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Just Found Out
User Topic: I don't think it has set in yet.
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)


Here's my story.

Started dating my highschool sweetheart in grade 11 at age17 or 18.
I had that feeling she was the 1 early on. I was a virgin she was not and just out
of a bad relationship. we were sexually active early on and she took my virginity
within a couple of months. After about 2 years dating through highschool she graduated before
me and went to college, we both wanted to continue a relationship even though she was about
3 driving hours away. After a few months of college , I started having a hard time to reach
her and her college roomates were having to scramble to find her in their dorm building.
I questioned her, but she mentioned she was with her best friend in another apt doing homework.
I continued to question her even weeks later since I felt something wasn't right !.
She ended up confessing she had a crush on a guy. I asked if it was anything else and she said NO.
During this time I saw her at least every second weekend and talked almost every night.
Fast foward - about 6 years later I asked her to marry me and we did get married. We have now been
married almost 12 years and I have been head over heels for her most of all OUR YEARS. Although I have
asked her many times about that "crush" since. There was another guy who "stalked" her for a while which
she tried to hide a few years before marriage. We now have 2 kids .. 4 and 7.. Recently I was bugging her about her
college crush and she noted they only fooled around. She had never previously mentioned that, I didn't even think
they had kissed.. after interagation she admitted to giving him BJ and then stopping him after he reached for a condom,
saying she didn't want him inside her. I pondered over this for a week or 2 and realized that situation is
very unusual as most cannot stop after going this far. I stated we should go for a polygraph test and
she immediatly got defensive, about an hour later she admitted having intercourse. Gave me all the details
I wanted and that it only happened 1 time. She met this guy at college he was nice to her , they would meet
at dorm parties he would sweet talk her, first was a kiss then dancing and finally they went all the way.
She is stating this developed over a month or 2 and she stopped it after visiting me the weekend after it happened.
I have always told her that she is way outta my league.. She is truly gorgeous.. The situation in the last month or 2 is this.
I have just been through a dark depression and am starting to feel better and our relationship has really GOTTEN strong.
I realized after starting to feel better she has been reglected for a while and have been showing her..
That was before she dropped the bomb though. She has mentioned she thinks I need help with this and we should go to MC.
I don't think I have any interested in that.. I don't want to hear what her thoughts are to the MC..
She is telling me now , that its 16 years AGO and we have a great marriage and not to throw it away. I feel she
does not want me to go and that she loves me and wants this to work.

My issues are this.

#1 - I'm not sure if I beleive all she is saying , since she lied for so long. And maybe blind with love.
#2 - I feel I LOVED her and maybe she didn't feel the same way about me
#3 - I had my chances to cheat like most, and told women interested in me that I'm IN LOVE..
#4 - I am very hurt and cannot get the thoughts of this unknown man laying on my FLOWER outta my head
#5 - I blame myself for not visiting enough , not seeing the signs and not showing her I love her enough
#6 - I don't understand and she cannot explain WHY.
#7 - She claims she tried to tell me and could not to protect me.
#9 - How will I know the truth ?
#10- I LOVE HER still more than ever..
#11- I always wished I knew the truth , but now am not so sure since it HURTS SO MUCH..

when I have free time on my hands , I go over this romance , I weep and begin shaking..
For the first couple days , I could not even look at her, I am afraid I won't be able to be intimate with
her ever again. Our sex life has always been good.

WHY DO I LOVE HER MORE THAN EVER ? I WANT TO HATE HER.

Where do I go from here ?



Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I think you should try your best to let this go. You guys were very young then, not married. If you feel she has been faithful all these years and is happily married to you, then can you try to understand that this has nothing to do with your marriage now? I realize you feel betrayed but have you felt like that since you've married? Has she ever given you a reason to feel as if she is not being faithful to you now, or not truthful in any way?

You are not the person you were in your late teens, nor is she. If you do have trouble getting over this, I would suggest you go to counseling - alone.

Good luck to you.


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

I appreciate your point of view..
And I will try and move past..but I don't know if it really matter if we were married or not.. We have always been in a committed relationship to each other

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
unwound
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Mathews, I think there is a good chance she is being honest. Don't throw away your family. Give it some time. Your kids deserve for you two to try to make a go of it. She feels like it is ancient history. 16 years ago, you were just kids. You need to try to gently explain that for you the moment you found out is the moment it happened. If she wants to work it out tell her what that includes. Total honesty about this other guy. Answering your questions (if you want to know) even if you ask the same thing over and over and over. Building trust. That could include a lot of things but access to cell phone, e-mail, social media, etc. is a good start. If she thinks it is absurd that should make it all the easier for her to comply. I think if you approach this gently instead of attacking her you will at the very least get some honest answers. And btw who won her heart in the end and has two wonderful children?!! I think she loves you.


