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Wayward Side
User Topic: cant believe I am here now
pappabear
Member
Member # 26301
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Greetings, It has been a while since I posted. About 4 years ago i was on the other side and living a bad dream a couldn't ge out of. I have since then moved to Germany with my former WW and have moved on pretty good but still though of her cheating ways every day. Until now!!! I am in a middle of an affair with a beautiful German woman who adores me. I am having the greatest time of my life, I now understand the reasons my firer WW did what she did. It makes you feel young again and important. This does not excuse my actions though and I am seeking help on what to do. I do not want to hurt my wife. But I do not want to hurt my affair partner. How do I get out of this without causing any pain? The one good thing is that I no longer think of my former WW's affair and have totally forgiven her and when I think of it, it dosen't bother me anymore....what does that mean?


BH-35
WW-35
D-Day 15 August 2009
2 kids 7 and 17

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Travis AFB CA
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, August 25th (Sunday)

Make a decision. Now. You know better. W or AP? You know the outcome. A relationship built on lies or a relationship that was healing.

I think maybe you're "past" and have "forgiven" your W's A now only because you're in one now.

Look, there's gonna be pain no matter how this ends. There are no happy endings in affairs. We're all adults here, you've been there before, you know right from wrong.

You're AP making you feel young again and important are surface issues, dig deeper to find out.

Also, get yourself and your W to a doc to check for ALL std's and return in 6 mos. Some things won't appear on you but you're W, and her womb however, will be the victims if you've contracted HPV.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 26th (Monday)

Pappa...

As a RBS I am saddened by your post. In your signature you state you love your wife more then anything.....if you really mean this stop and think for both of your sakes. It sounds like you never really got over your wifes A until you jumped into the same mirky crappy pond she had. You owe her the truth and the opprotunity to keep you or kick you out of her life. I would have given ANYTHING in the world for my H to have given me the opprotunity to know his deepest feelings and discontentment. I would have also appreciated having 4 years of my life back, the time it took for him to finally get "her" out of his system.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I am in a middle of an affair with a beautiful German woman who adores me.
Are you going to confess to your wife?

I am having the greatest time of my life
For having so much fun, you're selling yourself pretty short. You are lying daily. You are destroying yourself and your marriage daily. You are exposing your wife to STD daily. That's having the time of your life? Did you accept that line when your wife had her affair? That she was having so much fun and it felt so good so it was ok?

Affairs are designed to destroy relationships. Your wife is going to be hurt. No way around it. As far as the OW is concerned, she doesn't matter. I know you think she does, but really, she doesn't. Not in the grand scheme of things. She should have thought about the ramifications of being hurt before starting a "relationship" with a married man.

The one good thing is that I no longer think of my former WW's affair and have totally forgiven her and when I think of it, it dosen't bother me anymore....what does that mean?
I'm gonna take a stab at it and say you have forgiven and forgotten about your WW's affair because you're neck deep in your own pile of crap. Y'all are "even" now. An eye for an eye.

As far as feeling young and important? That's surface stuff. That is not the real reason you're cheating. You need to dig deeper.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 26th (Monday)

So what do you understand?

How to have weak boundaries.

How to spot others with weak boundaries.

How to put your happiness before your kids.

Those vows that you fought so hard to make your fww remember, out the window.

Your German lover may adore you but she doesn't love your kids, nor do you, because when your wife finds out that moving to another country to start afresh Kent you engaging in a affair, she might just hop on a plane back to the States.


As for your claim of forgiving your wife I doubt that because you wouldn't have been so lax in those boundaries to protect your marriage.

I feel sorry when you do come out of the affair and find out the hard way.

I know now from my own past that I can never respect anyone who doesn't respect those vows stated in front of God, family and friends.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 26th (Monday)

I agree that you don't seem to care about your wife's infidelity now because you've done it yourself.

So do you feel "even"? Or do you feel as though you've lowered yourself to her level? Do you feel that what she did was wrong? Do you feel that what you are doing is wrong?

I am in a middle of an affair with a beautiful German woman who adores me.

Is your wife's OM the male equivalent of "beautiful"? Do you feel that he "adored" her? Would you be OK with it if your wife thought back to her time with OM and reminisced at how handsome he was and how he was so crazy about her, and how great it was?

