User Topic: So what has your WS blamed you for
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, September 30th (Monday)

.......that caused the decline of your marriage!

It has now been nine months since I asked my STBXH for a divorce. He moved out Jan 6th. In that amount of time we have had a few arguments and I have heard all sorts of reasons/excuses/blaming for why our marriage failed and he was forced to have a 5 year affair with same OW. The reasons have nothing to do with him and everything to do with ME!!!! Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

1. There was no passion left (I felt it, he just didn't or wanted it with someone else because it was exciting)
2. I never initiated sex (we had sex every other day, always. It was pretty much set in stone. If we didn't one night, the next night was a given).
3. I was too controlling (this is just hilarious since he went everywhere. He worked 6 days a week, had a hobby that took him away from home damn near every weekend in the summer. He never had time for me and the kids)

I find it funny that if I was such a bad wife I can't imagine why he continued to stay in the marriage for 22 years, NEVER complained to me about any of this at the time and BEGGED to stay after each and every dday!!!

Please share!!!

BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Apparently the fact that I suck in air every day was enough to set off XWH off on multiple affairs.

I was blamed for:
-not doing dishes
-not cooking things the way he wanted
-not doing laundry
-doing laundry "incorrectly"
-not paying enough attention to him
-spoiling the kids
-not paying enough attentionto the kids
-not keeping the kids quiet
-not servicing his (often disgusting) requests in the bedroom
The list goes on.

What it really boils down to is, he cheated because he wanted to cheat. He's broken, he's the loser, and (from comments I've heard my kids make in passing) still continues his wayward ways to this day.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:11 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 30th (Monday)

BEGGED to stay after each and every dday

I still have a chuckle when I remember his begging/pleading. It wasn't at all funny at the time but looking back the tears were so contrived I would laugh out loud if it happened today.

A few weeks before S I confronted him how inappropriate it was to have a 1:1 lunch with (what I now know to be) OWUmpteen - she was his office gopher, he was considering making her his secretary. As I outlined what his actions were telling me he fell to his knees wailing "Oh my god - I'm SO SORRY!! I'm such an idiot - how did I NOT see how inappropriate it was. She means nothing to me - less than nothing. PLEASE, I beg you, don't give up on me. PLEASE be patient with me."

My thought at the time "Yeah right. You know exactly what you're doing and now I do too."

Apparently I was a shit wife because I didn't cook or drive. I asked if OWUglyIndian cooked or drove. Nope.

He also told me he cheated because I didn't love him. I loved him despite having any good reason to. I was an idiot like that.

I've since been cured of that affliction.

Later on it was because I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved. Read: Forgive and forget and lets start with a clean slate.

Got that right. I've never been fond of Glitter Farting Unicorns and giving him that clean slate didn't stop him from cheating again and again and again.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 4:09 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, September 30th (Monday)


Seriously, I am responsible for ALL of his woes.

No matter how long we're apart, I'm still the source of all of his problems.

It must be remarkable to be so devoid of responsibility.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 30th (Monday)

At first I was blamed for the A because I wasn't as nice to him as she was. This progressed to I was emotionally abusive for years...blah blah blah.
I know emotional abuse has nothing to do with stature, but he is 6'2" and weighs about 250. I'm 5'4" and won't say my weight, but I wear a size medium clothes. Many times when he wasn't getting his way in a disagreement or out and out arguement where he was wrong, he would tower over me shaking and mad. I'm fearless so it wasn't intimidating to me. But if anybody was emotionally abused it was definitely me and NOT him.
I treated him like a child and other times, it was I treated him like he was just a paycheck. I made him feel like he wasn't a man. Uhgggg this list goes on and on. Most of it blatant lies. He is now in a completely delusional state while living with his 20 year younger mistress.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I was also blamed for pretty much everything that has gone wrong for him in life. My personal favorite, however was "not allowing " him to partake in his cycling hobby.

