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Reconciliation
User Topic: Should I be concerned about OM?
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

So OM befriended a friend of my FWW on facebook. She's moving now (used to work with him)and is going to work where my W works. He's never been friends with her on FB till now. To keep tabs and see if she'll say anything about my W?

Question:
Should I warn my W?
Should I talk to my W's friend?

Or am I over reacting?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Don't "warn" your W, talk with her about it. Form a plan for if there needs to be any action taken due to inappropriateness or meddling.

I wouldn't involve the friend at all. Your lives are none of her business (unless she is a friend of the M and knows the history).

Main thing is to work out what you will do with your W.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14823 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Talk to your wife, ignore him until he becomes too blatant, then be that sleeping dog that LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH FOAM ON HIS TEETH AND SAYS I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING HAND IF YOU TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN YOU RANCID DRIBBLING FUCK CAKE. Then ignore him again. I mean don't actually bite him or anything, it's a metaphor.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

...then be that sleeping dog that LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH FOAM ON HIS TEETH AND SAYS I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING HAND IF YOU TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN YOU RANCID DRIBBLING FUCK CAKE.

That ranks as one of the best insults I've heard.

Seriously, agreeing with what has already been said. Talk to your W. Explain your fears and come up with a plan of action together.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 6:28 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

StillGoing,

Please remember that this is the Reconciliation Forum and post accordingly.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)

Sorry.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Angry  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

So I discussed it with my W. She got pissed and told me she preferred not to know. Pissed because when she hangs with her friends, she will be very self conscious about any tagging, photos..etc. It's obvious he's wanting to see what's going on with my W's life.

What pisses me off is that I can't stop it. I can't do much about it. It's a very subtle way of Mr. OM to keep up with my W's life. Even though she has blocked him on FB. If I'd ask him, he'd deny it, but how can you trust a friend that was caught messing with your W? Wish I could tell his BS. I WISH!!!!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Evil  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

StillGoing - LOL. Thank you! Well said, good idea.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Why doesn't your wife block OM? It will be as though the two of them do not exist to each other on FB.

Or get rid of FB all together. There is no value in it and nobody would suffer if it were gone...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

karmahappens - She did block him. But he friended her friends from work. So if they snap a photo and post, he'll see. She doesn't want to explain to friends.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Gotcha. sorry.

I would have to say good-bye to the social media until I was in a very comfortable position.

It made me feel so unsafe initially.

If she keeps it I would have to say you just need to keep communication open. You can't follow him around to see who he is following to see her ...KWIM? It becomes crazy-making

Creepy if he is really doing it to watch her.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:17 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Shocked  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

karmahappens - from what I've heard he's a lurker. Yes, I can't keep track of all the activity he does and frankly I don't want to. It's best my W and I have a united front. I just HATE that he'll see her photos online. I HATE IT!

What this tells me is that he still has feelings for her. What a goon! His W should look after his FB activity more.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Angry  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

This has made me SO UPSET today that I'm triggering like mad. HUH...anxiety!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

His W should look after his FB activity more

Maybe she should get an anonymous tip as to what he is up to...and as for seeing photos of your wife, can you make a rule that her friends don't tag her unless you are in the photo with her?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3760 | Registered: Dec 2011
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, August 8th (Thursday)

Tred - yeah, but sometimes they go out all girls. I get what you're saying and you're right. We just didn't want to make a bigger deal about it with her friends.

As far as an anonymous tip, how does one do this? Any ideas?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Wondering if I should tell her friends. The idea of an anonymous tip to his BS is not a bad idea, but I'd like it to where it CAN'T BE TRACED.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, August 9th (Friday)

Brother, you are obsessing about this too much. You are giving this guy too much power.

I just HATE that he'll see her photos online. I HATE IT!

Why? He's seen a lot more than that, and those aren't anything anyone else can't see. For all you know he could have printed her face on a body pillow, filled it with that magical cologne from CVS and snuggle it every night.

The important thing is that your wife doesn't care and keeps him blocked, and that you do the same. So long as he is not invading your life, don't give him an in by caring about what he does.

Definitely tell his BW, but do it so she knows he is still sniffing around - I'm assuming you'd want her to inform you if your wife was doing the same.

eta:

I wouldn't bother telling her friends because that involves people who don't need to be involved, IMO.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 3:07 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7367 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 9th (Friday)

StillGoing - Thank you. You're right.

