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User Topic: Another sad familiar tale
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

D day - yesterday
My DH of 17 years has been having an EA for nearly 2 years and it turned into a PA 8 months ago. He has mental health issues and is damaged by childhood abuse and he's fallen into a trap of being flattered by another woman and instead of talking to me about his problems he spoke to her. I'm a physician. We have 3 children and I've been working so hard for the last few years when he's been so ill. I've not been at home and he's fallen into her bed
I found out last night because he was asleep a bit early and I was checking details of an email he was sent on his phone and he was telling another woman she was his best friend and calling her beautiful
I lay awake all night reading and we've spent a lot of time today talking. It's my intention that we should work at things. This is his first infidelity. There is a long way to go. I don't know if I can ever forgive him. He's got to do the work though.
Just need a hand to hold and some advice for these first traumatic days


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

marathon, I'm so sorry you find yourself here!

First thing I can tell you, you will get a lot of advice here. Not all of it will be good, but most of it is sound advice by people who've walked where you're trying to walk to now. Take what you need, and leave the rest.

I want you to stop using terminology like "he's fallen into a trap" or "he's fallen into her bed". He didn't "fall" into anything, he had an affair. Saying things like "he's fallen" tends to take the responsibility away from his actions and makes him sound like a victim in this, and he's not a victim. Mental health issues or not, unless she raped him, he's not a victim. We all have childhood damage (commonly referred to as "FOO" here, or family of origin), but we all didn't cheat on our spouse.

As a physician, I am sure you are aware of how incredibly important it is to get tested for STD's. Both him AND you. Safe sex is a myth, condoms don't keep everything out no matter how many you use.

I also want to tell you that, going by the numbers, the chance that you know everything is really very slim. I've been on here for over 5 years and have read thousands of stories, and them majority of people experience trickle truth, or TT. This is where you get a little bit of information now, then in a few days/weeks/months you get more information that was kept from you, wash rinse repeat. There really is no way for you to know that this was his first affair, even if he told his affair partner, or AP, that it was. My H told each of his AP's a totally different story in hopes that it would help them feel better about sleeping with a married man, and of course none of the stories he told any of them were true. He told some it was his first affair, some that it was his 2nd affair, and others he told he was single.

There are stages in dealing with this, even for people who are healers like yourself. Things will get better, then worse, then better, then way worse, and so on. It's called a roller coaster for a reason. Hang on!

Your husbands affair is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done to stop it, nor is there anything you did to cause it. He has poor coping methods and chose to have an affair rather than deal with his issues, much like alcoholics turn to alcohol to "fix" their issues rather than dealing with them the right way.

Take care of yourself, eat when you can, drink when you can, and get as much sleep as you can manage. Take care of your kiddos and know that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and it's going to take a while to get through all this muck. You CAN do it, I have done it. It took me 2 1/2 years to forgive my H and he did just about everything right from the very beginning, and I am NOT a forgiving person. So it is possible. He has a long road ahead of him as well.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 15th (Sunday)

Marathon,

Itdoesgetbetter offered you GREAT advice. It gives me hope that I too can forgive and move forward. We are both "new" to the betrayal and this has NOT been easy. My roller coaster dipped so low last night I drank an entire bottle of wine (I'm not a drinker) and then threw up for 2 hours. I just wanted the pain to stop.

You need to get real, and only accept honesty from him. Your B.S. meter will tell you, let it guide you. I do have days that are a little easier (I'm on day 14) but then BAM, it's happening all over again. I'm trying to find a good MC and somebody that can not only put my hair out (it's on fire) but also dig deep and get both our childhood traumas out.

So my advice to you is to get into therapy ASAP. Go alone or as a couple, but go! It's okay to vent, let it out. You're still in shock, the anger is be something you've never experienced before. That's okay, this is normal. You did NOTHING wrong. Stay strong, we're all here for you.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, September 16th (Monday)

you ID is very close to my heart...

