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Reconciliation
User Topic: Retrouvaille, for us?
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

We have the chance to go to Retrouvaille fairly close to home, Valentines Day weekend. I even have a sitter lined up, but am wondering if it is for us?

Our MC was kind of noncommittal about it, and I am wondering if it is good for folks who aren't on the verge of divorce. We are solidly in R, and working hard, 6 months out from DDay. We have stuff to learn, for sure -- I was wondering what those of you who have done it, or know more about it, think the benefits are?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Oh my gosh, GO! We were solidly reconciled when we went, or so I felt. But, the difference in our level of intimacy after (actually, started during Retrouvaille) is outstanding! We were able to communicate on a level that we never had before.

It isn't just for people on the verge of divorce but for people who's marriage has suffered a crisis. I can't recommend this program enough.

We went at almost 2 years past d-day. It was perfect timing for us, we probably could have gone a few months sooner, but it was fine when we went.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

We tried to go in Oct. but only made it one night. It was too soon for us. The emotions were too raw. Our MC said if we had asked her she would have told us to wait. If you think you are ready go for it! If your in MC ask if they think your ready.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

We are signed up for one in February near us. We are 16 months out now, 18 months out when we go.

We went to a Weekend to Remember weekend about 6 months out....got some out of it, but might have been a bit to early....

Retrovaille is mandatory for some family courts before a D is granted.....must have some merit?

I have been advised to take a vacation day the Monday after....to rest.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I have to tell a funny story - I was looking at the website and my son (9) was looking over my shoulder. He said, "Mom, why are all the pictures on the website of people fighting?" and I explained it was for people who wanted to make their marriages better. . .but sure enough, every time I clicked on a page, it showed another couple in distress, heads in hands, crying, etc. He shook his head and said, "I don't know Mom, I wouldn't make any friends there."

Oh, thanks for the endorsement, SM. That clinches it. And blakesteele, glad we'll have a "friend" doing it as well.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:51 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Well, your son is right. You aren't there to make friends and you really shouldn't attempt to on the first weekend. It is all about you and your spouse. Of course, be pleasant at meals but it isn't a time for friend making.

At the follow up weekends is when we made friends with fellow Retrouvaillers.

Your son is funny and observant.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

It was helpful in so many ways for us. It was a weekend where we could just focus on us without any distractions. As we progressed through the weekend, we had built true intimacy and the exercises we do after it has kept us intimate and forthcoming.

We did it at 4 months, which may have been early, but the feeling I had on the Sunday was overwhelming. I was a feeling of lightness and reconnection. Now, don't get me wrong I still have my moments, but I refer to that Retrouvaille feeling and I know happiness is there, I just have to keep working at it.

I think you have nothing to lose and the potential to gain something valuable, so go for it!

[This message edited by ILINIA at 3:02 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2013
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Definitely go! It's all about better communication and increasing intimacy. We went about 3 months after Dday and it was a very good thing for us. We didn't complete all the follow-up weekends and think we should try to find time to go back for the ones we missed.

There is not much interaction with other couples. The presenters share their own stories and give you topics to think about and talk about with your spouse. It's all what you make of it for yourselves. We really enjoyed it and felt so much more bonded after the experience. Mr. ShowNoEmotion actually broke down in front of the group at the final optional sharing moment - saying the weekend helped him remember all the reasons he loved me (and he was a real foggy waffler for a while after Dday).

And a GREAT suggestion to take Monday off. Our weekend was a couple hours drive away and we were emotionally exhausted after the intensity of the weekend. They don't give much "down time"! I REALLY wish we had spent a day at home together after it was over. Would have been wonderful.

(Hilariously, to keep costs down --ours was held at an Abbey, not a hotel, and we were given 2 rooms with tiny single beds. We felt like delinquents, sneaking out of our rooms at night to be together and cuddling in the most uncomfortable tiny bed. However, we'll never forget it!)

Enjoy it!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 691 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

We did our weekend 10 months after DDay. I heard about it here on SI, proposed it to FWH, and we signed up. When we went, we felt like we were in a pretty good place, and our communication, especially about feelings, increased greatly. Thank God.

