User Topic: Hysterical Bonding-Discussion Please, want to understand
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

So I have seen this referred to. It's something that happens after DD for varying amounts of time. Could someone expand on this a bit? Is there any articles? Is it considered healthy? How do you know when it's HB or just a healthy sex drive? And finally how have you handled it?

Thanks in advance. I am just trying to understand myself better and my crazy sex drive.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Copied and pasted from the Healing Library
Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

So, I dunno. I haven't ever found anything actually 'scholarly' on the subject.

Generally, IMHO, I think it is a desperate desire to reclaim what is rightfully "yours." I know for me, part of it was needing to know I was the last person he touched. I have often joked that I should have just peed on him to mark my territory.

Is it healthy? Well, many of us jumped into sex with our spouses with no STD testing. In hindsight, I don't think it was very wise.

On the other hand, sex is a chemically bonding event. I do think for us, in the early days/weeks, the frequent sex helped us be a couple. Feel a passion and desire we hadn't felt in some time. Connect on the most basic, fundamental level. Hence the "hysterical" part of the bonding. It don't make a lot of sense.

Some people are repulsed by their spouses after they learn of the affair, and I think that is a totally ok reaction as well.

It's a totally mixed bag, and I have no idea if there is a right or wrong answer.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
New Member
Member # 39211
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I'll admit for me, it was trying to prove that I could be "enough" for him and attract (and keep) him like "the others" did. Sad, huh?

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

For us, sex after Dday came very naturally. We had struggled to connect sexually before the A and it was delightful that it returned so easily. I think it is because all of the crap that caused the unbending was now out in the open and on the table. No more hidden resentment, unmet expectations....all of the past reasons seemed so stupid.

I am running with our new found connection and I can assure you we won't let it go fallow again!


[This message edited by TxsT at 2:58 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Alex CR
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

For us sex had dwindled to nothing during the A and I was tired of not getting any. I do feel like I was marking my territory when we visited the places H had gone with OW, but the hysterical bonding was a way for us to connect physically while getting through the pain of it all emotionally.

It was really good....we tried a lot of new things. In the end it was good sex though, not making love. I still don't have those feelings like I did years ago, but am not complaining. The frequency has calmed down but it was a good time and I don't regret it.

BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I wanted all the orgasms he owed me. I was so pissed that he gave what was mine away.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

For me the sex was an extension of all the talking and communication of our feelings to each other, spending so much more time together after he ended his EA.

He was very attentive, very loving, very remorseful letting me lead the way in asking the questions and answering without offering perhaps more than I wanted to know.

He was very thoughtful doing little things for me that he hadn't done in a while. It was a turn on. I had the power. It was up to me whether we had sex, or not, and when, how etc.

I don't know if it was healthy or not, but, as we were trying to stay together I was not going to deny my desires to prove some point or punish him or stick to some plan. It seemed natural. And yes, it does help keep the intimacy going and the lines of communication open as well as the emotions flowing.

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

It sounds like it is very common, so it must be natural.

My H and I had HB for about 6 months. I'm 11 months out, and now I find sex very difficult. When I look back, I can't BELIEVE how much insane sex we were having. We were experimenting with things we've never done before, and we were doing it 2-3X a day! He thought it was proof that we were just "meant to be together" and that it was a sign. Now that I'm thinking more clearly, I can see how dysfunctional it was for me. I was out to prove to him that he only needed me, and that I was the sexy bitch now! I also was focused on doing things they DIDN'T do, to show him what he was missing out on.

It's a total mind f#@k. But I think it really does provide necessary closeness that you need in those early weeks. You need to feel that he really is yours, and that he needs nobody else.

Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

My H and I have always had a habit of "make up sex". For us, I think that's what HB was. The A was our ultimate martial spat and sex brought us together in the most fundamental way.

For me, HB wasn't "extra" sex - we've never really been lacking in that department. It was more like "sex that my brain doesn't want me to have, but that my body is craving." I needed to feel loved by him, and that's the best way he knows how.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

My hubby did say he felt that some of our earliest sex was forced by was he surprised to find out I had missed our love making as much as he had!!


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

We are still having it Either that or I have hit my prime

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

Thanks guys that's helpful. What I am hearing is that it different for each couple. For some people it is a positive experience and it helps them bond again after D-Day. Though for some folks it can become a negative if it is done in such a way as to mimic acts done with the AP. it does frighten me to think that sex may become difficult down the road.
I have a lot of sexual trauma in my past growing up. I have had to work through my sexual hang ups through therapy on and off for a long time. I was pregnant and restricted from sex when WH initiated the affair. It was a very low point for him. Ironically he asked for therapy that November and for several months I sought to heal myself sexually in the months leading up to DDay. For the first time in my life I began to really enjoy sex and have fun with it. I was finally finding myself sexually. I don't want o lose that, though much of my brain tells me having great sex right now makes no sense at all.

BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

We had this right after Dday 1. Like someone else mentioned, I think I was trying to convince him to choose me over OW. Not the best reason at all, especially since despite having sex a few times a day everyday, he was still seeing her.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

For me part of it was that he had issues with performing with her.
With me all he had to do was touch me or me him and NO performance issues.
I think I used it as "see, dumbass, this is what it's supposed to be like."
We've always had a very active sex life and it didn't stop during the A or for long after it.
But there are definitely times when I don't want him to touch me and I don't want to touch him.
I also think a lot of it is marking territory, reclaiming, "reminding", and some of it is just plain nervous tension.
I ALWAYS get wound up when I am nervous and going through all this A stuff is nerve wracking!
I don't always have to do it with him though

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
New Member
Member # 40356
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, August 30th (Friday)

For us it was the 3 weeks after DDay 1.
It was crazy and intense. Definitely did things that had never been done, and numerous times per day. I felt like we lived in bed those 3weeks.

That all came to a crashing halt when WS slept with a prostitute for revenge.

Had that not happened, it probably would have lead into a wonderful reconciliation as we were talking and really spending time together. Everything got put on hold but our relationship.

Me: late 30s Husband: late 30s
M 14 years, T 18
C: 8 and 10

DD 1: 3/12 numerous PA from 95-05 resulted in me confessing to brief PA prior to marriage

DD 2: 4/12 RA with prost.

DD 3: 11/12 RA with old professor

Hoping for R but doubtful

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 16