I ran my first marathon just 2 weeks after DDAY.....lost 14 lbs in those 2 weeks and the marathon almost killed me cause I had nothing in the tank.....so if that was your meaning behind it....your are so right....the pain from running that thing on zero glycogen stores was pale in comparison to the pain I was feeling the weeks prior...wasn't even freaking close.....I could of run a 50K up mount ranier and it still wouldnt be close

[This message edited by Long Gone at 9:46 AM, September 16th (Monday)]


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 761 | Registered: Jun 2011
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 16th (Monday)

Step one: The affair and all contact needs to end with her and any other female that he might be talkign to. If the OW is married...forward that email to him....

His behavior is not your fault...in any way. He needs to own that. He sounds like he needs deep therapy.....my fww was much like he was....in many ways....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 761 | Registered: Jun 2011
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, September 16th (Monday)

I'm sorry, Marathon. The others have already chimed in with good advice.

Some of the words in your post struck me. That he had "fallen into a trap" and "fallen into her bed." You also speak of his illness with great care, but also seem to blame yourself for not being around.

He did not fall into anything. Regardless of his mental health issues, unless they are so incredible severe, he made a choice here. He was not trapped. He did not fall. You may just be using figures of speech, but just don't. In order to reconcile, since that seems to be what you want, he needs to own his choices - without excuses or mitigations - and you need to hold him responsible for those. Really, that is a critical step for reconciliation. Empathy has its place, but accountability does, too.

I wish you the best.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you all
I hadn't been back before. I've been posting elsewhere but it's not helping because its too much about how he's lying, I can't trust anything, I need to leave him and I don't want to keep defending him. I want to move on
More details - I believe it's been since January. They had sex 1-2 times a week and went out and met up in addition. They last had sex last Monday and last met on d day. She is married but only in name she says as her husband is gay. They apparently don't have sex. Which I don't believe meaning the STI check is looking for potentially life threatening impacts. This terrifies us both. It does mean we can't be certain of being safe to have sex again until December - 90 days after his last contact with her
No he didn't fall into her bed. He made a choice. He met her in secret as "just friends" for a long time before it became physical. But from the first secret meeting he was making a choice to betray me
But - his mental health stuff is/was huge. He nearly died in 2006 and has bipolar. I have mollycoddled and emasculated him ever since to protect him. I have kept him separate from real life to protect him. That doesn't excuse what he has done but he felt that I didn't need or want him and that he was no longer a man. Fertile ground for the first willing woman around.
His failings long before the affair was not to talk about how he felt. I have mourned and mourned the loss of the man I married since his first illness. But I wouldn't allow that man to come back. I'm not excusing him for his affair but I see so clearly that life as it was was hell for us both
He's promised no contact but is struggling. He has few friends - he doesn't work. I haven't really let him consider returning to work. He looks after the kids and I'm always out so he has little chance to make friends.
His remorse is obvious. He is answering all my questions. He is being so very kind to me. There's so much more to say but I could go on all day. That's enough of a start


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)

And long gone. I did a marathon in May and it was easy compared to this.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I think all the contextual stuff you've shared, Marathon, is important. However, and I don't mean to be repetitive, part of his emasculation, for example, was HIM. He has a responsibility to stand up and say, "Marathon, I don't feel like I have a life. Stop protecting me." He is an adult. You are not his warden.

Maybe I'm way downplaying his health issues. But if he was responsible enough to have children in his care, then he is responsible enough to stand up for himself - to you, to the OW, to everyone.

I'm only sharing all of this because I allowed myself to think in the early days that I was "too controlling," that I wasn't vulnerable enough to him, that I didn't allow him to play a leadership role. I believed that was a big factor in why he chose to have an A. But then I woke up and said to myself, "If he wanted to be a leader, he could have. If he wanted me to show more vulnerability, he could have asked." Affairs don't happen because of fertile ground, as you say - they happen because the cheater didn't want to take responsibiity for themselves.

I am so very glad he is being kind to you. If it is genuine, then that is a fantastic first step.

Hang in, Marathon.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Rule #1 of information handed to you about the OW/OMs spouse. Its almost always false........
I think Ill get a 100% from the people here......


