|Just Found Out|
Topic: Does the internal battle ever end???
Member # 39853
| Posted: 8:46 AM, July 21st (Sunday)|
Everyday I read different post and I guess somewhere I think I'll find some magic answer hiding. My wife had a A with a "family friend aka my daughter's Aunt no blood relation" being that she was as close to my 3 year old and my family was the very worst blow. She was married and 13years my senior and straight. Just a really good screw your head up kinda thing all the way around, I found out some April 22, 2013 and the basic story May 28th 2013. By the OW...to put that very nicely. June 4th we tried a very too soon R, epic failure. Lasted 18 days, we began really talking again in July and are working towards a R now. My wife is 9 years older then me and we have a 3 year old. We will see each other again for the first time since June 22nd in 3 days. I'm very nervous, I'm excited yes but I'm scared that everything will surface and I don't have any coping skills and she doesn't know what to do with me past a certain point. I would like to get through this weekend without the shit playing in my head. This site has helped me understand that I'm not the only one, because you feel that way. I have never been an insecure person and in no way should feel that way be because of either of these two people. My wife I know is because she's the one woman in my life that I've truly ever loved and wanted to be in a committed relationship with, so I feel she took advantage of the love I gave and betrayed it, the whore on the other hand no. She was there and pacifying the moment and was easy that doesn't make me insecure but sick. I know that things take time to work out, I guess I just want to know how you can work through some of your doubts and questions
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: From Fl.
Member # 35812
| Posted: 12:46 PM, July 21st (Sunday)|
Hey there. Welcome. I''m glad that you''re reading some of the posts. Have you also read The Healing Library (in the upper left corner, in the yellow box)? And any of the posts that have bulls-eyes next to them? They can give you some good advice by people who have actually been through this. The Before You Say Reconcile post would be a good one for you, I think.
And I hope that your username doesn''t reflect what you think happened between your WW and the OW a mistake. Mistakes are what happens when you forget to put the milk in the refrigerator and it sits out on the counter all night. What your WW made wasn''t a mistake, it was a DECISION. She decided to do it. It wasn''t an oopsie, carried away by the passion of the moment, etc., it was a decision that she made. Don''t let her or anyone else minimize that fact.
It''s a bit slow here on the weekend, so please don''t feel as if you''re being ignored. Things pick up on Monday morning. We are all here to help support you. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38660
| Posted: 7:52 AM, July 22nd (Monday)|
Welcome mistake2,so very sorry you are here.
As always,excellent words of wisdom from Skan. Keep posting here and these wonderful folks will give you solid advice based on collective experience.
You will get through this.
"Never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill
Posts: 138 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 18158
| Posted: 1:20 PM, July 22nd (Monday)|
The doubts and questions took quite awhile to work out for me. I think I needed to get to a stable place physically, meaning my H had agreed to R, he was being transparent and supportive consistantly for several months enough that I felt like he wasn't lying to me anymore. That took several months, I'd say at least six after we made it thru all the trickle truth and fog. Once I had some stability there I was able to work on the insecurities he had created in me, not just about my appearance but was I a bad wife? was I stupid for not seeing it sooner? should I have known he was capable of this while we were dating, even about my belief system, if you are a good person people won't treat you badly! That was out the window!
So I had to sort that all out, I had to figure out how to cope with mind movies and triggers and I had to figure out how to deal with anger. So yes you can do all those things but it's going to take time and a lot of work. I worked privately with a therapist that whole second year just to get my head back on straight!
For a bit of beginning guidance to hopefully help you with your visit. I would recommend writing in a journal everyday. Write like you are talking to her, scream, curse whatever you need and then go thru the journal and pinpoint what issues keep coming up. It's easy to express our hurt as anger when we are in front of our WS's and typically that won't get you a response that is helpful ( they'll be defensive or angry usually ) when you go thru your journal after a few days you'll see some patterns and you can maybe formulate a way to express the persistant issue to your wife in a way that is clear and calm. I recommend thinking about what you want from your wife before you speak, if you need comfort be clear about that. Sometimes I would want my H to hold me and apologize and I'd lash out in anger "how could you do this, what is wrong with you" obviously, that didn't lead to a hug but if I said "i'm hurting right now and i need you to support me" he did, everytime. In true R your spouse want's you to heal they might not know how to fix it but they will do whatever you need them to do if you ask so keep that in mind, they don't know what you need.
I hope that helps a little. It's a long process and you just have to deal with it one piece at a time. find an ic, read all the books and talk productively with your spouse.
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"
Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
Member # 39853
| Posted: 1:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)|
Thank you for the info. and advice it is sooo very much needed and appreciated. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. The triggers are one of the worse things. This site has helped in so many ways in understanding things, that I couldn't even begin to comprehend on my own. Thank you
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: From Fl.
|Topic Posts: 5|| |