I just don't know about telling his BS ya know. I haven't spoken to her since last year. Don't wanna shake things up without a serious cause. But he is sniffing around alright.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Needless to say, this little happening shook us up this weekend. Took a few steps back, but it was for the better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 12th (Monday)

Since most of us here agree that it''s a WS brokenness that causes infidelity and not the presence or availability or an AP... Then maybe, just maybe, the problem is not OM''s proximity, but rather her behaviour, as in going out without you, or Facebook in general?

Could you demand that she give up those 2 things, that are clearly bothering you, as requirements for R?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, August 12th (Monday)

I understand how you feel. And I agree with Knowing, it's a good suggestion for her to agree to not go out with the girls right now, or social networks. The focus should be on the two of you rebuilding.

It's so hard to grasp and know that another woman knew more about the man I was with. And just because she's no longer in the picture, doesn't mean it's any better. I think most of us BS's would like the OW/OM to have no new knowledge of our lives. And that means in pictures, check ins on Facebook, or even what car we now drive.

I'm in a similar situation. An ex of my WBF was commenting and liking pictures and posts that mutual friends would put on their FB, that had my WBF in them. And while he had blocked her, she still saw them on others pages and clearly wrote things in hopes that he might see it somehow. He went to the friends and explained the situation, and they never bothered to remove his pictures. My WBF deleted that friend the next day....and agreed that they were to never take another picture of him.

You have every right to want a marriage private from the OM. And private means NO information getting to them.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jun 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Suspicious  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

You have every right to want a marriage private from the OM. And private means NO information getting to them

Thank you. I'm glad people here understand. I just don't want him knowing ANYTHING NEW! He knows enough already. Did enough damage as well. It's time we are no longer in existence to him.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)

"What pisses me off is that I can't stop it. I can't do much about it. It's a very subtle way of Mr. OM to keep up with my W's life. Even though she has blocked him on FB. If I'd ask him, he'd deny it, but how can you trust a friend that was caught messing with your W? Wish I could tell his BS. I WISH!!!!"

In my case the OM is now dating my neighbor a couple doors down. It was my WW's idea that we should block her on FB (he is already blocked).

I'd recommend you and your WW simply keep it at the "FYI" level for now. Don't do anything specific, just make sure you and her are both on the same page.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

I'd recommend you and your WW simply keep it at the "FYI" level for now. Don't do anything specific, just make sure you and her are both on the same page.

...and that's what we're doing for now. We're on the same page. I just hate him knowing ANYTHING about us.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

2married....

I have followed several of your posts and suggestions to other people. I am a fan of your honesty and you and your W share so much of what my H and I do.

Have you ever spoken directly to the OS???? I you haven't....why not? If you have the question is mute.

I was the person who crushed the OS's world when I called him a few days after finding out about the A. I had access to his cell phone thanks to our kids attending the same school. Never thought I would get through that conversation but in my mind it had to happen. His wife is a delusional narcissistic poisonous spider who stalked my hubby until he finally caved ( approximately a years worth of throwing herself at his very feet, naked I might add) that poor guy needed to know what he was dealing with.

Since then we have this very weird connection. We have a pact that, if anything in each others world changed, we would let each other know. This arrangement has let us both feel that at least we would never get blindsided again.

I contact the OS whenever I feel completely consumed by something. Since his wife has shown up on our doorstep once in the past, I am always in fear of her doing it again. I do not abuse this contact......I have spoken to him once in the past 4 months.

Your situation would be something I would definitely feel was worthy of sharing with the OS. I agree that you don't want to get into it with the friends....what would be the purpose? There is a way your wife can request that her friends disallow anything she says or pictures of her and you from going into cyber land.... I can help you through that process if you like.

Here is another take on this though......my H's OW uses my FB page (hubby does not have one nor does he ever want one) to check up on him.....and that is exactly what I WANT!!!!! My FB page is now full of pictures of the new happy US. My profile picture will always be a picture where both he and I are present, AND SMILING. I use my FB page to dig a knife deep into her heart. The very, very few friends that know our story laugh at how cruel I can be. Others who have no idea just think we have a wonderful marriage. I make sure she KNOWS when we visit her town....wave our success and her failure right there where she needs to see it.

I just wanted to offer a few ideas on this problem. Please privately post to me if you want to know the FB thing. I have recently had many friends request this of me to protect their privacy. I have never asked them why, the reason is simple, they want privacy.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 2:24 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

TxsT - Hi there. Yes, pretty similar indeed. As a matter of fact, OBS and I sure connected, but I decided NC was for all 4 involved. Trust me, there were many times I wanted to pick up the phone just because she's the only person on earth that hurts because of what happened in the same way I did. I did decide not to because I don't want to hurt their M more than it already has.

