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User Topic: You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it.
mixedintherut
Member
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I have read this more then once on SI.

I am curious. Has anyone filed D, before their WS came around?

How long did it take you to file D? How long did it take your WS to come around at that point?


DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I filed for divorce in July, he is coming around now (wants to talk) and the divorce will be final in November. I wish I did it sooner.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I filed in June 2008, he started coming around in September 2008. The D was final in November 2008.

He didn't really have a "Come to Jesus" for about 16 months, but by then - it was too late.

I think he would still be trying to eat cake if he could.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

This is the thing, though, mixedintherut. You have to be willing to end the marriage. This isn't a game. I will move here, so he will move there.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

It's a huge gamble. I was going to do it. I started talking to attorneys at the time. I wanted to throw the papers at her so she saw that I MEANT BUSINESS!!! I'm a "nice guy" so it's easy for me to feel like a pushover. In the end, I caved because I couldn't afford it.

If you're doing it to get a reaction, you maybe wasting money. You can download the forms online for about $60, fill them out and then throw it at him. See what he does.

Right now in my case when she sounds like she doesn't want to be married, I tell her...call an attorney, get the papers and then we'll talk. She won't do it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I see this as more mental than "logistical".

Being willing to end the marriage, willing to lose the M, willing to move on as a person alone, allows you to let go of things that might be holding you back in doing what you need to do. It takes the focus off the WS and on you, which in some cases causes the WS to look at themselves finally instead of looking at the BS or fighting with the BS or blaming the BS, the BS is removed from the equation.

In our case I did not even know about my H's infidelities, did not know what a 180 was, but I was "done", I had finally given up the M and was working on my exit plan, doing the 180. This focus on "me" and no longer focusing on the M and H, no longer trying to be the best W, the best housekeeper, best whatever H needed, but just being the best me, caused him to finally look at himself in a way that caused him to "do" something. For us, part of that "do" was D-day of his own voilition and a 180 of his own, but not towards me, but towards himself and his old ways.

All this (being willing to walk away from the M) was not done with an ulterior motive of saving the M in our case, and I think that really is the goal, not to save the M, but to work on yourself and take care of yourself, if the M is saved then you are a stronger, better you and if the M is not then you are a stronger better you, ready to handle life on your own.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
omgnome
Member
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

DDay #1: 4/17/12
DDay #2: 6/28/12
Me Moving Out: 9/5/13
Wife's first IC: 9/10/13

On DDay #2 I told my wife that I needed her to go to counseling amongst other things. She gave me transparency but did nothing else about repairing the damage to her EA until she came home from work on the 5th to find me gone. As soon as the IC office opened the next morning she had made her appointment. Up until then she had decided that she would rugsweep and hopefully it was just go away.

I know it's not filing for D, but it took that in order for her to come around. The trouble is that I don't know if it is still possible to save our marriage.

*edited to add* - I didn't leave to save my marriage. I did it to save myself. I think sometimes NC, the 180, and filing can be seen as tools to get back our WS. They really aren't. They are tools to get back ourselves. To reclaim who we are.

[This message edited by omgnome at 4:02 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BS

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Those first few months post dday it was mostly about trying to save the marriage. The 180 was mostly for my sanity at that point though and I wasn't quite at the point of trying to work on myself yet.

It takes many months, possibly at least a year or even longer to decide to heal yourself for real. Your wounds are too fresh post dday to do anything more than a very nervous 180.

Mine were anyway.

Now, 13 months later, I have enough perspective to accept losing the marriage, accept a different future whether good or bad, and accept my new moods, my new wants and accept my OLD self too as there was nothing wrong with that woman.

There really was nothing horribly wrong with who I was as a person, and who I was as a person in that marriage.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 5:07 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

I should add, I filed to protect myself and my son, not to save the marriage. Me filing was showing him that I was done and ready to let the courts dictate what was fair regarding our child. I did not want to file for divorce, but I refused to be in limbo while he was doing whatever he wanted. I wanted to be free and eventually date again and meet the guy for me who wanted to be married to me.

