Just Found Out
User Topic: What should I do?
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I have been happily married for 27 years and we went through school together. I have been "lurking" here for a while, perhaps it was a safety net? Not sure if I should post or not. However, after a lot of suspicion I have nowhere else to go. My beautiful wife seems to have lost her way in life and has been secretly seeing an older man. We have both known him socially as an acquaintance through various sporting and social activities for over 20 years. He always seemed a bit of a vagabond who always made a play for my beautiful wife although it seemed as though she wasn't interested now it would appear that he has got to her. I am devastated that she has been taken in by him. She is beautiful and looks much younger than her years (52)
She is a professional and has always been very successful and career minded. We have no children due to her choice
I give her everything she wants, however, now it would seem that it is not enough. What am I to do?

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 15th (Monday)


I am so sorry for your pain. I am glad you are here. There are many people who will be able to give you advice here.

First thing you should do, if you haven't already and have enough evidence, is confront her. Ask her what she wants from your marriage. I she wants R then you can work from there.

It sounds like you love her very much and I can feel your pain through your post. I don't know why our spouses want to inflict so much to on us or if they even think about the hurt they inflict until they come face to face with it. But, I hope you can find some pace here with people who have experienced the same hurt.

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Devestated1612. Welcome. I know that this is not a group that you ever wanted to join, but I am so glad that you found us for support. We are all here to help you.

First off, please look in the upper left corner for a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Read it. Also read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye on it. Those are all great articles written by people who have stood in your shoes. Please take the advice to heart.

I would also suggest that you go to this link which is in the I Can Relate forum and is specifically for betrayed men. There are a lot of guys there that can and will help you. They shoot straight and are a great bunch.

Please. Start reading. Come back often for support. We''re all here for you.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 15th (Monday)

First off, the folks here will give you sound advice much better than I can.

I will tell you something that I learned the hard way and hopefully it will help you in your journey.

You CAN'T "nice" a wandering spouse back into their right mind. Taking that path will only cause you pain and misery. Telling her you love her more and catering to her only prolongs the pain. She will see you as weak and it will diminish you in her eyes.

I took that path and would do just about anything to go back and hand her divorce papers the day I confronted. My life would have been so much easier. I wanted to be married more than anything but it would have shortcut all the BS.

Forget what you knew about your wife for a while. She will be like a "pod" person living in your wife's body. You can get past this but it takes a LONG time.

I wish you all the best.

ETA; For the record, I am still married. It was just a BRUTAL year to get to this point.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 1:36 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I do love my wife very much and I am in a bit of a daze about it all and would do anything to win her back. Having said that she hasn't left me although she seems intent on continuing to see this other older man. I don't want to upset her as I am worried that she will leave me for him. I would do anything to have her back exclusively. She has never done this before and I wonder if it is some kind of mid life crisis which will pass

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 15th (Monday)

This may be a horrible thing to read, devastated (and I'm so SO sorry you're going through this) but I think perhaps it would do you, just you, a world of good to cut the cord with your wife. File for divorce and take her to the cleaners. Don't be cruel, but be cold and ruthless. Take care of YOURSELF. She certainly doesn't seem to give a shit.

I wish you better times, friend.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I don't want to upset her as I am worried that she will leave me for him.

I am so sorry, but the only thing worse than losing your spouse to another person is having to SHARE your spouse with someone else. We know that you love her, we know that you can't believe this has happened, we know you want to save your marriage. The only way to save it now is to be prepared to let it go. Go see your attorney, get the papers started. You did nothing to deserve this. So nothing nice you do will make a difference.

Please read up in the Healing Library, things like using the 180 and What I Wish I had done different.

You want to know what I would have done differently? As soon as I found out, I would have taken my child and left. I would have served him with divorce papers. I would have called the whore's parents, siblings, adult children and her boss and outed the affair. Instead I held on tight, I asked him to stop seeing her but didn't really force it. I let him see me cry. I got myself a DD#2 after that. Unremorseful waywards only care about themselves.

You have more control then you think. You just have to use it.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Devastated are you noticing a pattern?

If you are willing to do anything to save your marriage then file. What makes you think the other man wants her full time? What incentive does she have to stop seeing him, because you asked nicely?

Filing short cuts the process. Some tough decisions will have to be made by her and them. If she leaves she was going to anyway. Sorry to be harsh because I know how bad you are hurting. Take back your power.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thank you all for the advice. I note that you say tell her family, I am reluctant to do this as her parents are elderly and friendly with my family. I am also very close to her family we have all grown up together and I feel that to do so would mean that I would loss more than my wife who I dont want to lose. If it came to the crunch I dont know if he would want her full time he just came out of a long term relationship and I think that being with my wife is a bit of an ego trip for him more thant anything else. I just cant bring myself to give her an ultimatum for the fear of losing her altogether.

