The Book Club
User Topic: Book for healing myself?
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I looked through the books section in the Healing Library, but was hoping to get a recommendation.

Right after D-day, I bought a book about saving our marriage, but now I just really want something that focuses on how to heal after the A. How do I (BS) heal from the A? My WH has done very little work on himself, but I want to recover...even if it's on my own.

Yay for inner strength!

Any recommendations?

BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, November 8th (Friday)

Good for you!! I borrowed a bunch of books from the library. I also bought some. My favorites: Healing from Abandonment, all codependency books by M. Beattie, When He Leaves (faith based), Runaway Husband.

Reading really really helped me!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 8th (Friday)

Check out M.J. Ryan. She has a number of books and they are all amazing.

Posts: 5632 | Registered: Jul 2002
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 8th (Friday)

Thanks you guys! So much stuff to read about healing your marriage, but not much on personal healing. I love the suggestions

BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Born to Win, Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward. I think it's been in print fro 40 years.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
New Member
Member # 41256
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I have found that anything by the Dalai Lama has really helped me. One Buddhist philosophy is that anger and rage will only continue to consume us, forgiveness can set us free. I know, this is a bit "out there" for some people, but I have found it very helpful. "The Art of Happiness" or "the Dalai Lama's Little Book of Wisdom" are both great. Sorry, this is not in any way meant to offend, only to help:)

[This message edited by Medea1536 at 6:25 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

Married:16 Years
Together 18 years
2 Beautiful children
DDay (the only one I hope): Oct 21 2013
Broken, battered and trying to survive this
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong" ~Mahatma Gandhi

Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: USA
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Forgiveness ~ How To Make Peace With Your Past And Get On With Your Life by Dr. Sidney B. Simon and Suzanne Simon (ISBN 0-446-39259-6)
~ Based on their popular "Forgiveness" seminar, the author of Getting Unstuck and his wife designed to help readers let go of their pain and get on with their lives.

Living the Truth by Keith Ablow, MD (ISBN 0-316-01782-5)
~ Dr. Keith Ablow, bestselling author and host of a new daily one-hour daytime-TV talk show, presents his first self-help book. Based on more than 20 years of clinical experience and highlighting stories from his own practice, Ablow shows how ignoring or burying painful memories and experiences can negatively affect every aspect of our lives, and he presents strategies to help the reader transform the pain of the past into the power of the future. In a world where short-term talk therapy and medication are the latest trends to "fixing" an unhappy life, Ablow's message is controversial. But though examining the past can be daunting, LIVING THE TRUTH is as comforting and rewarding as it is transformative. And through Ablow's fine storytelling skills, empathetic voice, and straight-up advice, the experience of reading this extraordinary book becomes the first step to living a truly authentic life.

The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley (ISBN 0-87542-223-3)
~ Guy Finley’s message of self-liberation has touched people around the world. Discover how to extinguish self-defeating thoughts and habits that undermine true happiness. Exploring relationships, depression, and stress, his inspiring words can help you let go of debilitating anxiety, unnecessary anger, paralyzing guilt, and painful heartache. True stories, revealing dialogues, and thought-provoking questions will guide you toward the endless source of inner strength and emotional freedom that resides within us all.

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage To Forgive, The Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. (ISBN 0-06-000390-6)
~ Using illustrative material from her nearly 30 years as a therapist, the author outlines four approaches to forgiveness: (1) cheap forgiveness, which she sees as an inauthentic act of peacekeeping that resolves nothing; (2) refusing to forgive, which is categorized as a rigid response that keeps one entombed in hate; (3) acceptance, which is a healing gift that asks nothing of the offender; and (4) genuine forgiveness, which the author describes as a healing transaction and an intimate dance. Spring has discovered that we are all looking for "some new approach, that frees us from the corrosive effects of hate, gives voice to the injustice, and helps us to make peace with the person who hurt us and with ourselves." This self-help book is aimed at those who have done wrong and those who have been wronged.

Happiness NOW!by Robert Holden, Ph.D. (ISBN-10: 140192039X; ISBN-13: 978-1401920395)
~ Happiness NOW! is a truly powerful and radical exploration of one of life’s most treasured goals. Packed with rich insights and practical wisdom, it offers a message of profound hope and healing for a generation that is often too busy chasing happiness to be truly happy.

Robert Holden, Ph.D., presents a personal, warm, and entertaining account of how he developed his pioneering work with The Happiness Project. Using a highly creative mix of stories, exercises, meditations, poetry, and prayer, Robert shares his distinctive philosophy and practice of “the how of happiness.”

