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User Topic: What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I'm most likely going to confess my affair shortly to my BH and I'd like input on what I need to do to prepare him and me. Any books I should have on hand, find a therapist for him and book an appt so he can get in right away, articles for him or me.

Anything I should know about how to tell him to lessen the blow? Is there such a thing? I didn't want to come out and tell him all the details if he didnt want to hear them so I was going to let him drive that part but not sure if it's best for me to disclose a lot of it or wait til he asks? I want to be completely honest so he doesn't think I am keeping anything from him but also don't want to overwhelm him right off the back.

My affair was not one that will be easy to forgive. It was very intense and filled with lots of lies to my husband. I dont want to TT over the next several months though.

Any input from WS or BS would be helpful as I navigate this horrible road ahead.

Thanks.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I have been following your story in wayward. I couldn't post there because I've been banned there from being too direct to WS's.

You need to be prepared. There is nothing you can do that will prepare your BH for this. No kissing, hugging, sex, nothing will prepare him for the bomb you are about to drop.

I think telling him is the right thing for you, for him, and for him. But to be honest, I didn't think you had enough integrity to tell him. I've been reading your excuses for quite some time. I'm glad I'm wrong.

What you are about to do is very courageous, very moral, very strong. You are about to saddle up when you know you're going into a world of hurt. I'm proud of you.

good luck


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Confused,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your BH.

He will likely have a hard time taking care of himself at first. He will forget to eat or drink and be unable to sleep and may even be sick. If he will let you try to offer him things to eat or drink or just bring it and set it down for him.

Don't be defensive. He may scream, cry, yell, and call you names. It is all an expression of unbelievable pain.

Put your pain and discomfort on the back burner and put him first for the foreseeable future. Come to wayward forum for support. This is going to get rough.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 17th (Friday)

BH here. I want to thank you for sticking with SI and taking this step. I was cheated on multiple times. I got one confession more than a year after she broke up with me. I never got an apology.

I don''''t know your BH but I can tell the things that I would want to know and would ask.

Do you love OM?
Do you love me?
Do you want to be with me?
Why did you do it? (Expect this question a LOT. I advise patience. If you aren''''t sure then say so but be clear that you want to give a real answer and that requires help like IC)
Did you ever consider leaving me for OM?
...
Why do you hate me?
What did I do wrong?
How did it start?
When did it start?
Was it physical? (expect possibly more angry/graphic versions of this question)
Was he better (sexually) than me?
Did you tell him you loved him?
Why tell me now?


That''''s just for starters. I don''''t know what your BH is like. I''''m not one to yell myself. However, I am one to disconnect and walk away if I feel like I''''m being played. If your BH gets frustrated and yells try to be patient.
Avoid saying things like "You''''re not helping by doing x,y,z..."
Avoid saying "I don''''t know" and "I can''''t remember"
If you can have a timeline ready that might be a good idea. Don''''t suggest to him that he doesn''''t or won''''t want to know things. Ask him as you go along if he wants to know now or later. This will reassure him that you are not trying to protect yourself but are being open and willing to answer questions as he is ready to ask them.

As a BH/BBF it was pure hell but what made it worse was knowing I was second choice. It is an emasculating experience. Be careful about what positive things you say to him. Compliments will feel hollow and insincere. I know I wouldn''''t be very accepting of any compliments or positive remarks because you will be revealing actions that say the exact is true of how you feel. Be honest but be very careful that you don''''t emphasize (or appear to emphasize) that you think he''''s nice, stable, safe, kind, sweet or a good father. Those comments would translate to me as "You''''re boring and I don''''t want you but you take care of the family and I don''''t want to give that up" It essentially feels like the husband has just been friend-zoned.

Don''''t be surprised if in the heat of the moment he brings up D. Do NOT just go along with that idea. If you truly want to R then you need to be unwavering in that. If you are unsure...well it will be tough for him to hear but you need to be honest.

There may be moments when you''''re going to feel overwhelmed. The guilt. The shame. Seeing...really seeing for the first time the pain in your BH''''s eyes. Fight that. If you need breaks to be able to handle it then take them but make him aware of that ("I''''m not trying to shut down on you. When I feel overwhelmed with what I''''ve done I need just a moment."

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:02 AM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Confused43

I commend you to your instincts of disclosing your infidelity to your partner.

I had just today posted in Wayward regarding the very difference this can make to the WS and BS' journey in healing.

I do ask you to examine your desire to 'prepare' you BS for the disclosure. Gently there is nothing you can do to 'control' the outcome.

Disclosing and living free of deception is so important to the both of you.

Here is what I wrote in wayward:

"I can attest to anyone who is hanging in indecision. Disclosing your infidelity is tough - but when you offer your partner the truth - it helps healing beyond description. We are a living example of the places the choice to disclose or not disclose can lead you.
We understand his gaslighting and trickle feed of the truth on discovery did even worse damage than the act of infidelity itself, damage to us both individually and to our marriage. "

Telling my husband about my infidelity was very hard. You need to give your partner the facts. Allow him to be the judge of how much or how little information he needs when. Offer to Write a timeline and leave nothing out and give this to him as soon as possible to him confirming he wants that.

Give him room and continue to reassure him that you want to reconcile if that is what you are committed. But ...

Don't make ANY promises you can't keep.
How you respond to him will depend very much on how he reacts. But you can't control that.

There is nothing in the world that prepares you to find out that your partner has been unfaithful. But the gift of the truth is the very best you can give in this situation.

blessings to your BH and you in the days ahead.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 641 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Confused,

Betrayed wife here:

Be totally honest - and be 100% ready to end the affair completely.
Otherwise- simply save your Betrayed Husband a lot of grief; and file for a divorce and walk away.

That's my advice.

There's no way to "prepare" your husband for this.

Good luck.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 17th (Friday)

What do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day?

There is nothing you can do to prepare him.

For you, wear your thick skin and do not react negatively to anything he says. Take his pain and carry it.

He will be devastated, do not back out and begin to lie to "protect him". Continue with the truth until he is done. And then do it again, and again and again.

Be prepared to have him tell you to leave, respect it if he does. BUT do not go somewhere he will wonder about. Go to a FOM's house.

I dont want to TT over the next several months though.

TT happens when a WS doesn't want to give answers or truths. Let him know you will tell him anything he wants to know, when HE is ready.

Have a timeline ready, a complete timeline. If he asks for it you can have it for him, but don't push it on him if he isn't ready.Let him ask for what he needs, tell him you are open to his needs.

You may need to confess all on day 1, but this isn't about you, your pain during this time, IMO, is secondary. You have been processing and healing on SI for at least a month, you had time during the A to process your feelings. He is going to be hit with a knife to the heart and get his truth all at once.

Good luck, I hope he comes here, you are doing the right thing.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Thank you for the suggestions so far. I'm worried about the honest answers my husband will get. I did love the OM. and it was mutual. My husband is not one that normally yells and he is not violent at all so that's good but it will be the silence that will be the hardest if he does that. Normally he is one that is good talking about stuff. Me, I'm a blabber and often say more than I should so I really need to watch it and see what he wants to hear. and I don't want him to do the 180 on me.

The hard part is that it was a very intense affair. I became another person pretty much. Both me and AP are pretty respected people, both are smart, make good choices etc so while this is obviously pretty messed up, I can't paint the AP as a bad guy. He's not. He's just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn't have been in. He didn't give me STD's or tell me a string a lies. Maybe it would be easier for my husband to handle if the guy was a loser but he wasn't and real emotions were involved. If he asks me if we were in love I would have to be honest and say yes because we were. or thought we were. Everything is becoming a big blur of an emotional mess. It's all in my emails though so no use in lying and then have him doubt me when he reads them.

I really do want my husband. I know he will feel like the back up plan though and that will hurt him also.

I know I did this to our marriage and I wish I alone could undo it. He is worth fighting for as are the kids and I will keep fighting for him because even though I've been wishy washy I know he is the one for me and if we make it to the otherside I think our relationship will in fact be way better. It was always a good marriage but it lacked some excitement. I was so wrong to do what I did but it's part of me now.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Good luck, I hope he comes here, you are doing the right thing.
Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here? I just want to be able to have someplace to get my feelings and questions out without having him seeing them. Maybe I don't take someone advice and he'll know, maybe I want to say that he's been pissing me off because of A, B or C and I want to vent freely without him knowing.

He is my comfort in any tough spot in my life. It's goign to be so hard to lose that person as my comfort. Yes selfish I get it but I"m being honest. I need someone for comfort too but will have no one. No one knows of my affair. I kept that private as I didn't want to burden a girlfriend with that info and put her in an awkward situation. My friends all like my husband, probably more than me even so telling them seemed selfish even though I really needed someone to talk to while the affair was going on.

and if he tells my family, the shit will hit the fan even harder. I hope that doesn't happen. They adore him. They'd trade me in for him I think in a second.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Both me and AP are pretty respected people, both are smart, make good choices etc so while this is obviously pretty messed up, I can''t paint the AP as a bad guy. He''s not. He''s just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn''t have been in.
What I feel you mean is that the AP did not manipulate you or lie to you. Do not say he is not a "bad guy". I know it will be hard to remember but try to avoid term like "caught up" and "situation". It may not be intended that way but to a BS it tends to come across as not taking ownership of choices.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here?
BS have asked that same question. It gets complicated and the couples on SI who seem to function the best as members set ground rules between them. I would recommend pinging some of them.

I kept that private as I didn''''t want to burden a girlfriend with that info and put her in an awkward situation.
My best friend was a WH. He didn''''t tell me either but that was because he knew I would call him on his bs. That''''s part of the danger in isolating yourself like that. You make a bad choice and when you cut yourself off from your own support system (often so you don''''t have to hear that you''''re wrong) it is easier to really go down the rabbit hole.

and if he tells my family, the shit will hit the fan even harder. I hope that doesn''''t happen. They adore him. They''''d trade me in for him I think in a second.
This definitely sounds like you have some FOO issues going on. My first LTR was about 5 years. We talked marriage. She could have said something similar about her family. I wasn''''t dating her family. I was with her. Your husband married you. Their support of him or disagreement with you about the A is all well and good but at the end of the day its your marriage. Don''''t be surprised if he chooses to hold off on telling your family in the event you decide to R. That would be to protect you and because he is embarrassed.

They don''''t call it a rollercoaster for nothing. We here on SI can assure you of that. What we cannot do is prepare for the first time you see his reaction.

