SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Just attended Retrouvaille
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I highly recommend this to everyone.

Last week I was pretty much done with this shit and wanted no more to do with him. We had already booked Retrouvaille and it took some pleading but I went.

I was cranky and volatile Friday and Saturday. I was listening to the presenters but negative thoughts were running rampant the entire time. Sunday morning we did an exercise that changed everything for me. We had a breakthrough of sorts. It was the breakthrough and something one of the presenters said that humbled me...basically I felt bad about myself for the things I had been thinking and the way I had been acting. I'm not going to say it'll be smooth sailing from here on out but we were one of those couples other SI's have talked about showing a total change by the end of the weekend.

Going into the weekend I was cringing at the slightest touch from him. By Sunday afternoon, we were holding hands, he had his arm around me, would put his hand on the small of my back, hugging, kissing, etc. and I experienced zero triggers.

I can't talk about details because they ask us to encourage other couples who are having troubles but not to divulge too much so you can experience it without any preconceived notions. We are doing the homework and will be attending the post sessions.

We still have work and there will still be bad days but things that were triggering me before the trip are now just a numb tingle now. SheHatesMe (my wayward) to his credit has changed jobs and gotten a part time job to make up the money he spent on his affairs, changed phone numbers, shut down email accounts and made one that is shared between us, given me his password to facebook and allowed me to delete friends I didn't think were good for us, sent the NC letter, called OBH and confessed and apologized to him, gotten on ADs, has been working out, is going to IC religiously, is journaling and reading constantly, is talking to me every day about everything, has planned day trips for us and is managing his anger. He really despises the monster he became and is working overtime to change it.

I also am in IC, never stopped working out, am eating better/more, sleeping better, managing my response to triggers better and we both have worked to get to a point where we end fights on a good note as opposed to one of us retreating. I'm currently working on accepting what has happened and putting it in the past where it belongs. I'm also working on allowing myself to be vulnerable again. As you all know this is incredibly difficult but none of us will get anywhere unless our walls come down. I am sick of being angry and sad. I want my old happy, goofy self back who laughed all the time so I am choosing to not give the whores one more second of my time, energy and life.

I realize this all sounds fine and dandy especially after a retreat weekend but I honestly do feel I now have the strength, tools and support to combat upcoming bad days.

The feeling that I'm accountable to others is paramount for me. Again, I don't want to divulge details so I'll leave it at that but that was an a-ha moment for me and changed how I was looking at everything.

I hope this post helps someone.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I am glad you went to Retrouvaille. I feel it is a fantastic program. Happy that you are feeling that you are able to let your walls down.
The feeling that I'm accountable to others is paramount for me. Again, I don't want to divulge details
I wish you would expand more of this for me, velvethammer.

I also attended Retrouvaille and it really was a turning point in our reconciliation. However, I don't buy into their "keeping secret" what goes on in Retrouvaille. It is almost disingenuous, imo. We are adults. We should be able to make choices with full knowledge. I feel people should walk in with their eyes wide open. I wish I had more information on what was going to happen on this weekend before we went.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Just emailed them this morning for info on Jan. 17 weekend.

How expensive is it?

I really want to try this, could use all the help I can find. Just hoping it is attainable.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1427 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

How expensive is it?

The registration fees vary from about $75 - 150, depending on your location. At the end they ask for donations, but it is very low pressure and completely anonymous. Totally voluntary. And it's quick...they don't go on and on about it.

We just got back too, velvethammer. Wouldn't it be wild if we were at the same one?????


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

cantaccept, I would encourage you to go.

