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User Topic: She cheated : 4 questions
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 10th (Sunday)


Sorry for the long story, but I think it could help some people to answer me.

***Beginning of my story***

On November 2012, my wife just got back to work after taking care of our kids. For 2 months, she was acting strange, wandering around the house. One night, just after we made love, she said that she was sad because she never made love with anyone else (We met each other when we were young), she was ugly, all that kind of stuff. She said cruel things to me, which led me to ask her to see an IC and also an MC. She said it was for the weak, and did nothing. At the same time, our little girl had to go to the hospital. Shortly after Christmas, her mood got back to normal. One month later however, she did not felt sad, but really distant.

I had strong suspicion something was going on, but did not want to spy on her at that time. I told myself that I would betray her if she wasn't cheating on me. Then it stopped, and I learned the truth 6 months later (September 2013). She left her Hotmail account open, and I saw a tremendous amount of e-mails from one of her co-worker.

She said she did not want to tell me because she knew it would hurt me, and said that she already started IC to understand what made her do this. She said that it went on for end of January to the beginning of March, and went 4 times to his apartment. First time they just kissed, and she wasn't expecting that. Second time they had sex 2 times, and the last time she went she said she finally realized what she did. Every time they did it, she had no intention of doing it, but couldn't say no. The last time they did it is the saddest of them for me. She said "yes" to him only because she didn't want him to be sad. I told her this was sick, it was her coworker, she didn't want him sad, but didn't care about her husband and kids? That's totally messed up for me.

She asked him that they had to stop, it was a mistake, but he eventually continue to contact her. She had to ask him another time, then he almost stopped, and when I discovered the truth, he stopped everything. By herself, she sent him an e-mail telling him again to stop contact, she made a mistake and was trying to understand what happened. I was on that e-mail too, so it was clear for him that I was aware. Then I called him. I told him that he had to back off as we had 3 kids (6, 4 and 2 years old) and that my wife had to rebuild herself, and I didn't gave him the time to answer me as I just hung the phone. He stopped making contact after that. It is disgusting me, they had been doing it while they were supposed to be at work.

My wife is still saying that she would have kept it secret. She's saying that it is doing no good that I know it, that it is only hurting me, and that she had started to change her life so it would never happen again. But I think that at some point they would have do it again. They were still seeing each other at work, she even bought the kids at work so he would meet him. She was giving him my books and movies so he could read/watch them. The day I discovered it, she was asking me how she could work with him again after their boss made a reorganization. It appears to me that she had "compartments" in her head. Work was work, family was family, and the A was the A. While one thing was going on, she wasn't thinking about the others. It is turning out there was no love in this, and it was purely mechanical. There was no passion as they were also talking about their job before and after they did it, and except one or two emails they were sending mails about their jobs too.

I cannot talk to any of my friends, we have the same circle of friends and if I want to give her a chance, our friends can't know. I find it so hard when we are with our friends, they see her as a great mother, a good wife, if they only knew... When it happens, it is draining all my energy. Last saturday, we had over 20 friends at our house, and when the last one left, I just felt on the floor. I find it hard to look happy when it's not the case, and I find it hard that I know the truth and everyone find her so nice... When I think that Christmas is coming, I fear that I will have a hard time. My therapist said that maybe I should consider that we won't go anywhere together to make sure I can go through that.

I also have anxiety, especially on Monday. As they did this on lunch time, at his place, I am something freaking out around noon, even if I know it stopped months ago. As time is going over, I feel less and less anxious. She is sending me emails 2-3 times per day, and always calling me around noon and 13h00 so I can know she's not away from work. Since D-Day, she had been writing me a letter each day, writing about her feelings, how she was sorry, how this was a mistake, telling me the next steps of what she wanted to do towards R. Every now and then, I find hidden "love you letters" saying she's thinking of me. Each morning, she's also showing me a picture that really mean something to her (Our first Christmas, our trip to Europe, birth of our kids, etc.)

She's going through a hard time on IC, and the therapist said that she had to understand why she did that in order to rebuild herself. Right now, it appears that she did that because of a lack of self esteem which is going back from her childhood. She's trying really hard to rebuild our relationship, herself and she feels deeply sorry. Her IC said that what she did is so against her values, she probably erased things in her head. I tend to believe this as she can say very precise things about what she did (Precise day, what she was wearing, what they said, etc.), but do not remember others (She doesn't remember the cruel things she said one year ago, only a vague souvenir). She's crying a lot, and something I think that she is considering suicide.

I said to her that I was considering R, but she had to be truly committed to this in order .

***End of story***

First question : I think it would help me to talk to one of my friends, but considering that we have mutual friends, would it help me, but mess our R?

Second question : Did any of you had a hard time going through Christmas time? Sometimes I think we should lock ourselves with the kids, or just go away.

Third questions : Sometimes, I think that I should call the OP one last time, only to warn him that if he ever make another contact, HR would know and that it would break his career. What do you think?

Fourth questions : My wife says that she doesn't think about suicide, but suddenly she feels that there are many ways to die. She said that she won't talk to her IC about this. What should I do?


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Greengiant,
It is slow on the weekends here. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

First question : I think it would help me to talk to one of my friends, but considering that we have mutual friends, would it help me, but mess our R?

Just remember is you talk to someone they cannot "unknow" what you tell them. Make sure it is someone that you can truly confide in, they will not tell others and that they will be able to accept her if you decide to R. It is difficult to bring others in, but is can be done successfully.