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 761 | Registered: Jun 2011
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Yes. The contextual explains how he felt and to be honest how I felt. The passive disengaged ill man I was married to was my 4th child. He was not sexy to me.
But it does not excuse his affair. But it means I know where it came from and gives us something to work on.
Since d day - a lifetime but just 5 days - we have talked. I have told him how awful it has been for me not being able to tell him things or share with him for fear it would be too much. I've shared for the first time how I felt when he became ill. How scared I've been ever since. How I know I treated him like a child and how I thought I had to accept this diminished man because there was no sign of my vital amazing partner
These conversations have been incredible. He had no idea how I felt and I had no idea how he felt. Our marriage wasn't good. Yes we had good fun with the kids sometimes but not once were we truly focused on each other the way it was before. We messed up
But knowing that now I and DH just wish we had talked before because he broke our vows. He told this woman all this stuff about me destroying him which she and he believed. He made a very wrong choice. I'm so clear about the context. It's so obvious. Talking to him about my reality and his reality is easy. But there's a whole wall of pain because he cheated.
I am not excusing him and nor do I feel to blame for his affair. I've been unhappy and yet I've not done this. I could have. I've made a new life for me and lots of new friends. I've had moments when I've connected with sexy men. One in particular comes to mind. It would have been so easy to draw him in and start an affair myself. But I ran the other way. I'm not weak. I'm not a cheater.
I am managing really well with insight and strategies to hand him more responsibility and to work on bad habits we've got into.
But my devestation is another issue entirely. I am broken.
Due to the STI issue I stupidly phoned his AP. I tried to be all business like - have you had an HIV test? But she started ranting and I took the bait. I was vicious to her. I'm not proud of that.
She texted last night about all the stuff he told her. Stuff he believed about me controlling him. His perception of me loving him and protecting him which he now realises. I replied and told her we were together and strong. Then DH sent her a closure/ it's over text. He doesn't want to see her but is vulnerable still. The attraction for him was she needed him because she's a chaotic victim. He feels sorry for her now. Hell, I feel sorry for her. During our conversation and her text she totally thinks what they had was special and that only she knows and loves him. Even if me and DH don't make it to full reconciliation he won't end up with her. She is alone. But for my DH sympathy is dangerous. He needs to stay well away until he gets a lot stronger. I'm terrified he will see her or she will come round and he will weaken. He is reassuring him but I am terrified. He's staying away when our little one is at kindergarten and coming to see me at work and keeping his phone on him and texting me a lot. It helps but it's a tiny band aid over a gaping wound.
And then in the middle of all this I'm so delighted to have my man back. We've been talking and the who he was before he was first ill is here. The vital gorgeous man not the ill diminished child. I've not desired him for years. Now we are in full hysterical bonding. But being so careful until we've been for testing for sexually transmitted infections including HIV. I have my appointment tomorrow.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Please help
Struggling


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

((((((Hugs)))))))

Is there a friend for family member with whom you can lean onto for support or distraction?

When you leave your workplace head to your favorite coffee place .. Indulge in a yummy drink and time to yourself while listening to soothing background music..Buy yourself that pretty something that your were admiring for the longest time..Do anything you can to be kind to yourself and feel special..

After suffering a betrayal of this kind, you will need to process and heal from the grief, anger, and resentment of being lied to and betrayed by your WH...

Your WH will need to acknowledge that time/space and attention needs to be given to YOU as the one who is hurting..

You may need to detach from him long enough to regain your equilibrium before you can begin to focus on the marriage..

IMHO this individual healing has to happen before you can even BEGIN to work on the issues of the marriage..Don't allow his cheating to be rug swept..

In my case this healing didn't happen because my WH was incapable of remorse..WH didn't want to fix what he broke..He thought that the problem was me and that I drove him to cheat..WH and I will eventually D..
I resent WH! I want to strangle him every time I look at him...KWIM?