As far as cost, that really shouldn't be a deterrent. They will ask you for a deposit upfront. I don't know if it is the same everywhere. For us it was $150.00. At the end of the weekend they will tell you how much it costs for them to have you there for the weekend. Then it is up to you to pay what you want/can. It is done privately. No one will know what you paid or if you paid. If you cannot afford anything other than the deposit, that is fine. Other couples attending often pay for other couples that couldn't afford to pay more.

eta: The couples who donate for other couples don't know who they are donating for. It is all very private and anonymous.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:22 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

heforgotme - Ours was $200 so I doubt we were at the same one - I wish it was $75!!! But yes, that would've been crazy and I was actually wondering if anyone in our room was on SI.

Sister - I had typed out a whole response that got wiped out when the servers just crashed. UGH. Let me see if I can make it shorter. I believe that people in general, definitely me, learn and GROW best when we are out of our comfort zones. We basically had to roll with the punches in there and in doing so my walls started to crumble and I was able to be vulnerable which is scary but necessary to rebuild. Vulnerability is something I don't typically show and need to work on.

I think that when you're out of your comfort zone, you have an opportunity to learn something about yourself and gain some confidence. If you go in knowing or thinking you know what all is going to happen, you potentially set yourself up for failure if you find you're not grasping the communication style and rob yourself of the chance to successfully navigate the discomfort zone. I also wonder what someone would get out of it or miss getting out of it if they go in with preconceived notions.

That being said, the communication style is awkward and frustrating - they said it would be but I'm finding through doing this weekend and the homework that being awkward in front of SHM is intimate. I'm a classic type A overachiever so I'm usually good at everything. This is requiring a good amount of effort on my part and I'm not so good at it yet but I find the things in life that I'm not good at and require something more from me, are the very things I need most and help me learn and grow leaps and bounds.

The part about me being accountable is this...we learned on Sunday that another couple who had gone through Retrouvaille, suffered their own marital discord and made it through, were assigned to be our prayer couple. They were assigned to us a couple weeks prior and were praying for us everyday. I'm heavy into charitable work and to learn that another couple that doesn't even know me was taking even a minute out of their day to say a quick prayer for me was humbling. I felt disappointed in myself for acting like a brat for the first two days. We got a card from them at the end and their email address should we need anything. They didn't have to do that. They didn't need to volunteer time or their email for possible future communications from strangers. Side note, I'm not religious but I am spiritual.

I think another part of it was just the negativity surrounding all of this. I was never a negative person before and I've been feeling so out of place with all of the bad thoughts in my head and the people around me saying to just get rid of him like he's just a piece of garbage and it's so easy. None of that felt natural to me. What felt natural, finally was to find a place where there was guidance from couples who had been through it before and believed so much in the process that they volunteered their time and energy to come present and share their stories. Not therapists, not friends and family who haven't been through this or other major marital problems, not clergy (although one was present it was not religion heavy), real couples who were now joined, stronger and better than before.

I hope this makes some sense. I'm so beat and have been in the middle of cancer testing for a couple of weeks so I'm battling 2 major life issues right now. I have a cystology exam next Monday. Fingers crossed.

One thing I liked that the priest said, "you can fight to be right, or you can fight to be happy".

Again, I hope this helps someone and thanks for the PMs. Keep them coming if you want to discuss more in private.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

2 things I forgot.

My triggers now are a dull buzzing. Certain things that were infuriating before are just a minor annoyance now like a fly.

Also, doing the math they are either losing money or just breaking even if people give more when asked to. For that alone I would have honored their request to not divulge all the details.

Interesting facts/history - Retrouvaille began in 1977 and is all over the world.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thanks, velvethammer, for explaining the how you felt accountable. It just wasn't a big take away that I got from the weekend, so I was wondering what you meant by that. I think I understand what you mean.

