User Topic: Did WS confess initially or did you discover A?
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Found out on my own.

The maddening thoughts wondering what life would be had I not found out make me crazy.

Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

My wife got really brazen about what she was doing. I think it got to a point where she didn't care if she got caught or not. I confronted her after a few months. In a way, it was probably a relief that she did get caught, but it took three years to get what I think is the whole story.

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

EA - caught
ONS - confessed

Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Caught her. I only had her phone for a few minutes. I searched for the word "love" on her email. Bam. Up popped three email messages. I read them and knew my life had changed forever.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 955 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I knew but couldn't get him to tell me until several years later. Its been a long, emotional road

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

My WH had some kind of bizarre psychotic break and confessed. He's still working through exactly what happened there with his IC. He was literally close to insane for a few days. I quote things he said and he (claims to) have zero recollection of them.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I got an e-mail from his last OW. I then found the two online and he confessed to the two who live in town. None of that would have ever happened had the last OW not sent me a fb message.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Walked himself into it. Was acting weird and aggressive. Our collective financial circumstances improved and he started talking postnup and was asking me to sign away my spousal privileges because I was the one with a "safety net." Didn't make any sense. Fight ensued. Yadda yadda. He started sobbing, unable to speak.

... after about 3 mins of just sitting there in silence watching him cry, he finally said "I'm sorry I didn't know myself better."

It clicked. I said "oh my god." He just nodded.

That was it. All hell broke loose after that.

Within three weeks we were NC and we haven't spoken since.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I discovered what he was up to. When presented with solid evidence (copies of the love letter he wrote) he denied it meant anything. As time went on & I found out more he continued to deny, deny, deny. He never once admitted anything, not to me, not to IC, not to MC, not to pastors, not to parenting eval, and I assume not to his lawyer. To this day he's not admitted a thing.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I found out. I always have known what something was up and then I a dream about it. I looked up ph recorders and saw all the texts. And he started talking about his co worker all the time and I told him to stay away from her because I had this feeling that was not good. While he started going out all the time till all ours in the morning, then I found the motel receipt. And I confronted him and he keep his A going in my face til I moved out or sorry til his mom passed away and I moved out 3.5 years later.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I discovered. WH passed out drunk on the sofa while skype sexting with his OW.

Unfortunately for him he left his chat log up and his lap top open on his chest before losing consciousness.

Confronted him the next day and the lies and minimizations commenced. He has only ever admitted to what I have confronted him with.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I discovered their EA when a text came through from OW: some drivel about "laying on the couch dreaming of making love to you." I immediately confronted and was given the old "ILYBINILWY crap, I love two people, it just happened, I've found my soulmate." How trite and right from the cheaters' handbook.

When I found out later they had broken NC and I was literally getting out my suitcase and demanding the full truth fWS blurted out the ONS. Thanks fWS. I was also on obstetrics call that night so I couldn't even drink or take a sleeping pill. Nice.

One thing I definitely did differently from my father (BS) was I was not going to play the patsy and try to nice my WS. I saw first hand what a disaster that was. Nope. Every time fWS was just a little too bitchy I was ready to leave and tell her family why. I had a full go bag packed for three months¡

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2244 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I had kicked both my WH and his AP out of my house, giving her 20 days and him time to find somewhere else to go. At that time, I didn't know they were having an actual physical affair although I knew he wanted to but she was my super close best friend who had no interest in him >.<
I went up to my mom's to stay...during this time, she thought he had chosen her...she didnt understand that he had only chosen himself...he refused to take his wedding ring off...she got mad and sent me an email exposing their affair.
Ta da! Life changed forever. I've lived through him having sex with other women and him doing awful things in our marriage before but this was the first time he had ever lied and it was after 3 years of totally false R.
Hate this shit.

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
New Member
Member # 39685
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I picked up on a cryptic hint from my ex wife's best friend. My ex wife's affair partner was her husband.

From there, I looked at our AT&T bill. Hundreds of text messages to/from AP. A number of short phone calls to.
It pays to look at the phone bill from time to time.

She set up a gmail account and stupidly used the same password as our shared email. Equally stupid, she saved all of the emails! No problem tracing the beginnings back to Black Friday this past November.