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Please check in and let us know how you are doing.. PM me any time..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I'm not in the US so my hours are different to yours.
I'm ok. A bit anxious but ok
He's being great and we are so good when we are together but I have work and he has his life and we have the children and we can't be together the whole time. She texted me again last night. Telling me I had to move on. All the time I've known him his name has been the shortened version of his full name. She called him the full name. She claims I made up the text he sent because it was from the short name. She's obviously trying to claim some intimacy or greater knowledge of him than I have.
I managed to get our 3.5 year old to go to sleep in her own room last night for the first time. Co-sleeping that long was not good for us on top of the years of not communicating.
Is looking for that insight and talking about it letting him off the hook too easily?
I don't blame myself for his affair but he is so remorseful and so concerned about me. I know real anger will hit at some point. It's good it's not here right now as he's been an emotional coward for his whole life and starting to face these issues is hard enough for us without my anger being overwhelming as well just yet. We will have to face it when it comes. I'm being totally authentic when I'm with him and I have to continue to be. That's ok when I feel sad or anxious or full of love but anger? He's terrified of anger after years of childhood abuse from his angry father.
I'm starting counselling for me soon. I need to. Couples counselling was something we did before but neither of us listened or changed. The whole mental health background complicates it and se have good insight and are talking well right now but eventually we have to do this. He isn't keen but he said he would do anything... He also needs to reconnect with his psych. That is in the to be resolved pile.
Also to be resolved is she's texting me every night. She won't accept it's over. I don't think she will accept it via email either as she thinks I wrote the text. He doesn't feel strong enough to see her because she will cry. He's tried ending it before and she cried and he comforted her etc etc. He's still an emotional coward but he recognises it has to be done somehow. Even a phone conversation on speakerphone might not work as she will know I'm listening.
We are going to the cinema together tomorrow. We've been out as a couple once still our 3 year old was born. That was foolish.
I wish I could have known what I know now before this.

[This message edited by Marathonwaseasy at 11:16 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

Re rug sweeping. I think I'm doing that more than him. I can hardly bear to say the words. I say "what happened". He says "what I did"
Still protecting him? Hard habit to break or protecting me. Don't want it to be real. although I know it was. I know what you say about detachment but I've been detached for years.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

The first thing you must do is go no contact with his AP. Block her texts, don't respond. Block her on e-mail, facebook, or any other means she has to contact you or your WH. Change your phone # if you have to. You can not begin to heal as long as she is still in the picture. He can not begin to detach his addiction to her until he is NC and dealing with the aftermath of this.

If she continues to harrass you,tell her you will file a restraining order and then do it if she continues. These AP are not dealing with a full deck at the moment either, so you must protect yourself and your family. Do not listen to him tell you he feels sorry for her, too bad. If she were a decent person she would have never gotten involved with a married man in the first place. Out her to her WH. You do not know for sure he is gay and even if he is he may still not want his wife out ruining other families.

Cheaters lie, AP's lie. Hell my WH went as far as to say the OW had cancer and he felt sorry for her. Some of them claim to be pregnant. You never know what kind of lie they will use next. Do not fall for it. Do not continue to protect him, he is not an invalid. If he has mental illness, he needs to address it. You can not continue to rug sweep this for him at your own expense. He did this and now he has to man up and take the consequences for his poor choices and you have to let him do that. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

My WH (how it hurts to call him that)
Wants to end it formally with her unless she lets go. She texted again last night telling me I had to move on. I think she will be in touch again.
He sent her a text to say its over but she said she knows it came from me. So escalation is necessary. A phone call on speaker phone is planned so I can hear both sides. Ok to feel sorry for her but any acting on that and he loses me. Red line drawn in sand. I feel sorry for her. He definitely doesn't feel ready to face her but we are both aware she could turn up at any time as she has no boundaries. He's promised to phone me immediately if that happens when I'm not there.
How likely is it that he will have to see her face to face to get the message through?
I guess the step after face to face if she continues to hassle will be restraining order. I have no idea how to contact her husband as he lives away mostly and is not apparently on FB.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

It isn't wrong to want to R. If you are going into this with both eyes wide open then that is good. You know what your issues are from the past, now you just have to determine what it is you need to move forward.

What do you need from him? NC, transparency, IC, MC...etc. Perhaps you need to make that list.
What do you need for yourself? You have a lot of work ahead of you, not only addressing the issue of the A, but the illness and the disfucntion of your marriage.

