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New Beginnings
User Topic: fed up right now with kids siding with dad
capri
Member
Member # 14940
Angry  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

XH lives 1/2 a mile away. Walking distance. This is great for the kids. I have not minded a very casual back and forth because it's good for the kids. I don't mind that XH brought them home tonight rather than having them on his night--because he had good reasons and it was better for the kids than being left alone tomorrow morning with my 24 year old DS who lives with his dad (he's an underemployed grouch who snaps at the younger kids, he's probably got ADHD and Asperger's, and XH was right to not want the younger kids alone with him when he takes the youngest for his doctor's appointment tomorrow.)

BUT...God forbid, when XH marched in here at 10:30 at night, just burst in on what was otherwise a peaceful, quiet evening, showed up with absolutely no warning, not so much as letting me know, much less asking, stood in my kitchen yelling at the kids and grouching about how he wants his sleep and blah blah blah, I actually SAID, "Stop yelling."

Yeah. I said, "Stop yelling."

But because I have not told my kids what a slimebutt cheating, thieving liar their father is, they think I'm the bad guy for filing for divorce, and 'stealing' his money. (ie, child support.) And they're always very quick to rush to his defense.

So DS13 told me he's not yelling at me. Uh, yeah, he's yelling. I don't care if it's at me. He doesn't need to be yelling at his kids all the time, either. And he's still standing in my kitchen that was quite pleasant and peaceful till he showed up, YELLING and I damn well WILL say something about it.

I said, "It gets a little irritating to have someone just burst in on me at 10:30 at night."

DS13 then told me, "Don't you think it's irritating for him having kids who stay up all night?"

I reminded him I HAVE these exact same kids FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK, yeah, I know exactly what it's like to put a bunch of kids to bed every night. But...they go to bed for me because I actually pick the computer up and take it away instead of just yelling about it for three hours.

How in the world does my otherwise intelligent 13 year old MISS the fact that I do indeed know what it's like to put a bunch of kids to bed every night? But these kids are so busy feeling sorry for their dad, that they sort of miss all these things.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I took the stance that the kids should know the basics of what happened in the marriage. My dd (10) will say "I don't like Daddy very much", I correct her and say that we don't like his choices...but she will always love him.

Raising kids in these circumstances is a true challenge. I tell my children they will not understand the situation until they are adults, and maybe even parents themselves. They are too young to emotionally understand the situation.

Right or wrong, I correct my kids when they make the incorrect assumption about their Dad. For example we were discussing how much I missed them when they were gone with their Dad for 2 weeks. My dd said, "Well, now you know how Daddy feels when he doesn't see us for 2 weeks!" I replied, "Honey, that is Daddy's choice not to see you. He lives 1.5 hours away and can come see you anytime he wants. He chooses not to."

I don't bad-mouth him, I am matter of fact. I also stand up for him when she says things like, "I don't like Daddy" and I point out it could be much worse...that he isn't in their lives at all, or doesn't pay the CS. I point out the good things too.

But, I also dealing with "The Gay Thing" and we NEED to be able to discuss everything openly and honestly...because it is going to get tougher before it gets easier for us. I think the teenage years are going to get rough. This is jut how I chose to handle it. Ex did NOT want to do it this way...he wanted it kept a secret.

((capri)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
irrelevancy
New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Am I reading this right that he burst into YOUR house at that time of night and was upset (call it that... it doesn't change things) at someone in your house and you were apparently made out to be the bad guy because you tried to stop it?

Yikes!

If he does it again, call the police. No matter how close he lives that's just wrong! It'd be wrong if it was someone you were in a good relationship with!


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I would chalk that up to age. He is 13. I think that might just go with the territory at that age. He feels obligated to defend his dad, regardless of logic.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)

I'm raising 2 teenaged boys right now. Like cmego, I was very open and honest with both kids from the start, and it continues now, during these often trying times.

Kids need honesty and openness with at least one parent. The one they get it from will be the one they come to respect and trust, IMO.

My boys don't side with their dad. They love him, and in his own broken way, he loves them, but they see for themselves now how poor his choices have been and continue to be.

Maybe it's time for your son (and maybe the other kids) to know a little bit more about the circumstances leading to the divorce.

(((capri))) I'm so sorry. I am sure it's heartbreaking to hear your son defending his dad to you. I think I'd be devastated, considering the Hell I went through, and continue to go through, for those kids. You are one tough lady.

Stay strong and good luck.



Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)

Why is he in your house? My XH lives a mile away... he hasn't set foot in my house since 2003. When he did, he would act much the same way your XH did. It upset everybody in this household, then he walked out we were still left with his bad mojo.

When I realized it, I told the kids what I saw... it wasn't just them it was also me. I want my house to be a place of peace... my sacred place, their sanctuary. In order to do that we had to limit the bad vibes coming in the front door. I told them I made the decision not to have him come in anymore.

It bothered them... till they all realized it was peaceful without him bringing his drama and condemnation thru the door.

You control who comes into your house... keep him outside.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5329 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 6