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User Topic: My marriage has been a lie.
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Helpless  Posted: 8:59 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

6 weeks ago I discovered my husband of 18 years was in an affair with 1 woman for over 6 1/2 years. He insists affair was over 2 years ago yet until 6 w ago they were emailing 3x per week. I called OW, she also says phys affair over 2 y ago, but neither one says they actually had conversation about it being over,"it just was". He travelled all over the country with her while I stayed home,worked care for his mentally ill mother and raised the child he insisted we have. Time and again he has said he was happy in the marriage, "I'm the only one of my friends who doesn't complain about my wife, I just don't have anything to complain about".


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you are. You will get lots of good advice and information. You can ask questions and/or vent. You're safe here!

There is a lot of great information in the Healing Library (yellow box in the upper left corner). Start there. I'm pretty new here, too, but I know that reading through the articles and doing the 180 helped. The 180 is in the BS Frequently Asked questions, I believe. Start there.

Please know that this has NOTHING to do with you and everthing to do with him. He has been very selfish, and now it is your turn to be selfish. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Make sure you are eating and drinking lots of water. Sleep whenever you need to. (I still take naps to "escape").

We are here for you. (((HUGS)))!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Thank you Raven.I wish sleeping was easier. I feel like I am completely psychotic. How did I not know? Why was I so oblivious and trusting? I never checked his visa bills, emails, phone records. Now I am scouring all past bills, ATM withdrawals everything I can get my hands on... I keep asking myself, "Would I rather have this or breast cancer? This or my home foreclosed on?, This or my house washed away in the flood?"


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
de.va.sta.ted
Member
Member # 22922
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The pain of betrayal is so awful, because it feels so deliberately done to hurt, unlike a natural disaster or a disease.

You've come to the right place. I know it's hard to believe, but you will be ok.

((hugs))


Me: BW mid 40's Him: WH mid 50's
D-Day: 2009
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in...

Posts: 852 | Registered: Feb 2009
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

If they continued to be in contact up to 3x's a week,the affair has continued,whether they say it was over or not...continued contact means the affair was ongoing.

What is he doing to heal the damage he has done?

Does OW have a husband? Have you told him yet?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

I just want to get to a place where I stop obsessing about his A. I can "do" anything: go to work, run errands, clean up after the colorado flood, make dinner, but I CAN"T STOP thinking about what he did, why he did it and what now? I spend my nights connecting the dots of his past behaviors- fights he would pick with me before he would leave town to meet her,arrangements he made to make sure I would not be with him when he did meet her, money he spent, tickets he bought etc.


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

To confused--
My husband started therapy with me and individual therapy for himself.The OW is married with 4 children!!! 2 still at home. I have not called her husband because I feel she needs to figure out how she will proceed in her marriage. Do you think I should call him?
I don't know either of them, they live in another state.


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Call her husband. He deserves to know what he is married to. It also helps to have another set of eyes keeping an eye on the situation.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Struggling3-did you call the other husband?


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Hey sadgirl,

I did call the other BW about 10 months past my d-day. I had been content letting sleeping dogs lie, as my wife ended it. But the OM tried contacting her again, so I realized I needed to tell other BS. She also was long distance (2000 miles away)

I am very happy to tell you more if you would like. It was revelatory. She was never mad at me. I kinda wanted to maintain a relationship with her (making lemonade out of lemons) but she was not interested which I understand of course.

One thing I came up with was to start living for me more - not have my life be as much in a role of assisting my WW's life.

So, I got a season pass to Vail/Breck last year and got in 16 days of skiing. I asked for and received new Rossi skis for my birthday. I am also going to change careers pretty soon to something that is more rewarding .... for ME. You only live once.

Also check out the Long Term Affairs group in I Can Relate...look up users NJGal and atsenootie...they have been a BIG help.

