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User Topic: She had affair with a man of another race
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My wife had an affair with a man of another race. It doesn't matter what race. I have never fealt animosity towards people of other races but this has me insecure and wondering what she liked about him. Now whenever she has to work with someone from that race I get suspicious. recently she had selected a physical trainer who was of that same race and I told her I wasn't comfotable with that and she thought i was racist which i am not. I am not in fact very comfortable since her A with a male trainer of any race. How do i sort out these feelings?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My WH was on craigslist..and one of the whores he attempted to screw around with was/is a different race. She sent him a pic. Im not racist. Have never been. But now,when I see a pretty young woman of the same race as this whore,I feel very insecure,and I find myself not liking her. But,honestly,if the whore had had long blond hair,Im pretty sure that would be a problem for me too.

As it is..he cheated on me with a man.

I have never had a problem with gay men..ever. I've been very vocal about fairness and equal rights,etc. But anything that has to do with gay men now? Can't deal with it.

I think what you're feeling is normal. It doesn't make you a racist. It makes you human. I bet if her OM had been short with a goatee,you would hate goatees.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6637 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

My last AP is from the UK. Same race, but I cringe whenever we hear a man speaking with a British accent, because it's probably a trigger for BH.

If you're not comfortable with her having a male trainer...why does she have one? Aren't there plenty of perfectly qualified female trainers? Even pre-A, we would've considered it a potential boundary violation for me to have a (hetero) male trainer.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 763 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

ahhhh... no more male trainers.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
SuperSadWife
New Member
Member # 39896
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..


Me (50)BW
Him (46) FWH
DD 17 and seriously hurt by this all..
Married for 18 years..together 20yrs
EA 2009- 23 yr old that has a childhood crush on my husband. named her child after my husband...sick girl on & off +2years stopped when he started

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

There are wonderful professional Women Trainers. I'd insist that she have a female trainer...or that she train alone; Or simply skip the gym until she LEARNS A BIT OF COMPASSION/EMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR PAIN.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

She can't find a female trainer?

But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry. Now how irrational is that?!? Little green men trigger me!!!


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1854 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

This is a really, really tricky subject that I've thought a lot about. I'm Caucasian, WW is Latina, OM (a friend) was African-American. It hasn't stopped me from continuing to have friends of that race, but if I'm being honest... When I go out and see mixed race couples of the same combination as my wife and OM, I do trigger a bit. It's weird, because the interracial aspect doesn't affect me at all (clearly, since I'm in one) it's just the specific black male/ Latin female combo. If the genders are switched, boom, no trigger.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Dark Inertia:

Damn. I'm Asian, young, but not stupid. Always nice to be hated based on race, no matter what the reason. I have to admit, re-reading that whole post kind of sickens me.

Hmm, my husband cheated on me with a white girl. Do I get a free excuse hate card as well?

I'm sure SuperSadWife did not mean it the way it sounded. We're talking of triggers here....so any "reminder" of the affair partner can trigger when somebody of similar race, style, voice, occupation...whatever....comes into their vision. Her husband's choice of OW, to SuperSadWife seemed to be young, stupid Asians. Of course not all Asians are stupid (OR YOUNG). I can see how those words would hurt you though.

[This message edited by JanetS at 11:46 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2475 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Yea. Well I'm not if i am rascist but I always disliked Filipinos..maybe because I am a Spaniard and my grandfather lost so much on his businesses there.. But now I hate any Asian woman especially young and stupid. And it seemed that WH always has a thing for them but before I trusted him and didn't think twice if he looked since he promised he would never cheat because he didnt need to and it was not worth.. WTF happened.. Now I cring at their sight.. Go figure..
Wow.

My XWH cheated with white women (we're both black), mainly a specific hair color, hair type, and body type. WHILE we were married, this particular "look" triggered me badly, especially since he was an unremorseful fuckweasel.

Current hubby is white. His brothers, their wives, kids, parents etc are white. I think its safe to say that I don't have a problem with Caucasians.

Hurtincolorado- I get where its coming from. Time, distance, and remorse from your WW will help. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound likes she "gets" it.


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5503 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

My Ex had an affair with a woman of another race that barely spoke English. That idiot downloaded a translator app on his phone just to communicate with her better.

For a while I felt sick to my stomach whenever I was around someone of that race who spoke her language or had a very strong accent.

Thankfully it didn't last long. Ironically, the first guy to try to date me after we separated was of the same race as OW! He wanted a relationship and I'm FAR from that point so we definitely weren't on the same page.

