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Just Found Out
User Topic: I am new here. So hurt!
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, September 14th (Saturday)

Well, here goes. I can barely bring myself to get these things out so please bear with me.

I have been lurking here reading some of the posts and it seems there are a lot of caring and compassionate people on here.

My WH travels for work and always has, he always will because of the nature of the work he does. This is his first time cheating on me. We have been married for 20 years, together for 25.

We have been raising my grandchild for the last 11 years so I am not free to travel with him anymore. He says he got lonely so he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore and has found someone else to meet his needs. I am almost 55, he is 51. The OW is 57 and is married to someone who is incarcerated. At least that's what he told me.

My D-day was June 2,2013. That was just 2 weeks before our 20th anniversary. I filed for D on July 31, 2013.

I have not been employed for over 6 years because I was raising a child and couldn't find a job to where I would be home for her after school.

Now I have a chronic lung disease, chronic bronchitis, and emphysema. I am not getting disability, one lawyer I spoke to said I wasn't eligible. My STBXH still sends me money, even though it kills him to do so. It is not consistent so I am always worried about paying the bills.

I feel just horrible and can't seem to bring myself out of this fog I am in. I have renewed my faith and that has helped me a little. I just feel lost!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I forgot to mention that this whole thing (D-day and everything after) was completely done by telephone. I haven't seen him since the day before.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Welcome, sorry for the circumstances. I'm pretty much in the "just found out" category and completely reeling from the information and images going through my head.

I wanted to give it some time and not make decisions when I was on the roller coaster. I'm on Day 13 of receiving the whole truth and my WH wants to work things out.

I have not been employed for over 6 years because I was raising a child and couldn't find a job to where I would be home for her after school.

Well then your eligible for spousal support. I know how hard this is, especially when your whole world is shattered in seconds. Hang in there, write to me privately if you need to vent. There is a book I'd like you to get and read it's called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring -- it focuses on the healing that you need to do.

You're not alone, and yes you're right the people on here have been so supportive. Really does help


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

I am really hurt over this. I know everyone here has felt this, it just helps to 'say' it.
I know I am going to get alimony, permanent alimony. I just find myself almost obsessing over this whole mess. If I could just go no contact I think I could improve, but I have to speak to him at least once or twice a week about getting funds to pay the bills.

I feel numb.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Gajit
Sorry you are here.
Read here in the healing library.
Go see a lawyer and know your legal rights. You want to protect your assets!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SurelyNOT
Member
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Similar situation, husband works away from home quite a lot, but not as much as we were lead to believe. Had already moved in with OW, denied all initially and said we had nothing to worry about, nothing was going on. Paycheques have been diminished for the past year, was getting cash advances (I was unaware of this), funding this affair and her 10 year old son. So hurt and betrayed, trying to hold it together for our two daughters (13 and 17). Haven't seen him since end of July, he's working out West, all our conversations were conducted over the phone. Some days I'm up and more often than not, I'm not. This is so very hard, do they even realize the extent of the hurt they have caused? I recognize your hurt and sense of loss, and hope you can find solace soon. Regards :-)

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, September 14th (Saturday)

Gajit, any time someone applies for disability, it's the norm for that application to be denied. If you appeal, you have just jumped through the first hoop.

Get some physicians to document that you are disabled and cannot work. You might also need to see a psychologist for more documentation.

Do you have a court order yet for spousal support or alimony? Does it include that he will be paying for your health insurance?

I think there might be a way for you to receive support payments automatically, much like many people pay their rent, with an automatic transfer from their account to a different account for the landlord on the first of every month.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

In the final draft of the divorce will be that he has to provide me with health insurance. He only has 2 more weeks to retain a lawyer/respond to the summons. I hope he doesn't because then I will be able to default him.

I am having trouble in my mind disconnecting from our marriage. I still live in our marital home and almost everything I see reminds me of our life together. Sometimes I drift off in daydreams thinking about our 25 years together. I wish I could get past this and just move on!! UGH!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 15th (Sunday)

Also, I wish I could tell the OW's BS. He is in prison and I'm not even sure of her last name. He might even condone her doing this.

I will never understand a female sleeping with a married man, or vice versa! I don't want to! It's so selfish and self-serving!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

I was thinking today that I could try to communicate to him that we still have a chance if he wants to. I just don't know because, he only has 13 days left to respond to the summons I served on him for divorce.

Any ideas or words of wisdom out there? I am torn.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Please. Just pray that he doesn''t respond. And then take him to the cleaners, get your SS established and hopefully, some CS for your grandchild.