He's had two bikes (one road bike and one mountain bike) since before we were married. They sat in our garage untouched throughout our entire marriage. We live right along a canal system with flat trails that are huge for road cycling. He never went one time. We also live along a mountain preserve with trails for mountain biking , again he never went once. I asked him many times why he didn't cycle any longer, even tried to nudge him to cycle with my friend's husband who goes every weekend. He always had an excuse. However, it was all my fault that he couldn't bike like he wanted to.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 5:16 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 920 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Oh, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is likely that the lists are pretty similar!

-I just settled for him
-I didn't want to have sex with him
-I was too controlling, even described as "Dictator" at one point
-I acted like he was just the guy to take out the trash
-Our marriage hadn't been good for years (however, we renewed our vows, he bought me a very pricey eternity band, we planned a cruise for this winter, he constantly told people how great he thought I was and how much he loved me...but it must have been really bad...)

They are all the same, just different faces.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, September 30th (Monday)

He told me just before he moved out in January that I was 'a shocking wife! Just shocking!' for the following reasons apparently:

1. I (like so many of you) was 'controlling' and wouldn't 'let him' have friends that I didn't know.

2. I was 'anti-social' - didn't want to stay up until 1am drinking with friends at their house, while our kids were begging to go home.

3. I didn't cook well

4. I was 'lazy' because I worked part time

5. I didn't exercise enough and had put on some weight (this, coming from Mr Huge who was nudging 120kg at the time)

6. I was 'an attention seeker' especially when he was close to death in the ICU and I'd sat by his side for 10hrs a day, 20wks pregnant. Apparently it was 'all for my own purposes'

7. I wouldn't agree to his increasingly weird requests in the bedroom so I was 'a prude'

So naturally he was 'driven' to have affairs - silly me!

Me 46
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS11 & DD7)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 180 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 36951
Funny  Posted: 9:45 PM, September 30th (Monday)

I was too attentive to our daughter. .. that's all he could come up with. .

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, September 30th (Monday)

Our communication problem was my fault. It was my fault for having a problem with our lack of communication. His excuse from the beginning was that I expected too much from him when it comes to conversations. He often said "I'm not a talker. I don't like to talk a lot". He could go on and on about what he liked and things he observed but as soon as the conversation went to something that wasn't about him or was about us it was INSTANT shutdown with a glazed-over, dead fish, thousand-mile stare. I was the cause of that lack of communication at the same time because I didn't like the way he communicated (according to the narc.) Basically I should never have told him that there was a problem and then there wouldn't have been a problem!

To make that argument even more stupid, his latest excuse is that our communication problem is why he cheated so I'm to blame for that as well. I've always been the blame for his affair. I'm also to blame for not feeling like he is apologetic. Just because he feels it's my fault doesn't mean he isn't sorry, right!?

I spent too much time and effort taking care of the house and children. This was his previous excuse for cheating.

He didn't do anything around the house or with the children because I failed to adequately communicate exactly what he was supposed to do and when.

I was too controlling. Somehow this doesn't contradict the last complaint I just wrote. I was both too controlling and at fault for not giving detailed instructions on what I wanted him to do.

I did not hug and kiss him enough. This was his excuse for cheating after he was kicked out. The excuses change with the season apparently

When I made it a point to hug and kiss him more it was my fault for not having done it from the beginning and making him "build up walls".

The same goes for sex. I failed to initiate enough and when I initiated more the problem was that I didn't always initiate. When I became the only initiator the problem was that I used to initiate less and that still bothers him. Yeah..there was no winning with him. But my fool self kept trying anyway.

What I blame myself for is catering to that miserable big-ass baby. I never complained about his pouting, his whining, his inability to be responsible and make reasonable decisions (particularly financial ones and career-related decisions.) I was so reluctant to complain that I actually learned depression-era survival skills to deal with the financial disaster he was creating for us. Now that disaster is all his.

