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New Beginnings
User Topic: Honest Opinion about NB
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, November 4th (Monday)

Is it possible to be happy in this NB or do you make the best out of a bad hand?

I guess I struggle with the naive blind trust and happiness before all this mess.

I don't know anyone close who is from a divorced family is the subsequent marriages and relationships truly better? Or better relative to not having your first path when you were married.

If I am truly honest I miss it. We had long time friends that we planned to vacation with and I would love to meet their kids. I lost touch with them for the past years due to the divorce.

I have made a good set of friends and routinely talk to old friends closer to me. It is a full life but there are moments. I don't even think it has to do with my ex just my old life.

I want to go from feeling like I am trying to make lemons out of lemonade and make new lemonade and innocently enjoy.

Thanks for listening!


Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jul 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Remember...takes time...2-5 years.

Everything is new once again. Nobody said since it was new the it would be easy. In fact I think it's harder then before because of kids and finances we accumulate. I think everyone on here will not trust blindly again with their emotions. I know I won't.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 4th (Monday)

happier...genuinely happier all the way around in my NB.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I think NB is different for everyone. Different backgrounds and different life experiences.

I don't yet consider myself to be in my NB. I still have healing to do. What I do know is that the past year has been more full of joy and new experiences, deep introspection and personal growth than I have felt in the past 15 or so years.

Yes, at times I feel like I am 'working' to make the best of the hand dealt to me. I backslide at times missing the person I thought was my best friend. Truly at the end of the day, whilst there is some tinge of sadness, I am happier and more complete within myself than I have ever been.

I don't know how this may impact future relationships as yet but what I do know is that I better know myself. Therefore I believe that I will do better, love deeper and be in a more healthy relationship in future. Not because I will blindly trust but because I know my self worth. Maybe it wont be innocent but it will be more genuine, of that I am sure.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I'm truly happier in my NB, but it took time to adjust to my new "normal". You have to adjust to the idea of being alone and just handling things on your own.

It's kind of strange to not have to worry about what anyone else wants, and to focus just on me.

I really question the thought of ever living with someone else again.

Here's an example from yesterday: I drove to the city and went to see an exhibit that I've been wanting to see. I didn't have to plan around anyone else's schedule. I didn't have to hurry up, becuase they weren't enjoying it. I didn't have to slow down, because the other person is a slow reader.

After the exhibit, I went to another part of town and shopped.

Then, I stopped somewhere very unique and had a late lunch before meandering home.

I don't know about your marriage, but I would have had to drag a hung over spouse out of bed, beg him to do something with me, eat when he wanted to eat, eat where he wanted to eat, listen to bitching about traffic, additional bitching about parking, additional bitching in general, and don't even get me started on the food.

There were times when we would go into a restaurant and walk back out because he "wasn't hungry" for that type of food. Just eat already! It's not a life or death decision.

It's a major shift in your life between doing what someone else wants vs. doing what you want. In my case, I was so consumed with what made him happy that I didn't know what made me happy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I'm 8 1/2 years out from my D after a 24 year marriage. At first I was just making the best of a bad hand.

I spent so many years taking care of everyone else - spouse, children, parents, etc. that I had no clue how to take care of myself.

I spent so much time as 1/2 of a couple and negotiating decisions large and small, that I really lost track of what I wanted/liked/made me happy.

It was slow, but I finally started looking at my NB as a second chance to fulfill some of my dreams and desires. I have enjoyed this journey during the second half of my life.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7752 | Registered: Aug 2005
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Amazing after allowing myself to heal. This life is mine and im in the drivers seat. I have accomplished more in 5 years of singledom than I ever did as a couple. Things just get better all the time. I still have some drama with the ex over kids but that will work its self out eventually....


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 952 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Over all, I have been really happy in my NB. I've had some downs to go along with the ups. It's been scary. It's been hard work. But I've rebuilt my life, and I like the life I have now.

In fact, I had contact with my ex-sil recently for the first time in almost 4 years, and I told her that life is better than I ever expected it could be. And I meant it.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I also know very few divorced people in real life. Most of them are in much better relationships now (or at least they claim to be. It was pretty amazing the secrets people told me to help me through my darkest days!)

I can honestly say that I'm happier now than I was for at least the last 6 years of my marriage. Probably even longer. Of course, I don't have kids with XWH and can go true NC on him because he moved out of the area.

I was faking (lying to myself -- I really thought I was!) happy when I was married. I think my subconscious knew -- I contemplated becoming an alcoholic, I started exploring more interests by myself (in the past, I would only do something if XWH would join in.)

But now, I truly am happy. The difference is profound.

I know that happiness is out there for you, my dear friend. You're just going through a lot of stuff right now, so your life is essentially still in limbo. You'll have a tough few months/years as you get various things figured out. But I truly believe that you will be happier than you believe is possible right now. It may take you 3-5 years to get there, but you'll find it.

And yet again, I so wish we lived closer so I could give you these hugs in person and we'd go out and have a blast!!!


(((fireproof)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I've found it is like recovering from any other trauma. It is what you make of it. It takes time to heal, but if you do the hard work to heal, and you keep moving forward, you can find happiness again. It will be a different "happy" though, because you can't get back your naivete and innocence.