Because during our post-sessions, I found out that he had lied to me and was keeping Porn in the house. I left him and moved into a hotel for three days. We went to a post-session the day after I moved back home. It was agony. But throughout, we kept doing our exercises. When we would talk to each other, we used a lot of the tools that Retrouvaille gave us. And that helped a lot. When we finished the post-sessions, I still was not sure that we were going to R. But it helped us to draw back closer to each other.

And when I listened to my gut and caught him with his private browsing sessions, I saw a lawyer and we were doing an in-house separation. We dropped all of our exercises at that point, but were using the methods of communication when we talked to each other about necessary things. When he bounced, hard, off of the bottom, realizing that I was in earnest about leaving him, the tools allowed us to keep talking to each other. ''Twas Grace that led us back to each other, but Retrouvaille was a large part of that grace by giving us tools to seek understanding.

So no matter how solid you are, I think that this program can give you tools that you may need in the future. And there is a continuing community of support which we are plugged into. And whoever suggested taking the following Monday off is BANG-on! I was exhausted on that Monday. It''s intense, it''s eye-opening, and I highly recommend it.

So, I''ll be saying a little prayer for you and blakesteele in February.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Omgosh, definitely go! I think you are in the perfect place. We were 10 months out when we went.

It focuses on communication skills, not on problems, so the A will not come up much (which is why it is hard to go if you are really close to Dday and still talking about "it" constantly).

Be prepared to work hard, this is not a leisurely weekend. And there are boxes of tissues all over the place if that tells you anything. But I honestly think you will be SO glad you went. And I think the first Valentine's Day is a perfect time.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
MylarPineapples
Member
Member # 39570
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

We just went to a Retrouvaille weekend at the beginning of December, and are in the middle of our post sessions now. We were not on the verge of divorce when we went (although some couples were). We too had been going to counseling and felt things were moving along well with reconciliation before our weekend.

Both WH and I felt like we got more out of that weekend than we have out of any of the counseling we've done. I would strongly recommend going if you are able! Also plan to attend the post sessions - we've been getting a lot out of those too, and it helps us to stay on track with trying to practice the new tools we learned. I agree with the previous posters who recommended taking the Monday following your weekend off from work. We did, and we needed it! The weekend was great, but we definitely left there completely exhausted.


Me: BS, Him: WH, 3 kids
8/08: EA with former neighbor
1/13: EA/Sexting with Coworker #1
6/13: Sexting with Coworker #2

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I signed us up last night! Is it weird to be excited? (What has my life become?)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I've been considering it. I think it's here in february, here. I requested info, but haven't received any yet.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Go, it's a wonderful program!!

Even tho you're in a group setting, all your exercises are done in private and you're never asked to share anything unless you volunteer to. Don't be turned off the the religious tone, it's very mild and you're not obligated to attend morning Mass, but it's there if you choose to participate.

If you can, take the following Monday off, you both will be completely, emotionally exhausted and will need time to re-charge.

The whole point to the program is to give you the tools to communicate openly and honestly and really hear the other person. You'll carry the communication tools with you from here on out.

Everything is very private, you are never asked to share anything, unless you volunteer to do so. I highly recommend you take your favorite pen or pencil...you'll be writting alot. Once a day or so the priest who was doing some of the presentations asked a sort of, "Anybody like to share about how it's going" type of question. People gave fairly general comments, but there were a few who got emotional. It was completely voluntary though.

You are never asked to read what you’ve written to the group. If you or your FWS is a private person, he doesn't need to worry a bit. At the end of the weekend, you'll be given an envelope, and you offer what you can afford. Our weekend cost approximately $250.00 per person, this includes all your workshop materials, 3 meals a day and lodging. You are not required to donate anything, they only ask you give as much as you are comfortable with…it’s completely anonymous. If you can’t afford to donate anything, no one will know the difference.

