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User Topic: Multidating leads to game playing
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Well, maybe "strategizing" is a more correct term.

I've switched dating sites, and for reasons I cannot fathom I'm generating more interest.

Now I find myself in the situation of having had two dates with two different women. One is clearly interested in me. I'm kind of lukewarm, but could imagine something possibly growing there (oh please, get your minds out of the gutter!). I'm more interested in the other woman, but her level of interest in me isn't so clear.

So here I am, finding that I'm waiting to respond to the first woman until I hear back from the second woman. And now I get a message from a third woman who also seems appealing.

The temptation to hold back on quick responses in order to explore another potential option is pretty strong. I can see why people are sometimes slow to respond or say they are busy a ways into the future; they might be wanting to give other opportunities a chance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that's what's going on with the woman I'm more interested in.

Maybe I should just go ahead and set up a third date with the woman I'm not quite as enthused about. There are things about her I like, and I do see some potential there. I just wouldn't want to lead her on. I'd have to keep the date pretty low key. Exactly what I think a good number of women have done with me; see me for 3-5 dates, because they were sort of interested in me and wondered if they might open up to me (please, people!!).

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Hmmm...Well..IMO...I would only set up a 3rd date with the woman you feel luke warm about if and ONLY if you want to pursue her and see where it goes.... I wouldn't string her along until something better comes along...because it sounds like she is starting to get herself emotionally invested in you. OR....if you do...make sure you let her know that you are multi-dating. That way she can make the decision on her own if she is okay with seeing you regardless of you seeing other people! I know from being on the receiving end and being the one someone else felt lukewarm about.... that it wasn't the best feeling in the world.....when it all came down to it in the end.....because I did not know until he POOFed. I was just his "backup plan" so to speak.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Sometimes I wonder if clear interest isn't a turnoff for you.

I see no harm in a few more casual dates and seeing where it goes.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Multidating is juggling.

How many women are you comfortable juggling? (BTW, it's not a trick question, there is no *correct* answer)

Just have fun.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Shelly, I hear where you're coming from. I haven't multidated before (well, I've set up first dates with multiple women before, but never second dates).

I would never poof. As it stands, we left things that we would arrange a date sometime next week. But I've never put things on hold like that while I date someone else. You're right, though, if I see her again I think I might tell her I'm dating others (if that's still true).

It's not like I have no interest in her or see no potential. I'm just more interested in the other woman. And that's the down side of multidating, for all involved.

Crescita, my post does beg the question if I'm not turned off by interest (or turned on by disinterest). I know that the push/pull dynamic can be very real. Thing is, of the women I've date, the one who I had the most powerful instant attraction to was also instantly attracted to me. Her interest in me was a complete aphrodisiac. So I'm pretty sure that actually, the opposite of what you wonder is true. Part of the appeal I have for the woman who I'm less interested in, is that she *is* interested in me.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

t/j

IWantDoOver, your very first post is to me?

I'm, um, surprised

Welcome to SI.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:53 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Are you waiting because your available time is limited - you only have so many nights available?


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I know you are a good guy OnceInALifetime! And, I definitely could not picture you as a POOFer! I agree though....to me multi-dating in the early dates is perfectly fine....but once it gets to the 3rd and on dates....then it gets a little more complicated. I would say that if you can tell that this other girl really likes you that being honest with her about multi-dating for the time being would be the honest way to go. That way she won't get hurt down the road should things progress or not between the two of you....

But, I see nothing wrong with it when you have tons of 1st and even 2nd dates.... because you are still trying to figure out what you want! (who you want) to invest your time in!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Are you waiting because your available time is limited - you only have so many nights available?

Partly.

I should be more clear about where things stand with the woman I'm less interested in (that sounds so cruel, btw; it isn't like I have no interest).

I messaged her after the second date, saying I'd like to see her again. I hadn't yet had my second date with the other woman (ooh, "other woman" must be a real trigger here! She's not an evil bitch, promise!). I said I was busy through the week and weekend (which was true; mostly due to kids but also due to my second other date). She said next week would be fine, I pretty much said "great," and left it at that. It's been a few days.

After my second date with the, er, second woman, it became clear to me I was more interested in her. But I have no idea yet if that's reciprocated.