I used the Find My iPhone app to figure out how they were meeting. Was able to catch them red handed when it showed her at his house. No way she could explain what I broke up.

Kicked my ex out of the house immediately and filed for divorce once the extent of her treachery was known. I refuse to reconcile with a cheater.

Divorce final a month ago. She's been trying to get me to hear her out on trying to reconcile since D-Day. No way, not now, not ever.

If I didn't catch her, I'd still be clueless. Her own stupidity was her undoing.

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 11:51 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

BS: Me-38
XWS: Her-34
Married 7 yrs, together 9 years-No kids
Ex had 4 month PA with her best friends husband. Other flings early in marriage confessed during discovery.
Divorce final 6-25-2013.
Carefully reconciling after divorce. 10/2013

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I discovered it. I couldn't sleep one night, just knew I had to look at his phone and when I did. Bam discovered it was with his employee

Next thing he knew was a cell phone upside his head with me yelling "get the fuck out of this house you are busted!"

I also discovered that it was EA and PA not just EA like he was claiming

I also caught every single broken NC so I am aware I do not have very good odds with this man.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I was talking with his sister on Christmas night when he got a graphic sext from marriedOW of the bad boundaries. I confronted immediately. He now believes he gotten more reckless and was trying to get caught on some level. She wanted him to be caught, I believe. Her BH had already caught her.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

xWW: Caught, admitted to exactly what I found (and nothing more). Caught more, admitted to exactly what I found (and nothing more). Caught again, and eventually I stopped looking.

xWH: Confronted him with suspicions 4 years after we split up. He admitted some things, and "can't remember exactly what happened" with others. Either lying or too drug-addled to put the pieces together (probably a combination of both).

Both versions suck, if you were curious. The discovery with my xWH hurts a lot less than the time with my xWW because I'm not with the jackass any longer, so at least I don't have to figure out a way to trust him again.

Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry

Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

i suspected because i found a few dirty emails...i put my head in the sand and let him gaslight me. when i found another dirty email, he confessed to cheating...after lying for months. thought we were reconcilng....even though he did none of the hard work...and found out i was in false r after finding a dirty text in his phone. he still denied it....said it was just sexting. discovered from him during separation...and from the ow...that it had been a pa for 1 1/2 years.

it was all bad.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 988 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Hell no he didn't confess, even with evidence in my hand, he still denied. He will never cop to the grave it will go and it drives me crazy knowing I will never ever know the complete story.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
New Member
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I suspected he had feelings for her and asked, but he denied. Didn't dream that she reciprocated, as she was a newlywed.

One month after telling me ILYBINILWY, he confessed to me that he was in love with her and wanted to be with her. Claimed then, and now, that it was an EA only.

He says he wants a divorce but has made no move toward it. Hasn't filed, hasn't asked me about separating our finances, and doesn't even appear to know much about the divorce process. I'd still be willing to reconcile at this point, or at least give it a whirl, for the kids.

Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I had a feeling then caught her emailing him while at a party. She was withdrawing for the month before D-Day so much that she didn't even go on the family vacation so she could offer him time to come over.

She also told my kids she wanted a D so when I confronted her, she said it was a joke (same thing she said when I found the emails) and couldn't look me in the face to answer me. SO BROKEN...

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I figured out about the ONS from his strange behavior.

I found out it was really an ongoing A when her BH called me.

I got lots more revelations in 2+ years of trickle-truth.

Got the door closed on all the discovery - finally - when H scheduled himself for a poly.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Mr. Trac-Fone's M.O. is to deny, even when confronted. When presented with concrete evidence, he sometimes cops to whatever is "alleged."

He confessed nothing. His secrets and lies are far, far too important to him.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:14 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

After several times of him denying I got in his phone and found it. He then came clean only to take it back a few weeks later and say it was a set up. The several other times he got caught w her in the middle of the night and daily chit chatting (dont know what about just how much) showed me the truth even more. 2 months since I think she's gone...

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I actually accused him of betraying me for no "reason," it was just a feeling I had. We were long distance at the time, and his behaviour was just really off.

Then he came home, and there was no question that something was wrong. I got the ILYBINILWY speech, and a bunch of crap about our horrible relationship. He was like a stranger.

