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Reconciliation
User Topic: How would you respond?
Emotionalhell
Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

My wayward fiancÚ & I were having a conversation about his affair . He mentioned that I am just insecure.. I told him trust had been broken & was hurt.... How can I make him understand ?? Wish I'd thought of a better response.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Welcome to SI. I am sorry you are here. There is tons of information and support here.

The Healing Library is a great place to start. There are FAQs for the WS(wayward spouse) and the BS(betrayed spouse).

In the wayward forum there is a thread called "Things every WS needs to know.". That would be great for you to print out for him.

In the Just Found Out forum there are a few threads that would be good for you to read.
Tactical Primer
Before you say Reconcile
A Great Post for Newbies

There are a lot of them but these are great places to start. Read here post here ask questions here.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2631 | Registered: Aug 2012
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Ummmm. What a horrible thing for him to say! Of course you are insecure! He has betrayed you! How does he think he would feel if you had cheated on him????

He does not sound remorseful at all.

Get this book for him to read: "How to help your spouse heal from your affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7099 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Welcome to SI. So sorry for what you are going through.

He mentioned that I am just insecure...I told him trust had been broken & was hurt....How can I make him understand ??

That is an odd thing to say to someone that was recently betrayed. What was the context for the remark? Was it just in general, or in reference to him hurting you? If it was the latter, perhaps your fiancÚ does not believe infidelity is wrong. There are a lot of people these days that see nothing wrong with having sex outside of marriage.

Before getting married, you may want to have a heart to heart with your fiancÚ to get his views on fidelity to make sure they align with yours. If they don't, you may want to reconsider the marriage. It's difficult to change someone's core beliefs and values. Your fiancÚs lack of remorse, and compassion for your pain, sound troubling.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

You probably ARE feeling insecure, he probably isn't 100% off on that.

However, the reason why there are insecurities is because he broke trust.

I think this is something he is either going to get, or he won't. There seems to be two camps here...those who get it, and those who don't get it. Blaming you for feeling insecure, and refusing to address why is rug sweeping. It's not okay, and it doesn't sound like R to me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Emotionalhell
Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I appreciate everyone's reply. I feel like his response was a way of taking any responsibility off himself. Guess he will never see how his actions hurt me & I wonder about his idea of infidelity.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I feel like his response was a way of taking any responsibility off himself.

Stop and look at what you wrote! What does that say about him...affair or otherwise? He is telling you who he is. I'm not judging his actions, just pointing out why he has little compassion for what you are going through. You asked why, and now you have your answer. To have true remorse and compassion would mean accepting responsibility for the damage he caused, taking action to mitigate the suffering he caused you, and reassuring you it would never happen again. Admitting blame for causing someone else's pain is difficult for some. However, those with strong character will take responsibility and try to make things right.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:05 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 7