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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Out of home and @Hotel. The hardest was to tell my 9yo daughter
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

So I'm out of the house, just unpacked in an extended stay hotel. Real Estate agents are working overtime to get me a house so I can bring some sleeping bags in.

WW wasn't there (of course she always leaves the kids with babysitter), which was good. But the hardest thing was to tell my daughter. Without telling her why.

She's only 9. How do you tell her "because your mother fucked another man, she fell hard for him, she's unrepentant and now your daddy cannot live in the house anymore"?

So of course all I could do was cry and say that if I had a magic wand to erase everything I would, and make it the way it was. But I don't, and I can't continue living in the little room in the corner, like one of the princesses in her fairy books. It's not up to me, and I wish I could stay with her forever and ever and ever, but it is not up to me. She kept saying "but it's Christmas daddy!". It. Was. So. Sad.

We cried so much. She got into my car asking for me to take her with her. I had to take her back and give her to the babysitter. Gave her lots of hugs, lots of love.

POS WW causes this and she gets to stay with her, stay in the house, believe she won. I kept telling myself it's temporary. Karma bus will arrive, maybe I won't be there and maybe I won't want to be there, but I have to be ready with a house with room and beds for my children when it does. And if I'm there when the Karma bus hits, I'll bring popcorn.

But at least I'm out. No longer in danger of crazy, truly unstable WW accusing me of doing something, no longer beholden to her making me play house and babysitter while she goes sleep with another man. Finally somehow in control of my own destiny.

I'm going to have a really weird Christmas. I have a kitchenette, a TV and my clothes. And maybe at the end of this week I'll have an empty, rented house.

Saying goodbye to my sweet, innocent daughter is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Even harder than D-Day.

Blessings all. At least I have you to confide in.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Did I mention I am still convalescent of my operation, swollen and may be running a slight fever?

Crap when it rains it pours.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Oh, my heart breaks for you...to have to leave your little girl behind.

I will keep you and your children in my prayers. They are always the most innocent victims.

Sending hugs too.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Oh GP, I am so very sorry. I will never forget how my son cried over and over every time his father and I split (multiple Ddays) I finally couldn't put him through it anymore. I D and moved out and grieved and then moved on. I can tell you that my son is very well adjusted to our life now. Not so adjusted to time with his Dad. He goes but it is just hard on him.
Be very wary of your WW bringing OP into the homes with your children there. They say that they won't do anything like that but those unremorseful waywards have a funny way of not following good sense. If you can have a neighbor contact you only in the event of an emergency or if they see OP at the home with the kids.
Take care of yourself so you can be strong for your children.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

((( GP and DD )))

Your post made me flash back to when I had to sit my kids down and tell them that I was kicking their dad out again.
My special needs DS completely melted down. My DD, who has always been Daddy's Little Girl, stared at me with such cold hatred, that I nearly lost control myself.

It is horrible the things that we have to deal with as the BS...and we weren't given any choice in the matter. We just have to deal with the collateral damage and pick up the pieces as best we can.

Stay strong, GP. Your day will come!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
ItHappened2Me2
Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

GP

I am so sorry you had to go through that! Rest assured that your daughter will know who she can depend on in the long run. Just keep loving her. Your WW will show her colors.

PLEASE take care of yourself and let yourself heal from the surgery. You won't be any good to you or your family if you aren't healthy!

I hope you will be able to see the kids sometime over Christmas. And that the realtors find you a home quickly.


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Thanks guys. I don't think I've ever been this sad. Including dday.

IrishLass518,

I have to believe she won't. First I'm an optimist. Second, our daughter was warned about this man when WW had initially committed (or so she had said) to R, to make sure he doesn't pick her up at school.

Third, my MIL lives there and is staying, and although she will of course be on the side of her daughter for the D proceedings, let's just say that she has said that she would gladly go to prison to protect her grandkids from seeing OM. She was very colorful about it. I doubt even my WW would be stupid enough to bring him along.

GabyBaby , My special needs son was already in bed; I could hear it, peacefully laughing inside his room. I cried for him but I didn't want to go in and say goodbye. I would have disturbed him. He doesn't understand words so he would have just seen me destroyed and ended up not being able to sleep, and maybe displayed autism behaviors for a day or two.