ETA: Good luck. To both of you.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:06 AM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, January 17th (Friday)

What I feel you mean is that the AP did not manipulate you or lie to you. Do not say he is not a "bad guy". I know it will be hard to remember but try to avoid term like "caught up" and "situation". It may not be intended that way but to a BS it tends to come across as not taking ownership of choices.
Good point. I guess part of my problem is I type/say what comes off my brain and don't always think it through but yes I need to think through my word choices better. Thanks for the reminder.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 17th (Friday)

My WH only disclosed his A to me 8.5 years after it ended. It was absolutely BRUTAL for me. I feel like the last 8.5 years of my marriage were a complete lie and I was made a total fool of. So please, consider confessing sooner rather than later. I felt that by keeping the truth from me my husband was being utterly disrespectful of me as a human being and that he was removing choices from me that I had a right to.

As to D-Day, my advice would be for you to read "How to Help your spouse Heal" unless you have already done so - that really nails how a WS should react.

BIG mistakes that my WH made:
*He didn't come out and confess everything, he made me ask about a million questions (it was like trying to draw water from a stone! He was a "hostile witness". In fact he hasn't admitted a SINGLE thing that I haven't first had to ask about..) I found it SOOO humiliating to have to ask those questions, to have to badger him for answers, it would have been much kinder to me if he had told me the basics, let me digest that for a little while, comforted me and then said "I don't know how much detail you want? Would you like me to tell you more, or would you prefer to ask me for the specific details you want?"

*Defensiveness. My WH was sooo defensive. Not about the A as such, but everytime we discussed it he would get all prickly and a bit aggro.

*Sugar-coating. My husband tried to minimise everything that he did, make is sound less bad than it actually was.

*Trickle-truth. BIG mistake. My husband started off saying the A was just about sex... then it came out he told her he loved her... then it came out he DID love her. He told me no-one else knew about the A... then he told me they hung out with her brother... then it came out that her sister actually lived with her and was there every single night he slept over.. then I found out he met her mother... then everyone at work knew.... He told me he used a condom... then admitted that he only used one the FIRST time they had sex...Each revelation was yet another knife in the wound.

*Coping with the anger. My WH mirrored my anger. When I yelled at him he would yell back. HORRIBLE!! You have to understand that the BS will get flaming angry (my REAL rage kicked in at about 4 months out, when WH felt I should be "getting over it by now"!) IMHO you have to try with everything in you to quietly accept the anger (not full-on abuse, obviously) as if you mirror the anger, in my experience, it only adds fuel to the fire!

*Remorse. I desperately needed to see genuine remorse. I needed to feel that my WH deeply understood how wrong and destructive his actions had been. I also needed him to respect MY process and allow me to feel and behave the way I needed to at any given time.

Hope this helps. Obviously this is my personal outlook YMMV.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I wouldn't say too many great things about your AP. that would be horrible for your BH. And he might just say, "fine! go with him if he's so great!"

don't try to control your BH. If he feels like telling your family, you trying to convince him otherwise in the wake of your enormous betrayal will be just another betrayal on your part.

"I was bad, but let's keep your misery a secret and not tell anyone so I don't actually have to feel bad."

[This message edited by mike7 at 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, January 17th (Friday)

No problem. You toughed out a lot of posts when you came to SI and you''re still here. That says a lot. You''re taking the next step to confess. Clearly you''re not trying to avoid taking responsibility. You came to SI for support and guidance. BS and WS alike have tried to provide support as best we can. We all want to see you and your BH heal. Like I said before I never got that (a confession with remorse), so I am happy to help because I believe ultimately its better and healthier for both of you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, January 17th (Friday)

@ItsaClimb,
Confused is confessing in the very near future, hence this thread asking for advice.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I wanted to add, and I think this is really important, you are confessing because you respect your BH. And you are confessing because you respect yourself and want to be authenticate.

those two points IMO will make you a better partner no matter what happens.

And I think you can tell him, "I'm confessing even though I know I didn't have to because I respect you too much. You needed to know the truth."

In the end, most BS's move on because of the lack of "respect" that their spouses showed them.

You can rightfully claim that you respect him too much to continue to lie.

good luck. really.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, January 17th (Friday)

@mike7,
Sorry but I have to disagree with you on this man...
"I''m confessing even though I know I didn''t have to because I respect you too much. You needed to know the truth."
...because a BS hearing the confession will not be receptive to that imho. When you say to someone "I''m doing x,y,z even though I didn''t have to..." it translates to "I''m doing you a favor"

I can also tell you BS have recounted how their WS talked about respect. Respect is hot button issue on dday. If the subject of respect is mentioned at all by the WS it should be in the context of "I knew I needed to stop disrespecting you, our M and myself with this behavior."


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I can't paint the AP as a bad guy. He's not. He's just like me and got caught up in a situation we shouldn't have been in.

Sorry, but during this A you both acted badly. You may not be "bad people" but the Ap treated your family with complete disrespect as well as his own and so did you.

I would not defend him to your BH.

He is my comfort in any tough spot in my life. It's goign to be so hard to lose that person as my comfort. Yes selfish I get it but I"m being honest. I need someone for comfort too but will have no one.

Right now I would really consider putting your discomfort aside. You are about to destroy his world but you are wondering who will comfort YOU?

I know this is hard, but he has to come first through this confession. You need to be strong for him and realize although you are doing what's right, it will be difficult and painful.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:07 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, January 17th (Friday)

You aren't ready to give him a d-day. Coming over here and asking us? Seriously if you have an iota of worry over your OP, you aren't ready.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Also, you are just being honest? *crickets*

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, January 17th (Friday)

maybe so Brandon, but what is the reason then?

I'm confessing because I love you? I wouldn't buy that. I'm confessing because I can't handle the guilt? poor baby. sounds selfish.

Maybe I worded it wrongly, but the reason has to ultimately be that she doesn't want to betray him any longer. So why? She wants to tell him who she is. Why? I think it's out of respect. Both for him and for herself.

but maybe she shouldn't say that immediately.


and I agree that if she's still worrying about her AP or defending what a fine guy he is, that's not going to go over very well at all. personally, if I heard that, I would chuck her out immediately. seriously.

Not going to lie, you're going to have a rough ride Confused43.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:38 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I commend you. You are doing the right thing. You are giving your spouse the freedom to choose and your marriage the opportunity to grow.

Here are a few things that helped me, or could have helped me:

I do not recommend this for an abusive relationship.


I needed a MC asap when I first discovered my wife's affair. I could not trust anyone, not even myself. It killed me that we needed to wait 7 days before we could talk to anyone. Reserving a few slots with a MC and/or IC might be helpful for your spouse. Maybe your IC will speak highly of you to help your spouse to understand that you are on the right path, that you are not that person anymore.

TT kills, but overload kills too. Give him a time line first. When he asks for nitty gritty details, remind him that he can always ask for them later because you will always tell him the truth. I often asked for the nitty gritty details only to test my wife's willingness and strength, but then suffered from the details. Show your willingness and strength immediately, and don't waver. Maybe he won't ask for everything if you do.

Don't lie about anything, not even about general things in life, not even a white lie, not even to a salesman, not even to be "nice" to someone. Be truthful in every aspect of your life.

Don't clam up, don't become defense, and don't fight back during discussions, and take full responsibility for your affair, and demonstrate to him that you are on his side. Be willing to talk when he wants to talk. Ask him if he wants to talk. Do this so he believes you are always willing to tell the truth.

Don't suggest that you know how he feels. Ask him.

Don't tell him what to do, or tell him he's wrong. Instead, recommend and show what you have read or were told about that he might also consider. He needs to make his own choices and reach his own conclusions. He may not trust your opinion and do the opposite. Tread lightly.

Don't use "you" (your BS) in your reasons/answers. He was not the reason for your affair.

Don't use "but" and "however" in your reasons/answers. He may become sensitive to semantics.

Don't use "mistake" in your reasons/answers. Calling it a mistake gives little reassurance that you will not do it again. Rather, say that your affair was based on messed up logic, which you understand now.

Remind him you are not "that" person anymore. Ask him to join your journey to a place further away from that person. You will do it regardless. My wife often told me this (late but never the less) and it helped me.

Remind yourself silently that you can always work on the problems of the marriage and problems of your spouse later, if needed, but not now, not while he's still in shock. He won't understand yet.

Agree with having a few books on hand, if he chooses to read them.

Contact him frequently by texting, calling, emailing, etc. so that he knows you are always thinking about him, because he will be always thinking of you. Let him know you are his top priority and you are there to support him.

Expect drastic mood swings and triggers. So compassion through them. Tell him you are sorry for what you have done to him, full sentence.

You are doing the right thing.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 749 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Like some of the others I followed your story and didn't think you had the selflessness to allow him to chose his own path.

As far as "what do I need to do to prepare my BH for D-Day" nothing. You have manipulated him for long enough, just be honest. Tell him accept your blame, and answer his questions. Get it all out at once, TT will wash any progress and reset to step one.

What you need to worry about is "are you prepared to be alone?" There is a really good chance he will simply walk away.

As I told you on another thread and some have said here, don't try to make it sound like it happened and was out of your control. You made the choice every step of the way to betray your husband, your family, your vows. You have killed his trust in you. He will never see you as he did, as the woman he fall in love with, the woman he married. You have killed a part of him. This will forever change him.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I have been following your posts, and Im so glad you posted in the general forum.

I see a lot of hope with you. You seem to really love your husband, despite the very UNloving act of having an affair.

I think you absolutely must confess BEFORE this weekend trip. Once your BH finds out you were in this same small town as the OM, it will taint the trip in a way that will hurt him tremendously.

You are still foggy..but that shouldn't stop you from confessing. What you DO need to do,is REALLY examine your feelings for the OM. You loved him? Love does not hide. It does not sneak. It does not lie. How many "real life" situations did you share with OM? Has he cleaned your puke up off the bathroom floor because you had the flu and couldn't make it to the toilet? Has he been there for you through a family member's death or serious illness? Has he seen you when you are moody,PMSing, and laying around in sweats? Has he seen you without your hair and makeup done? Did you meet his family? His friends? Did he tell them the truth about who you were..his married affair partner?

Affairs are not real life. It's two people showing off for each other. You usually only see one side to the AP..whatever side they want to show you. Most AP's are playing a game of pretend with each other.

That isn't love. He disrespected you..and you disrespected him. If he loved you, he never would have wanted you to lower yourself to having an affair. I know you have said he never lied to you. He was lying to the woman he committed himself to. He was lying to you..he was just able to get away with it with you because you had no way of knowing if he was telling you the truth or not. And you WANTED to believe him.

Tell him. Be honest. Do not defend or blame. Also, I know you were wondering if you should delete texts,emails, etc from OM..you were wondering if your BH would want to see them. Don't delete anything. Tell him about them, if he says he doesn't want to see them, hang on to them, he might change his mind. Keep them in the email account, give him the password,and leave it in his hands. Do not defend the OM. He is NOT a good, respectable man. He cheated on his wife with a married woman. Which, I suppose the same could be said about you...BUT...you are going to do the right thing and confess..and that makes a Hell of a difference.

