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New Beginnings
User Topic: Any Help is Greatly appreciated
prayingforgrace
Member
Member # 24790
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Hi my friends,
It has been a while since I visited this website. Life, although far from perfect, was getting more balanced. I believe in the tumultuous situation of a marriage ending and trying to begin a new life, balance is a truly positive state to be in.
Anyway, my most wonderful son finally came home from out of state college. He spent a week first with my ex, his father. When he comes home after being with his dad he is a bit...how can I say this...grumpy to me...and highly protective of his dad. This always amazes me but also really hurts my feelings as I never have said one mean word about his dad to him...nor do I even ask him anything about his dad. So it is not like he needs to hide things from me because I am not asking anyway!

So last night he went to see his friend in a near by college town.

That good old maternal gut level feeling kicked in and I really didn't want him to go. But he has just turned 21 so, in reality, although I am his mother, it is his life. He promised me he would be safe and smart. He is a straight A student and has a full academic scholarship. We have often talked about consequences of actions and life changing events.

Long story short...he went and this morning I get a call from him from jail that he was arrested last night for public intoxication.

I jump in my car....make the 90 ride to the jail and after several hours, he is released. He is crying and apologizing. I tell him I am glad he is safe and we will get through this together as we have always gotten through things. He begs me not to tell his dad. Since I have no contact with his dad anyway I agree. Then he asks me if I wanted to know why he drank so much (he really never drinks...that's the truth). He said because this Tuesday the 16th his dad is marrying a girl 26 years his junior (she is a year older than our son) and he is really devastated by this. He wasn't invited to the wedding and he figures they will be divorced in a year or two. What really scares him is his dad really doesn't care about our son anymore now that he has this new plaything and my son figures that once another child is born he (my son) will be totally forgotten. He feels he has lost his father.

So my friends here is my need to talk. Not only am I trying to soothe and comfort my one and only child as he has messed up his own life trying to drowned out his father's continuous bad choices but I am shocked to find out the one and only love of my life (No my friends I would never take my ex back ever but he still was my true love) is marrying a "child" and taking all my hard work and earnings with them.

My ex drove me to bankruptcy while he skips through life, living off of my putting him through school. He has not ever lived up to the divorce decree and I have had to drag him back to court to pay old back support payment that I know I will never receive while he plays legal games to keep me poor.

So why am I so freaked out and devastated.

I knew he'd never apologize or suddenly grow a heart and conscience...but his sweet son. I really do not know how to protect our son from his father. My son seems so desperate to getting the un-get-able...his father's love and recognition.

This will be a very long next few days, as I try to find my son a lawyer and help him get his life back. I just wish he didn't care so much about his dad...I wish I didn't as well.

Please don't judge me. Words of wisdom, would be greatly appreciated along with prayer for my son and me, please.

Thank you for listening,
Praying for Grace


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 15th (Monday)

(((hugs)))

First, don't let your son plead guilty to this charge. Hire a lawyer if you can. If not, he needs to plead for Prayer for Judgment or deferred prosecution.

In this area I know this happens often with first offenders who show lots of promise (scholarship, in school, etc.) sometimes with a court ordered alcohol class or counseling.

I have seen this happen and kids (and their parents) just want it to be over quickly, and they know that "guilty" is the truth. But don't do this please!!

I am sorry for your son's pain. Thankfully, he opened up to you about it. It sounds like a breaking/break through moment.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I agree, find a good lawyer.

Is there anyway to get some counseling for him? Someone he feels safe to talk to? I would think school can offer this, if he is willing to go.

I don't know, this is just my opinion, but keeping information like this from his Dad....doesn't feel quite...right? One, it could be a "wake up call" to him, and two, keeping secrets never seems to be healthy. Just my opinion, of course. You are the one in the situation, none of it is easy trying to deal with "fallout" of their choices.

Hugs to you both.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 15th (Monday)

((((((prayingforgrace)))))


I have a DD who desperately craves her father's approval. It is so hard to watch and be there for them.