MH and I were blessed with being able to pay for both our expenses and we covered partial cost for another couple…again, completely anonymous. This is all done in the privacy of your room.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197943 | Registered: May 2002
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Here''s another thing about the program. The couples who present to you have also been there and done that. They have been in the trenches with failing marriages. Adultery is only one of the reasons, so if you''re a couple with other deep marriage problems, you''re going to hear the stories of people who may also have had similar struggles. Like this site, there is a lot of BTDT attitude. It''s not a theoretical program it''s based in hard work and "handbook" principals that are true to all marriages.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
2B1again
New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 13th (Monday)

My BS and I have been reading SI a lot (she is addicted!), we really appreciate the care and support everyone has for one another.
We are only 5 months out from DD2 and my wife is beyond devastated. I am completely remorseful but she has not made a decision as to whether she wants to stay in the marriage (as agreed upon, we will look at our situation after 3 months since she moved back in - this will be February 8).
She has been a voracious reader of infidelity and I have tried to keep up with her (but not even close)also IC and MC -so we have good basic knowledge of the phases of the ruin that I have created.
We have an opportunity to attend Retrouvaille in two weeks but we both fear it is too soon. The next session is not until June but as she said "we might not be together by then".
Please help.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 13th (Monday)

IMO -- go. If you say by the next session you may not be together by then, what is there to lose?

In what way do you think you aren't ready? There are people who go and are in limbo and not sure if they will stay in their marriage.

I also ask that question to help us on our end because my husband and I are helping with the next Retrouvaille weekend here to help support couples attending for the first time. We are nervous too

Keep an open mind and know that a lot of other couples are in the same situation.

[This message edited by DixieD at 12:15 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 13th (Monday)

2B1Again......17 month out BS, SI active member.

Retrovaille is in our future.....3 weeks away to going. My wife took her A underground, broke NC, lots of lies AFTER DD's, slow to find remorse, defensive. So even though I am 17 months out from DD, it's probably more realistic to say we are just 8-10 months into R.


What was your journey like? How " quick" did you repent and find honest remorse?

My two cents to you is.....if your BS is up for it, go for it .

In Missouri, retrovaille is required by some family courts before a D is granted. One of my justifications to going is that we will at least hit that goal should we D. Romantic, huh?

I am "all in" for learning to R. I believe retrovaille is a healthy step towards that goal. I offer this lesser point as an "at the very least" motivation to going.

Adultery IS a valid reason for D. No sense in avoiding that fact.


What additional stress do you fear retrovaille will put on your struggling M that will push either of you to end it?

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 13th (Monday)

t/j. DixieD....very kind and courageous of you and Mr DixieD to help out!!! Cool!

end t/j.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 13th (Monday)

For the people who have been to Retrouvaille what approx. amount did you donate if any? Please you don't have to give an exact amount but a range would be good.

Thanks!


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
2B1again
New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 13th (Monday)

My main fear is what Flourgirl posted - "Emotions too raw". I'm not afraid to cry (God knows that I have wept rivers)and the overwhelming realization of what I have done is a necessary and continuous emotion. I want to and am willing to do anything to save our marriage - which as my wife correctly points out, this is a hypocritical and ironic thing to say after what I have done.
My wife is nowhere near "Progress and Healing and Real Acceptance" which as we all know will hopefully arrive after year 2. And this is the concern. There seems to be a common thread that one must obtain some level of acceptance for progress toward healing and in-turn a better relationship. This underlying theme would somewhat distract my wife's goals of better communication. I agree that we have nothing to lose and with that being said, ideally a mindset more firmly rooted in R would be more conducive to learning (?).
Dixie, is acceptance part of the curriculum? If so, is it prevalent? This will certainly help my wife prepare. We both certainly understand that attending Retrouvaille would not be a catalyst for creating additional stress to push the marriage to the end, but it could create more stress for my wife if she feels any responsibility to find acceptance sooner than she is ready.
blakesteel- my journey to repentance was relatively short after I finally ended my affair (after nearly 4 years of false R). I definitely engaged in minimization and TT, but it is all out there now even though she feels there is more info she doesn't have (she is a detail person). This is probably true considering the length of time I engaged in my affair. I know there are no major omissions but for example just last week there was a realization for her that my affair included more intimacy than she had thought. This is where I hope Retrouvaille will help us; I am having tremendous difficulty with good communication - just talking - just saying something continues to elude me.
In summary we suspect (know) that the sessions will be terribly painful and we are just not sure that we are yet at a place that will allow us the full benefits of what the program has to offer.
Thank you so much.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 13th (Monday)

The WW and I are attending this weekend. We are 8 months out from Dday #2. Has come heavily recommended so we are both hopeful.