I feel a little bad that the first woman hasn't heard from me in a few days, and that I hadn't scheduled anything concrete. I feel a little slippery around that, which is what prompted this post. I'm waiting to hear back from the woman I'm more excited about. If she wants to see me again, I'll tell the first woman that I'm interested in seeing where things go with someone else. Otherwise I'll set up something concrete with the first woman.

Am I cake eating? I know that most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B if it's a woman I'm excited about. I figure to know me is to love me


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I think that until the point where you are talking on the phone every night and setting up the next date before the one you are on ends, I assume that everyone is going through exactly what you describe. Not hearing from someone to set that next date sends the message that you are at best coolly interested and that is FINE. Interest is good, neither of you is panting after the other.

Sometimes I wait to see if I am going to rather sit around and finish a good book before I commit to weekend plans.

Has the woman you have "left hanging" messaged you? Has she said anything like such and such movie is playing, want to go? She may be in the same multi-dating busy schedule boat.

RELAX.... communicate, don't project.

You cannot predict or even guess at the myriad responses any woman might give you. So waiting on one thing before you decide another seems kinda silly to me.

Set a date with as many people as you want around your schedule. Be in the moment and try not to compare one date to another. Just enjoy the company you have at the moment. You may be a poster child for learning to look at Ms. Right Now and not look for Ms. Right.

oh, and kudos on the interest and attention!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm dying to know what dating site you are using NOW! (as opposed to before!) Maybe I need to switch too!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm dying to know what dating site you are using NOW!

It's "Plenty of Neurotics," a POF spinoff. I figure I qualify.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Is that a free site?

I tried POF...with not very good luck.....not a fan...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:03 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm not trying to be condescending or anything but you're going out some dates not trying to put together a new strategy to for a five year marketing plan. If you can afford it, go out with all of them that you want to go out with and freaking enjoy yourself while being yourself without bullshitting anybody and see where it goes.
Relax, be in the moment and don't expect every date to be a ticket to paradise (thank you Eddie Money) I think most of us just want to have some fun (thank you Cindy Lauper) and enjoy being around some new company without the stress. The stress will come for both of you after you become,serious...kidding...sort of.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

t/j

80s music.... sigh...

end t/j

OIAL, are you joking about the website?


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

OIAL, are you joking about the website?

Not certain, but I think that's a serious question? (ETA: this question is precisely as serious as yours )

I know, the chorus has long been telling me to stop worrying, chill out, meditate, go with the flow, get tranquilized. Maybe I'll join in eventually.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:21 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

That's the ticket relax, go with the flow and.... "Tranquilize" thank you the Killers.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I thought you were trying e Harmony?

I've had the most "luck" on Match.

I was attempting multi-dating. To me, once you are in the 3rd date range, you should probably know if you really want to pursue someone or not. The guy was openly mulitdating, we discussed it very honestly. I was kinda multi-dating (had lunch with a fSO while dating this guy...). Once I hit the 3rd date, and he tried to kiss me...I was done. No interest. When he tried to set up a 4th date I simply said I wasn't interested.

I also assume everyone I"m talking to is talking to multiple women. My assumption is that one day I'll stumble on the "right" thing...mutual interest of the same level.

I personally wouldn't want to be a back up plan. By date 3 or 4, I'm probably beginning to wonder where his interest is...so letting her know you are multi-dating is the right thing to do. She can then decide if she is comfortable with the situation.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I'm back

I know that most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B if it's a woman I'm excited about. I figure to know me is to love me.

OAIL, Is this how you'd describe dating to your daughters?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I am naive. Look it up, there's my picture. I was serious, though doubtful. A quick google search (YES, I DID ) proves just how gullible I am. sigh.

thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, though apparently it was not deserved.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

OAIL, Is this how you'd describe dating to your daughters?

OK, I'll bite. I've had two dates with each of these women. We don't know each other very well yet. Yeah, one of them is my second choice right now, but they both have potential. If my daughter had a second date with someone, then discovered he had preferred someone else but that didn't work out, I wouldn't necessarily tell my daughter to dump him. If he was honest, was treating her well, and the relationship was heading in a strong, positive direction, that's what would matter.

caregiver9000, I just thought it was funny. Absolutely no offense taken. You're dealing with a master self-effacer.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I think at two dates in you may be more attracted to one person versus another but you certainly don't know either one well enough to know which has real potential.

So Ms Second Place could turn out to be a winner after all. You never know.