How do I get out of this without causing any pain?

There isn't a way...at least not an honest way. Your wife will feel pain when she finds out. Your OW? Well, what does she expect from an illegitimate relationship with a man who is supposedly committed to someone else?


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 26th (Monday)

The one good thing is that I no longer think of my former WW's affair and have totally forgiven her and when I think of it, it doesn't bother me anymore....what does that mean?
of course you've forgiven her - not because you feel she's worthy or because you see past her bad choices, but because you are doing the exact same thing. Ironically, you are going to end up in a position where you are begging for forgiveness. So really, the only reason you forgive her is so that when the time comes, you can ask for it with the expectation that she forgive you simply because you forgave her for doing the same shit. This is so far from healthy.
How do I get out of this without causing any pain?
You don't - selfish much?
I am seeking help on what to do.
Aside from coming here, what else are you doing? It doesn't sound like you want to end your affair.
Why didn't you just leave your wife? Why did you do to her what she did to you, knowing how devastating it was and is for you?


FWW - 40
You cannot ask of others what you yourself are not willing to give.

Posts: 5750 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 26th (Monday)

pappabear, first: consider a signature modification.

I love my wife with all my heart

Really!?!

You are in A fantasy-land. Wish I could say I don't fucking remember how high on the drug of infidelity I let myself become. Wish I could erase the hurt I caused, in pursuit of that fix. You remember how that felt, right? The pain, I mean, not the fix...you are clearly high right now.

What you've done is pull the knife out of your chest and stick it in WW's back.

I do not want to hurt my wife. But I do not want to hurt my affair partner.

I do not want another unwanted puppy to ever be gassed at the Humane Society. Anyone else want to chime in, with some impossible shit they don't want?

I'm projecting my anger (at myself) onto you, I recognize that. But dude, you know how wrong this is, and that it will not end well no matter what. Confess now, and face the consequences--before you cause any further damage to your soul.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:40 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Revenge affairs are never the way.

You know how this ends pappabear.Everyone gets hurt in the end. Everyone.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It always blows my mind away that someone who has experienced the pain of betrayal would turn around and choose to inflict that upon someone else.

You know what it feels like and you willingly and selfishly are choosing to do that to your fww. You are having the greatest time of your life and everyone else will pay the price for you. Because you now feel young and important. Ugh! Selfishness abides.

Everyone is going to be hurt. Everyone. Including you, you just don't realize it yet.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It always blows my mind away that someone who has experienced the pain of betrayal would turn around and choose to inflict that upon someone else.

It never does, for me. Infidelity is rampant because, for one thing, it works. People are a very effective and addictive pain reliever. Look at SI. People log in here and reach out to "talk" to others about the pain they're feeling and get responses. How powerful that connection can be when people are hurting. That can be a good thing...or not. Even on here.

As far as selfish, of course it is. Pain is one of the most selfish impulses ever. It's supposed to be. It's designed for that. It's whole reason for existence is to protect self. It's also, for the same reason, intensely uncomfortable (to say the least). The whole purpose is to encourage its host to stop, flee, change a behavior, look at an issue. You know, survive.

We don't understand or appreciate pain anymore. We just numb it. Oxy, booze, coke, weed, norco, advil, somas, AD's, shopping, gambling, working, adrenaline, people...and that's a short list. Some of those are necessary for a short while but all are destructive in excess and completely nullify the reason for pain. Look! Listen! Figure out what's wrong and fix it!

Pappa, you haven't forgiven her. You've detached from her to the point you can be benevolent toward her because you feel good. Remove your pain reliever and you'll be surprised just how critical you'll become very quickly. That pain will return along with the new one from the injury you've inflicted.

You're still living a bad dream...on the installment plan with a high interest and fucking huge vig. You already know this. You already know there will be pain. There is now. It's under all this shit along with its conspirator rage. Might as well strip the trappings and start dealing with these two. They're running your life anyway so get to know them. It's the only way to evict them.