If you are BOTH willing to put in the work, Reconcillation is still an option. But you have to stop emasculating him, stop mothering him and make him stand on his own two feet and take responsiblity for his own life and actions.

I don't think recognizing the factors that lead to the breakdown of your marriage is protecting him, it is owning the issues, however he made the choice to have an A rather than speak to you, he has to own that.

You already know what you have to about the OW, block her completely and let her know further commuinciation is unwanted and will result in police/legal action.

It won't be an easy road but if you are willing to do the work, it is possible.

Good luck.

[This message edited by ninebark at 8:50 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Do not contact this OW anymore. He does not need a face to face with her or another phone call. He has told her it is over and that's all he needs to do as far as he is concerned. It doesn't matter who she thinks sent the text. She doesn't matter, your marriage is what matters. As long as you keep in any contact with her, you are just feeding the A. They don't care how many times you tell them it is over, until you show them they will just keep fishing. At this point words mean nothing, actions are what counts. NC=No New Hurts.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ok. If she texts again I reply saying further contact and I will contact police/lawyers regarding restraining order.
He doesn't want to face her but is that not letting him off the hook?
Maybe that doesn't matter
She will definitely turn up if I do that. She's convinced I'm forcing him to stay. I thought him speaking to her would get the message across better
Opinions are very welcome
And I'm working on the emasculating. I've booked an appointment for me to start counselling. He tells me he will arrange to see his psych. I think couple counselling will be needed but not yet. I want to get my shit together a bit first. Is that right? I was planning to do some work on me and see how we are in a couple of months when the immediate dust has settled


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

There is no right or wrong in this. And as my sister (who is a lawyer) once told me, you don't have to rush into anything right now. Take the time you need to get yourself together and then see how you feel. That way no matter what happens you can look back and feel comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could to save your marriage. Affairs are so devistating and there is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of yourself first.

As far as he goes, well he needs to step up and tell her that he does not want to see her again, with your present (phone, speaker phone..whatever). That proves to both of you that he has made his decision and he is committing to it.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

I think detachment in the sense I was using it in my advice to you wasn't the best choice of words for what I meant to say..

I think the focus needs to be on you, your sanity, healthy ways to get thru each day..

A lot of healing needs to happen for you first, no need to decide whether to leave or commit to rebuilding the marriage...Not just yet..Give it six months to a year and reassess your feelings and whether your WH's words match his actions...

You are gonna need priority of attention and care in regards to the trauma that you faced...It is best to come to terms with the fact that this somebody so close and immediate in your family would lie and betray you in such a manner before you set out to care for this particular person's needs..

R isn't going to look all that appealing (in fact it won't work) if you are the one putting in the most work with most of the attention and sympathy focused on WH's needs.. Your anger will come when it comes and it is too bad but your WH is going to have to deal with it, because you don't need to be holding back for his protection..A challenge may be to find healthy ways to release and express your anger..

A WS needs to own the damage caused by his/her lying and cheating ...He /she needs to realize that the damage he caused may be irreparable...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Ooops, we cross posted..

Please please don't worry about whether or not you are insulting your H's manliness...You have enough on your plate right now..

What I said in my previous post, focus on yourself and your healing...If you have to worry about insulting your WH's fragile ego than it sounds like you or your WH (or both)is blaming you for his cheating..
It will suck and it is not fair for you to go thru a marriage and a lifetime with a partner who consciously or subconsciously implies to you that he will cheat if you say the wrong word or do the wrong thing..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:05 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

Marathonwaseasy: If she texts, calls, comes by, anything. IGNORE her. Crickets. Dont respond to texts - you or him, do answer her calls, no answer the door if she shows up at it. Call the police if she comes to your door and wont go away. Its best to send the message that she doesnt exist from both of you. your WH owes this to you.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

* I mean DONT answer the door* sorry...


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, September 19th (Thursday)

(((Marathonwaseasy)))

Gently...why are you procrastinating getting your phone #'s changed?? If it is important that you keep your number, block her...now.

Firstly, it is not important what the crazy whore thinks. Push her and her creepy thoughts/actions out of your marriage. Start there.