Mine just wants to talk, so I don't know if I qualify as him coming around. However, our divorce is imminent and he has been trying to reach out to me. Mine is scared of me, scared of my anger... He is essentially a little bitch inside but since I let go, I guess my anger has faded and he feels comfortable enough to talk to me now.

If you are going to file for divorce, file because you are done... Not to see if your wayward comes running.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

On Dday, I kicked WH out of the house. He went to live with a relative in the neighborhood. He continued contact with OW for months.
I couldn't decide if I wanted to R or not. I was so blindsided & so devastated. I felt so between a rock & a hard place.
Wanting to keep the family together for the kids sake won out, but at a great sacrifice to myself, because I would never R with someone who cheated on me.
Even tho I love WH.
Because WH would not stop contact with OW, it took my going to see a lawyer, then taking off my wedding ring & handing it to him, & then finally making the appt with the Divorce mediator, to finally jolt him out of his fog. I never got to the point of filing, but was on the way there.
I was willing to end the marriage because I can not be in a marriage with 3 people in it.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Wish I had done it that very day I found out. I was stupid and took him back with hopes of finding out the truth. 9 years still no truth and I am certain I will never get it now. I have heard that the WS is much more willing to come clean when they know it is final.

Plus, had I filed for divorce it would have given ME more of a chance to decide if I wanted to stay or leave. I could have had much more time to make that decision on my own. I am sure if that had taken place I would have NEVER taken him back.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 9:56 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

In my case, I think my SAWH was shocked I'd actually talked with a lawyer. I also told him I was locked and loaded. I even said "You want a divorce? Let's go. I have an appointment already set up for next week. [I did, in fact, have an appointment in order to update my lawyer and give him some paperwork I had copied before I confronted SAWH just so I could get it out of the house].We can be divorced in as little as three months."

I wasn't kidding around...and he knew it. I did come very close to making that call to let it rip. Why did I hold off? Many counselors and advice givers said this: I don't think anyone should make decisions when they aren't in their right mind or out of anger because you will carry this with you and you will always associate this feeling with this decision. I wanted to get to the place where he and i would be able to co-parent the children (who are still quite young) and not hate one another. I think we have gotten there. We're still not officially a couple again but I am more hopeful these days. And no matter what happens in the end, we will be able to be friends. I really do believe this.I'm on good terms with all of my former boyfriends (not that I talk with any of them regularly).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I talked to the attorney, I was ready to file. I was serious and planned to divorce him. I didn't see it as a tactic. The only reason I didn't was that he made a serious commitment to change and followed through with his actions.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I wish I had done it. I had ws standing at attention when I told him to leave on DD, but I backed off. We may have had a chance if he thought he was losing life as he knew it. I didn't though and now he's got 4 more yrs added to their A. Now I don't want him and he is even more involved with her.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
shockandeww
New Member
Member # 40335
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

Three months after learning the man was "unhappy," things weren't adding up (odometer readings, excessive grooming, weight loss). I contacted a lawyer for a consult.

We were in an awkward spot and I was walking on eggshells. Once I heard "unhappy" all bets were off. A few weeks later I got independent confirmation that the man went to lunch with a woman then back to her place for a few hours. I filed a few days later then confronted him and told him I had filed. He said she was a "good friend" and that he knew I would be jealous so he didn't tell me. (She is his medical assistant.)

I told him a million times that even though I filed I hoped the filing would die out of the court system and we would work things out. (I even told him that was why I did not have him served.) He dropped our chances of the marriage working from 25% to 1%.

We limped along for four months, with him sort of acting like things may work. What he really did was begin to sneak around and ramp up activity with "good friend." (He must have thought he was soooo smart.)

Four months after initial filing - I was still in a bit of denial about his relationship with her - I caught him myself at what had become their usual pickup/dropoff spot. (He didn't know I knew.) He finally admitted that yes, he was having an affair, and started sleeping on the couch.

I told him I planned to serve him and he asked for a few days to "process things." He didn't say a peep about any of it several days later. So I brought it up. Got some runaround and crazy talk.

After he told the kids - when they asked for the 20th time where he was every Wednesday afternoon, his half day - that he had been spending time with "good friend" and told me "I knew I should have f'ing left a long time ago" I knew I had to be done. So I served him. (I told him I was going to.)