Good luck.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

It never does, for me. Infidelity is rampant because, for one thing, it works. People are a very effective and addictive pain reliever.
It shouldn't , UO, but it still does. I have seen it time and time again, but it still blows my mind.

pappabear, your German AP doesn't adore you ~ she adores the fantasy you. What qualities do you feel this AP wants in a man? Does she adore men who lie, are sneaky, devious, fake, immoral, unethical, untrustworthy?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Does she adore men who lie, are sneaky, devious, fake, immoral, unethical, untrustworthy?

Um, anyone on here fit that? Anyone? Do we only love people that are good for us?

Maybe if we stop treating this shit like it's so very different it will make more sense and be tackled as a problem without going through the gymnastics to seperate it and make it an anomaly first.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

You are right, UO, but what I mean is when a person makes a list of the qualities they are seeking in a partner these aren't the qualities on most of our lists. I was also pointing out that pappabear isn't being authentic with either his fww or his AP.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

pappabear,

The two people you are hurting the most are your two children. If you didn't learn anything from the pain and destruction that your Wife's A brought upon your family, then at least think of your kids. Don't you ADORE them? Are you making the right choices for them?

It sounds from your post that you are relieved that somehow your A has helped you move on from her A. If you wanted to feel young and important, why not go to your WW and tell her that. And frankly, it doesn't sound as if you have totally forgiven her as you say. It sounds like you are deep in the fog...reread your post..it's a lot of I, I, I...me, me, me.

If you didn't want to hurt your wife, your AP, or your kids you would probably be on here asking different kinds of questions instead of boasting about having the greatest time of your life.

Your post makes me very sad for your children.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

The one good thing is that I no longer think of my former WW's affair and have totally forgiven her and when I think of it, it dosen't bother me anymore....what does that mean?

Guilt..


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I love my wife with all my heart

I read your story and I just felt sad. So sad.

Do you truly believe you and your "beautiful German woman" will one day live happily ever after.

I'm sad. For you and for your BW.


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2738 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Dude, are you just showing off?

That's a hallmark of Waywards. We think our APs are different. We think our affairs are special. He's artistic, she's gorgeous, he's a handsome Italian, she's a German who adores me.

You think your affair and your other woman are different and special and you are better than the rest of us.

Doncha


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6073 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
uncertainone
Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

That's a hallmark of Waywards. We think our APs are different. We think our affairs are special. He's artistic, she's gorgeous, he's a handsome Italian, she's a German who adores me.

No. I did think it would be painful...to my ex. I got the pain part right. Just the person wrong. So close!

I don't think he feels better than us. Shit just hasn't gotten real yet. Things are much easier practicing staged trauma scenes with dummies than real time events with people screaming in pain and bleeding out.

So what say you, OP? Or was your post a drive by dump? What green lighted your choices, and you can't mention your now BS ANYWHERE in the answer. Of course, you already know that one, right?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
pappabear
Member
Member # 26301
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

Wow!!!...thank you all for your replies....this is honesty in its purest form. I am telling my wife today when she comes home. It's 5:43 pm and that should be any minute now. I am nerveous but it's going to happen. I did not mean to show off...I was just happy...but I was just put on track. I do believe I have a better connection with this women as I am a German National myself and I rushed into my marriage ( or am I just rationalizing again?)


BH-35
WW-35
D-Day 15 August 2009
2 kids 7 and 17

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Travis AFB CA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I am telling my wife today when she comes home.
What exactly are you going to tell her? Did you end your affair?
I do believe I have a better connection with this women as I am a German National myself and I rushed into my marriage ( or am I just rationalizing again?)
So what? Whats your point? What does your tag line mean then? I love my wife with all my heart


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9400 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)

I do believe I have a better connection with this women as I am a German National myself and I rushed into my marriage
And that means....what...?

People from all races have connections with other races as well as their own. That has absolutely nothing to do with it. So it was worth wrecking your marriage because you guys share a common bond with what exactly? German cars and Oktoberfest?

Call me crazy but I don't see how you two being from the same race and country makes your affair special.

Also, you "rushed into marriage". Is that a way of saying you married too young and didn't get a chance to sow your wild oats back in the day?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6041 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday)

or am I just rationalizing again?
that's got to be a rhetorical question. You know the answer. Did you tell your wife? What was the outcome?


FWW - 40
You cannot ask of others what you yourself are not willing to give.

Posts: 5750 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 23