Regarding your reluctance with any woman who shows interest - Reminds me of this Groucho Marx quote

" I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member"


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

"Reluctance with any woman who shows interest"

Dang, I thought I refuted that one...


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

make sure you let her know that you are multi-dating

I don't think this is necessary.

There's a point at which being 'considerate' like this sounds melodramatic or more like 'self-importance'. ie. I know I'm so hot that I am taking extra care not to break your heart so I will tell you I am seeing other women.

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

I don't think multidating in early dating when working with a dating site is about game playing at all. More about time management than anything else. It's also an antidote for getting overly invested too soon.

I like the analogy that was used on another thread...it was called 'tending the herd'.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 5:10 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I don't think this is necessary.

There's a point at which being 'considerate' like this sounds melodramatic or more like 'self-importance'. ie. I know I'm so hot that I am taking extra care not to break your heart so I will tell you I am seeing other women.

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

I agree totally.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

thanks OIAL... I am happy to be humorous, and silly. Good thing since it happens so often.


InnerLight,

Thank you!!! You said it so clearly. That is exactly how I feel.

Of course, everyone is different. Some want to have that conversation, some don't. Your date will hopefully give you cues with what needs saying and what doesn't. But I don't think you are honor bound to bring it up.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I think the conversation went something like this for me:

Him: So, have you had luck on Match?

Me: Some. Met some great guys, just not great guys for me. How about you?

Him: Well, same. I have had coffee with a few nice people, and have some more dates lined up. Do you think everyone is dating more than one person?

Me: Yes, I do. I don't do it very well, but I understand it is part of the OLD experience.

This was like second date conversation. So, my eyes were wide open. I accepted the third date invitation, but by the end knew I wasn't interested in taking it further when he tried to kiss me. It was partially because he was multi-dating. When he asked for date 4, I just told him I'm not cut out for extensive multi dating. He said, "Well, I am looking for new friends too...".

It is so personal. I have never been able to multi-date. Not in college, not post marriage. I'm just not comfortable with it. I can hide it for a few dates, but after that I need more...direction. It is just who I am. If the guy needs/wants to multidate others after 4 dates or so...then he isn't my guy. In order for me to relax, especially physically, I need to be the "only one". That probably includes anything much past a chaste kiss.

It is just who I am, and I've learned to rock it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
missherlots
Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

onnceinalifetime,

Have you ever taken a decision on you own?

told you before and I am telling you now.

Stop dating until you get your act together. You can suck the life out of the dating world with so much worry and questions to others about how you should behave or do.

I think you need like a child, some time out. it is disrespectful to your potential partners how you act because I think. when you choose one girl, you will be asking SI what to do next or if you should dumpt her or not.

Have you ask yourself what do you want? You do not like sex right away, but also you do not like to date to long to really know someone to have sex with.

I am scratching my head. your have some development issues or mother attachment problems. I am not joking here. it might sounds rude or cruel but I am wondering.

You sound articulate and smart but the incapacity to take basic dating decisions makes me wonder where all this coming from?

I do not want to be mean or condescending but Like cat woman said. Jeez!!!

take one decision and stick with it. good or bad but at least is YOUR decision and not SI's about your life.

My two cents.

[This message edited by missherlots at 6:01 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
notmeanymore
Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

OAIL - oh, I guess you did refute it. I just couldn't pass up an opportunity to quote Groucho Marx.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Well, I for one like reading these kinda threads. I don't know anyone else IRL that is OLD. It is new territory for most of us and I like being able to ask questions of both men and women.

I am an introvert and dating sucks. I like knowing other people struggle with the same issues.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

at least is YOUR decision and not SI's about your life.

Hang on now...if everyone takes this to heart it would eliminate 95% of my viewing pleasure in this area of SI.

just kidding...sort of

and how the hell do you do a quote.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 6:34 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Applause!!! This:
If he was honest, was treating her well, and the relationship was heading in a strong, positive direction, that's what would matter.

Sounds much healthier than this:

most people wouldn't want to be a plan B. But honestly, I'm willing to be a plan B

Hope you have some fun this weekend!

Another shout-out to InnerLight:

We are all different of course but it would be a turn off for me. As an early dater meeting someone on a dating site I will is assume you are multidating until we have the talk and I would find it very unflattering to bring up other women when we are out together.

Until you get serious enough to bring up the topic of exclusivity then I think taking about dating others is in poor taste.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 6:50 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I like reading these threads too! I hesitate to post a response though because I feel under qualified to give "advice." But I am comfortable with perspective. Ha. Splitting hairs.