He acted like a baby and I babied him. He asked for a mother-wife by day who could become nympho-wife at night and I flipped back and forth like a coin. What I should have done is forced that manchild to be a man. He wouldn't have actually become one but our relationship probably wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as it did because I wouldn't have boosted his ego pretending like he was someone he wasn't. I could have saved myself years of misery instead of coddling that asshole.

Just thought of another...I treated him like all I wanted was his money. It is totally irrelevant that from the day I found out about his "friend" until now his argument was that I shouldn't be upset with him because he pays all the bills. His money should be enough to excuse everything. Apparently I wasn't playing my appointed "gold-digger" role to his satisfaction. I am at fault for only want his money AND expecting more than money.

Nope, I couldn't win. I wish I hadn't tried.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 9:58 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, September 30th (Monday)

So Housefuloflove I could have written much of your post.

Amazing that so many of us rode the same crazy train.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I guess I'm the lucky one. The Princess will confess to no wrongdoing: None of the screwing around that I strongly suspected, not even the threesome that I saw emails about. She just did nothing wrong, and I'm crazy and paranoid for even thinking she would do any of that stuff. You can imagine how relieved I was to get that diagnosis.

The fact that I suffered emotional abuse for our entire 17-year marriage is just more proof of how crazy I was.

Here's what I did wrong: After a lifetime of undiagnosed major depression, when I was convinced that she would leave me, I tried to kill myself. That's my fault. She thought everything was good. When I did that, I was the one who had tried to leave HER.

So my biggest crime was to have a mental illness. I'm such an asshole.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Everything was my fault, no matter what it was. And, if you asked him today, he'd blame me for every bad thing that has occurred in his life since we divorced 10 years ago.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

We are all in the same boat , male or female. Stories are so similar when I read them that it is scary! My stbxww said all the same , I wasn't nice to her, I was mean, I didn't listen! You should have known!? You are an abuser , you want to control me , you have problems, I stopped loving you 6 ,5,3 ,2 yrs ago! Which fucking one???? Whatever. It took a while to realize the bullshit lies! I was none of those! Far from perfect and at times we had arguments like all , I still listened, bought flowers monthly, cooked , cleaned, and gave her apparently too much freedom! I am convinced I was the opposite of that stuff. I think they all just need to justify their disgusting actions to themselves, their family , their friends , if I was capable of actions like my stbxww I might do the same but thank god I am not.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Well......I find it remarkable that most WS simply point to their spouse and find fault without looking in the mirror and see their own faults and the real reasons!

I was talking about this very thing with a close friend of mine and I told her that if I had put my foot down about wanting to be more than a mother, prostitute, cook, cleaning lady, laundromat, babysitter, etc. to my husband from the very beginning, my marriage would NEVER have lasted as long as it did!!!!

Truth be known, I really don't think he ever wanted to be married to begin with. This is something he will never admit. And so, I will continue to be blamed for his shortcomings as a husband and the decline of our marriage.

BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)


Everything that has ever gone wrong in his life up till now is my fault...he he!!!

It's no wonder that I am moving on my merry way.. the OW can have him! She'll be the next one he'll be blaming for all of his troubles...

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 512 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
New Member
Member # 39273
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Not letting her be we now see what "herself" is really like

Trying to control her...(not remotely true) but I guess someone had to as she has proven she has no SELF control

Not liking the piercing she got in her me on this one, a 40 year old woman with a fake diamond embedded in her neck, but I guess she wanted to break free from the kids as well as they were embarrassed by it

Not liking her Pinterest site...well someone had to cook and clean and take care of the kids while she played

Not understanding her...again got me on this one. I dont understand a 40 year old mom of four starting to do weed and staying out all night

Being emotionally abusive...yeah, I truly loved her but since that is a foreign concept to her, I guess it seemed a little weird

Not giving her "space"...there is not enough space in the known universe for that massive self centered narcissistic ego

Not meeting her needs...other than being a faithful loving husband and good provider, I just could not find a way to meet her need for a different d**k.