Jack

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:22 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

My husband had two affairs.The OW's husband called me after the second affair. It was over by the time he found me but without that call, I would have thought everything was fine and none of the work my husband needed to do on his boundaries would have been done. I had believed after the first affair that he could never do it again because he was so remorseful. But he hadn't found the real why for his behavior and he hadn't adjusted his boundaries with women and people who weren't friends of the marriage. After the second affair, I'd have left without that work. And I'm fairly certain that if the OW's husband hadn't called me, that my husband would have done it again.

On top of the boundary work that needed to be done, without that call, I'd never have known I needed STD testing. While my husband doesn't appear to have contracted anything from the second affair (he gave me HPV from the first), some STDs lay dormant so it wasn't something I was willing to chance.

I am grateful for that call. My partner was keeping me in the dark about my own life. That phone call brought it all into the light.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

It is impossible to explain the pain and damage of a long term affair. My husband had a seven year affair and when I found out, I ceased to want to live. It was the worst pain I have ever expierienced in my life and I am old!!

The obsessing about what went on in your own life during the affair is brutal and will continue for some time. There are just so many memories, pictures, and evertime you have one, or see one, you think, my God, that was during the affair. It is hidious, but it does get better.

You need to journal and everytime you remember one of those things that cuts your heart out, write it down. Write down everything that hurts you. Write down what makes you angry, all the triggers, the injustices, get them on paper.

I am hoping eventually I can tear up or burn that list. Evern after a seven year affair, we are still together and are really more connected than we were prior to the affair. It is still hard, but so, so, much better than that first year after DDay.
All my sympathy for what you are going through, but it will get better. Hugs..


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I've sent you a PM.

I'm so sorry for your pain.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

So sorry you are here....the obsessing is normal......my H had a five year LTA and I created an excel sheet listing credit card charges, flights, hotels, family events...you name it, I categorized it trying to understand how the hell I could've missed five years of betrayal.

What I learned is that my H is a liar, something I am not. Don't beat yourself up for missing it....you did nothing wrong. The A is totally your H's responsibility.

Right now take good care of yourself ...eat if you can, drink water and exercise....get sleep aids from your physician if you need them.

Best piece of advice I received when I first came to SI was that I did not have to make any life changing decisions right away...in fact the recommendation was that I wait a year. And I'm glad I waited. The shock of the betrayal, the pain and then the anger--- well that took almost a year. I, for one, was not thinking clearly for quite some time.

Today we are approaching four years since Dday and my H and I are doing well....a lot has changed in our lives since H cheated and we are working through it. Our marriage is changed, but life is good.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting....feel free to email anytime.....there are many of us here who have been in similar shoes and we are not just surviving, but thriving.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

In answer to your question...I did not. So perhaps I am not the best person to give advice. My H had at most an intense flirtation with the OW. He immediately stopped contact and started MC with me. She tried to contact him a few months later by phone at work. He told her he didn't want to talk to her then told me. I then sent her an email telling her that I knew of their whole situation and if she had any further contact with my H I would call her H. Haven't heard a peep from her in almost two years. They work in the same building and in the last two years my H has seen her hanging out with many men...a real eye opener to what her was dealing with and it wasn't the classy individual he believed her to be.

Enough of my story. To tell you the truth, I have come to believe that this is the best course of action through all of the wise people on here. At this point however I really am just ready to be rid of her in my mind. I would call her H though if she ever tries to talk to him again.

Knowing that your situation went on for so many years, I don't think I would hesitate


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I did the exact same comparisons: Would I rather have this than _____. It sucks. Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for some anti-anxiety medication if you need it. It will take the edge off but not make you loopy.

I, too, feel my marriage has been a lie. We are R but I'm not sure if it is real. I still have a lot of questions that I don't believe he is telling the truth on, and his phone records are through his work, so I don't have the luxury of scouring those bills.

Hang in there!!! It will get easier...but your WH has to do the heavy lifting on this. If he's not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal, then when you get your strength back you will know what to do. I promise!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sqo1965
New Member
Member # 35743
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Hi sad girl - just wanted to let you know that I have experienced both ... Breast cancer and my husband's 2 affairs - one while I was going through treatment - I can honestly tell you that breast cancer was the much easier to deal with!