But it helped me to stop making OW the disgusting and morally reprehensible representative of an entire race of people.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Opheliapain
Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

My FWH had affairs with women of at least 4 different races and his cheating all started with a kiss from another guy.

I trigger and still struggle but it is not their race (or gender) that makes them broken people. Just like everyone of your wife's race is not broken it is true of the AP's race.

But for now it is okay to feel triggery. Don't add guilt sprinkles on your shit sandwich. Just move through your triggers and it will stop bothering you at all.

Example...two weeks ago I ordered a dish at the Cheesecake factory that had the same name as OW (the one he told he loved her to) and her name was SUCH a huge trigger. I didn't realize the dish was her name until later that night and then it didn't even trigger me.


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 172 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
iggyD
Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Unfortunately most times when there is a disclaimer when discussing issues involving race such as: "it's not about race" - it usually is.

Sorting out your feelings might include actually asking your WW what she liked about him instead of assuming it was his race. For her, it may have had nothing to do with race, and was maybe something similar to blonds being attracted to brunettes, etc. But then making the leap to being suspicious about her "working" with someone of this race doesn't really lend itself to not being about race.

Regarding the personal trainer, the simple fix is a female trainer. Ask yourself how you'd feel about a female trainer who is the same race as the AP?


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
iggyD
Member
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

t/j @SuperSad - simply wow.

I'd love to be as magnanimous about what you're "trying" to communicate as JanetS, but your post is simply offensive.

I get "triggers" but let's be clear, that's not what you're talking about.

end t/j


2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
SecondHelping
Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I think I read somewhere that it only takes a 5-10% correlation to trigger emotions. The OP in my situation is from Roswell, NM and now when I hear anything about UFOs and aliens I think of her and get angry

Yup, same thing with me and cops. I can't stand seeing any cop now!


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, Kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 462 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Hm, I think there is a fine line between racism and association due to insecurity.

If my wife had slept with a black guy, I'd be insecure about black guys. Not hate, just a constant roll of "Man they must be better than me, and not just because they can make a pink polo shirt work in an everyday casual setting." I think I'd probably feel that most of those guys are okay but people being who they are regardless of ethnicity, well, some suave young fellow in a pink polo shirt might catch her eye and be receptive if the stirrings of infidelity barfed all over things again. So it's less about racism and more about the checklist of things that were involved. If it was a guy who wore balloons on his head then I'd be insecure about balloons. Luckily for me it was just some loser with a big dick, and I duct taped a broom handle to my cock and got over that one, everything else I'm just more awesomer anyway.

I think sorting out these feelings probably requires professional help, but the easiest way to deal with it is to tell her that you're uncomfortable with her having any one on one time with another guy. Tell her you need her to work with a female trainer to be comfortable with it.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7100 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

SuperSadWife...

While you're entitled to your opinion, we would caution you that your post/words are very hurtful and offensive to anyone there that is of that race.

Please be more respectful to the wide range of members we have here.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 191851 | Registered: May 2002
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

With me it wasn't a race thing so much but a generality thing so to speak. My exWW cheated on me with a high ranking military officer. It very much undermined my self esteem because of his rank. I know for a fact it's what attracted her to him. I'm not nor have ever been in the military. Anyhow, I live in a military town. Whenever for instance I would stand behind one of our soldiers in uniform at a Starbucks or in line at the airport, I've wanted to do nothing but punch him in the back of the head. And I don't even know this person. Watching all our sporting events that honor people who serve (especially during national anthems) really made me sick to my stomach and for a long time because I grouped all these men as cheaters and looking for nothing but a piece of ass. About 8 months after Dday I went on a four hour flight and went to take my seat. It was next to a serviceman in uniform. Wow that was tough for me. Feeling that way actually sickened myself. It took a few yeas now to begin getting over that. Lots of reading about it to help me deal with that anger.

What I suppose you're feeling has to do more with triggers probably than discrimination. I can tell you it will pass with time. But I do not think it's unreasonable for you to request your wife not to work out with any male trainers. She needs to sympathize with you and adhere to that request. If she doesn't it's an action of being unremorseful towards your feelings. For me that would be a huge deal breaker if she didn't make an effort to understand that. But then again, they can't really understand in the first place why cheating is wrong either.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:33 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I don't think race would bother me, I love men of all races and have friend of all races. I love human life. What does TRIGGER THE HELL out of me is that DAMN name! And it is so popular that I have to hear it at least 3x a day.

