SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Didn't think I would be posting back in here again
bunni972
Member
Member # 33690
Sad  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 20th (Friday)

But here I am.
Just found out today that my husband was spending time with some woman he met on Craigslist to talk about marriage, etc. Apparently they did not have sex but did kiss a few times. They always met in public.
Of course this is in addition to the two women he met on Craigslist that he would have sex with, unprotected by the way. More than once, and he also had sex with me, unprotected during that time. Just sex he said, no emotions. My husband is an RN, he knows the risk he is taking. He knows the risk he is putting me at as well.
Of course just like before he says its because I hid things from him and lied to him. I do have a problem with spending but I have been much better with it in the last year, he even says so. I took out a loan without him knowing about it so I could get us caught up on our rent. He told me that he understood and that it was all good. Apparently it wasn't. There have been some other minor issues but we have talked about them and he assured me that we were good.
I just don't know what to do. How can I love someone so much and dislike them at the same time.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 20th (Friday)

So sorry you've found us, but the people here can help.

First and foremost: His cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing you did (spending, not spending) is the reason he cheated. He cheated because he is broken and needs something no one can give him.

Please get yourself tested and don't let him anywhere near you until he does too.

Try to get some sleep. If you can't eat try drinking ensure or smoothies. We'll all be here to help and we've all gone through this hell.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Of course just like before he says its because I hid things from him and lied to him

Yep, good excuse to look up and connect with women from Craigslist. I hope you are not buying his bullsh*t.

What did he do to fix himself after your first D-Days?

He is a liar, and don't ever accept blame for his actions.

Do not have sex with him, you need to get tested ASAP.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
bunni972
Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Having sex with him is the furthest thing from my mind right now. He wrote me a letter last night. It literally broke my heart even more. He wants us to work on this, he doesn't want me to leave. I was going to IC before I found out the first time with regards to my spending habits, etc. When I found out about the affair then we started going together for marriage counseling. We stopped going because he lost his job, we lost our house and we had to move. He agrees that we did not work through this the first time and he has agreed to MC.
I'm just so sad, I just want to curl up in my bed and stay there until the pain goes away. I can't even bring myself to put my wedding ring on. I took it off the minute I found out yesterday. I have to keep moving because I have to. I have to put on a brave face for my kids, who know that there is something wrong, but they don't know what.
As of right now I still have no plans on leaving. I love this man, I have since the moment I met him, 14 years ago.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Of course he wants you to stay but he doesnn't seem remorseful. None of this is your fault. He needs to take full responsibility before you can reconcile. You don't need to decide anything right now. Do the 180 and take care of yourself and your kids right now. You may want to talk to a lawyer to get advice. Hugs.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Apr 2007
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I agree. The affair(s) are not your fault. Everyone has faults, everyone, and maybe yours is a disorganization with money.
But for him to tell you he is cheating because of you is just typical blame-shifting. He wants to take the high road when really he is doing noting but wallowing in the gutter of betryal.

He should be sitting down with you and talking about money, not running to some skank. If he can't live with it, then he should just leave. There is never, never, never, and excuse for infidelity. Never.

Time for a 180 and a talk with a lawyer. So, so, sorry he is doing this to you.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

There is a special place in hell for those who use Craigs List for hooking up! My STBXH did the CL hookup thing too and tried to blame his cheating on me. It's strait out of the WS handbook to minimize and blame shift.

Bunni, you must be a very strong person. You have been through so much already with the first D-Day and losing your house. Go back to your IC as soon as you can. Do you have anyone in real life that can help you out? This is more than any one person should have to handle without support.

Take your time deciding where to go from here and be gentle with yourself. You've been through a lot of emotional trauma.

((hugs))

*edited to correct my mistakes.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 9:50 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
bunni972
Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

My WH bought a notebook Friday night and started writing to me everyday. Said it helps him to get his feelings out. He was physically & emotionally abused as a child and has a hard time with his feelings at times. I started writing back and it's becoming a daily thing. Last night I asked him for more details among other things and needless to say he's been writing for a few hours now. Not really sure I am ready to read it all but I know I have to. It will help me. I am going to see my pcp tomorrow for some testing and find us a marriage counselor.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
bunni972
Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Told my pcp today about everything and decided to test for some std's. Started with G&C and we will go from there. Did find out that I have a nice uti though.
My sister-in-laws want to take me out to dinner tomorrow night to talk, these are my brother's wives. I filled them in because they are part of my support system from the last time this all went down.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 23rd (Monday)

Bunni, why in the world are you only getting a few STD tests? You need the full gammut, HPV, Ghonnoreha, chlamidia, HIV, Hepatitis, Vaginitis, all of it. That is insane that your Dr only did "part" of the panel. He gets to bill a visit and copay each time he gets you to come in. I know not the stuff you want to think about, but seriously this is no where near standard practice, and you may need to consider finding a new Dr.

In the meantime, keep reading here, keep posting, and remember your H has put his wants and needs first, and he has proven himself to untrustworthy, although taking the right steps, you need to put you first now too.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 10