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I think Retrouvaille is a ways out for us, but it sounds so promising. Those of you who are going, please come back and post about how it went!


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Dixie, is acceptance part of the curriculum? If so, is it prevalent? This will certainly help my wife prepare. We both certainly understand that attending Retrouvaille would not be a catalyst for creating additional stress to push the marriage to the end, but it could create more stress for my wife if she feels any responsibility to find acceptance sooner than she is ready.

I will agree, I could see that. We went to Retrouvaille only 3 months after dday, perhaps too soon but it's a case for me of take what you need.

ETA: I had a panic attack the first night and almost left. So it is not easy, but I wanted to try even though it was hard. I'm glad we saw it through.

It has good solid processes for communication and expressing feelings. Things that can help move R forward in my opinion.

I do not subscribe to the idea of forgiveness as in biblical terms. It is a process (slow one) for me and I get through it at my own pace in my own way. There was a time I couldn't even read about forgiveness without getting angry and building rage. I was not ready and no one was going to force me. That is not the case now. It doesn't evoke the same reaction, so I know progress is happening. Acceptance is the same way. I'm in Year 3 and I'm closer to it. I can see my progress now but I'm not prepared to say I've reached it. And my husband has never asked for forgiveness, nor expected it.

Information is presented. The work you do is your own. Attend the followup sessions if you can. They are very good.

I hope that makes sense.

Kap, sorry I can't remember but I know we felt we got more from it and the follow up sessions then we were getting in very expensive MC.

[This message edited by DixieD at 3:43 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 13th (Monday)

We went 4 months after dday. Retrouvaille was part of our "entering R phase" which included a signed postnup, WH changing teams, complete honesty and transparency, MC and IC, etc.

I was willing to do ANYTHING to get out of the black pit of hell. I am still struggling with acceptance, so I know it is not required before Retrovaille. Also, I remember getting the book when we arrived that on one page had positive emotions and on the other was negative emotions. Before it started, I went down every single negative emotion and said to myself "Yep, feeling that one". I remember ignoring the positive emotion side because it was too hard to relate. He still felt like my enemy. There were a couples that were not making eye contact with each other on Friday night. I am sure many of the couples are in the same situation, so it didn't seem out of place if you were hating your WS.

It is a weekend that you can devote to each other without interruptions. You learn how to communicate better and see each other in a different light by hearing other's stories. On Sunday I had a lightness about me, I called it a high. I FELT GOOD, ALIVE, AND I WAS ME AGAIN! It was a window that showed me that I would survive, we would survive. It also gave me a break. Someone else worried about feeding us or planned the day. I just had to be open enough to go along for the ride. With that being said, your days are packed!

We are still not out of the woods. The rage stage hit at 5 months and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. But I can remember back to that high feeling I had on that Sunday and tell myself, "I was there once, I will get there again. I am capable of surviving this."

We are "Retrouvaille-pushers", we believe in their program and have recommended it to a few IRL couples. We are also on a volunteer list to help with the program in our city. Also, we aren't Christian. I only say that as I see other couples veering away from it because they think it is only for the Catholic population. We are seriously considering doing it AGAIN this year.

So yes, it may have been early, but I needed something/anything. You want to go into it as a step forward, therefore, I would not recommend it if TTing is still happening or if there is still contact with AP.

eta: Even though were in MC and IC, we made more progress in one weekend than months of counseling. If BS has questions, feel free to PM me.

Also, I wanted to say that I also went to Retrouvaille thinking it would be helpful to us whether we R or D. Due to kids, we needed to learn our to communicate again. I think that took the pressure off of me. I didn't want WH thinking that if we did this program all would be well.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:13 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Just go. I guarantee that there will be couples in there who have filed divorce papers. Who will be using boxes of Kleenex (that they thoughtfully provide under the chairs). Who will be so angry at each other that they will try to book separate rooms and not sit near each other. Who will be in just as bad of a mental shape as you are in.

That''s expected. That''s why you go to something like this program. If you were healed, you wouldn''t need to go. One of our couple presenters went thru the program weekend while the WH was still in contact with his OW. He went NC afterwards. Two of our presenter couples went thru the program twice, completely. They realized that they had held back and wanted to get the full benefit.