Good luck. Stay strong!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7494 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
OnTilt
Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, January 17th (Friday)

confused43,

Read "Things that every WS needs to know" on the wayward side. I just bumped it for you.


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:16 AM, January 17th (Friday)

We are moving this to the WS Forum. BS's please post accordingly.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 17th (Friday)

-it didn't just happen
- you both made conscious choices to lie, sneak and cheat
-the OM will not be a good man in your BH's eyes. The OM stole the sanctity of his M. Regardless of your participation.

I'd advise for you to examine these phrases you use. They are totally minimizing.
Situation
Happened
Caught up

And so on. This wasn't some whirlwind romance, however it felt at the time. The first time your BH asked something about your day and you couldn't look him in the eye and share the truth, the twisting in your gut knew it was wrong.

Just telling the truth in that moment was a choice you could have made to protect your M, your BH and yourself. You didn't look at the OM and suddenly furry woodland creatures were singing around you two while birdies dressed you in a ball gown. This wasn't instantaneous and unavoidable. You let your mind, actions and heart go there. Owning anything less than that is hurtful to your BH.

Otherwise, there really is no "preparing" your BH to have his world ripped apart. He's about to have a complete paradigm shift and have to adjust the knowledge that the life he thought he was living with the life he was actually living due to your lies. For that, I suggest you write a basic timeline, then a more detailed timeline. So he can decide how much he wants to know.

The future he thought he had is over. He's going to mourn and ping pong through the stages of grief. And you'll have to watch, knowing that you made the choices that brought him that grief and anger. You and the "good OM".


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 17th (Friday)

You have come a long way. I am not sure you can prepare you H for what he is about to face, but you can prepare yourself.

I would have a time line ready and be prepared to answer any and all questions that he has. Have phone records, credit card statements available for him to see if he wants to verify.

You have been advised to choose your words carefully. And I would concur with that completely.

'Being honest'. - At this point you have not made it too far out of the confines of the wayward mindset that allowed you to conduct an affair.

You can say many 'bad' things about your AP and yourself. But you choose not to. You are choosing the focus, not having it chosen for you. So why do you have this perspective? Why do you still need to protect the A bubble and your AP?

That is something that you should devote some time to before having a conversation with your H. How much honesty is in your 'truth' and how much is projection and justification that you need(ed) to have the affair and look back on it in a way that you can tolerate.

I suggest that you change the narrative and focus on the lies and the acts of betrayal outside of the context of the intense feelings the A generated. Look hard at yourself and your AP from this new viewpoint and allow yourself to see it in all of its ugliness.

Approach the confession with humility and empathy. When you feel yourself veering off into explanations, justification or blameshifting pull yourself back on track with the cold, hard facts.

Wishing you well.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 17th (Friday)

You aren't ready to give him a d-day. Coming over here and asking us? Seriously if you have an iota of worry over your OP, you aren't ready.

There is no ready. There will never be a ready, just confess Confused. Write a timeline and confess. Be ready for anger, even hatred, horror, pain all of it. Have a tough skin, I was called a lot of horrible things, all of them were pretty true in relation to my actions. Answer all questions honestly, don't hold back a detail because this or that might be too much. Tell him you will tell him anything he asks and follow through. Write down everything you remember in a place he always has access to. And do not wait any longer, I mean it there is no ready, no perfect time...just tell him the truth.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Firstly, thank you Mods for moving this to the WS forum.

I'm most likely going to confess my affair shortly to my BH and I'd like input on what I need to do to prepare him and me. Any books I should have on hand, find a therapist for him and book an appt so he can get in right away, articles for him or me.

Confused, I have been following your story a bit and posted a few notes last week so I am familiar.

While your H will have to make the choice to see an IC, you should book yourself an appointment today. You have spent a great deal of time in deceit and its time to figure out why. IC was a dealbreaker for me. My words to H:, "Get into IC and figure yourself out or pack your bags and leave." Period.

As I mentioned in one of my prev notes, there is nothing you can do to actually prepare your H for the pain he is going to be reeling from.

But to echo others, do not minimize with words like "we found ourselves in this situation", etc. as someone else pointed out.

Do not speak highly about the AP. As others said, he was NOT a great guy to disrespect His AND your marital status. And I believe from what I read, he has left his wife for good w/o her knowing of the A. How distraught and utterly confused she must be! That is not a good guy.

DO read ALL of the Freq Asking Questions from SI's, Healing Library. Order and read the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, too. I know my H was serious when he bought and read, After the Affair within 2 weeks of D-Day.

There is a difference between illicit sex and elicit sex - thus the intensity with the former. It's not real life. You will get this one day.

My H and I are both on SI. Yours would benefit greatly from SI and I would think he is your first concern. Correct?

Again, if you have no one to talk too, that is what IC is for. Maybe it's time to tell a trusted friend.

Imagine an empty bucket. That's your H. Your job is to fill the bucket. It will take time. It will leak. Hell, he will dump it out. But keep trying. Keep filling it.

Walk the Talk.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:30 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I'm proud of you for taking this very courageous step. Didn't think you could do it!

Aside from everything that everyone has said, please, please do not say good things about your AP, whether they are true or not - BS do not want to hear what a good guy he was. If he was a good guy - he wouldn't do this to his wife and screw another man's wife. Simple as that.

You don't have to bad mouth him - but do not, I repeat, do not say one positive thing about him to your BH. He will remember those words - a lot!

Good luck.


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Write a detailed timeline. Put it in an envelope and give it to him after you confess, tell him it is detailed and to read it if/when he is ready and that you will answer all questions for him.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
kmom2662
Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 17th (Friday)

One practical thing-- if there is any way you can send the kids to a grandparent or something for a day or two, and tell him when you don't have to work or be up early for a day or two, try to. After d-day, we were up all night, talking, yelling, and crying. Better if the kids aren't around to hear it, and if you don't have to function right after.

The TT I did was a horrible idea. At the time, it felt like it would save us both pain, bur it didn't. Coming clean all at once would have been much, much better. And don't delete anything, as someone said before. My H didn't see a lot of emails because I got rid of them, and the uncertainty of what we said seems to be bothering him more than if he knew the details.

Good luck to both of you.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
MindMonkey
Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, January 17th (Friday)

FWW and I are doing pretty decent in R. A few things that she said on DDay hampered the R and still manifest themslves as resentment today.

1. The crap will hit the fan. You will get the "why?" question a LOT. Once time when my W had her fill she said, "I wish I had taken this to my grave". What I heard was that there was more she hadn't told me yet. It showed that she would still be capable of keeping horrible secrets.

2. I told her to get the F out. I told her to call OM and pack her bags. After I grabbed my bottle of booze and fell asleep drunk, she called OM and told him I kicked her out. Do not call OM no matter what your BH tells you.

3. My W sent a NC email without showing me first. It still angers me that she didn't include some very important things.

4. Your husband may have a desire for you to hate OM as well. Anything positive you say about OM will make him less likely to believe it when you do (and you may after realizing the level of pain he helped cause your family).

5. This one hurt the worst. She was so calm and stoic on DDay. It was obvious that she was still on the fence and was not emotionally vested in the M. I was trying to get her to understand my pain and I asked, "how would you feel if I told you I was also having an affair?" She told me it would have pissed her off that she already broke up with OM. Ouch.

Please think about the kids as well. On my DDay they saw a side of their father they didn't know existed (mother too). Scared them pretty good.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 17th (Friday)

He didn't come out and confess everything, he made me ask about a million questions

Write a detailed timeline. Put it in an envelope and give it to him after you confess, tell him it is detailed and to read it if/when he is ready and that you will answer all questions for him.

I know a lot of BS feel they need details, but I feel the need to share here that my BS did not want to know ANY details AT ALL. He found his proof and he did not ask any other questions at all. And as the WS, I didn't spout off details since I was ashamed and it was painful to recount. We are still very early in the process and I think my experience may not be like many others here, but I would warn against too much sharing. Especially since you said you are a sharer and he is quieter.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 17th (Friday)

but I feel the need to share here that my BS did not want to know ANY details AT ALL. He found his proof and he did not ask any other questions at all. And as the WS, I didn''t spout off details since I was ashamed and it was painful to recount. We are still very early in the process and I think my experience may not be like many others here, but I would warn against too much sharing.
Yes, and some BS are like that. The thing to take away is be prepared to share what he ready to hear. Let him decide on that. Don''t push him to hear more if he isn''t ready but be willing and ready with more information when he does ask.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 17th (Friday)

As gently as possible, I think you're maybe worrying about the wrong stuff, i.e., how to prepare him, etc.

The most important part is to just tell him; all the other stuff might make it worse, short-term.

I mean, if you confess, and then bust out books, audiotapes, this site, or whatever, his first thought is going to be, "WTF?!? How long have you been thinking about this? How many other people know? So does you seeking guidance mean that you had considered NOT telling me? Like EVER? What do you mean there's an entire website of people that knew before me???"

He may be ready for all that stuff at some point, but it's going to be his decision, and his healing journey. My opinion is that there is very little (or maybe nothing) that the WS can do to make it better or easier, but there is a ton that can be done to make it worse. After confession, your main focus needs to be on making yourself a safe partner....he is largely going to do his healing on his own terms.

It seems to me like you're trying to soften the blow or cushion the landing for him, and it's just not possible. You cannot control the outcome, you just have to do what you know to be the right thing.

Good luck. Have courage.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 8:40 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 17th (Friday)

You cannot control the outcome

That's real good advice Confused. Please keep that in mind - there's an old saying on SI that gets shared every now and then, and has some anecdotal truth to it: you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. That means letting go of the outcome. Strength and good luck.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3960 | Registered: Dec 2011
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Have you read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"?

I recommend it. Highly.

Also Why would you keep this site from him?
My Bs and I are both on here, it has helped us both immeasurably.
You guys don't have to know each others user names.
There is no way I would not want my BS on here.

Good luck. I hope you follow through!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
TennisTC
Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I've been following your story and I really commend you for being ready to take the next step. In terms of books, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" - it's very short and addresses the topic of confessing. I will PM you a link to a URL where the book is posted online (I don't think I can include the link here). You can probably read it in less than an hour, but I would print it off and keep re-reading it. Also, my WH and I found the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass extremely helpful. We read it shortly after DDay and we are reading it again now that we are a little further along in our journey.

You can do this!