My most innocent little boy deserves his sleep and peace more than I deserve a goodbye hug from him.

Thank you all. It's been hours and I'm still crying. Took a shower and it hasn't helped. But you have gone through this, and know what it's like, so we'll survive it.

Tomorrow I have to work. And I will likely work straight through the holidays, as this situation has wrecked havoc with my work life, and I still have deadlines (sucks to be the boss). Maybe working constantly will make my brain busy enough to forget all this for a few days. At least I won't be interrupted while everyone is celebrating Christmas.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Ariabook
Member
Member # 39669
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

((GotPlayed)) I'm so very sorry you and you're little ones have to go through this in the middle of the holidays. Lots of hugs your way!


Separated
Wants nothing to do with our daughter
No Contact

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Newwhere
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I'm so, so sorry GP ... praying for you and your kids.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

you need to tell her something though. Don't get into the gritty details, but if you don't, her imagination will be much worse, she will blame herself, etc.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Your wife is on a train going down one track.

You have just exited that train, and you are now on another train going in a Vshape from where you w is going.

If you get counseling for yourself and your children on your days you see them, she cannot stop you. This will bring your children and you both on the new train of hope, honestly, happiness. Please do this for all of you.

Please take this one day at a time.

My counselor and I told my children that we split up because their Dad got a girlfriend. We explained that this was unacceptable behavior to me, and I was divorcing him. There is no way the only voice they should hear is the voice of the WS.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2120 | Registered: Jan 2012
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

(((GotPlayed)))
Did something happen that made you move out now? I agree that WW shouldn''t be the only one to explain, she will paint it as your fault and try to turn your daughter against you. It''s a hard issue though because you don''t want to turn DD against WW either. I guess the general consensus is that they shouldn''t know about cheating, which seems unfair. See if WW will agree on a party line that doesn''t hurt either of you.

I''m so sorry this happened and hope your recovery from surgery goes well and you still spend some quality time with the kids at Xmas


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

My counselor and I told my children that we split up because their Dad got a girlfriend. We explained that this was unacceptable behavior to me, and I was divorcing him. There is no way the only voice they should hear is the voice of the WS.

I completely agree with this. You are splitting up because Mom has a boyfriend.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I've also been honest with my 6 year old. I if course took her age into account and was careful not to bash her dad, but kids need to know the truth. I gave her the initial mommy and daddy aren't able to live together anymore talk. However, she quickly figured out that dad did something. I then told her he hurt my feelings a lot. After meeting OW, she put together that dad had a girlfriend while he was married. I confirmed that he did. She then said, "you're not supposed to do that". Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

You definitely need to tell your DD something and assure her it's not her fault. I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. This is also my first Christmas since DDay and the D. I'm having a hard time with it too.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 894 | Registered: Mar 2013
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry, GP. Please remember to take care of yourself!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1923 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

(((((GotPlayed)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25332 | Registered: Aug 2011
NotFixable
Member
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

(((GP))) I am so sorry for the pain you and your DD are having to endure. The crap these POS WSs put everyone through is unforgivable! My DD is 11 and I explained exactly why STBXWH was moving out. I stuck to the facts, but I thought telling her the truth was the right thing to do to keep her from thinking it had anything to do with her or just sitting and letting her imagination take over. She handled it pretty well. Kids are resilient. We are still having a hard time, but we are there for each other and I have my friends here on SI. We are all going to survive this! Big hugs to you!!


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone for the support.

Some backstory.

When I was a kid my parents separated. My father was a WS, and my mother put up with it for a while. The night my father moved they jointly told us the truth - I was going to have a sister, and my father could no longer be in the house. My mother, wise woman that she was, clearly told us that we should understand that whatever happened, however mad everyone may get at the situation, my new sister was innocent of everything, and although my mother could never see her, we (me and my siblings) were to be kind, protective and supportive of each other, which included our new sibling.

My mother died a couple of years later, when I was still a teenager. I ended up growing my teenage years with my grandparents.

My dad's AP relationship was a nightmare, and eventually my dad and the OW split up. Some time later my dad found love in a nice but strong-willed woman I don't consider my stepmom since I was already grown-up but I get along very well with, mainly because she made him grow up by not putting up with any s***t. They have been married as long as I have and are happy together.

