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User Topic: Alone, struggling, and missing my family
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

DDay was almost two months ago. I had a 9 month affair with a coworker. She found out through my text message history, which gave her all of the gory details.. :(

She moved out this week. Papers are filed, and we are selling out dream home because I brought OW into it.

I don't get to see my kids today. It is eating me alive. All I want is my family back, but she doesn't believe that I am at all remorseful.

I don't know where to go from here. I hope, pray, and wish that she would give me a chance.

Maybe in time, but she is just mean to me now (and I deserve that). She refuses therapy, insists I am still having an affair, and won't talk to me but about very basic things to do with the kids.

I never meant to have an affair. It wasn't something I set out to do. I was mentoring someone who was going through hard times at home. That was how it started. The tangled web grew from there, and eventually I had compartmentalized things so much that I just kept on going at home and had convinced myself that the affair would end.

i was selfish, naive, and now I have to live with it...


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

Hi Jim,

Welcome to SI. You'll find the support that you need here.

I'm sorry you are struggling. The consequences of our actions suck! Too bad we aren't thinking of that before we cheat . We become really good at compartmentalizing, living in denial, all the unhealthy stuff. I understand.

You cannot control what your BW is doing, but you can work on you. Do some work to figure out why, even though you 'never meant to have an affair' (neither did I ), you allowed it to happen.

Are you in IC? That would be a good start.

Your BW may not change her mind, but either way, you will become a better, healthier person and that is a good thing.

I hope you get to spend some time with your kids soon.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37386 | Registered: Sep 2007
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

Thanks, AN.

I am in IC. We tried MC, but BS was't willing. The only hope I have left is that she told me a few days ago that she has at least had "thoughts" about us/our family.

The legal process is moving forward, and she is barely even talking as it relates to the kids.

I have been lying in bed for three hours since waking up. I am longing for the pitter patter of my son's feet...

I give it 99.5% no-shot on reconciliation. She has said she wants to be with someone who has never cheated, and that can't be me.

I am teetering between acceptance and depression, with a strong leaning towards depression...

I wish she was willing to try. I am committed to her healing, rebuilding trust, and being the man I once was...

-J


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 2nd (Monday)

Hi,

Welcome to SI.

being the man I once was...

Sorry, but this is not what I would aim for, the man you once were is the one that cheated on her. Strive to figure out why you could do this, and fix it. Get out of bed and get to work on this. Start reading, start looking internally and see who you are. There is a lot of work there and you need to get to it.

Stick around, there are great people here that can help you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
dieseldog
New Member
Member # 40527
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

You won't get over anything unless you do something about it.

I fell in love with a girl before I met my exw and she was always around my house being my BWs sister, it was always a temptation and one day it got the better of me, I know why my relationship and marriage didn't work, because I didn't want it but felt tied to it because of the kids, my feelings for another woman were stronger than those for my exw and family I had.

I miss the kids terribly but it is a loss I will suffer as I cannot live in the same county as them without her turning up and hounding me.

You have to find out what was missing in your marriage and find out why you had such poor boundaries as to be able to cheat.

Good luck.

DD


I shalt not judge, you do as you wish and wish for your consequences.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: The land of nod.
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, September 2nd (Monday)

Jim: I'm sorry you find yourself here but you have definitely come to a place of help and support. I can sympathize with how you feel. I was asked to leave earlier today (and a few times before). Every time it kills me to leave. I hate what I've done and who I've been. I know its necessary though for my BS to heal. Aside from my remorse and longing to be with my beautiful BS, the part that hurts the most about leaving is the kids. I saw you miss the pitter patter of the little feet. How young? I have a 13 month old that I adore and a 12 y/o step daughter that I love like my own. Knowing my actions will hurt them adds more to my depression as well. I've lost something like 40 pounds since DDay. Keep working on yourself because that's the only hope we WS have to earn our BS back (for those who want R).


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)

~8 months and 2.5yo. :(

I got ~4 hours with them tonight. A lot of the rest of my day was spent trying to sell our dream home (she can't stand the thought of keeping it). I am losing my shirt on it, but it doesn't matter if it keeps my family together.

She is so mean to me, and continues to reiterate that there is no chance. I don't know that I have much hope left of reconciliation. She has to be at least talking to me, yes?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

Jim: wow, it feels like 8 months for us was years ago. i'm sorry you are missing that but very happy you're at least getting a little time with them. even though your BS is being mean, at least she's letting you see the kids. there's always hope. If she's letting you see your kids, you'll have to interact with her at least a little. In those moments is when you can show you are working on healing and changing. When I keep staring down the road about to be kicked out, I remind myself that if that happens, I need to spend the time wisely to heal and fix myself so that someday I'll be safe in the eyes of my betrayed. At the very least, I would need to change for my kids so I can set a better example and they can learn from my mistakes instead of repeating mine!