My wh and I are not of same race. I am white and he is black. I realize that I have to be more afraid of the white women here. I swear where I live it is like a trend or something now. If a white girl see's a black man (no matter age) she is all on it.

Now, my wh is insercure of white men and me. He thinks that I would go back to a white man. That is not true. I will go for a man that treats me as a queen, protects me, cherishes, and adores me. Nothing to do with color or penis size. SO AH WH!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Luckily for me it was just some loser with a big dick, and I duct taped a broom handle to my cock and got over that one, everything else I'm just more awesomer anyway.

OMG

My H cheated on me, emotionally and physically, with a variety of white girls. I trigger seeing anyone who looks like any of those girls. There's a billboard for some community college featuring a horsey blonde who looks like one of them as you come into my town. There's a heavyset short brunette with big tits who works in my office. They both trigger me. I wish all these OW had looked similar so I'd only have one type-trigger. Oh well.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Oh Jana,
That is awful. I am sorry.. That has to suck! I get triggered by the name and also.. prieced nose, tongue, and a cocky personality!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

My wh is Irish. I am mixed with MULTIPLE things. I look spanish or Italian but i am not.

Mow is caucasian.
ONS also caucasian.

I have caucasian aunts of the same age that dont trigger me.

Its only when I see women who resemble the AP. i dont hate all middle aged caucasian women but the ones who resemble mow i.e. mid 40's brunette, fakin baked, busty, large nose, Goiter...Well they trigger me and its hard for me to interact with them.

I have realized it had nothing to do with mow race she was just willing and available. I have learned wh type is any shape, size or color of "slutty".. Something I am not and never will be. I have seen wh try to hook up with 25 yr olds and 45 yr old..flat chested 5'10 blondes and short pudgy busty brunettes.

I would not say all middle aged caucasian married woman are lying home wreckers and I hate them all! Thats a big generalization. Messed up people do messed up shit. Thats what i have realized. And when im triggering over some woman wh is oblivious because mow physically was that insignificant to him. That sums it up.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Oh I wanted to add that after d-day i started wearing push up bras, bras that increase your bust. Felt like i had 2 growths strapped to my chest..lol. I have a D who is 14 and has DD almost DDD BREASTS. She cant stand them. What one person may envy another may find a burden...ALL those bras are in the garbage and im ok being just me. AP is nothing more than a reflection of my wh. That speaks volumes about him and says nothing about me.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
DragnHeart
Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

AP is nothing more than a reflection of my wh. That speaks volumes about him and says nothing about me.

^^^^^this exactly.

Although I admit I am still triggered a lot by other woman. Wh PA was with an older woman. EA with a younger one.

I guess he wanted the physical comfort of an older woman while the younger one stroked his ego. Or maybe not. Who knows... It's on him to figure that out.

For me I am triggered by many things: their names, woman with the same hair colour/style, the city they work in which the OW's live in etc.

Triggers are triggers. Had they been of another race perhaps it would bother me, can't say since they weren't. I just look forward to the day I realize I have unknowingly faced a trigger and it didn't send me over the edge...


Posts: 2760 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
justdoit
Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

My FWH had an affair with the stereotype of southern white trash. Do I hate all fat southern bleach blondes that call everyone honey? No, but I do grit my teeth a little when I hear the accent. I've never actually seen her face - have only FWH description of her to go by - so shortly after DDay I had a dream about her and her head was a giant smiley face in the dream - so what I really hate are alien monsters with big butts and !!


Me - 59
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I understand. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I am now anti-blonde. Which was really sad because I'm so gray now I was thinking of trying blonde.

I am also now anti S-name. Unfortunately there is a freaking CHIP line named after her. I had a bad trip to Sam's club last weekend. You can't avoid the "chip" aisle there because they spill out into the walkways instead of staying in the aisle. Motherf....

And I think my issues are mild because she was not even a PA, just an unrequited, one-sided EA.


Posts: 524 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Your WW had an A.
It doesn't matter who it was with.
She has no right to get mad because she cheated on you.
It's an act to cover up what she did.


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Jeezus take the wheel on this one....OMG

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:44 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Godsgirl
Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

My WH's first and last OW were both very attractive Hispanic women. After his first A with Hispanic OW#1, he made a comment about being attracted to her because she was the opposite of me. I'm very white with lot of freckles, dark blond hair, and blue eyes so basically the complete opposite of most Hispanic women.

I certainly don't dislike all Hispanic women now but I trigger very badly when I see women that resemble these two OW's. And I wonder if WH would have chosen a Hispanic woman to marry instead of being stuck with me. Is that what he's really attracted to because I can never make myself look Hispanic. I can't tan, I just burn, peel, and look a little darker for about a month. And of course I like myself too much to want to try to turn myself into someone I'm not.