You know, at any time, if he pulls his head out of his ass and actually fixes himself enough to where you feel like you want to take a chance on him again, you can do so. Married or not. But right now, given that he hasn''t even TRIED to man up enough to do what''s right for you, I would finalize the divorce and get into IC. And keep detaching from him. His actions say that he doesn''t care for you, he''s fired you from the job of being his wife, and he has no intention of acting like a true man and making good his stinking decisions. Trust in what his actions are telling you, not what your poor bruised heart is saying. This is the time that you have to think with your brain and not with your heart. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you Skan for responding. You are right. I think I was having a moment of weakness.

ONWARD!!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Awwww Bless you, Gajit. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts your way. You are so strong! I admire you for that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you! I am trying really hard to get through this, if not for me, for my granddaughter who had faith in him as well. She called him her papa. Now she doesn't even want to see or talk to him. This is so hard for both of us but I guess I have to put my big girl panties on and follow through.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
chiquita
New Member
Member # 39558
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 17th (Tuesday)

Dear Gajit. I am sorry you found yourself here. I am on my 9 month after DDAY and I still hurt so much.What I have learned is that you have to take your time to heal.You have to go through all the emotions, anger, devastation, pain and anguish in order to heal. It takes time and for everyone is different. I have had good days, bad days and horrible days where everything seems to have lost meaning.
Above all, you have to take care of yourself. Eat well; try to rest, sleep and as much as possible control your thoughts because they are a really bad enemy. I also have realized that no matter what I do, I will not control nor change my husband. If he wants to cheat again, he will do it. The only important person right now should be you. Find something that you like to do and spend time indulging in it. Also, spend good quality time with your child, she needs you and she will be your strength when you are down.
Tell yourself, over and over again, that he is not worth your pain and your love, if he was capable of doing what he did and is not showing any remorse or the will to make things work between the two of you, he doesnít deserve you. It doesnít matter who she is, what matters is what he is or is not. I read a posting here in SI where they came to the conclusion that men usually find someone weak, beneath you because they will receive the validation they need from them, not because she is better than you. In your case that is a given, you already know she is not worth.
Please go ahead with the legal aspect of the divorce, demanding everything that you are entitled to. Donít think of how it is going to affect him, he didnít think of you when he decided to walk away. I suggest stopping contact with him, at least phone calls and meetings, trying e-mail or texting when you need to communicate with him.
I send you hugs and know that everyone here is very supportive and understand very well what you are going through.


Beyond myself
Me: 53 years
WH: 56 years
Married: 30 years
DDAY: Jan 22, 2013

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Florida
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)

I would LOVE to stop talking to him! He, however doesn't do texting or email. He is very technologically challenged. That's one of the things he hates about me. He is a dinosaur, I am a butterfly.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I was at a convenience store today and saw a woman, (who I totally imagined as the OW). I felt like slapping her skanky ass and telling her to do us all a favor and die. She was probably 45-50, dressed in daisy duke shorts and a tight t-shirt and was bouncing all over the place. Everyone was staring at her.

I just want this shit over with.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, September 19th (Thursday)

I wonder how he would respond if he thought I had another man interested in me?

Any feedback would be nice.

The other man I am referring to is God. But do I have to tell him that?


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, September 20th (Friday)

No great or profound advice, just compassion and understanding for your wretched situation .
Stay strong, treat yourself well and know we all understand your pain.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2012
RockyMtn
Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, September 20th (Friday)

I wonder how he would respond if he thought I had another man interested in me?

Go re-read Skan's advice above. Don't bait him.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 20th (Friday)

Well, here I am, trying to do the no contact thing or 180 or whatever the fuck it is called. I am doing it for me because I really need to heal. After him deserting us, then BOTH of my counselors deserting me I feel so distraught. Everyone just left me hanging. Except for God. He is still there and I feel like that is my only stronghold.
He sent me money today, which I have to use most of it for bills, well, all of it. He is such a selfish prick. I hope he had fun when his brother visited him and his whore while they were travelling. Burns me up that he is making memories with some POS whore who doesnít deserve my thoughts. I bet she is ugly as fuck. Thatís what he says he is interested in, just a fuck. I wonder if she knows that. Who cares?
I need to start healing and I am PRAYING that he doesnít have a lawyer on time.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
forlornheart
Member
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, September 20th (Friday)

I'm sorry you are going through this heartbreak! My husband of 18 years is having an EA, breaking my heart and all 4 of our daughters heart.

I too have a physical disability so I know how hurtful it is when they have so little regard for you! Or your health!

I gave him 20 years of my life....but not a minute more.

I'm one month past DD.



Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, September 21st (Saturday)

Gajit, I am so sorry for what you're going through. This is the worst pain anyone can feel, I know it. I lost my beloved mother six months ago after sitting beside her bedside for two months watching her suffer, and the pain of that was NOTHING compared to the agony of my husband turning away from our marriage after 24 years. But you are doing all the right things - let that anger come, it will cleanse you. And carry on resisting the temptation to offer him anything or bait him. You are doing so well. I hope you have some good friends in real life - mine absolutely saved me. My message to you is that this WILL take some time, but as long as you focus hard on moving on and disengaging from him, eventually the pain will go - and in my case once it went it never came back. Not one atom of me wants my STBXH back, or would turn back the clock. You'll get through this - but keep getting all the support you can. People are here for you. xx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

He called me last night wanting me to do something for him on my computer. I told him to figure it out for himself. He fired me as his wife when he cheated on me. Hello! I filed for DIVORCE!

He just wanted a legal separation, but I decided that I would NOT tolerate his behavior. I am DONE! I wish I could drive the Karma bus right up his ass!

Hmph! That felt good.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

Way to stand up for yourself! You GO, lady! (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, September 21st (Saturday)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain. Stay strong. Sometimes it's worse to stay with them and spend the whole time wondering if they're cheating. In relation to that aspect of it; you never really get any inner peace and you're always in turmoil.


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

I found a program I can use to spy on his phone without him knowing. Not sure whether to use it or not.
I had to try to call him today to see if he is sending this weeks funds today but he didn't answer, and his voicemail is full. (He likes it full because he doesn't use it.)
Any advice would be appreciated.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Confused85
New Member
Member # 40813
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, September 28th (Saturday)

I'm sorry for what u are going through right now. I know it suck that u have to talk to x after the D.
I assume when u fill out disability form that u claim your husband in with u. If u did then maybe his income is what stopping u from getting disability. Maybe u can refile after the divorce.


Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long

Posts: 19 | Registered: Sep 2013
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, September 29th (Sunday)

UPDATE:

Tomorrow is the 30 day mark of him being served papers. He STILL has not gotten a lawyer, and is presently working in another state with skank-MOW in tow.
My MIL called me last night. She thinks he is having a mid-life crisis. Waa-flippin-waa!
I am calling my L tomorrow to make an appointment for the final draft of our divorce. I can't wait until this sh!t is over with! I hate living in limbo-land!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Another update:
He called me from work today, didn't have much time to talk. He said he will call me later to talk about "us". My hands are shaking.
I have an appt. with my lawyer tomorrow morning to talk about the final draft of the divorce. (I am not going to tell WH that.)
I am so nervous!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Gajit,

Stay strong honey! What I see is someone who has totally messed up and is now trying to do damage control. He hasn't gotten a lawyer and probably is seeing the significance of his actions and, now, he want to talk about "us"? He wants to buy some time.

Be very, very careful here. Don't let him play with your head here at the eleventh hour. Stay on task and follow thru with the D process. He needs to show you that he wants "us" before you consider R. Right now you need to protect yourself and your granddaughter.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 744 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Gajit

You stated you found your faith. Please know that not only are we are all here for you, so is God.

Lean on Him. When nothing makes sense (and it won't for a very long time) know that God does have a path and a journey for you.

I don't want to get to preachy but I felt compelled to remind you of this.

My faith and my children were the only thing that got me through a year of suffering.

Stay strong. Stand tall. You have done nothing wrong.

You get to call the shots not him.

He doesn't get a mulligan (do over).

Good luck. Big hugs and prayers.

God is with you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Be very, very careful here. Don't let him play with your head here at the eleventh hour. Stay on task and follow thru with the D process. He needs to show you that he wants "us" before you consider R. Right now you need to protect yourself and your granddaughter.

Just what "outanowhere" said.

I say fuck him & his whorebag with whorebag titties. (my newest phrase for OW) LOL...believe it or not, a co-worker of my husbands was yelling this at an X-box game when he lost & I just loved it & felt it fit for most OW out there so am keeping it.)

But your WH has had the chance to R but waited this long?!?! Really? So he can get back on your good side, make you think he wants to R but then go right back to WB W/ WBTTS??

I know you are stronger than this but my XWBH did this too & I was torn. We had just days left to be final, but in the end, I knew in my heart I would regret stopping the D, so went through with it & am so glad I did.

We are here for you.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)

Everyone has pretty much covered the *practical* side of things, but I have this to add......
You mentioned that everything in your home reminded you of him and your life together. So......I'm suggesting that you box up his shit and reclaim your space. Make your home *yours*......


eta: oh, and don't bother with the *spyware* for his phone. It'll just prolong your suffering......and waste a bunch of your time.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:59 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8023 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)

Thank you for your suggestions and your wisdom.

I have an appointment with my lawyer for Oct. 14th. Unfortunately thats the soonest one I can get because he is going on vacation for a week.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I have a default hearing in front of the judge on Dec. 16th. I so hope that WH doesn't show up!

I somehow always had the hope that he would come home to us.

Now he's been with MOW for 6 months and I can just imagine how stupid she is.

I wish this pain would end!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 36