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User Topic: how being lied to for decades has affected me
eyenight
Member
Member # 39488
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

So is off on a guys camping trip this week. He and I have been really busy and mismatched schedules so we havent had a lot of time together.

Here is the thing. I am so use to being lied to that I was having anxiety over SO and the guys camping trip. I was questioning is he lying to me about the trip just so he can get away and go cheat.
I know for a fact that he is camping I know where and I know with who, I know he isnt a liar. I have to keep telling myself that SO wouldn't do anything like that, its not in his blood, I know all this craziness is in my head. Simple things that my X would lie about and I always found out. With x I always got to verify the truth. With So I find myself verifying what he says, which I think is a normal reaction to being lied to all the time by other men. Not once have I caught So in a lie. He always has told me the truth.
I dont know why I think SO is a liar, maybe because I am scared that this is the first honest guy that I have dated. Becuase after a lot of thinking literally all my So's have lied about big things (cheating, making up stories etc.)
I am working on getting this insecurity under control because lets face it its turning me into a crazy suspicious gf.
Being lied to for years and years has rewired my brain into thinking that all men lie through their teeth to their girlfriends. When in actuallity not all men are full of bullshit, and SO is one of them. He's the type where he tells me he is going to do something and he does it. I trust him and my gut hasnt been giving me the knot of cheating. He know what he has and values it. He and I are on the same page as far as cheating goes he and I are both BS's. We had a long talk about that when we first were seeing eachother, he and I shared stories. Are morals are the same and I know that he would never do anything that would be going against his pride and morals. He has a lot of pride and he hates to let anyone down especially himself.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

It takes awhile for the worrying mind to catch up with the "I know what I know about SO" mind. Be gentle with yourself. Act in ways that show your SO that you are working through these things.

And maybe you can plan some fun times together to put some fun back into the relationship.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

One reason I won't allow myself to get involved with anyone right now is because I know I would not be able to trust him, whoever he is. I hear what you're saying loud & clear. I think you're incredibly courageous for moving ahead despite your understandable doubts & need to verify. My hope for you is that this need will fade for you with the passage of time.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

eyenight, I know what you are saying here. I have some of the same triggers with my new SO. He has not once lied to me, but I still find myself questioning some of his motives. The good thing about this guy though is that he understands my PTSD and my triggers (he has some himself) and we are both very gentle with each other when we are having some of those issues. We talk them thru.

It does take time, and I am getting a bit better about relaxing and trusting, but I'll be honest with you.....I doubt that I will ever 100% trust anyone again. I don't think that is completely bad. I think it is okay to make sure we do pay attention to any red flags or our gut instincts, as long as we realize what is reality and what is just past triggering....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15245 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
eyenight
Member
Member # 39488
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Hes never given me a reason not to trust him.
i do trust him. The hardest part is letting things from my past go. I noticed a lot of my insecurities that I have had have started to come to the surface. They are my demons and I am working through them as hard as they are. Sometimes hes not the best communicator but I know this about him he has told me too, He said hes working on that too. He also told me he needs time by himself from time to time and its nothing personal. Which I understand. Hes got his demons to and we are working on getting over these hurdles together. Its just takes time.
I told him about the trust and lying thing and that they are my biggest demons. We talked at length about it and Im working on getting to the bottom of why i trigger so hard about it. I know I have PTSD from dealings with the X and I am trying to work through it. SO has PTSD to but from totally different reasons.
I know that SO is really forgetful, and I shouldnt take it personally if he doesnt call me everyday, he'll normally forget his phone when he goes into town or forget to charge it and carry around a dead phone all day. Thats just him
I still remember what SO said when we first started talking. I can't lie. I am a really bad liar people can read me like an open book, plus lieing to someone you care about is just as bad as cheating because they will have a hard time trusting you and it hard for me to trust and for you to trust. plus lying makes it worse because you have to come up with lie after lie to cover up those lies and before you know it you are caught and you cant take it back. so lieing is just a waste of time. its easier to tell the truth and the truth might hurt sometimes but its saves you from unnecessary drama and betrayal

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Thank God....I thought I was the only one doing this.......

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 6