Sue

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Connecticut
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

All I can say is that I'm so sorry you're here. Be knd to yourself. Do not place any expectations or demands. Do not feel you "should" feel any particular way, or "should" do anything. Making it through the day is enough. This is a HUGE, ENORMOUS trauma, and you are only just beginning to process it. You will be going through many, many more ups and downs.

My WH had a 7 year affair with a co-worker. Throughout, he acted like the ideal husband (well, mostly). Was always knd and loving to me, many thoughtful gifts, etc. said he loved me all the time, called several times a day. To this day, he has never blamed me for the affair.

Like you, I've struggling with what this all means. All I can tell you, without going into tedious detail, is that... Well, it's going to take a lot of digging, therapy, and tears before you get anywhere near coming to terms with this. It is a long journey, and it hurts lke hell. And it will hurt whether you dump the bastard or try to reconcile. And any choice you make will be fine and you will live, and you will be strong, and you will make it through.

((((sad girl))))

Keep posting


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Why was I so oblivious and trusting? I never checked his visa bills, emails, phone records. Now I am scouring all past bills, ATM withdrawals everything I can get my hands on.

All extremely normal, and due to the time lapse it will be nearly impossible to put together.

Most of us have done this after the shock hits as we try to make sense of it all. Been there, done that.

The reason you didn't know, didn't suspect, is that you were not cheating, that you were trustworthy.

People who trust are the easiest to deceive. But, what does all this say about you?

Absolutely nothing.

It does say a lot about the marriage and the spouse who cheated and how they viewed the marriage and themselves.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

So sorry you are here, Sadgirl.

My SAWH had an affair for 2.5 years. I missed a lot of signs it was going on because I too was trusting.To my detriment, I was a self sufficient, low maintenance, "cool wife." I look back and I think, "wow, I really was oblivious." For me it was a combination of a certain level of denial mixed with being entirely trusting. I just never thought my H had it in him, despite many "classic" signs. My friends are shocked that he - out of all of the men we know - did this. More proof that it's always the ones you least suspect because they just have everyone fooled. I overlooked so much stuff, such as:
- A stray woman's sock showing up in our laundry (I thought it must belong to a college aged sitter who did laundry when she was sitting one night...I asked them and no one claimed it...I dismissed it nonetheless thinking maybe it was their roommate's and they just did not recognize it or something).
- my H insisting on switching his cellphone service, which was in my name, to his name for tax reasons (we used to have the same service but I got an iPhone and he stayed with the original carrier). I got a very bad feeling about it yet I did nothing to question it further.
- business dinners EVERY week on a particular day - and the nights kept getting later and later. 11 pm, 1 pm, 4 am. Especially towards the end.
- Spur of the moment trip related to a start up in which he was involved.
- lashing out at me for no reason. Once, when I asked him why he hadn't left his car in the city and taken a cab (I was worried about him driving while drunk) instead he went berzerk and told me he hates taking cabs to our town from the city because they charge fare and a half.
- going out with his friend "X" regularly on the weekends. It was just puzzling that all of a sudden he wanted to hang out with this guy so often. But whatever, they were old friends and my H always was one to hang out with his guy friends. I never questioned it.
- me asking him about 9 months into the A if he was having and A/seeing someone. He totally denied it. I don't know why but I just sensed something was up. And I continued to ignore my gut.

I have all of the texts from the nearly 3 year period this was all happening.It's crazy making. When I read all of them in a row now, it's like "DUH! He's having an affair." Of course it makes perfect sense to you NOW. But when you are in the thick of life, you have so many distractions and you just dismiss things because if you spent time analyzing every nuance you would make yourself crazy. Instead, like many people, you are just probably trying to get through the day. By the end, I was unraveling and so was he...as he puts it he was a runaway train. He was having a secret life and it was catching up to him. He was bloated and puffy from so much drinking and carousing. Acting like a single 30 yo will catch up to you.