Second question : Did any of you had a hard time going through Christmas time? Sometimes I think we should lock ourselves with the kids, or just go away. Christmas was very hard...he made a big production about going to shop for my gift...told everyone...then took her to the hotel later that morning...Christmas was and still is painful. Do what ever you feel comfortable with. If you do not feel like doing to parties, don't. Remember your kids do not understand. Try to keep some traditions for them.

Third questions : Sometimes, I think that I should call the OP one last time, only to warn him that if he ever make another contact, HR would know and that it would break his career. What do you think?

DO not contact the OP. If he is married, make sure his wife knows. Is your wife changing jobs an option? What is the consequence to your wife if HR is contacted. Make sure you are ready for that aspect.

Fourth questions : My wife says that she doesn't think about suicide, but suddenly she feels that there are many ways to die. She said that she won't talk to her IC about this. What should I do?

Personally, I thought about it and still think about dying because of the A. As did my WH. I believe it is thoughts to escape the pain and believe for some it is normal. The key is if you believe she might act on it. Is she demonstrating behaviors that are characteristic of planned suicide? You could also insist that she talks to the IC as part of her treatment or you can share that with her. Not everyone lays out their plan's so it is wise to be aware and vigilent. If you are afraid an attempt is imminent you can also contact a suicide hot line or notify the police.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hello. Sorry you are here.
1. I wouldn't tell any of your friends if you want it kept a secret. If you don't care if it gets out then you can speak with your friends. You might want to go into IC yourself.

2. The holidays were hard for me. I think getting g out of your old traditions is a splendid idea!

3. I don't think you shod contact him. NC means NC, even for you.

4. I would take what your wife says about dying very seriously. If she mentions anything to do with suicide you need to get her admitted.

It seems like you are both doing well considering the circumstances!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hard as it is to resist, do nothing related to the pig OM. Remember as sick as he is for his behavior you have to remember he didnt make the commitment to you, she did. She sought it out, wanted it, and took action. Could have been anyone. I would contact his wife one time only, tell her you have concrete evidence and your wifes admission...if she asks for evidence give it to her, then never contact them again.

Tell your wife she must get another job. Period. If she is depressed, keep in mind she did do this to herself. Part of the issue has to be some give by her. So if she doesnt want to leave the job, how serious is she about R? You must draw boundaries...reconciliation also has to mean redefining that relationship permanently.

As for holidays, yep they are rough, but keep in mind they are just days. Only days. The significance is what you make them out to be. It is actually harder because you face your pain in the person of your wife daily. So understand your triggers and tell her why you are sad and hurt. But do not be a victim, just tell her why.
Keep in mind her lack of regard for you, your kids, and your relationship had nothing to do with you. It was her choice. It is also your choice to R or not, so since you are trying, you will have to stop yourself short of being too harsh. She is obviously full of issues, what most people who do the hard work of reconciling and are waywards will tell you is they have a ton of problems. Do not, however confuse that with taking responsibility, the wayward will blow it off as the affair is a result of x or y or z problem within me. That cheapens the hurt they have caused, and it becomes an excuse for future affairs.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hi

Sorry you are here.

My response is similar to the others.

1. If you need to talk to someone, choice that person carefully. They cannot unknow and if you do R with your wife will that affect your relationship. One thing I hated about the A was the affair started to define my relationship with other people. I didn't want that to happen. An alternative is to read & write here. I always found that helpful.

2. For me Christmas was hard because the AP was still in the picture, divorce was on the cards and so it would have been our last Christmas together as a family. If there is NC, just try and treasure the moments you have together as a family this Christmas. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Make the kids the centre of Christmas.

3. I wouldn't contact the OP. Don't give them an opportunity to engage in your life

4. This is only a problem if you believe some one is going to act on this. In which case seek professional advice


Posts: 155 | Registered: Mar 2007
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

@brkn_heartd
@Deanna
@GotMyLifeBck2013
@Snowy

First, reading you is helping me, thank you. it helps talking to people who lived similar situations, I often feel that I'm alone, but it's not the case anymore.

I think you're right, if I tell a friend, it may not help our R. I have an IC myself, she's helping me putting words on what I'm living. I have always been the one my friends will talk to whenever they had problems, I always knew what to say. But now, I'm so broken the same thoughts are always going over and over in my head... I think I'll stick with my IC. There's also one coworker that know my story, she don't know my wife, and this is helping me. I think I'll just try to hang around with my friends, to change my mind for a minute. I'll continue posting here also, it helps.

It helps knowing that it is normal having fear when thinking about Christmas. With the words you're saying, I think we should already plan not going out too much as it will be too hard for me. I think I will think of the kids first. As you said, they don't deserve what is happening and should have a happy Christmas. If their dad is devastated, they will see it.

I also understand I shouldn't contact the OM. It will show him that we are still thinking about him. He met my kids, I'm pretty sure he was thinking about taking my place. My wife keeps telling me that she did not want to replace me, but I'm pretty sure that the OM was thinking about it. I won't contact him, I'll try to tell me that I am better than him.

I don't think she will commit suicide in a short period. She said that she didn't want to talk about this with her IC, but I'll try to convince her. It was her not talking about her emotions that got her into her A, I think she should have learned the hard way that it is not good keeping everything inside. I hope she'll talk.

@ Deanna
Thank you about saying that we're doing well, considering the circumstances. It gives me hope that one day it will get better.