As to cost, they ask for a very nominal fee up front and if you are really cash-strapped, talk to them about it. We donated more, much more than that afterwards (they are a charity so those further donations can be written off, just saying...) because we wanted to help fund a couple in need. And we''re going to be participating this year as behind the scenes helpers for at least one, possibly two of the weekends. We''re hosting a group session in our house in two weeks.

It''s sorta like getting pregnant. If you want until all of the stars line up and finances are just right and you have the correct number of rooms in your house, then you may never actually get around to having children. Just jump in and go.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 13th (Monday)

t/j. DixieD....very kind and courageous of you and Mr DixieD to help out!!! Cool!
end t/j.

Thanks for the kind words Blake. Hopefully we can support the couples who attend and like Skan said, it also gives us a chance to look at things again more closely than we did the first time.

Kudos to you too Skan and Mr.Skan for helping out in your community.

[This message edited by DixieD at 8:52 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
2B1again
New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for your encouragement. We have registered! I'm sure we will find this experience difficult, challenging and a very positive life-long investment of personal growth.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)

That's great Good luck and best wishes to you both!


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Crushed18
New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

We attended in October 2013...4 months after DDay. I highly recommend giving it a try. It was emotionally draining for both of us, but what we learned made it worth every tear. Our communication is better and it definetly helped my husband better express his thoughts and emotions.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Crushed18
New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

We attended in October 2013...4 months after DDay. I highly recommend giving it a try. It was emotionally draining for both of us, but what we learned made it worth every tear. Our communication is better and it definetly helped my husband better express his thoughts and emotions.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
2B1again
New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

My wife and I attended Retrouvaille last weekend. It was certainly a highly emotional experience and one that we both feel was beneficial. We will now also recommend Retrouvaille to anyone that is serious about good heartfelt communication and want to commit to try to restore their marriage. We are using the tools we learned and are committed to attending the follow-up sessions which we are told are very important get the full benefit of the program.
Thank you all, for encouraging us to go, our future is still uncertain but we both have a little more hope.


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Glad to hear this 2B.

As we got to go through the Weekend again recently, this time as helpers, it was encouraging to see the transformation of the couples from Friday to Sunday. I was wondering how your wife and you were doing too.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

We're considering signing up, how important are the follow up sessions? I can't find one less than 5-8 hrs away so it feels unrealistic to do more than the weekend part. But we do really want to go....


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
SoVeryTired5
Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Morhurt- my WH and I went to our weekend in early December. Couple from different states away attended the weekend in our area. Those couples haven't continued their post sessions in our area. They have found follow up sessions in their own areas. Their follow up sessions may not have started right after our weekend, but the helpers in Retrouvaille will help you find post sessions closer to your home if at all possible.


Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I think this would be a great thing for my WH and I to do. Unfortunately the only one scheduled for our area is Valentine's weekend. I think I'd rather wait a month or 2 as last Day was at Christmas time and we were in false R.. I'm hoping they'll add a few more in the coming months. I've always been the communicator but have struggled with being heard as I don't always go about it right. WH definitely needs this too as he doesn't do well with being open about what's going on inside his head and heart. I know it would help us grow as a couple and individuals.


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
CantBeUndone
Member
Member # 42205
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

For the people who have been to Retrouvaille what approx. amount did you donate if any? Please you don't have to give an exact amount but a range would be good.

I'm wondering this too. The registration fee for the one close to me is $200 which is fine, but the requested donation is another $600. I don't think we can swing $800 for the weekend but it also says never let finances keep you from coming.


Me: WW
Him: BH
30's, 4 kids
DD- Jan 2014

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

For the people who have been to Retrouvaille what approx. amount did you donate if any? Please you don't have to give an exact amount but a range would be good.
Please don't let this hold you back. Honestly, donate only what you can afford. If it is $50.00 that you can afford, donate that. If you can afford $1200.00 donate that.

There are people who can not financially afford Retrouvaille. There are people who can well afford Retrouvaille and are generous and pay for others. (You won't know how much anyone donates and if someone is paying extra.) Retrouvaille wants everyone to go who needs it because it is worth it to them to save marriages. That is their mission.