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 167 | Registered: Nov 2013
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Thank you from all BSs that where their WS did not confess. I know it takes courage. Keep that courage and don't give into the urge to turn tail and run before it's done. I knew something was going on and constantly got denials. I had 3 ddays because WH can't commit to NC and keeps going back. He continues to lie and hide it. Follow through on confessing. As others said be prepared for disbelief, hurt, anger and more. If you have kids at home please send them away for the weekend. They don't need to be a part of this. Really listen to him. Answer his questions truthfully. No more cover ups and deceit. I think writing a timeline is good but don't give it to him right away unless he asks. It may be too much for him to handle at once, but make sure you tell him about it. Put it somewhere safe where he can look at it whenever he wants. Put any "evidence" he may ask for there too...like phone logs and such. This way he doesn't have to hunt that info down or ask you for it if he doesn't want to. Have all emails and passwords written down and given to him. No avoidance or TT...this is killing me. Be willing to answer why and how a million times. Understand his feelings. Show remorse and empathy. It will help in the long run. I wish mine would show more. NC with OP...NONE! Cut him off. Write NC letter if still necessary and have your BS read it. Don't ever break NC. An affair is an addiction you MUST keep away from him. Also, his BS must be told. She deserves to know. This will also help with the NC. Focus on taking care of your BS. He'll need you even when he may not want you there...unless he tells you to leave. Then leave and give him space. He's going to need to grieve the death of the marriage he knew. It's gone and only ashes remain.
I truly wish you the best in your journey. I wish my WH had the courage to do what you are going to do it would've saved me from some of the pain I'm in now. Please let us know how you're doing. Good luck.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:48 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Good luck, Confused, on your journey to an authentic you.

One of the first and most important things I said to my wife on DDay was I wanted to come home. To her. To us. And to myself. That meant everything to her.

On the worst day of our marriage we agreed to plant the seed of reconciliation. On the worst day of our marriage we became a team again.

I hope your marriage finds a way home.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 17th (Friday)

confused, I don't think there is anything I can add that hasn't been said in terms of advice.

I wanted to chime in with my kudos to you. You clearly have the strength to stick with this.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I just wanted to say that no matter how you handle it, you're doing the right thing.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Haven't had a chance to read your whole thread yet, as I am work, so I hope I am not repeating what others have already said.

But......just sit down tonight & TELL HIM. Get a babysitter, preferably overnight, so your kids are not home & sit him down & get it all out there. There is no easy way & nothing about it is going to be easy. My concern is that you are going to do too much thinking & talk yourself out of it.

You can read my story in my profile, but I have not been able to tell my husband of my "A" 6 years ago, because "he doesn't want to know". Have tried several times but he is adamant...."I don't want to know".

And let me tell ya.....the guilt, shame, self-hatred, loathing, and every other emotion does not go away. I have to live with my secret every day of my life & I hate myself for it. I wish I could tell him, but my IC had a good point that after his responses, it is now selfish of me to still want him to know. (BUT....she would not say not to tell him if his response was different. She would be, & was, all for honesty & being open, until I told her about his response.)
According to her, I need to just continue doing the work on my own to fix myself & make sure it never happens again. And it will NEVER happen again!!! I do know that but......

The problem with just working on myself is that how do I know when my "work" is done?? How do I know he won't find out in the future & all hell will break loose then?? How could I ever get mad at him if he did the same to me?? How do I look him in the face & not break down into tears for what I have done to us without him even knowing it was done??? How would my kids feel if they knew?? Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc. The mind questions never end.

So much time has passed & due to our circumstances at that time, I am pretty sure he knows something happened, but cuts me off EVERY time the convo has come around to that time in our lives.

And it is HELL living with it & keeping it a secret. I feel the lies continue even though I do not lie to him now & didn't then. The secret itself is the lie that won't go away & I hate myself for it.

TELL HIM NOW!!! Just get it over with. It isn't fair to him & the longer you wait, the harder it will be & then you will be living the "lie" I live every day & it sucks big time!!!

I never had the attachment to my AP you have, so it was easy for me to break it off on my own & never look back. I haven't spoke to him since the day I woke up & thought WFT are you doing. It seems you are apparently still attached though, so you have some issues involved I did not that you will have to work on as well.

Also, did it ever occur to you that your AP's marriage wasn't good either because he was having an A & the guilt may have been eating him alive inside?? Hello.....how can a marriage be good in any way when there is a 3rd person involved?? He probably lied to you just like you did to him about your spouses. His BW probably thinks their marriage is fine & life is good, so perhaps that had something to do with his emotional detachment from you.....or from her because of his attachment to you???

I wish you well & hope it goes OK for your BH. Be there for him in whatever way he needs, or doesn't. Just take whatever he throws your way (figuratively speaking...not actually objects)& continue being there for him. This will be a rough ride for you both but possibly show him the way to SI as well so he can also get help from the GREAT people here.

We are here for you, but please do the right thing & tell him. Trust me....it is better than having the punishment of it eating you from the inside out the rest of your life.



Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, January 17th (Friday)

((Confused))

So proud of you. You can do this.

You''''ve gotten good advice from some BH''''s like Mike7 and Brandon. Read it twice.

My BH and I were talking about the aftermath of DDay recently. He said dealing with "the fog" was much worse than the idea that I''''d actually had sex with OM. My A was brief, but intense, and I was dangerously addicted to AP. BH dealing with starry-eyed me, and the months it took me to go through withdrawal...was beyond cruel.

I support you confessing. 100%. IMO you will minimize the damage to your BH if you can pull your head further out of your ass first. People may disagree with me, and that''''s fine...it''''s SI. Take what you need and leave the rest.

I just hope you truly and deeply realize (whenever you tell BH) that your decision to have an affair had zero, zip, nada to do with your husband or your marriage. Zero! It was about your bad coping mechanisms, your weakness, your flaws. That''''s hard...perhaps impossible...for you to grasp now. But you''''re starting to come around, and I''''m super hopeful for you.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 4:25 PM, January 17th, 2014 (Friday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 17th (Friday)

As I told you on another thread and some have said here, don't try to make it sound like it happened and was out of your control. You made the choice every step of the way to betray your husband, your family, your vows. You have killed his trust in you. He will never see you as he did, as the woman he fall in love with, the woman he married. You have killed a part of him. This will forever change him.

Pulled a quote from another post on this thread. I'm a BS, and I don't see this as a universal truth. It clearly can be true for some people, but it isn't for me. I still see my WW as the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Yes I have some scars. But our relationship is better than it has ever been.

While what I went through in the wake of her infidelity was miserable, I can't think of any part of me that died.

To the extent that I am changed, I firmly believe it is for the better. I'm a better husband, father, son, brother and friend after having done a lot of work on my own healing.

You are going to hurt. He is going to hurt. If he is willing and you both work at it, it is possible to heal and become stronger.

best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Just catching up on the posts from today. A lot of good useful information. He is out of town so I wont be telling him for at least a week. I figure it is good for me to prepare. In my "messed up" thinking I have an advantage here that those that were caught didnt have. I get time to figure out what to/not to say. Doesn't mean I'll screw up but at least I can try to compose myself and prepare rather than having my BH call me on the phone to get the fuck home and explain who so and so is.

I dont think my husband will view it as a "why did you wait so long to tell me" I honestly think he will have too many other thoughts going on. Plus the affair has not been over for very long so it's not like I've really waited that long.

Yes I'm still in the fog. True. I know that. I'm doing the best I can right now. My biggest worry is answering questions honestly without hurting him more. I like some of the suggestions about the LOVE question. There is going to be so much for him to absorb it's hard to say what his questions will be.

So I'm wondering what needs to be in my timeline? How detailed do you get? The start of the affair, I get that but what inbetween? Dinners out, bike rides, or is that too specific? ALso if I try to get a timeline with details that means taking a ride down memory lane which would not be good for me right now. Remember I'm in foggy land still. That doesn't mean I am not wanting to work on things with my husband, it means that the affair is still too fresh for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, January 17th (Friday)

To the extent that I am changed, I firmly believe it is for the better. I'm a better husband, father, son, brother and friend after having done a lot of work on my own healing.

I agree. I am stronger and healthier thanks to a lot of the skills I learned in recovering from this. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was good to have gone through, but I am finally happy with the new me and I love my FWH as much as I did before. I even respect him in new ways because it is not an easy path to be a remorseful WS.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 17th (Friday)

OMG6886, that would be really hard to finally tell your BH and then he doesn't want to know. I think that what you are dealing with is your punishment in a sense. That was the main reason I didnt want to tell my bh. I felt it would be my punishment to live with this the rest of my life and know what I did but how can I then transfer that to him, that seems so mean. Like guess what, I screwed up, now I feel better telling you so it's your problem. So it seemed nicer to not tell but after listening to so many here on SI and doing my own reading and research one of my biggest reasons for telling is that we have a better chance of having a much better committed marriage. That is after the hell we will have to go through afterall but my hope is I can look back and say it was worth going through hell because of the closeness we now have.

I don't know that I'd want to know if roles were reversed but if he said he cheated then I'd get obsessive and want to know everything.

I think for you it's extra hard because you told him but he said DONT. So you are truly stuck in limbo. I'm pretty sure my husband will not say that but not sure what he'll say. I do plan on telling him in the next week or so. It will be when the kids are gone for a couple of nights to give us time to absorb it all without them being around. Honestly I think that is the smartest thing to do. I am still a mom and have to look out for my kids. Because I get to pick DDay I will chose one that works best my situation.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Is it selfish for me to not want him to come here? I just want to be able to have someplace to get my feelings and questions out without having him seeing them. Maybe I don't take someone advice and he'll know, maybe I want to say that he's been pissing me off because of A, B or C and I want to vent freely without him knowing.

I Think it would be good, at least initially to be in different places.

Google "infidellity forum" and you will find others to direct your H to. The fifth is realy good and would be my recomendation.

However be adived that if he wants to he will find your posts here fairly easy.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 17th (Friday)

So I'm wondering what needs to be in my timeline?

I know of several that did 2 timelines. Each placed in á marked envelope (overview and detailed). One just have the basic facts like:

* When it started
* When you met
* When it was physical
* When it ended.

The other contains all details you can come upp with:

* All above
* What you said to each other
* What pohysical acts you did and when.
Basically all the details.

You give your H both. Tell him that the "overview" contains a timelein of the A but without any details and that the "detailed" contains all details you could remeber while Writing it. Make sure that he understands that you probarbly did not remeber Everything. Also ask him to Think long and hard whether he realy wants to read the details because once he does he can not unlearn them.

However, it will be his choise to read or not or to keep it for how long he wants Before he decides what to do with it.

This aproach leaves it up to him to decide if he wants the details or not. Some do, for some it will be impossible to R if they have all the details.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I know of several that did 2 timelines. Each placed in á marked envelope (overview and detailed).

What a scathingly brilliant idea. Good one TOMTEFAR.

Confused43, I'm glad you have decided to confess.

We always knew you had it in you.

Here's the thing, you're stalling, we know it, you know it.

You cannot prepare your BS for this. Nothing will soften the blow.

He's going to feel the full force of betrayal, no matter what you do.