I just kept asking him who the other woman was until he admitted the truth.

I will always, ALWAYS, trust my gut after that.

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1678 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

First time he did, second time he had his head up his ass and I guess had convinced himself he wasn't doing anything wrong.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
New Member
Member # 39928
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I suspected something was wrong and started checking phone and email. Yahoo conveniently sent a text alert regarding an email account I didn't recognize...I was able to log in and read 800+ emails from 2 OW over 18 months...

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: texas
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Mine got arrested for stalking OW. He confessed, and swears that the confession was because of guilt. I think it was because I'm an attorney, and might have found out about it. To this day, he still says that he respects me because he confessed, and that he didn't have to confess.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1212 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Mine intentionally left the evidence in his jeans pocket. I found it when I was doing his laundry. He confessed on the spot when I approached him with the trinket in my hand.

He couldn't stop the A himself, so, as usual, leaves the dirty work to me. He couldn't even go NC, so I told OW's BH 5 mos. later.

PA much?

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I busted OW 1 in 2006 from evidence on his laptop. (I thought we were beyond this and had actually forgotten about it until last year. I didn't count it as DDay 1 in my signature.)

I busted OW 4 in April 2012 from his behavior.

I busted OW 2 in April 2013, after he moved back home, based on old google chats I found on his laptop. When confronted, he confirmed it was a ONS in 2008 and then confessed to a ONS with OW 3 in 2009.

Finally, I busted the supposed ONS with #3 on July 4th. It was actually a 2yr one-sided (him) EA that culminated in a 4day PA during a business trip to her town. I found an old love letter he wrote to her - once again on his computer.

The moral of my story - my tech savvy husband is not smart enough to delete the evidence if his transgressions...and I was apparently living in a different marriage than he was.

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 9:10 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Wh had been acting off for several months. I thought he was just overwhelmed with life. We went to a local pub. Wh got shit faced drunk and was trying to hook up with one of our male friends 25 yr old girlfriend. It was humiliating. I left on foot. Found his car parked oddly with him in passed out in it 30min later. Moved him to back seat and then looked through his cell to see if he read any of my texts....bam texts from mow. Bam pics of them together making out...bam pics of her naked. So ya i had to find out...i had asked a few weeks before if there was someone else. He said no. Lying coward.

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I discovered it, my gut was bugging me for a while and then some things he said and did just made it click in my mind and I knew. Took me all of 5 minutes to find the evidence on his computer. I too wonder every single day how this would have panned out if I didn't find out. It would certainly still be going on full force, and knowing that the ONLY reason he is not effing her right now is because I found out makes me

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

WH confessed to the LTA under duress. OW FB messaged me to call her when I was alone. WH saw this over my shoulder, told me to close my laptop, and sent DD1 upstairs.

OW1 told me he cheated when we were dating. After pressing that, he admitted to it. A few ONSs. And some sexting with another woman about the same time he started up with OW1 in 2007.

Denied (oh, did he deny and deny) there was anything else, but two months later when I pressed for his password to his phone bills, he offered to print off every page and highlight OW1's calls.

I insisted on the password, and that's when he confessed to the two howorkers.

Think there's more? Me too.

[This message edited by tryingmybest2011 at 9:22 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.

Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

He didn't confess and I didn't discover. OW outed him on DDay#1 with a phone call to me. She was pissed he had lied to her and had flown to see me (I was working out of state). I was totally blindsided to learn of the LTA. He only confessed to whatever she told me and nothing more. Swore it was over and he had been trying to get rid of her for awhile, but she was threathening him that she would tell me, but also admitted he wouldn't have stopped if he hadn't gotten caught and thought I would never find out. Then almost a year later she outed him again that they were still seeing each other. He denied it for days until I finally showed him the evidence I had. As far as I know it has now ended, but I trust him about as far as I can throw him.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I got a phone call from OW's father telling me. Confronted WXH and he made up a story I believed. Two months later, another phone call, from someone anonymous. Again confronted and WXH acted all distressed that someone could be trying to sabotage our marriage. I believed him.

But my gut could never truly rest. One night, he was acting weird and quiet and I asked what was wrong and he kept saying nothing. Then he said, "I can't..." And I knew. I said, "You are having an affair, aren't you?" And that was that.