To me it is a lot like journaling with a peanut gallery. I hope that using SI as a sounding board is but one way we can check ourselves. I don't feel like anyone is asking the collective SI to make decisions FOR them.

Feedback is beyond helpful and I appreciate those who are brave enough to put their insecurity out there for everyone to see.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

misherlots, not sure where to begin with that, or whether I should even bother.

I'll just say I take great value from the different perspectives I receive from the very compassionate and wise members here. In fact I'm often humbled by the generosity of spirit here. Some advice works for me, some advice doesn't. I take what helps. In the end, if SI advice helps lead me towards a good decision, wonderful. If in your eyes that makes me an indecisive menace with "development issues or mother attachment problems," so be it.

When I was going through the shit storm of infidelity, did SI decide for me that I should file for divorce? Of course not. Different people were suggesting very different things, and with some help from that collective wisdom, I made my choice. Along with help from my therapist, my minister, and my family. In the end, my choice, as informed as I could make it. Every choice I make is my own, regardless of how informed it is.

I'm not very experienced at beginning relationships. There are still gray areas around dating for me. I could just go barrelling through without a care in the world. But I think that would be the more hurtful attitude.

I'm going to continue to ask my friends here for advice when I feel it could help. That might amuse some, bother others, and strike a chord with others still. If it bothers you, I suggest you stop reading my posts.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I appreciate that you post the details of all your decision making angst in the process of OLD. Some people relax and just go with it, but then stress out in another area that you would think, what a no-brainer what's the big deal. To each his own. OLD has a lot of challenges and brings up a lot of big and small issues. I appreciate all the thought you put into it.

I see it as just anxiety put into words. We all have anxiety about something. We aren't all as articulate as you are in expressing it. I also appreciate that you reach out in this forum. I feel like I've shared part of the NB journey with you. Youve made yourself vulnerable and I respect that.

FWIW I think you are travelling the NB journey with a lot of integrity and I think you are doing great.

I am sending my well wishes for whatever you decide to do with this sweet abundance of dating possibilities.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5863 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

To misherlots,
There's a conventional wisdom on SI that says ... more or less .. . stay off threads that bug you. It's really that simple.

OIAL,
I've worked through many things with the help of SI. You don't need to defend yourself for posting what you need to post in this safe place.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

t/j

I want to be IL when I grow up.

Seriously, I feel like I can just go around the board and go "ditto" each time she posts.

so.... (again) yea, what IL said.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Just wanted to add that I also think you should not tell anyone you are multi-dating. When I was dating, I assumed the guys were seeing other girls just as I was seeing other guys. No need to talk about it unless you're going to be exclusive.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 12th (Friday)

OK...so I think this will show my insecurity...

How are you guys...yourselves...if you know there is multidating going on after a few dates?

I don't want to feel like I'm competing for a guys attention. Let me rephrase that...I'm NOT going to compete for a guys attention. If I'm a couple of dates in, and I like him, and he IS multi dating...I'm going to back out. I don't want to feel like I'm on an episode of "The Bachlorette". By about date 3 or 4, I"m expecting things to be getting more physical..and I am totally not comfortable with..."sharing". So, my assumption is by that point, he isn't that into me, and I'm going to end it.

With that being said, I'm probably not really...me...until I know I'm the only person he is dating. If I feel like I"m competing, then I'm going to be much more reserved and cautious. Maybe that is the after affects of infidelity? I felt like I had to compete for attention and I vowed to never do that again.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I don't think it's fair to pile on missherlots like that. Not only has he often stated that since English isn't his first language (so he often comes across more direct than he probably intends) he's as welcome to his opinion as the rest of us. I tend to agree with what he's saying though in terms of the panic & utter confusion that often imbues these threads while simultaneously being sympathetic to it. There is no "just snap out of it" when you're dealing with feelings like this & we all know it.

It can be hard for me to read OIALs take on women sometimes. He can be harsh, or rather I think he is harsh, and I'm not sure he recognizes it or understands how it's undermining his efforts. I try to be generous and chalk it up to being the written word not being sufficient unto the day, but still sometimes it's gets to me and I'll avoid his threads until I miss the gossip ha ha & get sucked back in

Frankly I see the trajectory of dating after D to be just like the trajectory of healing after an A and D. The reason most of us don't post in JFO? Because we've moved so far along in our healing that our advice is just "too" too much. Same for dating. There's a tipping point where those dating to find their first SO after a D are hand-wringing like teenagers and for those that are further along, well, they try to help out, but sometimes it can be just "too" much. Stronger08 has pointed this out too in most of these threads.

