Topic: If your ex maried the AP....
Member # 27539
| Posted: 6:59 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
Please tell me how you've navigated the whole kids relationship? I know there isn't one right answer and every situation is different, but I'm struggling here.
My ex married the OW. She is NOT someone who I would ever choose to be influencing my kids (lifelong poor choices) but here she is. On the outside, she has been really nice to the kids and really hasn't overstepped any boundaries (well, other than fucking my husband). In fact, I will usually pass on info to her instead of ex because he is still a complete asshole to me and doesn't respond. Forgiveness isn't an issue, but I don't trust her as far as I could throw her. She directly hurt me with her actions, more even than the A (she spied on me, took pics of me, tried to frame me and make me look like a bad mom for the trial).
But playing nice (which I already do in public and around my kids) only benefits my kids.
Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 36445
| Posted: 7:09 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
Just continue to take the high road that is all you can do for your kids.
My ex married the OW a couple of months ago. The kids hate her. She is downright mean and nasty to them so I don't blame them. Plus they are both old enough to have worked out what their father has done. So it's easier to blame her then their father they are IC though.
I don't have anything to do with her. On occasion she has contacted me regarding matters, I am courteous but remind her that the children have 2 parents butt out. I continue my boundaries and go through the ex because at the end of the day she may now be their step mother (evil step mother) she is not their parent. She has interfered a few times and I have told the ex tell her to butt out or I will hang up the phone or go to my lawyer. It seems to put her back in her box
"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.
Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 33882
| Posted: 8:13 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
I agree with continuing to take the high road. I do that in front of the kids. It is not easy, especially when the sight of her makes me want to vomit, but I have to hold it together in front of my dds.
him (NPD Ex)
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
Posts: 2589 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 20150
| Posted: 8:20 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
Wow, million, I'd want to slash her tires after each encounter, but that's just me...
Don't know how you do it. Y'all are saints in my eyes.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Posts: 17392 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 33698
| Posted: 1:49 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
I talk to XWH only when absolutely necessary and do about 95% over email/texts. I treat him in a very detached manner and only see him about twice per month at pick up/drop off.
As for the Owife, I completely ignore her. She is not their legal guardian. She doesn't get to make any decisions about my children or give any input. If there's an issue with the kids, I discuss it with XWH, but we are civil enough with each other that discussions about the kids are possible. I have explained to the kids that she and I will never be friends, so they should never come to expect that, though they should be polite to and well-behaved with her. My kids are used to it, and the Owife typically keeps her distance.
Fortunately, I have only had to deal with her coming out and pretending that she cares about my kids when I do drop off/pick up; I never see her around town and have only seen her briefly from afar at one school event. I'm sure that will change, but I will continue to treat her as though she is a chair-- just an object of little consequence that I wouldn't think to acknowledge.
BS (Me) 39
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley
Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 30853
| Posted: 3:23 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
Mine hasn't married her yet, but he lives with her so my kids are around her EOW.
I've told my kids that I won't be friends with her, that I don't know her and don't really want to know her, but that i would never be upset if they liked her. No matter what, they know they need to be respectful to adults.
They don't like her. By all accounts she's an asshole to them. She never even put on the show to fake liking them or wanting to include them. In fact, she obviously excludes them from certain things and makes very clear that her and her kids come first. They put up with her because there is no choice, but they resent her for taking all of their fathers attention. One day, when they understand more, they will resent him more.
As far as my contact with her, I've had none. She's nothing to me. She's nothing to my children and that's the way it will stay. If she hasn't tried to build a relationship with them by now, it wil never happen.
I too try to stay civil with exdouche in order to communicate about the kids. Its hard, but i do it. Most conversations are by text or email and are very business like. I haven't seen him in months and like it better that way.
I've never seen her. I saw the back of her once. I unknowingly walked into a public place where they happened to be. She froze, like a petrified turd. Shes a big bully behind her computer keyboard and uses her gross personal blog to slam everyone who has ever said a negative word about her. In person, shes nothing but a coward. She never even turned around to acknowledge me or my kids. Had she done so, I would have acted like a rotten smell had crossed my nose. She deserves none of my attention. Ever.
On two occasions, I've had to inform my ex that i was told she said mean or cruel things to my kids. Interestingly, he never questioned it and he never defended her. That proves he knows shes a royal bitch and has seen her work. During the second call, I was clear to tell him that he won't get a third. I will go right to the source and unless she's prepared to shit out her teeth, she better keep shape up. That seemed to end it, hence, the reason why she treats my kids like furniture.
It sucks big time, but I have no choice in the matter. It won't always be this way. My kids will get older and, based on the way things are going, they will one day treat him and her like an obligation. They will one day have the choice and that's when all of this will bite those two pigs right in the ass.
BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.
Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 24518
| Posted: 6:45 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
My kids are young adults. Fortunately for me, I get to stay out of whatever relationship the kids have with their dad, and with the wifetress, other than the occasional conversation if one of the boys brings up the subject.
But, if I have to, I will only communicate directly with ex about the boys. Which hasn't happened in a couple of years, btw. It's so nice to be able to be NC.
Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Member # 36134
| Posted: 7:01 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
My XH married OW 2weeks after our divorce was final.
I did my best to parent as if he was dead. It was easier on my kids to know that I was the parent, he is their friend. At some point over the last 10 years he abdicated his parenting responsibility to her during his parenting time. The kids do not like having to go thru her to get to him.