I agree this sounds like a breakthrough with your son. It sounds like he needs to talk to someone. It sounds like you also need someone to talk to. These feelings are not going to go away without work on your part or his. It sounds like him talking to you about dad brings you pain, and it probably causes him pain to do that. And vice versa.

I have no contact with my XH.. (He and NW live less than a mile from me, we have 4 DDs, 1DGD) If this were my kid, I would make the arrangements do what was necessary for my kid. Then encourage my kid to tell the father or ask the kid if it was ok for me to tell XH. I would need XH to help pay the legal expenses. And I think it would be a good thing for my kid to see us working together to help our kid.

JMHO

Hugs for you both, and I'll be sending prayers for both of you for strength.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 15th (Monday)

I know this is going to come off as a 2x4, but you son needs to learn better coping mechanisms. What he did was an excuse, not a reason. I hope that you & he can get good legal counsel and he can get help dealing with life, because it's going to smack him in the face from time to time, and this is not the way to handle it.

As for your X, piss on him. I understand that it's a shock when you first hear it, but look at what he's done already; at least he's not your problem any longer.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20227 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Part of being an adult is letting go of the illusions we hold about our parents and being responsible for our actions. Sounds like your ds is getting a heaping helping of both of these. Big huge dose of growing up! Good luck with the legal situation.

Regarding the emotional side of this, It is important that your son know that you will be receptive to his talking about his feelings about his dad. If you are able to hear his feelings and frustrations and anger without sharing your own, (unless it is appropriate to do so)then he has at least one safe place. Let him know that he can talk to you about any of his thoughts or feelings about his dad, and now his fears about his public intoxication charges etc.

And that accepting the consequences part of growing up...he'll be okay...after you do all that you can do, work at letting go of the outcome.

(((prayingforgrace and DS)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
fadedrainbow
Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 15th (Monday)

(((prayingforgrace)))

I feel sad for your son because your XH is still making bad choices that continue to hurt his child. No matter that the dust has settled after D, hearing news like a remarriage is still upsetting, especially given the facts in your story. It sounds like you are able to communicate well with your son. I agree with the others, it may be helpful for your son to get some counselling.
I don't know if you can protect your son from his Dad. He is an adult now and has to make his own choices and will form his own views regarding his Dad. I think you are doing a terrific job in handling a very tough situation. FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Personally, I wouldn't let XH know if DS doesn't want him to. Let DS deal with what he wants to share with his dad.

I also thought info like this would be a "wake up call" to WXH. Nope. He still is completely uninterested and uninvolved in DSs life....even though DS needshim desperately. Our DS has cancer...and still no sign of WXH.

So, support and help your son. It hurts to see our adult kids hurt, but in the end, they have to learn to deal with this shitheap as adults, or at least on their own terms.

I'm so sorry you're both having to go through this.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
prayingforgrace
Member
Member # 24790
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to give you a quick update...found an attorney for my son...so I am hoping all that will go well.
My son and I had a long talk about how to appropriately handle his frustration and grief concerning his father.

And I went to my counselor/therapist to help sort out my feelings and fears for my son and for me.

My therapist said my reaction was very normal concerning his abrupt wedding. Even when you know in your heart that the divorce was the best thing for you and everyone involved...that no matter what I would never want my ex back...the event is shocking and tinged with feelings of sadness, anger and grief. So my reaction is quite normal after all.

But this is what I wanted to share with all of you. My therapist reminded me everything my ex does, including marrying this very young girl and being so evil and cruel to his own son is not about me...it is not about our son either. This is all about him and his inability to face the truth about life and about himself. And the fact he married someone so young is the mark of his true "illness".

That was a wonderful reminder that we need to work on ourselves and let go of everything else. We have no control over others.

I feel so much better tonight. I thank you all for getting me through the last couple of days. Thank you for helping through this whole process. I could never have done it without you.
Take care my friends.

I think someone on this site has a quote that really sums up this entire process of a marriage ending and a new life beginning.

"Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us."
I think I finally took flight!

Thank you
Praying for Grace


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 9