SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Learning to cope with hate
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

My WH is an asshole! I am sure that sentiment is shared throughtout this site. UGH!

We agreed 2 weeks ago to talk for 30 minutes at least twice a week where neither one was busy or the OW wasn't around. He works 10-12 hour days so that leaves the calling up to him. It never happened.

Then one day last week when I called him, she thankfully wasn't around. I asked him where she was. He said, "She only comes around when she wants money." (No shit Sherlock!)

Then I had to call him Friday night...he was drinking, she was there...I told him that "Oh, right, it's payday. That's why she is there." He said, "Well, I want someone to share my life with." I said, "I am confused....I thought that's what we have been doing for 25 years." Then he had a drunk laugh and I said I didn't want to talk to him. I hung up.

WTH??? I am so confused.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

What is the purpose of a twice-weekly talk with a remorseless man in an affair?

I'm not being snarky. I'm trying to understand what you hope to accomplish with this (and gently point out that you will not be able to).

Spare yourself additional pain. NC except as absolutely necessary.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8307 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

We need to talk about finances. I refuse to do that when she is around, or when he is drinking.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Y'all need to talk two times a week about finances? I'm calling bullshit. I'm sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Yes, we do. I am stuck at the moment and need him to send money sometimes for extra things. I don't care if you call bullshit! You do not know me and my circumstances!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

So much for support! I guess I am done with this website!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

The more contact you have with him, the more the hate will fester. It's okay to be angry, but you need to stop hurting yourself, on top of him hurting you. And the hate only hurts you, especially in the long run.

If you need to discuss finances, send an email. Keep it short and to the point. Do not engage him in conversation about OW. She should be a non-entity as far as your concerned.

I know it's really hard. I know you've got questions that you deserve answers to. I know this whole situation sucks worse than most anything else in life.

Vent about it here instead. We'll understand. I promise.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12122 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Gajit, I read your story. Am I right in thinking that you are in the process of divorcing? So you are discussing temporary support?

Or are you actually divorced.

People do want to help you with these problems - and they also want to help you avoid more pain. Maybe there are other ways of communicating with him?

Can you tell us a bit more about your situation.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

No, I don't know you. I do know that trying to set up a twice-weekly phone call to discuss finances with a drunk you are divorcing, and you can only talk when the whore isn't around, is an exercise in masochism. You are setting yourself up for failure and pain. You're trying to control this situation, but you cannot. This situation is out of your control, just as he is out of your control.

Hate me if you want. But you need clarity. Maybe your anger & hatred will help you find it. I've been supportive of you all along.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Has a divorce been filed? By which party? Is there an order for temporary support (child and/or spousal)?

If not, this should be what you do right now. Seriously.

There are very few situations where a couple "needs"to talk for 30 minutes twice weekly about finances. Maybe yours is one of them, but likely not.

Look at it from his standpoint: he gets to while away the time with you while his Twinkie isn't there. He gets to use money to control you (which is why he wants to engage you vs. you getting a court order which takes discussion off the table).

What is in it for you? Seriously, what are YOU getting out of this other than anger and frustration?

Hire an attorney, file and get temp orders. This will eliminate the "need" for this interaction.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29539 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Gently, I have to agree with the others. I think you are still looking for a connection to him, a window into his life under the guise of needing to discuss finances. Trust me, I get it. I felt that way in the beginning too. I just wanted that connection, his attention, any way I could get it. All I did was allow him to hurt me over and over again as flaunted his A at me. It was extremely unhealthy for me and it is for you too.

You need to go strict NC. I understand if you need to discuss finances, but you need to do that over email it text. Not only for your emotional well being, but for your own legal protection. Financial discussions need to be documented.

Nobody is trying to attack you here. We have all just been dealing with this bullshit long enough to know that speaking to him is going to do nothing but set you back in your healing. He is dead to you now. You need to grieve the loss and start moving forward.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 8:18 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 808 | Registered: Mar 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

So much for support

What type of support are you looking for?

There is not one of us down here in D/S that is going to tell you that it is a good idea to spend an hour of your week *begging* your WH for money.....especially when that *time* has to be finessed around his schedule with work or OW.

This situation, as described, equals absolute emotional destruction for you and we just want to see you get yourself away from the craziness.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

This is a perfect example of why down here in the dungeon of S/D we constantly say NC-NC-NC.

There is truly no scenario that I have ever seen on here, or heard of IRL, where you'd need to speak on the phone to your STBX about finances twice weekly. None.

Your anger is misdirected here. You need to channel that towards your STBX wayward. He is eating cake in a grand fashion and you are allowing it.

File for divorce. Get temp orders- then you won't need to torture yourself with those unproductive phone calls begging for money.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, November 18th (Monday)

I agree no contact at all. Sorry. Get court ordered money and let him feel the karma.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 603 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Gajit...

I'm not sure what has you so angry, but members took the time to reply to you and give you feedback based on what you provided.

It would be unfortunate for you to walk away from some really good support.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196283 | Registered: May 2002
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 18th (Monday)

NatureGirl...

While it is your opinion, your message to anyone, especially a newbie could be delivered in a far more gentle way.

Please keep in mind that people are hurting and confused and being told "bullshit" isn't really helpful.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:27 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196283 | Registered: May 2002
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 18th (Monday)

You're right, and I apologize.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 17