Your WH and you should be turning to each other in all things...there is no room in your marriage for sympathy or any other feeling other than loathing for the that CCW (cray-cray whore).

Now is the time to gather your children close and turn inward to each other.

Let him help YOU, allow him to soothe YOU, Protect YOU.

He wants to be a KISA, let him be your KISA!

Doggiediva is right. You and your healing have to come first and when the shock of discovery wears off...well...all hell is going to break loose and you are going to get really MAD!

Anger is part of the grieving process. This is why everyone is saying don't rugsweep. YOU must be able to get through this crapfest and you will need his loving support.

Even through his mental illness, he may surprise you with HIS strength and love for you...Let him show you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I have to keep my number for work. Was waiting for her text last night. Didn't happen.
We went out to the cinema just the two of us. Was mostly lovely. At other times horrific but we did talk. We are talking a lot and it's painful but necessary.
Have tracked down her number from his mobile bills and seen the extent of his texting habit :(
But he's phoning her tonight on speaker phone to tell her it's over and if she turns up he will call the police. Then I will block her number
He's very worried she will threaten suicide but tough.
He will be strong. I've told him that it's either that or he loses me completely and I have no choice not to be strong


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 20th (Friday)

He spoke to her and he fell apart afterwards. He's trying to be strong. She was so cold and arrogantly saying she knew he was only saying that because I was listening. She knew better. It didn't count.
Whatever she thinks isn't important. I know that. I can see her coming round looking for him. I've blocked and deleted her number. He's staying away from home when the kids aren't there. Because he's really scared of her. He's devestated. I really feel for him but FFS I'm bloody hurting too. I'm starting counselling next week thankfully and he's going back to his psych.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)

So.....
This is my new reality
I'm mostly ok. Still in shock really. Ongoing rollercoaster
But I'm confused
It's still the first thought on my mind every morning. I know I have a long way to go. WH is trying so hard but most importantly he's listening to me. He had a mini breakdown Friday night. He used to keep so much hidden from me but its all holes barred now. A lifetime of trauma. How can I feel so sad for him and yet be so broken by his actions?
Trying to get my head round the 180. I don't think I'm doing it right. It says as I read it, hide your pain. I can't see why that's right. I'm not begging him or following him around but if I'm feeling particularly bad I tell him. If poor communication between us was the first step to our marriage struggling then surely we need good communication now.
I take 50% responsibility for our marriage. 0% for his affair
I have told him I will strive to forgive but I need to recover. I'm starting IC. I have made love to him. I have told him I love him. I do love him. But I hate him too.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

From what you are telling us in your posts, I think there is a lot of hope for you guys to save your M..

Your WH has to be the one to inspire and do the heavy lifting in regards to the healing of your relationship..The fact that you guys both still want to make love (to one another) is also a good sign..

For me, my WH was and still is un remorseful in the aftermath of D-day..He claims that I didn't give him enough of the quantity and quality of sex to keep him from straying...

So.., Do I want to try to keep him in the M by bending over backwards to give him all the perfect sex that he wants? Do I want that constant niggling thought in the back of my head that he is always grading my performance as a wife, always comparing me to others?

Ummm No!

My marriage pre A was too difficult for me, and unbalanced in his favor to begin with.. My marriage isn't worth saving when all of the work is one sided like what he is expecting for R to take place..I would rather have a life of my own, time to myself, single :/


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

How your situation plays out is really going to depend on how your WH conducts himself going forward in terms of dealing with his bi-polar disorder

M, your compassionate nature comes through very clearly in your writings.

However, you can't remain in the same dynamic that has been in place....with you as rescuer/mom. It sounds as if your WH is remorseful and upset by his behavior and what it has led to....and he needs to follow that up with actions that supplement that. Actions that go beyond showing remorse to you. HE needs to get a handle on HIS disorder and learn to deal with it in an adult manner.