To pick up the phone and tell her, your H is befriending my FWW's friends just to keep up....or sniffing around....I'm not sure if this would spark a "thank you" or a "get out of our lives" at this point. Idk honestly. Idk. I'm confused. For now I think no action is best.

I should put a photo of us both as my profile photo. There's ways where I can make sure HE sees things on FB. hehehe, but I regress.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)

You don't regress you evolve and adapt!!!!! More power to taking control :o)

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Since most of us here agree that it's a WS brokenness that causes infidelity and not the presence or availability or an
AP... Then maybe, just maybe, the problem is not OM's proximity, but rather her behaviour, as in going out without you, or Facebook in general?
Could you demand that she give up those 2 things, that are clearly bothering you, as requirements for R?


This is a great point and it has been the subject of our conversations lately. She's a compartmentalizer so it's hard for her to see. But as time goes by, her eyes have been open more and more. Just as she doesn't want her name being said on the other end, nor do we want OM's name in our home. The less of that, the better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I just don't want him knowing ANYTHING NEW! He knows enough already.

.my H's OW uses my FB page (hubby does not have one nor does he ever want one) to check up on him.....and that is exactly what I WANT!!!!! My FB page is now full of pictures of the new happy US.

I think this is exactly the right thing to do! Show the world that you are heal(ed/ing) and let the AP look! Let them see the HAPPINESS that they were unable to DESTROY!!!


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Show the world that you are heal(ed/ing) and let the AP look! Let them see the HAPPINESS that they were unable to DESTROY!!!

Out of rage I took down all her pics from my FB. LOL I haven't wanted to put anything together till I feel R is REALLY almost complete. However, for that same token, him thinking we're broken may entice him to break NC. Which I'd be glad to see him do cause I'd call his BS faster than you can say "fist fight".


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Area2
Member
Member # 37797
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

I told my friends and family that I had an online stalker and to please leave me out of posts. I said I was handling it and didn't want to discuss it further. They've all been very cooperative and protective, and don't need the dirty details.


Me: BW 50's
Him: WH 60ish
Married all my adult life
LTA, in limbo re: R

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Eastern seaboard
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)

Area2 - NOW THAT'S a good idea!!!!!


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 19th (Monday)

So we've had several talks about this. Her friend doesn't know, but I wish I could tell her. She will most definitely be posting photos of her and my wife at one point or another. I just can't stand it. I HATE THE IDEA! I don't know why it bothers me so much?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

...and so it happened. Her friend snapped a photo w/FWW and posted it on FB. I asked her (W's friend) to take it down kindly and she refused. FWW felt like it was infringing on friend to tell her what she can and cannot do on her FB. I thought it was disrespectful so I told FWW. I deactivated my FB for now. I'm very disgusted by FB, her friend and my FWW. It's incredible how so called "Friends" are not sensitive to families that are going through issues and have ZERO manners when asked kindly to remove a photo.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

FWW felt like it was infringing on friend to tell her what she can and cannot do on her FB.

Actually, your wife has every right to ask her friend not to post photos of her on her FB page. The fact that your wife feels asking her not to is infringing is very telling.

Married2,

Seriously, when my husband got a facebook page, he voluntarily refused friendships with any friend of his who was also friends with the OW. I didn't tell him to refuse them, he just did it. Then he had one friend who he was so close to that he had a hard time with it. The friend didn't know about the affair but my husband finally took him aside and explained that he would never tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with but that he just couldn't accept a friend request from him as long as he was also friends with the OW out of respect for me because he had cheated with her. The friend removed the OW and sent us both a new friend request.

As long as your wife is friends on FB with this woman, it's going to drive you nuts. It doesn't sound like your wife truly gets it. At this point, my boundary would be that she either remove the friend from her facebook page or she explain what she did to the friend and why she needs her to stop posting her photo. A no to either of those requests really tells you exactly where you are on her priority list.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:19 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)

Tearsoflove - Thank you. This certainly clarifies things for me. Sad, but it is what it is.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

btw - her friend refused to take down the photo. She's not a friend of the marriage any longer.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)

She's not a friend of the marriage any longer

But is she still a friend of your wife?

Incidentally, if your wife asked and she refused, because she is in the photo, she should be able to report the photo and facebook will remove it. If your wife is refusing to ask and is keeping her as a friend, you have much bigger problems than whether or not this woman is friends with the OM and posting photos of your wife.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3968 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)

But is she still a friend of your wife?