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I am going to try to be gentle here, but it is still going to come across as a little harsh. I apologize for this.

You keep saying that you are afraid to lose her.

She is already gone.

She has broken her vows to you and your happy 27 years of marriage are gone.

You can't nice her out of this. Believe me, I have been on this site for almost two years, and have never seen anyone "nice" their marriage back. If you want to save your relationship and start a new marriage, you need to be willing to let go of the old one. Trust me, it's already gone.

The quickest way to blow up an affair is exposure. That means telling her family. I get that you are afraid of losing them, but she's having an affair man. Don't you think all the parents are going to find out when your marriage ends? Cause, more likely than not, she isn't going to pull her head out of her ass on her own.

Listen to the people on this board, the majority of them have seen this all play out before. Check out the Betrayed Men forum in "I Can Relate" Those are some sharp guys down there, many who sounded exactly like you do at the start of this horrible journey.

I am in a bit of a daze about it all and would do anything to win her back.

You can't nice her back. And FYI, you are the faithful spouse, you are the prize, not the person who isn't strong enough to keep their vows and integrity.

If you are really willing to do anything to save this, then listen to the advice on these boards. And then follow that advice. You'll notice that not a single person on here will say "change for her" or "nice her back"

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I agree with wonderboy.
The marriage you had is gone.

Shine a light on this affair.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)

wonderboy has it right. I know it's agony to hear, but it is the truth.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Often said on here, "The person that cares least about the marriage has all of the power." Right now that is her. I know it is counterintuitive but you are gonna have to crack some eggs if you want to get control of this. Blindside her and tell her that you have decided that you aren't going to be the third person in a marriage. Shock and awe.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

One thing that shocked me was the consistency of the behavior of cheaters. The story of EVERYONE here is almost identical.

It's like we have all seen this movie before. We KNOW what is going to happen.

That is why all of our advice is the same.

You will eventually have enough. The day will come when you won't put up with it anymore. That day will come after you have endured unspeakable pain. You will realize you deserve better and adopt a,scorched earth policy. On that day your WW will start to come around.

There are a few possible outcomes to all of this.

1. You continue on letting another man have your wife in silence. The OM is Happy, Your wife is happy and if you can come to terms with this, you may be happy too.

2. You continue letting this go on in silence until your wife decides she is tired of the OM and moves on to another OM. She has you at home so that's her "safe place" and she counts on you to provide that to her.

3. Your wife decides to leave you for the other man.

4. You decide that neither of the first two choices are acceptable and you take action.

If she is going to leave you she is going to leave you no matter what. You feeling that this is in some way your fault is only helping her. You are counting on the fact that the person that you are involved with currently is the person you married. Let me tell you and hear me well, that person has "checked out". That person has been replaced with one of the most vile people that you have ever met. She is just wearing your wife's body.

I married the warmest most wonderful woman in the world. She is different than any person I had ever met. She became the vilest, nastiest, most manipulative person I had ever seen. It was shocking. All of that went on until I said "Sorry I don't want to do this anymore. If you want to do this I am divorcing you, but remember this was YOUR choice not mine. Things changed that day. We still have our ups and downs but nothing happened until I quit being nice.

In my situation my wife was involved with a married man. I wanted to save his wife the pain of knowing. After a while I wanted him to have some of the fun I was. I called his wife. The OM threw my wife under the bus with such force it was amusing...

I am sure everyone here could tell a similar story.

Good luck, this hurts worse than anything I could ever dream of and takes years to truly get over.

There is one more thing I have to add. You chose to give up having kids for her. As a man I KNOW how huge that is. She wrote you a check that you were supposed to cash now and she tore it up. In other words you gave up having kids to live a life with her.

As far as I am concerned she deprived your future from you. She OWES you bigtime.

If you don't want to "go nuclear" try this. Tonight take your pillow and go sleep somewhere other than your bed. See what the response is, I believe you will be shocked.

When you start to pull away she will cling to you. Mark my words.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 7:47 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
New Member
Member # 39829
Frustrated  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Damaged 71 when I read your post it made so much sense and can relate to what you are saying
I married the warmest most wonderful woman in the world.

