|Just Found Out|
Topic: Just Friends
Member # 40729
| Posted: 7:57 AM, September 21st (Saturday)|
I found out 4 months ago about my wife texting and talking on her cell phone to another man for what our cell phone records indicated for several months. About a week prior to me discovering this, we had a very bad fight followed by a week of her being very cold toward me. Finally being suspicious, because we usually had gotten passed arguments within a day, I spent half a night looking at our cell phone call and text usage and found a number that came up about 900 times a month. I have access to her work e-mail and found someone she does business with had this number on his work signature. You've got to love the new technology these days. I woke her up at 2 in the morning and confronted her with it. She claimed they were both friends and she just found his stories interesting. Since she deleted every text message to this guy I had no way of knowing otherwise. Well, after several counseling sessions, and still not feeling like she was being honest with me, I needed to know what was on those text messages. I work in the same building as my wife, so I know her patterns and how she meets with clients, which is how she met this guy. After I discovered about the relationship, I would occasionally see some random meetings with no conference room, location, etc., she would tell me the meeting was somewhere from our office and it would be the last few hours of the day. So this led me to believe that she was still seeing him. About a week ago I stumbled upon some software that allows you to download deleted texts from a smartphone. A few nights ago I used it on her phone and found about 20 messages that gave me direct language between them that was sexual. I almost couldn't breath, I so didn't want to see those kind of messages, just wanted to see messages that confirmed what she was telling me. All of a sudden, all the things I had been thinking over the past 4 moths had come true. So many things that I was telling her I was feeling were happening, she would get mad at me and say I was not trusting her. She even would tell the marriage counselor how exhausted she was at me having to apologize because I was accusing her of still seeing him. The morning after I found out, and this is just a few days ago, I confronted her by sending her an e-mail just before I left for the gym at about 4 am. She finally read it about 6 am. I told her in the e-mail that my first action was going to be having my divorce attorney subpoena all of her text messages between her and this guy and use them for lobbying for as much custody of our kids as possible. I told her I was going to tell her parents and sister of everything and that I hope it was all worth it. To make it even worse, some of the messages I retrieved showed how a female coworker of hers knew about the affair and would even have drinks with the two of them. I used to talk to this coworker all the time because they office next to each other. The whole thing has me in a funk. My wife says itís over and even forwarded my e-mail to her family to show how she is coming clean. I told her itís going to take a lot more than that for me to ever feel right again, which I doubt will ever happen. All the lies and manipulation have me where I can never trust her again. I canít imagine being with anyone else, but at the same time, knowing some other man has been with my wife and all of the feelings she had for him, Iím in this catch 22 on what to do. I told her if not for the kids, we would already be in filing for divorce. Iím glad I found this sight and can console with other victims. Iíll use this as a place to vent and try and find some solace. If anything, our next counseling session is going to be a doosy.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Arizona
Member # 37154
| Posted: 8:04 AM, September 21st (Saturday)|
I'm so sorry for your pain deceived67; it is just the worst. Glad you found us, however.
Check out the Healing Library in the upper left corner.
It is clichť that cheaters lie, but they do. The way your WW(wayward wife) behaved was completely typical, and does not necessarily mean that she can not change and become remorseful.
Don't think that you need to make any big decisions right away; give yourself time. You will go through a "rollercoaster" of emotions over the next months. Try hard to take care of yourself; eat, sleep, exercise, breath, confide in people you trust. Post often.
Good luck to you.
Posts: 1575 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 1224
| Posted: 8:15 AM, September 21st (Saturday)|
Sorry you have to be here. It all sucks.
Try to focus on taking care of yourself.
If the OM as a W, please let her know what her POS H has been doing with your W.
Please be aware they most likely will try to take the A underground. (hide it better)
This will take years to get over, weather you D or R. Watch her actions, not her words.
But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed
Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 37740
| Posted: 9:16 AM, September 21st (Saturday)|
I'm so sorry your here.
Do you have proof that she ended the A and forwarded your e-mail? Did she send an NC (no contact) letter to the OM that you can verify?
Does she show remorse or is it guilt from getting caught?
If the OM is married or has an SO, tell them ASAP.