Any preparation you do, will have very little effect on the absolute chaos you & your BS's world is about to become.

You cannot minimise his pain or your consequences.

The only thing the correct actions after confession can do is reduce the amount of time your BS takes to heal.

The chaos is going to last for next couple of years, minimum.

Accept you cannot control it or him.

The best you can do is ride the tsunami.

Work on yourself, better yourself, support your BS, give him what he needs to help him heal if he gives you the opportunity.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:01 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Really proud of you, confused43.

The only thing I can think of that maybe wasn't mentioned is some physical comfort stuff. I really could have used some specifics like ibuprofen and water in the immediate aftermath.

Good luck.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Here's the thing, you're stalling, we know it, you know it.
He is out of town for work until next week. Makes for a good stall then huh? : ) but really I am not doing it over the phone.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 17th (Friday)

One thing my WH said, and says when I get triggery, is that it wasn't real- nothing about it was real. She didn't matter and I've always wanted to be with you.

Definitely make sure the kids are away for a few days and don't do it on/near any special dates ie. birthdays, holidays etc.

I really like the timeline idea too.

Whatever you do, do not defend your AP or compliment him in any way. On that first horrible day my WH said a few things that I just can't forget (we liked each other. We had a lot in common etc). I wish I could unhear those things. I never want to hear him say anything remotely good about her.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I will work on my timeline. That 2nd one scares me. I may have to make a modified one. I don't know that he'll want to see those details. Rather than having him see what maybe he wishes he didnt I will wait to see what he wants to know. I believe everyone is different in what they want to see/hear. I don't want to force the information on him as it might be more damaging especially in the first part. There will be enough shock and disappointment. I need him to let me know the level of detail he will want. If he decides to read my email that will be another layer. My hope is that he can get all the answers he needs from me without torturing himself by reading the words. I plan to be totally honest. I wish I had a sensor machine so when I start to say things that I shouldn't that it would change those words for me, or at the very least send a shock to my body to make me realize.

Thanks again everyone. I'm glad you see that I am here because I do care about him and us.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Confused- good luck. You are taking the first step, ending it and confessing. Many of us didn't take that or experience it. It goes so far in healing.
Continue choosing the next right step, one at a time. Live authentically, whether he decides to stay with you or not. That is all you have in this life really- your integrity.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 17th (Friday)

but really I am not doing it over the phone.
I agree 100%.

You made mention of your hope that your M could be better than before. There are couples who have successfully R''d who have said the same thing so I understand where you''re coming from when you said that. But....(you knew that was coming).....do not say that when you confess. In fact I would not ask him to commit to R at all. Instead make it clear that is what you want (if you do indeed want to R) and that you understand he may need some time process all of this.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I'm confessing because I love you? I wouldn't buy that. I'm confessing because I can't handle the guilt? poor baby. sounds selfish

How about "I am confessing because you have the right to know"?


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 17th (Friday)

He is out of town for work until next week. Makes for a good stall then huh? : ) but really I am not doing it over the phone.

Fair enough. My bad.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Confused,

Good on you for finding the bravery to take this step. This is going to be breathtakingly hard.

As others have said, you can't really prepare your husband for DDay, but you can prepare yourself. You have had plenty of good advice so far and I'm going to try to avoid repeating anyone. I would like to share some of my own experience and maybe it will help.

During your confession to your husband, you are going to be tempted to lie. He'll be hurt or furious, or goodness knows what else. You will be avoidant, self-protective, convince yourself that some things can just be left alone. Who knows what the trigger will be, but you will be tempted to lie while coming clean.

Don't. It's much easier said than done.

Write things down ahead of time. It will help keep you accountable. If you start feeling like you might want to part ways with the truth, ask for a time out in the conversation and tell him that you are trying to stay honest.

You have lied to him and yourself for a long time. It will be tough to break those habits, particularly under the stress that you are about to experience. Hang in there. Breathe.

Your husband will probably say some awful things to you in the middle of his hurt. He won't know how much of it he means at the time, but it will all be indicative of the damage that he is experiencing. Hear it for what it is and stay emotionally present.

Feel your emotions through this and own them. Don't shy away from your own hurt, anger and sadness. The more you acknowledge them and the reasons for them, the sooner you will be able to work on the broken pieces in you.

You can't fix this for your husband. You can work on fixing you and maybe become a spouse that that he'll want to invest in again.

I wish you strength in this, you're going to need it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 17th (Friday)

1. Are you NC with the OP?

2. How did your A end?

I ask because I think this will affect your chances of R, for better or worse.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

Good luck to you, Confused. This is a very brave and important step you are taking, for both your WH and you.

If you aren't NC with your AP, can you do that first? Possibly via an email your WH can see?

TTing, blame shifting, making excuses for the A, blaming pre-A marriage, and defensiveness are all killers.

Accept all blame for the A.

Be prepared for your BH to leave or kick you out. He might need time to process.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

As a BH, my advice is for you to never ever make it sound like you are defending your AP. Your BH is going to feel like he is your second choice and under no circumstances should you defend your AP. If you do, it will compound his thoughts and emotions tenfold. If he was, in fact, a good and respected man then he would have never had a relationship outside of his M with a married woman.

Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2013
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Confused,

I know your concerned about details (although, I think its more about shame, what he thinks of you, and fear it will hurt the chance of you getting what you want then his pain. Concern for his pain would have pervented the A in the first place) but as a former BS I can promise you its better and easier to move foward armed with ALL the story. Its also a risk of him being disgusted. I'm almost certain your truth is not nearly as bad as where his mind will take him if you leave gaps and holes in your story.

Be honest with yourself, if flipped do what you would like done.

[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 2:04 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

As a BH, my advice is for you to never ever make it sound like you are defending your AP. Your BH is going to feel like he is your second choice and under no circumstances should you defend your AP. If you do, it will compound his thoughts and emotions tenfold. If he was, in fact, a good and respected man then he would have never had a relationship outside of his M with a married woman.
This, over and over.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Just wondering - does AP's wife know, and if not, is there a plan there?

Thanks in advance


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Confused -

DO NOT TT, i know you say you don't intend to but in the face of his reaction you might feel pulled to do it. Tell him anything he needs to know, regardless of what YOU think he needs to know.

Bear witness to his emotions, whatever they are, with no anger, no defensiveness. Don't try to discuss the marriage problems, that's for later, after your BH stops hemorrhaging. Just be there, hold him, listen; give him whatever he asks for, to help him, even if that is to leave for a while.

Be proactive, try to think of anything that might upset him after he finds out, and deal with it, then let him know. My WH changed his work schedule, gave me a list of all Email/ FB acct passwords, changed his cell #, etc.

For me, I had such a hard time when he left to go to work( he stayed home as much as possible otherwise.) Oddly, it was comforting to have him there, and him apologizing over and over, saying he would never ever do it again etc - helped so much. When he had to leave eventually, to go to the store etc - he would take time stamped pictures with his phone to prove he was where he said he was.

Are you booked with an IC to help figure out your own issues? If not, do it; show him you are working on yourself and taking responsibility. Don't book him an IC, he will make that decision himself.

Don't expect any appreciation for your efforts for some time. Remain steadfast anyway. I know it took a good 3 months before I was able to even begin to believe my WH meant what he said, and to start to appreciate his efforts and feel the beginnings of compassion for his pain. It took almost 4 months til I could commit to trying to R.

It is very courageous to own what you did, and respect your BH enough to give him the truth about his own life and marriage. Confessing is so much better than being caught, it speaks to your motive of doing the right thing, hopefully he will see that. It won't help initially, but later on it will occur to him.

Don't defend your AP or say anything remotely nice about him. Be prepared for intense hatred for your AP from your BH. You must demonstrate your absolute loyalty to your husband and repudiate AP in every way possible.

Strength to you and your BH.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
seenow
Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

I am not sure if someone already said this but be prepared for silence too.

When my WH told me I walked outside and sat for over an hour. Unable to move. Eyes glazed. Shell shocked.

Looking back I know he was hiding in the house and being a coward basically. I wish he would have sat in another chair silently with me.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

BS here.

For me, the worst thing that happened during/after DDay was TT and outright lies. In one instance, WH lied to protect his AP from what he (correctly) thought would be my wrath, and that was especially unforgivable.

The TT and lying during the process of confession, as well as the secrecy during the affair, nearly destroyed our marriage, much more so than the affair itself did. I really wish he had just come clean in the beginning. The dishonesty really fucked up the whole process and magnified my trauma ten-fold, because then I didn't just have to try to get my head around a cheating husband, I had to get my head around a lying, secretive, hiding-stuff, deceptive husband too.

So my #1 piece of advice would be: DON'T LIE! And don't conceal things. Your BH may not want to know every sordid detail, but if he asks, please be honest and forthcoming with information. Don't make him feel like he has to drag it out of you, or make him wonder whether he is getting real, truthful information from you. That will seriously damage his desire and ability to reconcile with you down the road. Be respectful enough of his autonomy as a human being to let him make his own decisions about you, your marriage, and his life based on accurate and complete information.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I haven't had much time this weekend to write but again thank you for those that have been here helping me. I found this online today and thought it had some really good points. I'm guessing there must be others following my post that are in my same situation so I thought this might be helpful. http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/confessing-an-affair-without-losing-your-marriage-11635737.html?ps=0 the one part about destroying the evidence I'm not sure I agree with though. Someone on here told me not to get rid of it because he may infact want to see it incase he thinks I am lying. I totally agree with that. As much as I do not want my husband to read all the details and such I feel like if in anyway he is doubting what I'm telling him, then he will have teh ability to find the truth or let me show him the truth. Why should he believe me afterall since I"ve done so much lying to him. without those emails I could make up any stories I wanted to him about me and AP so I was surprised to see this advice given but the rest of it I thought was pretty good.

Has anyone heard of this guy and his marriage workshops?


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
PrideFallen
Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I wouldn't "destroy the evidence", for the reasons you state plus one more. If you want to start living honestly and having an open, transparent relationship, you'll have to tell BH that you destroyed the evidence. That will almost certainly infuriate him. It takes away his ability to make a choice. If the evidence is there, he doesn't HAVE to look at it, but he can. You're giving him a choice and taking a first small step towards re-empowering him.

As I see it, you can only destroy the evidence if you want to lie about the destruction, as well. Totally counter to the path that you have (laudably) decided on.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Just wanted affirm you''re right about not destroying the evidence. That is an action you cannot undo and will complicate any hope of R.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

As a BW, I just want to second that, if your BH starts to get angry or if you begin to tire from the onslaught of his emotions, try as hard as you can be remain present, not defend the AP... and do your best not to respond in anger.

My X did okay on the first night of DDay and was very much himself and repentant. After that, he started to get worn out from my grief, eventually getting defensive and, ultimately, verbally and emotionally abusive. He had never done that before in all of our years together, so it was doubly disorienting to process this "new" him that I was learning about, on top of his lashing out.