Previously the communication between us was totally open and honest now I feel I cannot trust anything she says. How can this happen? It seems as though she has completely changed. I really don't want to lose her and want to get back the woman I married and not the woman she is now. I am seriously considering your tactics part of me is keen to try anything to get her back and another part of me is afraid I will make her think I no longer care

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Devastated, for me, I never said I didn't care about her. I actually told my wife on day one and continued to do so up until last night that "she was my one and only and there will never be another". I meant that then and I mean it now. I married for life, my vows were true.

That being said, there are some things I won't stand for. Sharing my wife with someone else is one of those things. Someone wrote that on here and it hit home. Being divorced is by far not the worst thing that can happen. Being in a marriage where your wife isn't yours is.

I would much rather be alone than be in that situation. I quite simply am worth more than I was being offered in that situation. At first I was just desperate to stay married. I was clinging to it like a life raft trying to do anything to "fix" things. Turns out I didn't break them to begin with. It wasn't my fault and nothing I could do could fix it. The best thing I could do was walk away from the mess.

I said earlier that I wish I would have handed over divorce papers on day one. Here is the reason. She would have called Mr. Wonderful and said "we can be together, I am free". He would have promptly said "sorry I am married". The illusion that they had a future together would have died on D-day. I chose not to do that and paid a very heavy price for trying to be a nice guy.

It's kind of like dealing with someone with an addiction problem. You aren't going to be able to use reasoning or logic or anything. It just won't work. This is so much bigger than you realize right now. It involves retroactive self-brainwashing, it's really amazing.

Once I decided that I wasn't willing to "play second fiddle" and asserted myself things changed.

If you read back through these pages you will find time after time the folks on here telling folks what to expect. Without fail they are correct. It's uncanny. The level of detail with which the people on this board can predict the actions of others really is statistically impossible. Unless cheaters follow the same script. Incredibly they all do. Once I learned this I told my wife and started laughing. It's so trite.

So I ask that you take my advice and take your pillow and sleep in the other room. When she request why you are doing it just tell her "I don't want to share you, I'd rather sleep alone". First she will say you are being ridiculous and you need to come back to bed. Keep walking. She will freak out after a short while and try to join you. Resist, and the moment you do will be the moment things start to change.

You will introduce doubt about her situation in her mind. Things won't be so clear anymore for her.

Good luck. I know how bad this hurts.

I had to add this after re-reading your post. My wife is a stay at home Mom with enough money to do whatever she wants and all the time in the world. She has everything she ever wanted and every spare moment of my time is spent with her. She wanted for nothing and this happened. It's not you... you must know this.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 2:51 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Just to clarify: You do know for a fact that she is sleeping with this man, right? And you have confronted her? If so, what was her initial response as well as her current attitude towards her A and towards you?

More importantly, and I think you need to hear this more than any poster I've seen here in a long need to afford yourself some relf-respect. It's cringe worthy how emasculated you sound in your posts. You can't let another human being do this to you. I know it's easier said than done, but seriously re-read your posts. Might as well be on your hands and knees grasping at her shoe laces in the dirt.

You probably won't take this in right now (and maybe ever), but you won't get to where you want to be acting like this. Your brain is moving at 100 mph right now and is swamped with thoughts about "winning" her back. You need to slow your roll a bit and refocus yourself. Take in what the people here are gonna tell you. I know you're gonna disagree with a lot of it, but if anyone ever needed to take a leap of faith so to speak, it's you.

You're old wife is gone, man. The sooner you realize this and also realize you need to focus on your own healing so that you can make smart decisions, the better. When you feel that you can make smart, concise and powerful decisions, then you can decide what you want to do with your wife, if she has even made it clear she wants to work on the marriage.

But if you go head first into desperately tying to keep a part of her (cause you don't have all of her) before taking care of yourself, she's gonna walk all over you and you're never gonna get what you want out of this. She's more likely to roll her eyes at your attempts than take you seriously.

Anyways, I hope you really try to find ways to improve your self respect first and foremost.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Devastated, listen very carefully to the REAL story I am about to tell you. I know ALL the players in this story as they are all my family members.

A relative of mine, we'll call him Guy, is married to a woman who is straying, we'll call her Broad. So Guy and Broad were married for about 15 years or so. They have a few kids, own a home, live the American dream. I also have another relative, we'll call him Scum. He's freshly off of a divorce at the time this situation happened, but he's been Scum since he was a youth.

So Guy and Broad had tried to help Scum through his divorce pains. Guy did more of the communicating than Broad did though. Guy was blind sided one day when Broad moved out for some "space". Just a few days later, Guy finds out Broad had been dating Scum for some time at that point... probably before Scum even left his wife.

