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User Topic: Parents met SO last weekend. What do you make of this?
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

A little bit of background:

I've been in a LDR for the last 6 months. SO has kids and will not be able to move to my state if we were to get as far as M, so I would have to move to her state. My parents live close to me now and I have a successful landscaping company that I can't just up and move.

I told my parents about SO about a month or so ago and their main concern was me giving up my business.

The thing that gets me mad about that is before D-day my parents and I lived in another state close to each other. Then they moved to the state we are in now. They kept bugging me to sell my business and move to their state, like it wasn't a big deal. When the A happened I had to leave that state and so I sold my company and I moved to my parents state (where I am now).

Never once did they mention it as a problem to be giving up my business. But now that I've met this girl and there is a possibility that some day I would move to her state, my parents where all up in arms about me "giving up the business".

They met SO on July 4th and to their credit they did a really great job of trying to make things nice for her visit. They really went above and beyond. But I've seen them twice since then (today for several hours) and they never mentioned SO or anything about her visit. I would have thought they would have at least said "it was nice meeting her" or something like that. But nothing.

What do you all make of that?


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

They don't want you to move away.

Are you the only child nearby? It may have something to do with them feeling their aging years coming soon and wanting you close by. I know my mother feels this way. She moved to my state to be closer to me, because she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

Could your parents be thinking along those lines?


Hugs,

k


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4050 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Your parents have always been controlling, no?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13204 | Registered: Jul 2011
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

My brother lives close by.

I've thought of the fact that they don't want me to move away and I'm sure a part of it.

My brother moved to this state 13 years ago, my parents 5 years ago and I moved here 3 years ago.

When my parents moved here they knew I was dead set against coming here. I only moved here b/c I could no longer stay in the state that the A happened in.

I just don't understand why there was not even the slightest mention of SO. I don't think the day went bad. SO did fine when meeting my folks.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Your parents have always been controlling, no?

They've attempted with little or no success. I've always made my own decisions in life and it hasn't always been what they wanted. They never wanted me to go into landscaping. Now they don't want me to stop doing it.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Is it possible that they think things with SO won't last?

For the record, I wouldn't agree with them if they did. Just trying to "think like the parents"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13204 | Registered: Jul 2011
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

It's possible they don't think it will last but I have never casually dated in the past and have dated very few people. After high school I only dated my WW.

Add in the fact that I'm in a relationship that is going on 6 months now and I've actually left my house and gotten on a plane to go see her says a lot about how I feel about her.

I know they recognize this as something I'm taking seriously. It just baffles me that they aren't saying anything.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

They aren't saying anything because they don't know what to say.

Sometimes people do that. They don't know what to say, or fear they'll say the wrong thing, so they say nothing. And the person on the receiving end thinks "they don't care". The person not saying anything? They have no idea that their lack of saying anything is being taken that way.

It's a common way to be among "repressed" people. You've learned the same coping habit because you are upset and aren't saying anything to them, instead you are asking us.

Your parents obviously care for you in their own way.

I would ask, "Hey mom/dad, you seemed to enjoy meeting SO last week, so why aren't you asking about her".


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

Myname,

How many heart-to-heart conversations have you had with your parents in the last year?

I suspect, during the traumatic A years, your parents went into "silent" mode during family gatherings to protect you.

"Don't mention ex-wife to Myname, it only makes him sad."

"Don't mention Myname's cutting himself, it will only upset him."

"Don't mention divorce to Myname, the topic seems to traumatize him."

I would have thought they would have at least said "it was nice meeting her" or something like that. But nothing.

I just don't understand why there was not even the slightest mention of SO.

It just baffles me that they aren't saying anything.

A better question is, why are you so hesitant to raise a subject, a person, who clearly makes you happier>


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

How many heart-to-heart conversations have you had with your parents in the last year?

Past year?! I haven't had a heart to heart conversation with my parents since before I was a teen. I talk to my Dad about chores that need to be done and work stuff. My Mom almost never talks to me unless it is to put me down.

My parents do not know about the cutting at all. There was a time during R that my parents would blame me for not doing enough to fix the M. I told them I didn't want them to talk to me about it anymore b/c they didn't know any of the story. They don't know that she cheated.

The thing is, when I told them about SO I specifically said several times that I wanted their input on the relationship.

A better question is, why are you so hesitant to raise a subject, a person, who clearly makes you happier

This is a good question. I'm not really sure.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

I moved across the country to be with my SO. Sold my house in my home province and have been 5000 miles away from home for the last 2 years. My parents were devastated about me moving. I believe it is because they are afraid for me. They know how much I was hurt and would love nothing more than to protect me and keep me from ever experiencing anything like the fallout from my EX's affair ever again...but they have never expressed it as such.


divorced!

Posts: 2607 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 12:15 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Well when you left WW you were hurting and vulnerable ... They wanted you close so they could do their best to help take care of you, as much as you would let them.

Now that your there and have the business and it is successful and doing so well, see F & G YEAH !!!

Anyway, they don't want you to loose all that you have accomplished since the sep. from WW ... Not that they don't want you to leave them, I think they are OK with the apron strings being cut. But all you have done for yourself and are still doing for yourself, they don't want you to loose that and have to start over.

As far as mentioning SO or not, they may just being cautious. They know how badly you were/are hurt from what happened. And I suspect they have ideas about what more is going on with you, not exactly mind you, cause you are really private about that. But on some instinctual parental level they know you are hurting deeper than you let them know.

And I think they can see you coming around a little bit, bit by bit ... So not that they do not like SO, not even that they don't think you 2 are good together, they are just fearful what may or may not happen if things progress to fast, or if you guys break up.

BTW, for what it's worth I think it is wonderful about you and SO. You sound much more at ease, lately. Be sure your healing and her are not tied together. They should be and should remain two separate things.

Your parents love you Myname, they only want the best for you. If SO is it, I'm sure they will be behind you both the whole way. They are just being careful/cautious for you, they don't know how to handle you, with what little info you give them. But they know you were hurt deep, but that's it, so they are kinda flying blind here.

Talk to your therapist ... Talk to SO get her feel for all this.

eta .... spelling , what else. Really my fingers type faster than my mind can spell...

[This message edited by booger bear at 12:21 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Boogerbear has a strong grasp on it I think. What do you think Myname?


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

I think you're right on BB.

A lot of really good wisdom there. Thanks


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 36
12-08-10: S

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 14th (Sunday)


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Topic Posts: 15