SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: The Emotionally Unavailable Man Revisited
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I saw a post a while back about the emotionally unavailable man. There were a lot of good posts there. There are also emotionally unavailable women,but obviously not as much as men.

Men are brought up to be emotionally and physically tough. To hide our feelings and not let people see you cry. Although there are men who are quite sensitive and have no problem showing tears,there are quite a lot of us who are not in touch with what is called "the feminine side" of us. A lot of us have no clue even how to get in touch with it and surmise that if we do, we will be seen as weak. That is why women may see looks of bewilderment and confusion when our spouse or girlfriend say we don't care about them or show that we love them.

I see a lot of WW's say they thought their partner didn't love them or care and when they have a DDay, they are shocked by the emotions displayed.

Men express love differently..while we must venture to hone our romantic skills..we show our love in providing, protecting and professing (this does not include the deadbeats who will not).

We provide with income...we protect by making sure you have a safe place to live and that you are out of harms way and we profess that you are our wife or fiance or girlfriend.
Men who do not write you poetry or bring you flowers ( which we should do) just may not be able to write poetry and no one taught them how women love just the fact you thought about them to bring them something NICE home. For women it may not be exactly what you bring, but that you thought to bring anything at all.

Our wiring is different..we don't romanticize as much, but I have learned that what you brought to the table to win that woman's heart is what you must keep bringing to the table after the heart has been won.

If your man is emotionally unavailable and you are feeling neglected, DO NOT HESITATE to tell him.
Do not hesitate to tell him you feel he is not connecting with you
That he isn't showing you how he feels for you inside his heart.

Tell him(if he is doing it) that you appreciate how he provides and works hard
How he makes sure you have what you need
Tell him also you want to see his tender side too
The way he treated you when you first met
Sometimes we forget because we get caught up in providing and keeping our jobs so we CAN take care of you.
But some of us need reminding so we don't get lost in the providing mode.
Also I challenge us as men to remember all the emotions we felt when we met our companions and all the things we did with them and for them in the dating stage. To remember the feelings we felt when the phone rang and it was her
Or when we got to her house and the butterflies we felt before we knocked on the door of her house

Women..if you know your man was emotionally unavailable before you married him or started dating him...it is highly improbable that he will change. He may..but usually men don't without intensive therapy to find out why they seem insensitive.
If your man was able to display bouts of romantic interludes before you tied the not or got engaged..he is capable of being emotionally available.
If he's stopped, life has got in the way and he just needs to reconnect.
A lot of us don't recognize we have slipped into being emotionally unavailable until we are told or something dramatic happens to bring those emotions out.
All that being said, just because someone is emotionally unavailable..it doesn't mean it's an excuse to cheat...it's something to be brought to attention before an affair happens that will hurt or totally destroy the marriage.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 20th (Monday)

All that being said, just because someone is emotionally unavailable..it doesn't mean it's an excuse to cheat

Absolutely agree!

It's always so great to see you here FRM, you add such a wonderful perspective to the entire SI community


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196510 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Thank you DS Thank you so much

Whoops could a mod remove the stop sign please


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I removed it


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196510 | Registered: May 2002
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Thanks DS


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Dear FRM, I really really needed to read this today; to be reminded that there was time where my H and I were inseparable and "in love". Thank-you.

If your man is emotionally unavailable and you are feeling neglected, DO NOT HESITATE to tell him.
Do not hesitate to tell him you feel he is not connecting with you
That he isn't showing you how he feels for you inside his heart.

I did this. I did it several times, but I guess he was so busy providing, that he thought the issue was mine, not his. That I wasn't appreciative enough. That things such as "showing love" shouldn't matter as much and building a secure financial future for our kids was way more important than him thinking of creative date-nights.

So, at times during the A, I actually thought I was doing him a favour by occupying myself and staying out of his hair and not being a nuisance. I felt like I was a burden on him and told my self that my emotional needs were being filled elsewhere therefore putting less pressure on HIM to fulfil them. I still feel like this to this day but now I use SI.

I wish he'd make space for me in his life but there are always way more pressing things on his mind.

Your post has reminded me that my H is not EU, rather just lost in how to connect with me and indeed himself. And as for the not being able to talk about my A, that is raw fear on his part; fear that he will do something that he may regret. It's sad to watch someone you love be so disconnected from themselves.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Thank you for your post Trying. I am sure your husband is aware of how important being connected to you emotionally is. I am sure that the affair brought this to light, although in an unfortunate avenue.
He may be burying his head in the sand now as the A. It is another way not to show emotions. But trust me, there will come a day that he let's it all out...be prepared..you may welcome it now, but it will add a new dimension of hell. Keep plenty of SI ice handy to keep things cool.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Floridaredman - I remember that emotionally unavailable man post awhile back too. There was some good posts there but others that I read that bothered me. I know this is a Wayward forum and I am a BS so I will try to outline my thoughts as carefully as possible.

When I hear the "I cheated because my husband was emotionally unavailable" I can't help but think this is a form of blame shifting for having the affair type of thinking. I know you state that it still is not an excuse but before you even go down that path I would make sure that it is true and not rewritten marriage history.

The other problem is that while this is good advise to someone BEFORE cheating has occurred, 99.9% of people on SI are here either because they are already a BS or a WS. The A is a game changer - if your BH was in fact emotionally unavailable beforehand, the fact that an A happened means that issue will have to be tabled until the A is addressed first. As a BS, I can tell you that we have to put our guard up right after finding out and for awhile after wards. Trust needs to be rebuilt so that the BS feels safe again, this takes time and reinforced actions by the WS. While that is occurring, I wouldn't expect your BH to suddenly be able to fix their emotionally unavailability for extended periods of time in some cases. For BS we sometimes tell to them they need to do the 180 - if your BH is one that the 180 is good advice, they are going to only appear even more emotionally unavailable to you as they work on healing.

A final issue to consider is expectations. It is probably a lot easier for that fantasy unicorn of an AP to seam more emotionally available than the person that has to deal with real world problems. If your expectation is that your BH suddenly becomes as emotionally available as the AP becareful that your expectations are not unrealistic.

If after considering all the above issues, you still feel your BH is an emotionally unavailable man - give it plenty of time for him to process through the healing from the A. Once things are going reasonably well, then is the time to begin to address it.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 449 | Registered: Nov 2012
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 20th (Monday)

When I hear the "I cheated because my husband was emotionally unavailable" I can't help but think this is a form of blame shifting for having the affair type of thinking. I know you state that it still is not an excuse but before you even go down that path I would make sure that it is true and not rewritten marriage history.

ReunitePangea,

I totally agree with you. Your insight extends some very good information .

The other problem is that while this is good advise to someone BEFORE cheating has occurred, 99.9% of people on SI are here either because they are already a BS or a WS

That is true for those who are already here, but also remember there are thousands who lurk before they cheat or those that lurk who have considered cheating an may not be a member and the post helps them. I've seen it done before.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 9