Guy listens to his preacher who tells him to show his wife love and "win her back". Guy listens to his wife talk about her life, her troubles, her problems with bills. Guy bends over and takes it. Guy gives Broad money for her bills to help her out and show her his love, he brings her dinner when she claims to have no money for food, he lets her visit the kids whenever she feels the urge to, etc. etc. etc. He takes her to nice places for dates, and posts loving messages for her on his Facebook page... even though she has unfriended him by this point.

Several months later, Broad moves back home because she simply couldn't afford her place alone anymore, and she didn't want to move in with Scum. Why? Well, because she was also sleeping with ANOTHER guy at the same time. Having Scum living with her would ruin her affair that she was having on HIM at the time. But living with Guy, she knew she would still be able to come and go as she pleased and treat him like dirt because he has been accepting of that for many months already at this time. So she moves back home, but lives in another room and refuses to share a room with Guy. Guy carries on, letting his wife treat him like dirt and loving her the whole time. She continues to leave the house for EVERY weekend, spending each weekend with another new guy (we're up to 3 OM now at this point in case you lost track).

Several months go by like this. The kids are confused, angry, and sad. Broad decides that the kids are cramping her style, so she moves out again. She cleans the house out while Guy is out of town for a short while. She has moved in with yet ANOTHER guy (4th). She continues to string Guy along so she can get money from him whenever she wants it, and she can also count on him to do whatever she wants because she knows he still holds out hope that they'll be together again someday.

It's been over 2 years now, she's been having sex with several other guys (never Guy though), taking Guy's money, using and abusing him for whatever her selfish desires are, and tossing him aside when her boyfriends call. She never responds with love to him, never says she loves him at all, never even treats him nicely. She uses him to take her places that the other guys can't because their wives will find out. And yet he still holds out hope.

Honestly, it's incredibly sad and pathetic to see him accept this treatment from her. He doesn't look like a strong guy waiting for his wife to come back, he looks like a weakling who can't fathom a life without the woman who is hell bent on destroying him. His preacher has even finally told him that she won't come back, but he still shouldn't initiate the divorce.

This is a cautionary tale.... you can NOT love a cheater back. You simply can't. The only way the WW will come out of this fog she's in is if you take a firm stand, even at the risk of losing her, and mean it. I know it seems very scary, but it's the only way to get rid of this other guy.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
New Member
Member # 38091
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

One thing I learned to say to my WH is "If I divorce you it won't be because I don't love you. I just have to love myself as much and take care of me, too." It seemed to give him food for thought.

I can say that as a lurker for a long time, I knew what others would advise me to do - let go of him and the 'marriage' we had, because it wasn't healthy and he wasn't either. And it was so hard to do. But once I got to that point, it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.

I think you will do something on your own time line, and that's ok. And you'll look back and see that what made the biggest difference was 'letting go' and letting your W know that you are doing so. I also think you'll find that though you won't have the 'old' marriage you can build something even better, if your W is willing, but she won't be willing to do anything until she sees that she's about to lose something that's very good.

Good luck and (((hugs))).

Me=BS (60+)
Him=WS (65)
DDay1 = 6/25/2007, lopsided EA with former hs classmate
DDay? (so many in between as he never really stopped contact or trying to get with her) = 7/7/2013

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)


When you live in fear or with fear you are not living at all.

Stand up, expose her affair to everyone that matters and tell her you consciously have decided not to live with her infidelity.

Then hand her D papers.

The choice is yours.


Posts: 901 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. Doesitgetbetter - your cautionary tale is very interesting, however, in our case it certainly isnít about money. She is successful in her profession and financially independent. I've been thinking about it and I still wonder if it is some kind of mid-life crisis which will pass. I think it is the attention she is enjoying - the realisation that she can still attract another man. Not that she should ever have any reason to doubt that. She has never been short of admirers and up until now has always taken it in her stride and never faultered. Don't know what it is about this one he doesn't seem anything special although he is a bit of a charmer! I am hoping that she is perhaps in some way making up for what she didn't do when she was younger. She never played the field as we were together from a young age. I am devastated and living in the hope she will see the light and come back to me - not that she has left me we are still living together and going to bed together - not that there is any action!

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

(((Devastated))) Gently, she has left you.

Please, she doesn't belong on the pedestal you've erected for her. Really, being placed on a pedestal is unfair; it creates expectations no human can meet.

See her for who she is. Love her, certainly---but be honest with yourself.

This is not an excusable belated wild-oats-sowing endeavor. You're MARRIED. Married women don't get to have boyfriends.

She's not special. It's not excusable.

It certainly is forgivable--IF she behaves appropriately upon confrontation.

I understand your fear. It immobilized me for far, far longer than I like to admit.