Me-35
WW-35
HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
DS-15
DD-11
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 22nd (Monday)

Thanks unwound..
She has been really compliant.
And I know she still loves me and can see the pain in her eyes as well. She is hurt because I won't have sex or sleep in her bed. No sex is really out of character for me.. And could take a while

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
unwound
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

There is no reason to rush anything. Take it slow and try to stay calm when you talk to her so she HEARS you. You want her to hear your heart, right? So communicate and don't come across as a pissed off asshole (I don't know you just saying...). Remember to her this is ancient history. She tried to bury her guilt in the layers of time. Mathews I am curious, have you kept ANY secrets from your wife? Even a small secret? Ever looked at porn and not told her? Try to think of some little guilty secret you have and I think it might help you see the shame she has.


Me-35
WW-35
HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
DS-15
DD-11
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
unwound
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Mathews I sent you a private message.


Me-35
WW-35
HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
DS-15
DD-11
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I think she is still Trickle Truthing you. She lied to you for this long and she told you about one time sex when you asked her for a polygraph. Why? She may be afraid of finding the full extent of her A so she gave you what she think you will believe and she know you wont believe anything less than at least a one time sex.

It may have happened 16yrs ago but its new to you, take your time to process this betrayel. She had 16yrs for it.

Ask her to prove her story by a polygraph. There is a chance that you may get more truth, if she agrees for it dont back off, do it, it may give you peace of mind or truth.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
hotcoffee
Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Mathews, do you suspect her of cheating now? Is this all about that incident in college or is there something else bothering you right now? Because I agree with the others that letting go of that 16-year old college indiscretion is good advice.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Thanks all !.
I have no reason and DO believe she has been faithful since, but I still look at her and believe she was never the person to do that in the first place.. Am I crazy to want to know everything ? Even if there was another time ? I somewhat feel like I should bury my head, but realize that will eat at me forever. She was/is the kind of girl that everywhere we go MEN stare, even to the point where If we are in a bar and I go for a drink or to the bathroom, they will approach her. It has always been this way and since I had to much faith in her, it never really bothered me ! Now it make's me aggressive.

[This message edited by Mathews at 9:47 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Mathews,

Like the others I don't think this is something to throw your marriage away over. However, I agree with your W. This is bothering you. It is something that needs to be worked out. You should seriously consider MC. This could help you to answer some of the questions or concerns that you talked about here. There is nothing wrong with seeing a T. Most of the people on this site has and I would if finances were better.

Good Luck Mathews


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

I was dating my husband and had a one night stand before we were engaged. He cheated I posted on here if I should tell him then. Twenty years had passed and everyone said to just let it go.
You have every right to be upset but something that happened that long ago shouldn't effect your marraige now unless you feel she is cheating now.
Let yourself go through the emotions and the.ove your wife.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1463 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Deanna.

She was just by my work for lunch and my current concern is not that she is cheating now.. I don't think she is.
Its that , more has happened either before we got married or since we got married that she won't fess up to ! Maybe I am just paranoid now, but my spider senses are tingling !


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Mathew...

Sorry you are here. The actual time when it happened is irrelevant. To you, it must feel as it happened on Dday.

My advice to you is to stop and make the point of the situation.

Yes, 16 years and 2 kids are of course a major factor. However, 16 years and 2 kids are not an automatic solution of the problem. You need to ask yourself, honestly, what do you need to achieve the piece of mind that you know everything you need to know to start reconciling or processing the situation.

1. Need to know that you know everything about what happen with that specific situation.
2. Need to know that that situation is the only instance pre and post marriage.

If you think you need a polygraph, then tell her that that is what you need. Period. Not negotiable. You don't need to be "mean" about it, just state that that is what you need to start moving forward. If she is remorseful and understands, she will come your way. Don't let her play the "trust" card, or that your relationship will be affected if she feels compelled to take a polygraph. Or worse, feeling guilty that you neglected her etc. etc. Her actions, cheating and concealing for 16 years, created this legitimate doubt in you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

She should welcome the opportunity to help you put this behind you. Period.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 5:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
unwound
New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)

Frankier is right.


