your own lawyer. Write up a report with screenshots and the dates and times that he lied to you.

Then tell him that if he thought what he was doing was truly innocent, he wouldn't lie to you about it. If he denies the lie, calmly tell him that the conversation is closed and all the trust he built over the years is rescinded until he wants to grow up and cop to his worktime playtime.

(((deb3129)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

So if I tell him I logged into his Facebook and saw all of this, I know it will just reinforce the lack of trust

The act of checking his FB is not a reinforcement of lack of trust. What you found there is. Have him meditate on that for a while.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6011 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

He did not have FB for a very long time after DD. We both deleted them, and his was gone for a couple of years. At which point I felt we had made enough progress we were good. He knows I have his password and that I have looked in the past. I think he is just starting to feel like it's been three years, maybe I should trust him without checking.

And the bottom line is, unfriending her on FB is not going to fix the issue if there is one. The station that they are currently working at does have separate bedrooms, but this is not their normal station, they are only there because of some remodeling that is being done. Once the remodeling is done, they will go back to the other station. Which has one bedroom. The bedroom has a wall that serves as a partial divider, but it is still one room.

I hate this


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

And the bottom line is, unfriending her on FB is not going to fix the issue if there is one.
True, but this is a co-worker. Why is he having contact with her outside of work? He has very loose boundaries and I would be concerned if I were you.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

You know what Deb, you said yourself that he has done the hard work. If you say to him, "this girl makes me uncomfortable", he should honor your concerns and cut off contact. I don't know what to tell you about this fire department thing. Even without infidelity, men and women spending that much time together, confined in a small place would concern me.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

deb, You've got to bring this up, because it bothers you.

This is an opportunity to work together to solve an issue, and it's an opportunity to check for false R.

I think your H needs more work on boundaries, and bringing your discomfort up may just be the signal he needs, just as it was for L2HM's H.

If you don't bring it up, you'll be keeping yourself in a dark place - and you deserve to treat yourself better than that.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustSoSad42
Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

You know what Deb, you said yourself that he has done the hard work. If you say to him, "this girl makes me uncomfortable", he should honor your concerns and cut off contact. I don't know what to tell you about this fire department thing. Even without infidelity, men and women spending that much time together, confined in a small place would concern me.

^^ One of the boundaries my husband and I have set as a result of the ONS is that he is no longer to be friendly or flirty with women. (My husband is quite the charmer.) He is to keep all necessary professional contact strictly professional. No personal conversations, no joking about things, just need-to-know work communication. Your husband should be bringing lots and lots of books, crossword puzzles, whatever, to work when he has to work with her, and not spending his time conversing and being friends. I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to 1) believe he can maintain a platonic friendship in a situation such as you've described and 2) be OK with it. That is the price you pay when you make the decision to break your vows IMO.


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

It's probably nothing, but just in case, play it naive, don't say anything and put some spyware and a var for at least a month.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 152 | Registered: Nov 2013
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Whoooo no way he is not being the remorseful husband. First of all why is he doing this shift. That's it tell him he overstepped his boundaries and you aren't comfortable with him sleeping away from home period. Second of all you have every right to know what he's posting on FB or in text. Transparency for the rest of the marriage.
I'm sorry but I would not allow my husband to sleep alone elsewhere where any women are staying work related or anything else. Huge deal breaker.

He's taking advantage of your patience. Be strong :)


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Remone
New Member
Member # 40260
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Wow that is hard to read, alarms going off in my head all over the place. Have you told him how this makes you feel? My guess is that he isn't thinking about that. Tell him, his reaction as a FWH should be "Oh my god, I am so sorry!" He doesn't need to work that shift. What is money compared to your marriage, and your safety? Sounds like he needs to do some work on himself.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

The sleeping alone in a room with another woman frequently (whether for "work" or not) is already over the line, IMO. There must be other arrangements.

Add the lying and the flirtatious "inside joke" about the fox? And the song only interesting him when the coworker was listening to it too? Um, no. Something seriously stinks here.

If you want him to stop working that shift? Reasonable. Stop communicating with this other chick? More than reasonable!

This means for 24 hours at a time, he works solely with this person, eats together, etc. This has only started recently, and it has bothered me a little bit all along. Every time I just grit my teeth and get through it. It also includes them sharing sleeping quarters.

Geez, just reading the shift is enough to set my teeth on edge too! Screw the extra money! Why the heck did he agree to this in the first place? Did he talk with you about it at all in advance (and get your agreement) or did he spring this on you?

Time for him to QUIT THAT SHIFT!


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
StruckNumb
Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I pretty much agree with all that's said here but I'm wondering what the inside joke is. Have you asked him what's so funny about this fox song all of a sudden and CHI CHI CHI?