BH - 63
fWW - 59
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Posts: 416 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 40729
| Posted: 9:27 AM, September 21st (Saturday)|
I do know she sent the email, I spoke to her mother, both my in-laws live a few miles away.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Arizona
Member # 40531
| Posted: 6:34 PM, September 21st (Saturday)|
So one of the things you have to confront with all this craziness is the fact that you are powerless in all this. It wasn't your fault, it's not your issue, she's the messed up one, and she's full of herself and has monsterous issues. Anyone who cheats will tell you, esp. on this forum, that it's hard for them to look in the mirror and be honest. My ex was gaslighting me for years, had multiple affairs, but only after I actually walked in on date night did she come sort of clean, and then she wasn't truthful until the day before the final divorce and admit she slept with him before she told me. She claimed the whole thing was my fault because I didn't lock her in the house and force her not to spread her legs. She's an idiot, and is finally starting to pay the price...which is sad. She had a good marriage and yes, affairs happen in good marriages, and two great kids, one who rarely talks to her now, and the other who only does because the court says he has to go to her place. But be real. It's good advice not to knee jerk react, but I will also tell you within the first month I split the bank accounts, by month two I filed for divorce, and by the third month I was sure I could not, and would not live with her anymore. For me, just for me, it was a dealbreaker. I'd rather face the future alone then put up with cheating. And her actions spoke all I needed to know. You're jaded now, but realistic too. You're married to someone who cheats. If you should choose to stay with her, she's going to have to do the heavy lifting. If she chooses not to do that heavy lifting, then know she will probably do it again. This is her issue, not yours. Take care of yourself. Eat. Try to sleep. Keep a regular schedule. And if you've decided to move on, treat her with apathy and distance. Share nothing. If you choose to reconcile, keep a journal, write out your feelings. Close it before bed so you do not ruminate.
And from this point forward document every word, action, call, everything. You'll need it if you go to court, and you'll want it when you go to counseling if that's your path. Good luck, been there, done that. It is absolutely the worst feeling in the world.
I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Posts: 264 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 14459
| Posted: 7:23 PM, September 21st (Saturday)|
You mention 'all the feelings she had for him', which is going to make it more difficult for her to let go of this affair or show deep remorse. Need to watch if this goes underground while she perpetrates a sham reconciliation.
I like her reassurance that its all over; as if we can now get on with our lives and put this unfortunate incident behind us. I agree with you, all those lies, and self-righteous anger because you didn't believe or trust her, are going to make it difficult have any faith in a word that comes out of her mouth.
Posts: 1360 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Member # 30825
| Posted: 5:27 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)|
First, sorry you have joined the ranks, but you will get plenty of support here. I know your head is spinning, but I hope the following advice is something you can take to heart and use it for your healing.
First, you need to find if the sleazy other man (OM) has a wife. If so, you really do need to tell her. Your wife has already proven that she is a first-rate, look in your eye, liar. Called it off?? I doubt if she has done anything but take it deeper underground. I realize you want to believe her, but just look at her recent actions. Let the OM's wife know about the affair in a detached, but respectful manner, BUT DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE EXPOSING. If she is still in the affair, she will resist with everything she has to let the other wife know about her adultery.
Next, you really do need to see a lawyer. I know you will think this is counter-intuitive, but your hand is weak. You likely do not know what a divorce will entail. Well, I can tell you - it will involve you being screwed over by your WW if you are not careful. Talk to the lawyer, learn the process and learn what it takes to protect you and your kids. I would even suggest having the separation agreement drafted and in your back pocket (with your terms). Your wife likely thinks she has you under her boot and that you will do whatever it takes to get back with her. Too many WWs do. Well, your best defense is the knowledge of what a divorce will entail and your eventual acceptance that you can live without sharing her with another man. Knowledge is power and you need it sir.
Next, get STD testing. Sickening, I know, but you must protect your health.
Next, I highly advise that you stop marriage counseling and seek IC for yourself and demand your wife seeks REAL IC to fix her brokenness. Marriage counseling with a cheater will likely only frustrate you. All the problems will be laid at your feet because you are the man and her affair will likely be rugswept. She had the affair and SHE has bigger problems than the problems in your marriage.
Finally, detach. You most likely will desperately want to fix her. That is what guys do. You will think you can lead her out of her soullessness. You cannot fix her. You MUST detach from her and her brokenness and hatred. You need the detachment to have perspective, because perspective is needed to make the best decisions on your behalf and behalf of the children.
Strength to you sir. You will need it!
Infidelity sucks shit
Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Member # 41181
| Posted: 12:22 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)|
I'm sorry you are here, your story is parallel to mine, only my WH has known the OW since she was a baby! She knows me since she was 9! So .. I'm in the same boat with not knowing whether or not I can ever really trust him again or not. My deepest empathy to you, take care of yourself, demand complete transparency, continue to monitor all that you can. Love yourself first and foremost, no one, I repeat NO ONE deserves to be cheated on for ANY reason. cowards cheat, liars cheat!
Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.
Posts: 1109 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
|Topic Posts: 9|| |