[This message edited by 1DumbHusband at 12:34 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)

1DH,

I hope there is still a chance. She really isn't talking with me, even during the exchanges. Anything said is typically sharp, mean, accusatory, or something similar. Usually along the lines of "you destroyed our family". She was tearing up when I picked up the boys for my four hours with them last night.

Supposedly one of her friends is willing to talk with me today. I just hope to relay that I am actively working on continuing to learn more about myself and the things that lead me to make this decision.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

The legal process is sort of like an avalanche at this point. I can't seem to slow ANYTHING down, and my BS is choosing to communicate about almost everything ONLY through attorneys.

I am discouraged, as I don't see her and I having any real conversation in the near future.

I have thought about writing her a letter. I have thought about trying to get her friend to watch the kids so she and I can go to dinner and just talk. I haven't acted on these, but will broach the subject with her friend today.

I am 99% sure BS will just tell me she wants nothing to do with me...


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

A friend of hers tells me she still loves me, but that the aftermath (legal, etc.) has added to our issues. She says to write her a heartfelt letter expressing that I don't want to divorce, and that I am willing to provide whatever she and the boys need (by way of time, support, money, etc.).

I made the mistake of letting my attorney know I was going to send something like this. She said "do not -- not right now, her attorney just told me that your asking her back is being construed as harassment -- that I am 'messing with her head'".

Now what ;/


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)

She really isn't talking with me, even during the exchanges. Anything said is typically sharp, mean, accusatory, or something similar. Usually along the lines of "you destroyed our family".

This will continue so strap in and be prepared if you truly want to R. In all my contemplating since DDay, I've asked myself this simple question: "if this is the new "normal", is it something I want to go thought for the rest of my life if we stay together?" This is a hard question to face sometimes. I can honestly say that every time I ask myself, the answer is always "yes"! If this is the new normal, are you prepared for her to always be cold and callous towards you? Would you still want her if she agreed to R, but always had triggers and became this hateful person for however long again?

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

Personally I would seek a new IC. I've spent the last 6 years blame shifting for my actions. I clearly don't need help doing that anymore. What I need is to fix me and how I've been thinking/acting. So if I was seeing an IC who was encouraging me to blame shift, I'd find a new one...but that's me.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

I am a little concerned as my Therapist is really putting the blame on my BS. Yes, we were lacking in a lot of areas (intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), but I need to own my choices. Putting it on her isn't going to help.

I am 99% sure BS will just tell me she wants nothing to do with me...

And that's true. But the worst thing she can do is say no right? If she says no, just accept that she's not ready and continue working on you.

A friend of hers tells me she still loves me, but that the aftermath (legal, etc.) has added to our issues. She says to write her a heartfelt letter expressing that I don't want to divorce, and that I am willing to provide whatever she and the boys need (by way of time, support, money, etc.). I made the mistake of letting my attorney know I was going to send something like this. She said "do not -- not right now, her attorney just told me that your asking her back is being construed as harassment -- that I am 'messing with her head'". Now what ;/

I'm no attorney, so I can't tell you whether he's right or not. Her attorney could advise her to get a restraining order against you because of the "harassment" and then you might not get to see the kids at all. It's a tough choice. Deep down you'll have to do what you feel is right in your heart. You could write it and ask the friend to read it to her. Let the friend (who gave you the advice) be the one to present it in a non-threatening way since she suggested it. The friend could always ask your wife: Jim wrote this letter. Would you like to read it, would you like for me to read it, or should I throw it away? Then she has a choice in the matter.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thanks 1DH. My 99% sure she will say no is closer to 99.99 today. She swung by the house last night so I could see the boys (and to see if AP was there. She told me she KNOWS I am continuing the affair, and wants to know what I was doing at AP's house the prior evening. I wasn't at AP's house the prior evening, but rather than engage, I just asked why do you think that? I dropped off the boys and came home... She then started talking about subpoenas and phone records, etc.

She called me again at 7:56 am (on the home line, mind you -- which we never use). Assuming to make sure I was here? She said "2.5yo's school needs a picture of his family, do you want me to send one with me and the boys and you can send one with your family?" I ask, what do you mean "my family", she says "you and AP. I know you are still having an affair and anything else will be a lie".

I have already tried the 100% transparency when we were under the same roof. Now we aren't under the same roof.

I asked what I could do for her and the boys, space, help, support, financially, etc. She said "the only thing is divorce" and hung up on me. I texted back that I was still willing to talk if she would talk to me since she called me.

I love her. I will always love her. I know my actions have put her in "this place". I am truly beginning to think she won't be able to get out of "this place". She has cut blood relatives out of her life for less... (her own mother, for one).