Do NOT have your WH do a face-to-face *break up* with the OW. IMO, she was a symptom of his disorder and she now needs to be a non-entity. He sent a NC and he seems to want nothing to do with her. Who gives a shit what she thinks about the NC communication or any of the rest of it? If she continues to contact either of you, then send her a *stop contacting me or I will seek legal measures against you* text and (if she still continues), then look into some type of restraining order.

STOP with your 180 behaviors. Right now. The 180 is generally only applicable in situations where the WS is not remorseful and is acting like an ass-jack. Currently, your WH doesn't *fit* that criteria.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)

Actually I think some of the 180 behaviors are still appropriate, even with remorseful WS's...Or maybe these behaviors are not 180ing and I am mixed up, lol.. but here goes...

I think it is okay and highly appropriate that your WH knows that you need time and space to "huddle inward" and focus on yourself and your injury until you can recover enough to get thru the days and nights and have equilibrium...

Analogous to the needs of a person who just suffered a stabbing or other severe life threatening blow .....

This person who is a victim of a stabbing is gonna reel back and ask himself what the hell just happened and then immediately collapse ..If the person doesn't instantly die, it is gonna take him or her some time to get his/ her bearings and strength to get up and figure out what is injured and get help..Many times it takes the assistance of other people to get the victim to the help her or she desperately needs to stop the bleeding..

It is a blessing when one has a remorseful WS..Even when a WS feels and behaves as if he or she has true remorse the A can be a deal breaker for the BS..

The WS needs to realize that his or her A behaviors have caused a massive amount of damage in the M, possibly irreparable.. You don't owe WS anything at this point.Marriage responsibilities, such as connecting via sex or date nights,ect(on the part of the BS) can and should be suspended until such a time that this injured spouse can think clearly and has the strength to function and take baby steps forward .

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

M,
I just read through this thread. I am so sorry that you are here, and dealing with this.
Of course it is the first thing on your mind everyday. It will be for some time. This stuff is tough, but you sound like a strong woman.

End the 180. You are both trying to work toward reconciling. But do turn your attention inward and focus on you and your kids. IC for you both is a great idea. I wouldn't do MC right now. I feel strongly if you are able to communicate and work through the A stuff, wait for MC. Until you are both healthier, more healed. You really need the support that you can get from IC, and perhaps friends or family IRL.

Also, you will need to break the marital pattern of you protecting him and watching out for all of his needs. You realize this. You are very empathic, and realize that it is good for neither of you. That stuff is really hard to do though. Keep working new ways to communicate and to share your lives. (Including the work of the family)

Thinking of you. Feel free to pm me if you need support, particularly in those off usa hours.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, September 23rd (Monday)

Thanks so so much everyone
Mornings are very tough for me ( I'm in Uk and it's 10am nearly). I waken early and I feel dreadful for a few hours. Today reading what you have written has been such a help
We are making progress but it's not easy. It's vital for his bipolar that he sleeps otherwise his mood crashes so I can't sit up all night talking to him or waken him for a hug at 6am. That feels like I'm still protecting him from things. The balance was all wrong before but it's not easy getting it right. He wants me to come to the next appointment he has with his shrink. I'm ok with that for a while but long term it's his illness/ his responsibility.
But we are already making more decisions together and he sees that it isn't fun having to make all the decisions which I was doing. Changes. The next big thing is an honest appraisal of our finances together for the first time. Not fun. Necessary though
My issues with the AP are my issues though. No more attempts to get the message across are planned but it irks me that she thinks he will be back. I am fantasising about what I will say if she turns up. I think she will. She can't contact any other way as he's changed his number and I've blocked her.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Another day survived. Actually feel ok this morning.
If my entire world was destroyed on dday leaving me terrified and exposed I feel I've now got a small shelter to keep me safe.
I am so lucky. He really does love me and he is doing everything he can to show me and clearly he wants R as much as me.
But obviously I'm still very scared
I wish I knew what to expect. It's such a rollercoaster but I can't even see what the next high or low will be. Right now I want him close and I'm so focused on us I find myself distracted with work and the kids. Not dangerously so but still. When will and how will we calm down the hysterical bonding to enable us to live normally. What about anger? When will that hit? What if? What if? Voices in my head
But there's so much good stuff here to help me. Thanks