I think its normal feeling insecure no matter who our WS's pick to have A's with. But directing our anger at the whole race, gender, or people with similar characteristics is as misplaced as blaming the OP instead of our WS for the A.

Your WW though is being incredibly insensitive and unremorseful. How would she feel if you announced that you were attracted to red heads with green eyes and then picked a trainer with that same hair and eye color. And from this point on all of her trainers should be female. She's already proven that she isn't trustworthy and faithful. If she wants to R with you, then she needs to work on her boundaries and get a sensitivity chip.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

he made a comment about being attracted to her because she was the opposite of me.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6149 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

IMHO these, right now, are simply triggers ... nothing more.

I, too, hated anyone whose name was "Tony" and anyone from Pittsburgh. But after a while that didn't seem to matter anymore. Many friends here are named Tony and many friends here are from Pittsburgh ...

But if you're Tony from Pittsburgh, well ...

You're not a racist, you're just hurting right now.


Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Unfortunately there is a freaking CHIP line named after her.

Fito's (freako's), Hostess (hostaslut), BM Chips (POS), Olay's (O'lay me)?

You have me guessing now....


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)37
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2459 | Registered: Aug 2011
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

My husband cheated with two completely different women of the same race. One was a young red head, the other was a middle-aged overweight brunette. I don't see that many red heads around here but we've got a lot of middle-aged overweight brunettes...

I don't allow myself to judge any of them by the OW standards. While the covers may be similar, I'm fairly certain the pages are very different. I've always been one to pull the dust jacket off when I read the book anyway.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3774 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

The race thing is tricky. Just like infidelity, if it has not happened to you then it is hard to wrap your head around.

I am of one race, my X is of another. He cheated with a family member of the same race as him and his family support the A. Yes, the entire race triggers me because of the actions of about 6 people. I cannot deny that even to be politically correct. I have worked hard to overcome it. A few years ago I took a big step and went to an ethnic grocery store. I posted about it because it was a big deal to me -- I had not been able to go to that ethnic grocery store for about 5 years because of the triggers. Some of the poster on this site shredded me for being a racist. Ha. I thought that was funny because I was in a mixed raced marriage while living in the rural south where things like that were simply not accepted. We were not only discriminated against, we were also harassed. Avoiding things that trigger you is not a form of racism.

hurtincolorado, you are not a racist because you do not want your WW to have a trainer who is the same gender and race as the OM. You are not a racist just because you want to avoid people who remind you of the OM. I can tell you that the triggers will become less over time and may actually go away. I now have no problem going to an ethnic grocery store. I could not say that 3 years ago and I could not even imagine it 8 years ago.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17272 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
aesir
Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

How nice for you wife that she can just race card you and rugsweep all the triggers. Skin color would be one type of resemblance to the AP, and I assume he fell somewhere between Gary Coleman, Jimmy Walker, and Fat Albert, but you know, all that matters is the skin color for some people.

Sounds to me like not only is your wife unremorseful, but she doesn't have much respect for you in other ways as well if that is her goto response to one of your triggers. I would caution you that if that continues, you can't reconcile.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
SuperSadWife
New Member
Member # 39896
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Well @ deeply scared and iggyD and others..
So this is sublime.
we are talking about our WS cheating with others.. and of course they are all bitches and whores because they slept and chased our WS..,
but honestly should I be offended that I am a white woman from the south of certain age and that occasionally says honey...
No because I am not that person and I have no moral resemblence to those women..
But let's face it... We are talking about race and its a fine line..
we are all adults and i personally hate political correctlness..
with that said. Asian you gorl who is t stupid sorry i offended you but lets clarify Filipinos don't really classify as Asians anyway so you can be exonerated of that title.
But lets face the facts..there is a trend of Asian women going for white guys.. Maybe that's what you take offense to..


Me (50)BW
Him (46) FWH
DD 17 and seriously hurt by this all..
Married for 18 years..together 20yrs
EA 2009- 23 yr old that has a childhood crush on my husband. named her child after my husband...sick girl on & off +2years stopped when he started

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

OH.MY.GAWD.

I need to stay off this thread...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

lawdy lawdy lawdy


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2384 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

A trend of Asian women going for white guys?

Are you serious?

I think my eyeballs just popped out off my head permanently.

OH MY GOD!!!!

Supersadwife...I am speechless. Wow...