I read these threads usually b/c besides the gossip ha ha, it is always interesting to see others perspectives. I never had the self-doubt for my feelings and actions like I do now before my xWH shit all over my life. And so even though I've regained my confidence and feel like I've got a good handle on things, I no longer feel I've got nothing to learn when it comes to be convinced I'm right about my perceptions on men, women, dating, OLD etc. So I read and question, both myself & you all.

As for multi-dating, I don't like that term b/c I think it's inaccurate. To me, multi-daters are those people who don't want a commitment so they are constantly on the prowl, dating scads of people, stringing people along, lying about who they are with. To me it's a negative term with negative connotations. I don't term going on dates with several new people while you are trying to figure out which one will stick as multi-dating. There's no long term there. It's 1 or 2 dates, the person sticks as an SO or doesn't (so you know you'll no longer see them). Not sure if I'm being clear. Because my definition is implying that multi-dating is a way to avoid a committed relationship versus being open to new people and seeing who sticks.

I'm not sure the distinction matters though. But honestly, if dating isn't making you feel good, then why do it? I enjoyed the attention while I was doing it. I didn't particularly find it confusing, although it was sometimes exhausting/tiring/ridiculous and only one guy poofed on me that sort of threw me (sort of my re-entry to dating reminder, oh yeah! that shit happens!) and then I recalibrated and moved forward. I learned a lot about myself while doing it, which I think was important in an NB, heal from A & D way.

Ok, morning ramble over. I"m not sure if I made a point or even had one. Carry on!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 12th (Friday)

cmego, I'm of a similar mind. I've done little multidating in the past (partly due to lack of opportunity, I suppose, but also because I just knew it would fry my circuits).

My discomfort around it has prompted this post, and I'm just 2 dates in with these women. There's no way I could imagine multidating past 3 dates.

It's a turn-off if I know that the woman I'm dating is also dating others, but at this point I completely expect in the world of o.l.d. Like you, once makeout sessions start, I'm not willing to share.

cayc, of course misherlots is entitled to his opinion, as are we all. And we are also entitled to express our agreement or disagreement with his opinion. I think his attitude was expressed very clearly, language barrier notwithstanding.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I don't want to feel like I'm competing for a guys attention. Let me rephrase that...I'm NOT going to compete for a guys attention. If I'm a couple of dates in, and I like him, and he IS multi dating...I'm going to back out. I don't want tofeel like I'm on an episode of "The Bachlorette". By about date 3 or 4, I"m expecting things to be getting more physical..and I am totally not comfortable with..."sharing". So, my assumption is by that point, he isn't that into me, and I'm going to end it.

BINGO cmego... this is how I feel exactly! I am not programmed to share.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:04 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Broken hearted61
Member
Member # 34931
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 12th (Friday)

This has been my experience. I multi date for a short time. After 3 dates I make a leap of faith and chose to see only one person. I do not want to 'string' anyone along. I also let the guys I am initially dating know that I am not into 'serial' dating but rather wanting to find one person for a long term relationship. I feel this gives them the opportunity to do the same and I want to be upfront about it.
So in the beginning I select 3-5 guys and then hide my profile when I begin to meet them.
I've only had 2 OLD experiences and the first experience resulted in a 4 month relationship. I am now in the process of meeting my second round of gentlemen.


BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012

TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 12th (Friday)

cayc, of course misherlots is entitled to his opinion, as are we all. And we are also entitled to express our agreement or disagreement with his opinion. I think his attitude was expressed very clearly, language barrier notwithstanding.

Well during the throes of pain from A and D, we welcomed 2x4s because we knew we needed tough love to survive, but it seems to me that somehow it appears in NB it''s not allowed. And it''s not just your threads I see this attitude in. I guess I figure if you''re going to put it out there and ask for help, sometimes youre going to get the help that cuts close to the bone. And that''s always the help worth listening to since if it makes you upset/uncomfortable, then there''''s some truth there somewhere that you''''d rather not acknowledge - although I''ll never discount the pure help that sympathy provides either!