He's the incredible silent man in that he never actually says anything. I had to ask about the affair, I had to finally ask if he was never coming home (after he moved out and started taking his personal documents). I don't think he was ever going to tell me anything ever.

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

The first d-day I caught them. It was sort of d-week. Every single day I caught one more thing and they scurried like rats. On the final day I caught them IM'ing by breaking into WH's secret email account, I saw enough to know. The next day, after running off with OW for the night, WH told the whole story. Then after a week of NC, they started back up again and so began the torture of false R. This went on for about two months before WH confessed - d-day 2. He claims that when I caught them, the betrayal had just turned physical, and he was deep under the illusion that she was the magic unicorn princess, but after about a month of part 2, the illusion was pretty much shattered and he spent the final month trying to break it off without her revealing everything to me. He finally realized the only way to get out of it and not have to worry about her telling me, was to tell me himself.

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

MH here, two stories.

I found out when the OBS of my WW's AP turned up on my doorstep. Even with that kind of evidence, it took 24 hours of confrontation for WW to admit to it. After that, she never confessed a single detail, except to confirm that which I had discovered or figured out independently.

At her constant prodding, I eventually had an RA ONS of my own, confessed the very next day.

That just gave her permission to clam up even tighter, "I don't want to know what you did, so you can't ask me any more about what I did."

In spite of it all, we managed to R and are more or less happily married 35 years later. Too bad about my wicked case of PTSD.

Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

OW outted him at company picnic. She tried to kiss him 3 times, with me standing next to him. She was new employee, and had never met me. Our marriage was in huge disconnect due to extensive travel for his work. And the partying that occured out of state. He denied then, denies now. Will take it to his grave. I was having gut feelings for awhile. All phones, expense accounts, records are company owned. Hotels are company arranged. He travels alone, to projects. So nobody can answer questions.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 951 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I suspected something because he was claiming going to the gym for several hours every night. But his gym clothes were never sweaty and actually... he kept getting fatter.

Checked the gym log-in app and it showed he had been there 3 times in over 3 mos. Confronted him... he denied and gaslighted me.

A few months later when he was out of town on business, I found a very romantic, I love you, we're a perfect couple Valentine from her to him.

Confronted him with it when he returned home. This time, no denial, no remorse, no apology, just coldness and a demand for a divorce.

God... I still hate him for that night.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
New Member
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Caught. She elft ehr cell phone downstairs after she went to bed. It kept making noises as numerous texts were coming in. I went to just turn it off to keep the damn thing quiet and there they were. Dirty, nasty texts about he wanted to do to her that night if they were togetehr. I read the thread and was horrified.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Confessed & then the infamous "given the old "ILYBINILWY crap"

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
New Member
Member # 39896
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

I discovered it.. A couple of days before found a condom in my car that he had taking over the weekend. Said it was for our 16 yr old DD who was going to a sleep over party with boys. At first I chuckled saying you should have asked me first whether that was appropriate. Was suspicious as we had not had sex in years and never used condom...
asked DD.. We are very close.. She laughed.. Asked him again came home late..hmm was with bitch to tell her he got caught.. bought more condoms cuz he told me he had them in his nightstand from when we used to do it..
I cooked dinner and went to check an email for work on computer which is where he was sleeping.. he had been sleeping in the guest/comp room. He left his phone there.. A rareity and it buzzed...oops bitch sent him a text saying how she missed him at some event he was suppose to go to.. I sent some texts back asking who she was .. Ha she was like seriously you are joking.. Little did I know but since i found the condom it freaked him out and he told her earlier they were done.. He went to bed in his room.. I looked at the nightstand which was in our room where I slept....fucking idiot bought different condoms..So I knew in my I asked him who was **** why did she text him.. oh a work friend acquaintance blah blah blah.. I did remember he mentioned her once but didn't think twice. Did some investigation on her phone number..not registered to her name.. Did more searching found the bitch.. Went to beat the shit out of him.. he joking saud shes a bitvh i met and we are having sex..literally i was floored but then he denied until he day I called and texted the bitch telling her who I was and sent emails to her and his co worker friends..
Still trying to R