I could go on.

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)


Seriously, I am responsible for ALL of his woes.

No matter how long we're apart, I'm still the source of all of his problems.

It must be remarkable to be so devoid of responsibility.

Yep, me too.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17687 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 39074
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Let's see...
• I was a good mother, just not a good wife (although he never expanded on what didn't make me a good wife)

• I wasn't as fun as I used to be. Guess it's because after we had our daughter, we weren't able to drop everything we were doing and go out and do whatever we wanted at any given time. Never got a real explanation for that one either.

3. I was too controlling. Which is a total joke. He could do anything he wanted. He had many expensive hobbies that I never said a thing about. He went on baseball trips every summer with his friends. He pretty much was never home, due to work, hobbies and friends, but somehow, I was too controlling for him. In addition to working a full time job, I was the one always home, taking care of our daughter, fixing his meals, doing his laundry, while he was hardly every home. And he viewed this as controlling?

•He said we had just grown apart and he was working on changing himself for the better but I wasn't. WTF?! HIs changing for the better in his eyes was losing weight and dressing better so he could further his relationship with the slut.

•He said that it was always my way or the highway. I almost laughed out loud when he told me that.

He once said, "Look around this house! What do you see that is mine?" I really had no response for that, considering we had bought everything in our house with money that we both earned from our jobs. And we had picked out everything we bought and agreed upon everything we bought. He was just reaching for excuses at this point.

And now, he lives in a house that OW had bought with her ex-husband a few years ago; in a house full of furniture that was not bought with one penny of his money, but with her money and her ex-husband's money. In a house where he literally had not one say in one piece of furniture in it. He took nothing from our home when he left. Because he knew exactly what he was doing. Because OW, after kicking out and divorcing her husband, had a house sitting there waiting for him with all of her's and her ex-husband's stuff in it. So now I wonder if he ever says to her, "Look around this place! What do you see that is mine?" Yeah, I doubt it. He is such a joke and a total loser.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Kentucky
New Member
Member # 37703
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)

What did I do wrong? well I,

1. only cared about money and him fixing up the house, all I saw him as was choreboy and bank account. - maybe I cared about money because I had to pay all the bills cause he couldn't take the stress of juggling all the credit cards he racked up on his own for his hobbies, cared about him working cause he had a little habit of walking off his jobs whenever the whim hit him, and had the nerve to ask him to fix a toilet or change the car oil instead of waiting for the septic or car to blow up from neglect.
2. Demeaned and didn't support his hobbies - His photography hobby, a big expensive camera just to take 600 pictures of the cat, or a sunset, or some building, I still have a place on the wall waiting for that once good picture of our son he never took. And before he left I had 2000.00 saved to buty him a new camera for Christmas - had to spend that on the divorce tho. His watch-repair hobby - lots of little bits and pieces that he lost interest in a month later. His knife-making hobby, - again, lots of money for a total of two knives made. Just call me unsupportive.
3. Controlling - see 1 & 2 above. yet I encouraged him often to go spend time with friends out of town, join clubs, and was generally OK with his hobbies until he lost interest in them over and over again.
4. I was too quiet, felt like I didn't have time to listen to him, I turned off - I am a quiet person but that is why we were good together for so long, he talked, I listened. Sometimes he overfilled my memory banks with little details and I eventually drifted away to do chores- you know those things that still have to get done at the end of the day?
5. Didn't offer intimacy often enough - he said this yet forgot that it was he who had "finishing" problems and asking for intimacy too often just got him frustrated, so my answer was to let him "build up" a little so he could have a garenteed success - so no, of course I was not frustrated to have to think of his ego and needs before mine, save my wants for his timing.
6. I cared more about our kid and kid's friends than him - can we say jealous of a child much?
7. I was an abusive wife - yes, because I had to control the finances for him, control my sex life for him, and say no every once in a while when life got in the way of doing nothing all day, u can say I am controlling - but not by choice.
7. I caused his bipolar, without me he has no symptoms - since our divorce he has lost two jobs, currenlty unemployed, divorced already from OW second-wife, went bankrupt, lost his truck, was Baker-acted again to psych facility. We have been divorced 1 year and 3 mths so far.