OIAL you kill me b/c here on SI you''''re twisting in the wind in your mind but IRL you are the man! Seriously, you always have dates, always have multiple women interested ... to me you seem fine and like you''''ve got it going on. That''''s a good thing, right?

ETA: the language thing. I disagree. I currently do my job in another language, i.e. I don''t use English, and I''m fully aware that I inadvertantly insult people all day long. I am devoid of subtly in this language and the results can be comical. So I still think you should cut MHL some slack.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:15 AM, July 12th, 2013 (Friday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 12th (Friday)

I've never been a fan of the 2x4. I know some people don't mind swinging them around, certain of their remote diagnoses and oblivious to the insult they might be bestowing upon someone who is probably not feeling so confident about things.

But that's me. Others might appreciate being diagnosed by someone they don't know as a threat to women-kind with developmental issues and mother attachment problems.

I was pretty ambivalent about whether I would respond to misherlots. It's not like I was deeply wounded. But nevertheless I don't subscribe to the statement that if a critical statement makes you upset, that the criticism is therefore correct. We all know how much projection can go on around here. Being attacked is never particularly fun, regardless of the level of truth in the accusations.

I post in flurries, at times when I'm uncertain about something and would like a broader perspective. But it seems that's turned me into a caricature in some people's eyes.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 12th (Friday)

cmego asked a good question and I like the way cayc answered it. Multi-dating is perhaps a misnomer. Maybe flurry first dating is a better descriptor?

I don't get to the make out stage with more than one person. I don't get to the make out stage with very many... much to my current frustration!

As I have mentioned before, one guy is in perpetual first date mode and is likely a life long friend, unless I meet a significant SO (redundancy intentional) who warrants letting him go.

I feel like I have little "experience" to really refer to, but that is where I am right now.

I like that this community asks these questions and engages in dialogue. I hadn't considered the "gossipy" bent to it, but yeah, that is there too.

I think that dating after betrayal is like learning to walk. It certainly feels more like that to me than "riding a bicycle" and the idea that you "never forget how" is laughable.

To reflect once more on cmego's question, I don't feel like I am competing. I don't like how that would feel. I think I am fortunate if multiple opportunities arise at the same time and I can schedule it. But I am not invested yet. And maybe keeping an open mind early on keeps me from being overly invested?? That is just some thinking out loud. I don't know the answer.

I know I feel more secure than not, most days.

I also know that I have hurt someone's feelings on this board unintentionally and if they hadn't responded in a way that let me know, I would not have known! And we shared a native language. Words and nuance can be tricky. "Joking around" can cross a line when you are on the receiving end of it. I will hope that when I cross that line the person says, hey, that hurt and I wasn't expecting it (which is why it hurts so much?). Then I can apologize! I have never seen anyone in this community outside of trolls who disappear quite quickly... I have never seen anyone who delights in delivering hurt.

ok, climbing off of soapbox now.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 12th (Friday)

I just want to say I appreciate the sand it takes to ask the questions OIAL asks here in NB. It's helpful to me, even though I'm not ready at all to begin dating again -- I want to, one day, and somehow reading about the experiences here is helping me get my mind right about dating & OLD.

So, thank you, OIAL --and She11ybeanz and cmego and others -- who have shared their hesitations, questions, uncertainties and general thoughts in this forum. It takes courage to open up to others in this way, and to ask for opinions and feedback. I'm learning a lot through your experiences and I am grateful to you.

And I sooooo appreciate the vicarious thrills you all are providing me


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Oh, seeking, you have yet to hear about Sad in AZ's "experience" with Cheezy Nut Man...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17560 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 12th (Friday)

Au contraire, FF, I did read Sad's post (somewhere) on cheesy nut man! Thank you for reminding me though. Cheesy nut man is LEGEND.

Was it Sad who had the email from the would-be tomato farmer?? I can't remember the details, just that I laughed my head off

I think I have you, FF, to thank for calling plenty of fish "plenty of freaks" !! I couldn't even type that without cracking up.

I LOVE all the dating threads !!

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 11:29 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone for being so open. It truly helps us that have only dipped our feet into dating.

The Cheezy nut man stories and all the OLD sites advice is just hysterical! We all have something like that I am sure.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone for being so open. It truly helps us that have only dipped our feet into dating.

The Cheezy nut man stories and all the OLD sites advice is just hysterical! We all have something like that I am sure.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 51