They said at our weekend that on the previous Retrouvaille weekend someone donated $3000.00. Really, only donate what you can afford and don't feel guilty about it. Some day, if you like, if you happen to have some extra money, donate it to Retrouvaille.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I am checking in on the folks that were supposed to go the past few weekends. . . is that you Blakesteele? Focusupward? What did you think?

We go Valentines Day weekend. Nervous!!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

2B1again - I'm glad you had a good experience and it looks like you joined the Retrouvaile-pusher club!

Do NOT worry about the donation piece. You give what you can, their first priority is to help you, not to collect money from you. They know what is more important.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Hi bionicgal....we are going Feb 6-8th.....I am a bit nervous about it....but am very ready for this.

We are currently seeing a very expensive ($110 for 45 minutes) MC....she is much better than our original one ($70 per 60 minutes for her) but I still get this feeling that it will be at least 10 more weeks before results are felt.

Todays session was structured and I get a sense she has a plan for us....two things our old MC never really did for us. But I still struggle with the thought...."$110 per session better kick us in the ass and get on down this road!"....feeling.

Today a part of me felt like a college transfer station that my new advisor treated me like a freshman. Some of the stuff she suggested we try, we have tried for 12 months. I guess we just didnt do it well?

Yeah, a part of me still needs to mature and be patient.

Asked our MC today how long she invisions us working with her....."Typically 10-12 sessions". So that is another $1,100 to $1,200.....on top of the $4k-$5k we already spent on 12 months of MC, IC and one Weekend to Remember!

But God calls us to perservere, and we are blessed to have the resources to do this, and I realize it is NOT blakesteele's or mrs. blakesteele's resources...it is ultimately all God's resources. And I beleive it is good stewardship of His resources to do all we can to protect and nurture our M and family. And I don't believe in coincidences....so our path is what it is. I also believe we have a role in this....that God does expect us to have faith and trust Him, but we also must pay attention and choose wisely in the present.

So the $600 plus it will cost us for Retrovaille is a small price to pay really......

I Still also fight the feeling that this would have been easier had the A not happened.....but that is a waste of energy....too many variables to second guess our journey anyway.

I am very ready for Retrovaille....and pray it will be as beneficial as those who have been say it is.

I do get a sense from my wife that she is ready as well.....and that is a change from the time period we went to the Weekend To Remember event.....some of that effort was wasted on us because we were not in a spot to be opened to changing really.

NOTE: For those going to Weekend to Remember event.....at the end of the last day they have a "group renewing of vows"....wife and I should NOT have done it....but felt trapped. We were not ready to do this and it did not help us. So be prepared for this and ONLY do it if your heart is in it. This is the ONLY complaint I have about that weekend. I guess if you weren't wrestling with the pain of adultery....contemplating D....just arguing about who left the toilet seat up kind of communication issues...this part of the program would be a "no brainer".

I will post my impression after I have a bit to digest it....sounds like it is mentally tiring.

We expect it will take us a bit longer to get to all the follow-up sessions due to firm, already scheduled Saturday activities.


God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:18 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Good to read this post again.

Sistermilkshake....I put a lot of stock into what you say and post....even though I don't always agree with them, I do respect your posts and they resonate with me.

As far as costs go....Retrovaille is really on the lower end. I have seen 3 day courses run $3k and up....they look fantastic but we could not swing that.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I''m so glad that you went, 2B1again! I think that Blakesteele is going to go the first or second weekend in February, if memory serves me right.

Listen, as far as the financials go, donate what you can. Some people are in the position to donate a lot and do. Some can''t beyond the base price. We donated enough to fund another couple''s weekend, but we did it in two donations so that we could spread out the cost.

Morhurt, the post sessions very, very important. Can you talk to the registrar and see if they might be offered closer to where you live or, if not, if there is a CORE group in your area that you can link up with? If there is any possibility of helping you out, they will do so. We have people that drove 2.5 hrs one way to go to our post sessions, and they still drive the same distance to go to our CORE group meetings, which are monthly meetings that are available. They have closer CORE groups to them, but they really bonded with our group and I love seeing them!