Permitting that was the greatest mistake of my life. I lost years that ...well. Let's just say that I stare down the barrel of an empty nest, wondering how I will afford anything, do anything, become anything. My resources are tapped, my opportunities are limited, and it's my own fault, because I permitted an unworthy husband to make decisions for me with his disgusting actions for far too long.

Don't be like me. Act now.

It might save your marriage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Devastated- Solus gave you a lot of wisdom in her words I suggest you take heed.

Something that she said triggered a memory for me that I had somehow forgotten.

It was about putting my wife on a pedestal. I was so blinded by the idea of my wife and how perfect she was for me that I had quit looking at the real person and the our reality together. I am positive this is why the betrayed spouse is always the last to know. When they look at the spouse they see the same sunshine and rainbows that they have always seen. Only long after it has become blatantly obvious to anyone willing to notice does the betrayed spouse finally notice. Hell, my mother knew something was wrong before I did. The signs were obvious.

Take a look at the relationship that you currently have. How good is it really? Do you feel that your needs are being met? Probably not. There is a reason for this.


In your post you said this

I am devastated and living in the hope she will see the light and come back to me -

She is looking at someone else's light and it is blinding her. Unless you make a drastic move she will always be blinded. I am sorry but that's how these things play out.

If you don't stand up for yourself it only proves her decision to go to another man to be the right one.

I am sorry this is so harsh but if you saw someone walking toward a cliff you would do everything you could to stop it right? That is what everyone on here is trying to do.

We were the ones that went off the cliff and suffered unbearable pain for it.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
New Member
Member # 39829
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I guess you are right Solus. I have always put her on a pedestal. I cannot imagine any other woman ever being as beautiful as she is or as loving as she was before all this came to light. I keep trying to think about where I have gone wrong and what I could have done differently. She has always had what she wanted in life from me and everyone around her. I just cnat imagine life without her. Although she has broken our marriage vows I still love her very much and I am still reluctant to rock the boat too much as I feel she may walk away completely. At the moment she seems to want her cake and eat it. I am living in the hope that she will grow out of this and perhaps we can pick up the pieces and be happy together again?

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

I keep trying to think about where I have gone wrong and what I could have done differently.

Nothing. Her decision wasn't about you.

I am still reluctant to rock the boat too much as I feel she may walk away completely.

Go back and re-read everything that everyone has posted to you. You can't let her keep driving the bus, she is intent on driving that thing over a cliff, hell she already has, and you keep insisting on letting her get behind the wheel.

I'll say it again, you can't nice her into pulling her head out.

My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.

Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 18th (Thursday)



I have been lurking here and then a member since 2008. I have never once seen a WS wake up one day and decide that they really wanted their BS and it was all a mistake. You cannot nice your WW back into your marriage. The only successful reconciliations I have seen (where a WS is actively still engaged in the A),is when the BS draws a line in the sand and says no more - Choose the marriage or I am done and mean it.

I know you think your situation is different, but trust me after you have read several thousand stories, they all have the same plot and we can tell with high accuracy what your WW will say or do next. They all use the same WS playbook.

I would council you to think about why you are willing to accept a one-way open marriage rather than possible 'lose' her (she is actually already gone). But, before you can salvage this, you need to believe that you are the catch here and that she needs to fight for you. Until that happens, I fear you are in for a lot of hurt and turmoil.

Sending you strength.

BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger

Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Does she know that you know?

Have you spoken with her on the why, the how and what her intentions are?

You can't live your life with your wife being with another person. It will eat you alive.

See if you can get her to realize the hurt and pain she is causing. See if she would be willing to go to IC.

I keep trying to think about where I have gone wrong and what I could have done differently

This isn't about what you did right or wrong. This is her decision, her choice. She has done this. An affair is never about what you aren't getting, it is about what you aren't giving. There is no excuse to cheat. EVER.

Time to confront and figure out the reality of the situation she's place you and your marriage in.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Many hugs and prayers

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 19th (Friday)

Thank you all for your kind words and replies. Although I know all too well what I should do I just can't get her out of my head and need some help on how I can win her back and not push her further away? x

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 19th (Friday)

You didn't push her away .

She needs to WIN YOU back.

Until you see that, she will continue to eat cake as you will continue to serve it. She has absolutely no incentive to do anything different. She has what she has CHOSEN to have. And will continue as long as it is available.

If she has to choose, she can no longer have both.

Close the bakery. Expose the A. Don't make the status quo what she wants anymore. Make her current choices look like what they really are.