Im not even going to get tangled up in this bull crap.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Alright Paula Dean, the rouse is up!

Anyway, can this thread go back on topic please?

Eta: I think the OP got scared off. SG had an excellent, albeit hilarious response with ASSOCIASIONS and not necessarily the race of the person themselves.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 5:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Sorry but im a smart ass.....the
absurdity of this statement is just mind boggling. Being that i probably can relate to every racial statement considering I'm mixed with

-irish
-african american
- english
- danish
- japanese
- cherokee indian

There are triggers and then there is just being down right prejudiced...be real about it at least.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Unfortunately there is a freaking CHIP line named after her.

That chick's momma named her SUNCHIPS??!!?? ( )


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Supersadwife...your not a racist!!!

BUT...

You have always disliked Philipinos...uh...

That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!

Yes plz lets go back to the original poster..oh my god.


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

and of course they are all bitches and whores because they slept and chased our WS
Umm...your WS willingly played a role in the A so don't forget to call him a playa' pimp and man-whore. And if you aren't, I'm sure that the AP's BS is. Just sayin'.

Look, I get it. People trigger. Names, race, weight, height, hair color, eye color, scent, blah, blah, blah. But for crying out loud people, can we be just a little bit more sensitive to the diversity that makes up SI???

While you're over there ranting and raving about *insert some horrible generalization about a specific race here*, don't forget that there are people here that fit that racial description. That's hurtful. And while you might not be offended to be clumped in with a generalization, other people are. Be respectful of other people's feelings. We all have our own levels of hurt and pain tolerances. Be sensitive to that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5435 | Registered: Nov 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

@SSW: Once again- Wow.

I'm just going to start counting down til the hammer drops at this point....


To the original poster, you are not a racist. You're very raw and (as others have pointed out) certain associations with the AP are going to be triggers for a while. Hang in there. It is part of that "fun" rollercoaster called surviving infidelity.


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5503 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Just a reminder for this thread to get back on topic


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 191851 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

dammit I was waiting for the hammer of Thor!


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Slight t/j:
Sunflower you sound absolutely beautiful!
I, for one, can't express enough how thankful I am of the various opinions, personalities and help of the members here at SI. Red, yellow, black or white.

Now let's all hold hands and sing "Kumbaya"

End t/j

Eta: sorry, posted same time as mod

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 6:08 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Supersadwife won't be coming back to this thread.

Let's please get back to supporting the original poster.

Thanks .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34664 | Registered: Sep 2007
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

You've got enough to deal with in the A aftermath and shouldn't have to worry about your wife using a male personal trainer regardless of their race.

Out of deference to your feelings, she should drop the male trainer and use a female trainer instead (it's a no brainer). And it's great you're communicating your concerns like this to her because it will help her to begin building more empathy for you and what you're going through (and what's expected of her).

Heck I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my FWH even using a coed gym at this point but I'm the possessive and jealous type.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 cheated after 32 years of M with CL moneygrubbing whore
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Hurtingincolorado, nothing you have said sounds racist to me at all. You sound crushed and deeply hurt over your ww actions. I think its pretty insensitive and disrespectful of your wife to still be using a personal trainer let alone a male one. Jmo. Do you trigger when she goes to work out?

Just wanted to also apologize for jacking your thread earlier.

:(


Together 20yrs married 17yrs
2 kids, now 18 & 15
Bw: now 37
Wh: now 36
Mow: now 49
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
hurtincolorado
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I am the original poster. Thanks for all your responses and help. I think I am hypersensitive to anything about "him" the is different than me. Race is just one thing. He is taller, thinner and younger and is probably less harried as he doesn't have 4 kids. I dont like younger men around my wife or thinner men or taller men but I don't feel bad about that discomfort as she has caused that. I guess I focused on race because we have all been taught and believe that we should be race neutral and that is how I have lived my life. I now feel I am nervous when she is around men of that other race not because I have an animosity for that race any more than I have an animosity against tall, young or fit folks. Its because I don't trust her around her sexual triggers. It has nothing to do about race. It is about how he is different than me and my insecurity about that. Thanks everyone. I feel better, not a ton, but incrementally more.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
stilllovingher
Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

It has nothing to do about race. It is about how he is different than me and my insecurity about that

lemme flip this script for you...

it has nothing to do with race,height,weight,and even has nothing to do with the trainer...
it is your WW. It is her that you are insecure about, remove her and the "racism" will likely disappear with her.
That's not a suggestion, just an illustration.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2384 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Topic Posts: 54