((Good luck))


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Please do not destroy the evidence. Please do not allow HIM to destroy the evidence.

Keep it. Even if he thinks he wants it gone, make sure it can be retrieved if/when he decides he's ready to know.

That day may never come. And if that's the case, you can revisit what to do with it, with him, when you're in a good place, marriage-wise.

But if the time does come, and the evidence has been destroyed, it can be a real barrier to R.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Hello again,

Haven't been able to get back on since Friday but wanted to answer your response to me.

I feel for you, I truly do. No matter what happens, your confession is for the best & kudos to you for doing what is right. And the best of luck to you when confession time comes.

First, I do want to say that no matter what, at this time, I will NEVER now tell my BH of my A. I had posted in another thread that I would take it to my grave & caught alot of flack for it, but after explaining the sitch, it made the why understood a bit more.

And not because I didn't want to, but because of the fact that it has now been almost 6 years since my A went down & ended. My BH & I have had enormous fights when the confession convos came up so I am now over the trying to confess stage. It took a bit for me to realize my IC was right. After I found SI, I did what you are & prepared for the whole sit-down with my BH. After the biggest fight about it one evening with my BH, my IC finally made me see that my feeling of need to confess was at this point being very selfish. (I had mentioned that I thought I should just blurt it out some day out of the blue.) And she said what you did....this is now my punishment & I have to work through it on my own.

But it is a secret that can never be resolved. Unlike when you sit down & confess all to you BH. Then (I hope) you can both begin repairing the damage & your marriage & hopefully have a stronger & happier M than ever. For me, since my BH will not let me confess, it will never be worked through together. I feel we have a great marriage at this time, but it will always be that dark cloud hanging over my head for the rest of my life. And even though we are happier than we have ever been, I will always have the feeling that it has a kind of a fakeness about it because of my dark secret. It just sucks all around & as crazy as it sounds, I would prefer it to be known. Then I believe that eventually it could be put behind me & we could move on. Now that is never a possibility.

So again, it feels so wrong to say that I am happy you have the courage to bring this down on your head & work through it. It is the right thing to do & I, oh, so hope it goes as well as it can for you.

One thing I would like to suggest.....before your confession, spend a LOT of time reading the JFO side. Do more preparation for what a BS goes through & how you can help him, more than you prepare for what or how you are going to tell your side. Being more prepared for his reactions & how you can help with that is more important than how it all comes out, IMHO. The JFO side will give you a lot of info about what he will go through & you being prepared for it all will hopefully help you maneuver the whole mess better?!?!?!

We are here for you & sending hugs & prayers your way.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Sincerity is paramount. Don't say something you don't mean, such as "I take total responsibility for my actions" or "I regret having the affair." Don't say something because you think it is what the BS wants to hear. If you don't know the answer to something, you might say, "I don't know but it is something I want to find the answer to."

If you are committed to working through this, make sure you communicate this and also acknowledge that you are going to have good and bad days for sometime to come.

Some books I found helpful:
NOT just friends (shirley glass)
How to help your spouse heal from your affair
After the Affair

Work on writing a timeline of when it started and any trips taken, all of the lies you had to tell, any gifts/money spent. Tell him you are working on this. Give this in a therapeutic setting so both of you have proper support you need.

Stay away from graphic details such as sex acts but you will want to share that you did or did not practice safe sex. Also make plans to get yourself tested and your spouse tested for a full panel of STDs.

ETA: I strongly urge you not to play victim. What I mean by this is saying something like "I had to tell you this because the guilt was overwhelming me" or if you are called upon to disclose this to your employer or minister or someone you respect, instead of saying "my husband feels you should know about this" YOU should say "I want you to know I did this and take full responsibly for it." In other words, take ownership and be completely forthright about what you did and how you deceived people and how you regret your actions…don't just say you are coming clean because someone else wants you to do it. YOU should want to come clean on your own for obvious reasons.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 8:45 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Hi Confused43.

A little bit of a t/j here.

I'll preface this by stating this is not a critism just an observation.

You have posted a link to an article giving advice on confession of an affair, obviously you are impressed by its content.
(Other than the advice to destroy evidence, which you correctly indentified as utter crap, kudos to you)

What I find interesting is that the exact same good advice in the 'article' has been given to you repeatedly by numerous posters here on SI for weeks.

Why did it take an 'article' on the internet from a dubious source (self proclaimed marriage and christion sex expert) for you to 'get it' so to speak and not give credibility to people who have actually BTDT.

Again I'm not having a go at you, it's more a comment on the lack of critical thinking we WS's suffer from.

end t/j

You are doing really well, more power to you.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I haven't had time to read all of the responses, but a few quick thoughts and suggestions. First of all you say you "did love the OM."
You also say
I became another person pretty much.

Bingo. This is because you were in fantasy fog.
You were not you, OM was not himself. You were playing Romeo and Juliet and you loved each others characters, the script, the drama. You're going to figure that out in the next several months/years. OM and you created a bubble of dysfunction that you both became addicted to.
I suggest you not tell your BH that you loved the OM. If he asks you, and I'm sure he will, I suggest you word it "I thought I loved him." It's really hard to take back the foggy statements that are made months down the road.
Do whatever you can to free up his schedule. Do not blame your BH, do not defend your behavior, for the love of god, do not defend OM.
Make a timeline now. Why not? Don't shove it in his face when you confess, but when he settles and starts asking questions you can tell him you made a timeline (because you read this is often helpful and necessary to BS's) if he'd like to see it.
And your reason, simply that he deserves to know the truth. And if you're doing it because you want to live an honest life with him? Then say so.
And last and certainly not least, find 101 ways to get the kids out of the house to protect them.

Good luck to you! You're doing the right thing.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Oh and sadly, I'd make sure you plan ahead for possibly needing to move out at least for a day or two, maybe more. Make sure it's somewhere that is in the opposite direction of OM. Be ready to be totally accountable and reassuring to your BH. Tell him you'll do whatever he needs. Stay with him to support him, answer questions, take care of the kids and the house, or give him space.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I would google forgiveness stuff written by Rick Reynolds.

After my W read it she seemed to have a better understanding of what she was asking from me in a R M.

It may not be st to offer right away, but something for both of you to read. It isn't that long and may help you understand your BH POV. It would probably help him too. After your confession that is.



Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2555 | Registered: May 2010
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 20th (Monday)

What I find interesting is that the exact same good advice in the 'article' has been given to you repeatedly by numerous posters here on SI for weeks.
I thought it was a good article, easy to read and quickly. Often these threads get so long and hard to keep up with for those that aren't following them on a regular basis. I agree most of what has been said to me is the same as the article.

I actually prefer advice from someone that has been through something rather than a professional. Depends on the situation but definitely in a situation like I'm in I do feel that a first hand opinion is worth more than a degree in psychology. So it was no disrespect in posting it. Actually I do feel like the healing library needs a post like this though, about what to do before you confess or to prepare for D-Day. I don't remember really seeing anything there. A clean easy to read format is best I think. Maybe when I have time one day I will compile all the advice I've been given here to have posted there.

Also I still do not feel that one answer, confessing, is right for all. I haven't done it yet but my reasons for doing so have changed a bit since the beginning because I'm starting to feel differently about it. I think confessing will be the best way for me and him to move into a better marriage if that is possible. And if it is not then I have to deal with that. I'm very scared of course because this will come as a total shock.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 20th (Monday)

@confused43
I have noticed as your posts continued any mention of your AP has dwindled more and more. It could just be my perception but it seems as you''ve been preparing to confess you''ve been focusing more of your thoughts and energy on your BH. Not asking you to confirm if you''ve been experiencing more detachment from AP/emotional investment in your BH, just making an observation.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Confused.....just sent you a PM.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
hurting7897
Member
Member # 34761
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I'm proud of you for taking the step to confess. I have often said that discovering my FWH's infidelity (3 d-days) have made R that much harder. I am still unable to forgive and we are 2 years out. I wonder how much longer the A's would've gone on, how many more women there would've been, had I not come across his Facebook that fateful day. He has admitted he would never have confessed.

How to prepare your spouse? Except for protecting your children, I can't think of anything. He will be in shock and you need to listen. You caused this. You can't minimize his pain nor his reactions. But in the end, he will appreciate that you cared enough about him (FINALLY!!) to come to HIM and put an end to your deceit. I give you lots of credit for doing the right thing now. It sets the stage for R. I am proud of you.

Good luck.


Married 20 years
Me-BS-51
Him-FWH-46 "healing4us2"
2 kids, DD 12 and DS 16
D-day #1 Jan. 30,2012
D-day #2 April 12, 2012
D-day #3 April 15, 2012
June 24, 2012--Decided to R.
January 21, 2014-Forgave him! Life is sweet!

Posts: 226 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: united states
Regrette
New Member
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, January 20th (Monday)

@Regrette,
I''m going to respectfully disagree with this statement...
Affairs are just games people play.
...and I feel many of the WS who post here would similarly disagree.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

To be completely fair, this:

The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching
led to this:
the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances
...the affair is what tore that other stuff apart....the confession is just the enforcement mechanism....and not always. It just gives the BS the right to make a decision based off of real-time info. Both people deserve to have an accurate picture of the state of their relationship at any given time.
Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games.
That might be one the most depressing things I've ever read here...

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:06 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage.

Speechless.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
flayed
Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

@confused43
If you choose not to confess, whether your husband is aware of it or not, there will always be a wall between the two of you because of the secrets and lies you are keeping. Do you want to live your life walled off from the person you love most in life? I commend you for making the decision to live authentically and open up to your husband. Now you just have to rip off the bandaid and do it once he gets home.

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married.

I also whole-heartedly disagree with this point of view. This sounds like someone who is completely disinterested in having any deep connection with another human being. These are not the words of someone who loves, appreciates and respects their spouse IMO.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Maybe for some people their A signal to them that they aren't cut out for the emotional and physical bonds, commitments and intimacy of marriage. Fair enough. It takes a lot of work, self-reflection, honesty, patience and awareness. If Regrette's awareness is that it isn't for her, fine.

That doesn't mean someone like confused doesn't want to give living in the open a shot. And to give her husband a shot at an honest life where he has the choice to continue to build a home with her or not.

And if she doesn't she and Regrette should be free to express their contrary view and articulate why...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
majortom87
New Member
Member # 40350
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married. Good luck.

WTF

Let me guess, your H or W's feelings are not "real" either, right? The finances, of course, the money in your pocket it's what's real, isn't it? Who cares about that beast of burden you mercifully have living with you, working his/her ass off or taking care of the kids for you? That sh*t ain't real!! Let's have fun!! I applaud your progressiveness, yeah.