As far as keeping the "secrets" of Retrouvaille, I understand your point on that, also. However, I have a big problem with secrets and not having all the information when one makes a choice.

eta: I am so sorry about your cancer issues. I sure hope all turns out well. Sending healing mojo your way. ((((velvet))))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:37 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thanks, Sister! I have zero risk factors but every other test has come out clean for infection and stones so the next thing to check for is cancer. I've peed blood with blood clots a couple of times in the last two months. Cat scan, urine culture, urinalysis, blood tests all clean and no other symptoms. Urologist says it's most likely a bad UTI that resisted the first round of antibiotics and turned into a bladder infection but we need to be sure because I have no signs of infection in the tests. Just a shitty year. Can't wait for 2014.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

if I have to make the decision to forgive and trust, this is not for me....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

You don't need to make any decisions. There's no pressure to do anything.

I hate this 2 year minimum time line for feeling like crap so I'm going to seek out and try almost anything to feel better in a shorter amount of time. I don't enjoy anger, sadness or feeling stuck and especially when I'm feeling stuck, I try a new approach because clearly what I'm doing isn't working.

I'm just saying it helped me so far and a ton of other people and across the globe since 1977. Lots of people get something out of this. No need to make a decision now either. I think most of the upcoming dates aren't until January.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

velvet - I just posted on the 2 year stuff. Thank you for explaining that more...

you're so brave to try this! I'm glad it went well for you.... and that you came back here to share your positive experience!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Crushed18
New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Thanks for posting about your experience! WS signed us up a few months ago. He heard about it from his IC, did the research, registered and booked our flights. I agreed to attend and to hold off on filing for S/D until after we go.

Now that its the week of...I'm scared and very nervous!!! I've never done a marriage retreat and not sure how I feel about being in a group setting with our marital issues.

The closer we get to leaving on Friday, the more nervous I feel.I'm seriously considering not going. Plus, I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay married to WS. I've lost a lot of respect and admiration for him. Not sure what I want to do.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I've never done a marriage retreat and not sure how I feel about being in a group setting with our marital issues.
No one at all will know what your marital issues are. There really isn't a group setting where you all share. We stayed pretty much to ourselves as most of the other couples did also. The "exercises" they have you do are all private and only shared between you and your spouse.

I think a couple of times they did something like we had to say a word about something they asked us about. They go all around the room, but it was pretty impersonal from what I recall. We never felt pressured about anything. Everyone there is pretty much in marital crisis so it isn't like this big happy time. We interacted with our meal time companions, but you don't even have to do that. The whole weekend is very structured and there isn't any
free time.

And one or two times they asked if anyone had anything they wanted to share. One or two people did, but, overall most people remained very private. Until the final presentation on the last day. Then they got us in a circle and asked if anyone wanted to share. I was shocked that my FWH decided to share. He was adamant that he was not going to be doing any group sharing. He still didn't say what our issues were, but he shared how much he felt like Retrouvaille really made a tremendous difference in his ability to communicate, open up and be vulnerable to me. Many shared the same feelings. Many tears, in a good way. It was really awesome for the lack of a better word.

Be prepared to work hard. Bring comfy clothes. We wore our slippers as did many others and most wore very comfy casual clothes. (We went in deep winter in the tundra here!)

This is what I told myself, Crushed18. If I or FWH or both of us really disliked it we could leave. But, you don't even have to leave the hotel. You can just stop going to the presentations. Enjoy your hotel room (since you are flying there). When I gave myself permission to be able to back out if I didn't like it, I was a lot more comfortable about going.

Crushed18, you have absolutely nothing to lose except a weekend and everything to gain. Go with an open heart and mind. Give it a chance. It could be life changing. Best of luck!

eta: Now I remember what they asked us. They went around the room and asked everyone to give one word how they felt about going to Retrouvaille. It wasn't intimidating at all. I don't know if they do that at all of them, but that was what they did with us. Also, one of the presenting couples were 1 week away from signing their divorce papers, literally. They had been separated for at least 6 months and didn't even really speak to each other. They both went to the same church that sponsored Retrouvaille. The wife really didn't want the divorce but her husband was determined. She was able to talk him into going. They arrived separately. They were barely speaking. Retrouvaille saved their marriage. They are now presenters.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:18 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I just got info for one in our state in February...$650 is the total cost...this includes 2 nights in the hotel and all meals, plus the 12 follow up sessions. This seems very reasonable to me. MC sessions run $75 each...and that is for 1 hour of pretty low-intensity exercises.