Me (50)BW
Him (46) FWH
DD 17 and seriously hurt by this all..
Married for 18 years..together 20yrs
EA 2009- 23 yr old that has a childhood crush on my husband. named her child after my husband...sick girl on & off +2years stopped when he started

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)

Caught both times. Hired a PI second time and saw him on top of her. Very very difficult to recover from this. They were 3 months apart a caused me PTSD.
I can't believe it still.
I confessed but I don't think it matters regarding affairs.
It matters a lot though, when trying to recover. He never came to me. It MATTERS!!!
Have you ever seen the movie " the grey" with Liam neeson? I that movie he tells a guy he's going to die. I want THAT kind of honesty in my marriage. Not happening. Yet.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I found out. But he was dropping a lot of hints - he says know that he thinks he wanted to be found out and had kept having to stop himself telling me as we never used to have secrets. of course once he saw what he had done to me he regretted it but by that time the whole affair was a mass of regret and guilt.

After I found some texts he initially tried to explain them away, we had 24 hours of uneasy peace and then that night he got drunk and told me he didn't know he wanted to stay with me. Cue me crying, shaking, being sick with shock. Next day he came home from work, apologised, held me and knew it was a mistake. About 24 hours later I actually had the full confession - no holds barred. Horrible, I can still remember the dazed shock I felt. THEN the hard work started..... still going on 12 months later

Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I discovered everything. In fact, he never "confessed" to anything. He just agreed with what evidence I had after I showed it to him.

Posts: 3117 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I discovered that he was cheating on me in October. I had a gut feeling something was not right and checked his phone.I found sexual messages on his Facebook from a woman. Turns out the woman created a Facebook to protect her identity. He admitted to the cheating but told me it was noone I knew. It was a fling with someone he met at bar. I didn't believe his story from the beginning. I had a feeling it was my friend but he denied it.
It wasn't until a FEbruary that he. admitted it was her. I thought I knew everyhthing and that it was over but was always suspicious there was more. It wasn't until June that I found a secret facebook page that he made with her way back in october and took the affair underground. He says it is over now but I have been lied so many times that I have a hard time believing it. He is a very good liar.

Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I confronted on all four of them. He did everything out of the wayward's "handbook" through each of them. Once he admitted to everything I accused him of, only to gaslight a week later.

No wonder I always thought I was going crazy.

I'm sure he would still deny everything if I met him today. Even the last one, who me married and has a couple kids.

When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3777 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

He didn't confess, I figured it out. And completely by accident since I wasn't even suspicious. He gaslighted for about 48 hours after I figured it out and then told me.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

After years of believing him to be such a "dedicated, hard-working" man, the fact that he was never available by cell when he was working late, made me suspicious.

After his regular call to check in, and to say he only had about 3 hours' work to finish, I drove to his office to find it shut down and dark. The following week I checked the office out earlier in the evening, to see him leaving with MOW.

Still could not believe he was having an A, especially with this very grouchy, unattractive old employee.
In fact, I was almost relieved to see him leave with her as I would not have believed her to be an AP in a million years.

But they drove away so fast that I couldn't keep up. (Had I not lost them, they would have led me to their cheap Comfort Inn.

Confronted the next week, without any real proof and he spilled everything.

Had I not, I believe it would still be continuing because he is lazy and complacent in the affair just as he is in R.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
New Member
Member # 32474
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Confessed. I had no clue... He couldn't deal with the guilt. Woke me up at 1am to tell me. I had a 2 week old at the time! That was 26 years ago.

DD 2-1987
"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy.I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure." Herman Hess

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

I had a strange feeling for quite a while that something was off. I made jokes about it but inside I knew there was something not quite right.

One day while out looking at a camper I was sitting in his truck waiting for him and bored started playing with his MP3 player. It was new so I was interested in how it worked. I was shocked to find pictures of him and another woman.

He initially tried to give me the "we are just friends" line, but I told him those pictures looked intimate and he had labelled them "concert" . He was supposed to have gone to a concert with a buddy from work.