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Painfuljourney
Member
Member # 40208
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 5th (Thursday)

BS here. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I really am. I do see you have true remorse. It sounds like your BS is wounded pretty bad. It's hard either way she goes, R or D.

I think you need a new IC if they are placing blame on her. An A never is the BS fault. WS always has the option of trying to work it out or leave first.

The only way I'm strong enough to R with my husband is my faith. Otherwise, my human understanding of things puts me in a terrible place.

I do commend you on your remorse and taking responsibility for your actions. Yes, it might not be enough. But learn from it and make it a positive. Beating yourself up and being depressed isn't going to make up for it. We all make mistakes and yes, yours is a doozy. But you are alive and breathing and God still has a purpose for your life.


BS (me) - 44
WH - 46
DD - July 1, 2013
2 daughters, 14 and 10

Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Thanks, PJ.

I meet with my IC tomorrow. I am going to address that head on. I also meet with the MD in the same office. Going to talk about my depression.

I guess my biggest heartache is that BS won't even talk with me. I can't fathom any headway if we can't talk at all. I am not sure if time will fix that or not...

I fear very strongly that this is D, no chance of R. I am going to keep fighting for my family though....


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

Work on yourself, and try to imagine yourself as the ideal parent without BS by your side. When you get depressed try harder. These kids need you to be that person. For me, I didn't start making real changes until I accepted that I may to go at this alone.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 5th (Thursday)

She swung by the house last night so I could see the boys (and to see if AP was there. She told me she KNOWS I am continuing the affair, and wants to know what I was doing at AP's house the prior evening. I wasn't at AP's house the prior evening, but rather than engage, I just asked why do you think that? I dropped off the boys and came home... She then started talking about subpoenas and phone records, etc.
She called me again at 7:56 am (on the home line, mind you -- which we never use). Assuming to make sure I was here? She said "2.5yo's school needs a picture of his family, do you want me to send one with me and the boys and you can send one with your family?" I ask, what do you mean "my family", she says "you and AP. I know you are still having an affair and anything else will be a lie".

I have already tried the 100% transparency when we were under the same roof. Now we aren't under the same roof.

I asked what I could do for her and the boys, space, help, support, financially, etc. She said "the only thing is divorce" and hung up on me. I texted back that I was still willing to talk if she would talk to me since she called me.

I love her. I will always love her. I know my actions have put her in "this place". I am truly beginning to think she won't be able to get out of "this place". She has cut blood relatives out of her life for less... (her own mother, for one).

This sounds like a lot of pain and anger from your BS. Right now, you have to accept the anger and do your best not to respond with anger or defensive statements. Stay the course, take the criticisms and continue to show you're not doing anything when she lets you. If she keeps calling at 7am, let her call. Every time she calls, stops by, checks whatever and you aren't giving her additional reasons to doubt, you're building up a little bit of credit with her. Granted it's pennies towards a $1mil debt, but you have to start somewhere. Keep offering 100% transparency if she wants to see it. Access to emails, phone records, whatever. Actually, print them off ahead of time in case she asks for them. Then you can show her before she even asks or subpoenas them. Even if R isn't possible, there are stories of couples who have R after D. Just because there's D doesn't mean the fight is over if she is what you truly want. Time is truly your friend and enemy. Your BS needs time to heal, but that time is going to be agonizing for you to see if you'll have a chance. At least you still get to see the kids. Be the best dad you can and make sure they know how you feel towards them. They're gonna need that from you more than anything since you're not at home with them!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I haven't posted in a while. I have been severely depressed. I sold the house. I am still seeing the IC.

I am living in one of my investment properties. Court is a snowball. I can't slow it down.

She continues to send me reminders (wedding pictures, links to articles about couples who have been married 50 years, etc.). I am not sure how much of it is "negative engagement" (much of which her parents still exemplify, decades after their divorce).

She continues to tell me she doesn't think we have a future.

I do have time with my kids now, albeit not overnight.

The "harassment" claims have gotten ugly -- both ways. She has been threatening to expose the affair as a way to control me in a multitude of forums.

I am not doing a very good job of trying to work on me, and I am really missing her (or the idea of what I thought we had, or.... ).

Struggling... J


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

Sorry that you are struggling.

Are you on meds for the depression?

You are still early in the process, so is your BW, I know the cliche is to give it time, but it is true. Maybe with time, both of you can heal more, and things will start to look a little more peaceful.

I am not doing a very good job of trying to work on me, and I am really missing her (or the idea of what I thought we had, or.... ).

I think you will continue to struggle until you work on you.

Best of luck to you.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 17th (Thursday)

I am on something for depression. I am not sure it is helping, and am meeting with my doc again soon.