[This message edited by JustWow at 5:56 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 19th (Friday)

I don't want to upset her as I am worried that she will leave me for him. I would do anything to have her back exclusively.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Listen, that approach will not work whatsoever. In fact, she will feed off your pain. Your anguish and pain are seen in her twisted view as "guilt" you should be feeling for "pushing" her into this affair. She is doing something she knows very well she would never want anyone to do to her and she wants to absolve herself of any of the guilt and shame that comes with it so she will just project it on to you.

You don't want to upset her? Well, yes, I agree, you should not "upset" this wonderful, compassionate, and thoughtful woman.

No, you should pull the rug from under her fucked up bullshit fantasy. Upset her? No, you should legally keel-haul her via the most aggressive, money-hungry divorce lawyer you can find.

Look, there is NOTHING you can say or do to "nice" her out of this. The only thing that has a remote chance of stopping it is to introduce real, undeniable consequences for what she is doing.

Let your anguish and despair turn to righteous anger but use the anger in a controlled and calculated manner. Become steely, cold, and determined. Nice, simply does not belong here anymore.

File for divorce immediately. Now, that does not mean you are getting divorced. But, you must file for divorce and have her served with the divorce papers - preferably at her place of employment.

Filing for divorce sends strong messages that she cannot project away, delude away, or ignore. It is a hard, cold, and very REAL consequence for her selfish and cruel actions.

Filing for divorce sends the message that you will not tolerate her fucking around. It sends the message that her value to you has plummeted - that will really jolt her. It sends the message that you value yourself far more than her selfish, weak-minded and dishonest bullshit.

It sends the message that you deserve better, and can do better than her and her dysfunctional bullshit - and she will know it too.

Do not cower in the face of this. I know how you feel. Hurt, confused, and debilitated. There IS anger that needs to come forth and stir up strength and aggressiveness.

Believe it or not, your strong response to her juvenile-minded bullshit will actually increase your value in her fucked up eyes. Right now she has devalued you to the point at she doesn't give a shit that she has crushed your heart and hurt you in a way she wouldn't do to her worst enemy. That's why you should take a very strong, proactive, scorched-earth response to it.

My ex-wayward wife was as far gone as it gets. I had given her chances for forgiveness and reconciliation and she just kept up her twisted perpetual honeymoon fantasy with her shitbag adultery partner. It wasn't until she was served with the divorce notification that she ended it and I got the tearful calls and pleas for reconciling, how she still loved me, how she never wanted a divorce, and wanted her family back.

I was too far gone and could never trust her again. We are now divorced and she STILL wants to reconcile.

THAT, is the power of real consequences.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

I am also waaay past the point of reconciliation...It is what happens when this BS goes on for far tooooo loooong...

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 21st (Sunday)


Hello my friend. I am sorry that you need to be here. I am sorry that you have to endure such terrible agony. I know how much it hurts, hell every one here does. Please don't be put off by the fervor of our responses. Having experienced this madness ourselves we all have thoughts about what we should have done. What we wish we had done. If only...

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I/we hear you. I/we understand what you are going through as I/we have been there. Even though nearly everyone here disagrees with the path you are taking that doesn't mean we don't support you. I/we do support you.

You asked what should you do? I would start by reading the Healing Library. You can find it in the top left corner of this page. Good luck and God bless you.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: North Carolina
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 21st (Sunday)


Your story is my story. My STBXWW was the love of my life. She was on the highest pedestal I could find. She had a family, a career, a doting husband.

I begged, pleaded, prostrated myself to win her back. I. Did. Everything.

Love letters.
Therapy for me and her.
Clear devastation of the children.
Explaining to her why it won't work with the OM.
Showing her why I was so much better.
Explaining to her and myself that she's just going through a mid life crisis.
Even telling her I would help her get over the OM! (I want to punch myself for that special bit of emasculating humiliation)

And nothing mattered. All it did was put me through living hell for a year waiting for her to stop until I finally absorbed so much pain from her remorseless (ongoing) infidelity that I am now divorcing that Love of My Life.

Please listen to the people here. Don't be me. File for divorce now. She may or may not come to her senses. If she doesn't, you will have spared yourself more unbearable agony.

Mine is still in her fog. AKA, unfathomable selfishness.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

One word keeps popping up from OP.. HOPE

I Hope this and I Hope that.

Hope will not win your wife back, neither will inaction, especially if she gets to come home every night and has essentially relegated you to a roommate.

You are afraid to do anything because you don't want to lose her..but you already have.

You are afraid not to upset her, yet she continues to walk all over you.

Waiting for her to grow out of this relationship might happen, but maybe she might just move onto another man.

What are your solutions for this?

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Hi Devestated,

Very sorry for your hard times.

