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User Topic: I think I am at the end of this rope :(
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

This may be a long and convoluted post, but I hope you guys can set me straight like you have many times before. This is killing me.

SO and I have been dating 6 months. We have a great time when we are together, but I think our differences are starting to kill us. Kill me at least. I am not sure if I want to continue even though our relationship (when we are together) is really "fun" and he treats me very well. Long-term I am not sure I can handle this. Is it worth it? Should I live in the moment or start moving on?

Where to begin? Well SO is really quite the "life of the party/extrovert type". And yes, he is fun. A lot of fun. He is an only child, and has always done what he wants when he wants, even when he was living with his wife of 30 years. Now that we are in a committed "longer term" relationship, his uber-social behavior is starting to bother me. A lot.

They say what attracts you most at first to a person is eventually what starts to piss you off. I can attest to this. And yes, I have talked about it with him many, many times. He says he 'gets it' but based on his subsequent behavior, I don't think he does.

Background...

He plays golf, poker or goes to happy hour almost every night. He invites me when it's not a "guys thing". He has tons and tons of friends... single and married men and single and married women. And, yes, ex-girlfriends who are now just "friends".

I sometimes enjoy going out and socializing, but being an introvert, I need some down time to recharge. I explained to him that spending my "downtime" is much more fun WITH him than WITHOUT him. But my "downtime" does not involve socializing with a bunch of other people. I want to watch a movie with him, have a quiet dinner, talk, etc...

I told him that he needs to make sure he plans to spend some "alone" time (besides just sex) with me or I'll start feeling neglected.

Last week really pissed me off so badly that I impulsively broke up with him. He played golf/poker every day last week and either stayed at his place or showed up in my bed late each night. Too late to do anything except for sex. Friday night we were talking about going dancing. He called me at about 9pm to tell me he was just leaving the golf course and that we could go out after. I told him not to bother coming back to my house at all. I called a girlfriend and went to a movie instead.. fuming! We have had this same issue before...I call it being "inconsiderate"... but we have talked it out, and thought he "got it". Apparently not.

I regretted the impulsive break-up (that's a whole other story!) we got together and talked. He said he will try to tell me in advance when he makes plans so I can make alternate plans. I also told him I wanted to spend more alone with him.

That was yesterday. This week he has poker planned for Wed and Thur. Then on Friday his parents come into town and will stay at his place while we stay at mine. Not sure if I will go out with his parents or not... it depends on if his son is working or not. That part is okay. At least he told me that part in advance so I can make other plans (if I want to). He said that tonight (our only free night) he will come over to my place after work.

But about an hour ago he texted me and invited me to go out with him and his single girlfriend (he says platonic, but I think she likes him) to go drinking at a pool hall near my house. Ah, no thanks! I had a hard day today... witnessed a guy get run over on his bike. I was pretty stressed out and can use his company. In addition, he knows I need to get home to my DD12. In other words, he knew I would say no and he was free to "play" then come home to my place afterwards.

I told him don't bother coming over after, but he told me his stuff is there, etc... I just texted him "K". What else could I do?

This is the only day we could be together alone, and he knows it. But he chooses to have a drink with his single girlfriend. How fucked up is that?

As far as I know, he hasn't cheated on me and comes home to me almost every night. But still I feel shitty.

Any insights? Keep in mind, when we are together things are awesome. He is kind, considerate, etc... it's just when we AREN'T together I start having issues. Is it me or him???? Both?

Sorry about this ramble, but I am just ready to quit. Last time I did, I panicked. I do really love him. WTF? Being solo was so much easier!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 6:40 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

This is the only day we could be together alone, and he knows it. But he chooses to have a drink with his single girlfriend. How fucked up is that?
He isn't making you a priority. He is making you a back-up plan, basically for when he is done having fun with his other friends. It would piss me off too.

I'm so sorry.....but from what you write here, it just sounds like he has to be the center of attention, of lots of people, all the time (or at least most of it.) That doesn't sound like good relationship material.

I would be okay with my SO going out and hanging with friends. Thursday, my SO is going to see a movie with his buddy. Cool. Gives me time to do my own thing. But, it is okay with me, because he spends about 80% of his available alone time WITH ME!