"I shall Forgive and Forget.
Forgive myself for being stupid and Forget about you."

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Central Florida
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I "wasn't meeting his man-needs".
Didn't matter that 5:00am, deep in REM sleep was not my high point of sexual energy, and at bedtime he was either watching TV catatonicly or snoring, or that when I begged him to make love in the morning he shrugged me off to go have brekkie with his business partner - EVERY DAY. Nor was being yelled at or given the silent treatment my idea of foreplay. In spite of that, we still had sex several times a week if not every day, and I only refused him ONCE in 43 years - after I knew he was screwing around.
He is still telling everyone he can this lie. His last word on the subject was an email to me saying that he hoped and prayed I would learn to take care of a man both in and out of his pants.

I, too, was too controlling. I wouldn't let him wear his black socks rolled down over his white ones. (Sorry for laughing - I thought it was a joke)

I didn't allow him to drink.
(we were abstainers from the get-go - never knew he wanted to!)

I got the "my way or the highway" speech too. unfortunately, when dealing with a passive-aggressive, SOMEBODY has to make decisions/take action when one partner refuses.

I was unsupportive. Because I asked questions like "how are we going to pay for this?"

All in all - its all garbage, justification, entitlement and excuses to enable him to look in the mirror. I was not perfect, but I was pretty darn close. I was an awesome mom and an even better wife to someone who did not deserve me.

True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

- Not being a mind reader when I was supposed to have been
- Not being able to control the recession
- Apparently not supporting her in her work. I never complained that she had to travel. And I let her go chase the job and promotion she wanted while I took care of our son.
- Not being excited about life because my father died, my mother got cancer two weeks later (which stress caused me to get shingles), I had a 9 day hospital stint for a kidney problem and had a kitchen accident that spurred two emergency room visits. Yeah I was a bit depressed that year.
- the fact that she was the bread winner and her job was throwing money at her left and right and my business wasn't. Guess that's my fault.
- That I wasn't feeding her ego or praising her enough for her need for validation.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Let's see...

Apparently telling him that I didn't want to have sex during my period was rejecting him.
Having sex at least twice a week wasn't enough.
He wanted oral sex.

But it all boils down to,
I failed Mind-Reading 101, because he never expressed any of these needs.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

a big expensive camera just to take 600 pictures of the cat,

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Ha ha ha. This is so funny that they all pretty much convince themselves of the same justifications.

-if we are controlling then they must be weak
-if we are not meeting their "needs" they must also not be meeting ours
-if we are treating them like handymen/handywomen then they must not be showing much interest in the house on their own
-if we can't read their minds, then they must be caowards and shit communicators

Seriously, a cheater is a cheater. THey are not HONEST and that includes being honest with themselves. I guess it is pretty simple to be a douche.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I have a letter WH wrote me a week or so before DD#2. Despite his fervent desire to torch it now, I'm keeping it. It's the perfect example of just where his head was for most of our marriage. In it, he accused me of lots of things, including:

1. Being too "selfless," which he insinuated was being deliberately martyr like.

2. Being hard to get along with, because I wanted to talk and resolve the issues we were having 11 months post the first DD.

3. For not realizing he had been unhappy for "a long, long time."

4. For being hard to talk to about his long term unhappiness.

5. For being too responsible, which was contributing to his long term unhappiness.

I found out about the second set of EAs with three different women two days later, which had been going on for five months at that point.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
New Member
Member # 40285
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

I was blamed for....everything!!!!
1. His drinking. He drank because I was home or he would pick a fight to give him an "reason" to drink.
2. His affair. I wasnt affectionate enough. I didn't have his "back". I didt want to have sex with him.
3. Finding out about the affair. He was so careless that it wasn't as if I had him bugged.
4. The ending of our marriage. From him...."Everyone else cheats and they get to live happily ever after. Why don't I?"

