User Topic: I almost just lost bowel control
Member # 32554
Shocked  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Getting very close to The Divorce From Hell being final. Just got an email from my attorney, we may be done in about a month. When I saw that just now I seriously almost lost bowel control. Wasn't expecting that reaction. Now I'm feeling like I'm going to vomit.

Why am I having such a visceral reaction like this? Why not jumping for joy?

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 7th (Monday)


Because even though we desperately want it over and done with, it still hurts that it is (almost) final and absolute.

One more death and stab of pain on this shitty journey.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 7th (Monday)

...on this shitty journey

Quite literally.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I am so sorry. As much as I don't want wh back, every time I think of the divorce being final I feel sick to my stomach.

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filed for D, almost done!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 7th (Monday)


Posts: 11779 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I had a hard time also. Even though I was the one who did the paperwork and sent it in, (also a vomit-worthy moment), I had a very physical reaction when the innocent looking envelope came from the court saying it was done.

I think it's because even though it was the only possible outcome, it was hard because it was not an outcome I chose for myself. It was something chosen for me by someone I deeply loved and trusted, who I thought had my best interest at heart and of course turned out to be the exact opposite.

This was not my first marriage, my first wayward spouse, or my first divorce. Before I met XWH, I said I'd never get married again. After I married him, I said I'd never get divorced again. And I believed that with all my heart.

Now I truly mean it when I say I will never, EVER get married again.

So sorry you're hurting, NG.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 945 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, October 7th (Monday)

...on this shitty journey

Quite literally.

TMI alert!

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Must Survive
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 7th (Monday)

What GypsyBird said. Exactly!

WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 7th (Monday)


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 7th (Monday)


Nerves, anxiety and stress do very strange things to us - I've noticed I often get the physical symptoms after the storm has passed.

I guess adrenalin and survival mode gets us through the rough stuff then our body is free to react once the crisis passes.

One more month my friend. Just one more month.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 7th (Monday)

((Nature_Girl)) A lot of us have that visceral reaction, with physical symptoms to go with it. For me, it was the awful finality of the death of my marriage and so many dreams. It just sucks. I thought I was going to throw up in court but my lawyer got me in touch with the anger that had taken me through the divorce process, and that helped me get through the court appearance. The only other time I have ever felt that sick and shaky was after anesthesia. It is hard.

[This message edited by kernel at 8:33 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5329 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 7th (Monday)


When I went to the courthouse (by myself) to put the final nail in the coffin, and they asked me if the marriage was irevocably broken, I broke down into sobs so hard I couldn't breathe.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 16565
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Wow when I was asked if the marriage was irretrievably broken I said YES YES YES!

Funny how things happen but I am glad to be rid of the WW even if I have to still pay for many many more years.

[This message edited by pointmagnet at 10:03 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Me (BS): 55
Her (WW): 53
Married: Not any more
Children: Three of them
D-Day: 10/07/07; 12/15/12
Status: Trying to move on

Posts: 475 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: USA
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 7th (Monday)

Think of it like....

Sometimes you have to poop it all out to feel better. Sometimes you have to vomit it all up to feel better. I think it is totally normal to feel sick, it is a sick and discusting event in your life you didn't ask for and you dealt with it and it is almost over.

Once you poop and vomit- you are gonna feel a whole lot better!! Congrats to you!

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I remember you, NG...


I'm sure it will be jarring for me as well, when all is said & done...

BS/WW: Me 43 WH/BH: Him 45 (badchoice)
Me: EA/PA 1997 DDay 5/99 (see profile)
Him: See his profile-15/16 y LTA
2DS:5 & 11 my loves
You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I think this is totally normal. Our bodies respond to things. Divorce is a monumental thing. It's stressful. Your brain knows better, but you were together 20 years. You are human, with feelings, and not a robot. Sometimes your feelings come in all different ways.

(((Nature_Girl))) I can't wait for your post when you are jumping for joy. You are getting close to the light at the end of the tunnel. Yipee.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 7th (Monday)

I get it.. I was so nervous sitting in that court room to finalize our D. But when the judge asked if there were no way to reconcile this M and I said absolutely not, the relief was amazing.