I remember my dad's last affair (unfortunately he had many and that last one was when I was in college, my poor mom) and he came home suddenly liking Michael Jackson songs when he never even listened to popular music before. It was bizarre to say the least.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Chi chi is a Spanish term for breasts. Maybe that's why it merits interest? I'm so sorry. I'd be going crazy, too! Hugs.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 400 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

He has worked the weekend shifts at the fire department for a LONG time. Only recently have these two women entered the department and gotten the training that they need to start working the weekends shifts. This is a really small town, so they don't have the big stations with lots of rooms like bigger cities. So this is a new problem. Both of them are younger, blonde, and very attractive. Honestly one of them I have no issues with. I went and rode along a shift when they were working together, and she was very friendly and asked me to come back again. I have no concerns with her.

This other one has never been very friendly toward me, and literally has walked away several times when I have show up to visit. But last time he was on the shift, she approached my truck as soon as I drove up and started talking, being really friendly. This bothered me, because it was a total shift in her normal demeanor. I asked hubby if he had said something to her about being nicer, and he says no. She also works full time at EMS, which is literally across the station from the F.D. So even if she is not on the truck with him, she literally just has to walk through the truck bay to get to the fire department. The two agencies also share a day room and kitchen.

I think that the only answer to this is to talk to him. The way that the shifts work is they post them on a scheduling site called When To Work, and they sign up for the weekends that they want to work. The assistant chief then looks at everyone who has signed up and chooses two people to staff the truck. So he never knows who he is going to get paired up with. Maybe he could talk to the assistant chief and ask that the two of them not be assigned together. Ugh I hate doing this kind of stuff because people who dont know us just assume I am a crazy jealous wife. And I am the assistant director at the 911 center here, so I also work closely with all of these people. I hate that he has put us in this position.


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)


..trust your gut here.. your sirens are going off and it looks like 'where there's smoke, there's FIRE!!

..all the little signs are there for slippery slope behaviour..

..after 3 years, he maybe is going back to old habits..

..for your sake, I hope that it is nothing but co-incidence..

..stay vigilant.. eyes wide open!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Her behaviour is sending out *red flags* to me. The sudden turn around with being nice to you? That stinks to high heaven. How many OW's try to befriend the BW? *raising hand*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 7th (Friday)

When my SAWH would get inappropriately close to other women (on SI, it's called an EA; before his PA, I had no word for it other than disturbing), I'd call him out on it. He could (or would) never see what he was doing. He once asked why he couldn't have female friends. I said he could. I explained that his relationship with the risky woman was completely different from his relationship with friends of our marriage. As an example, I reminded him of how he asked his flirt about her siblings and how they were doing and contrasted that with how he didn't know/care about my sibs or Cindy/Mary/Julie's (friends of marriage) sibs. Heck, he didn't even know if they HAD brothers and sisters. That got through to him and showed him, at the time, the diff between the flirt and the friends.

I use that example because of your WH's reaction to the song when pointed out by your daughter compared to his reaction when brought up by the OW. It's a red flag to me for that reason. When it's an EA/PA, the rosy-colored glasses are on. That person is SO funny, SO smart, SO loving, SO kind, SO talented, SO skilled. Everything SHE does is better than anything YOU do. It's called infatuation. And for me, over the years, I've cultivated (unwittingly) that twitterpation radar. It's SO well-honed now. For me, I KNEW my SAWH was having an EA with the OW who became his PA. It worried me. I discussed it with him (as I had all the others). What I couldn't imagine is that it would become a PA. It took 22 years for his boundaries to loosen that much. For others, maybe it takes 5 years or 35. Yours is definitely in the danger zone, IMHO.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 400 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I agree with the others that you need to tell him how this makes you feel and ask that he request to not share a shift with her...... if he is at all concerned with your feelings and your healing he will understand and will do whatever he needs to do to make you feel safe.

(((deb)))


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I have talked to him about this now. When I initially talked to him, he was not angry but he really did not seem to understand why I was as upset as I was about it. However, a couple of days later we talked about it again, and he admitted that he had definitely pushed his boundaries. He assured me, and I now believe that there is nothing going on. He has promised to be more careful about boundaries in the future.

He has also gone to the fire chief who assigns the shifts and explained to him that he does not wish to be assigned any more shifts with either of the two females. So I am hoping this is the end of it.

After we have discussed it, I don't think that it was terribly ominous, I think he just made some really stupid choices and did not think about what he was doing. He said he did not see it as joking around with another woman, just as joking around with the guys. He did mess up, but I don't think it was as bad as it seemed at first. And I think it was a good reminder to him that he has to be on guard.


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Happy  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Awesome! So glad you are feeling better, he reacted like a remorseful WS who "gets it"


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 47)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 800 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 7th (Friday)

All the previous responses are so good it's hard to come up with anything original, AND I am glad that you two have discussed the matter. I recommend a great book that's been suggested on SI over and over again. It's called, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's all about that slippery slope of loose boundaries.

Hugs to you.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 7th (Friday)

So, is she unfriended from FB now?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 7th (Friday)

she is also unfriended from FB


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
deb3129
Member
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 7th (Friday)

she is also unfriended from FB


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 779 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
PippaPeach6
Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 7th (Friday)

All of the above and the first thing that struck me was the "slippery slope" - have you and H read Not Just Friends? BIG red flag . . .


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Topic Posts: 29