The information I received did say that their goal is to save marriages, to save families...so if you cant pay the full amount, they are willing to work with you.

My wife and I are considering it...have not signed up yet, but I would like to. But I have also learned that if either one of us are not fully in we don't get as much out of an exercise as we could.

It was encouraging to hear you (velvethammer) talk about going with a bad
attitude...and it still do something for you.

February seems like a long time away....no telling what emotional state I will be in then....but sounds like registering is a gamble worth taking.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4007 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Praying a specific prayer for you Crushed18 and Mr. Crushed18.

You owe me nothing...but if you are up to it, could you please post a thumbs up or thumbs down on your experience post-trip please?


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4007 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

There's one where we are Valentines weekend. How fitting! Seems so far away. . . Won't we be fixed by then?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:11 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Crushed 18. . . What is the worst that can happen if you go ahead and go?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Crushed18
New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks for sharing your Retrovaille experience Sister..Feeling a bit more positive about going.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's prayers and encouraging words. Just in a place where I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted dealing w/ my WS myriad affairs. Just feeling hopeless and wanting to move on with my life.

Retrovaille may be the miracle we need, and maybe...just maybe I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

Prayers and peace to us all!


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Crushed18
New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks for sharing your Retrovaille experience Sister..Feeling a bit more positive about going.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's prayers and encouraging words. Just in a place where I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted dealing w/ my WS myriad affairs. Just feeling hopeless and wanting to move on with my life.

Retrovaille may be the miracle we need, and maybe...just maybe I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

Prayers and peace to us all!


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I wasn't expecting much and I have a little confession. I remember walking into the room the first time and scoping out the men. In my head I was thinking, "Well, if we D these might be the men I get to choose from because we all could be single soon."

It helped us because we had devoted time really focus on us as individuals and as a couple. Our MC sessions are so non-productive sometimes that it would drive me crazy that I would have to wait another week or two before the next.

It helped me because you get to the spouse in a new light. Again, when I walked in, I felt WH was the enemy and evil. That changed by Sunday. You don't have to forgive or trust, I am still not at that point, BUT you do come out feeling lighter, like some of the burden and pain has been lifted. I would go just for that feeling again.

I started wearing my wedding rings after Retrouvaille. I had not worn them since DDAY and even took them to the jewelers to get ideas on what to do with them. I had ABSOLUTELY NO interest ever wearing them again. And here I am wearing them and thinking, I think we can do this. It's CRAZY!

We had 16 couples, all except a couple that live too far away, have been doing the post sessions. It is transformative, I think you at least have to try it. They all look happy and even like they are dating again.

Like the other member said, don't walk, run...

[This message edited by ILINIA at 7:49 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Wow, so many great posts and I hope I can help some of you who are nervous, afraid, etc. with what I'm about to write.

I was talking to SHM this morning about some of the posts and that I heard or read "fear" coming through. This is something I've never had. People always, even ones who don't know me well, describe me as fearless. I was a dancer for many years and still am. Just auditioned and performed at Center Stage in Baltimore last year at the age of 38. Going to an audition at that age is daunting but ultimately there was nothing to fear. No bodily harm would come to me and if I wasn't chosen, so what? Some people I don't know didn't think I was good enough. Do I really care what they think? No. They're not friends or family whose opinions I do care about. Just like when a stranger hits on me. I hate that shit especially when I'm wearing my engagement ring or when I was married before with my wedding rings on. That screams, "I think you're an amoral whore who doesn't give a shit about her marriage, wanna have sex?". That does not say, to me at least, that I'm attractive. It's an insult to me. I care about what the people closest to me think and worry about failing me and them, not people I don't know and will never see again.