The more I step back and look at this, the more I feel like she will never forgive me. She is throwing daily jabs at me (either verbally, text, or email).

I have been in IC for 20 years, and am starting to wonder if I can fix my issues. It is a discouraging prospect.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
1DumbHusband
Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Jim,

I started IC myself. We had a terrible session recently that's leading me to seek a new IC for me and my BW. Maybe a change in IC will help you. The jabs and the shots will continue. I have a similar situation with my job. I may be looking for a new one myself due to my actions. At least you are getting time with the kids. Focus on that and cherish every moment you have with them!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Since she feels you are still seeing OW, have you offered to put tracking on your cell phone for her? It helps me.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jul 2013
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

She has been very clear in the last few days that there is zero chance we will reconcile. She is in a 12month lease in a new place, marital house has been sold. I feel like all is lost :(.

All I have left is my boys ;/


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Your posts come across as defensive, victim-like and conflicting. "Accusing" your wife of being mean and pointing to all of the things she is doing is not consistent with your posts that you will do anything and everything to get your family back. If your wife is seeing and hearing from you the same things you are posting, I can almost guarantee this will explain why your wife is on the path she is. The good news is that with some changes from you, you should be able to slow this train down.

Posts: 311 | Registered: Jul 2012
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Cantgetup,

Thank you for your candor. I needed that. You are right.

The last couple of days have been eye opening as I may finally have a glimpse from my IC into my underlying issues. They do not excuse my behaviors, and the one thing we haven't figured out is why I didn't communicate with my BS what I was feeling and why.

I still have a lot of work to do, and blameshifting (and/or victim mentality) need to NOT be a part of that.

A part of me still holds out hope despite her direct statements that we are done (for example, I had an executive dinner last night, and my BS asked several times if I would have "her" around). Fortunately, I was able to answer honestly that I would not. I am hoping her asking is because she still cares.

As for my IC, the "diagnosis" and all that it entails essentially just gives me perspective into myself that I didn't have before. It doesn't excuse my choices. I plan on reaching out to BS to let her know that I am continuing to try and work on myself and would love the opportunity to share with her what I have learned about myself. I don't know if she will listen. I need to ensure that I am clear about owning MY choices, not excusing behaviors, but rather expressing what I have learned about myself and how I will prevent something like this from ever happening again...

Other suggestions?


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

It is done. Despite reassurances from others that she still has feelings for me, despite having kids with her, I know her better than anyone. She has placed me in the same category as a few others in her life before me.

I know for a fact that she will never look at me with loving eyes again, that we will never share a home together again, and that my marriage is over.

This post is sort of an attempt at acceptance, I guess. It is also a plea to all of those out there who are contemplating an affair. Don't do it.

I am dying inside today,


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 18th (Monday)

This might simply be a deal breaker for her - it is highly likely she is fighting that battle within herself right now.

The kindest thing for you to do for her is to give her the space she has asked for.

Please remember can BSs cake-eat too. I knew this was a deal breaker on DD but I raged against it. It might take her time to accept that this is a deal breaker - I didn't accept it until a few months after final S. I behaved much the same way she is behaving - she's in shock. She can't believe this has happened. She doesn't know which way is up. She doesn't know what the hell she wants - actually, she wants for none of this to have happened. She doesn't believe a word you say. She is looking for you for proof of the man she thought she married. She is looking to your actions to prove her gut instinct wrong.

She'll be on this crazy roller coaster for some time. She is doing the right thing for her by keeping her distance from you.

If at some point the stuff she is pulling (BS cake-eating) starts dragging you down then you will need to go hardcore NC on her.

R is not just up to you or her - it is up to both of you. She doesn't have to make a decision today or this month or even in the next year. She can make it whenever she wants. As can you.

If you do the work then you'll be ready if she decides to attempt R and you also want R. If she decides to never R you'll still be well down the road to healing.

Try to take your focus off her or what she is doing/thinking and sort your own shit out otherwise you will be in this position again.

Keep doing the work - for you. What she chooses for herself now or in the future should have no bearing on the work YOU do for YOU. You and your kids need you to be healthy.

Don't make R the goal. Make healing the goal.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
JimSLC
New Member
Member # 40509
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 29th (Friday)

Taking my focus off of R, and trying to to focus on healing myself, where do I begin? Forgiving myself? I don't know how. I can't stop thinking about all of this. 24x7. I try to keep busy to avoid thinking, but it isn't working. I can't undo what I have done, and she is 1000% sure there will be no R.

I have lost most of my support system, I have lost the trust and respect of any remaining support system. I have hit a low that I never imagined possible, and I know I need to be a good dad, but I can't get rid of this pit inside that is gnawing at me, eating me from the inside out.

I wake up everyday to a nightmare.

I can't see the healing, and don't know where to start to get there...


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 27