She is. They work together unfortunately. At least I view her as not a friend to the marriage so I'm cutting her friend off. I told FWW and she agreed that the action was disrespectful.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

UPDATE: Her friend blocked me on fb and continued friends with OM and my FWW. WOW! Who can you trust right? So it's up to FWW to stand up for our M and do or say something. Betrayal is more common than I ever thought.
I must have been naive for way too many years.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Her friend blocked me on fb and continued friends with OM and my FWW. WOW! Who can you trust right? So it's up to FWW to stand up for our M and do or say something.
Time to ask FWW if her friendship with "friend" is more important than her M, and begin taking appropriate actions to defog her.

Don't wanna shake things up without a serious cause.
You posted here that you're concerned about OM's FB behavior. Isn't that serious cause enough? Get OM's BW into the loop. Who cares if it shakes things up in their home, he is already doing it in your home...he should feel some of the same pain he is causing by lurking on FB.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:40 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

You posted here that you're concerned about OM's FB behavior. Isn't that serious cause enough? Get OM's BW into the loop. Who cares if it shakes things up in their home, he is already doing it in your home...he should feel some of the same pain he is causing by lurking on FB.

It is something that I'm considering. What I told FWW is that she needs to tell her friends that to remain her friends on FB, they have to unfriend him. It's up to FWW to stand up for our M. She's a rugsweeper and doesn't like to rock the boat, but this isn't my fault. This is the consequence of her actions. I just need to stand firm on it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

If you tell OM's BW, it might get so bad for him at home that he will drop out of FB, and your problem is solved. Right now, you are doing all the work.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

If you tell OM's BW, it might get so bad for him at home that he will drop out of FB, and your problem is solved. Right now, you are doing all the work.

FUCK! I'll start a shit storm in my home and his. Seriously...I'm not sure it's worth it. It may open a can of warms that I do not want to deal with right now. It's been 9 months since my last contact with OM. I can't do it.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
simpleD
New Member
Member # 40321
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

IMHO you & your fWW should deactivate your FB account... OR you may need "unfriend" your fWW's friend who is friends with the OM.

If you are not on FB it may be easier for you to move on and not obsess about the photos that you can no longer see. Maybe your fWW just shouldn't take any photos with this friend moving forward.

If you decide to keep FB, I do like the idea of filling your FB with all the happy photos of you & fWW, as a couple in R. In my case I'm still afraid to re-open a path onto the slippery slope that FB can be. My fWH was obsessed with it so we both deleted our FB accounts as one of my conditions for R.

Best of luck. It's a journey.


BS(me)48; WH 49
High School Sweethearts
Together 32 years
Married 25 years
DD, 20 years
Dday 8/11
In Recovery

Posts: 22 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Considering it. It's unfortunate since I enjoyed FB. Got to keep in touch with distant family and old friends.

If you decide to keep FB, I do like the idea of filling your FB with all the happy photos of you & fWW, as a couple in R

I've thought of this, but didn't want the FWW to think I'm obsessing over her. She's fallen off my "amazing wife" pedestal for now.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Silentthoughts
Member
Member # 40289
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

I am a ww. I gave up my FB account. I resented having to do it initially because i didn't think it had anything to do with my situation but bh insisted and it was a trigger for him so I am glad now I did. You can actually suspend the account and not completely delete it. One day I may reactivate it but that will be something my bh and I will decide together. I just told my friends I was concerned with privacy issues and was taking a break for a while. As a WS you give things up you don't want to do but the m is more important, IMHO.


WW - early 50s (me)
BH - late 40s
3 grown children
Married 25 years
Online cyber sex dec 2010. I got caught late dec 2010. Lying and TT until full disclosure jan 2011.
In R we both are committed to staying in this M.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Silentthoughts - Thank you for your thoughts. Wishing you the best.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

2m2q,

I think you need that shit storm at home. This is a big issue for you, with good reason. It a source of conflict between you and your W. Why, in the name of all that's good and wise, are you trying to avoid it? (I say 'trying to avoid', which is the same as 'failing to avoid', because you're certainly not succeeding in avoiding it.')

You both have to stand up for your M. You have to stand up for yourself.

2m2q, You are better than this. You are stronger than you think. You've got an issue. Bring it up. Resolve it. It'll be good for both of you and for your M, as well.

If your W chooses FB over you, well, that would be awful - but the sooner you know, the sooner you can improve your sitch. Don't let your W hold you back. Don't let her hurt you any more.
************************

If this were going on in om's household, would you want his W to tell you about the A?

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:48 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

So he has befriended all her friends from the old job and apparently OBS doesn't know or give a shit I think. WTF?

I guess all guys kinda leave a back door open in case there's a possibility. Watch out ladies, guys never really give up the cake.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, September 12th (Thursday)

Stillgoing's response on page 1 is still, like, my favorite SI response ever.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:32 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1761 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 51