I also travel to NY once every couple of months to take classes at Broadway Dance Center, a place that caters to models, dancers, actors, etc. I'm 5' tall and look like a shrimp next to most of those women but screw it, I go up there, take Voguing with Benny Ninja from America's Next Top Model or Broadway Jazz from a Broadway and TV choreographer and do the best I can all while not paying a damn bit of attention to anyone else in the room. I pay for those classes just like the others do and when I take them, it's me and the teacher. We are the two most important people in the room. Nobody else matters.

I'm with Ilinia, I wasn't "expecting" anything. I hated SHM last week and wanted to be done. What I really wanted to be done with was the pain and this helped. If you go into things with an open mind and little to no expectations, you just may be surprised what you come out of it with.

You'll never know unless you try and I'd much rather try than deal with what ifs which in my book are scarier unknowns than a Retrouvaille weekend.

When in doubt, stop over thinking and go with the Nike slogan, "just do it".


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I’ve noticed that many if not all on this thread are comments from the BS and thought it would be good to post from the point of view of a WS that was tremendously affected in a positive way from the weekend. Velvethammer (my BGF) stated that she was just about done with the entire relationship and was extremely close to backing out of the weekend. I continuously asked that she not back out. I pleaded for her to go and give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen; she wasted a weekend and confirmed her doubts about her readiness to call us completely over? She was so done that we had nothing to lose but everything to gain. I saw it as if we get anything out of it; it’s a step in the right direction. I repeatedly told her that I was going to go to any length to show her how sorry and remorseful I am. I will sacrifice anything for her. Reluctantly she agreed to go and we made the drive on Friday.

We arrived, checked into the hotel room and then proceeded to the first meeting that evening. I have to admit even I was a bit nervous of the unknown but wanted to start the event with an open mind and really give it a 100% effort. Without giving away too many details about the weekend and what is asked of each couple, I can say that when we were told that we were going to be talking a lot about feelings, I thought “oh crap”. You see, I have never really been “in touch” with my feelings. I have basically floated through life feeling surface feelings, like happy, sad, angry, etc. I never really dug deeper into my feelings and found how deep those feelings were or “am I really sad or am I depressed, disassociated, downtrodden, etc.” These descriptions provide several differing emotions that may be present inside us that we fail to truly analyze. This weekend gave me the ability to examine those emotions and then write them down. There’s something therapeutic about putting pen to paper.

The weekend was not easy. It took a huge effort from both of us. Saturday night, Velvethammer was so done and emotionally drained that she wanted to give up. We had the ability to drive home that night because we lived less than 2 hours away to let our dogs out. That trip home was highly emotional. Frustrations, anger, and tears flowed from her during the trip. I did my absolute best to remain calm, collected and apologetic. At that moment, I realized how helpful this weekend had been up to that point. The environment was calming and self-reflective. I couldn’t get angry or frustrated back like I had in the past. I had no right and it wasn’t in me. I “got it” at that moment. She asked me if I was getting anything out of it. I told her “yes” and explained that I have been able to really search my feelings and truly analyze them for what they are. I pleaded that she stick it out one more day. We’ve come this far. I reassured her that I understood that she did not have any requirement to return and if she wanted to stay home she could, but I really wanted her to return and give it this one last day. When we got home and she exited the car without her cell phone and purse, I knew she was going back. That warmed my heart. I thought at the moment she was doing this for me, even if that wasn’t her real reason. You see, we weren’t really talking at that point so I didn’t know her real reason. But I thought, if she was doing this for me, how selfless is that?

Sunday was the breakthrough that I needed. My emotions flowed like a raging river. I expressed so many heartfelt feelings and cried so many tears for how much I’ve hurt Velvethammer. I am so lucky to have this wonderful woman after the torment I’ve put her through.