@ GotMyLifeBck2013
I smiled when I read "pig OM". Didn't knew we could use such words, but now that you said it, yes, I think he is a pig, and even worse. He got into my life. I know my wife made the decision to see him, but hey, he's still a pig! And I also believed it could have been anyone, as you said. I also told her to change her job. She's currently looking, but at her last meeting with the IC, the IC told her she should "pause". As her world is falling apart (Big lack of self esteem after what she did, fear of losing me, the house, the kids, her friends), her IC thinks that if she change her jobs, everything may fall, even our R. I don't know what to do with this... I think I will double check with my IC to see what she thinks about that. If everyone else has thoughts about that, I'll consider what you'll say.

As for feeling responsible for the A, it is not the case. I know I've always been a loving husband, and a good father. I've always helped for the house chores, sent her flowers, called her to say I loved her... She told me there's nothing I could have done that would have prevented her of not doing this. When he asked her to go at his place, she put herself on "automatic", not thinking about anything else...

Once again, thank to all of you!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

So this isnt her IC. You tell her you will gladly go to her counseling session with her and make it clear what your expectations are. It is a job. Not her world, not her family. You are betrayed and do not believe your spouse working with this man is safe. Then tell your wife R will fall apart if she continues t not respect your wishes. It is a must. Start clarifying what is and is not a dealbreaker for her. And the compartmentalizing thing is bull. Tell her she needs to tell her IC that this compartmentalizing is an excuse not to own her problems. If an IC really told a wayward to keep working with an affair partner, then i would insist on her getting a new counselor. That one is awful, but my gut says you WW is lying or stretching this a bit. No one tells a cheater to stay working with the OM.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hi. Welcome and I'm sorry you are here.

To answer your questions:

1. I think it will be very beneficial to you to have some support from friends as you will most definitely be riding a roller coaster. You might not feel it yet but once the shock wears off the anger, disbelief, and the pain hit. I told my friends, heck I told a lot of people.. I was very angry anyways..... My friends were very supportive and helpful. I had a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk it out with. I would be very careful of discussing your marriage with your female coworker. Even though you might have strong boundaries it is never a good idea to talk too much about marital issues with the opposite sex... That's how the slippery slope of an A happens.

Just think carefully about who you tell and if they are trustworthy. Some people who have never experienced infidelity can do more damage than help. If they say you need to get over it or it wasn't a big deal... Run! They are not helpful.

2. Yes and no. When my exwh cheated, it was with a married coworker. Every holiday was hard because it was so hard to do anything. I couldn't think, plan, or act like I was okay. I had false R (that's reconciliation) for over 8 months and we ended up separating around October. So Christmas that year was the first time not being "whole" was very apparent to me. I still struggle with depression and PTSD from the A so some situations like big crowds get me anxious. I can't tell you what it was like at Christmas as a couple because we didn't last that long. I cried a lot! I even left the cabin my family was renting and went back to the house by myself. I couldn't be around anyone... And that's okay. Only do what YOU are comfortable with. Don't try to do more than you can tolerate. Be honest with yourself and your wife.

3. While the guy is a piece of shit not worthy to be in your presence I would leave it alone. You have already told him to stay away and it sounds like he has. If you feel the need to say something about him or to him write it here instead. No contact is for both of you. I admit that I contacted the whore several times and I probably shouldn't have. I think it encouraged her to try to "win" and it just gave exwh and COW excuses to talk... After all I was "harassing" her. By the way in this forum you can call him all the dirty names you want... It really feels good to let some of the anger out in name calling. I developed a real big potty mouth after DDay.

4. I think it's great that your wife felt safe in sharing it with you. I too have thought of ways to die. I'm not suicidal but I'm severely depressed. If she's afraid the IC will have her committed .. they won't. I have told my IC my suicidal thoughts and I'm still free! I think it is something to take very seriously.

This is slightly different but it seems to fit.... After the birth of my first child, I thought of the different ways he could die. I felt that I wasn't going to try to kill him those way but I was afraid of the harm to him. When I finally told my doctor she explained that I was suffering from a post particular depression, which can be very serious. So what I'm trying to say is that even though it sounds harmless, this is a cry for help. She might need some ADs or something else.

I want to point out that your WW is doing a lot of work on herself and that is huge! A lot of waywards don't do that much work so quickly. There is a great chance of R succeeding


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2012
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, November 11th (Monday)

I see lots of other people have answered your specific questions. I just want to say it sounds like your wife is full of remorse, and for what it's worth I get the feeling that you two have a very good chance of working this out if you both carry on the way you are.

You're already doing a good thing seeing an IC. I would be very wary of talking to a friend who is a mutual friend of your wife or all your other friends, in case they let it slip to someone else. It could do more harm than good. I'd try and talk to the IC more if you can.

With Christmas, I'm wondering whether you should think about doing something completely different, even if it's just a distraction.

Definitely do not call the OM. Try and wipe him from your mind if you can. But if she can, she really should be thinking about getting a job elsewhere.

I really hope you guys can work this out.

Red


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 181 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

*** Update ***

I am seeing one of my friend next week. I don't think I will tell him what happened as it is one of our common friends, but for sure I'll ask him to go out and change my mind.

We saw our MC last Monday. I told her about my wife's dark thoughts, and she was really concerned. She gave her her personal number in case of need, and told her she HAD to talk to her IC about that. She's seeing her IC tonight, I hope she'll talk.

Also, my wife have 2 sisters and one brother. She talked to them, and turns out that one of her sister has cheated many, many time, and is going through therapy right now. And her brother is an alcoholic, and also doing therapy... As for her other sister, she said nothing... Hell this is hard, I thought they were an happy family, but turns out they are all a mess...