I just wanted to say that I too, kind of thought like you at the beginning and I desparately hung on.

But you know, it taught me some lessons that I will carry my entire life.

Some of the lessons have been said by others already on the thread you started.

One that I've dealt with daily is that it cost me almost my whole life to try to hang on to ExH ...strength, devotion, love, whatever the terms of emotions and things I tried to the end, none of it mattered. I'm not saying it will be that way for you and hope it won't be, I guess I just wanted to chime in and say, be careful...or, take care...and don't forget.

One thing I did was to forget. I forgot about myself and child in the midst of trying to save my marriage and almost lost my life because of it...all for a man who I am not even sure is capable of love.

I, too, thought ExH was in a mid life crises and still think that at times, because of how he has changed. There are others who don't believe in them.

I do agree that if you can find the strength to not be her support system, it will show her many things from you.

Also, I've learned from ExH himself that the strongest ammo I've ever used is silence. He notices the longer stretches of silence and he notices what happens that is done without his help or input, right away. The more I would contact him or ask things, trying to hang on, the more it drove him off, apparently.

I've also learned that sometimes during MLC, the person going through it seeks parts of their life totally opposite than what's normal for them. as if they force it for their lives thinking they are missing something. Sometimes, it's said, it takes a tragedy the person re-experiences but doesn't share with us (like here) and they have to go through it their way.

I imagine others will agree with me or not on that, but it's what I've been advised.

That's partly why the most silence you can give is good, because as example, I finally get that I am the enemy, OW the savior and I don't want any part of that.

I don't want it for you, either, or to lose yourself on this journey.
I wish you strength and peace on this journey.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 21st (Sunday)

Are you absolutely sure about the A? Do you have damning evidence?

If yes, know that she will be planning her moves ahead. Don't be left far behind. Play your cards carefully. See a lawyer and know your options. Gather more undeniable evidence.

Once you are confident, then confront. All the best.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 22nd (Monday)


I assure you that unless asked for my opinion this will be my last response in this thread.

I was thinking about your problem for several hours this weekend. I was trying to think of the proper analogy to get across the point that the action that you are or are not taking will only lead to your increased misery.

I think I have figured it out.

Imagine you walk into a ward in a hospital. This ward is full of grievously injured people. Each one of these people were injured performing the exact same task you are about to perform. This particular task consisted of a discrete choice.

Let's say for argument sake that it's a choice between pulling a red or blue handle.

You walk into this ward and ask the question "What should I do". Keep in mind that you are completely surrounded by people that have vast experience and injuries from the choices that have been made in the past when picking between the red or blue handle. Each one of the damaged bodies before you scream in unison to pick the blue one.

But...your favorite color just happens to be red. You like red. It makes you feel better to think about red.

Even though you are faced with overwhelming evidence that comes from the pain and misery of no less than the 20 different people that have responded to you, You are still thinking red is the safe bet.

Do you realize that you can't get 20 people on the internet to agree that the sun is going to come up tomorrow.

Inexplicably each person on here is telling you EXACTLY the same thing.

I wish as I said earlier I would have filed and walked away. The outcome would have been exactly the same. I would still be married. The only difference would be the pain that it would take for me to get to this place.

I said it in another thread, I am a veteran and have seen combat. I have buried a parent after a protracted terminal illness. That was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt through this ordeal.

If you think it can't get worse, just try to be nice to her through all of this. She will absolutely make you pay for your kindness in ways you could never dream of.

Sorry I came across so strongly but you sounded a lot like me. Or rather how I was.

I miss that guy...

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)


Hey, we all understand the fear. We all understand that you are clinging to something that is dead just because you think it could come back to life. And we all understand that rejection sucks and makes us do totally insane things, such as thinking we will win a cheating spouse back.

But at some point, your personal fog will break. You will see the light. Your fear of losing her to the geezer will be surpassed by your anger at the affair and disrespect to the marriage.

Well, until that day comes, I hope you will find a way to cope with the pain.

When the day comes, unfortunately, you will see that you should have taken action a year ago or years ago and that every day you convinced yourself to do nothing because you were okay with being her scraps, and you are GOING TO HATE YOURSELF.

Save yourself the self-hatred and take some action. Any action. Exposure. File for divorce. Something. Anything but sitting on your behind waiting for her to realize just how wonderful you are.

Oh, wait, she won't. She sees you as her #2, a pathetic man who is content with her screwing some old guy because he is too scared to do anything. Sorry that is harsh, but how do you think she sees you??? Do you think accepting her A is attractive in any way to her?