The things I have to read, I swear.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I confessed and it was the worst decision ever. The wrong pee-pees and vajayjays touching ain't got nothing on the pain of divorce--the tearing apart of home, children, the abandonment experienced, the deathblow to your finances. That sh*t is REAL meat-n-potatoes stuff. Affairs are just games people play. Commitments, vows, egos, betrayals. That's all games. Children, food, shelter, protection, union, community, home, hearth, money. That is real. Affairs were invented as coping mechanisms to deal with marriage. So, to recap: 1) worst mistake ever-confessing, 2) second worst mistake ever-the Affair, 3) third worst mistake ever--getting married.

This sounds like someone who is completely disinterested in having any deep connection with another human being.

Sounds to me like someone who never grew up, who goes through life never accepting responsibility for anything, who thinks the world owes them, someone who believes they are above everyone else and should never have to face consequences.
In other words, a cheater with their cranium firmly ensconced in their rectum.

But I digress.



I think confessing will be the best way for me and him to move into a better marriage if that is possible.

That's gold right there, I'm proud of you confused.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 2:21 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

There's something very raw and philosophical in regrettes post. Don't know if it was meant to be but it reminded me of one of my favourite theories, that of Maslows hierarchy of needs.

He explains that things like self actualisation and fulfilment of emotional needs are largely irrelevant unless we have our basic physical needs met first, e.g., food, shelter, safety, somewhere warm to sleep etc.

This may start a controversial discussion but it's a thought in my mind and I'm going to share it.. are the poverty fuelled people who live in the slums of India, the ones who beg for food and milk to feed their babies, are they as concerned with infidelity as us??


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Maybe for some people their A signal to them that they aren't cut out for the emotional and physical bonds, commitments and intimacy of marriage. Fair enough. It takes a lot of work, self-reflection, honesty, patience and awareness. If Regrette's awareness is that it isn't for her, fine.

The 2 people I told about my A were absolutely, totally AGAINST me confessing to my H. This was prior to me finding SI. According to them, I am risking my M and they were confident my H wouldn't take me back. They insisted that I was remorseful and that's all that mattered, that I would never do it again and that I will make it up to my H. This was my best friend and my sister. They only had my best interest at heart as they didn't want to see me divorced. They would never have told their husbands, but they are not me, and what may be right for them was not right for me. Those two women, as much as I love them, are very happy to not have intense attachments to their husbands. They have nice homes, lovely kids and nice enough men that they are married to. That is enough for them and they would never risk that (neither have had A's btw). But that's not enough for me, I wanted more from my M.

I went with what felt right and told my H. Granted, we don't talk about it and our M continues as though nothing has happened, but I have done the RIGHT thing by letting him know what kind of a woman he's married to. I crave to be close to him and knew full well that by keeping this secret there would always be something coming between us.


What I really did struggle with however, is him reading my e-mails between AP and I. As it happens, he doesn't want to read them and I am relieved as I know my H well enough to know, if he read them he'd never be able to get them out of his head.

I have a feeling you're going to end up confessing soon. You're definitely building up to it.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

are the poverty fuelled people who live in the slums of India, the ones who beg for food and milk to feed their babies, are they as concerned with infidelity as us?

I believe the modern venacular is 'First World Problems'

I tend to agree with the theory.

Would so much time and energy be devoted to the issue of infidelity if we were busy trying to get the next meal for our children or find somewhere to sleep?
Would it even be an issue if there were 'bigger fish to fry' so to speak.

I don't think so.

But here's the thing, we're not in the slums of India so therefore to us, it is a big deal, you feel what you feel.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

In my working travels in SE Asia I found the exact opposite to be true.
The prevailing attitude I observed was there are bigger things to worry about, get on with living. Perhaps there are cultural differences that explain the discrepancy.

Since Bdell's and my evidence is purely anecdotal it should be totally ignored.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:45 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Trying33, as a person who has visited some of the worst places on earth, I can tell you that , yes, even the poor, resent adultery. Even more profoundly than those who are well-to-do. The less you have, the greater it's importance.

But I wonder if it would be processed quicker in those circumstances? Betrayal would hurt no matter what your social and financial status but I would hazard a guess that when you also have vital issues such as what you're going to eat that day, maybe you work through it quicker?

Anyway, this is all largely academic. Confused, this thread is about you and what you decide to do. I am a firm believer that no one must be forced into doing something they do not want to do. Confessing and not tt'ing is what people will advise. It's people speaking from their own experiences and you can either choose to listen or not. I am one that will always be in favour of confessing but that does not mean I judge neither force anyone who chooses that this is not the right avenue for them.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Regrette...

Please start your own thread.

Everyone else...

Please stop t/jing Confused's thread and keep on topic.

Thanks!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197957 | Registered: May 2002
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Confused, first let me say that I applaud you for confessing the A. It may not seem like it now, but it will pay huge dividends for BOTH of you , in the future. My wife regrets completely that she didn't tell me, and listened to her IC , who told her not to. By confessing, you are re-establishing trust and respect, and that will go a long way to proving your remorse and honesty.
As far as prepping him for the confession, I think that there is little you can do, other than writing the timeline and making sure that there are no other distractions, when you tell him. Alone, after dinner or some other quiet time would seem like the best idea. Good luck!! I wish my wife had the courage you are showing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I'm still here. just doing lots of reading. Scared out of my crazy mind to say the least. Husband is still out of town. Trying to absorb what I can but super overwhelmed.

I know in my heart it's the right thing to do. I want him to want me with all my flaws and all. I know he wont be able to after I tell him but I just mean that in time I hope he can. I always said if he found out he'd want a divorce so my hope is by him not finding out and me confessing that he will see that I'm serious about keeping our relationship.

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth. I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

The other question was if AP's spouse knew and yes she does. She found out, didn't care too much and said they should proceed with the divorce they started the prior year. Not a big issue which is kind of sad really. AP is in new home now and things are going well for everyone. No he is not lying to me. Also AP's wife has obviously not told my husband and I dont believe she will. However that does not make me sleep easier at night as she could change her mind a few years down the road when her life is possibly miserable and she wants to hurt me.

As I sit here in my nice warm home with my belongings near me I cant even think what would happen if I had to move out and get a divorce. I honestly try not to let my mind go there since it will be out of my control. The time I had control was before I started my affair and well I didn't think things through very well. In the end I do believe in my heart that if we can survive this that our marriage will be stronger and if we cant then I guess I try to move on as best as I can. I do agree he does deserve the truth though.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

With the AP's BS knowing I don't really think you have an option of not telling your husband. Its too big of a risk to think at some point she won't contact him and tell all.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I can tell you that when the OM got engaged last year, I reached out to his fiancee and told her about his A with my WW. I never had contact with OM, but I wanted to hurt him. Probably not the most useful thing I ever did with my time, but sharing so that you know that the chance your husband finds out about this through other means have definitely gone up with the BS of your OM knowing.

Glad you are working through this and looking forward to seeing the support you'll get in this community when you take that step and need wise heads to help guide you in healing yourself and your husband.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

@Confused43,
If you had posted about it beforehand I would have advised against telling OM you were going to confess. It''''s not so much about damage control but about showing loyalty. You cannot, if you hope to R, do anything that puts the OM before your BH. Your OM cannot have any consideration of that kind going forward. You give people a "heads up" out of concern, respect or deference.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 5:54 PM, January 21st, 2014 (Tuesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
BryanP37
New Member
Member # 39685
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It sounds like you are as ready as you ever will be. There is no good way to break that kind of news to someone. I only wish my ex wife confessed her affair to me after she had been caught by her ex best friend instead of taking it underground. Me finding out on my own figured heavily into me filing for divorce immediately. It turned some kind of ugly once I confirmed what was going on and confronted my ex wife.

I commend you on your courage to do the right thing and confess to your husband and give him the opportunity to decide for himself what direction he wants to go. It appears you are making good preparations before you confess. I tend to agree the odds of saving your marriage are better if you come clean up front. My ex did not.

The only advise I can offer as you've had some very good suggestions up to this point is to expect the unexpected. Don't expect a normal anger response. Mine was shocking to everyone. It hit me like nothing ever has. Completely out of character for me. Then again, it may dumbfound him and be a delayed reaction. Nonetheles, it appears you are prepared and ready to do the right thing for your husband.

I wish you peace and strength.


BS: Me-38
XWS: Her-34
Married 7 yrs, together 9 years-No kids
Ex had 4 month PA with her best friends husband. Other flings early in marriage confessed during discovery.
Divorce final 6-25-2013.
Carefully reconciling after divorce. 10/2013

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth.

You contacted him to warn him and to try to protect yourself. This action continues to show no consideration or respect for your BH.

You can try to control and manipulate this situation, but that won't help any chance of R.

I asked you that question "had you been NC with the AP" several days ago. You evaded it for obvious reasons.

I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

Time will tell. Actions, not words. I haven't seen any positive actions yet, just contact with the OP.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Also someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the truth.

Interesting...
Was this your only contact or have you been in constant contact since your BH has been gone?

I know you all think I'm in lala land with AP still but I'm not.

Yes you are. Your contact with him proves that.

You are still very much in your affair and it is quite evident where your loyalties still lie


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

so someone asked if I had been in contact with AP and yes I have. I contacted him to let him know I was confessing and if my husband should contact him for any reason to please just tell him the

Make sure your husband knows this....
You do realize it's more manipulation on your part?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

You contacted him to warn him and to try to protect yourself. This action continues to show no consideration or respect for your BH.

You can try to control and manipulate this situation, but that won't help any chance of R.

I asked you that question "had you been NC with the AP" several days ago. You evaded it for obvious reasons.

That's fine, think what you want. I'm not here to impress any of you. I like getting different perspectives but I don't need to prove myself to anyone but my family right now. I contacted him because I don't want AP to lie to my husband in order to protect me. That would not be good. Maybe look at it from a different perspective. Since I'm not in contact with AP he may get a random call from my BH and may answer with a bunch of "I don't remember" etc, then it makes it look like we are hiding something. Did I forget to mention we went out to drinks while discussing this - just trying to get you fired up. Of course I didn't.

I didn't have to answer your question MrsPanda but I did. Sure it took me a few days as I am alone taking care of my 3 kids and was not able to fully read the messages. I did answer it though and could have easily avoided it. I have always answered honestly as again I have nothing to prove to any of you.

You are still very much in your affair and it is quite evident where your loyalties still lie
Again nothing to prove to any of you. You are wrong but I'm losing interest in defending myself. I have a lot on mind as it is and I'm not going to let you get under my skin. Think what you want. I have no problem letting my husband know that I contacted AP and told him to tell the truth. My husband can look at my emails if he wants. I hope he doesn't but they are there. I can see however that a BS may want to contact AP and ask questions. For many reasons. Don't know if it will happen here but wanted to be prepared.