I could go on, but I think the point is made.

Me: 32
WH: 32
DD: 3
Married 5 years
D-Day 1: April 11, 2012 (1st OW) - never really ended
D-Day 2: Oct 2012, last straw was July 8, 2013 (2nd OW)
Status: Separated

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

As our marriage disintegrated, I was blamed for things all the back to our honeymoon. Things I had never heard, never knew.

According to her, the entire marriage was bad, all 25 years of it.

I so wish I'd not wasted her time.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I was blamed for the following:

1) Being signed off work for two months with mild work related depression in Spring of 2012.
Spending those two months at home dropping off and collecting the children from school and doing household chores so that WW didn't have to. She said she resented me for doing the stuff with the kids that she wanted to do.
2) Forcing her to have an affair
3) Forcing her to work fulltime so that we could afford a chosen lifestyle
4)Finding out about the affair
5)Proving that my suspicions were correct
6) She had no choice but to have an affair. It was my fault. I drove her onto the cock of another man.
7) I wanted sex too much so she has a physical affair with another man and has to put out even more for him.

Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Cliche after cliche:

Too controlling (she once called it "nurturing")

Not enough "space" (I told her to go,out with her friends; I'd watch the kids, as I always did. )

Suffocating ( I told her to take a trip with some girlfriends; have fun)

Didn't appreciate how hard she worked (begged her to quit her job as it was clearly stressful for,her and was adversely affecting our family, taking her away from the children. Told her we would downsize our life if we needed too. No problem. Told her to take a year off. Told her I'd support anything she was interested in; e.g., going back to school)

I forced her to have an affair

I made her move out. Twice. (I begged her not to go and then to please come back.)

Just on and on. Sickening.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

It was my fault because:

I made him marry me.

I wouldn't let him have ow as a friend.

All we did was fight.

I was trying to control him.

I wanted him to wear his wedding ring.

I lost to much wieght.

Nothing he did was good enough for me.

I was never happy with what he gave me.

List goes on and on..

And the latest: Because I checked his phone.

The all time big one: HE CAN'T TRUST ME!

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I can relate to everyone of these lists. especially

1. being controlling
2. not meeting his needs


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

All of this stuff needs to go in the affair Fog handbook.

Some of this crap, though ridiculous and sad, is also hilarious because of its contradictoriousness (I know that cannot be a real word!)

7) I wanted sex too much so she has a physical affair with another man and has to put out even more for him.

I was unsupportive. Because I asked questions like "how are we going to pay for this?"

- Not being able to control the recession

5. For being too responsible, which was contributing to his long term unhappiness.

The all time big one: HE CAN'T TRUST ME!

And the list goes on and on and on and ....

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I got a new one this past weekend.

I am being blamed for why her seasonal allergies are so bad this year. Aparently I don't deep clean enough when I clean the house.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I spent too much time on the computer. Never mind that often it was for work. And my computer was in the living/main room. I also didn't spend enough time with the family and focused too much on sports. Never mind that my sports events started at 9-10 at night on Sundays when everyone else was sleeping, also never mind that almost every waking moment when I wasn't at work or driving to/from work I spent it with my family it still wasn't enough. I also didn't help out enough around the house. Never mind that I was moving a few tons of stone and built a stone retaining wall for our garden and filled it with dirt all with a broken rib. I just didn't help out enough.

I think they just find excuses for their affairs and try to justify it so they don't have to face the reality of what they did.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

I failed Mind-Reading 101, because he never expressed any of these needs.


I honestly can't believe the stuff that came out of his mouth.

We didn't like the same movies.

I didn't like sports.

I didn't want his brother to be the best man at our wedding. (Really??)

He hadn't loved me in years.

I was never happy.

We grew apart.

