User Topic: Is this question too much to ask?
New Member
Member # 40463
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I have only known for almost three weeks of girlfriends affair. She was drunk when the event occured and I am willing to forgive and try to still make this work. I only had two questions for her in order to move on and I feel as though this is drastically holding up the process.

The first one that I asked her was why the person that she did and she explained the situation and occurance on how it had happened.

Then I asked her why did she do it? The only answer that she was able to give me was that she was selfish. I told her that that would be describing herself at the time however it does not tell me what needs work in our relationship to prevent this from occuring again.

She has since started AA and has not had a drop of alcohol since. She tells me that she does not have an answer to my question. Is this an honest normal response that many of you have received in the past? I want to move forward and try to salvage an 8 year relationship but I feel that I cant without knowing this or am I going to far in depth with the questions?

Any advice or comments welcome please!

BS(me)34; WH 36
OM: my best friend
Together 8 years
Dday: 08/16/2013
In Recovery

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Your gf will need to be willing to dig a little deeper than " I was drunk and selfish " to fix this issue. People who are happy and fulfilled in their relationship go not step outside of that relationship. Period. In the meantime focus on yourself.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Would she be willing to go to IC? That might be helpful. As would understanding boundaries. AA is a good start, however!

eta; I demanded why and got a very detailed, written answer after months of IC, MC and introspection. Of course, my H's A was much longer and effed up.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:49 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

It is not an answer that is going to give you peace of mind. You are still early out from your DDay. If you want to R, your girlfriend is going to have to understand why she did what she did - what are the root causes. Selfish is a lazy answer IMO.
She needs to help you understand why she decided to cheat and what is going to prevent it from happening again. Those are answers she needs to look within for. Maybe you should consider IC for yourself. Betrayal by someone that you love is a traumatic experience - IC may help you too.

Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

My H was selfish, had FOO issues, didnt trust anyone, didnt care, etc. etc. etc.

The one thing I had to ask myself was WHAT answer would make me feel better and sadly there is none. :(. I somehow know eventually I will have to accept that because I can ask why until the cows come home and don't think I will ever understand. I even struggle with wondering if I will ever be able to forgive him. I hope with time....

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

When trying to get to the "Why?" of the A, I have found that if you keep asking "why?" it helps the WS to dig deeper, for example: You asked her "Why?" and she said because she was selfish - ask "Why did you feel it was okay to act so selfishly, even though we are in a committed relationship?".... continue along those lines... with every answer she gives, try to dig a little deeper into that answer. It usually opens up the doors of communication.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Oct 2012
New Member
Member # 40463
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Thank you for the responses. I did finally get an answer from her after her counseling session today. Thanks for all the replies. I really like this forum and hope to be able to lean on your guys more.

BS(me)34; WH 36
OM: my best friend
Together 8 years
Dday: 08/16/2013
In Recovery

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

I did finally get an answer from her after her counseling session today

DaturaMetel, are you comfortable sharing her response?

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 8