Just know every situation is different, you can't put everyone in the same box. What I read on SI is heartbreaking. All the TT and such to make it harder on the BS. I am trying to do this the least painful way I can. I've gotten a lot of great advice on this site and I will focus on that.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think one of the flaws in logic here is that you assume that because you told your AP to tell your husband the truth, that he's going to do so. I mean, if your husband calls him up and threatens all manners of bodily harm and rips the guy a new one, my guess is that the AP is going to get defensive and maybe all attack-ey.

Also, if your story and the AP's story match up, and you tell your husband that you called him ahead of time, there's a very good chance that he's going to just assume that you called him ahead to get your stories straight.

I agree...not every situation is the same. I think most posters here would agree with that...what is worrisome is that it feels like you're trying to know and control the variables at play here. I'm not telling you your way of handling it is *wrong*, per se, just that there are a million different ways this can go down, and there is no real way to plan for that.

ETA: Just being careful to try to fit within guidelines.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I contacted him because I don''t want AP to lie to my husband in order to protect me.
I see what your thought process was there. My post was more about the perception of it from the BS perspective. You need to be aware of it. If I only heard that the OM knew you were going to confess, that you had spoken to him about the confession before I heard the confession then I would be bothered by it for the reasons I mentioned in my last post. If I''m told it was to ensure the OM did not try to gaslight me then I would be more understanding but the contact would still bother me.

Good luck.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Then I'm wrong. Just to reiterate, there is no least painful way. Your intention may have been good by contacting the AP The interpretation of that intention May not be seen as such once confessed


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

and if roles were reversed I would have wanted AP to let me know his wife knew and it was ok for me to be honest. We did not end badly where we are looking to hurt the other person. We both want what is best for one another. FOr me I want to make it work with my husband. For him he is now on his own trying to get his life back together. All I'm saying is I'd want to know so I didn't make it any harder on him working it out with his wife. Not that I would necessarily lie but I'd prefer to have him tell me it's ok to be totally honest.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think one of the flaws in logic here is that you assume that because you told your AP to tell your husband the truth, that he's going to do so. I mean, if your husband calls him up and threatens all manners of bodily harm and rips the guy a new one, my guess is that the AP is going to get defensive and maybe all attack-ey.

Also, if your story and the AP's story match up, and you tell your husband that you called him ahead of time, there's a very good chance that he's going to just assume that you called him ahead to get your stories straight.

I have everything in email and my AP knows I am not deleting the emails right now so he has no reason to lie unless he wants to take a harder beating. Also no reason to get stories straight as the proof in the email. That was our main form of communicating. It's all there.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

You are still new to this and no everything doesn't fit in the same box, but we know What works and what does not

contact with the AP about confession and telling the truth can backfire. It is good you kept those emails. Overall He is going to want the truth from you


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

and if roles were reversed I would have wanted AP to let me know his wife knew and it was ok for me to be honest.
I do see your rationale. The point is that approach is not thinking about it from your BH''s pov. One of the questions you will likely get is "When did you talk to him (i.e. when was the last time you spoke to him) and what did you talk about?"

Think of it this way. What if every time you texted, emailed or spoke to OM someone took a sharp needle and physically jabbed your BH with it? Imagine every time you were in direct contact with OM someone took your BH and dunked him in a vat of ice water after injecting him with an epinephrine pen. The thing is I''m not exaggerating. Every time I read about those kind of things that is about how I felt (probably worse tbh).

Good luck.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3872 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I've said from the start that Confused is trying to once again "handle" or manipulate her husband and the situation. She "handled" her husband during the entire affair. Confused, I don't know you and I can see this, the chance that your husband won't is slim. Looking for the perfect time, place and manner to tell. Its all manipulation, your way of being in control. You can't control this. All you have is the truth, and even that isn't in your control, being that the OM's BS is aware. You control only being able to tell him before she does. I promise you, its crossed her mind and she may be very well working towards that end.

Once your husband knows I fear you will continue to control things, this will only puch him farther away from what you want.

I wish you the best of luck, I hope it works out for the two of you. I fear it won't.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

You are right, I am trying to control the situation as best as I can now because once it's out there I no longer have much control and in fact don't know what the reaction/outcome will be. Why wouldn't I try to control it? If those of you WW's could have picked a different time to be confronted/prepared I bet you would have. I'm not burning letters, deleting emails or anything like that in preparation for Dday. I'm trying to get the best advice from those that have been there done that. I am making sure my kids will be gone first, figuring out what not to say, more than what to say. I've gotten some great tips on that. Yes I'm trying to control it. Most people would. Also I mentioned my husband is out of town and I am not about to do this the minute he walks in the door. Kids need to be gone first. Personally I think it's smarter to be prepared.

I think many of you are just waiting to see what the outcome is and you are getting impatient. It's my life, I'm going to prepare the best I can. I'm not going to be pressured by anyone here.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Think of it this way. What if every time you texted, emailed or spoke to OM someone took a sharp needle and physically jabbed your BH with it? Imagine every time you were in direct contact with OM someone took your BH and dunked him in a vat of ice water after injecting him with an epinephrine pen. The thing is I'm not exaggerating. Every time I read about those kind of things that is about how I felt (probably worse tbh).
Thank you for the analogy, it does help put it in perspective for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think many of you are just waiting to see what the outcome is and you are getting impatient.

Wrong. No one is pressuring you. Quite frankly, you are Still getting advice. You aren't doing anything that no other WS who confessed hasn't tried
Trust me when I say that what you are "preparing" for is going to be seen as manipulation. You're Scared and trying to control this...... You can't. All you need to do is tell the truth and back it up


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Having gotten a confession, I can tell you it wouldn't make a difference how or where she told me. Wouldn't have made it easier to take.

I have a good idea how this will play out. I know that many here don't like numbers but their not on your side.

Hearing this is tough for anyone, but for a man in a marriage its calls into question any kids born into the marriage. "If she did it now, how can I believe its the first and only time". We don't have the support system as woman. My own mothers first question when I told her of my exWW A was "well, what were you doing wrong?" WTF, my own mother?

This is an uphill battle, many of us can see the mistakes your about to make and trying to help you avoid them. You seem to think we've popped the popcorn and simply looking to be entertained. I don't think that's the case.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I wouldn't want to be pressured either. I think probably you are coming off as very cold and manipulative, a bit NPD about this and it is setting people off because it reeks of affair gaslighting and deceit.

Probably once you have been able to tell your husband and things calm down a bit, everyone who is trying to support you will be very relieved.

I hope it goes as well as it can.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Confused, I remember working up the courage to tell. I was sick, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was trying to hide my crying constantly. It's no fun.

I'm watching your thread to offer support when you need it. I've btdt and it was HARD. I don't feel impatience, just a desire to help. I believe most folks on here are hoping with you that this will be a first step for good things down the road for both you and your BH. There are many people here who are proof that it gets better if you do the work.

I agree that this is your life and your marriage and your choice. I think it would be good practice for you to work on dropping the defensiveness now. Even though you don't owe any of us here anything it wouldn't go over well with your BH.

You won't agree with everything everyone has to say to you. Take what you need and leave the rest.

And breathe. We all wish you well.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1449 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Confused,

you are doing ok, I don't agree with some of the other takes. I am impressed that you are sticking around. Your plans to get the kids gone, etc. are timely.

You should be prepared for questions about the rest of your marriage. I know a lot more now about relationships, marriage, intimacy, truth, etc. than I did 2 years ago.

Because of this knowledge, I have some doubts about some earlier times in our M as I look back at things differently. So be aware the questions you will get will come from all over the place.

As a BH I do want to echo again the issue of being compared to the AP. Much later you will realize what a scumbag a man must be to mess around with a married woman with kids. Until you really come to that realization at a deep level, you will be at risk for making your BH feel like the 2nd choice by your choice of words.

pulling for you...


oh it took my wife almost 10 months into R to really understand what it meant to be a booty call.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
smez
Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Dear confused,

I just wanted to offer my support. Good luck. I hope this brings you the closure or healing that you need. I agree that you are getting tons of pressure to confess and half of them are sitting back with popcorn.

I didn't end badly with AP either and if I ever did confess to the physical (I'm not so go find somebody else to pressure) I would give him a heads up out of courtesy.

Take your time. Take all this advice with the grain of salt. Only you know your husband and your marriage. Do what is best for you and him.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
majortom87
New Member
Member # 40350
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Confused, I don't know you and I never will, but I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. You're doing what's right and, in the long run, what's best for you and your husband. When your H gets home you're going to get cold feet, d@mn, your feet are going to freeze lol. It's normal and there's nothing wrong with being scared. You have to think that you're winning points and taking steps in the reconciliation path already! You're doing a lot of work in advance: you're confessing instead of getting caught (therefore starting in a way better situation than most of WS that answer you here), you're not TT and not deleting evidence, you're doing everything right already. That doesn't mean your H is going to forgive you, he may leave, but the chances are way better than most of what I've read here. Be strong! Remember that you're not confused anymore, you know what you have to do and you are working towards it. Best luck!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Confused, if this hasn't been added before - I wrote out a letter, to make sure I had everything included, and I read it to him.
And, yes, there is no good time, place, etc.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate the support. I run a business and 999 people out of a 1000 are happy customers, but there is always that 1 customer that you cant seem to make happy and I let it bug me. My husband says think of the 999 but I want to make the 1 happy. That's how I feel here sometimes and get defensive.

I'm glad many of you get it though. It's not something I'm going to jump into just to get it over with. I do want to try to be prepared, even though I realize at some point you just have to do it. and I do have a plan, just don't want to share it right now.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

by the way, this is a great mantra and "work from" spot that is the crux of most every wayward.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5053 | Registered: Dec 2010
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Just wanted to check in and say Hi.

It seems you are getting a little beat up by some of the WW's and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts for the difficult task you have ahead of you. I tried to private message you but I'm guessing you turned it off to avoid all the hate mail :)

I wish I had been as brave as you and confessed on my own before my A got to the point it did.

Every BH is different but I hope yours will can see that you truly mean to reconcile and will give you the chance to do so.

No matter what, you have a tough road ahead - my BH has been wonderful and 2 1/2 years later it seems the conflicts get less and less related to the A and we deal with normal married husband and wife issues. I think I am now the one who thinks everything relates back to the A when actually BH isn't even thinking about it.


Best of luck to you!


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Hi Confused,

I know you may possibly have had a rough weekend, given your threads and that your H was out of town until this weekend.

Regardless how this weekend went or whether you decided to come clean or not, I just wanted to let you know we are thinking good thoughts for you.

It's a dark place you're in - I know. But you being willing to be honest with your H and yourself proves there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this, and we are here to listen if you need us.

Hoping you're well,

RegretfulHusband


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 134