Wayward Side
User Topic: My BS wants to know about my AP
New Member
Member # 41995
Stop  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Last night my BS started asking me questions about my AP. She asked me what her name was. What she looked like. How old she was. I'm not sure but if my W had a A, I don't think I'd want to know his name or what he looked like. To me it seems like torture to want to know these details. Has anyone else run into this situation? If so how did you handle it?

If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

My Bs knew who my Ap was.

That being said, answer her questions honestly.
She is not you, so don't project what you would want onto her.

FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

My BS discovered AP's name before confronting me, but if I have understood her feelings correctly it's really just about knowing. The unknown, filled in by a tortured imagination, is always worse than the known. Once you know, you can process and begin to work through it.

It's tough because I, at least, just wanted to forget details. I didn't want AP in my head at all, let alone at the level of recounting (and thus having to remember) blow-by-blow details of physical acts. Nonetheless, providing whatever information BS needs to heal is critical.

Me: WH
Her: BW
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Agree with the others. You answer whatever she needs to know honestly and kindly. It's not for you to decide what she gets to know.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

A lot of BS healing is known to come from the details. Often a LOT of details. My BS started with the name, but by the time we were done with the questioning she knew her shoe size, bra size, cell number, parents hometown, on and on it goes...

The questions and answer session may go on and on and it may flare up as she rides her emotions. Our job (if we want any chance at R) is to answer them honestly and in detail.

Good luck!

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Just a warning...only go into as much detail that she asks for. I remember my BH asking something and I went into detail and he said, "I didn't need to know that much!" and it really hurt him.

It's hard to measure, but do it cautiously (and kindly, like I said before). You don't have to say enthusiastically, "The sex was friggin' awesome!" (if it was), but gently tell her what she asks.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
New Member
Member # 42138
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My BS wants to know everything, but I only admit to what he found out. I know it delays healing but I can't bring myself to do it. I've stopped all contact and am working toward a happy marriage. I am pretty sure karma is about to bite me in the butt though and I also want to know all the details so I understand why he asks

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Tell him everything. It's a terrible thing to have to do, but he needs to know. I did the same thing; there were things that were so humiliating that I was trying to protect H, and protect myself, but it did terrible damage. I think my H feels that the TT was almost as bad as the A itself. It mad it even harder for him to ever trust me again. Take a deep breath, and tell him.

Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Answer the questions she asks. Don't try to tell her she doesn't need to know. This hesitation could cost you. I would go to her asap and ask her if she has any more questions and answer what she asks.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 10