I think the clashing life-styles will also be a problem, because be honest here...if he goes out every day with his friends, it is going to leave you feeling alone and neglected. I would feel that way. You need someone that likes to socialize once in a while but also likes to be a homebody once in a while.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Thanks NA, you are right. But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment. He is good for me in that he gets me out of my shell. But at 49 I am not getting any younger. Do you break up with someone that you have a blast with? Or do you cut your losses and be miserable (hopefully temporarily) keeping your longer relationship goals in mind? That's my issue here

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:01 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I think you love what the relationship could be because it doesn't sound like you have a relationship at all. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants and you get upset. Even if you were happily doing your own thing, you wouldn't have much of a relationship.

As NA says, you are the backup plan. If you're not ready to break it off, start asserting yourself. Don't be available for him whenever he has a whim, and don't let him run roughshod over you (his stuff is at your place indeed...) Start planning your own activities and DO them. Tell him he can come along if he wants but don't wait for him. Look at it as a modified 180--you will get yourself into a safe position, and it may make him realize what he's missing, but that's not the main thrust.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19187 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Tell him he can come along if he wants but don't wait for him. Look at it as a modified 180--you will get yourself into a safe position, and it may make him realize what he's missing, but that's not the main thrust.

So wise! I was never very good at the 180, though. But I think this is what I need to do. Already booked myself for barge cruise for Saturday when he is with his parents. I just am not good at hiding my emotions, but Im going to try!!!


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

To HUM, my SI twin...

But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment.
That is EXACTLY how I felt with XSO. Damn he was fun. He was SO MUCH fun! I haven't had a lot of fun because I was too busy spending my life working, being a good wife, parent, blah blah blah. I was starved for fun, and he provided it. It lasted, off and on, for four years, because I NEEDED that fun.

Then, I got tired of it. I got tired of him not making me a priority (again, when we were together, he was 100% totally focused on me and made me feel like his Queen. But for him, out of sight, out of mind, basically....)

He was great for me for what I needed at the time. I did need to run wild for a bit, and he was perfect for that. But I grew past him and decided, after a while, that the fun wasn't worth the misery of not getting my basic relationship needs met.

Do you break up with someone that you have a blast with? Or do you cut your loses and be miserable (hopefully temporarily) keeping your longer relationship goals in mind?

He isn't going to last forever for you. He isn't what you want in a partner. So....your choices are:

1. Stick with him, be exclusive, have fun, but you will always feel something missing and at some point you will start to resent him.

2. Have a talk with him and be friends with benefits (if you are capable. I tried that with XSO, but my heart was already involved and it didn't work so well.) But if he is cool with that (and he may be, because it takes some of the pressure off of him, that frees you up to keep your other options open.

3. Break up (when you are ready, and it will hurt, no matter what, but for me....I waited long enough until he pissed me off so bad I was done, done done.....). YOu will have to heal, but you will be completely free to find what you really need.

4. There may be other options that I'm not thinking of, but those are the main 3.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
missherlots
Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I think you have the answer but it is hard for you to let go.

Last time I did, I panicked. I do really love him. WTF? Being solo was so much easier!

if you allow it to keep happening, it will keep happening.

I can tell you to try to convince him to not being him, but is it ever possible?

Remember what it is always said here.
YOU can not change anyone else but YOU.

Hope it helps even though to open your eyes is not fun.

love yourself!!!!

my two cents


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Regardless of whether you have fun with him or not, the truth is you are not his priority. As others have said, you are a good backup plan when he doesn't have anything else to do or he wants to get laid. Is that really what you want to be? No, of course not. You deserve better than that.

Being with somebody who has to go out all of the time, who constantly needs attention would honestly wear me out. I like my down time too and I have to be with somebody who understands that and who's lifestyle complements mine.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:35 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 13357 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I can't tell you what it means for me to hear this from everyone. I truly love you guys!!!! I knew all this intellectually, but it's hard to see the fire when you are in the middle of the flames!

Thank you! He's coming over tonight (he's having dinner right now with his girlfriend and her girlfriend! Discussing real estate, he says. It doesn't matter. whatever.) I'm going to have this difficult discussion with him. No holding it in. No resentment. He shouldn't have to change and either should I. We both need someone 100% in our own courts. We are wrong for each other. Neither of us is right, neither is wrong. We are just different.

