New Beginnings
User Topic: It just hit me - 5.5 months later
New Member
Member # 39754
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Hi, first time I'm posting in this forum. My story is here:

Unlike a lot of people here who found out through texts/emails, or whose WS confessed, etc, I actually walked in on my WW and OM. (This was late January 2013)

As I mentioned in my story, I didn't feel anything at the time. I just thought about my son. In the following days, obviously I was incredibly sad, mostly over the feelings of my family getting ripped apart (she left and filed for divorce immediately after I caught them), but I still never had an emotional reaction to actually catching them. I chalked it up to having been numbed by her effectively clocking out of the marriage years ago.

And in some ways her leaving so quickly - I never even had a chance to yell at her or ask her why or anything - zero closure. She hid behind a lawyer immediately.

I feel like I very quickly went to acceptance and moved forward; exercised, never thought about her, resolved to never take her back, very quickly started to feel like I was happier without her, etc. And so again I never questioned why I never felt anything about the actual betrayal, and having it smashed into my face like that. I thought it was all just part of having moved on.

This morning, more than 5.5 months later, it hit me. Hearing the Killers' song "Mr. Brightside" for the first time in forever, and after nearly 10 years since i first heard the song, realizing the song is about being cheated on (read the lyrics!) and I just erupted. It's the hardest I've cried since this began. I'm having to type this stupid post through tears in fact.

I'm sure it's a good thing that these feelings are finally coming out. I had no idea they were trapped in me.

Guess I gotta keep tearing myself down before I start trying to build back up.

[This message edited by brokendude at 10:30 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Seattle
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Guess I gotta keep tearing myself down before I start trying to build back up.

Sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you found SI. Unfortunately, we've all found that the only way to get over or get past this crap is to go through it, feeling all the pain and anger and sadness to get to acceptance and peace.

Keep reading here and posting. It really helps. If you haven't already done so, check out the Healing Library. There are a lot of good articles there.

Others will be along. Weekends can be a bit slow.

Welcome. ((brokendude))

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 13th (Saturday)

Ah yes, feelings. You never really know what is going to trigger them and you just have to walk through the pain when it comes. I thought, after the first terrible few weeks, that I pretty much had my shit all together...realized how much growth I had to go through only as I went through it.

I'm sure it's a good thing that these feelings are finally coming out. I had no idea they were trapped in me.

It sounds like you "get it", that you understand that you have to feel it in order to heal it.

Welcome to SI and I'm glad you posted on this forum. Focusing on the "moving on" part after infidelity includes feeling the aftershocks! I hope you'll find what you need here.

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

(sorry about the double post)

[This message edited by better4me at 7:49 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

It sucks. But at least you got it out from that box you locked it away in. Now you can deal with it.

I really think that our minds deal with trauma by shutting it away while we are numb, and bringing it the pain in pieces when we are ready to deal with it.

I am glad you found NB.. putting the past in it's place makes room for your New Beginning.




I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5264 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

I don't think I really hit rock bottom until 9 months post separation, a year+ from d-day. I was numb. If I tried to wrap my head around it (my ex is gay, had a total hidden life...) my mind went blank. Literally, my mind would not allow me to think about it. My IC (therapist...individual counselor) said it was my brain protecting myself from something so intensely painful I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

Once I came through some of the levels of healing, and far enough out to actually DEAL, then I crashed emotionally. I remember clearly when I knew it was time to start therapy.

It made sense to me, the layers of healing. Our brain prevents us from dealing with somethings until we actually CAN.

Keep posting!

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 13th (Saturday)

I feel like I very quickly went to acceptance and moved forward

Ah, but you really didn't get to acceptance, you went into shock and stuffed it all down. Now it's coming out.

It's not tearing yourself down. It's healing from the trauma. It's moving through it, not just moving on. It hurts like hell, but it's worth it to come out the other side emotionally healthy.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

inconnu is spot on.

You go into survival mode - just getting shit done and getting through each day, each stage, putting out little fires here and there.

I spent much of those first few months in an indignant rage. I thought I could talk myself into not feeling the pain of this to its full extent. I went numb instead.

Then you have the calm after the storm - and the grief begins.

It still hits me sometimes. A friend of mine joked that next time I get married I'd better invite him this time (suggesting his absence was why the M didn't work out).

I jokingly said "why do you think I didn't want an engagement ring? OR a proper wedding? I DIDN'T WANT TO BLOODY MARRY HIM! "

But my laugh at the end got caught in my throat. I realised it was true.

I did love him. I did want to share my life with him but deep down I knew he would not be a good husband. I knew he would let me down.

Betraying myself like that hurt more than his betrayals - much, much more.

((brokendude)) You are very early into this - at 6 months out I was still kind of in shock.

You can't heal what you don't feel. It sucks to have to feel it but it is a good thing.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8