At one point he said he didn't like ultimatums and admitted that his pride was greater than his love for me. (He didn't take kindly to being "sued" by me because after xx years of practicing medicine he had never been sued, blah, blah, blah.)

20 months after filing, 16 months after serving and 4 months after officially becoming a single divorced mom of two I still question the sequence of events: Should I have confronted, then filed? Not filed? Tried something else?

In the end, though, he knew I had filed and continued to slink around with his friend. He refused counseling, would not transfer her to another office, showed no real signs of remorse. So I think the outcome was always going to be the same.

It really, really stinks. Broke my heart into a million pieces. I would have done just about anything short of allowing him to pal around with his friend to save my marriage. But I guess it was never really up to me.

I suppose I was willing to give up the marriage, but after 24 years together and 16 years of marriage I sure as hell didn't want to.

Being the one to file did give me a little sense of control over my life. In the end I did not get what I wanted but it was probably inevitable.

And that "good friend"? He testified at deposition that their relationship had evolved into one of a romantic nature. Imagine that!

One bright spot: I'm not awake until 4 or 5 a.m. Saturdays and Sundays waiting for him to come home from "playing poker."

Being alone is better than being with someone who didn't want to fight for me or our marriage.

[This message edited by shockandeww at 6:38 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I think that sometimes it is true. But really, I think it is more likely that for those who are really willing to end the marriage, they get divorced and never want the WS back, even if they want to come back. That is what happened in my first M.

In my second M, yes, I was willing to end the M. I had even called a D lawyer that next day after D-day and planned to go right ahead with it. But because of fast and immediate action on my H's part, I agreed to give him another chance, at least for a brief time, and more because I was "curious" what he would do (I expected him to fail).

But he dumped the OW like yesterday's garbage, pulled himself out of the gutter and made his life about showing me he could be a man who deserved me for a wife. He surpassed my expectations by far, and we are still together 7 years later, closer than ever, actually.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

What Grace said above. Just as much mental as logistical. When you get to that point (sometimes I am there, sometimes not), you are not afraid of saying what needs to be said or doing what needs to be done. You don't take blame. You see more clearly what you have and what you want. You are able to enforce boundaries. Etc.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I filed for divorce very shortly after dday, of course h had moved out to pursue "perfect life" with ow.

I did not want it, cried the entire time at the court house. I had to do it for my sanity. If he was done, I knew that I had to start building a new life for myself and that was the first step.

He was served with the papers. About 2 weeks later he ended a.

Did being served have any effect? I honestly don't know. I really believe that now matter what I said or did would not have influenced him one way or another. I was irrelevant. He had to face himself before he could even remember that I existed.

I filed for d for me, for my survival. I believed we were done. He said he was done with me and I believed him, probably because I don't say such devastating words lightly, I mean what I say.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1428 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

This is the thing, though, mixedintherut. You have to be willing to end the marriage. This isn't a game. I will move here, so he will move there.

Yep.

After I found his so-cute emails in June of last year, I told him I wanted a divorce because I KNEW it was unacceptable and I couldn't put up with that. But I wasn't there in my heart yet. He actually filed to beat me to it, after he found out I had seen a lawyer.

But he didn't wake up until I had the mental shift where I really was ready to stop trying and move on. You can't fake it; they just KNOW if you are. You have to really be ready to leave in your heart and mind. And they may never wake up. But even if they don't - at that point you're ready to move on, so you're better off in either circumstance.

ETA: Or, I could have just written, "What Grace said," because she said it better than I could have.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:35 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

As Kris Kristofferson wrote and Janice Joplin sang so well: Freedom is just another word for having nothing left to lose. When you free yourself from the M, you have nothing to lose in the relationship with your spouse. You are freed to say and do the things you need to do to take care of yourself; you are free to engage in conflict with your spouse without worry of the outcome.

Nothing after dday should be done to elicit a response from our WS. We should do what we need to do to care for ourselves and children. You do not file to get your WS to turn around, you file or separate, or 180 to protect yourself from a WS who has not turned around. If that WS does eventually turn around and start being someone safe, and maybe even attractive to stay with, then it is the BS's prerogative to continue down the path to separation and D, or to wait and see.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

After Dday, we had agreed to R. Not to try to R, but to R. I had set my rules, and expectations, and consequences.
However he kept breaking NC, and the hiding it. It took me a while to find my strong. When I did, I placed a keylogger on the computer, and within 24 hours had my proof.