And I just proved to myself I am capable if a relationship! 6 months! New record!!!! I can do it!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 11:01 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

He sounds immature and impulsive. Fun, but not able to put anyone above his needs.

Too bad you can't talk to x-wifey to get her take on it.

I like this saying:

Don't make anyone a priority when you are only an option.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2373 | Registered: Jan 2010
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

Well guys, you do make a difference! I needed you and you guys delivered the "truth". We broke up tonight. "We are different" was my theme. But it is done. He spent 3 hours in a therapy session with his platonic girlfriend while I was dealing with the stress of witnessing a guy get run over on his bike today. I am not his priority. You guys called it. Thanks! I know I am going to hurt for a while, but in the long run it is for the best. Thanks so much ... I know I'm going to be a mess for a while, so please bear with me!!!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:46 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

(((HUM)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11990 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Looking at this as another introvert, I'd be done just because of all the partying and activities and him never wanting quiet time at home. I really think it is rare that an extrovert and an introvert get along well.

But, there are other red flags. The platonic girlfriend thing...I don't know...sounds like he is a little too close, emotionally. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Overall, as I read your post, it felt to me that he's having the time of his life, at your expense. He gets to do all the things he wants to do, none of the things you want to do, and he doesn't make you a priority.

Being alone isn't worse than being with someone who doesn't make you a priority. I'm loving being alone.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Me thinks the guy still lives in the "Frat house" mentally. There comes a time when a man needs to grow up and take a more serious approach to life. Everyone loves a free spirit. They are fun to be around and loved by all. But you need to keep in mind that if your involved with this type of person. He/She must be shared with their extended social circle. If that's what you want in a relationship, great. If you want a more mature, personal relationship, not so great. IMHO life simply can not and should not be so blasť. There needs to be balance. Too much fun or not enough is out of balanced. KWIM ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Nov 2007
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

(((HUM)))
Just remember, you have the right to request what you need in a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it isn't cool, if it seems "needy", or if someone else doesn't think it is valid. Your needs are valid.

With my new SO, I outright told him in the beginning that I "NEED" to be a priority, and I can't deal with someone who has lots of close female friends. Those are "my" requests. There are guys out there that are fine with that, so if he wasn't....that is okay. He can find someone else that doesn't care if she is on the back burner and he is close to other females.

Funny thing is, after telling my SO those things, he liked it. He said I am the first woman to take him seriously enough to be somewhat protective of a relationship with him and it makes "him" feel more valued.

It is okay to ask for what you need. You will find the right person at some point that will value those needs.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. (((extra hugs)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

((HUM))
I think you made a wise decision. My first h was just like this guy and I am a lot like you. It just gets old after awhile. Love the "we are just too different" outlook as it is the truth. Love the "I will hurt for awhile but LOOK, I had a relationship" attitude too.

Hope you are doing okay today!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)

The platonic girlfriend thing...I don't know...sounds like he is a little too close, emotionally. I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

No, I never did like this. He has a TON of platonic girlfriends and ex-girlfriends that he regularly stays in touch with. He knows I don't like it (he is aware of the after-effects of my ex's A), so he always invites me to go with him...he opened up the phone so I can read everything... has never, ever lied to me about anything. He was really good that way. But, infidelity isn't really the issue here. The issue is that if I am hurting bad (that accident I witnessed is still shaking me up), he should have been there for me! Not meeting his friends (girls or guys) at a bar helping them sort through their problems. I should be the priority! It's so clear now. I did the right thing. This has been happening a lot lately, but this particular incident was the nail in the coffin. Once I pointed this out to him I think he really saw where I was coming from... and my reaction to it was valid. But it doesn't matter what he thinks, only about what I think. That is the "new" me talking!

There comes a time when a man needs to grow up and take a more serious approach to life. Everyone loves a free spirit. They are fun to be around and loved by all. But you need to keep in mind that if your involved with this type of person. He/She must be shared with their extended social circle.

Totally this^^^^ But I do think that some men never grow up. XSO() is 54. And... call me selfish or whatever... if I am in a real "relationship" I should come first in his life - not his friends. I don't want to share him with everyone.