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Another day. This morning I was fine when I woke. Still waking very early though. But for past 4 hours I've been crippled with anxiety. Awful. Awful.
No reason why it hit then. He met me for lunch. Is looking out for me. He's doing stuff. Taking charge. No longer drifting through life.
Can it last ?
I'm waiting for her to turn up or contact me or an accidental meeting. We live in a small town. He's avoiding places she might be. I'm obsessing about what might happen. I loathe her


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Only time will tell if WH's actions are going to be consistent and long lasting.. Eventually you will fine tune your life in such a way that you will be okay with or without WH..Once you have some clarity and have a plan for what your life is going to look like, post A, the anxiety attacks will start to disappear..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

Marathon-
All of your feelings are so normal. I think that an affair can be a huge wake-up call for a marriage. Of course, it is like taking a sledgehammer/atomic bomb to it, but when there are patterns that we are stuck in, sometimes the sledgehammer gets things unstuck.

So, you are seeing that there is a lot of potential, and I am proud of you guys for trying to work this out -- for seeing the good that is still there. I would encourage you to go to MC with this new perspective and get some tools so that you don't get locked down like this again. Plus, you are going to need the support. MC early has been key for us.

The OW sounds like a basket case - -avoid her at all costs!

Try to be patient and loving with yourself. Read the positive reconciliation stories, put your head down and keep working, and have faith that things will be better, no matter the outcome.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm starting my own IC this week. I want to be a bit stronger before MC. I've decided this is about my recovery and him taking charge and me not being the strong one for now. I think MC could be started too soon. We are making changes in the things we've identified.
I feel at times like its death or glory and I'm just going to throw all my efforts into trying for R but then I feel sick with fear that it will be more death than glory.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I'm starting my own IC this week. I want to be a bit stronger before MC. I've decided this is about my recovery and him taking charge and me not being the strong one for now. I think MC could be started too soon. We are making changes in the things we've identified.
I feel at times like its death or glory and I'm just going to throw all my efforts into trying for R but then I feel sick with fear that it will be more death than glory.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)

I think I started MC too early and put it on hold few weeks while did few sessions of IC. I think it will make a big difference (I also changed MC as I made a big mistake in choice of first who kept talking about co-responsibility for the affair(rather than for marital problems) of the BS. Anyway, wanted to say get strong and hope you have moments when pain passes or at least isn't front and center...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)

He's off to STI clinic this morning. I'm working. The new reality. I can't protect him from pain. Even though I still want to despite the pain he's caused me. Crazy

What do I want?
Not an easy question to answer actually. I haven't asked that in years
I want more fun. My life has all been about work for years. I want to move to a smaller house and work a lot less. Nurture friendships and laugh and make plans and run. Last night I ran for the first time since dday. He pushed me out the door to get me to go and I appreciated that so much. I need to run as it's where I get my space to think and feel. I've been a bit scared of that since dday. But it was good.
On a more serious note I want to be able to feel. I've issues from childhood made worse by his illness that mean I find it much easier to bury feelings than to feel them. I've worked on not eating my feelings away and have lost weight and that's great but I'm still not tackling this. Some of my anxiety is the fact I can't allow myself to feel angry with the AP never mind my husband. I start IC tomorrow to address that.
What I mainly want for my husband is for him to address his mental illness and do all he can to be as well as he can be.
I want R. But a genuine R and to get there properly I need to feel the pain and we have a lot of shit to address
I realise it will take time but I am just going one step at a time for now
I also want the psychopathic witch to suffer. A lot


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)

Big moment for me this evening
I was just feeling very sad and instead of denying it to myself or my WH I just tried to let myself feel it. I didn't eat it away either. It has faded a little now
He's gone out to swim and I feel ok about that. Fairly calm compared to last week when he did the same. Will still check on find my iPhone that he's where he said he was but less scared about what I will find


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, September 26th (Thursday)

I couldn't find my thread
There are so many of us finding out this stuff right now
Is it always like this?
Another day begins
My first IC session later. Hopefully a run after dinner to clear my head a little and order my thoughts


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Topic Posts: 45