@ GotMyLifeBck2013
I went over her job again yesterday, telling her how uncomfortable I was that she was still at the same job. She said again that he is not in the same building anymore, she asked her boss never to work with his department again, which they did since D-Day. She also said that she will think again about changing her job. She also said that I could come see her anytime without notice if it would make me comfortable. She keeps e-mailing and calling me throughout the day, but you're right, it is hard for me and I told her that she had to change her job at some point.

@ courageous
Thank you for your words. Sometime I think I'm heading toward a depression myself, this is why I'm seeking for help.
As for talking with my female coworker, I'm not worried, she has a daughter of my age and she's the age of my mother. I see her as the mother I never had. She also went through infidelity when she was my age, and she's telling me that time will heal...
I'm also seeing that she's doing a lot of effort in order to fix things, but right now I don't know how to feel about this. I think I'm still at the stage where I'm seeing devastation, and not the effort she's doing. I was starting to see this last week, but I had a big trigger on friday and went back...


@ courageous and callmered1
Thank you again for your kind words, it gives me hope that when I'll move to the next phase, we'll be able to start R.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I found that holding the secret was very difficult for me as well. It is not fair to be put in this position as it is not your secret and carrying around the burden troubled me greatly as well. I ended up having to tell a few people and it was very comforting to get it out and hear their words of encouragement. Remember it is not your secret and not of your doing so it should not be your burden to bear. Also, I am a little different in my thoughts about the OM. Maybe I view it a little differently that many others do but my opinion is that this man knowingly entered into an A with a married woman and knew that he could potentially harm or destroy another family. I am a firm believer that actions have consequences. He created much pain for you and is basically getting off with no consequences for his actions. I would definitely let all his family know what he did and expose this full bore on his side. I would not hesitate to contact his workplace and let them know either. If he loses his job, then that is his problem and he is responsible for that not you. Again, actions have consequences. Personally, I would wage a campaign of sorts against him which would only be based on the truth and facts about his inappropriate behavior. He deserves to be held accountable. Just my opinion...

Posts: 162 | Registered: Oct 2013
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Thank you Gman1.
At one point, I was just about calling the boss of the OM, and was thinking about breaking everything at his job. I almost did it. Then I thought that I would break everything at his job for him, but it would do the same to my WF at the same time... If I want her to change her job, she have to get good references at her job so they will pick her at the new place. But oh god I'd like to destroy the job of the OM pig!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Thank you all, you're helping me a lot.
With what I read on the forum, I told my wife that she should get STD test, and she got those full test this morning. She said that she was sure she had nothing, but would go through this in order to make sure she's ok, and in order to minimize my anxiety.

If you're ok with it, I'd like to have your opinion. I'm thinking about telling my wife what I need in order for us to head through R. Do you think it's a good idea, or I should let her find this by herself? What I'd like to ask her are the following :

- She should never, ever have contact with the OM again. If she ever had to talk to him, whatever the reason it would be, she should tell mi immediately.
- If she can't change her job now, she will have to change her job soon in order to make me more secure.
- Never, ever lie to me again
- Go through everything with her IC, and continue her meetings even if it would mean having regular session for the rest of her life.
- Make a timeline of what happened. She said that she told me everything, the problem is that I had to ask a lot of questions to know everything. I want her to tell everything by herself. It will be hard to hear that again, but after that I think I'll be able to move forward a little bit.
- Never ever take me for granted, and give me the place I should always had
- Keep communicating
- Telling me why she chose to stay with me, and why she loves me

What do you think? Do you think it could help, or should I let her time so she finds that by herself?


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Access to all accounts, full transparency, no minimizing, no blame shifting. Also set a deadline for changing her job. For me it'd be yesterday.

ETA: no TT. Full disclosure.

[This message edited by nuance at 10:57 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1186 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Be prepared for the answers. They will likely cause a lot of pain. I think it's a good list with the additions from nuance.

BUT....what are the consequences for non-compliance? What are you prepared to do when(not if) she fails to meet your list? I say when because some things on your list would be difficult for anyone to meet. For example: never ever taking you for granted. What if she does? At least in your eyes? She may think a specific action wasn't taking you for granted, but you feel otherwise? What would you do?

Just be careful of drawing lines in the sand that you need to change later.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Yes agree, might be better to say that you want the 100% truth and then you will decide what YOU will do. Otherwise you may have to go back on some of these and that will dilute you.

NC and full disclosure, THEN you'll decide what's best for your life.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 388 | Registered: Nov 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, November 15th (Friday)

As brutal as all of this is, know that you are heading in the right direction.

The biggest thing for you to understand at this point, is that recovering from infidelity is a process, and can't be circumvented. You have to go through all the emotions.

Your wife is apparently doing the work on herself, so that puts you ahead of many, many members here. I'm sure that it doesn't make you feel great inside, but believe me---it is huge that she is doing this.

If I was to pinpoint a couple of areas of concern regarding your WW, it would be this:

My wife is still saying that she would have kept it secret. She's saying that it is doing no good that I know it, that it is only hurting me, and that she had started to change her life so it would never happen again.

That lacks empathy, which is a key element of remorse. She unilaterally is deciding what is best for you...when in reality, she is feeling this way to avoid the consequences of her actions, and:

I went over her job again yesterday, telling her how uncomfortable I was that she was still at the same job. She said again that he is not in the same building anymore, she asked her boss never to work with his department again, which they did since D-Day. She also said that she will think again about changing her job.