Also, remember. Anyone who has done a weekend. You can go back and do the weekend again with no problem if you feel like you need to. You can attend any or all post sessions free of charge too if you feel like you need or want to. If you don''t feel like you got everything from the sessions, or if you want a tune up, or you feel that you need to hear a certain message again, or you just plain miss a session, you can go to another one with no problems. I''ve attended other post sessions to hear a message again and to make up one that I missed and was welcomed with open arms!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Thanks Skan,
Sigh... There just don't seem to be ANY around us. :( I'll keep looking but so far it's been discouraging. From mid Oct until almost Xmas we made weekly trips of 3 hrs each way to take our daughter to her specialist... It's hard to imagine a ton more driving I guess. Though I never question it for the kids, why would I question it for us?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Good luck Blakesteele! We go the weekend of Valentine's Day.. Was a little worried that things were humming along a little too well, and then the universe kicked my butt tonight.

Mr.Bionicgal says he is excited about the weekend. . .not sure where my old husband went.

P.S. BS, you'd be shocked to know that I really don't know how much our MC charges. . .just the price for being married for us right now!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:07 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

we made weekly trips of 3 hrs each way to take our daughter to her specialist... It's hard to imagine a ton more driving I guess. Though I never question it for the kids, why would I question it for us?

Odd, isn't it Morhurt? We have a $350 expense with regards to our eldest daughter ..... Not a thought in my head about the expense . $110 for 45 minute session and I think think think about it!!!!

P.S. BS, you'd be shocked to know that I really don't know how much our MC charges. . .just the price for being married for us right now!

BUT, as bionicgal stated, this is the price to stay married . We have proven we need help to make this M work.

To be clear I would liquidate all of our assets to tend to our M.....it's just a ton of work and money......I get tired and grumpy still......guess this means I still need more training.

Weekly MC, continued engagement with my wife , retrovaille in 1 week, and some "just for fun" things thrown in there are part if that training.


Skan.......how did you know you were strong enough to help out with retrovaille?


God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Praying for you guys too Bionicgal and Mr Bionicgal .


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3752 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

It's great to see such support for this program. My wife and I are signed up for Feb 28-Mar 2. I am very excited and am looking forward to it. I can tell she is still nervous about it some.

guess this means I still need more training.

blakesteele have you read Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch? The book is about marriage and intimacy, but it helps you deal with it on a individual/self basis. I have found that it has helped me a lot. I'm reading another one of his books right now, called Intimacy and Desire... I'm about 1/2 way through it, but it has a lot of the same underlying points that Passionate Marriage has.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Good luck and praying for the best for Mr.& Mrs. blakesteele and Mr.& Mrs. bionicgal.

I can't wait to hear back from you both about the weekend!


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2013
2B1again
New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

My wife and I just returned from our first post session. This past week "Post Weekend" has been a very difficult emotional rollercoaster of a week for both of us. We both recommend scheduling the day off from work and anything else that will impede emotional recuperation the Monday after the weekend. The Retrouvaille "bubble" broke for my wife on Monday afternoon, and as we discovered today in the post session this was not an uncommon occurrence for our group. I can't stress enough how important it is do fully commit to the Retrouvaille program and the post sessions to fully benefit. Today's post session was good for us; the sharing of the other couples in the group is optional and is very minimal, but it has significant impact for the group. We are determined to give this our best effort and we have left our session feeling positive and confident that we are gaining skills to prevail. Incidentally only one couple didn't make it to our post session today on Super Bowl Sunday and we are all from the Northwest!


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

WH's IC recommended Retrouvaille for us last year and we put it off as I didn't think we were ready. In our case, it was probably a good decision.
I'm more open to it now and there is opportunity near us.
I'm curious, however, about the post sessions. The one near us has post sessions listed every weekend from now through May. Is it expected to go to all? Some? I'm so unclear.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

We are going the weekend of Feb 6th. No suggested donation. $350 down, $200 due on arrival. Fingers crossed.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I know I posted my experience this morning, but just want to add something.
I feel like what I learned and experienced in Retro changed me for the better. Even if our marriage didn't survive I believe I would be a stronger, calmer person for having gone. The skills learned can translate to many relationships.
My H and I want to share some of the concepts with our daughter who is getting engaged (and her boyfriend of course!). So, I think it's for everyone.
We felt that the money was the best investment we have made. So worth the time and effort!
So yes, it's for YOU BOTH!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 488 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

You guys are making me think I should go. LOL Hmmm...