Just remember, you have the right to request what you need in a relationship, and it doesn't matter if it isn't cool, if it seems "needy", or if someone else doesn't think it is valid. Your needs are valid.

SoulSis NA -- you hit the nail on the head! If I seem "needy", it is because I truly do "need". Attention, affection, time, whatever. If SO isn't providing this to me then it is my prerogative to end it. I get to set the rules of what I will or will not tolerate in a relationship. It is my life too!

Hope you are doing okay today!

I am doing okay this morning. Going to see an outdoor concert in the PM with girlfriends. But my DD12 is taking this break-up very hard. She was really, really attached to SO (another word of warning to those that introduce their SO to their kids...). He sent her a message that she was a blessing in his life. It set her off. Poor girl, she's been through a lot

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:45 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

(((HUM and DD)))

Once the sting of the break up passes, I think your DD will be proud to see how strong her mom is. It takes a lot of courage to make yourself a priority, and is certainly a good thing to model for her.


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

I know better, but it truly sounds like you were dating my X.

Mr. Outgoing for sure. Like you, one of the things that first attracted me (we're both extroverts) but over time it became the thing that constantly rubbed me the wrong way. Especially the constant partying. Having lived with one, he sounds very much like an alcoholic. Trust me, that is NOT the life you want for yourself.

So many parallels here it's frightening, down to the being friends with all the X's, which as you know is read: No boundaries. My X still is best buds with one of his false R hook-ups - a woman he previously could not stand. She provides him a drinking partner and a place to crash if need be in our old neighborhood so she's obviously a keeper in his world.

You were wise to walk away and value yourself over the kibbles he was tossing your way. I sense a deep undertone here of your own remorse that you saw this and hung on anyway for awhile. Know there is no shame in that. Sometimes we want people to be who we'd like them to be, not be who they really are under all the layers.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21011 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
UndecidedinMA
Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)

Totally this^^^^ But I do think that some men never grow up. XSO() is 54. And... call me selfish or whatever... if I am in a real "relationship" I should come first in his life - not his friends. I don't want to share him with everyone

This is the absolute truth. Better you found out now than try to "change" him. If he didn't get it the first couple times he just didn't want to.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

Having lived with one, he sounds very much like an alcoholic. Trust me, that is NOT the life you want for yourself.

I do wonder. When he socializes, he drinks. Therefore, he drinks a lot. I am not sure that I would call him an "alcoholic"... but when he drinks it certainly brings out his "party" personality. Maybe he is. Luckily, I will not have to find out.

I sense a deep undertone here of your own remorse that you saw this and hung on anyway for awhile. Know there is no shame in that. Sometimes we want people to be who we'd like them to be, not be who they really are under all the layers.

Thanks for this; it is so true. I feel remorse for so many things. I was having such a good time and didn't want it to end. I let it go on too long, even though my gut told me something was wrong. I really do think I loved him... I loved being with him... he made me feel special (beautiful, smart, funny) when we were together... he was great to my kids... and, mostly, he really cared for me, there is no doubt in my mind. I never had a guy like that before. So different from my ex. But I have known for a while that I couldn't live his kind of lifestyle forever. Subsequently, I let it go on and really, really hurt him. And we all know what it is like to be hurt.

But I have not wavered.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:16 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 11th (Thursday)

HUM,
You have certainly been through the wringer with having witnessed a terrible accident and then dealing with this breakkup.

You absolutely did the right thing. I could have written most of AJ's post. One big difference, though, is that I am an extrovert and my X is an introvert. However, when he drinks (which is most of the time), he morphs into an extrovert. He's not obnoxious (usually), but he always had to be the last to leave any party. He h as only female friends and, many times, left me (once immediately after surgery) to tend to one of their crises ... usually in a bar.

You say that you hurt him. You didn't. He is hurt, yes. But you didn't just randomly dump him. You let him know what you needed. And he let you know ... right back ... that his wants came first.

Be kind to yourself right now.

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

You say that you hurt him. You didn't. He is hurt, yes. But you didn't just randomly dump him. You let him know what you needed. And he let you know ... right back ... that his wants came first.
He could have made some changes in order to be with you but he didn't. I wouldn't feel bad about hurting him. Anyway, he can go party with his friends and drink it away.....Your concern should be for yourself.