A couple of things I have learned in going through this and I will share with you. I have a close friend from college who had an affair over a decade ago with her married boss for about a year. I asked her about this after she brought it up recently when we were on vacation. The net of it: It definitely doesn't sound as glamourous as one might imagine an affair to be.They did not set out to deliberately hurt anyone. She and the Married Man were just completely selfish. They were not thinking of anyone but themselves. At first it was fun to be sneaking around. and then it became tiresome and a lot of work to make up work related excuses to see one another. They would just hang out at her apartment because they could not risk being seen together. No one knew about the A except her sister, so it was lonely and isolating for her. After a year, my friend broke it off because she knew she wanted more and it wasn't possible. She later found out that the wife was becoming suspicious. She now says she would never do something like that, especially now that she knows how devastating that is to someone's family whether they know about the A or not.

It does infiltrate into their family life in one way or another, no matter how much they try to keep it together. It was really affecting my kids and in the months leading up to discovery, I was barely getting out of bed in the morning, definitely going back to bed frequently during the day, becoming very forgetful and missing appointments...things that are totally out of character for me. My close friends were really worried about me. I was becoming suspicious and then some information presented itself and instantly, I knew exactly who it was. I was really shocked about how long it had gone on. But then everything I'd brushed off suddenly made sense.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you will find that you are not the only one. I have found great comfort in the Long Term Affair thread in the I Can Relate section of the forums. So many people who like us were very trusting and totally blindsided.

One struggle I have had is the betrayal and layers of deceit. For my SAWH, his A was a fantasy life. He enjoyed this "perfect" fantasy world of younger woman with a great figure and a penchant for fun and partying, boozing, and all the sex that goes with that (the younger generation of women seem to love porn and sex as much as men do - all the sexting, dirty talk, etc. Astounding). No responsibility because I was at home taking care of all of that. I am pretty sure their connection was mainly a physical one and their relationship did not have any deep meaning...she was his person of addiction (in other words his drug). So the fact he had this sexual relationship is something I can get over more easily than the lying and years of emotional abuse I have endured in this marriage. You may find the same struggle in the months to come.

Finally, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. You mention in your post that you work, you take care of his mother and you also have a child. Start putting yourself first. Create some boundaries about all of this and expectations of your husband and begin making time for yourself, your needs and interests. Take a class. Get your nails/hair done more often. Schedule monthly massages/facials. That's right...indulge. No one else is going to take care of YOU but YOU. Sad but true. So get started NOW.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

You absolutely tell her husband. Give him what you know and leave it at that. He has the same right to know that you did. Do not tell him until after you do it!
There is much help here. Glad you found us, sorry you had too.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
What?  Posted: 12:50 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Whoa. All I can say is I am blown away by the outpouring of support I have received from so many kind, caring, and courageous people. I weathered the weekend ok. Nights and days off work seem to be the most difficult for me. I appreciate the feedback some of you gave about not feeling like I "should" do anything right away and to sit with how I feel. Thanks for normalizing my craziness, my obsessive thinking and behavior. I have decided not to call OW's husband for the time being. I also am going to give my WH a chance at working on his issues and our marriage and i am starting my own therapy tomorrow. I am sure I will be sticking around SI for a while as this appears to be a very encouraging and helpful community of people. Thanks to all. x


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Why have you decided not to tell her husband?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7499 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

(((sadgirl)) I am so sorry. My H had a two year A and then continued to speak with the AP for one year before I found out.

Like you I obsessed over connecting the dots. IC told me I was trying to reframe my life based on this new knowledge. It's totally normal and at some point you will exhaust yourself and just stop to move on to the next phase, which will be anger. Altho I suspect you have already experienced this and will continue to do so.

I too asked myself, "where were you LA when this was going on?" How could I miss this? I too never checked bills, emails, etc. My fWH said it best: LA, I worked at deceiving you. You are not stupid. You did nothing wrong and you certainly don't deserve any of this. Don't blame yourself.

