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User Topic: Checking in... Made it through 1 year
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Hey guys

Hope everyone has been doing well in their journeys over the past few months. I haven''''t posted in a while but have been doing some reading on here every now and then.

I felt like I needed an SI break.. Maybe it would help clear my head, work on my independence and give me some perspective on my new life. New life to me had many meanings.. Having multiple As was never something I imagined myself doing to my H not to mention in the horrible manner I chose to cheat. Now I have a hard time picturing myself even doing it.. Like it was an out of body experience.

Having our baby daughter at the end of June has been absolutely amazing. She is such a little doll with the best little baby smiles in the world. To say its been a roller coaster with my BH would be an understatement. We have had beautiful moments of true R and horrible moments where it doesn''t look like we will make it. Sometimes I wonder if we will. He has been very angry with me a lot and triggering often. His triggers are not very nice either, not like I deserve any sweet talk when he throws the As in my face. I eat a lot of shit sandwiches these days and I hope they will stop soon. Part of his anger towards me is about the As but it''s also a lot to do with him working 60 hours a week and feeling stressed from all the changes in our life with the baby. He thinks I don''t pay enough attention to him because well caring for a newborn can be taxing.. But I really do try to be there for him but he works so much and I''m doting on the baby, it''s hard to meet in the middle.

We haven''t gone to MC for quite a few months and he doesn''t want to go back. It reminds him of my As. I think we need it but he disagrees

One thing that he said a day before our anniversary was that he doesn''t think I''ve changed enough. I think a lot of my changes can''t be physically seen because its all about your thought processes. How do you show that you''ve learned all about boundaries, trying to dig into FOO problems, build self esteem and making yourself happy without outside validation. I''ve also made our marriage a top priority. I try to get us to talk through problems and connect intimately but that was hard in the first 6 weeks after baby. Although I feel like I''m trying hard to him it looks like I could do better. Like my efforts for trying to balance baby and husband are not there. I know a lot of these problems are normal after a baby so throwing in As doesn''t help one bit.

Right now it seems like all I can do is take 1 day at a time. Keep fighting for my BH and help him heal in the ways that I can and let him do his own work. Which I can viably see that he doesn''t want to do work on himself and has been mentioning he might RA on me one day. Like to keep me on guard for a just in case. Obviously I cringe and feel hurt when he talks like that but I can''t stop him. I told him I''m allowed to have deal breakers too, he has to own his own choices and to think about the life he still wants to have with our new family. Our marriage would not withstand another A hit. Definitely not from me and not from him either. I''m not gonna sit here and eat shit sandwiches my whole life only for him to become a hypocrite. I hope he is only trying to scare me because it just breaks my heart when he thinks about cheating on me for payback.

Anyways.. We have made it through 1 year. We did have a nice 3 yr anniversary and we are still together. We survived a lot this year. I sure hope things start looking a little brighter though

[This message edited by messedupchick at 1:15 PM, August 23rd, 2013 (Friday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Hi MUC! Good to see you. I've been wondering about you and hoping everything was going well with baby girl.

I'm sorry you and your H are struggling. I'm sure it's made more difficult with the stress/strain of a new baby. There are only so many hours in a day, you know?

I don't have any advice but hopefully those wiser than me will help in that department. I'll just offer a big huge CONGRATULATIONS on your new addition.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Thanks HB!! Everything is great with our baby girl. She is very healthy and happy. Today she is being quite the munchkin.. Constantly wanting to breastfeed with barely any naps and a lot of fussing. Not the kind of day I will want my BH to come home and ask what I''ve done all day. I can answer well I showered, ate meals, fed and changed our baby all day... Hopefully I can scramble and get some chores done now that I finally got her down for a nap. Being a SAHM for a year will be very interesting...

Thanks again for the congrats. I''m not sure what I can get advice on.. I just try to remember to hang in, try my best to be a better wife than I have been and now a great mother as well..


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Hi MUC
Glad to see you . Congrats on the baby girl.
I think you are very frustrated with your BH right now . Now I have heard that year 2 is worse an what not, and I sort of believe that. But threatening RAs and refusing MC are not behaviors that will help you move forward.

make sure he knows that you hurt. Maybe he is trying to get more of a reaction out of you, IDK. I am glad you told him you have boundaries too.

Would he ever come on SI or go to IC?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 23rd (Friday)

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Glad to hear from you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday)

Mrs Panda:

Thanks for the congrats! :)

No my BH has never wanted IC and refused to join SI. He has barely glanced at if and thought it was weird for me to post about our life on here. I told him that people here have belped me a lot and there are a lot of guys are here that he could relate to on a man to man basis. He lightened up but said its not for him. I let it drop

Yes threatening RA and refusing MC is definitely bad for the long term. For right now I don''''t feel worried that he will have an A however I wouldn''''t put it past him if he decides to work out of town again at a camp. Apparently As run rampant at work camps and if some slut threw herself at him on a night when we could have an argument on the phone, he might just do it and tell himself it''''s ok because I cheated. He gets mad knowing that my boundary is set at further cheating means marriage ends - whether it''''s me or him.

I''''m sure if I just booked an MC appt, he would bitch n moan but would go anyways. I might just do that and tell him to suck it up buttercup. Maybe I will do that for September..

If this is what year 2 looks like... It''s gonna be a doozy.

Skan: thanks for the congrats!!!

[This message edited by messedupchick at 1:46 PM, August 24th, 2013 (Saturday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 26th (Monday)

Glad to hear from you. Sorry you're still struggling through R. I agree with your boundaries that any further As are a deal-breaker. It's not a case of saying it was ok for you but not for him. You're saying it was never ok and it damaged you both. To inflict more damage when both of you know what it brings would be unacceptable.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

Hi Brandon

Thanks for the reply. Hoping things will get better with more time. Some days are worse than others. Since our anniversary it has been a bit better but I can usually count on at least 1 outburst a day. This better be just the anger phase and not the new norm. Thanks for understanding what I meant about having my own deal breaker if he had an A too


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 8