Again, she is not recognizing your pain. Not to take away from her progress, just some focal points for her to work on.

As for your list, there is nothing wrong, in my opinion, for you to state your non-negotiables...particularly the ones centered around the affair. I agree with 5454 that the taking for granted, communication, etc., type of demands are not black and white, and are topics in a normal marriage. But there is nothing wrong with not only stating, but demanding, things such as no contact(or notification if she was contacted), timeline, job change....all the items that were uninvitingly brought into your marriage by her. If these are bare minimums that you need, then so be it. It is devastating that we even have to address things like this in our marriage, but yet here we are--trying to pick up the shattered pieces around what was once our happy lives. Don't be afraid to ask for these things.

I am sure that I missed it, but it seems like the OM is single. Is this true?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1996 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Job change is absolutely paramount! There is no way in my experience and opinion that attempted R can happen if she keeps that job, and it pisses you off/feels threatening EVERY DAY... NONE! Yeah, I know some folks say they can do it, but feeling secure with the situation is critical, and her not very willingly and actively looking for other work is a big red flag to me.

She willingly fucked up her job situation, and if she truly wants to be married to you, and *attempt* R, she quits... With no guarantees that D might not also happen too.

Good luck GG!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 620 | Registered: Sep 2012
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, November 15th (Friday)

Adding to jb's point - not only does it lack empathy, it's simply not true.

"Doing the deed" is what hurt you.
"Not telling you about it" also hurts, because it means she was 'ok' with you living a lie.

If pig is married, or even in a relationship, his wife or SO needs to know. Chances are, they're living a lie right now too, and you know how much that hurts.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, November 15th (Friday)

You have to ask yourself why did your wife have this affair and why does she say hurtful things to you; was going to keep the affair a secret; unwilling to change her job, lack of empathy etc.
The short answer a total lack of respect for you. You don't turn her on anymore; takes you for granted, old reliable boring husband.

Thats what you need to change. Your wife will have a tendency to rugsweep and you will end up just where you were before the affair started. She began the affair for excitement and spicy sex not lack of self-esteem and the driving force behind the cheating was her not respecting and valuing you.

Stop being so loving and available. A model husband so considerate, romantic and thoughtful. Didn't get you anywhere did it? Try being a bit selfish and put your own needs first; concentrate on your kids and your career, and start protecting yourself from your WW's lack of regard and open disrespect for you.

If you go back to the same marriage you had before, where she was your world, then nothing will change except wifey will be more careful next time.

I also noticed that you WW said it was sad she had never made love to any other man. Well, she then cold-bloodily went out and realized that ambition; now she is not exclusively yours anymore. How utterly romantic. How can you tolerate such contempt.

[This message edited by OK now at 7:36 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


Posts: 1691 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 15th (Friday)

My wife is still saying that she would have kept it secret. She's saying that it is doing no good that I know it, that it is only hurting me

What a load of BS. The truth is she doesn't want you to go out and do the same thing to her. Right now I presume she is the only woman you have had sex with? [We met each other when we were young] and she doesn't want that to change. If you had remained in ignorance about her cheating, then from her perspective you would remain faithful to her. Now she has to worry about revenge affairs; as I said from her disloyal, selfish perspective; not a reflection of your character.

She has no concern about the pain you are in. Just wants this mess to go away and be conveniently forgotten. Don't let this happen.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
gutpunch33
New Member
Member # 36484
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 15th (Friday)

GreenGiant, My wife was actually very suicidal on the DDay. She was a danger to herself and had to be hospitalized for 3 days to ensure her safety. Please take her threats of suicide very serious and compel her to get the help she needs. Have a mental health care professional evaluate her asap!

As for where to go from here, listen and value all the help you are getting from the great people on SI. For me, I spent weeks reeling from the discovery and was not capable of making good decisions on my own. The natural tendency for me was to apologize for my part in our marriage not being as great as it could have been and wanting to take ownership for her cheating.

The most valuable lesson I learned early on here was that I was 0% responsible for her affair. She owned that 100%.

Don't rush in to any major decisions until you are thinking more clearly. BUT, it is very, very important that you begin compiling a list of what would be "deal killers" for me. A list of absolutely necessary things that my wife had to do in order for me to stay with her and work towards Reconciliation. IF she is/was not willing to comply with 100% of your requirements, then there is absolutely zero reason for you to work through all the agony and pain with her.

Truthfully, Divorce in my situation would have been so much easier and less painful. R has been a such a painful process with lots of heartaches. R is not for the weak!

Be strong, don't let her dictate SHIT and know that for R to happen, she has to own EVERYTHING. Anything less will fail and cause so much more futile pain for you.

Also, check out the Betrayed Men forum in I Can Relate. Not that you will get bad advice from anyone on SI, but there is something to be said for knowing you are not the only DUDE to go through this.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2012
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Again, thank you everyone.
First, I'll start with the facts. The OM is single, no girlfriend, no wife. Otherwise, she would know what happened, I would never keep that type of secret. Actually, I'm pretty sure he was in love with my WW. My WW say that after the first time they did it, he said to her how he loved her, and kept saying that he was happy they were "together". It makes me sick. I keep asking her if she had feelings for him, and she says that it was not the case. She felt good that someone paid attention to her...

I also have all her access to accounts, e-mail, etc. She is preparing a timeline, she say it will be hard, but realize that I do not thrust her anymore and think that she's hiding me something. We are going through the timeline thing soon.