I don't know if it is because I am older and maturing, or because I am actually trying to work on my issues, but I've found the relationships after my divorce keep getting deeper and more satisfying. They aren't as full of the superficial (and to me, unsatisfying) stuff that I had in the beginning because I look at relationships differently now and I realize that for me, love, strength, trust and having realistic expectations allows me to give more of my inner self and I am getting more back.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Nothing is ever "perfect". I find that there are some things I miss with x that I don't get from my NB, but also many things I get now that I never had before. But nobody, NOBODY, is responsible for my happiness other than myself. I do my best to stay positive and look at all the good rather than the bad qualities in my new "very good friend/SO".
Its tough for people to be as perfect as I am.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

What Williesmom said. Exactly.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17589 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I started out by making the best out of a bad hand... and made it worse by making some pretty horrible decisions.

Now that I've finally gotten my act together, this is the happiest I've ever been in my life. I know who I am, I know what I like and even when things are stressful, I feel a peace I never did before.

It took some time and work but things got so much better for me. They will for you, too.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15420 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
MelisssaZZZ
Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

i am 4.5 years fater first DDay. And 3.5 years after seperation. and i still feel like i am working the best of shitty hand dealt.

dont get me wrong. i have done many things. some of them even for me :). but still i keep on reverting what should have 'been'.

currently i, actually think i might be much closer to finally turning a corner. it kind of very much depends on the outcome of one of my 'projects'. if it does as well i hope i hope it will i think i will be on the other side :).

have to say my biggest worry/ issue is financial. i simply really struggled/ struggle with vhange of the lifestyle (and bear in mind its far from struggling from food). but as they say - its easy to get used to good stuff - much harder to go other way around.

as for my life it has been full of work, work, work. but if finally it will start paying off, i think i will start moving into a good place.

it takes long time. As i said - i am not ther yet myself.


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you for the replies. It is helpful to hear it isn't this new life with rainbows. I guess I was so set on my future and starting off less than what I had when I graduated college is a hard pill to swallow.

I have so much to be grateful for yet I know how it could have been.

I suppose more time will help. I would give anything to experience joy with full abandon.



Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jul 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

my NB started out with 1 year of false Rs. Moving out of the marital home into my own little dream home and losing my job 3 days later. More false R. Filing bankruptcy, losing the marital home, taking a new job at half the pay of my old job.

Yeah the first 18 months after dday pretty much sucked.

In all of that there was some good. I found myself again. Figured out what I wanted. Spent more time with friends. Tried some new things. It didn't happen over night but eventually, I found that I was pretty happy with my life overall.

Keep your focus on the positive and what's ahead. Dwelling on what could have been will keep you trapped.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~Dale Galloway

I guess I was so set on my future and starting off less than what I had when I graduated college is a hard pill to swallow.

Remember the fun you had "discovering" the perfect paint color for that room, and meeting new people in college with different backgrounds, and just spending a day walking around and exploring a new place?

Life is what you make it. Make it joyful and embrace your new beginning with abandon!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I suppose more time will help. I would give anything to experience joy with full abandon.
Then make it happen. This is your chance to start over, go for the gusto, and don't let ANYTHING hold you back. You don't have to answer to anyone so follow your dreams. Take chances. Don't be afraid of failure, the only failure is not trying in the first place.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I don't feel like I've started my NB...I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not interested in dating.
But I am happy.
And I do enjoy my life. I don't have a lot of friends or much of a social life...the friends I do have are different from the people I knew when I was married.
I am at peace most of the time.

I guess, as I think about it, the nicest part of my NB is learning that I'm strong and capable. That I can handle single motherhood. I'm not making lemonade out of lemons so much as I am redefining who I am and what I want in this life.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I have had happy times in my NB. But to be honest - my happiest times in my NB don't reach the level of my happiness of the good times when I was with my ex. And we had 8 really good years before things went sour.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Feb 2010
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I think you just slowly replace your old life with your new one.

Kind of like your skin regenerating. It happens a little every day until one day you are new.

But DD is like a burn, you have lost all the skin in one moment and it hurts. At times that is all you know - the pain. But that skin will also regenerate, it just takes a little longer to heel.

There will be scars left which will always remind you of your journey, but you will have heeled.


Posts: 501 | Registered: Jun 2012
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Williesmom and I have very similar NBs, except for the big city, but that's coming for me soon, for sure. And it seems like we married twin downers.

Xpos hates being in a crowd and always made sure that I didn't enjoy doing anything that was around very many people either. He's done the things she said. In fact, even while still M, I often just went to those events alone or with someone else because the thought of having him along made me not want to bother. Everything had to be what HE wanted. Never mattered a bit that I might want something.

Ah, life is so stress-free most of the time now! And xpos told me many times that I didn't smile much, except around the grandkids or maybe the kids too. Now I smile all.the.time! So, what has made that difference?? In fact, this reminds me of something I need to post!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2396 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Remember...takes time...2-5 years.
I strongly disagree with this overused (IMO) statement even though many "experts" also make this claim.

I have survived infidelity in two marriages, divorced my first H and R'ed with my current one. In neither case did it take me 2-5 years to be about as happy as I have ever been in my life, overall.

I started dating right away after my XH moved out (and in with his OW). And I had FUN! There was definitely a downside to being alone at night and raising three children on my own while working and going back to school, but no, my new beginning was definitely positive overall, and within months of the final D-day, not years.

In fact I remember one day in particular about 5 months after we split, I had to meet my XH and his "lover woman" as I called her to exchange our children. They looked so scraggly somehow and I realized I was so much better in that moment. I realized they "deserved each other."

In my current M, after deciding (based on his remorse and other factors) that I wanted to forgive my H, it took me about two months to feel we were "fully reconciled." Of course that definition seems to be different for everyone. It didn't mean that I never had moments of remembering and feeling bad about what happened. It just meant I was accepting it all, moving on with my life, and not afraid to be happy again, and in fact would do everything in my own power to assure I would be happy again.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 23