Visionary and practical, challenging and compassionate, Happiness NOW! gives you valuable keys to true self-acceptance, everyday abundance, loving relationships, inner success, and lasting joy - starting NOW!

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, November 14th (Thursday)

Thank you! I keep coming back to see if anyone else has I've got a long list to take to my library!

BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 359 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Echoing thanks, this thread is very helpful for me too. I've realized now this is where my focus needs to be, with or without WH.

Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."

Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, November 15th (Friday)

The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses

Karen Salmansohn

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, November 15th (Friday)

Not a book, but I think that the website really helped me and is a good place to spend a few minutes.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3456 | Registered: Dec 2011
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Bounce Back book is an excellent one to keep in purse or diaper bag or brief case!

Posts: 4725 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I've found the following pretty helpful:

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Scott Haltzman

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
by Eleanor Payson

I'm also less than 3 months from DDay... so YMMV

Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Dec 2013
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Couple of great recent reads:

Healing is a Choice - Steve Arterburn

The Strong and The Weak - Paul Tournier

Grace Filled Marriage - Tim Kimmel

Walking With God Through Pain And Suffering - Timothy Keller

ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Hi healing,

Hope you're doing okay since you posted this and finding all the written wisdom in the world!

For my own healing, I wound up leaving the affair themed books behind. I found them potentially useful moving forward only if Ws was participating, which he was not. So I started to dabble in books that focused on me dealing with my emotions, my wants and needs and I'm so glad I did. Working on me actually worked it's way into my feelings about the A, and helped me move toward healing there too.

I work with books so I skimmed a lot!!! But I have to say I adore melody beattie. It's more much more than codepency's runs the gamut of emotional and self empowerment themes. I especially liked her letting go book even if repetitive.

David richo is an author I like for his book how to be an adult in relationships. And because my Ws is very selfish icread the Oz book about narcissism which helped open my eyes in a huge way to what I was really dealing with.

Also pema chodron , who hails from Buddhism but who rally is entirely human focused is great. Many of her stuff is available for free on YouTube. Great lessons for holding it together and valuing ourselves.

Self healing is so vital. More important in a way than R. Or at least probably wise to do before R. Take back yourself before you give yourself to another person again....that's my thinking anyway and I really believe it.

Best wishes!!!!!!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 1:28 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Turning Hurts into Halos by [Robert H. Schuller

Not infidelity based at all. It really is an inspirational and uplifting book that gets ya thinking.

I think it's exactly what MH & DS did in making this site

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 12:05 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6630 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliott is terrific. I found it really helpful.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 1002 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion

Especially good for those in limbo.

Also book called Deal Breakers. Pink cover. Helpful when we are blind to the boundaries we really should be holding. doeS a good job of showing which behaviors are encouraging, and which are truly unacceptable. I know I accepted the unacceptable for far too long. Good for moving forward.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

It is not just about losing a love - but the loss of anything - a pet, the innocence in a marriage, a job, etc. It is just one of the best books of all time. It saved my life many years ago.

Good luck to you.

Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 41740
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

Just started reading Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny. Its about healing from betrayal in general, including adultery. It's focus is on healing and not trying the figure out the whys and hows.

BS 37
fWH 36
DDs 17,14,10

2011 started 2.5years of TT
Full disclosure in OCT.2013,

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2013
New Member
Member # 38037
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I am almost 5 years post d-day. What I have learned these past 5 years is......

I can't heal my WH I need to heal myself and make myself whole, as he needs to heal himself and make himself whole. In the beginning we were so busy trying to reconcile as a couple, but we kept falling backwards. What I can tell you is work on healing yourself, and by doing the work, it will allow you to reconnect with who you really are/were and who you want to be moving forward. I came to the realization that after being in a marriage for 32 years that I had completely lost my identity, yet I had no idea that it was lost. I'm spending time on myself and doing much soul searching. I am finding the person I lost. And I really like her,I didn't really like the person I had become. The best advice I can give to someone who is somewhat new to recovery, is work on yourself. You are not responsible to fix/heal your WS. Work on making yourself whole.

We are currently going to therapy by ourselves and just started with a new marriage counselor. Hopefully we can make this work! But if we can't I know I can walk away knowing that I did everything I could, and yet walk away being the strong confident woman who somehow got lost in her 32 years of doing, for everyone else.

A book that has helped me immensely is
In the Meantime by Iyana Vanzant.

Good luck to all of you in your journey!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 21