I hope you do let the other spouse know. Like you, time has been stolen from him and while nothing can change the past the future can be different. Whether they stay together or not, at least he will know.

I wish you well.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2322 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Sadgirl - we're in the same boat and like you (I just found out three weeks ago) I have been beating myself up. I saw some of the signs but put it down to troubles he had at work & when he started fights with me he tells me now it was a lot of build up of guilt and the whole situation which, in his words, had gotten out of hand i.e. not much fun anymore.....Like you I find so painful thinking about what I was doing at certain points in time that I remember as happy but now know he was having an A throughout. It kills me and can make a good start to the day bad. For my part I started IC as I want to find out what I need to move forward and we are starting MC. I think above all else I need him to be able to answer the question on how it was possible that he started an affair just days before our baby was born - I need him to be able to come to terms with it and not rug-sweep - blaming issues in past with our marriage. What everyone says here - that you may bear some responsibility for issues in M but you are NOT responsible for the A - has given me a lot of comfort. That I was a trusting fool and a busy mum getting on with life and not thinking the worst of my H is not something I am going to lose sleep over - I just hope I can go back to being somewhat trusting but know this has dented my faith in him and in people I love...

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
ctdean2004
New Member
Member # 39637
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

What sucks about all of this is how trusting we all were. I know there has always been suspicion or denial but for me I thought that suspicion was me just being down on myself or being a jealous wife.

Now I am a nutcase and can't even trust him while I am taking a quick shower. I hope I can get over it.


Me: BS, 31
Him: WH/SA, 31
Together 8 years
Married 7 years
DS1, DD2, DSontheway 10/10/13
Official DDAY: October 2012
'09 some things came out, he went to SA, stopped doing it and he went to town! Always been caught and never confessed.
Rec

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Connecticut
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Why have you decided not to tell her husband?

I have to echo the same question.

Don't you think that he, too, deserves to know the truth just like you? How would you feel if someone knew vital information about your husband and was choosing not to share it with you?

He deserves to know. This isn't about you or your husband. It's about an innocent, betrayed person that deserves to know the TRUTH about his marriage and his life, so that HE can make the same informed choices that you're now being given the chance to make.

It's the right thing to do.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

He deserves to know. Tell him.

And get checked for std's.

Force them to sever the connections now....


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Sadgirl,

Your title to this topic is "My marriage has been a lie". Guess who else's marriage has been a lie? The BH of the OW. He deserves to know. Please give him the opportunity to live an authentic life.

I am sorry you are here. None of us want to be. There is a lot of collective wisdom on this site that comes from been there, done that. One mostly unanimous opinion is that the other betrayed spouse should be informed - it's right up there with getting tested for STD's and checking with a lawyer to know your rights. Best of luck to you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadgirlinboulder
New Member
Member # 40735
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Ugh. I've done a lot of thinking about whether to tell OW's spouse. My decision not to is complicated and yet not. I hear everyone's arguments to do this.
The truth is, I did not discover my husband's infidelity until I couldn't tolerate his selfishness and insisted on therapy or divorce. He chose therapy. When therapy led us more toward intimacy, I found the OW's email on his iphone which I was training him to use.
Since this discovery he has been truly remorseful and 200% invested in our marriage and the family.
I'm not sure what telling the OW's spouse would accomplish. It wouldn't change what is happening in my marriage.
I will admit that since discovering the A I have had more intimacy with my H than we've had since before my kid was born and I would hope that OW and her spouse could get to that point. But I worry I would be throwing a stick of dynamite into their home and family-they have 2 kids at home, 4 total.
MC Jack said he told other spouse when the OM tried to reconnect. I know if that happened I would call the other spouse.
For now I think i will let it alone. Maybe OW will cop to her infidelity to her husband.


Me=BS-age 52
HWS=age 53
1 daughter 16 yo
OW-married mother of 4
D-Day-7/31/13- 6-11 y affair-we have been married 18 y

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: boulder, co
Topic Posts: 30