I hurt XSO when I broke up with him also. But, he had the choice to make some changes, and he chose not to. He also drank me away (or tried to, I still receive a drunken text every once in a while....)

XSO cared for me also, and he did love me. But in a more selfish way as opposed to the type of love that will move heaven and earth. You don't need to feel remorse. You made the best choice for yourself and that is healthy. There isn't anything wrong with staying with him for as long as you did also. You loved him and were having fun. He treated you well when he was around. But he doesn't meet your needs for the long run. You could have hung on longer and stayed for the fun and out of fear of not having anyone, but you didn't. You are doing the right thing. YOu deserve to be the priority in someone's life. It makes a HUGE HUGE difference!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

Wow, AJSMOM, WWW, Naive --

Sounds like these guys are the same kind of men. I guess I have dodged a bullet.

XSO (still hurts to type that!) has sent a few texts, but hasn't actively tried to see me or talk me out of it which is good since I don't yet trust myself not to break down.

I sent him an email yesterday summarizing the reason for the break-up because I don't want him to get it wrong; sometimes he is very thick. I want him to be sure he knows the real reason I broke it off with him for his inevitable "poor me" discussions with his many friends. I don't want him to just blame it on "craziness" or "hormones" or "another man".

He responded that he liked my exit note and wanted to respond in detail (he is a lawyer, they like to do that)... but I said no. Ah, so hard. I want so much to be held right now

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:38 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

(((HappilyUnMarried))) I'm so sorry, I know how much you cared about him. I have bad experiences with the drinking and socializing relationships and it doesn't get better. It's just who he is. Is this the same man who you met in Vegas with your daughter for a short vacation? I seem to remember that, unless I'm confusing you with someone else.


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday)

I kind of see some serious red flags here. The gambling and drinking are two bright red ones.

He doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a relationship though.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Is this the same man who you met in Vegas with your daughter for a short vacation? I seem to remember that, unless I'm confusing you with someone else.

Yep, that's the one! Originally named "VegasGuy"

I kind of see some serious red flags here. The gambling and drinking are two bright red ones
.

He loves to gamble, I can take or leave it. Yes, a definite red flag. Damn, dating him was like being at the United Nations with all those flags!!! But I liked being with him so much, I rationalized those flags away.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 7:15 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Didn't he also hang up on you one time when you were talking on the phone?

I remember because that is one of my dealbreakers. If anyone ever does that to me, they're gone. So P/A and I think it reveals a major character flaw.

I'm glad you're rid of this guy. On to someone better!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Didn't he also hang up on you one time when you were talking on the phone?

No, he never did. He never got angry. I never saw him really mad. That was one of the things I liked about him so much... very even tempered.

But, I did post about one of his biggest red flags... that he was still M. S for over a year, but hasn't even filed for D. It wasn't a huge deal for me, because they were M by paper only (and he needed her insurance). But it still is a giant, waving, blood red flag none the less!


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Um, let's see, a lawyer who can't afford his own health insurance...

That doesn't add up for me somehow.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16635 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 12th (Friday)

Um, let's see, a lawyer who can't afford his own health insurance...

Yep, but this one is true... He is self-employed, likes to gamble, party, buy big toys and take many vacations.

Red flag #999- his lifestyle wasn't conducive to the practical things in life or saving for the future. Something that I didn't figure out for several months. Another reason this had to end and couldn't go on... I have 3 kids to support, don't need anyone else! But, geez, XSO is the perfect guy to date casually! But that's no longer what I am looking for.

Yes, the longer this thread goes on the more I feel totally comfortable with my decision. I listened to my gut. Thanks guys and keep 'em coming!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 1:58 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, July 14th (Sunday)

But what I found out when I broke up with him is that maybe, just maybe, being with him "sometimes" is better than not being with him at all. In other words, maybe I should live in the moment.

HUM....I got in on this late, but please get the hell away from this guy. He sounds SOOO much like my ex that is scares me for you.

Walk away. "Better" is out there, and if you're wasting your time waiting for this guy to finally show up....well, you know what I mean. Move on honey.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Well, he's really changing his tune. And don't worry, I am being very careful at this point.