I wish you strength to do what you need to do. Strength to find that inner anger that will make action possible. And strength to realize that doing nothing is actually doing something - it is killing you.

Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 901 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
New Member
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Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday)

"Thanks again for all your support. I am convinced that she is continuing to see him although without stalking her i cannot prove it. I am really concerned as we are attending a local event tomorrow and I am certain he will be there. I don't know how I can even begin to contain myself if we see him and they even acknowledge each other! I want her so much and don't want to share her with this casanova or anyone else. What should I do if we come face to face with him? I really don't think I will be able to contain my wealth and I am not usually like this. I am usually a cool, calm and collected respected character.

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
New Member
Member # 39929
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)

Hi Devastated1612
Please consider the advice given to you by the respondents on this thread. I know it may seem extreme to you but it really is the only way to possibly get thru to your WW.
I read your responses and I can not help but see your gentlemanly and genteel manners. If I can give you an analogy: you remind me of an eighteenth century gentleman lining up to do 20 paces at dawn with your rival: its all so civilised and proper... Unfortunately the rules of engagement here a different. You aren't facing another gentleman ( be that your wife or the OM). You are looking at a bunch of cut throat scurvy pirates with knives and guns. They are already doing battle and hurting you. Playing nicely or by the rules is not going to achieve your aims. You need to confront your wife, expose the affair.
You also need to consider why you want to protect this person who has disrespected you by having an affair with someone else, trashing your marriage vows. This is about recognizing that your wife is not the person you think she is. Its an illusion that you are clinging to.
See her for what she is, what your marriage has become, what she has done to your dignity and self respect: and bloody do something!"

Me 37 BGF
Relationship of two years.

Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

I feel as though I am getting nowhere
I begged, pleaded, prostrated myself to win her back. I Did. Everything.
She continues to see him but still comes home to me. For this I am grateful although always feel as though I am walking on egg shells trying not to upset her incase she stops coming home. It seems to be gett ing worse instead of better

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

That's because nothing is changing, you're stuck in the same place.

I just sent you a PM.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Thank you all so much for your messages I really appreciate them.
I just can't believe this is happening to me. She is the love of my life always has been always will be. I guess you are right I am in denial. I am living in hope that she will get over this mid life crisis and come to her senses.
As for the financial situation, there are no issues there. She is financially independent, wealthy in her own right and also very careful with money. It's not like this situation is making her spend money recklessly and he isn't after her money as he is a successful businessman in so this isn't an issue.

What now?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

Many of these pieces of advice I have done. Some I am still working on, even though I don't always have the courage.

I had to be almost hit on the head with a bat several times to come out of a fog that the shock put me in. I defended, protected, chased, ignored, flattered, overdressed and so much more for a man who was, in his own mind, long gone.

It's been a lesson for me and now even though I suffer withdrawal among other things, I am getting some pride back. I finally manage a hard 180, so much so that he asked recently, "Is your phone broken?"

FWIW, he seems to notice far more my absence than my presence and so I will put up with this pain and keep going.

Although he was the one to leave, I was the one to file, because he is simply too cowardly to face life's realities.

I don't have a lot of advice but am always glad to share the story of my painful journey and will say that you sound a lot like I used to. I walked on pins and needles for a time, thinking if I didn't upset him as often as I could, it would win him back. Nothing did...nothing did.

Now we are fully in the divorce process, each spending money we don't have, each with different versions of our life of 20 years. It's pretty shocking to hear how he's painted our life, twisted it and made every problem-or supposed problem-my fault.

It's amazing to me that I was the one pegged as anxious, yet he is the one who cannot face reality. When I put the foot down, out the door he went.

Yes, I walked on the eggshells you wrote about for a long time and I did things that went against my entire being to try to "save" my family and marriage. It didn't work.

Once he had a taste of "other things", he decided he was done, but not going to tell me. So I sat for an entire year in purgatory and hope this won't be the case for you.

It is a lot of realization that we need to arrive at and some of it we have to decide ourselves-it took getting severely hurt even after, for me to get the message.

I wish you well on this journey, D1612, and hope that things will work out the way you want them to.

Something a friend talked about a lot while I lived in purgatory was respect. She craved respect she felt was lost with what her WH did to their family and I have that feeling, too.

I'm sorry that she is not being respectful of you and will wish that she may come around. The longer she remains with him, though, the longer I would be worried.

Have you tried 180'ing, just to see? I find the longer I do it, the more contact I get sometimes, but as time goes on, I don't want to hear from him. Pretty weird.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)

P.S. I, too, gave up some things that I longed for, to be with Nearly Exh, so I can understand your loss further... but it seemed worth it before he changed on me.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 45