I should have known he was unhappy. (even though he never expressed that he was.)

I could go on and on with ridiculous nonsense. In one breath he'll say I did nothing wrong, I was a good wife, he shouldn't have cheated. And in the next breath he'll say something completely retarded.

It didn't matter what I did. Everything was always my fault. Breathing...exsisting....How dare I?

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

<====== Used too many paper towels.

I think I may have single-handedly caused global warming.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Oh, I forgot, among the list of my most terrible flaws contributing to her "unhappiness in much of the marriage":

I played too much Xbox. (Guess I should have been at strip clubs instead.)

I chewed too much nicotine gum. (I guess I should have smoked.)

I didn't want her to have leather seats for our new car. (We didn't have much money at the time.)

I was impatient when teaching her how to use a computer.

I didn't want to visit Cambridge after an exhausting (and wonderful( afternoon walking all around Boston.

I am truly a monster! She really had no choice...

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)

Ummm, everything.

BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
New Member
Member # 38901
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, October 5th (Saturday)

Pretty much blamed me for everything: Top blames:
1. When we flew to London (note after 18 hr flight/stopovers) I didn't go with him to have a drink - I had a 2 hour sleep. He had to have a drink with a crazy Irishman.(last in London 14 yrs ago!! He insisted I rest because I was also poisoning!!
2. He used to sing...but I was jealous of him so he stopped....note stopped 25 yrs ago
3. you are the reason why I don't have a relationship with my brother & sister. Note no one has a relationship with these people....WH said they never do anything. Note their mother died in 2011 & they couldn't even help with funeral details. That was left to WH, me & step-siblings
4. I wouldn't give him a back massage @ 10 pm even though I had promised in the morning. Note I was studying & looking after children. Never offered me a back massage.
5. I didn't pick the car he had chosen for me....yes dear i didn't want that car.
6. .....the list goes on.

The bottom line is they are very selfish individuals who need to blame others because they cannot look at own internal problems.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)

Our faults are all so strikingly similar- it makes me feel better about myself!

1. You didn't allow "me to be me" (I guess if a grown man acting like a 15 year old boy is "him" - then I am unreasonable.)

2. Trying to control who he could be friends with- when I asked him to discontinue contact with his OW.

3. Our whole marriage was a "sexual sahara". Ouch! I really tried to fulfill his needs. Even when I had 7 children and was working full time and doing all the house and child care.

4. Only caring about money because in my divorce papers I asked for child support and alimony. I suppose I should not expect anything after 32 years of marriage. (Can you call years of his double life, secrets, lies and cheating a marriage?)

Etc, etc, etc, etc,

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 10th (Thursday)

Everything negative in his entire adult life.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 40815
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)

My WS says I never kept a clean house, my cooking became terrible, I never responded when he was wanting ... I never listened...all a bunch of crap! I wasnt a great housekeeper, but our home was liveable. One of the things he kept saying after I found out the truth was that I was a great cook. And the only time I ever turned him down for sex was if he was asking when I was trying to leave to go somewhere. Yet he ignored my needs plenty of times. Its funny how they have to find something to make their affair your fault. I was faithful to my husband! He said he had been in love with this person for over 12 years. Somehow its supposed to be my fault?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)

I Remembered Another One.
I Was Hard To Live With Because Everytime We Disagreed, I Ended Up Being Right And He Always Ended Up Being Wrong.My Response: Don't Talk About Something YoU Know Nothing About.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 17th (Thursday)

He told me that he tried to let me know "in his own way" that he was unhappy but I didn't pick up on it.

He had to tell me all these awful things like he never loved me because he was just trying to get out.

I didn't try hard enough to learn his language. This was so that I could talk to his parents and he could avoid them.

He thought about leaving me 10 years ago.
Um, that would have been 6 months after we bought a house together and when I was about 3 months pregnant.

I'm not sure if these are exactly blaming examples but, there you go.

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1422 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 45