After reading your thoughts, I think I'll tell her some deal breakers, as for the other things, I'll just tell her that those are important for me. Like "Not taking me for granted : Important", "Lying to me again or not respecting the NC : Deal breaker." I won't tell her anything unless my mind is clear. Also, she's looking for a job, but there is no deadline as for now. We'll talk about a deadline and some solutions. I know that it will be hard for her, but I realize that it is really, really hard for me knowing they could work together again. I had an anxiety crisis yesterday, and another this morning. She will have to change her job, she had to think about this before doing it.

@ jb3199 and jjct
You're right about the two points. My IC also told me about those two points. I had a discussion with my WW yesterday. I told her that I appreciate that she's telling me the truth, but that by saying it should have been secret, she was protecting herself more than me. She took
1 minute to think, and said that I was partially right, she wanted to protect both of us. She strongly believe that she was taking actions by seeing an IC, and that she already told the OM that they shouldn't talk to each other except on the job, and that it is right as she only see him as a COW. I have a lot of trouble with this. Yes, she ended the A several months ago. Yes, she was seeing an IC. But she kept it secret, and she still had contact with him. I told her that she can't see him as a COW, they had an A together and he's still in love with her. I told her that she had made some progress, but I had a big problem with the fact that she was still thinking about telling me lies so she would not hurt me, and about the fact that she thought that it would be ok to work with him again. I told her straight that we couldn't move toward R if she kept her position. I think that infidelity is almost as bad as the lying, so my position is that she's only working on half of the problem.

@ OK Now
Yes, she's the only woman I ever made love with. I told her that it was hurting me. I told her how she would react if I did the same thing, have an
RA, have a threesome, etc. She said that it would hurt her, but that she thought that if it would make me better, I could do it so we could be better persons and have a stronger marriage. I find this weird, and sometimes think that she's saying that because she's ready to go through anything in order for us to start R, sometimes I think that she's saying that because we would be "even", so she wouldn't be so bad.

Again, thank you all!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

She said it would be ok for you to have extramarital sex - 3somes whatever - so she could be EVEN, and deflect the blame and responsibility away from her.

She is an uber- blameshifter and gaslighter.

She strongly believe that she was taking actions by seeing an IC

Ahh... so it's ok to cheat, just as long as you go to IC to find out why? (she's trying to purchase a pass here)
You know, in my book "taking actions" involve snot blubbering stuff.
On the floor stuff.
Lemme ask you, what would you NOT do if you cheated and wanted to be with your wife?


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

"Lying to me again : Deal breaker."

Careful with *this* because it's a *tricky* one.
Maybe be more specific and remove it from *deal breaker* status. Drop it down to a "if you lie to me again, there will be consequences up to and including <xyz>."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ming56
Member
Member # 19505
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 17th (Sunday)

Can strongly relate to your story. I found out with certainty that my wife was having an EA on Christmas eve six years ago. I was surpised how violent my reaction was- hyperventillating and later having to leave midnight mass due to feeling faint. The feeling of carrying the burden of investigating further for the next six months and having no one to talk to about my struggles caused me much resentment that it took a couple of years and a lot of concerted effort in making a "living amends" to me by my wife to overcome. My wife was also suicidal both before and after discovery of the affair. She asked me to keep her pills and dole them out for awhile. (she has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and was and is in AA) From all you write it sounds like your wife is really trying to overcome her problems. It is hard to carry the burden and not place blame, but viewing it from the other side of the experience, while not negating how unfair it is for you to have to deal with all of this and without much or any support, I know that for the betrayer it is a long and not linear path to good health. My wife struggled immensely with providing me with a time line and trickle truthed for all she was worth for the entire six months it took for me to gather all the evidence through my own sleuthing. Even today five years removed from any contact with her co-partner in slime and almost four years since she really got it through the invaluable help of a great therapist, she cannot talk about it in anything other than general terms unless I were to press the issue because it causes her to feel the shame that caused her actions in the first place. We as bs have only one advantage in this miserable scenario- we can grant forgiveness or we can walk. If you choose the former that includes as your partner starts to heal to heal yourself and as you do you are able to let go of some of the pain and resentments and desire for revenge and to see their side of the issue without so much baggage being attached. Of course this is only if your spouse is remorseful and doing everything they can to fix the problems they created. The fog is thick and dense and particularly when associated with past trauma in their lives they have never really dealt with, so the road is going to be bumpy. Nobody can blame a betrayed spouse for feeling it is too much to endure, but if you find it is worth the effort it will require much of you. Sounds like you have insisted on accountability and your right to verify if you feel concerned, both very important for you to heal. Oddly enough while in the fog my wife fought any "intrusions" into her privacy and was resentful at times of my wrecking her fanatasy, but after recovery she pointed out that she needed me to insist on boundaries, that those consequences forced her to abandon her fantasy world where the other guy's interest flattered and excited her into an alternate reality. Just as oddly, I used to worry about revealing what I knew, avoiding approaching delicate subjects and pushing her too hard even as she was breaking our vows to each other. In hindsight it amazes me how much rope I gave her to hang herself. We get altered by the experience as well, and in my case I became super sleuth more and more with each bit of info I dug up. Were it to hapoen again I would not play that game. Honesty always works best for me, and I would call a spade a spade as discovered and reveal and insist on immediate changes or behavior or walk. It is dicey territory, but in my mind it is always the right policy to be honest and to insist on being respected and treated properly while according them the same when they earn it through their actions and efforts. Off my soapbox now. This is a life altering experience that we never asked to have to endure, but the silver lining is that you will unwillingly learn much about yourself and become a stronger person for the experience. I wish you strength and wisdom in forging your way down this difficult path.