NW is angry at me for ignoring her, she is nothing to me. I had to deal with the other parent, him. As a result of her being ignored, she does things to make sure I notice her-she drives by my house, threatened me on occasion. I do nothing but ignore her.
She isn't nice, I don't deal with people who don't treat me with respect.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 5092 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 36126
| Posted: 9:58 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
I think you have to deal with her in the way she costs the least stress. She is not worth the brain power. At the end of the day our spouses made a choice they are irrelevant.
That being said I would focus only on if they are a good parent to your child. Obviously for your ex that would be a good Dad.
The other stuff let go if you can it is the past and unless there is an explosion she will be there.
Take the high road because it is you and better for your kids. In the midst of adversity you rose above the fray.
I was told once because I am a nice person to look at the top of her head if I have to look her way. Your are looking at her but not really.
Your children's happiness is the key and stay above it all.
Posts: 974 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 26928
| Posted: 10:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)|
My kids are young adults. Fortunately for me, I get to stay out of whatever relationship the kids have with their dad, and with the wifetress, other than the occasional conversation if one of the boys brings up the subject. Ditto this. My kids were teens when XWH and I split up, so it was easier to navigate this for me.
When necessary, I comment that I would handle X or Y in a different manner, because lies or (insert inappropriate behavior here) will only get you so far before consequences find you.
So far my kids are pretty well adjusted.
Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.
Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 27539
| Posted: 8:25 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)|
Thanks for all the responses and sorry for the delay, I was reading everything via phone but you do NOT want me to try to post from my phone :)
I guess I mostly struggle w pride. It would be easier and probably more pleasant working through wifetress as ex is mostly an ass to me and already includes her on all emails and always says "we" and "us" in every sentence. She is really nice to the kids, they like her, but for a gazillion reasons she is not someone I'd leave my kids with by choice. But as I have no choice, it would be more pleasant and quicker to go through her, which in turn would benefit the kids.
example: my dd left her violin at ex's over weekend. Didn't figure that out until Tues morning. I sent a text to both asking if it was there and if either one could drop it by the school office. Wifetress responsed, sure no problem. Ex, no response (very typical). In the past, I would get a long email about how I should prepare the night before and then I would notice it beforehand. No shit Sherlock, but you forgot to send it home with her! These rants really don't affect me much anymore, but it is honestly nicer to not deal with his crap at all. BUT, I don't trust her, either she is being really fake to me (and I don't deal with fake) or she is really stupid (and I don't like to deal w stupid).
I feel like I need a one time consult with a family therapist. Can you do that?
Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 28851
| Posted: 9:48 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
My ex married the OW, who was also my best friend. She shows no respect or boundaries for my role as their mother, which I suppose is not surprising given her lack of boundaries with my marriage. She volunteers at school (also my workplace), attends parent teacher conferences, texts my kids constantly, shows up at every athletic event - she even volunteered for our parent fellowship board at school.
I maintain sky high boundaries. I refuse to acknowledge her. I think of her like a ghost that isn't there. Ex created an e-mail address just for correspondence with me that is "their" e-mail address, so that she e-mails me. I respond as little as possible, and only when absolutely necessary, as I know many of the messages are from her (they leave the e-mails unsigned, so that it's from "them").
It is what it is. I cannot control their actions and choices, only my response. On a good day, I am bemused by their behavior and her clear fixation on still "competing" with me. Most of the time, I shut it all out. I've done a lot of therapy.
Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Re-married a wonderful man.
Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 27148
| Posted: 9:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
Oh Geez Hoya, you deserve a gigantic gold medal. I am so sorry.
Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†
Posts: 2674 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 25957
| Posted: 11:10 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
Luckily wifetress hasn't weaseled her way into my DD's life all that much. However, XH does like to use "we" and "us" in emails. I just let it roll off my back. It's obvious he needs some sort of validation - quite pathetic if you ask me.
Wifetress is a non factor to me. She is completely irrelevant when it comes to my DD.
However, I do not bad mouth her in front of DD. I also try to help her navigate her relationship with her step-mother . This is for DD's benefit. But DD knows wifetress and I will never be friends. I have told her as such.
[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 11:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Posts: 1269 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 36307
| Posted: 12:51 AM, October 25th (Friday)|
Oh have the tires lashing fantasy all you want...just take the high road for your kids. If she is decent to them, that is one less thing to worry about while they are visiting.
Trust this old lady, it will only serve to help your kids.
BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34678
| Posted: 5:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)|
They live together and I, too treat her like a piece of furniture.
IF he should bring her here for visitation pick up I will 4 sure send her a No-Tresspass order.
WHEN he puts her on the phone I hang up.
WHEN I see them at school functions, I don't even look at her.
She used to be my friend and since the day I found out about the affair, I have not said 1 word to her.
She would LOVE a showdown and I won't give her one ---- she can have him!!!!
PLUS,,, I Know she is cheating on him!!!!
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:44 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Posts: 2126 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 35229
| Posted: 2:04 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)|
BUT, I don't trust her, either she is being really fake to me (and I don't deal with fake) or she is really stupid (and I don't like to deal w stupid).
My first instinct is that she has banned him from speaking to you. Y'know what happens when they live with or marry the OW, right? The OW position becomes vacant.
There is no way in hell I would communicate with OWUmpteen about my girls. She is a 24 year old idiot. Even if the next or next luuurve of his life comes along he won't be around too long (2-5 years max) so I won't bother either.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
|Topic Posts: 17|| |