Since this weekend, we’ve continued our homework even though the communication style is a bit awkward. Regardless, we are pushing through it together. Relationships are hard work but are so worth it when you put forth the proper effort. I have to say that the intimacy that I feel toward Velvethammer is stronger than I’ve ever had with anyone in my life and even more so than even the first couple years of our relationship when things were so good. I am so grateful to her and to all the couples that shared their stories this last weekend. To know they volunteered their time, unpaid, to help others because they believe in the program and are proof that it works, it’s comforting to say the least. I’m humbled at their compassion toward us. Who am I to think that I’m better than anyone else and can get through this process without help?

I have always been a God believing man and a spiritual man but have really lost my way. Even though the seminar is God based it is not heavy. Real basic information and beliefs that even the everyday person has at some point been exposed to in his/her life. I know that these couples and Retrouvaille is a Godsend. At the end of the seminar during optional sharing, a young lady stood and read scripture from Matthew. She read quite a bit but the words, “the meek shall inherit the earth” rings so true to me today. Humility is a fundamental trait needed to survive relationships. Stop the pride and ego. Stay humble and true to yourself, your spouse and God. Stay meek because you will inherit the world. Velvethammer is my world.

(ETA to fix punctuation and returns for easier reading. sorry for the length)

[This message edited by SheHatesMe at 10:32 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

great post! Thanks for sharing.

the humility thing: that is difficult!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I just looked this up and there is one in February about an hour and a half away. It says $75 to register - what about staying there? Do you have to? I am worried about what we would do with our kids!!!! LOL


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Princess - yes you need to stay and no kids. You won't have time for them anyway and this weekend is about you and your spouse. No other distractions. We got about 3 hours of sleep both nights because we had to drive back and forth to let our dogs out or they would explode. We did use the time in the car to discuss, I bitched, we also listened to the audio book "Not Just Friends", etc.

rachel - About the 2 year thing...I don't choose that. I don't choose to spend two years unhappy and irritable over worthless skanks. Part of it is my personality from before this mess, part of it is the fact that that seems like such a waste and I'm sure part of it is due to the cancer testing I'm going through. If I am looking at limited time and let's face it, none of us know when we're going to go, I'm damn sure not going to spend it ruminating on sluts. Not saying I won't have bad days again but I am saying I'm going to fight against my triggers and I'm going to fight against that awful place I was in and I'm going to fight to be me again. The me that was positive and productive and loved life and laughed all the time. SHM can't fix me and he can't make me happy. Only I can do those things but I have to want them and fight hard for them and this past weekend gave me that boost I needed to get back into fighting shape.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks!

I was hoping we could just come home for the night. I don't mind leaving the kids home during the day with my oldest but don't think I could do it overnight. :/


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Princess - If you can swing them staying at a friend's or family member's house, it would be worth it.

Also, after speaking to SHM on the phone just now about some other things he noticed over the weekend, I remembered something post weekend that might be helpful. I became pretty irritated doing the homework Monday night. I'm not good at it yet and I resented the fact that SHM put us in a position to have to do any of this. I started going to the awful place and could literally feel the darkness taking over my body and I sat for a second and told myself to breath. Then I told myself to fight against it and asked, "do I want another bad night?" No. "Do I want to have a nice evening with SHM? Yes. So let the bad crap go - I said that to myself. Within a couple of minutes I was feeling much better and we had great evening.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
SheHatesMe
New Member
Member # 40425
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Princess -
I will have to second the comment by Velvethammer. Do all you can to leave your children with a family or friend. It will be hard to leave them overnight, I understand that, but maybe tell yourself that you are doing this for them, too. The friends that truly care will pitch in to help. Not only is this weekend about you and your husband, it's about your family and keeping them together creating a strong relationship centered around love, honor, commitment, and honesty. Your children would be so much better for it. IMO. I do not recommend going back and forth between home and the hotel. It could be so easy to give up or get caught up with everyday life taking focus away from where it needs to be - each other.


WBF slowly seeing progress

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 29