Posts: 305 | Registered: May 2008 | From: east coast
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Latest update. Long ago, before i Know she had an A with her COW, we planned a weekend outside the city with our kids. We took the decision not to cancel this weekend, for the kids. It was a great idea.
I had a panic and anxiety crisis while we were at the restaurant, but otherwise, I had a lot of fun with the kids, and... my wife. While the kids were sleeping, we had a conversation about the A, and she told me numerous time how she screwed everything. The next morning, we went with the kids in a pool, and there was a giant slide. Had a lot of fun with the kids, and my wife was staying away from us. Suddenly, I had a strong envy of taking her in my arms, and she came playing with us. We laughed, told jokes, etc. Slowly, she's moving forward, and today she asked for my help, saying that if she had asked for it before having an A, nothing would have happen.

During the weekend, she talked a lot about her IC session. Turns out her mind is a total mess...

@ ming56
I saw your post this weekend. It made me think a lot. I am also surprised how violent my reaction is. In 2007 (I was 27 years old), I had 60 people working for me, built a house, had my first kid, and everyone was telling me how strong I was. I thought I was invincible. Now, when there is too much noise, or too much people, I have panic or anxiety attacks. Sometime, I also feel faint. I know for sure I wont go at some activities for Christmas, and and I will buy everything by Amazon so I won't have to go out.

I also think my wife is trying to overcome her problems. Yesterday she said that she had to go through this. She saw her parents, her brother and sisters having alcoholism and infidelity problems, and said she want this to stop at this generation. I also feel that it won't be linear, and a long road. She doesn't think so, but I know it will. You can't fix lifelong problems in a jiffy...
Reading your post made me ask my wife why she had an A with this guy. I said to her that I never saw him, but was sure he was depressed, had a lot of problems, lack of self-confidence... And she said it was true. She wanted to be with someone who could "understand"...

I feel that we are going forward sometime, moving to a path were she will heal herself, then heal me, so I'll be able to help her. I feel that when we will go there, we will be able to start R. There is now less fog than she used to have, but I see that there is still fog. She can't see it, but I do.
Thank you very much for your kind words. it helps talking to other people having similar stories, went through this and are feeling better. Your post helped me a lot, thank you again.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 18th (Monday)

moving to a path were she will heal herself

Me too.

But no...

then heal me

Realize that your healing is not dependent on her healing you. In fact, you're already healing, whether you realize it or not. Just as you are in charge of your choices, and not of hers.


so I'll be able to help her.

Just don't be an abusive asshole - I believe that's all that's required at this point. Being calm, reasonable, assured...that's all good
BUT
dammit - we pretty much ALL want to "help her" (see the light, mend her ways, fix it)

You can help her by being calm, and not abusive, after that brother - it's her work to do.

If I could snap my fingers and make it different I would.


Posts: 6425 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ming56
Member
Member # 19505
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

Been there thinking I was strong and could handle anything. I always prided myself on being cool under pressure- the tougher the situation the calmer and more focused I would get. Dealing with infidelity made a mess of my illusions about myself. It took a couple of years of no more disclosures, discoveries, and living amends to stop the fears from sending me reeling daily and to erase the peculiar odor I associated with my study where I used to make early morning investigations on the pc, persuing her cell phone, etc...a daily ritual. Coming home after a wonderful vacation free of the turmoil in my head I would actually dread entering my home because I no longer felt safe there, and the list goes on and on... So, definitely can relate.

Your wife saying she wants to break the cycle, whether her words of coming from her therapist is insightful and a very positive sign. My wife came from a long line of alcohics, and that was how she dealt with and minimized her abuse for most of her adult life until it just did not work anymore. Counterintuitively, after she was in AA for over a year she struggled and became even more suicidal. (they say the second year is actually tougher than the first when you discover there is no quick fix and this is for the long haul if you are going to make it) When she started dealing with the sexual abuse in therapy she came undone and started acting like the rebellious teen again and thus the EA.

Your wife stating she wanted to be with someone who understood when you asked her why she did this is poignant. After almost a year of "good behavior" and us being on the mend with nc with her former coworker, my wife suddenly attempted to call him after a traumatic experience. This was the final straw for me and after attending a funeral for a friend when she saw him for the first time in over a year (and had no interest in speaking to him)we went to see the family therapist who had guided us through so much healing. I expected this to be the final session since I no longer was willing to accept any misdeeds, and in fact the therapist, who I had previously felt did not understand the experience of a bs strongly supported me. Then...in trying to explain why she tried to make that phone call him my wife described him as also being a "fuck up." The therapist was able to help her see the connection and realize she reached out to him as a kindred spirit because he was also damaged and would understand her darker side that she had to conceal from me at all costs lest I lose respect for her and finally realize she was not worthy of my love. To make a long story short, just like that after years of near dual personality (good person, bad person seperation in her mind) she was able to see herself as an integrated whole. As simple as it sounds to a healthy person it was huge for her. She was finally able to deny power to and able to stop fighting her "bad side" from emerging every time she started to blame herself for everything bad that would happen around her. She realized she had choices and could accept herself, the good, the bad, and the ugly and recognize that she did not have to please eveybody to be loved and accepted. In doing so the fog was dissolved and she has been grateful and remarkably healthy ever since- just under five years now. Today she truly feels she was blessed by grace in overcoming a lifetime of hiding her pain and fooling everybody, including herself, and convincing them she was so together and successful when inside she felt like she was shit. Now she accepts herself for who she is, no longer tries to control every situation to protect herself, and indeed IS that together and successful person we all believed her to be. I have high hopes from what you have written that your story will likewise ultimately have a good outcome!


