|Just Found Out|
Topic: Staying or Leaving
Member # 40752
| Posted: 10:13 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)|
I feel I am at a crossroads. DDay was the 8th of August - but the discovery really lasted several weeks. Several weeks of lying and denying, and of researching and investigating.
I have been to hell and back. I have been shattered to a million pieces and put back together all wrong.
I love him, we have been together for 15 years, married 10 and have 3 children together. But his lies and betrayal have caused me so much agony. Pure pain in the centre of my soul. I donít know if I have the strength to keep trying.
We have been seeing a psychologist together, but I feel that the healing process was skipped and we jumped straight into rebuild and repair mode. Iím not ready for that.
Some days are easier than others, we just slip back into our old lifestyle like nothing happened, but just under the surface I am intensely angry Ė and occasionally itís been boiling over. My tools from the psychologist are clearly not working.
I donít know where this leaves me. I feel I am stuck in limbo Ė sentenced to purgatory for falling in love, punished for trying to make him happy.
Iím scared because I donít know what life would be like without him. Iím scared to raise our 3 little ones without him all by myself. Iím scared that leaving will cause me more pain. Iím scared if I stay, I am gullible and a push over.
This is not the person I used to be. I am incredibly alone as I am so ashamed of what he has done to me that I cut all of my friends out of my life. I couldnít bare the looks they would give me Ė the judgement.
I wish I knew what to do.
I donít know how to Ďget overí this. I donít know how to fix the hurt inside of me and I donít know how to have him in my life and trust him.
This whole thing is so cruel. Why am I suffering when I didnít do this.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 40277
| Posted: 11:21 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)|
I am sorry that we are here together. Your D-day was around the same time as mine. I completely understand the fear of deciding to stay or go. This is the one time in my life where I have given myself permission to take my time in making a choice. From all accounts what you are feeling is normal. Some days I feel like it will all be alright the next I think to "hell with this". Our MC said this along with my anger was normal. He told my husband that it was like someone had died and I had to go through all the stages of grief.
If the tools the psychologist gave you are not working you need to let he/she know and maybe they will have other suggestions to help you deal with the situation. Do you feel comfortable with the MC and do you feel like he/she is helping you? If not find another one!
I really haven't told anyone for fear of what they would say about me or what they would tell me to do.
I have also been isolating myself but lucky for me my grandmother saw this and called me out on it. Once I told her I felt much better and not so alone. It also made me feel loved just for me. I know that the people who really love me won't judge me and will instead be a pillar of support or lifeline for me when I need it most. She reminded me of this. Reconnect with family and friends to get the support you need. I am sending you a big hug.
It feels like years since I found out and not just weeks, but really it's only been a few weeks. Please give yourself some time and know that you are stronger than you think. The fact that you are still standing after finding out is testimony to that. Regardless of what happens know that you are strong enough to take care of yourself and your little ones.
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.
Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Member # 40669
| Posted: 1:00 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
Hi Losing Me
My Dday was 8/21 just a couple weeks after yours. We almost have a similar situation, I've been with my wife 14 years, married 10, and 3 kids, except the genders are reversed. I'm not sure what your husband wants to do, but my wife is still on the fence not sure if she wants to stay in the marriage or be with the other guy (who is also married with 2 kids). I know how you feel. Somedays we act like nothing happened and things are normal. Then something triggers my anger like today where I found her stash of secret Victoria secrets bras & thongs that I've never seen before (and she doesn't even like to where thongs). At first I was desperate to convince my wife to stay. But now after a month, I am wondering if I really want to be in the marriage. I think I would want to if my wife showed guilt/remorse and told me she wanted to work things out. But I'm not seeing those things from her. So I started focusing on myself instead of her. And I feel a little better. You should try to do that to. No one but you will look out for yourself, so you need to take care.
I hope this helps and I give you a virtual hug.
Hang in there, it will get better now matter what happens.
PS - You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband was the one who made the terrible choice to be unfaithful. He should be the one that is ashamed. Dont forget that.
[This message edited by coda87 at 1:02 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]
Married 12yrs, known 14
3 kids 12,10,8
Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Member # 32554
| Posted: 2:12 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
There's a good book someone here recommended to me. It's titled something like "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It was very helpful to me, so much so that when I was done with it I gave it to my counselor and she now has it in her office to loan out to other clients.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 40674
| Posted: 3:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
Hi. I'm even earlier in this process than you but all I would say is tell someone in real life.
Yes you feel ashamed but i have told two good friends and it has helped so much.
Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 40212
| Posted: 5:51 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
I'm so sorry. My prayers go out to you. My D-Day was 7/31. I found out because I started receiving 100 of hang-up calls all hours of the day and night in April and I called the Police and had a tracer put on my phone by law enforcement. I did suspect something was not right prior to that....but he denied it. When the Police called me and gave me this woman's name, I immediately called him at worm and gave him her name...and there was silence on the other end of the phone. I then said to him, "there are Cops involved here, so if you know this woman you better tell me". and he confessed. She started stalking me because he was pulling away from her. On May 17th, he bought me a dog for my Birthday and she found out because she was also atalking me on Facebook. Since D-Day, this woman has sent me numerous emails and also sent me a package with copies of emails that transpired between them. We are going to therapy...etc. He is doing all the right things. I can honestly say that I am not sure I am staying. He minimized at first....and many things came out because I insisted that I get the whole truth. The day I found out, I left our home and disappeared for a week. I styed with my best friend. I was not going to go back...but my best friend did say something that may me go home and try to work it out. She said, "If you do not go home and at least talk to him and try, I think you will regret it. Even if you leave, you will still have to go through this pain...if you don't try I think you will have regrets" It has been hell.... every day is different. I have been on a rollercoaster. Also, I am pending a court case because this woman is being prosecuted for atalking me. All I can say is follow your heart and do what is a best for you.
Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37908
| Posted: 6:06 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
I'm staying for now. My dday was December 21 2012. So 9 months and i still think it's easier to leave some days. But I'm here still because i love him. Because he is remorseful and doing every thing he can to show me that he loves me and wants to repair the M. They say not to make any life changing decisions this early on and your d day is fairly recent. But in the long run you have to do what is best for you if you can one day forgive him and have a stronger marriage stay....if infidelity is a deal breaker leave. As long as YOU are happy then that's all that truly matters .
There better not be a "next time"
Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: a mere speck in a much bigger picture
Member # 40571
| Posted: 8:04 AM, September 23rd (Monday)|
Hi - my Dday was three weeks tomorrow & I struggle daily with stay/go & am taking the advice others here have given not to make any big decisions while my head and heart are so confused. Some days I feel if I had made him leave then while I'd be hurting I'd have focus and be able to move forward. Not deciding - keeping the door open to R - feels sometimes like being a doormat, like settling, somethingmy younger self would have been disgusted by...but I have a little son & I also still feel something for this man who betrayed everything we stood for. Do I think I can get a worthwhile marriage back? Maybe, am not sure yet...Do I think I have many more nights of nightmares & feeling ""why the hell me?" Yes. I hate that he brought this to my door & hate that he seems to be in actually a happy place (he sees this as a "new start" and has "relief" that he knows what he wants and that this is me...I feel the opposite - full of self-doubt & so so sad....) Definitely reach out to someone in real life - I spoke to 4 people - my brother, who was initially very angry with H and wanted me to kick him to the kerb has come to accept (because he loves me and wants me to be happy) that the decision is more complicated than that for me. One of the three close friends who knew is a lovely person but is focused on need for "punishment" which isn't what I need to think about. Of the other two people who know I am so grateful for their daily advice & practical help. Once, I had such a bad trigger day & found myself crying in a coffee bar. Calling this friend just to talk through the feelings and thoughts I had - I was feeling things I never had before - lack of trust, fear of more betrayal - she kept me sane that day). Everyone needs someone in "real" life to remind them that it is normal to feel the pain we are feeling....
Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 39431
| Posted: 2:39 PM, September 23rd (Monday)|
My DDay was in April and I can relate to much of what you are feeling. It is complete agony and pain. You DO have the strength. You may not feel it each day. It feels like it even gets worse before it gets better but it will get better. The first 3 months were the worst. Sometimes living as if nothing happened is the only "break" from the pain. I have pushed my pain and memories of the events down to be with him but it is temporary. It is human though. One thing I learned in IC and on here is that my feelings are human. Your reactions and your emotions are human, do not let anyone tell you you shouldn't be saying or feeling what you do.
Please don't feel ashamed with your real friends. My husband not only cheated, but left me for our children's friend's mother in town so many people in town know. I felt extremely embarassed, to the point of almost having panic attacks just grocery shopping worrying about running into her or someone that knew but the more you heal and get your self-esteem back, you back, you will realize more and more that it is HIM that will be embarassed and ashamed. You need real friends to help you and talk. You may even be surprised when you start opening up to people about your situation, how many others have gone through something similar, or know someone that has...almost EVERYONE! It helps to know you're not alone and YOU have nothing to be ashamed about.
There is nothing wrong with trusting your husband!
I donít know how to Ďget overí this. I donít know how to fix the hurt inside of me and I donít know how to have him in my life and trust him.
You DON'T get over it. I didn't want to hear this at the start because it was such unbearable pain like I've never imagined humans could feel, but it really does take a long time to heal. We have a headache, we take a pill, we get betrayed in the most disrespectful possible way, we can do nothing to "fix" it. There is no pill. All we want to do is make it go away but there is that ugly four letter word, time.
Right now, you don't need to worry about trusting him. That is not possible right now and honestly, he doesn't deserve it right now. He will have to earn it and whether he likes it or not, it will take a long time and hard work to do that. Those are his consequences. Please make this his burden more than yours. You did nothing wrong! Remember, you take on 50% of the marital issues, you take on 0% of the cheating. He bares 100% of that!
Do not let the anger stay under the surface. I also do this because, one, I really wasn't given a choice in the beginning. He left. But he wants to come back and work things out but I find myself keeping things in just to avoid "going there" but if I can't open up to him, what kind of marriage is that? I have told him recently that if he is not willing to help me through the pain, I will do it on my OWN. I am not going to do this on my own though and he expect to be by my side in the end. He needs to go through it with me or not.