It was over.


Finally free from the crazy person he has become!

It's the "getting there" part that affects us so strangely! I was so nervous and felt ill leading up to the mediation.. but when it came down to it I just powered through like I always do. You will too NG. It's ok to have unsettling emotions about this crap. Just know you will come out so much better on the other side!

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)

(NG). I was like that too. Once the final day comes you will feel some relief. Could you also be afraid that something would happen that would cause the divorce not to be finalized so soon?

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)


Consider this a self purge of the last of yuck, and filth of this human from your heart.

It is not unusual at all to have a strong gut reaction to such things. It's all part of the fight or flight thing. You are dumping the last of vile waste so that you can now fly and become the soaring Eagle you were always meant to be.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I would consider this your body's literal and figurative way of celebrating getting the shit out of your life and leave it at that.

Congratulations on the start of your NB.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

I get it. It's a yucky feeling.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

((((NG)))) we both have awful sexually perverse xwh's. My divorce was final today and my body also went out of my control. I couldn't stand and shook uncontrollably (not a jittery shake, I almost vibrated, it was awful and a little scary). I think it is the release of all the anxiety and fear one carries around about such men being in your life and near your kids. And all the hurt... So so much hurt.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. (((NG)))

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 1:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

Well I hope you soon feel joy from being finished with the crap that he put you through.

In the meantime, is there any way you could be sitting in his car when you finally let go. Just a little present to say goodbye.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

Posts: 3443 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)

In the meantime, is there any way you could be sitting in his car when you finally let go. Just a little present to say goodbye

What a fun thing to imagine!

And if I peed while doing it he'd probably get off!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)


I think the pain of this is so primal that your body takes over and deals with it the best way it can-to get rid.

Have you thought about taking a homeopathic remedy for this?

After DDay I felt really nauseous all the time and was popping about 10 times a day. I couldn't eat either.

My friend who is a homeopath prescribed me a remedy that really helped to calm my insides. Though I can't remember the name.

It might be worth finding out what you can take. I know rescue remedy helps to calm nerves too.

Sending you strength.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry, NG. I've been told it's nerves sometimes.

Even though we know it's coming, it was so hard for me to see the papers with our names in such capacity that I would throw up at first without any advance notice. I had to have a trusted relative read the papers for a time and describe them.

And seeing the pages in black and white is

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I find myself mulling my physical reaction over & over. I am left just gently shaking my head and reminding myself that I am still vulnerable. I am far from healed from the trauma of the abuse and the pain of the cheating. As I intentionally move towards integrating my emotions and my intellect, I need to accept that my body is now more free to react viscerally.

I had thought that as this nightmare drew to a close I'd get lighter & more joyous, similar to how I was when we separated. Instead I find I'm feeling heavier, darker and even depressed. I may be going through another anger phase. I'm also feeling frightened for my long-term future.

Gah. Another dark night of the soul phase.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)


My D was not particularly contentious. When it was finalized 5+ years after Dday I still had a good cry and very physical response to it all. I feel better now but it really hit me. Its a big deal. Your reaction seems with in the realm of normal for this crap.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8463 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

NG - I am sorry for the low. Alot of anxiety and fear can have that reaction. I am going to recommend a CD to you, that I seem to be telling everyone about because it is phenomenal. It is called "Guided Imagery to Help with Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal."

DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

I had the CD called Healing Trauma: Guided Imagery for Posttraumatic Stress a few years back and it really helped me. I had forgotten about this one. Nature, I used it when I was in agony and the CD was pretty deep. I didn't know how to meditate at all, but this CD really was great for me.

I will look for the Abandonment one, too. Thanks, Missy!

Not to t/j too much, but Nature, I'm one year out from divorcing my sociopathic sex- addicted abuser. (SSAA?) I'm still in therapy and it's working. You'll get through this. There are lots of stages, but things will get better!!!

Once the divorce was final, I did feel a lot of relief...I was shaky and crying heavily. But the queasiness was from the fear he still wouldn't leave me alone.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 31