You know how we give advice to a BS that a remorseful WS will be willing to do anything, including moving the earth and moon, to regain the trust they lost? My XWH never did anything of the sort. But (X)SO is claiming that I have changed him so much already (for the better) and he will do anything, including giving up his friends, golf, poker, etc... to have me back in his life. He's even filing for D next week. That he will never meet anyone so right for him again (and he's dated a lot).

Sigh. You know it's so hard to live your life with regrets. I'm not 100% sure dumping him is right or wrong at this point.

I haven't taken him back, but told him a first step will be to read "Men are from Mars, Woman from Venus" so he gets to understand my thought process....

He bought the book and is emailing me quotes and stuff and saying his life would have been so different had he read it years ago.

I'm touched. I'm treading carefully. If someone wants to change, can they really change?


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
259
Member
Member # 22860
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

my opinion is that yes people can make changes. but that is his journey.

yours is to put yourself and kids first.

hugs to you and I hope things work out for you.


Me = FBS
Him = gone


things that happen in my life do not define who I am. I get to choose to be the best I can be, for me. cause I'm worth it.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: my happy place (most of the time)
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

HUM, I don't know if people really change. My only real experience with people that should/need to change...ultimately they haven't. My ex did everything "right" in the beginning...but it only lasted a few months, then he reverted back to the old ways.

I take that back, one of my "new" girlfriend post S told me about her "wild" childhood/teenage years. Full of sex, drugs, craziness. Now she is a great, responsible Mom. I don't know if that is true "change" or simply maturity.

It is your relationship, you are the only judge if he is capable of true change. You have to make decisions based on what is best for YOU.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

we tell people all the time here that actions speak louder than words, but actions and words should match.

it's okay to hang back and watch to see if that happens with this guy. just remember though, you are worthy of being someone's priority, and listen to your gut when it has something to say to you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 11990 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

actions and words should match.

Amen. Words mean nothing to me. I learned that important lesson in the aftermath of the A. And, really, this was the reason I broke it off with SO... he's promised me he would be there for me, but he wasn't there.

The fact that he is actually reading this book and sending examples to me of where he went wrong is a good sign, I think, that wants to change. But if we get back together and I don't actually see any change, then I really have my answer.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 14th (Sunday)

Sustained change, too. It's easy to change for a short time (days, weeks, even a month) and then revert slowly back...


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13201 | Registered: Jul 2011
Coraline
Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, July 15th (Monday)

Whoa! I usually only post in D&S, so hopefully you don't mind me chiming in here, but I am so glad you broke up with that guy. EVERYTHING you say about him screams narcissist.

*He has to be the life of the party
*He doesn't put you first
*He claims to get it, but never changes
*He is emotionally unavailable
*He can't/won't let go of his exes
*He might drink too much (narcissists usually have an addiction of some sort)
*He has lots of "friends" and doesn't seem to respect appropriate boundaries
*You break up with him and suddenly THEN he's willing to do anything to get you back
*He's irresponsible with money

My ex is probably not exactly a narcissist, because he doesn't meet all the criteria, but I've read a lot about them, because there are some similarities in the way he treats me. I'm really glad you broke up with that guy. You can't have a healthy, long-term relationship with very narcissistic people, whether they're actually personality disordered or just extremely narcissistic, but not quite PD. I think you should run, not walk, before he sucks you back in.

[This message edited by Coraline at 4:17 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Monday)

I agree with this ^^^ and if you continue to allow this guy in your life you're in for a rollercoaster ride of an entirely different sort.

Will it be exciting? Probably. Fulfilling? Probably not.

I see lots of drama on the horizon if you don't close the door on this one, but it's your choice to make. Only you can make the call.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16635 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 15th (Monday)

He's throwing you a lot of ego kibbles right now HUM. Tread carefully. He needs to PROVE he has changed not just tell you he has.

My first XH was a lawyer...he did the exact same behaviors that led to a separation that your XSO has done. When we separated he moved heaven and earth to get back with me. The changes didn't last long, maybe a year but by then I was pregnant...and I stayed 13 more years...years I wish I hadn't wasted on him. After periods of "good behavior" he went back to all of his previous functioning alcoholic behaviors...all of them...and more...