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

There seems to be a range in costs. Orlando quotes $150 registration and then a donation. Tampa says $200 plus donation. Other places, I notice, are higher.
And I did email and got a response concerning follow up sessions. The person who answered me said that the follow up sessions in our area were held the six consecutive Sunday afternoons following the weekends, then a once a month tune ups. The six immediately after the weekend were considered as a primary part of it. The tune ups were encouraged but not mandatory.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

There's comments about it being "too soon" for some of you.

How do you know it's too soon? What are the 'too soon" signs? Or what specific issues would you say make it not optimal?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Any other Retrouvaille threads that anyone is aware of?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Too soon for us was WH still not being 100% real with himself and not realizing it. I wasn't even considering wasting the time trying to develop communication skills with someone who thought I was overreacting to him lying. He was a significant danger to my healing.
He's different now- and has had several clarity producing realizations and reality checks. He's a year further in IC and is becoming a real person. We are talking about attending now.

There are several Retrouvaille threads that I've read, but I can't remember how long ago- someone will post the links, hopefully


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Exactly the way to think about it. If your child needed you to make this drive once a week, for two months, to regain his/her health, no parent would hesitate. You just can''t hesitate to make the time for the health of your marriage either. Equally as important.

SoVerySad, the post-sessions build upon your weekend and give you a group that you can choose to participate with or just sit and listen to, while you are also doing your exercises. The post-sessions also allow you to PRACTICE the techniques you''ve learned, and to expand them. One for-instance, is on conflict resolution. We use that technique a lot because, well, it works! If you have to miss a class (we did), then you can make it up when another group is having their post-sessions.

And the once a month tune-ups are the CORE sessions. Which we go to often just hosted one here and fed everyone homemade enchiladas.

As to the cost, here it''s $200 to register and then they ask you to cover more of the actual costs at the end of the weekend. Prices will vary because pretty much all of the money goes into the hotel rooms, food, and the material copying costs. As I understand it, they don''t pay the presenting couples they do it as volunteers. So in this region, the total cost per couple is around $600. In another region it may be less. In this region, we also have a lot of people who donate more than the $600 to the program so as to help other people be funded we did. And we got a tax-donation letter for our use about a week ago. Retrouvaille is a legal charitable organization so you can make tax-deductible donations to it.

Blakesteele, it was a process, deciding that we were ready to help. I found out about my FWHs collection of hidden Porn in our house while we were in post-sessions. We ended our post-sessions without me being able to say that we definitely were going to be a married couple. I sat through a couple of these sessions like a zombie, with tears coming and going. We were through our post-sessions when I enforced our in-house separation and planned to have him served. I credit Retrouvaille with giving us the tools to try to talk to each other with feelings and with empathy as a very large, if not the most, important part of us being able to find our way back to each other. Without the tools, I do not think that we would have been able to open ourselves back up to each other at all. So, we owe it a lot. We are also Martha''s and not Mary''s. We work. We''re the couple in the background doing setup and breakdown. So being as the group is run by volunteers, we wanted to be a part of that, to say thank you and to support other couples. Hence us deciding to spend the month of both our 2-year antiversary, and the day that we celebrate as our new marriage anniversary, volunteering to help. That weekend happens to fall exactly between those two dates, which is rather neat.

And that IS the thing about Retrouvaille, if you think that it''s too soon, or that you''ll be the only person in crisis there, or that you''ll be stared at for crying. Everyone there is broken. Everyone there has been broken some are healed. Many are on different parts of the path which can lead to healing or to separation. I felt like a complete failure because we had SUCH great personal struggles during the post-sessions. But everyone has struggles you just don''t always see it. And one of the things that we were thanked for, by several members of the couples who we got to know, was that we didn''t sugarcoat it, we didn''t hide it, we were upfront about our struggles as well as our successes. And in some way, that let other struggling couples know that it was OK that they were struggling too. And some couples still are after years. And we''ll struggle too. But like SI, we now have another group that IS marriage-oriented, to help us with our struggles. I find it a really great balance.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you Skan. That information helps a lot.
The couples there will be lucky to have you.

I wish everyone who will be attending a session soon the best of weekends and communication.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 60