Simply, this wasn't a game, this wasn't a ploy, this wasn't to save my M. This was "I am done".
I very calmly returned home from work, where I had read the email exchange between the two. I handed him my wedding ring, said I knew he was still in contact with her, and was planning yet another time to meet up. Go ahead, call her, set it up, I am done. Very Calmly I said all this. No tears, no questioning, no begging. Pack your shit and go. Get out. I will contact you later this week to set up a time for you to see the kids. I am done.

THAT MOMENT, THAT was the ONE when he FINALLY got it. He spent the next bit getting his toiletries together, going to the basement to find a box, snot running down his face, actual boohoo crying. That was when he realized I did this, this is all on me. I ruined a marriage with a woman who loves me so much that she was willing to give me another chance, I won't see my kids everyday, she won't be a doormat anymore.

I can say that he actually never left the house. After he packed for a while, and boo hoo'd and packed some more, I went in and said, you seem to finally get it. It's sad that it took me getting to this point for you to finally see. He begged me for one last chance. I gave it. From that day forward it was different.

But yes I reached the point where I was done. I deserved more, my kids deserved more, and I was not a good role model for them, being this sad, broken, tear riddled doormat. I deserved more, and so did my kids.

We got it too.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8720 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

The first time around, WS had me convinced that it was partly my fault that he had the affair. And our counselor rugsweeped the affair, so I was left with a WS that was angry with me, blame shifting, and no real professional support to help us through it. I was shell shocked, desperate to save my family, and letting myself be blamed for everything that went wrong.

So he went back to OW. Because in his mind, he could. He blamed me, the counselor put blame on me...so why not? He was still angry. I was working on myself at the time though, getting stronger, taking care of myself, reading and learning this was NOT my fault. I was fixing the problems I had helped contribute to the marriage, but I certainly did not make the choice to turn outside the marriage to validate myself.

I caught him the second time around. Within two hours of catching them, I had a house to move into, an apt with a lawyer, and $$ that was MINE ONLY to move me and my girls out. I was done. I saw the lawyer the next day. I came home and told him we were done, and we were splitting everything 50/50. I wasn't going to screw him because he was, despite everything, a good Dad to our girls and I didn't want them to suffer while with him.

That woke him up. That I was leaving, but not being a bitch about it, and I was going to be ok....he realized this was on him and him only. It scared him.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 256 | Registered: Aug 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

wow Niaveone, your and my turning points are similar.
I had been to an attorney prior to Dday, so I knew how that was going to play.

I also wasn't leaving my house since my sister was my neighbor, and my parents lived two houses away. I figured he didn't want to live in the "compound". LOL.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8720 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I think it's more you have to be willing to end the relationship/marriage to save yourself.

If your partner can do what's necessary and you still want to try that's great.

In my case it wasn't my choices that ended my marriage. I did what I should have done and got a divorce. He still stalks me, wants to get back together, tells the boys we'll be a family, calls me his wife to his friends, supposedly doesn't date

That's not love, though. None of it. That's "I lost my possession and I want it back"

To me if someone needs to lose me to try to keep me that's not a relationship I want. It's the certainty of having me and still wanting to work through, with, for our relationship that is someone I'm willing to invest in. That's for me though. I know me and if I'm willing to end the relationship, I'm gone anyway. I'll always wave bye if they want to. I'd honestly think that would be much easier. I hated having to make that choice. Dreamed he would but he didn't.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
sunandmoon
Member
Member # 10180
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I was legally seperated and on my way to D (waiting period) from June until April of the following year. I moved out, bought a home, started rebuilding my life. WH started IC in December, came to me in March and asked me to go to MC with him to either R or atleast to rebuild so we could properly co-parent. After several months of MC with talk of R the MC said we had to "take the leap" and move back in together and fully commit to R. It was a really difficult choice but I took the leap. That was seven years ago (about 11 months post dday).
I am married and reconciled because I want to be, not because I need to be. If I have to I can and will live well without my H.

sunandmoon


Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2006
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I was so angry and hurt that I filed for D immediately. I was working out of state when OW called me about the LTA. I immediately got on a plane the next day and flew home, made an appointment with my attorney, and filed the papers.

