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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: stbx wants to tell his side of story
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

What is there to tell? He cheated and has a girlfriend which is what I told our friends. Stbx wanted to join the friends, my daughter and me for a weekend activity. It felt odd and I figured our friends would feel awkward seeing him there given the circumstances. He wants to tell them his side of the story during the weekend activity. I said that creates an awkward situation for our friends. He asked why. I replied because the betrayed wife (me) will be there also. I told our friends about the girlfriend and cheating but not the knocked up part. He said he wants to tell them before our school-aged child does. Does this sound normal to you?

He also sent me a book entitled "Anger". I guess he thinks I have an anger problem. Why does he not understand that anger is a normal reaction to being deceived?


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

This whole situation does not seem normal at all. What could he possibly say? The truth? Most likely, he's going to blameshift, blame you, make up excuses, etc. No good will come of it.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I told him it's better that he not come. I said nobody would be comfortable but him.

It's a cloudy day and I feel a pit in my core. I feel uneasy today. Maybe because I got another rejection in my job search. I thought I would proceed to the next round.


Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Why can't he contact/see these friends on his own if he wants to explain himself? He doesn't need to be there at an activity where you will also be present, thereby making things awkward and uncomfortable for everybody.

He needs to contact them separately if this is the road he wants to go down, leaving you and your child out of it. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't want to hear it, but he'll find that out for himself if he tries.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
FieldsOfLavender
Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

After our brief discussion, stbx said he'd give them a call. I sent them an email to give them a heads up so that they're not totally caught off guard.

Posts: 198 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Fields,
This is the exact same reaction my WW gives when I mention the affair to someone..."did you tell them the whole story?" Granted she and I had our marriage issues, but since dday I am the controlling angry ass that forced her to do things and prevented her from being herself and never took care of her. The anger issue is the primary reason she says she started the affair and refused to work on our marriage.

My take on the anger is that they need to vilify us to feel better about the bad things they did. They see our anger as evidence of our "bad behavior"


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 725 | Registered: Aug 2013
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

My xh wanted to tell his side of the story, as well, to our daughters, especially. However, he never took time to do it. Daughters feel they already have his side of the story; after all, they lived it ! He lied and deceived them time after time. I'm thinking xh couldn't / can't be bothered with even writing them his side of the story because that would take effort. Your xh probably thought how much easier it would be for him to tell his (side of the) story when everyone was together, thus saving the expense of any extra energy required to talk with friends and family one to one. You know, like he really cares what anyone thinks. If he cared, he wouldn't have cheated, thereby taking himself way down the ladder of life.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

His side of the story: "I'm a lying, cheating arsehole."

It really wouldn't take him long to contact each person individually and tell them that.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2107 | Registered: Jan 2013
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Yep, X is similar and says a new mantra lately: "no one ever gets to hear the other side. " He went through a period of time contacting people who would still speak to him and he tried to tell "his side". It was the pity party all the way.

And what is there to "hear"?

Quite simply, they did it. No matter what is blamed on spouses, they did it.

Maybe this is a phase, like we BS go through?

ETA that I know X is trying like mad to get his former reputation back and maybe your STBX wants that too? He says "I have no agenda, now. I don't lie... now."

Who can believe a word, now?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:27 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 9