Be very careful! He needs to sustain this change and his past history indicates he doesn't really "get it"...I would watch from the sidelines for awhile, not agree to reconcile, wait and see how long he can sustain the change when you aren't committing to reuniting!

A suggestion: While he is reading "Men are From Mars" you should be reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 2828 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Well, the good thing you guys all need to know... It's been a week and I haven't gone back. Haven't even had a face-to-face. I gave him homework and told him we wouldn't even start a dialog until he's done. He's not even close. Although he did file for D today, which I thought was interesting.

Meanwhile, I am getting stronger and I know that I won't tolerate this behavior anymore. Just being apart had helped me see the forest through the trees.

Don't know what will happen, but I really know that I am in the drivers seat. So if I do end up giving him another chance (which is iffy at this point), one strike he's out. I'm more worthy than this.

Thanks for the heavy 2x4s. I need them sometimes...


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 15th (Monday)

Thanks for the heavy 2x4s. I need them sometimes...

I (obviously) don't remember specifics about your relationship (since I thought he hung up on you but that must have been someone else whose SO hung up on them) so no 2X4s, but a book recommendation "It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken" by one of the people who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You." Might give you more food for thought as you're waiting for him to finish his book :)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Update:

Well, SO has come through big time. I refused to see him, talk to him, for 10 days. Made extreme demands. Yes, I was a bitch at times. I think I subconsciously wanted to run him off. But he didn't give up on me. This is like night and day after my XH. I'm not used to someone trying to prove his love and not vice versa.

He read the entire book and sent me notes with quotes on how it pertained to us. Said the book opened his eyes. Realizes how much things have gone wrong because of different communication styles. He sent me amazing flowers at work. Love notes. Finally wore me down and insisted that we meet so he can tell me some things. He sat me down last night and told me how he really wants to change, that he was sorry how he hurt me, he just didn't understand, and now he really, really does. He told me he needs me to be frank with him, always. That I need to help him understand my needs. His role in life is to make me happy. That he never, ever felt this way before. Never. Never had an "equal" before. He wants "us" for life. I am his soul-mate. He went on and on about how much he loves me, respects me and feels like he is the luckiest guy on earth to have me. Just like I am.

He actually filed for divorce after 31 years; S for 18 months. It's going to be ugly, but he said he did it for me, for "us". He knew, even though I never asked him to D his W, it was the big fat elephant in the room. It kept us from taking our relationship to the next level.

He didn't have to do this. He has many women chopping at the bit. He could play around. He says he has no desire to look at another woman. I have never felt so wanted, cherished, loved. Ever. I do love him.

Anyway, I am very happy. Maybe he needed to actually lose me to see what he had lost. He admitted he felt so comfortable with me and probably took me for granted. But he wanted me to know, even though it didn't seem like it at times, I was the focus of his life. After our talk, his showing me sincerity and vulnerability, I am really sure now he's the one. And he knows it too. More than ever. Maybe we both needed this seperation to see it.

Bad part is that his DS21 is very angry at his dad now for filing for D. It's going to be ugly. His W and DS are living in a fantasy world. One thing that is important: he didn't leave his W for an OW. He waited and waited until his son turned 21. Didn't make a difference, his son still is angry at him.

Anyway, it will be a tough few months ahead, but I'll be there for him. And I really have no doubt he'll be there for me now.

Thanks for all of you for helping me process this. But I am finally sure that I am making the right decision.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:26 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
hurtinky
Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Why is the divorce going to be ugly? I thought they were married on paper only, because he wanted to stay on her insurance?

Is it possible that he was telling his wife one thing and you another? If so, she might, understandably, feel like you are at least somewhat like an OW.

Something about this doesn't sound right.

At the very least, I just cannot fathom why you would want to get caught up in this mess.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday)

Okay...so either I'm an asshole or everybody else is chicken... let's go with I'm an asshole:


HON

I get that you are thrilled with his decision and his words, and he read a book... I get how wonderful it feels that he is willing to fight to keep you! But all this is to date is words, and intentions, and a book read. Please slow down!!