It is extremely difficult and I am totally understanding of your situation and wish you the best. Please keep posting and do something nice for yourself. This is the time in your life to get a little selfish. Me time! It's probably hard to take this advice early on, but as the weeks go by, the me-time will be enjoyed more and more and you will get stronger doing things for yourself. YOU and the kids are most important. Take care!
Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away
Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 36004
| Posted: 3:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday)|
This might be the best description of what happens to the betrayed I have ever read.
I have been shattered to a million pieces and put back together all wrong.
I am 18 months from D-day. I can tell you it's hard and it's absolutely insane. It's like reality has betrayed you. Your world is turned on end and nothing seems real.
This passes with time. I think time is the only thing that makes this better.
I don't know if it gets better but you just get used to it. I have a friend from Lebanon. She recently went back home. I asked her "how was it"? She said there were a few car bombings but nothing big. I remarked "it's amazing what you can get used to". This is no different.
I can tell you that one day it will be OK. This process will teach you a lot of things that you never wanted to learn. A lot of things about you and some about him. The things you learn about you will be good. The things you learn about him, not so much.
I learned somethings about my WW. I learned what she was truly capable of. She learned last night that she had truly extinguished the romantic loving feeling that I felt for her. One day it may return, maybe.
Don't be afraid to get away for a while. It helped just to be away from the craziness. Go to the zoo or something. Go for a walk or go workout. Early on running helped clear my head.
You have to accept that you are in a different reality now. Things are just different. For me a big help is posting on here. That seems to make me feel better most days.
I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Currently in R
Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Member # 33806
| Posted: 6:43 PM, September 23rd (Monday)|
Definitely do not be afraid to get away for awhile..Even if you cannot physically get away, nothing is wrong with you being mentally unreachable by your WS, until such a time that you get your bearings and you feel like communicating with him...
If you are still living with your WH and don't want to physically leave, He needs to give you this mental/physical space...No hurry to address what you or WH thinks is the cause of his A, that may be months/years down the road..You ( and anything you did or the way you lived ) are NOT TO BLAME for his A....
Focus on getting thru each day ..Things will get better as you regain your strength..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite
Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40699
| Posted: 12:39 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)|
My D-day was 7/23 and I'm right where you are. At times I want to work it out and we almost feel normal and then the next I'm overwhelmed with hurt and anger. I almost want to give up in hopes I will stop hurting and worrying about it happening again.
Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."
Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 40551
| Posted: 7:26 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)|
I could have written your exact post. I found out 8/1, I have three young kids too and I feel so much of the same things you said. It's scary. Crazy scary.
I have found that if I concentrate on my kids (seeing them happily play, doing things I enjoy with them etc) that gives me true happiness. It puts things into perspective for me: that even if we get divorced, I have these wonderful kids. I will figure out single parenthood (it scares me so much but I CAN do it!!) But I'm also open to trusting my heart and seeing if R is possible. We have a lot at stake and I don't want to rush it.
I would suggest feeling all your emotions, whatever they are. In my IC I was told to not brush any feelings away, feel them all, deal with them all in order to be able to eventually move on.
BS - Me, 36
FWH- Him, 38
Married 10 years, 3 beautiful kids 6 and under
DDay - Sept 13, 2013
TT for 7 months
Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 38134
| Posted: 4:34 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)|
My heart goes out to you.
8 months since DDay and I still struggle whether to stay or leave. It was our 13yr anniversary last Monday and i felt very conflicted about it. The hurt I felt was so intense that day , as now it doesn't mean anything special anymore but pain and betrayal. My WH is doing everything a remorseful husband should but many days I feel so unsure about the future. On the eve of our anniversary, I told him that I'm giving myself , our marriage and him a year to work out the best way to take. I told him he has one year to convince me he has changed for the better and behavior should be consistent. Anything other than total 180 from his cheating behavior would so mean he is out of my life and my daughter's. I told him that I have now come to a point where I've decided that one misstep by him during the one year period will mean me walking out on our marriage.
They say we will feel better with time - but recovery takes a long time.
Hugs to you.
[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 4:37 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites
Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 40574
| Posted: 10:24 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)|
My situation is slightly different in that I found out almost 4 years ago, but I spent the last three and a half years with my head buried in the sand pretending everything was alright and that I had already gotten over it. Of course I hadn't, but it is amazing what you can convince yourself of when you feel like your whole world is falling apart.
The only advice I will give at this time is to wait. Wait for the turmoil in your soul to die down a bit. Making a stay/go decision this close to DDay is never a good idea. The emotions are too raw, and a decision made entirely on emotions is usually not the right one.
I will echo what a few others have said: You do need to come to grips with the fact that things will never be the same again. They just won't. You can get past the anger and the triggers and the resentment with time, but in the end the act was still committed, and though you forgive you will never forget. The real question then becomes not stay or go, but can you live with the fact that your relationship with your WH will never be the same.
But take time first. Time for you. Time to heal, to better yourself, to remind yourself of who you really are and what you really want out of life.
Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
|Topic Posts: 15|| |