Posts: 305 | Registered: May 2008 | From: east coast
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

@ jjct
You're right... I am healing as time is going by. As for her, I realize that she will have a lot of work to do. A lot. Her mind is a total mess, it will take a lot of time for her to clean that. I am really working on myself right now by keeping calm and listening to her. When she asked for help, she said that one of her problems is that she had no boundaries (She wanted to please everybody, couldn't say no, etc.), and that she had problem recognizing and expressing her feelings. Between her IC, I think I could help her by listening to her and pointing out things to her when she's not listening to herself or putting boundaries. But it is tricky, as she have to find those thing by herself as time go by... Thank you!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)

@ ming56

I totally understand what you're saying about your investigations. Right now, I'm checking her mails, phone calls, internet history multiple times per day. And as you say, it seems like a ritual. As for me, I feel safe in my home, it is my workplace that don't feel safe. She saw the other men while they were at work, so I guess this is were it is coming from. I told her again this weekend that she had to change her job, and give a deadline about this.

About breaking the cycle, the words are coming from her, not her IC. She see's all the destruction she's causing and don't want the kids to live through the same situation. I believe you that the second year will be tougher. Last night she said she couldn't see when it will ends, she even don't know where to begins.

We had another talk last night. She said that she believes she wants to be with other mens, so she will choose mens with lots of problems, and that it will boost her esteem. She says that this way, she'll fill like they'll be happy with her as they will be so happy such a woman care for them. I find this so weird and fucked up. You want to hook up with someone better than you, so you can be a better person, right? But for her, right now, it is not the case. She's still in the fog I guess.

I also think that she does not accept herself as a whole, and this is why she has two life. The good one, and the bad one. Reading you gives me hope that if she don't stop her work on herself, she will see her as a successful person we all see, so she won't try to see other mens in order to feel better, but will realize all that she has.

Thank you again for your kind words folks!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

Greengiant,

After reading all of your posts: I firmly believe - Your WW must leave her current job and find a new job; if your marriage is going to successfully reconcile.

My opinion: Your WW lacks true, sincere remorse...and she plays "word games" regarding her feelings toward OM; and she is still "MENTALLY" and perhaps emotionally involved in this affair with OM.

I suspect: Your WW is not being totally truthful with her IC, either - especially regarding her "dark feelings" about harming herself.
YOU cannot FIX these issues...and Your WW's IC needs to be informed about her thoughts and talk about harming herself, in my opinion.

If I was in your position:
A major requirement of ME remaining in this marriage would be: Having this woman immediately leave this current job. There must be complete NO CONTACT with OM...if there's to be any chance of reconciliation.
In my opinion: You're being "played."
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh -- but that's how I see things for all of your posts.

Good luck...I wish you the best, because that's what you deserve.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)

My thoughts are similar to Dare2Trust's thoughts. I think you need to insist, as part of R, that your WW sign a disclosure agreement with her IC so you can speak to her IC and her IC can speak to you. Some of the things you say she says her IC says just aren't ringing true for me. Speaking from personal experience, one thing that many WS's have in common is telling lies about what happens in IC.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 22nd (Friday)

Another update!
Reading all your posts made me think a lot about my wife jobs. What she was saying one week ago :

1 - The OM is nothing to me, just a COW.
2 - I am searching for a job, but I'm not finding anything.

So I had numerous talk with her. First, told her that she can't say he's just a COW, they had sex together. If we divorce, how will she call me? Her ex friend, or her ex-husband? It made her think, and two day's ago she said that she's starting to see that he is a COW, but also an ex-OM... I think she was I denial of what happened, and that slowly she is seeing that things will never be the same, and that she have choices to make...

About her job, I told her numerous time that she had to change her job. Yesterday, she met her boss and he told her about her objectives for the next year. When we were at home, she was complaining about her objectives and how she was not happy with them. I looked at her, and said "Why do you care, you won't be there in one year". She looked at me and said : "Why would I leave?". My jaw dropped, and I just said "You should know, see me when you figure out...". So 2 hours later, she came to me saying that she knew that I wanted her to leave, she was looking for a job and would "eventually" leave when she would found something else that would suit her.

So I said that this was not an option. I was already patient by allowing her for not leaving right now, and I wouldn't live all my life with anxiety of knowing that they were working in the same building. So she asked me if I would made the choice to leave her if she would keep that job, if I made a choice of her job or the family.

I said that I haven't made that choice, she made it herself several months ago when she fu**** her COW numerous time. I know she have problems, and working on them, but I won't live with stress and anxiety. I also asked her how many contacts she made to new employers. Turned out it was zero... I said that we needed a deadline, otherwise one day or another they would work together again, and maybe temptation would be there...

She thought again, and came back to me saying that she had to look harder for a new job. She said that she would update her resume, and start looking elsewhere for jobs and keep me updated.

She can't leave her job immediately as it would put us in a hard position (finance). I also know that it won't be easy for her to find a new job as she has a really specialized kind of job. However,I made it clear that the only way I could accept her staying there, would be that the OM would leave himself. So she know that she have to leave...

We will go over this again this weekend, I really want this to be crystal clear and draw a line about what I won't accept.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Topic Posts: 34