My sister from my dad's OW relationship is an adult now (and since I have had more siblings boys and girls from his proper final marriage), and I love my sister dearly, but I don't have a close relationship with her mostly because we move in different circles, though we get along well and I wish she'd visit me soon.

I called my family today out of country (both dad and my stepmom). We discussed the situation, as well as how my own parents' breakup was handled. And we agreed on something. First, it's possible that my daughter already knows, as they are smarter than we think (and bottom line, some of the fights and discussions have been loud enough for her to hear). Second, it's possible, even likely, that my WS, since she's unstable, will see this as a shot across the bow and permission to start using the kids against each other, and I shouldn't be seen as starting that fight. My parents handled it the way they did because they were both adults and neither of them had any FOO issues that were based on using the kids as proxies for fights (and in fact they never did use us as such during their separation), but my WS not only does have those FOO issues, she is replaying some of the worst behaviors from her FOO, and bottom line if she starts that stuff, she has more time with her to turn my daughter against me. Tightrope.

Truth comes out in the end though. At the end of the day my kids will one day understand why daddy left 2 days before Christmas, and they will be resilient and smart enough to place the responsibilities where they belong. While blaming her would be both some form of justice and cathartic for me, it can't possibly make a positive difference at this juncture, and you can't undo what's been done - there's always time to tell her.

I'm thinking that if my daughter ever asks directly later on, I will take it as as sign that she can handle it and I will tell her, then tell my WS that I did because she asked, which means she needed to know, and I won't lie to my daughter on behalf of her. I have insisted on keeping the lines of communication with my daughter open all the time, and I have told my daughter repeatedly how if something bothers us we must say it, not keep it inside so it becomes resentfulness. I have insisted, ever since we started having problems, of course, that she has all the love in the world from all her family, from her grandparents, mommy and daddy, and that she is safe, has love everywhere, and none of this is her fault. We have prayed together and I'm (WW is not) making sure she keeps in touch with her faith (she goes to a religious school) in this difficult time. The first thing I'm going to get in this new house I'm renting, even before a TV, are my kids' beds.

My daughter is a sweet kid, and very compassionate. She will handle it, I know it.

Thanks everyone. It's a little better today.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 2:02 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I think I have a soft spot for your mom. When xWH came home and said that OW was pregnant, I told him that I would support his decision to either be involved or not. I accepted from the beginning that this child was innocent of it's parents actions and if anything the child and she would be bonded by the fact that we were both collateral damage from xWH and OW's choices. I only ever got to see that child a few times. She was very sweet and I could see how much she resembled IrishLass 1. I truly loved that little girl and I miss her.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

(((GotPlayed)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Thanks IrishLass518.

I'm sure I'm biased. And it's common to lionize one's own mother after she's passed away, particularly as it happened at an early age (and in my culture the concept of one's own mother is one of tremendous reverence as it is), before teenage angst and rebellion could take a toll on that relationship.

Still, I really think that she was wise.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I agree, you carry her wisdom within you and you have the opportunity to pass that trait on to your children. I told IrishLad that it was wrong for Daddy to have a girlfriend and have a baby with her while daddy is married to mommy. He was 7 or 8 at the time. He got it. It was so hard for us to start again without xWH, it was not what we wanted,it was the choice that was best for us. We did IC and family group therapy and we are healing. You and your children will get to heal, that is the gift you can give them by ending the drama.

[This message edited by IrishLass518 at 11:48 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1754 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

I'm just catching up on SI and so sorry to read your post. Praying for you and your kids and hope you get your own place soon!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you myowndystopia,

There may be great news on that very soon. I called in a favor with a real estate agent that has gotten a lot of both commission and referrals from me over the years. I explained as little as I could of the situation. She was on vacation but pulled through and yanked not one, but two junior agents out of their vacations to show me places and rush paperwork. Slim pickings but we found one.

So I very well may spend New Years assembling Ikea furniture in my new place. :)

And I need to make sure I get a Starbucks gift card or something for them. They really came through in a true time of need.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 1:54 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

GP

Could've written that myself, minus the daughter part. Peace and strength to you today and always. It gets better. I actually like my extended stay place. Been there since November 16th. It's home now


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Topic Posts: 25