Unfortuntately, I was not in my right mind to make that kind of decision, so I stopped the process and then we went through a year of false R before OW outed him again. Then I had realtors looking at our home to sell it and end the marriage, again I didn't do it. (all of this before SI)

Now, I am still not sure what would have happened if I had not stopped it. WH#2 as far as I can tell is no longer cheating, but he is a rug sweeper and refuses to discuss the A. He just wants it to all go away now.

I am not happy, but I am not miserable either, which I guess is a good thing in a way. I wished I had went through with the D now. I think at least mentally and I know physically I would be in a better place, but who knows???

It's a gamble either way you go. I agree that if you are doing it to bring him out of the fog and to try and save your marriage it doesn't always happen that way. You have to mean it and he needs to do alot of work on himself to stop it. I wished I had known this when I filed, but I let my broken heart get in the way.

With XWH#1 I was done and I meant it and I have never regretted it except for the number he did on my kids. It is a hard choice to make and one that I think every BS struggles with the most. Only you can decide what is best for you. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it

Nope; not true. I've never seen anything like this on SI. Perhaps you've seen, "If you file for divorce, you have to be willing to end your marriage." In other words, don't use divorce as a threat; mean what you say.

Yes, of course, some have filed for divorce and their WSs have pulled their head out of their asses at the 11th hour. A few have even divorced and remarried. But don't use filing for divorce as a gambit to save your marriage. Use divorce to get away from a toxic situation that you can no longer survive. Remember--this is all about surviving infidelity.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

"Sad in AZ" very true what you say. Yes, you do have to be ready and willing to walk away from the marriage and end it IF you file for divorce regardless if it is a bluff or not.

BUT the one thing you have on your side if you file for divorce is the fact that maybe you can get the truth. I know in my case I will never get the truth even after 9 years. I now see that I should have filed for divorce for my own piece of mind just to know the truth even IF it had only been a bluff.

With that said, the bluff could have turned into the real deal, but I would have given myself time to figure out IF that is what I wanted or not in my own solace. In my case it was more likely that I would have been the one to bug out and not him. There would have been no HB or no other obstacle to get in my way of thinking. Just me making my own decision.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:18 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I do believe in this as I can attest to it. But I do want to say that this is different for all situations. Meaning if you DO NOT have a remorseful WS, if they are still in affair mode and will not be truthful and full transparency then I do believe that this is the only way to go. You have to be willing to lose what you don't have. "Love Must Be Tough" is a good book by Dobson to read about this. You cannot hold onto what you don't have. If they are still lying, staying out at all hours, hiding things from you, treating you horribly...then your only way to find yourself again is to be firm and start D proceedings.

Now if you have a WS who is truly sorry, doing everything they can, doing NC, giving you access to all passwords...then different story.

Its entirely up to each individual but if you are strong enough to believe in you and you alone (and I had kids as well) then you can make it thru this with being willing to leave the marriage.

This is JMO.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I spent the first few months of our separation basically begging him to work things out. His A was EA up to 3 months after he left. Once he visited her and it moved to a PA in July, I had what could only be classified as a mental breakdown. I spent 4 days straight crying and finally asked my doctor for meds.

Once the ADs and Ambien helped me get my head straight, I started functioning again. I focused on me and my boys. At 6 months (October 2012), I told him I was finally ready to let go. I had talked to a lawyer and while I didn't want a divorce, I was ready to move on with my life. THAT conversation was his turning point. We started talking and eventually dating again. He moved home 10 months after he left.

While telling him I was ready to file was his catalyst, I did not go to the lawyer to scare him. I went to protect me and my boys. And to try to move on with my life. I had no idea that he would react the way he did. I had all of my ducks in a row and had finally accepted that I was going to be a single mom.

I was ready to end my marriage to save ME, not my marriage.

I don't think it's a good idea to use separation or divorce as a play to get the wayward spouse back. It may backfire on you...