He is Separated 18 months from a 30 + year marriage... and probably shouldn't even be dating ! He has been seeing you for 6 months, and being really selfish about it too. You break it off - he files - son is pissed... Yes, this is going to get ugly!! And you are going to be right in the middle of it... doing what?

I'm not saying people can't change... and maybe that is what he intends and will pull off...but I don't think that extroverts can change into introverts...

What I do think is you are about to have a front row seat to witness how he handles a LOT of stress. Observe - this is good to know...But there are a lot of questions still to be answered here. Can he live long term with out all the attention and validation from his friends? Will he do as he intends with sensitivity, or will you have to nag him? How will he handle his son's anger? Is he one of those guys who can't stand to be alone?

There is going to be a long battle here, and I'm not saying walk away - I get that you are invested - but please do not disengage your brain, keep watch for red flags. Because as great as you feel when you are with him - not everyone we love is good for us. And I don't think you can have a clear picture after a six month part time relationship on the heels of a 30 year marriage.

Now I'm tip-toeing out... this is just MHO - and only worth what you paid for it: You can ignore me if you like.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 19th (Friday)

Wait, . . .he has dated many, many women and has many, many ex-girlfriends?

He's only been separated 18months?

So are these hangeroners from 32 years ago, or all these women that he's somehow dated in 18 months?
or women he serial cheated with, while married?

He's read a book, quoted it back to you, and you know he 's the one? Really?

He's divorcing for you? HUGE red flag!!!!!

I am quite concerned for your heart!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

All he had to do was read a book and you took him back??

He is divorcing his wife for you??

Please keep your heart guarded. He hasn't changed anything at this point. Why is his son mad?? Things don't make sense.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 3978 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
KVille
Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Be careful of your heart. This man has so many ex girlfriends that are still his friends because he is fun.Bet they don't want a relationship with him just to hang around for fun.
Been there done that.

After mine "got" me he married another friend.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
HappilyUnMarried
Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

Okay guy, yes. 2x4s. I get it. Who says this relationship shit makes people sane?

Reality. Here it is.

I am rationalizing. But I want to stay in this relationship until I am unhappy, if ever.

My heart? Never in any of my posts said I was crying because of this. I was eating. I went out. I never moped. So I know I can survive a heartbreak with him. I love him. But I'm not head-over-heals infatuated. I think this is good for me now.

The other thing is... Being with him is fun. I socialize much more than I do when I'm alone. It's good for me! Otherwise I just hang out at home or with a couple of close friends. He lives in a downtown condo... I live in suburbia USA. I don't worry about anything when I spend weekends downtown! He takes care of everything... I never stress! It's like a non-drug Valium for me. He takesme to dinners, dancing. We always have fun. What am escape from stressful work, kids, money issues. All that "single mom of 3" stress. He's romantic... He loves me back. It's fun. I've never ever had anything like this iny life!

Anyway, he's not perfect either am I. He's a procrastinator, so am I. He avoids his issues, and doesn't like to confront them. Neither do I. He didn't want to piss of his W, that's the real reason he hasn't filed. Even though she cheated on him. She never would accept it. It had to end sometime and now his DS21 is mad (although they have now worked it out)

Anyway, sorry, but thanks guys. I just need to face my "real" motives and stop rationalizing. Rationalizing has always been an unhealthy coping mechanism to me.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
WhiteWolfWinning
Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 20th (Saturday)

My heart? Never in any of my posts said I was crying because of this. I was eating. I went out. I never moped. So I know I can survive a heartbreak with him. I love him. But I'm not head-over-heals infatuated. I think this is good for me now.

With all due respect, HUM, this paragraph is at odds with your original post.

If your feelings about him are really this cavalier, then why are you making demands on him? If you are this casual, why in the world would you expect him to "change" for you?

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

HUM, this guy is just a good time Charlie. He's fun. Is he, however, the type that can and will change because he WANTS to and not because YOU want him to? I think it's all about the chase for him.
Please don't get sucked in. There are red flags flying EVERYWHERE.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1121 | Registered: Jun 2007
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 21st (Sunday)

Ten days? HUM, when I said see sustained change, I was thinking like a YEAR.

You say you are rationalizing. I wholeheartedly agree.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13201 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 53