Days of TT until I got the full truth. I don't think he would have told me if I hadn't found out.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 39981
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Caught him. Was totally blindsided. Found a sex video of him and OW on his computer while he was at work. When I confronted him he said it only happened once. Then it was 3 times. I then found a text on his phone from OW that said [thanks for having your friend text me to tell me we are over. I guess I wasted a year.)He only confessed to what I found.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
New Member
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I found out. He only ever "confessed" and I use the term loosely to what I have confronted him with. So I'm still there's more I don't know. Although I'm in I don't really care mode.

Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39201
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

^^^^^^^ Exactly^^^^


Me: BS 47
Him:WH 55
M: 27 yrs
DD 4/29/13
3 kids (25,23,22

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

We were all working together. She caused a fight between us. I heard him tell her to, "cut the shit" and that minute I knew he was cheating. An hour after she left I pulled up the cell phone bills and well the rest is what they call d-day.
He sang like a canary...

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

I caught him on his third affair via lies/texts. After a year of false R he was fired for sexual harassment which he was forced to tell me, and then I forced a confession of three other AP's ten days later.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

For me, it's a mixed bag. I discovered the most recent affair, but only after a week of him lying, blaming me, and then TT. After more digging, I found out about the prostitutes, and then 2 weeks later after I threatened D he finally confessed to those. He also confessed to several sensual massages that I did not know about. I know there is more and am just waiting. Says he won't reveal any more until we go to MC together.

Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
New Member
Member # 40039
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

WH left his cell phone at home by accident. I found it and scrolled through the text messages. Lot's of messages from his AP asking him to come over and him responding back quite lovingly ( I puked in my mouth when I wrote the last word).

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: midwest
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Out of the blue I received an email (see further below) from the OW with my FWH name in the subject line. She used a fake email name.

When I didn't answer she kept emailing and then texted me which frightened me as I didn't know who it was. We don't know how she ever got my cell.

You see I trusted my FWH so much I thought my email was hacked because she had mentioned my sister by name who had discussed someone investing in my sister's business not ours.

And my husband let me believe the email hacking story (even though I was extremely afraid). He only admitted it after a few days when my brother offered to have a law enforcement friend check out the email and cell phone used to text me.

Funny thing is there was never any investment planned for our business which is how I knew my husband was dealing with something bad.

That was just one of the many stories he told her to make him seem poor to try and get rid of her. And he said they never made love (just casual sex a couple of times in beginning). She also never worked with him in our business like she claims.

Her later email also said he was going to fund her education and let her stop working and that he was going to move in with her and her kids. I knew that my husband would never have offered that as he is very close to retirement and has no funds for anything like that esp. if we were divorced. It was very obvious to me that she was telling a pack of lies which made me more open to hearing my husband's side of the story.

Craigslist Whore email(changed to protect identities):
"I know this will be hard to take in, process and keep calm. I am clearing my conscience. FWH and I have been seeing each other for the past 2 years ,making plans for a future together, Though, due to changes in the investing in your business by your relative, Our relationship is changing also. It is ending. I am sure you can forgive him, and move past this, if you do love him. Let the business grow. Fight the urge to ask about the details that will be so hard to hear. ie: how, and where we made love. Was it just the house, the bed, any other property, city1 and city2, etc. Just swallow those down knowing, he is staying there, for the business. His dream. I do wish I was still able to be there, working with him, but it cant be.

I did take the high road and never contact this psycho bitch after my intial text to stop contacting me and stay away from my husband. But it was hard and I have a lot of anger and hatred towards her which I was unable to express.

I just wish my husband had had the courage to tell me himself when he wanted out in the beginning instead of thinking he could control and out manipulate a psycho bitch like her.

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:06 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39570
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 25th (Thursday)

Caught, all three times, via text messages on his cell phone. The first two times I discovered totally by accident when a message came through at an inopportune time for him. The third time I had a gut feeling and looked into his text history. His MO was to deny and minimize everything, until this last time. This last time I think he really thought I was done, and he confessed to a lot of things with the previous OW that I never would have found out, so I am hoping I finally know everything now. It's really, really hard to trust that though, knowing he went on hiding a lot of these things for years.

Me: BS, Him: WH, 3 kids
8/08: EA with former neighbor
1/13: EA/Sexting with Coworker #1
6/13: Sexting with Coworker #2

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 60