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it

Nope; not true. I've never seen anything like this on SI. Perhaps you've seen, "If you file for divorce, you have to be willing to end your marriage." In other words, don't use divorce as a threat; mean what you say.

I actually have seen the above statement on SI, and yet what Sad says is true.

I think people are taking the context of this statement a little too literally however. Sure, don't go filing for divorce as a passive aggressive means to force the changes you want. That is just dumb.

However, you can not let fear of ending the marriage control you. When you find out, you have to take some bold actions to find out the truth, stop the affair, make your partner choose between the marriage and the affair. If you are not willing to end the marriage, you will try to play it safe, take half measures, demand less than is required for fear of angering your spouse, in short, you will enable the affair to continue just so long as it is not in your face.

The first step towards saving your marriage is accepting that sharing your spouse is worse than losing them. Accepting that whatever you may have thought, your marriage as it stands is not good when it includes an affair, and if the affair can not be dealt with and ended, then the marriage should be.

Once you accept this reality, then you will be in a much better position to do what is necessary to save your marriage.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 26th (Thursday)

I went from a snivelling wreck desperate to hold onto FWH to a strong, independant woman the day I found out we'd been in 9 months of false R.

The next day I stopped taking FWH's calls and saw a lawyer and filed.

FWH was, at that point, still blaming me for everything and stated I had ruined his life ( widdle OW dumped him when she realised he hadn't broken all contact with me during those months of S like he was telling her he had ).

Anyway, at that point I didn't want to D him but he left me with no choice. I guess my bullshit metre was so full that I had nowhere left to go!

I fully intended to D him and started to take the necessary steps.

It was only when FWH was served with the actual reasons for my wanting a D a few weeks later that he got smacked upside the head and realised he was to blame and was also going to lose the only person who truly loved him. Then the fog lifted in an instant!

He didn't outright ask for R at that point. He sent me a letter apologising and asking if we could remain friends as he didn't want me to be out of his life and he wanted to be given the chance to prove to me that he could change.

A few weeks after that I stopped the D and we R but the papers remained filed until about 12 months ago when we wrote wills as the lawyer needed our M certificate to complete this legal process so I had to sign an affidavit with the court to say I was stopping the D to get the certificate .. otherwise it'd still be filed!

Anyway, I have told people on here that sometimes it takes them filing to wake the WS up and get them out of their fog BUT I always say this isn't an absolute and they should only file because D is their only option and not as a bartering chip. .... Although a side effect is that the WS then sees the strong side of the BS and that garners respect from them. I do feel that we BS don't help ourselves by crying, begging and being ever available to our WS as we just make their fantasy world all the more appealing when we act like weak, pathetic doormats. (I'm not blaming any BS here for that. I'm just mentioning it and I hold my hands up as I cried and begged for months ).

Sometimes- D works because the WS 'sees' something worthy of respect in our actions when we put our big girl pants on and say "No more- I am worth far more than the crap you dish out Mister ( or Mrs) so bye bye loser!"

My FWH admitted to me after we R that all those months of begging made him see me as pathetic and made it easier for him to justify his A as he saw a wife unworthy of him! When I D him he saw the old, fiery MrsDoubtfire that he fell in love with returning and that stirred something in him.

I hope this all makes sense?


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Amen to that "MrsDoubtfire" amen to that.

And that is exactly what I mean when I say that in filing for D it is very beneficial to the BS in the fact that WE ourselves can now have our own quiet time to figure out what WE want to do rather than the crying, begging, little doormats some of us become. I so wish I had filed for this reason. The icing on the cake would have been that I would have gotten the truth out of him which will never happen at this point. And yes, had I filed I would have indeed been ready to walk the walk and more than likely would have.


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, September 27th (Friday)

For way too long I "played the game" with all my heart, hoping desperately that my "next move" --short of actually filing for divorce --would be the move that would wake up my wife and bring her back to her family.

In the process I lost my dignity, my masculinity, my pride, my integrity...everything.

First I tried to understand.
I agreed: it surely was at least in part my fault. Maybe admitting this would lead her back into my arms.

The cake eating continued as my soul withered.