Me-35
WW-35
HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
DS-15
DD-11
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)

We have gone over this , for the last 4-5 nights. She seems genuinely sorry and is very clingy, Its not so easy for me and am still withholding SEX. Gotta be a record number of days for us.
She has answered my other questions regarding this situation and swears this was her 1 and only mistake. I believe her , but deep down am afraid she is still hiding. I really don't want to use polygraph option , even though she has accepted the offer,she is stating it won't cure my worries.
Thanks all for listening

[This message edited by Mathews at 9:59 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 25th (Thursday)

Just bumping this to the top for other opinions. I think of this every morning when I wake up and every night before bed. The visuals gotta be the worst !

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Mathews... there may be other opinions, but what is that you need?


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
Mathews
New Member
Member # 39900
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Just to update this a little. My wife and I have talked about this a lot lately. I have given this a lot of thought and DON'T plan on leaving her (never did) and believe she has been faithful since that happened.
I have come up with some date's and know these are true. This happened shortly after her 18th birthday and we are both now 37. This makes this 20 years ago this fall. I just don't understand why this is bothering me so much, other than the fact that I love her sooo dearly. I understand why she didn't tell me , but really wish see would have come clean then. Should I just work on forgiving and forgetting and why is part of me holding on to this ?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Sad
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

This may have happened 20 years ago, but you just found out, so for you it just happened. Give yourself time to deal. Then you can focus on forgiving. As much as we'd like to, we never forget. Good luck.


**just corrected typos.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:53 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1878 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Hello Mathews

It may have happened 20 years ago, but your just finding out now. Of course it hurts. I think the fact that it was hidden for so many years would bother me too. No one likes to be lied to and you were.

If your wife is willing and offering mc, i would take her up on it.

While its a hurtful thing to learn, it was a long time ago and you state things have been well between the two of you. Take her up on the polygraph too if she is offering.

She seems genuinely eager and willing to help you heal. Those actions speak volumes for your wife. You are a fortunate man.

Its a difficult time now in your marriage, but fortunately for you, with some proper healing, you and wife should be able to move forward together with a stronger bond.

I think it may do well for you to consider the fact that her lying was based in her feeling shamed for the choice she made and not wanting to hurt you.

I'm not excusing her lie, just stating its understandable why she chose to do so. She was truly young when she made this mistake and i imagine as life went on and became more involved, it became more and more difficult to tell you.

I would do my best to forgive and move on.


Posts: 639 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

Bro -

Something very similar happened to me as well. I suffered greatly upon her disclosure although IT happened many years prior - anti depr meds, a shrink, etc. I feel your pain.

Here's the advice I was given and followed; you need to consider IT as a young learning experience for her ... college is all about that. The fact is she chose YOU over him and everyone else - she believes in YOU - she needs YOU.

To pick at that scab, which it is, will only serve to hurt you both. When images of that time long ago surfaces you can push it away - tell it to fuck off - tell it that it is irrelevant - tell it that it has no power over you anymore.

If she is a good wife and a good mother then all is good now. You gotta bury that episode of her life b/c why try to create meaning of something that is meaningless?

I got past it, you can too - I promise.


Posts: 1973 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 2nd (Friday)

While I agree with others that Mathews and his FWW will work this out I disagree that this is just a Ďscabí. It is a full blown wound since he just learned it.

I also disagree with Deanna - if you read SI you will see that most consider all the years that you donít disclose an affair as part of the affair or at least tainted. It is unfair for the BS.

There is a lot of minimizing going on in this thread. I did a lot of stupid things when I was young but I never did anything against my core values. And fidelity is one of them.

This subject is particularly close to home to me since itís been so many years for me. For instance, I can see now that my FWW wants to stay with me. Iím successful, a good father and provider. At the time I was in grad school and she betrayed me with someone older and in a better position in life. This bothered me for years and it is still in the back of my mind. What will happen if I have an accident or something that makes me less able to provide? How many BHs show up here in SI that had life altering circumstances and the wife quickly jumped ship? Will my FWW stay by my side if that happens to me? I donít know, I hope so.

In short, it doesnít matter it was 20 years ago. You just learned it now. And you have to process it like any other A here in SI. Good luck for you both, at least I have a lot of hope for your relationship based on what you told us.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Topic Posts: 23