I threatened divorce five times over two years. She wept. And continued her affair. My soul died some more.

I agreed that she should move out, to "heal and grow." For "space." The affair continued.

She moved back in, declaring she was ready to commit to me and our family. NC with AP lasted a grand total of two weeks. Maybe. She moved back out "to find a path back to us." (I shake my head in disbelief when I remember these words.). Of course she moved back out to continue her affair. I died some more as my children suffered some more.

Finally, my trump card, my last desperate move: I filed. She wept. She apologized. She continued her affair in my face.

When she realized that I was truly serious, she became the most vile, vindictive, malicious woman--this love of my life. And continues to be as the divorce is becoming more ugly.

My "final move" is no longer a ploy to win her back. It is proving to be the hardest--and best--decision of my life as I am largely emotionally detached from a toxic, cruel woman. My only regret, as so many have said, is that I did not have the strength to divorce her two years ago.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:07 PM, September 27th (Friday)]


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 27th (Friday)

After much back and forth and several attempts at false R, I did calmly file for D.
The drama did not stop there, but continued on.
Although he swears he wants the marriage to work he's shown me no real reason for ME to fight for it. I fought for the first 4 months when he wasn't fighting.
Now that we have custody and financial issues going back and forth between our attorneys I think the reality is sinking in and he's desperate, remorseful and full of regret.
However-here's the thing:
When a BS gets to the point where they truly are willing to end the marriage, sometimes it really, honestly is too late for the WS to make amends and change.
So remember, if this is your "last stand", use it as the last stand. It's an expensive "bluff" and emotionally exhausting.
My D could be finalized within weeks. WS is panicked and says he wants "one last push" to save the marriage.
I don't know what that means, or what that would look like...or if I even want to see it. The more I think about divorce, the more it seems healthier than reconciliation.
Sadly.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 27th (Friday)

Remember--this is all about surviving infidelity.

Yes.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, September 27th (Friday)

A month after DDay I was encouraged to file by SI members. WH was not remorseful but I loved him and still hoped something would wake him up. I filed because it was purely intolerable to be so disrespected. He did not wake up. The D was finalized a year and a half later.

Five years out from DDay and I'm well out of the mindset of the marriage I am glad I filed and walked away. I am glad that we did not R, because I know he would have done a half assed job and I would have to have put up with a lot of crap.

I'm glad I've got another chance at love and life now in my new beginning.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

I agree.

But I also agree that it cannot be a strategy to shock the WS back into the relationship.

In my case when I discovered what he had been up to I was convinced he planned to leave me.

Looking back I cannot believe I managed to keep my feelings hidden for almost 2 weeks.

During that time I told our adult children we were divorcing and why, I saw an attorney, found out my rights if we divorced, got our property assets split (don't ask me the details but we are no longer "sharing" ownership of property , we each own half). This may seem semantic but it means that I can leave my half of our assets to my children and there is nothing he can do about it. I changed my will so that the kids get my share of everything. This was very important to me as I literally had nightmares about OW3 living in my house and being a grandma to my grandchildren. At the end of my will my attorney advised me to put a statement that my FWH was to get none of my share of our assets because of infidelity throughout the M. He told me no court will overturn this.

I confronted him a couple of weeks later. I tried for hours to get him to leave. He pleaded to let him stay and I finally relented only because I was exhausted. I told him that his whores might be willing to share him with me but that I would never knowingly share him with another woman. That if I found out he was ever in any way unfaithful again that would be the end. I told him about the will and even told him my plans for after we D'd. I was serious and he knew I meant it.

So... after 3.5 years we are still together. But I won't be changing my will. My FWH knows what I have done and why. He has not mentioned it since I told him.

We are not wealthy but do have some assets. FWH would be able to live quite comfortably on his share once the family farm was sold if I died. But there is no way the whores are going to benefit from my hard work.

So right from Day 1 have been willing to lose the M. I didn't want the M I had with the type of person he was then (aside from the infidelity) and I told him this.

As for the will. It stays as it is. I will never change it.

Even now I am willing to lose the M. If he is unfaithful again or treats me badly (as he did for many years before dday) then I will D him.

HUGS to all

Laura



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 38